Questions Couples Can Ask To Improve Communication
You probably don’t need convincing that ongoing, open communication is vital to a healthy, growing relationship. If we’re honest, it’s a struggle to make it happen in our marriages.
We all have our own reasons for why quality (and quantity) communication is hard for us, but I want to encourage you. I’ve yet to meet a couple whose communication was all it could and should be. We’re all in this together.
Sometimes you just need a little help getting started. Questions can be a catalyst.
Productive answers come from provocative questions. These questions for couples’ communication can spark quality interactions. And they can draw you toward a deeper marriage connection. Buckle up.
Why work at communication?
Let’s face it: Honesty, transparency, and vulnerability can go sideways – and fast. So, what are you trying to do? What do you need to try to avoid?
- The goal is definitely not to be “right,” open healed wounds or hurt each other. This doesn’t mean you can’t be true to yourself or say hard things in a constructive way. Genuine intimacy-building conversations aren’t always comfy-cozy.
- The goal is to go deeper into each other and your relationship. It isn’t to exchange facts about each other. You’re seeking insights that move your relationship forward. You’re trying to understand each other’s thoughts and feelings so you can love better. Look for ideas and solutions that improve your life and marriage.
- Agree to take a break, refocus, or stop altogether if the conversation escalates, becomes destructive, or creates problems instead of solving them.
Check out these questions for couples’ communication and get closer as you speak!
Group 1. Communication. Talking About Talking.
- What’s a topic we don’t usually talk about that you think would be interesting, important, or fun to discuss? Let’s go there!
- When you were growing up, how did your parents talk to each other? How did they speak to you? Has that influenced the way you communicate with me?
- If you could adjust one way I communicate with you, what would it be? Why?
- What’s a topic or area that you’re kinda uncomfortable discussing with me? How do I contribute to your discomfort? How could I make you feel more comfortable?
- What do you think are the main obstacles to improving our communication? Let’s make a plan!
Group 2. Understanding. Seeing How You See Each Other.
- How do you see me differently than you think I see myself? What are my blind spots?
- What do you think I haven’t taken enough time to learn or understand about you?
- Where in my life do you think I’m settling for less than the best? Inspire me!
- What’s an area where you think I don’t give myself enough credit or am too hard on myself?
- What are three of my qualities or attributes that you’re grateful for? How do you see them in action?
Group 3. Relating. Bringing Out The Best In Each Other.
- What relationship problems are we solving together? And what issues are we avoiding?
- What do you think is the most crucial factor in making our relationship grow? Do you think we’re paying enough attention to it? How do you think we could lean into it more?
- Sure, marriage takes effort, but are we having fun and enjoying each other? How would you suggest we “relax and enjoy the ride” more? What’s a fun thing we could do? Let’s put it on the calendar!
- What’s a part of our life where you feel a little under-appreciated? What could I do today to make you feel more appreciated?
- Where in our relationship do you feel like we’re totally a team? Where do you feel alone? Help me help you to never ever feel alone.
Group 4. Wildcard Round! Oh, We’re Doing This!
- OkayOkayOkay! So I’m not perfect. I’m sure there’s some little thing I do that annoys you. (Thank you for overlooking it all this time.) If you tell me what it is, I won’t get defensive. And I promise to work on it.
- What’s something I do for you that I obviously think is sweet and romantic, but it does next to nothing for you? What could I do that would be meaningful?
- If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Explain in psychologically revealing detail. (Set a timer for 30 minutes. Take turns.)
- I’m just curious… if I suddenly died (after you eventually worked through the paralyzing, soul-crushing grief), which of our single friends, co-workers, or acquaintances do you think you could have a high-quality, meaningful relationship with? Listen, it’s okay. Really. It’s just a hypothetical question. I mean, I’d want you to be happy. So, tell me: Who?*
*The only acceptable answer is: I would be in mourning for the rest of my empty life. Nobody could ever fill the hole in the meaningless existence I would have to sadly wander through, alone, until the end of time. I love you so much. ❤️
About these questions for couples’ communication: How do you know if all this talk is helping?
