As my oldest child approaches his fifth birthday, I find myself reflecting on the challenges of raising kids in today’s world. From the moment he was born, I’ve been mindful of how much time he spends in front of screens. It’s not easy in a world where screens are everywhere – TVs at grandma’s, FaceTime calls, and tempting shows that say they’re educational for young kids. But as they grow, so does their exposure and draw to screen time.

Sometimes, I notice that too much screen time leaves him feeling frazzled and hard to soothe. It’s not just my child – studies show that too much screen time can have long-term effects on kids. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt recently wrote about this in The Atlantic, highlighting how excessive screen time is linked to mental health issues, substance abuse, loneliness, and poor school performance. These problems can stick with kids as they grow up, affecting their careers, families, and society as a whole.

“As the oldest members of Gen Z reach their late 20s, their troubles are carrying over into adulthood,” says Haidt. “And if a generation is doing poorly––if it is more anxious and depressed and is starting families, careers, and important companies at a substantially lower rate than previous generations––then the sociological and economic consequences will be profound for the entire society.”

So, what’s changed in recent years? Smartphones. They’re not the sole culprit, but they’ve played a big role. Alongside smartphones, constant news updates and social media have reshaped childhood. Parents today feel more pressure to keep their kids safe, which often means more screen time indoors. It’s a shift from the days when kids roamed freely outside.

Surveys show that many parents turn to screens because they’re convenient and seem safer than letting kids play unsupervised. But this shift has happened fast, and we’re only just starting to understand its impact. As Haidt puts it, we’ve traded real-world risks for virtual ones that might be even more harmful.

So, what can we do to turn things around with screen time? Haidt offers some suggestions:

  • Limit personal devices: Hold off on buying smartphones and other personal gadgets for kids, especially before puberty.
  • Delay social media: Wait until kids are 16 before letting them dive into social media, where the pressure to perform can take a toll on their mental health.
  • Enforce phone-free zones: Schools should crack down on phone use during class, creating a better environment for learning.
  • Foster independence: Encourage kids to take on responsibilities and make decisions on their own, building confidence and preparing them for adulthood.

While screens themselves aren’t evil, they can lead to problems when overused. It’s time for us to recognize the risks and take steps to protect our kids’ futures.

“Momma, when you die and I don’t have a Momma anymore, can I go live with Nana and Poppy?” my four-year-old asked nonchalantly last Saturday.

“Well, if anything happens to me and your dad, you can certainly live with Nana and Poppy. What made you ask that question, bug?” I said blindsided.

“People die. And, I know you’re gonna die and live with Jesus. So. I just want to have someone to live with, too,” he responded. Then, he ran outside and started digging in the dirt with his dump trucks.

I was in shock from the conversation. What was going on in his little mind? Where did that question come from?

My husband reminded me that our son has attended four funerals in his short four years of life– three great grandmothers and a great aunt. That’s a lot of death to unpack. I also learned he overheard a conversation about the tragic shootings and deaths of 3 adults and 3 children at the Covenant School in Nashville a few weeks ago.

As a parent, I want to protect my son at all costs.

I want to keep him from having to deal with the hard, unfair and cruel injustices of this world. But, the truth is, avoiding difficult conversations and shielding him in an effort to preserve his innocence does more harm than good in the long run.

The American Psychological Association (APA) released a statement earlier this year encouraging parents to have hard conversations with young children: 

“Taking a proactive stance and discussing difficult events and topics in age-appropriate language can help a child feel safer and more secure. If adults don’t talk to them about it, a child may overestimate what is wrong or misunderstand adults’ silence. So, be the first to bring up the difficult topic. When parents tackle difficult conversations, they let their children know that they are available and supportive.”

While this statement is empowering, sitting down and having these conversations can be stressful. How do you define age appropriate language? What if you don’t have all the answers to the questions they ask?

Here are a few things to remember when these hard conversations happen:

1: If you can, practice ahead of time.

When a tragic event occurs, try to be the person your child hears it from first. Decide what you’re going to share, how you’re going to share it, and most importantly, when the best time is to have the conversation.

2: Timing is everything.

