Last week, I had a “day.” A day where nothing went right. Our dog was sick, the laundry piles were touching the ceiling, my children’s emotions were running high and they were begging to spend time with me, plus I had three large looming deadlines at work. All of those elements felt impossible to work through and all of the deep breaths in the world couldn’t save me from the stress. By the end of the day, I realized I had to practice what I preach. As a CEO of a family non-profit, a wife, and a mom of two littles, I can easily become all consumed by the to-do list and forget about my role in relationships. I can forget to ask for help, to lean on those around me, and to make my needs known. 

As busy parents and caregivers, it’s easy to lose sight of the most important aspect of our journey: our mental health and well-being.

Recently, the United States Surgeon General issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents, shedding light on an issue that many of us feel every day but rarely talk about openly.

The Surgeon General’s advisory highlights a growing concern: parents in America are struggling with their mental health. The report points out several key factors contributing to this crisis, including financial stress, lack of support, work-life balance challenges, and potential lingering effects from the pandemic. It also notes that parents, particularly those with young children, are facing higher rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout than ever before.

One of the most striking parts of the advisory is its focus on the ripple effects of parental mental health. When parents struggle, it’s not just the adults who suffer; children are deeply affected too. A parent’s emotional state can influence their child’s development, behavior, and even long-term well-being. As the Surgeon General noted, “When parents thrive, children thrive.”

So, what can we do? The advisory emphasizes the importance of seeking help and building strong support networks.

Here are a few steps parents can take to protect their mental health:

1. Seek professional help. Now I know this can feel like another thing to add to your list of to-do’s. Another thing to research, another appointment to make, but if you had a terrible, persistent headache or constant nausea for weeks, wouldn’t you do whatever you could to prioritize a doctor’s visit to find relief? Your mental health deserves the same sense of urgency. Therapy can provide a safe space to discuss your feelings, develop coping strategies, and navigate the challenges of parenting.

2. Rely on your support network. Connect with other parents, family members, or friends who understand what you’re going through. If you’re married or actively in a healthy co-parenting relationship, be open with your partner about how you’re feeling. Let them know when you need a little extra support or time to yourself. Sometimes, just talking to someone who “gets it” can make a world of difference.

3. Prioritize self-care. I know, I know—self-care is the buzzword that can sometimes feel like an impossible dream. But even small moments—like a quiet cup of coffee in the morning or a 10-minute walk—can help recharge your batteries. I wake up every morning at least 30 minutes before the rest of my family. I drink coffee, cuddle my dog, reflect on the previous day, pray for the day ahead, and take deep breaths. This alone time greatly influences my mood for the day, and my husband helps me protect it.

4. Advocate for family-friendly policies. The advisory specifically calls on workplaces, communities, and policymakers to create environments that support parents. Flexible work schedules, affordable childcare, and paid family leave are crucial. As parents, we can advocate for these changes in our communities and workplaces. Our local United Way of Chattanooga is actively working to affect policies for working families in our community. You can learn more about the movement and how to get involved by going to unitedwaycha.org/workingfamilies

The Surgeon General’s advisory is more than just a wake-up call; it’s a call to action.

By prioritizing the mental health and well-being of parents, we can build a stronger foundation for families across our community and the nation. Imagine a future where every parent has access to the resources and support they need to thrive—and where every child has the stable parent or caregiver they need to grow and develop successfully.

This advisory also signals a broader shift in how we view parenting in America.

It’s a recognition that parenting isn’t just a personal journey; it’s a public health issue. By supporting parents, we’re not just helping individuals or families—we’re fostering healthier, more resilient communities.

I understand the unique challenges of balancing it all. Some days are filled with joy and laughter; others are a mix of chaos and tears. But remember, we’re in this together. This advisory is a reminder that it’s okay to seek help, lean on each other, and prioritize our well-being. Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

So, to all the parents reading this, know that you are not alone. Let’s take this advisory as a stepping stone towards a future where every parent feels supported, every child feels safe, and every family thrives. 

Our flight was canceled four hours before we were supposed to leave for our family beach vacation. We decided to drive for fourteen hours instead. With two children, ages five and one, two parents, and two grandparents, it was an “all hands on deck” experience. 