- You understand your spouse better, and you feel better understood.
- You’re taking action. You’re setting goals to improve your relationship and create deeper connections. Follow through!
- You feel a little uncomfortable with the process but still safe and secure.
- You discover things you have in commonalities, compromises, opportunities, and maybe even fun or forgiveness.
Other Resources
8 STEPS TO BETTER COMMUNICATION TODAY
17 TACTICS TO DRASTICALLY IMPROVE COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
8 SIMPLE WAYS YOU CAN HAVE MORE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS
5 TOOLS FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
WHAT GREAT LISTENERS ACTUALLY DO
What To Do When You’ve Lost Romantic Feelings For Your Spouse
You might phrase it differently, but when you’ve lost romantic feelings for your spouse, you’re probably feeling something like:
- That spark’s gone. I feel like I’m just going through the motions.
- I’m not attracted to my spouse like I used to be.
- I love my spouse, but I’m not in love with them anymore.
- Over the years, we’ve grown apart. We’ve become different people.
- My marriage hasn’t turned out like I thought it would.
- There’s no passion. No magic. No romance. I just don’t feel it.
That romantic feeling is going, going… gone now. What happened?
First, we need to make sure we are talking about the same things when using words like romance and love. These words can mean a variety of things, and that makes discussing them difficult. Let’s get on the same page. This might bring some clarity to what you’re feeling.
Passionate Love
This will be our term for romance. It’s usually characterized by a strong desire to:
- be around your spouse,
- please them,
- enjoy them,
- be sexually attracted to them, and
- overlook their flaws.
This is what people usually mean when they say they are in love with their spouse.
Passionate love has a unique effect on your brain and body chemistry. Those fireworks! But some researchers claim passionate love naturally gives way to a deeper kind of love as your relationship grows. Other researchers argue that passionate love doesn’t have to fade.
Passionate love might come and go, and romance might ebb and flow… but it doesn’t have to disappear from your marriage completely. You might have to be more intentional and purposeful to keep that romantic spark lit.
Compassionate Love
This will be our term for what people generally mean by the word love. It’s usually characterized by:
- deep feelings of security,
- emotional connection and intimacy, and
- best-friendship in your marriage.
Some researchers call this companionate love.
Compared to passionate love, this love is often considered more stable, mature, and steady. It doesn’t feel as fun, euphoric, or exhilarating as passionate romantic love. But this makes sense. Because researchers have found that this love activates different parts of the brain – even different body chemistry – than passionate love. So, yeah, it actually feels different.
Perhaps your relationship has undergone a normal transition. Maybe it’s been creeping up on you. Maybe it hit you all at once. It’s not a crisis, but it can feel like one if you didn’t expect it. Now you’ve gained some perspective and can be purposefully passionate moving forward.
Perhaps conflict or circumstances have deflated your passionate love. This is less of a relationship transition you can accept and walk through… and more like relationship issues you can expect to work through. (Compassionate love can be the safe context to work through these issues.)
That romantic feeling is going, going… gone. Now, what happens?
You don’t have to pick between passionate love and compassionate love. Healthy, growing, long-lasting marriages have both.
Explore the depths of compassionate love. Enjoy the heights of passionate love as you keep cultivating those romantic feelings. Here’s a practical place to start – back at the beginning.
★ Here Are Some Things To Think About And Try!
Okay, today, you don’t have romantic feelings for your spouse. Look at all your yesterdays. Take a step back, like, all the way back to your wedding day. Rekindle old feelings by reviewing old memories.
1. Remember Why You Married Your Spouse.
Many counselors and therapists recommend listing what attracted you to your spouse in the first place and the reasons you wanted to marry them. What caused you to fall in love? Remind yourself of why you’re grateful for your spouse.