Choose a quiet place to sit with your child one-on-one and look them in the eyes. Avoid having hard conversations when you’re busy making dinner or when your child is playing. The conversation at hand should be the center of both your attention.

3: Ask them what they already know.

“There was a shooting at a school. What do you know about this?” And then listen, listen, and listen more.

4: Tell them how you feel.

Sharing your emotions with your child allows them to create a deeper connection with you. It’s also a great opportunity to model behavior and emotional regulation for them.

5: Stick to the facts and avoid details.

Tell them the outline of what happened. There’s no need to share gory details or show gruesome graphics. 

As a parent, the greatest thing you can do for your child is build a deep connection with them. No matter how hard we try, we can’t control them or the world around them. Having hard conversations when they’re young allows them to see you as a safe, wise and trusted source for a lifetime.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Jonas Kakaroto on Unsplash

A recent study is changing the game for parents of young children. Reading has long been hailed as the number one way to increase a toddler and preschooler’s vocabulary and language skills and set the stage for academic success, social interactions, and life in general. But, there’s a new tactic rising to the top of the list: reminiscing through “parent talk.”

What is “parent talk?”

Parent talk is the chit-chat adults often use to engage with little ones. Researchers from Florida Atlantic University, in collaboration with Aarhus University in Denmark, have been following the effects of parent talk in the lives of young children around the world for decades. 

The study compared three language-learning scenarios: reminiscing through the use of parent talk, book sharing (with wordless picture books), and the classic toy play with LEGO bricks. They observed Danish parents and their 3- to 5-year-olds during these activities and analyzed the details of the conversations. The results showed reminiscing is more effective at producing high-quality speech and language from parents. In fact, it scored as high if not slightly higher than reading, particularly when it comes to wordless picture books. They found that both reminiscing and reading books beat toy play in interactive quality.  

This research provides a new suggestion: take the time to walk down memory lane with your toddler and preschooler.

Flip through the mental photo album of past adventures, family history, and shared family moments. Pictures and photo albums can also be used as a tool, but just sharing stories and memories of family time provides a common language and a sense of belonging for the child. This boosts their confidence while simultaneously exposing them to new and more detailed language forms.

One more interesting find in the study: researchers saw no real difference between mom and dad engaging with parent talk. In Denmark, both parents’ engagement tactics and time spent reminiscing with their children produced similar results.

Of course, there is one caveat to this finding.

Reminiscing isn’t a magic wand that erases educational and societal gaps. The study acknowledges that the biggest impact on the quality of reminiscing through parent talk is the activity itself. This fact won’t level the playing field entirely. Parents with a higher education still tend to use more sophisticated language, which needs to be acknowledged.

The biggest takeaway from the study? Whatever parents are doing with their children, the more they talk and engage with them through language, the more robust and well-developed their child’s vocabulary will be. Adding family memories and building connections through family history will boost a child’s confidence and their desire to engage and develop language skills long-term.

My grandmother passed away last week. She was 85, and her health had been slowly declining for a few years. But it didn’t make the news any easier to hear when she passed.

When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time with my grandma. Sometimes it was because my parents were working and she took care of me. But most of the time, I wanted to be with her. We did fun things together like playing games, shopping, watching movies, and talking about life. She always made me feel special and loved. Nurturing was her superpower.

I know I was lucky to live close to my grandparents. We lived only 15 minutes away, so I got to see them a lot. But studies show that what matters most is the quality of time with grandparents, not just how often you see each other.

A recent study found that having a good relationship with grandparents, where you feel close and cared for, can make a big difference in how you feel as you get older. It can even affect things like how you feel about yourself and how well you get along with friends.

So, it’s not about seeing your grandparents every day, but about having a strong connection with them when you do see them. Just like how it’s important for parents to have a good relationship, it’s important for grandparents too. And when grandparents and parents get along, it helps everyone feel happy and safe.