After seven bathroom breaks and two food breaks, we arrived just before midnight on our first day of vacation. While everyone was in good spirits for the first few days, the lack of sleep and disruption in our usual schedule caught up with all of us by day four, especially my five-year-old son.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he began yelling “potty words” and throwing things, running around the room, and eventually packed his suitcase and said he was leaving to find a new mom and dad. I had no idea what spurred this sudden outburst of mean behavior. I was shocked and growing more and more angry with each raspberry he blew. 

My gut instinct was to grab him and make him stop by any means necessary, but I chose to take deep breaths and tried to remain calm. After what felt like hours of his chaos, I wound up spewing a few “threats” that didn’t really do anything and definitely didn’t defuse the situation.

While tantrums are a normal part of childhood development, knowing how to handle them effectively can make all the difference.

Maintaining your composure is one of the most important steps in defusing a tantrum.

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, emphasizes the importance of staying calm. Children often mirror the emotions of their caregivers, so remaining calm helps to de-escalate the situation.

Next, Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, advocates for emotional validation.

This means acknowledging and accepting your child’s feelings without judgment. Saying something like, “I see that you’re very upset because you can’t have the toy right now,” helps children feel understood and respected.

While it’s crucial to validate feelings, the third step is to set clear and consistent boundaries.

According to Dr. Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, clear limits help children understand what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t. For example, calmly stating, “We don’t hit when we’re angry,” reinforces boundaries while showing empathy.

Finally, it’s our job as parents to teach and guide our children.

This includes helping them build their emotional regulation skills. This is a long-term strategy for managing emotions. Techniques such as deep breathing or counting to ten can be introduced during calm moments, so children have tools to use when they’re upset. Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and parenting expert, suggests practicing these skills regularly to make them more effective during stressful situations.

I’ll be the first to say this is the hardest step for me because I’m still working on my capacity to regulate my emotions. So, if you find yourself struggling with remaining calm, give yourself some grace, make sure your child is in a safe space, and step away from the situation for a moment. Come back when you’re able to be the guide your child needs.

While it’s impossible to avoid all tantrums, there are also a few ways to de-escalate them before they begin.

One way is by offering choices. This technique empowers children, giving them a sense of control over their situation. This strategy, endorsed by pediatrician Dr. William Sears, can prevent tantrums by allowing children to feel like they have a say in what happens. For example, “Would you like to put your shoes on yourself, or should I help you?” gives the child a choice while still achieving the desired outcome.

Another strategy to keep a tantrum under wraps is to redirect your child’s attention. This method, recommended by child psychologist Dr. Alan Kazdin, involves shifting the focus to something positive or engaging. For instance, if a child is upset about not getting a treat, you might say, “Let’s go read your favorite book together.”

Defusing tantrums is not just about stopping the outburst but about teaching children how to manage their emotions constructively.

My son’s “vacation tantrum” was eventually defused when I scooped him up, held him as close as I could, and asked him to roar like a lion with me. Sure, it may seem a little weird or unorthodox to some, but ya know what? After our deep breaths, he started crying and said, “Momma, I’m just so tired. Will you lay down with me?” So I did. And he fell asleep.

By staying calm, validating feelings, setting clear limits, offering choices, using distraction, and practicing self-regulation, we can help our children navigate their emotions more effectively. Remember, tantrums are a natural part of growing up, and each one is an opportunity to teach and connect with your child.

As a society, we often focus on what divides us—income inequality, educational disparities, and healthcare access, to name a few. However, recent research by economist, Melissa S. Kearney, sheds light on a significant factor that often goes overlooked: the “two-parent privilege.” Understanding this concept and its implications can help us create stronger, more supportive communities and provide support to stabilize families across the spectrum.

What is two-parent privilege?

In her recently published book, The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, Kearney delves into the specific advantages children raised in families with both parents present often enjoy, such as better educational outcomes, higher economic stability, and enhanced emotional well-being.

Kearney’s research reveals some compelling statistics:

1. Educational Achievement: Children from two-parent families are more likely to graduate high school and attend college. This is attributed to the combined resources that two parents can provide—time, money, and emotional support.  

2. Economic Stability: Dual-income households generally have more financial security, which translates to better access to healthcare, extracurricular activities, and educational resources.

3. Emotional Support: Having two parents can mean a more robust support system. Children benefit from the presence of multiple role models and the emotional stability that comes from a balanced home environment.

While the advantages of two-parent households are evident, Kearney’s research also reveals a socioeconomic divide. High-income families often have the resources to mitigate some of the challenges of single-parent households. However, the presence of two parents still plays a crucial role in providing a balanced environment for children. In lower-income families, the absence of a second parent can be more acutely felt. Financial strain and limited access to resources can exacerbate the challenges faced by single-parent families.