Take time to reminisce about the first time you met. How do you remember it? How does your spouse remember it? Similarly, talk about your first date. Can you recreate it? While on your date, talk through five things you appreciate about each other and your relationship. How did you get engaged? How did you propose/were you proposed to? What were the feelings surrounding that occasion? What was your wedding day like? Did everything go as planned? What were you feeling on The Big Day? What was your first year of marriage like? Share favorite stories. What were you naive about? How has your relationship grown since then?
Passion Power-Up:
You know your spouse better today, including their faults, annoying habits, and when they let you down. Yes, reality puts some big dents in romance. Reality also invites you to a deeper love that transcends romantic feelings and builds a stronger bond with your all-too-human spouse. This could be a huge marital growth opportunity.
2. Remember All The Things You’ve Been Through With Your Spouse.
What circumstances have changed since your wedding day? Children? Careers? Stress? Illness? It could be as simple as being busier now. It could be as complex as significant unresolved marital conflicts. Commit to each other to work through any obstacles as a team. And commit to shaking things up a bit. (In a good way.)
Passion Power-Up:
Have you talked to your spouse about how you feel? Are you creating the time and space to maintain your marriage so there’s room for romance? This probably doesn’t sound romantic, but frequently the effort comes first. The feelings often follow. You might be surprised by the romance conjured by a planned night out, the habit of taking a walk together after dinner or even scheduled sex. Do something different. Don’t let your relationship get in a rut.
- Try some of these 100 Cute Date Ideas So You Never Get Bored Again.
- Talk through The 50 Best Marriage Tips Of All Time From 50 Relationship Experts. What do you already have down? What do you want to start working on?
- Move beyond clichéd convos. Pick a question or two a day from these 200 Questions for couples.
- Let the big brains at Harvard give you some spicy Tips To Improve Your Sex Life, or Keep The Spark Alive In Your Marriage with advice from these other big brains.
- Change up your bedtime routine with these 10 Things Happy Couples Do Before They Go to Sleep.
3. DANGER ZONE.
Gut-check time. Have you entertained romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse? It’s difficult to have romantic feelings for two different people simultaneously. It can be subtle at the start. A friend or co-worker seems fun and interesting. Maybe you see some qualities in them you feel your spouse is lacking. That romantic feeling for your spouse starts to wane. This is the Danger Zone.
Passion Power-Up:
If this is the case, you need a reality check. You know your spouse, warts and all. It’s unfair and unrealistic to compare your spouse to someone you know comparatively on a superficial level. The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it.
See those “feelings” for what they really are and refocus on your spouse. Nourish your relationship with your spouse and see what happens to your romantic feelings.
4. Start with you.
Maybe this isn’t about your spouse at all. You might be experiencing some changes in how you look at yourself and your life. Several things could cause this. You might not be experiencing success in your career like you’d hoped. Maybe you’re feeling the burden of financial stress. You could be dealing with physical or mental health issues. This could be a season of life thing. You could simply be aging and not handling it in a healthy way.
Passion Power-Up:
Do a personal inventory. You might need to take a good, honest look deep inside yourself. Many things may have changed or shifted inside of you, affecting how you feel about your spouse. You might not have noticed slow, silent repositioning in your perspective or personality. It might be helpful to enlist a trusted friend in answering these questions. See your primary care physician if you haven’t had a check-up in a long time. Our physical health and our feelings are bound up together. Don’t be afraid to seek out a counselor or therapist if you feel like you can’t quite understand what you’re feeling. Your spouse will thank you.
You’ve lost romantic feelings for your spouse. How you respond is critical.
Some people want a romance-based relationship. Ask yourself if that’s a reality-based relationship. You might not always feel that heady, passionate love. But as you experience that heavy compassionate love, the romantic feelings that follow might surprise you.
Don’t be afraid to take a hard look at yourself. Ask yourself the tough questions. Respond in a way that’s healthy for yourself and your marriage. Seek out help where needed. Lost romantic feelings may be complex, but they may also be very simple. Taking these steps is a great sign, and there is hope!