Here are four things grandparents can do to make their time with grandchildren special:

  1. Talk to the parents first: Grandparents need to have a good relationship with their own children first. That way, they can all work together to make sure everyone feels happy and safe. And when grandparents spend time with their grandkids, they should follow the rules set by the parents.
  2. Listen to the grandkids: Instead of telling grandkids what to do, grandparents should listen to them and be interested in what they like. It’s more important to connect with them than to control them.
  3. Share family stories: Grandparents can tell their grandkids about their family history, but they should focus on the good stuff. It helps kids feel proud and connected to their family. And if those positive examples aren’t there, be sure to wait until the child is ready to understand the lessons learned from past generations.
  4. Keep in touch: Even when they’re not together, grandparents can stay connected with their grandkids by sending cards, making phone calls, or video chatting. It shows that they care and are always there for them.

I spent the night with my grandmother well into my late twenties, before my son was born, and before she moved into an assisted living facility. She wasn’t perfect, and she knew that, but she always made me feel loved and cared for. I’m really grateful for her, and I know other grandkids feel the same about their grandparents.

The first time my four-year-old son wrote his name at pre-school, I faced a parenting moment I didn’t expect. When I arrived for pick-up, he ran down the hall yelling, “Mom! I wrote my name! Mom! I wrote my name! You’re going to love it!”

I scooped him up as he shared his most treasured accomplishment with me. That’s when I realized my sweet, bright baby boy had written his name with what appeared to be scribbles on the page. “It’s wonderful! Can you tell me what the letters are?” I asked him, hoping he could clarify a bit. Of course, he clearly stated each letter with a giant smile. “See, Momma! I can read and write!”

I almost corrected him because it wasn’t perfect, but I stopped myself. This moment showed me how easy it is sometimes to focus too much on making things perfect, even in parenting. This isn’t just something I struggle with; many parents feel the same. We all want our kids to do well and be happy, but sometimes we might push them too hard to be perfect.

Research shows that when parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to be perfect, it can make them stressed and scared of making mistakes. This can make it hard for kids and parents to feel close and understand each other.

So, how can we help our kids grow without making them worry about being perfect? It’s important to cheer them on for trying and putting in effort, not just for getting things right. This helps kids see challenges as chances to learn and grow, instead of just tests they have to pass.

Here are some phrases you can use to encourage kids in their efforts, not just achievements:

  • “You should be so proud of yourself for _____.”
  • “Thank you for _____. Because you did that, it’s going to make a difference when we _____.”
  • “I’m proud of you for not giving up and to keep trying! ____ can be really tricky to get right. I know you’ll get the hang of it soon.”
  • “I’ve seen how much effort you’ve been putting into ____. What have you learned along the way?”
  • “I love the way you helped ____. I could see the way ____ appreciated it! Doesn’t it feel great to help others?”
  • “What you’re going through is hard right now. But you can do hard things. What can I do to help support you through this?”

It’s also good for us parents to show that we’re not perfect either. When we talk about our own mistakes and show that it’s okay to mess up sometimes, it teaches our kids to be kind to themselves when things don’t go as planned.

My son’s attempt at writing his name was a small thing, but it reminded me to appreciate his effort and all the little steps he took to get there. By doing this, we can help our kids feel confident and supported as they try new things.

Let’s try to be open about our struggles with wanting everything to be perfect. This way, we can create a space where our kids feel brave enough to try, make mistakes, and learn from them. Here’s to raising kids who are curious, confident, and not afraid to take on new challenges.

Parenting is a complex reality where influence meets responsibility. Parents shape a child’s present and future. 

After recent surges in adolescent mental health problems and suicide, the nation’s leading public health authorities have declared an emergency.

Gallup, a global analytics and advisory firm, launched a study in the summer of 2023 to better understand the fuel behind the teen mental health crisis. Before seeking to understand the current state of teen mental health, it’s important to review the decades of research that link parenting styles to teen mental health.

In the mid-20th century, a significant surge of empirical research on parenting and child development took place. Pioneering psychologists Eleanor Maccoby, Diana Baumrind, and G.R. Patterson laid the foundation, highlighting the pivotal role of firm but warm parenting styles in fostering socially competent and mentally healthy children. Baumrind’s concept of “authoritative parenting” emphasized the necessity of considering a child’s needs while maintaining parental authority in decision-making. The essence of authoritative parenting lies in the delicate balance of affection, responsive attention to a child’s needs, and setting expectations for responsible behavior. 

