There’s an old saying: “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”
It’s a phrase often used when we’re caught between the emotional turmoil of familial obligation and the complex realities of our relationships. But does this mean we’re required to care for family members who’ve shown little to no care for us in return?
In my daily work, we deal with adults and children stuck in generational cycles of neglect, abuse, addiction, etc. My own family consistently deals with the complex dynamic of caring for and helping family members who have not made the best decisions or been dependable and functional in relationships.
Family dynamics are rarely as simple as we’d like them to be.
Sometimes, family members, whether parents, siblings, or other relatives, fail to provide the care and support that we expect or need. This can leave lasting scars, and understandably, the question arises: Is it still our responsibility to extend a hand when they’ve shown us nothing but indifference or neglect?
There’s a psychological phenomenon known as “familial obligation,” the belief that we must maintain close relationships with family regardless of how those relationships make us feel. Research suggests that this belief can stem from deep-rooted cultural and societal expectations.
Family is seen and desired to be a unit that provides unconditional love, yet this isn’t always the case for everyone.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family showed that individuals who experience emotional neglect or dysfunction within their family often feel torn when it comes to maintaining these connections. On one hand, the sense of loyalty is ingrained; on the other, the desire for emotional well-being may conflict with these familial obligations and longings.
Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, known for her work on family dynamics, suggests that empathy plays a significant role in how we navigate difficult relationships. She notes that while it’s essential to set boundaries for self-preservation, it’s equally important to understand the root causes of a family member’s behavior. If a parent, for example, was emotionally unavailable due to their own unresolved traumas, it might help to approach the situation with compassion rather than judgment.
“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing,” Dr. Markham says. “It means choosing to move forward with empathy, understanding that we can’t change the past, but we can redefine how we respond to it.”
Yet, the emotional cost of continuously caring for someone who never reciprocates can be high. The risk of burnout, resentment, and emotional depletion is real. For this reason, experts in family therapy often recommend establishing clear boundaries while still holding space for empathy. Remember, it’s okay to feel conflicted about giving to someone who hasn’t given back. Acknowledge your feelings, and then decide what you’re capable of offering.
When faced with the dilemma of whether to care for a family member who hasn’t shown you care, consider this:
What are you emotionally able to give? And what are your expectations? Compassion is vital, but so is self-care.
The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that maintaining mental health in difficult family relationships requires balancing compassion with self-preservation. If the act of caring for a family member becomes a burden, the impact on your mental and emotional health can be significant. Likewise, if you choose to care for a family member because you have an expectation of turning the relationship around or healing a wound, make that expectation known up front. Or, better yet, evaluate whether or not that expectation is realistic in the first place.
A study published in Family Relations found that individuals who engage in caregiving without proper emotional boundaries and expectations often experience depression and anxiety.
That’s why it’s essential to reflect on what your limits and desires are and communicate them clearly. You can love someone and still protect your emotional well-being.
The key is creating healthy boundaries that allow for compassion without compromise. This doesn’t mean cutting ties or withholding care, but rather, finding a balance that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Establishing these boundaries can sometimes mean limiting the frequency of contact or focusing on more specific ways to provide care that feel manageable.
Also, building a network of supportive relationships outside of your family can serve as a crucial support system. Studies indicate that strong, non-familial relationships can provide the emotional stability needed to navigate complex family dynamics. Leaning into these relationships can help you feel more grounded when dealing with family challenges.
Ultimately, deciding whether to care for a family member who hasn’t cared for you requires both introspection and external support. It’s okay to prioritize your own mental health while still maintaining a sense of empathy. There’s no “one size fits all” answer, and that’s okay. Each family dynamic is unique, and the decision to engage or disengage with family members should be made with consideration of your personal circumstances, emotional capacity, and overall well-being.
As we navigate our family relationships, we may find that our ability to care for others is strengthened when we first care for ourselves. And in doing so, we can create more meaningful, balanced relationships that honor both our needs and the complexities of family.
Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].
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