Other Blogs:
Keep Romance Strong in Marriage
Sources:
Love and the Brain | Harvard Medical School
Brain Study Reveals Secrets of Staying Madly in Love | Psychology Today
The Dark Side of Believing in True Love – BBC Future
15 Things About Being in Love vs. Loving Someone
The Psychology Behind Love and Romance
Thinking About Romantic/Erotic Love
Navigating the 4 Stages of a Relationship
8 Warning Signs of a Troubled Marriage
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Divorce
Getting It Right the First Time: Creating a Healthy Marriage
What To Do When Your Spouse Has Changed
Navigating changes in your spouse can be difficult and serious. How serious?
If changes in your spouse cause you emotional or physical harm, consider reevaluating your relationship to determine if your situation is safe.
That serious. Short of that, even well-intentioned, positive changes in your spouse can still be distressing, frustrating, and confusing.
Change! = Adapting? = Distress!
On your wedding day, you knew that you, your spouse, and your marriage relationship wouldn’t remain exactly the same. Of course, there would be changes! The honeymoon phase passed. Seasons of life bring changes, and shifting circumstances like careers and children offer new challenges, too.
But maybe your spouse has really changed. Perhaps you’re feeling insecure, or like you’re being stretched beyond your ability to adapt in a relationship that feels unpredictable. That HURTS. That’s Change-Pain.
★ Heads Up! Your Change-Pain reflex might be to go for the “quick fix” and… change your spouse.
Change-Pain whispers: Just apply pressure to your spouse in the right spot, in the right way to, you know, change the change. It’s tempting – but be careful with your reflexes. Change-Pain can make us react to our spouse in unhealthy ways.
You don’t want to make things worse.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.” Perhaps you’ve seen this play out already.
We have to negotiate and navigate change. This requires (hard) conversations and resilience. Melissa Ferrari, psychotherapist and counselor, offers essential advice about talking through changes with your spouse:
“Relationships can survive arguments but generally not threats.”
You know when you go to the doctor, and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?
Imagine a scale for Change-Pain.
How would you rate that?
1 Bear with me; I have to ask. Have you changed in a way you might not have noticed?
Looked at things from your spouse’s perspective? Are you balancing your concerns for yourself with concerns for your spouse? Are your feelings and responses proportional to the change in your spouse? In a healthy way, openly and honestly share how you feel.
2-3 Has there been a change in circumstances? Big or small? Good or bad?
Changing circumstances usually change people. Acknowledging this isn’t an excuse, but it may explain some things. Talk with your spouse about it. Be honest, direct, and kind. Express your concerns and feelings and be willing to listen to theirs. Working through this can strengthen your relationship.
4-5 Do the changes in your spouse conflict with your needs, desires, priorities, or goals? Do you relate to each other differently?
These aren’t small things, but you can work through them. Your spouse might have no idea how you feel. Start there. Try to be positive, flexible, and hopeful.
6-7 Feeling deceived or duped?
Was there a Major Thing you and your spouse discussed before you married, and now your spouse has changed their mind? These situations can easily make you feel uncertain, insecure – even cheated. Get the support you need. Your conversations with your spouse may need to be mediated by a couple’s counselor or therapist. That’s okay.
8-9 Have changes radically impacted your relationship or put it at risk?
Practice curiosity and share your concerns with your spouse. Prioritize staying connected. Explore the little daily actions that keep a couple connected. Psychologist Dr. Jamie Long drops some wisdom here: Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. Don’t settle.
10 This needs to be taken extremely seriously. Is there emotional or physical abuse?
Are you scared or nervous to disagree with your spouse? Do you feel safe? Bring in the professionals and even the law NOW. (For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here, or contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233.)
Change (and your threshold for adapting to it) exists on a spectrum. Is it possible to communicate and negotiate to a middle ground you can BOTH live with? Not just to keep going, but to keep growing?
Your spouse has changed. BUT, you can only control one thing: YOU. Please don’t let this be discouraging – it’s empowering!
How we respond to challenges forges our identity.