Research spanning over a thousand studies has consistently affirmed that authoritative parenting predicts fewer mental health issues and problematic behaviors in adolescents.

Conversely, both authoritarian and permissive parenting styles correlate with higher risks of mental health problems and behavioral issues. 

The significance of parental influence goes beyond theoretical frameworks. Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ National Longitudinal Survey of Youth (NLSY97) emphasizes that qualities such as responsiveness, routine experiences, and parental monitoring predict fewer internalizing and externalizing problems in youth. The longitudinal nature of studies like the NLSY97 reveals the enduring effects of parenting into adulthood. Better relationships with parents during adolescence significantly correlate with improved physical and mental health well into an individual’s late 30s. 

Internationally, studies echo these findings, emphasizing the universal benefits of firm and warm parenting. While genetic factors may play a role in parenting responses, empirical evidence highlights that changes in the parent-child relationship distinctly impact adolescent mental health, suggesting a deeper influence than genetics alone. 

Understanding the impact of parenting on teen mental health is crucial.

So, which parenting practices best predict mental health outcomes? According to the 2023 Gallup study, the most powerful parenting practices identified in the survey relate to regulation and enforcement. The results show it’s less likely an adolescent will be in good mental health when their parents are passive or set little to no boundaries. Likewise, it is more likely adolescents will be in good mental health when parents share expectations, build routines, and provide tasks and responsibilities to be completed. Also, daily displays of affection and responding quickly to a child’s needs both predict better mental health.

Parents carry a large weight on their shoulders. For some, this information and hypothesis may make the weight feel even heavier. Seeking connection over control and setting firm boundaries when needed will provide the best outcome for your relationship and your child long-term.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

The well-known statistic still rings true: about half of all first-time marriages in the United States end in divorce.

This stat increases in likelihood of subsequent marriages, reaching 70% for third-time marriages, according to a research-based article released by Forbes earlier this year. 61% of dissolved marriages involve children under the age of 18 living in the home.

What happens to the children whose parents choose to part ways?

For many years, the kids almost always ended up living with just one parent, typically the mom. But recent studies reveal a new trend is dramatically on the rise in the U.S.–joint physical custody. This means a child resides with each parent for an equal or significant amount of time.

A 2022 study released by Demographic Research revealed that the number of divorces ending in physical joint custody rose from 13% in 1985 to 34% in 2010. “Although the increase is steepest among high-income couples, it’s happening across the socioeconomic spectrum,” says Daniel Meyer, a social work professor at the University of Wisconsin at Madison who studies child custody.

How do the children fair who spend an equal or significant amount of time between two households?

A 2018 study released by the Family Process Journal reveals on average, children in shared arrangements tend to fare slightly better than those in sole custody on a variety of metrics, including life satisfaction, stress levels, and self-esteem. That being said, the majority of couples who share custody are usually better off financially, have higher levels of education, and have a more amicable relationship. This makes sense, considering it takes money to provide for a child and have consistent means of transportation.

While there are many advocates for joint physical custody and research shows the scenario is beneficial for children overall, it’s important to note in some situations—like if one parent is abusive or unstable, for example—sole custody is in fact what’s best for the child. 

Since the 19th century, full custody has been generally granted to the mom. However, in America’s earlier days, fathers were automatically given custody of their children because they were seen more as property. As women began to take on a more domestic role, these social dynamics shifted. Today, custody battles rage on for years, even as joint custody becomes more common. The reason? America is built on the premise there can be two parents, but only one household. Therefore, joint custody is difficult to measure and researchers are confident children in joint custody homes are often reported twice- because they are living in two households. Benefits, such as tax returns and medical insurance, can only be granted per household, which assumes all children are part of only one.

What does this mean for the future of families in America?

Here are three things to consider around this new “two household child” reality.