Understanding the significance of two-parent privilege prompts us to think about how we can support all families, regardless of their structure.

Here are a few action steps we can take as a community:

1. Support Single Parents: Communities can provide resources and programs specifically aimed at single-parent households. This could include childcare support, financial planning services, and access to mental health resources.

2. Promote Healthy Relationships: Offering relationship counseling and education can help couples navigate challenges and build stronger partnerships. This, in turn, can contribute to more stable family environments.

3. Community Engagement: Creating community support networks where families can share resources, advice, and emotional support can make a significant difference. Programs that connect families with mentors and role models can also provide additional support for children.

4. Look at Existing and Needed Policies: Advocating for policies that support family stability, such as paid family leave, affordable childcare, and access to healthcare, can help mitigate some of the disparities associated with single-parent households.

While the benefits of two-parent households are clear, it is crucial to remember that all families deserve support and opportunities to thrive.

By acknowledging the concept of two-parent privilege and taking steps to support all family structures, we can work towards a more equitable and supportive society.

As we engage as a community, let’s remember to share our experiences and support initiatives that aim to strengthen family bonds. First Things First believes together, we can create a world where every child has the opportunity to succeed, regardless of the family structure they’re born into.

I made a mistake in my marriage last week. 

My husband’s been having some challenging conversations at work lately. As he caught me up on the most recent happenings, I shared what I would have done differently. I know this is not what he needed at that moment. It also goes against what we typically teach and coach couples to do at First Things First. Nevertheless, I felt he needed to hear it for some reason, and who better to tell him than me? I charged on.

He became frustrated with me and suggested we take a break from talking about it. He also stated he would deal with it on his own because he felt unsupported and unheard by me at the moment. Ouch. Also, he had every right to feel angry.

When life throws curveballs, the impact affects our closest relationships. Whether it’s a career change, health crisis, or personal struggle, supporting a spouse or partner through difficult times is both hard and crucial for the well-being of each individual and the relationship as a whole. Here are some tangible tips to support and help your partner navigate tough times while also strengthening your connection.

1. Listen actively.

Active listening is more than just hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist known for his work on marital stability, active listening and empathy require these key elements:

• Maintaining eye contact to show you are fully present.
• Nodding and using verbal affirmations like “I see” or “I understand.”
• Reflecting on what you’ve heard to ensure clarity.

2. Offer emotional support without judgment.

Your partner needs to feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in building connections. Offering a non-judgmental space where your partner can express their feelings without fear of criticism can significantly alleviate their stress.

3. Be patient and give them space.

Sometimes, the best support is giving your partner the space they need. According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who allow each other autonomy during stressful times report higher relationship satisfaction. This means recognizing when your partner needs alone time or space to process their emotions independently.

4. Assist with practical needs.

When your partner is overwhelmed, day-to-day tasks can become burdensome. Offering to take on extra responsibilities, such as household chores, managing finances, or running errands, can significantly reduce their stress. Research by the American Psychological Association indicates that practical support can alleviate stress and improve overall well-being, especially during mentally or emotionally taxing seasons.

5. Encourage professional help.

If your partner’s difficulties seem impossible for you to help them to work through, encouraging them to seek professional help can be the best next step. Therapy or counseling provides a structured environment to address complex emotions and develop coping strategies. Therapy can be especially beneficial for those dealing with prolonged stress, depression, or anxiety.

6. Maintain open and honest communication.

Keeping the lines of communication open is vital. A study from the University of Georgia found that couples who regularly engage in open, honest communication are better equipped to handle stress. This involves checking in regularly, discussing feelings openly, and being honest about your own needs and limits.

7. Celebrate small victories.

Acknowledging and celebrating small achievements can provide a significant morale boost. Whether it’s completing a project, sticking to a new routine, or simply getting through the day, recognizing these victories can foster a sense of progress and hope.

One bonus tip from personal experience: Apologize when needed.

We all make mistakes. We all fail to meet each other where we are from time to time. When my husband let me know he didn’t feel supported by my words and actions, I quickly apologized and told him I’d do better next time. I asked for clarity on what I could do to support him. In the end, this hiccup has made our relationship stronger and it’s helped me to better understand my husband’s needs. I hope the learnings from our experience can guide you through challenging times in your relationship as well.