What happens next might be tricky. Working toward growth and connection will probably require time, energy, commitment, or even a brave acceptance of something new. Get help when you need it.
Marriage is hard sometimes. It might feel like a mountain to climb if your spouse has changed. But, if you choose to climb, you’ll be a marriage-mountain-climbing marvel.
And soon, you’ll be enjoying the view.
Sources:
You Are Not the Person I Married | Psychology Today
How to Navigate and Embrace Change in Your Relationships | PsychCentral
12 Thirty-Second Ways to Connect With Your Spouse | Psychology Today
7 Small Ways Spouses Can Stay Connected
Please use the resources below to address your specific needs:
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You
What to Do When You Disagree With Your Spouse
Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
8 Things You Should Never Do During an Argument With Your Spouse
5 Tips for Understanding Your Strong-Willed Spouse
What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations
How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse
6 Ways To Agree To Disagree With My Spouse
What To Do When You Disappoint Your Spouse
Disappointment is a revelation. Disappointment in marriage – doubly so. Sadly, we usually don’t sit with it long enough to learn all we should. When you disappoint your spouse, you are faced with several choices. We’ll look at some practical actions you can take, but first, you need to address your relationship with disappointment. Remember, you aren’t alone in this. I’ve been there so much I’ve made up words for my options.
When you disappoint your spouse, you can choose:
1. “Self-Regretrospect.”
This is looking back on what you did, feeling appropriate regret, and learning from it. I can totally see how that disappointed my spouse. I need to make it right with them and learn from this.
This is sitting WITH the disappointment you caused.
2. “Self-Vulnercade.”
This is barricading your vulnerability. It’s not a big deal. They disappoint me all the time. I would never do that. Just get over it.
This is sitting AWAY from the disappointment you caused.
3. “Self-Crucifiction.”
This is fictional martyrdom. I’m the worst! Why do I always screw everything up? I can’t do anything right! I’m terrible!
This is sitting IN the disappointment you caused.
If you can muster some self-regretrospection and sit with the disappointment you inflicted, you’re in a place to learn something valuable. Disappointment reveals where hope is. You’re disappointed the recipe didn’t turn out because you hoped it would be tasty. You’re disappointed your team lost because you hoped they’d win.
There is no disappointment without hope.
So. You’ve disappointed your spouse. They’re understandably upset. Now, think about the hopes your spouse has that were let down. Be specific. They could be hopes for particular actions or hopes for certain character qualities. They could be hopes for a special kind of relationship. Learn into it.
What better way to grow closer to your spouse than to understand their hopes?
I’ve been married for 28 years. Do you know what I’ve learned about disappointing my spouse and being disappointed? It happens often, but worse, we usually totally waste it.
We don’t learn anything from it, so our relationship doesn’t grow. But disappointment is fertile soil for bitterness and resentment, even in the healthiest of marriages. For both of you. ¡No Bueno!
Sadly, it’s taken most of my 28 years of marriage for me to realize that we rarely have the right discussion/argument/fight. Instead of defending & deflecting, instead of wilting & wallowing, I should own more. Take more responsibility. And then explore my wife’s hopes. Study them. Celebrate them. THIS: Protect her hopes because they’re connected to her dreams.
That’s all good in theory, but let’s get practical.
“What if my spouse’s hopes are unrealistic, impossible, and romanticized? I’ll always end up disappointing them!”
That’s a great point and a valid question. Our hopes need to be continually evaluated, calibrated, and recalibrated. But remember, hope by definition is a stretch between what is and what could be.
Hope in marriage should stretch you as individuals and as a couple, but hope should never break you. If you’re continually being broken, that’s not hope; that’s hurt, and it needs to be addressed. The goal is to keep growing as you keep going.
What do you do short-term when you disappoint your spouse? Like, now?
Your spouse’s hopes have been dashed and they are hurt and disappointed. Of course, this is not where you want to park your relationship.
You can hear and validate your spouse’s feelings in the moment and explore their hopes and expectations later.