  1. Policies, procedures, and systems need to change for joint custody children and parents to receive the support and benefits they need. While a two-parent household is supported as the most beneficial for children and communities long-term, separation and divorce will inevitably continue. With a better understanding of joint custody and the value it can provide for children, it’s in our nation’s best interest to reevaluate the current workings around child custody and divorce proceedings. 
  2. Increased access to marriage education, therapy, and support could prevent some marriages from ending in the first place. Of course, custody wouldn’t be a topic of conversation if marriages were healthier. Supporting families begins with seeking to better understand what’s causing marriages to dissolve and providing assistance when possible. PewResearch and Forbes recently reported the number one reason for divorce was due to a lack of commitment in the relationship, with 75% of individuals saying they could no longer fulfill their wedding vows due to lack of desire and compatibility. Lack of commitment significantly surpassed infidelity and domestic abuse as reasons for divorce. 
  3. Joint custody may provide a sort of remedy to the “fatherlessness” crisis our country has faced for the last century. According to 2023 data released by the Census, the proportion of children growing up with a resident dad is at its highest since 1989. Slightly more than three-quarters of children today (75.9%), or 54.5 million of our nation’s 72.3 million, can count a resident dad as a housemate. Decades of research show children who grow up with their dads being consistently present in their lives are more likely to thrive physically, emotionally, and socially than children who grow up without their dads. 

There’s no point in ignoring the reality of two household children. While the complexities are obvious, it’s time to figure out a new path to support them. The answers will undoubtedly be complicated, but necessary nevertheless. 

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

The phrases “generational cycle” and “cycle breaker” have recently become large parts of the conversation about family health. Searches for “generational cycle breaker” have increased by 180% in the past year on platforms like Google and YouTube.

What is a “generational cycle?”

  • In the simplest form, it’s what one generation passes on to the next.
  • What gets passed on can be positive/healthy and negative/unhealthy. 
  • In a relationship context, it includes traits, habits, attitudes, and behavior patterns.
  • “Generational cycle” draws attention to the impact parents and caregivers have on children.

We’ve all recognized this dynamic with physical qualities and attributes. “She has her father’s eyes.” But these dynamics also impact psychological, emotional, relational, and familial attributes and qualities.

What is a “cycle breaker?”

  • Someone who recognizes they have inherited unhealthy qualities and attributes from their upbringing and environment.
  • These qualities and attributes may be demonstrated in their thoughts, emotions, and relationships with others, particularly in the family they have created.
  • A “cycle breaker” recognizes the unhealthy things they have inherited and deliberately acts to avoid passing these behaviors on to their children. They work to break the cycle.

It might help to think about baggage. There may have been substance abuse, poor communication patterns, destructive reactions to conflict, explosive anger, or simply hopelessness that has been a heavy part of the “baggage” passed down for multiple generations. 

We don’t know how many people have been affected by this harmful baggage. We do know it’s possible to put that baggage down and pass on something healthy and hopeful to the next generation.

This is why First Things First exists.

Our mission is to provide resources that guide people in their relationships so they can live better lives. Our vision is for every family to have healthy relationship skills to pass down from generation to generation.

We’ve been in pursuit of this vision for the last 26 years. There are three key factors in breaking and creating generational cycles.

  1. Even though they struggle under their weight, individuals are often unable to see the baggage they have inherited. Some outside influence– a mentor, spiritual guide, counselor, or coach –needs to come alongside them. People in these roles can help individuals identify and release their inherited baggage and pick up tools to help them build healthy relationships and enjoy a better life.
  1. Stopping negative generational cycles and starting new, healthy cycles is difficult. It’s a process. Hope, healing, and developing new thought patterns take time. Individuals need to accept and make peace with what was before they can embrace what could be. Plus, it’s all too easy to fall back into old patterns of dysfunctional behavior when it’s all you’ve ever known.
  1. Unhealthy relationships perpetuate negative generational cycles. It requires healthy relationships to create positive generational cycles. 

The COVID-19 pandemic generated a surge of interest in family dynamics and mental and relational health. This makes sense. Most of us were spending more time together than ever before. Dysfunction in homes was heightened by the loss of normal routines and stability. Looming uncertainty took a huge toll on individuals and families. No demographic was spared. 

If there was any silver lining, it was the increased awareness of necessary support systems to help families. Professionals and individuals alike were prompted to understand generational cycles. 

This year, First Things First is beginning a new three-year strategic plan to further our vision. Facilitating relationship education in our community is still the main focus of our organization, but we are expanding our collaborative partnerships and services to include coaching, case management, and access to free or reduced therapy.