(1.) Own your actions, words, and attitudes.
(2,) Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings.
(3.) Apologize for disappointing your spouse.
(4.) Then, at the right time, ask questions and listen to the answers.
“What do you think is the hope driving that?” or “What is the hope beneath that?”
It might be trust, respect, feeling heard, feeling cherished – who knows? But that’s what you’re actually working on – not just dishes, taking out the trash, helping with the kids, folding laundry, and sending 😍 😍 😍 texts.
★ Heyo! Your spouse might realize they need to address their hopes and expectations. Maybe they go beyond a healthy stretch to an unhealthy setup for perpetual disappointment. This is an ongoing convo that should strengthen your bond. This is the heart of marital growth.
Homebuilding is Hopebuilding.
Your goal isn’t to stop disappointing your spouse. It’s way deeper. Your goal is to always be working to protect their hopes. When your spouse sees you working to that end, so many of life’s disappointments, big or small, just seem to… fade… away.
Other blogs:
5 Ways to Reduce Resentment in Your Marriage – First Things First
How to Overcome Built-Up Resentment in Marriage – First Things First
How to Stop Resentment – First Things First
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You – First Things First
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You
Disappointment hurts, especially from the one you love the most. And when your spouse disappoints you, you probably experience several emotions. Anger. Frustration. Hurt. Sadness. Bewilderment. (What were they thinking? Right?)
Disappointment in your spouse can spark uncertainty and shake your trust. It might even make you wonder if you can rely on them at all.
First, let me just say: You’re not alone, and every married person disappoints their spouse at some point. Your feelings are honest, legit, and okay. And even though disappointment is common in marriage, knowing that doesn’t really make things easier. So let’s talk about it.
Some things to consider:
Unmet expectations breed disappointment.
Everybody enters marriage with a certain standard in mind.1 This is a good thing. It means you have relationship goals. You want your marriage to thrive. If your spouse lets you down, it hinders those goals. Enter disappointment and the emotions that follow.
Ask yourself:
What do you expect from your spouse? How do your expectations connect to your overall relationship goals?
Disappointment comes in different flavors.
Although everybody experiences disappointment in marriage, it’s not all the same. It may stem from a specific issue. I can’t believe they forgot to take the trash out… again. Or, it can be more general. This is not how I thought it’d be.
Disappointment can also happen over seemingly minor or explicitly major issues (whether it’s the trash or infidelity). Of course, disappointing situations feel major to you. That’s why they’re disappointing.
Healthy responses to disappointment may be somewhat different depending on the situation.2 The big lesson here is to become aware of why you’re disappointed.
Ask yourself:
What exactly did your spouse do or not do that disappointed you?
Is the disappointment in something specific or general? Issues that are minor or major?
You are coping with your disappointment in one way or another.
You can’t help but respond, whether involuntarily or by choice. Even if you’re not sure what to do, you may feel angry, passive-aggressive, secretly imagine getting back at them, or avoid the issue altogether.
However, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope and respond. Choosing to respond in a healthy way is key to working through the disappointment.
Ask yourself:
How are you coping or responding right now? Would you say your responses are healthy or unhealthy?
Be careful about what your disappointment might lead you to assume.
When your spouse disappoints you, it usually doesn’t mean:
- He or she is a bad person.
- They aren’t right for you.
- Your marriage is doomed.3
At the least, it means that expectations need to be clear. And for the more serious offenses, your partner may need help to overcome certain behaviors. (More on that in a bit.)
Ask yourself:
Why might your spouse have acted (or failed to act) the way they did that led to your disappointment?
What do you do, then, when your spouse disappoints you? How do you handle it?
- Reframe it. Ironically, even though it feels like your disappointment drives you further away from your spouse, it can be an opportunity to grow closer. Try looking at it as a chance to clarify what you both expect and strengthen your marriage goals.
- Express it, but being aware of your composure is key. Remember: How you come across when you explain your disappointment influences your spouse’s response.
- Have forgiveness at the ready. Forgiveness is a process. But it’s tough to move forward if you harbor resentment and bitterness.
- Re-clarify your expectations. What do you specifically hope for from your spouse? Does your spouse think they can successfully meet your expectations? Work on compromises and talk about how expectations can be realistic and shared.
- Ask your spouse how you can help each other be more successful at meeting expectations.
- Continually affirm your spouse for their effort.
Realize that it might be best to seek a professional counselor’s advice at some point. This is especially true if your spouse’s behavior is recurring or addictive, or if they show apathy or disinterest in working toward a solution. Seeing a therapist together is best. But if they won’t go with you, seeing a counselor on your own can help you find healthy ways to cope.
It’s not fun when your spouse disappoints you, but it is normal. And it’s a chance to be in a better place today than you were yesterday. Choosing healthy responses can help you grow closer to your spouse in the midst of disappointment.
Sources:
1Baucom, Epstein, N., Sayers, S., & Sher, T. G. (1989). The Role of Cognitions in Marital Relationships: Definitional, Methodological, and Conceptual Issues. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 31–38.
2Lazarus R.S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, appraisal, and coping. New York: Springer-Verlag
3Vangelisti, & Alexander, A. L. (2002). Coping with Disappointment in Marriage: When Partners’ Standards Are Unmet. In Understanding Marriage (pp. 201–227). Cambridge University Press.
How to Stop a Conversation Without Hurting the Relationship
Picture this: You’re having an EXHAUSTING conversation with extended family. There seems to be no easy or natural escape route, but you’ve got to get away for your own sanity. You know that stopping the conversation can hurt the relationship. What do you do?
You may want to stop the conversation for several reasons:
- The topic is too controversial, and it’s not worth potentially fracturing the relationship. (Religion, politics, social justice, morality, parenting, etc.)
- It’s gotten too personal. (Unresolved issues, things you don’t want to share, topics you disagree on regarding how you live your life, and so on.)
- It’s simply time to move on. You have other commitments or people to talk to.
- The conversation feels like gossip.
- Your history with this person leads you to believe that this convo won’t end well.
- You don’t feel equipped to talk about the topic.
I’m sure you can come up with all kinds of reasons you’d want or need to stop a conversation.
If you’re like me, you work hard to avoid hurting others – and sometimes end up talking too long and wasting time. This can lead to resentment or simply lost interest in the relationship because you hope you don’t run into that person. Why? Because you know the conversation will go ON and ON and ON if you do.
But maybe you’re like some friends of mine who can be overly blunt. They don’t care if they hurt your feelings. So they may say:
“I ain’t got time for all this. I’ll talk to you later.”
“I’m not about to have this conversation with you.”
“I knew better than to try and talk to you about this.”
Let’s say that you want to bow out gracefully, but you’re not sure how. All you know is that you want to stop the conversation without hurting the relationship or someone’s feelings.
But first, here’s an important thing for you to consider: “Why would stopping the conversation hurt the relationship?”
Knowing the “correct” answer to this question may not be as important as considering the possibilities.
Would the person feel rejected? Dismissed?
Is it about the loss of control?
Considering how and why stopping the conversation could hurt the relationship can help you end conversations with empathy. It can also show that you care about the person and the relationship.
Remember, every situation and every relationship is different. The culture of the relationship often dictates what’s most effective. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Preparing to Stop the Conversation
- Allow others to speak their mind and get their thoughts out. Resist the need to interrupt others to express your rebuttal or opinion.
- Own your need to exit the conversation.
- Be confident in your conversational boundaries (and why you have them).
- Value the relationship over the conversation.
If you want out of the conversation, you can start with:
“What you said leaves a lot to think about. I truly value this relationship, and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to just dismiss you or your thoughts, however…”
These words express that you heard them and that you value the relationship. It also shows empathy.:.
The reason for ending the conversation may determine what you say next.
Are you ending the conversation because…
- You have something else you need to do?
- It’s too emotional?
- Controversial topic?
- You don’t feel heard?
- __________ ? Fill in the blank
If so, you may finish the statement with:
“…I have a prior commitment, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to the people there.”
“…this conversation is more than I’m ready for right now. Will you respect my wishes to talk about something else?”
“… this type of conversation rarely ends well. Can we talk about something else?” (It helps to have another topic in your back pocket.)
“…can we talk about this when I’m in a better position to talk?”
The truth is, even though you might do everything in your power to be honest, empathetic, and kind, the other person can still feel hurt. But you can’t control how someone responds when you do what you believe is best for you and the relationship. All you can do is rest in knowing that you did your part. Hopefully, others can give you the space you need for your own well-being and let the conversation end on a good note.
Other blogs:
What to Do When You Disagree With Your Spouse
4 Ways to Have Difficult Conversations During the Holidays
What To Do When Your Family Disagrees About Politics – First Things First
The Good Conversationalist: The Basics (by Emily Post Etiquette)
How differing drives can cause tension – and what to do about it!
6 Ways to Keep a Conversation From Getting Derailed
Holidays are supposed to be a time of love and joy when you gather and celebrate family, friends, and traditions. Those celebrations can easily be derailed when you find yourself in an uncomfortable or controversial conversation.
There’s no shortage of hot topics to navigate around if you want to have a peaceful gathering with friends and family. But try as you may, you just might find yourself discussing a divisive issue. You know you and a loved one aren’t on the same page about this topic, and you’re ok with that, but you probably don’t want a conversation to hurt the relationship. So, how do you stop the conversation before it goes too far?
Kathleen Kelley Reardon, a professor at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business, notes that “conversations are building blocks of relationships.” They have the power to build up or tear down relationships.
Here are six of Reardon’s strategies to help you get a negative conversation back on track (just in time for the holidays):
1. Shine a different light on what’s being said.
If the other person says, “I don’t want to fight about this,” you can reply with, “I don’t want to fight either. Let’s have a discussion.” A discussion is seen as more civil. A conversation that evolves into an argument causes both people to put their guard up. A discussion, on the other hand, invites more listening.
2. Rephrase what’s being said.
Instead of calling someone stubborn, call them persistent or determined. If they say, “You’ve got a lot to say,” you might respond, “I’m passionate about this subject and want to make sure every side is heard.” If offensive words are used, rephrase them positively.
3. Reflect on a positive past experience.
Relationships are full of positive and negative interactions. A present negative doesn’t have to tear down a mostly positive past. If you need to pump the brakes, you might say, “We’ve had such a good relationship, but something has us out of sync. I know we can work this out in a positive way.”
This shows the other person that you value and want to protect what you have with them.
4. Clarify what you heard by restating what the other person said.
We’re all guilty of speaking faster than our brain can work. I know I’ve said plenty of hurtful things that I wish I could take back. If you think they have mistakenly said something painful, ask them, “Did you mean what I think I heard?” Give them the benefit of reconsidering and rephrasing what they said.
5. Ask a question.
Maybe your friend or family member didn’t mean to intentionally hurt or insult you. Perhaps they chose words too quickly. Ask, “Would you clarify what you just said?” Try not to assume they are determined to cause you harm. Give the relationship the benefit of the doubt.
6. Revisit the conversation at a later time.
There’s nothing wrong with bluntly saying, “I don’t think either of us is at our best right now. Can we pause this conversation and revisit it another day? I don’t want this to hurt our relationship.” Your consideration for the person is more valuable than who wins the discussion. Choose to protect the relationship.
Remember, conversations are building blocks to help us get to know each other better. They are how we deepen and develop relationships. Do what you can to keep one heated exchange from destroying a lifelong relationship. It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to be correct, but do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship? You can’t always have both.
Other blogs:
What To Do When Your Family Disagrees About Politics
What to Do When You Disagree With the Ones You Love
How to Have a Disagreement with a Friend without Ending Your Friendship
Sources:
