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The Gift of Loving Someone Different

On a recent podcast, Dr. Orna Guralnik, the psychoanalyst many viewers know simply as “Dr. Orna” from Showtime’s Couples Therapy, was asked what she has learned about love after years of sitting with couples. Earlier in her career, she said, she believed compatibility was one of the greatest predictors of success. Find the person who fits you well enough, and the relationship has a better chance.

But now, after listening to hundreds of couples wrestle with money, sex, family, ambition, loyalty, fear and disappointment, she sees something deeper:

The capacity to love someone who is different from you may be one of the greatest forms of love.

That idea feels almost countercultural in a dating world obsessed with “finding your match.” Apps ask us to filter for height, politics, religion, hobbies, education, diet, drinking habits and whether someone wants dogs, children or pickleball. Compatibility matters, of course. Shared values can steady a marriage. A sweeping 2023 meta-analysis in Nature Human Behaviour found that romantic partners are more often similar than different across many traits, especially education, religion, politics and substance use.

But similarity is not the same thing as love.

Similarity may help us choose each other. It does not guarantee we will know how to cherish each other.

A 2020 study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences analyzed 43 longitudinal couple datasets from more than 11,000 couples. The strongest predictors of relationship quality were not basic demographic similarities or personality matching. They were relationship-specific experiences: perceived partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived partner satisfaction and conflict. In other words, what matters most is not simply whether we found someone compatible, but what kind of relationship we are building once we are together.

This is where Dr. Orna’s wisdom lands. Every marriage eventually introduces us to the “otherness” of the person we love. Your spouse may handle stress differently. Spend money differently. Need closeness at a different time of day than you do. Grieve differently. Parent differently. Rest differently. Change differently.

At first, those differences can feel like betrayal. “I thought we were on the same page,” we say, when often what we mean is, “I thought you would keep being the version of yourself that was easiest for me to love.”

But marriage is not a lifelong compatibility test. It is a lifelong invitation to mature.

Healthy love does not mean pretending differences are insignificant. Some differences are serious and require counseling, boundaries, repair or even safety planning. But many everyday differences are not signs that we married the wrong person. They are opportunities to practice curiosity instead of control.

Research on partner acceptance supports this. Studies show that feeling accepted by your partner is associated with greater relationship satisfaction. Likewise, perceived partner responsiveness (feeling understood, validated and cared for) is repeatedly linked to intimacy and relationship well-being.

That is a different vision of marriage than “we never fight” or “we like all the same things.” Dr. Orna has said a strong couple creates an atmosphere of mutual respect, adoration and acceptance. She even notes that couples who never argue can be concerning, because it may mean differences are being hidden, swallowed or erased.

Real intimacy is not the absence of difference. It is the courage to remain tender when difference appears.

Maybe the goal is not to marry your mirror image. Maybe the goal is to become the kind of person who can say: I see that you are not me. I will not make you become me in order to love you. I will learn you. I will tell the truth about myself. I will let us grow.

Compatibility may help a couple begin.

But acceptance, appreciation, commitment and the willingness to love across differences may be what helps them last.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org

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Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Clearing Out Resentment, Guilt and Unspoken Expectations

There’s something about spring that invites us to shed what’s stale and breathe fresh air into our homes.

And believe it or not… spring will be here this month!

It’s the season to dust off forgotten corners, donate what no longer serves us, and stand back to admire the crispness of a clean slate. But what if we treated our relationships the same way? What if we took this season of renewal as a cue to clear out the resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations that can quietly clutter our marriages and parenting?

Just as a home full of junk can feel stifling, relationships burdened with emotional debris can limit our joy and connection.

And research agrees. A 2015 study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations are significant predictors of marital dissatisfaction. Similarly, parenting experts warn that lingering guilt and unspoken assumptions can create friction with our kids.

Dusting Out Resentment in Marriage

Resentment often starts as a small speck—an eye roll when your partner forgets, yet again, to take out the trash. But left unaddressed, it can accumulate into a layer of grime that blurs your view of each other. According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher, the antidote to resentment is open communication. “Small things often,” he says, emphasizing that regular, honest conversations can prevent small irritations from growing into deep divides.

To begin, set aside time to talk without distractions. Start sentences with “I feel” rather than “You always,” which keeps the conversation focused on your experience instead of sounding accusatory. And, yes, it’s uncomfortable at first—kind of like pulling the couch away from the wall and finding a collection of dusty mysteries. But the relief of a clean, honest space is worth it.

Sweeping Away Parenting Guilt

If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilty as a parent, I’d have enough for a luxurious kid-free weekend getaway—and probably still feel guilty about going. Parenting guilt is a universal experience, but carrying it unchecked is like dragging a mop through muddy water: it only spreads the mess.

Parenting expert Dr. Tina Payne Bryson advises acknowledging guilt as a sign of care but not letting it dictate our actions.

“Guilt can be a helpful signal, but it becomes unhealthy when it turns into shame or when it keeps us from being present with our children,” she explains. Instead of dwelling on where you think you’re falling short, focus on small, intentional moments of connection with your kids—whether it’s reading one more story at bedtime or sharing a silly dance in the kitchen.

Scrubbing Out Unspoken Expectations

Expectations are tricky. We all have them, but when left unspoken, they can become invisible tripping hazards. Whether it’s expecting your spouse to know you need a break or hoping your child will behave perfectly at the grocery store, unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment and friction.

Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes the importance of “clear is kind.” She encourages us to be explicit about what we need and to ask our loved ones to do the same. When my five-year-old started kindergarten, I realized I had an unspoken expectation that he’d adjust easily. When he didn’t, I felt frustrated—not at him, but at the gap between my expectation and reality. Voicing this allowed me to shift my approach, offering him more support and patience as he navigated the transition.

Embracing the Fresh Air

The beauty of spring cleaning—whether in your home or your heart—isn’t in achieving perfection but in creating space for what matters most. When we clear out resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations, we make room for grace, laughter, and love. We let in the fresh air of connection and breathe a little easier in our most important relationships.

So, as you sweep out the dust bunnies and fold fresh linens, take a moment to dust off your relationships too. It may take time, but the reward is a home—and a heart—where love can flourish.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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Marriage: How to Move Past the Mundane to Magical

It happens to the best of us—marriage becomes mundane over time. Even those of us who are trained and educated in relationships (yes, my hand is raised) can find ourselves treating our spouse like a business partner rather than a romantic, lifelong companion.

Love songs never warn you about Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. when the kids are finally in bed, the laundry still isn’t folded, and both of you are too tired to do anything but scroll mindlessly on your phones. For most couples, this season arrives with a quiet thud.

The initial fireworks of love settle into the steady glow of responsibility, and somewhere between carpool schedules and mortgage payments, many couples find themselves wondering: Have we lost that loving feeling? Is romance still part of our relationship?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Relationship researchers have long documented the natural ebb and flow of romantic love. A study by Dr. Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University, describes how passion often declines over time as couples move from an intense, dopamine-fueled love (infatuation) to a more stable, oxytocin-based attachment (companionate love). While this transition is normal, it can leave couples feeling like they’re merely co-managers of a household rather than romantic partners.

Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, has spent decades studying why relationships thrive or fail. He points out that long-term relationships don’t suffer from a lack of love, but from a lack of intentionality. When partners stop investing in each other emotionally, intellectually, and physically, they begin to drift apart. This can lead to feeling taken for granted, a major predictor of marital dissatisfaction.

So how do couples reignite the spark when their marriage feels mundane? Research and experts suggest several key strategies:

1. Prioritize Novelty

Dr. Arthur Aron (most famous for his “36 Questions” to build intimacy framework) found that couples who engaged in new, challenging activities together—such as taking a dance class or traveling to a new place—reported higher levels of closeness and attraction. Doing something new together sparks the same brain chemicals that fueled early romance.

2. Express Gratitude Daily

Feeling appreciated is a powerful antidote to taking each other for granted. A study published in Personal Relationships found that expressing gratitude to a partner led to higher relationship satisfaction and stronger connection over time. A simple “thank you for making dinner” or “I love how hard you work for our family” goes a long way.

3. Prioritize Physical Touch

Oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone,” is released through touch, deepening feelings of bonding. The late Dr. Sue Johnson, who spent her life as a leading couples therapist, emphasized that small physical gestures—holding hands, hugging, or a quick kiss—can help maintain emotional intimacy.

4. Schedule Time for Connection

Date nights aren’t a luxury; they’re a necessity. Research by The National Marriage Project found that couples who dedicated intentional time together at least once a week were significantly happier in their relationships than those who didn’t.

5. Communicate Beyond Logistics

Many couples fall into the habit of only talking about schedules, bills, and responsibilities. Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch found that couples who continued to ask each other meaningful questions—about their dreams, fears, and desires—were more likely to maintain long-term satisfaction.

If your marriage feels mundane, take heart: studies also show that relationships often improve after going through a mundane or lackluster season.

A longitudinal study from the University of California found that couples who weathered difficult patches and continued investing in their relationship reported higher satisfaction five years later than those who gave up.

The late Dr. Helen Fisher spent her career researching relationships and the brain as a biological anthropologist. In one of her studies, she explained long-term love operates on a different neurochemical system than early-stage romance, and with consistent effort, the deep attachment and affection that emerge can be even more rewarding than the initial rush of infatuation.

If marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, then seasons of monotony are inevitable. But rather than seeing them as the end of passion, couples can view them as an opportunity—to grow, to reconnect, and to choose love again.

So, the next time you find yourself scrolling through your phone while your partner sits next to you, pause. Reach for their hand. Ask them something deeper than “Did you pay the electric bill?” And remember: love isn’t just something that happens to us. It’s something we create, every day, in small and intentional ways.

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The Real Meaning of Valentine’s Day and How to Celebrate

Valentine’s Day, the annual celebration of love, is a day steeped in both history and tradition. Yet, like the best love stories, its origins are a little mysterious, a bit quirky, and undeniably charming. So, before we dive into how you and your loved one can celebrate in meaningful ways that don’t involve crowded restaurants or pricey gifts, let’s take a quick stroll through history to uncover how this day came to be.

The roots of Valentine’s Day trace back to ancient Rome, where the feast of Lupercalia was celebrated in mid-February.

This festival was a mix of fertility rituals and the pairing off of young couples. With the rise of Christianity, the holiday took on new meaning and was eventually linked to Saint Valentine. But here’s where things get fuzzy: there were at least two martyred saints named Valentine in the early Christian church, and their stories are a bit murky.

One story claims Saint Valentine was a priest who performed secret marriages for young lovers in defiance of an emperor’s ban on matrimony for soldiers. The most popular tale claims he was imprisoned for helping Christians escape persecution and fell in love with his jailer’s daughter, sending her a note signed, “From your Valentine.” While the truth may never be fully untangled, the romantic undertones of these stories cemented Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love.

By the 14th century, February 14th was associated with romance, thanks in part to poets like Geoffrey Chaucer. Over time, exchanging love notes, flowers, and tokens of affection became customary, evolving into the Valentine’s Day we know today.

At its core, Valentine’s Day is about pausing to express love and gratitude to those who matter most.

Whether it’s your spouse, kids, or even your closest friends, this day invites us to step away from the busyness of life and focus on our relationships. It’s less about the commercialized fanfare and more about the heartfelt connections that make life richer.

If the thought of overcrowded restaurants and overpriced trinkets makes you cringe, you’re not alone. Some of the most meaningful celebrations don’t cost a dime.

Here are a few creative ways to celebrate love this Valentine’s Day that prioritize deep connection:

1. Cook Together

Pick a new recipe or a cherished favorite and cook a meal together at home. The process of preparing food side by side can be surprisingly intimate and fun. Bonus: you can enjoy it in your pajamas if you want!

2. Write Love Letters

Take a moment to reflect on why you’re grateful for your partner. Write it all down in a letter. Exchange them over coffee or dessert, and watch as their face lights up while they read your words.

3. Create a Memory Jar

Grab a jar and fill it with notes recalling favorite memories you’ve shared. You can take turns reading them aloud, reliving those moments together.

4. Take a Walk Down Memory Lane

Flip through old photo albums, rewatch the video of your wedding or first date, or revisit the spot where you first met. Nostalgia has a way of reigniting the spark.

5. Have a DIY Spa Night

Light some candles, play relaxing music, and take turns giving each other massages. It’s a relaxing way to unwind and connect.

6. Plan Future Adventures

Dream up future trips, date nights, or goals you want to tackle together. Creating a vision for the future can strengthen your bond and give you something exciting to look forward to.

7. Volunteer Together

Spend the day giving back as a team. Whether it’s serving at a local shelter or writing cards for nursing home residents, spreading love to others can deepen your own connection.

While Valentine’s Day is a lovely reminder to celebrate our relationships, it’s worth remembering that love is in the everyday moments: the shared laughter, the teamwork, and the simple “I’m thinking of you” texts. Whether you celebrate with grand gestures or quiet moments, what matters most is that it’s authentic to you and your partner.

So this Valentine’s Day, ditch the pressure to make it picture-perfect. Instead, focus on what really matters: the love that brought you together and the joy of nurturing it every day.

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How Shame Harms Everything in Our Relationships 

Shame. It’s a small word, but it carries the weight of a wrecking ball. Unlike guilt, which says, I did something bad, shame whispers something far more sinister: I am bad. Left unchecked, shame can quietly sabotage our most precious relationships and leave us feeling trapped, isolated, and misunderstood, even around the holiday season.

As a mother of two and someone deeply immersed in the world of healthy relationships, I’ve seen how shame shows up in families, friendships, and romantic partnerships. It’s sneaky, often hiding in the shadows of perfectionism, defensiveness, or avoidance. But make no mistake: shame isn’t a passive passenger. It actively distorts how we view ourselves and how we connect with others.

Psychologist Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Shame differs from guilt in one key way: guilt focuses on behavior, while shame targets identity. It’s not “I made a mistake.” It’s “I am a mistake.”

It often starts early, rooted in our childhood experiences.

A critical parent, a humiliating moment at school, or even a well-intentioned but hurtful comment can plant the seeds. Over time, those seeds grow, shaping how we see ourselves and interact with others.

Unchecked shame doesn’t stay contained. It spills over, impacting how we love, argue, and show up in relationships. Studies show that it is closely linked to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression—all of which can erode connection and intimacy.

When we carry shame, we often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect ourselves.

For some, this looks like withdrawing emotionally, creating a wall to avoid vulnerability. For others, it manifests as perfectionism, trying to earn love and acceptance by being flawless.

One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who carry a high level of shame are more likely to engage in destructive relationship behaviors, such as criticism, blame, or avoidance. Why? Because shame convinces us that we’re unlovable, and we act out of fear of rejection.

The good news? Shame isn’t a life sentence.

With awareness and intentional effort, we can break free and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Name it to tame it.  

Brené Brown says shame thrives in secrecy. The first step to overcoming it is acknowledging it. Share your feelings with someone you trust—a friend, partner, therapist, or support group. Saying, “I feel ashamed about this,” robs shame of its power.

2. Challenge the narrative.

Ask yourself: Whose voice am I hearing when I feel this way? Often, shame stems from someone else’s expectations or criticisms, not our own truth. Replace those negative scripts with self-compassion.

3. Focus on connection.

Shame isolates, but vulnerability connects. Being open about your struggles can deepen relationships. For example, instead of lashing out when you feel insecure, try saying, “I’m feeling a little unsure right now. Can we talk about it?”

4. Seek professional help.

If shame feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can be transformative. Approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help people heal from deep-seated shame.

As a mom, I’ve thought a lot about the kind of emotional legacy I want to leave for my kids. I know they’ll make mistakes—just like I do. But I never want them to confuse their missteps with their worth. So, when my 5-year-old son spills his milk or struggles with a new task, I remind him: “It’s okay to make mistakes. You’re still learning, and I’m proud of you for trying.”

We all deserve that kind of grace, no matter our age.

Shame is a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to define us. By addressing it head-on, we can create relationships built on authenticity, empathy, and mutual respect. Imagine a world where we feel safe to say, “I messed up, but I’m still worthy of love.” That’s the kind of world I want for my kids—and for all of us.

So, let’s start today. Let’s name the shame, rewrite the story, and reclaim the connection we all deserve.

Your turn: What’s one small step you can take this week to silence shame’s voice? Whether it’s sharing your feelings with someone you trust or simply being kinder to yourself, remember: you’re worth it. Always.

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How to Keep the Poison of Resentment Out of Your Marriage

This year was the first Thanksgiving my family celebrated without my grandmother. 

Shortly before Christmas of last year, she fell and broke her hip. As the story goes with many people in their late eighties who suffer a fall, she struggled to recover and ultimately passed away from her injuries four months later.

However, being together over the Thanksgiving holiday was a much-needed balm for the soul. We laughed, we ate, we played games, danced and sang out of tune. Unprompted, my dad and his two brothers shared the same statement, “I am so grateful for my mom and dad. They gave us everything we needed and they loved each other so much. We were truly blessed.”

I spent a lot of time with my paternal grandparents when I was growing up. I can still hear them playfully bickering, loudly calling for each other using their pet names and laughing at inside jokes. I enjoyed spending time with them, and I can attest, they really did love each other. And they really did love their family.

My grandfather was tragically killed in a car accident two decades ago, a life-altering event we still grieve. And, of course, it was especially difficult for my grandmother. Until the day she passed, she told me, “Lauren, I wish I had sat with him on the front porch after dinner all those times he asked me to instead of worrying about the dishes or sweeping the floor. I wish I had cherished him more.”

My grandparents were married for 48 years when my grandfather was killed. My mom and dad have been married for nearly forty-five years. My aunts and uncles have all been married forty-plus years. And, strangely enough, they all still like each other. They hold hands. They kiss. They laugh, play, and even pat each other on the bottom every time they leave a room– a true sign of affection in my family.

Now, let me be clear, they’re not perfect, and we’ve had many family conversations and issues we’ve had to work through together concerning marriages and relationship dynamics. But at the end of the day, they all have one important thing in common: they choose each other.

Over the holiday, several members of my family took a long walk together. I decided to get the inside scoop. “Most of the couples I see who have been married a long time don’t seem to like each other very much,” I started. “How do you all still care for each other so well?”

My dad’s response was simple, yet profound. “We give each other space when we need it, we pursue each other when we need it, and we agreed a long time ago that we would always communicate and work through any problem together. We’re for each other,” he said.

Marriage is hard. That’s not exactly a groundbreaking statement, but what often gets overlooked in the grind of raising kids, juggling jobs, and managing a household is this: Resentment doesn’t grow overnight.

It’s like weeds in a garden—neglect the relationship long enough, and those little annoyances and unmet needs can choke out the love you so carefully planted. 

What does it look like to use my dad’s antidote of being for each other? It’s not about grand gestures or lavish trips (though I’m not saying no to a spontaneous weekend getaway). Being for your spouse is a mindset—a commitment to having their back, cheering them on, and meeting their needs with intention.

It means you’ll show up for the little things and tune into their daily needs. Maybe it’s brewing their coffee before they wake up, folding that pile of laundry they haven’t gotten to, or simply asking, “What can I take off your plate today?” 

Being for your spouse also means you celebrate them frequently.

In the busyness of life, it’s easy to focus on what your spouse isn’t doing. (I’m currently staring at the dishes that have been on my husband’s to-do list for two days.) But what about what they are doing? Did they handle a tough meeting at work? Crush their first 5K? Make it through a day of toddler tantrums with their sanity intact? Celebrate it!

When you’ve been married long enough, you’re bound to collect a few negative interactions and moments together. Maybe your spouse forgot your anniversary or snapped at you during a stressful moment. When resentment threatens to creep in, choose to be for each other by practicing forgiveness. And remember, it isn’t about condoning bad behavior—it’s about choosing peace over bitterness.

“Your dad isn’t perfect,” my Mom told me. “And sometimes he drives me insane. But, he’s very kind to me. He always considers me, and because of that, I’ve never doubted his love for me.”

Being for your spouse doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs or becoming a doormat.

It’s about building a relationship where both of you feel seen, supported, and celebrated. In our house, that looks like tag-teaming bedtime routines, surprising each other with little treats, and occasionally laughing about how far we’ve come since arguing over how to pack boxes “the right way” when we moved into our first apartment.

Next time you feel the urge to turn against your spouse and add to the laundry list of things they are or are not doing, choose to be for them instead. And if your spouse doesn’t quite get what it looks like to be for you, remember it only takes one person to lead a dance. Your example can turn the tide, maybe even for generations.

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Navigating Differences Around the Thanksgiving Table

Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude, family, and pumpkin pie—but let’s not forget it’s also a time when differences can simmer hotter than the gravy on the stove. With loved ones gathering around the table, each bringing their unique perspectives, opinions, and life experiences, it’s no wonder that tensions can occasionally bubble up. However, the holiday doesn’t have to be a battleground of opinions. In fact, managing differences well can deepen connections and strengthen family bonds.

Dr. Jeanne Safer, a psychotherapist and author, suggests that family conflicts often arise because we come to the table with deeply ingrained roles and expectations. “Families are where we are the most vulnerable and where our unresolved issues often play out,” she explains. Whether it’s the sibling who feels overshadowed, the parent-child dynamic that resurfaces, or the clashing political views, unresolved feelings can create friction.  

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, known for his research on relationships, points out that it’s not conflict itself that’s harmful, but how we handle it. Families that manage differences with respect and empathy often emerge closer, while those that let arguments spiral into personal attacks create lasting rifts.  

Consider following these guidelines if you’d like your Thanksgiving feast to be rich in connection rather than contention:

Set clear intentions for yourself for the day.

Before you gather, set a personal intention to approach differences with curiosity rather than judgment. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist, advises, “You don’t have to agree with someone to listen to them. The goal is understanding, not winning.”  

Avoid hot-button topics, or approach them mindfully.

Some families thrive on debate, while others crumble under the pressure of political or personal disagreements. If your family falls into the latter category, it’s okay to gently steer the conversation away from topics that historically lead to arguments. Try, “Let’s save that for another time. How’s the garden this year?”  

Practice the power of pause.

If you feel your blood pressure rising during a heated exchange, take a breath. Research from the University of California, Berkeley, shows that even a brief pause can reduce emotional intensity and improve communication. A simple “Let me think about that for a second” can diffuse tension and keep the conversation constructive.  

Lean into gratitude.

Thanksgiving is literally about giving thanks. A study from the University of Southern California found that gratitude fosters greater empathy and reduces the likelihood of conflict. Make gratitude a family tradition—whether it’s sharing what you’re thankful for before the meal or writing down your blessings and reading them aloud.  

Teach (and model) emotional regulation.

If you have young children, like my five-year-old son or one-year-old daughter, you know holidays are teachable moments. Kids often model what they see. If you handle disagreements calmly, you’re teaching them invaluable skills for managing their future relationships. Adults are never too old to learn and practice new skills. The more we use emotional regulation techniques, the more commonplace they will become in our day-to-day lives.

Family differences don’t have to be divisive. They can be a source of growth.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, a neuroscientist and family therapist, explains that healthy conflict, when navigated respectfully, strengthens neural pathways that build resilience. In other words, working through differences makes us emotionally stronger and better equipped to handle life’s challenges.  

This Thanksgiving, embrace the quirks and complexities that make your family uniquely yours. Because at the end of the day, it’s not the disagreements that matter—it’s how we show up for each other, year after year, despite them.  

And if all else fails, remember: pie can silence almost any argument.  

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

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Finding a Safe Haven in Marriage: How Childhood Trauma Affects Intimacy

My daily work involves researching and understanding more about relationships and the things that affect them the most. I’m constantly struck by the ways our early experiences ripple through our adult lives—particularly when it comes to love and how we commit to one another. A new study titled A Safe Haven Through Attachment sheds light on something deeply powerful: the connection between childhood trauma and relationship satisfaction in adults. The study explores how our romantic partnerships can either heal or deepen the scars of past trauma. 

The researchers aimed to understand how early childhood trauma influences relationship satisfaction, particularly through the lens of attachment theory.

Attachment theory suggests that our ability to form healthy relationships as adults is deeply shaped by our earliest bonds—particularly with parents and caregivers. The study focused on couples, looking at both partners’ childhood trauma experiences and how these shaped their relationship dynamics. They wanted to see whether strong emotional connections between partners (also known as “attachment security”) could serve as a buffer against the negative impacts of trauma.

The study revealed that those who experienced significant childhood trauma often struggled more with relationship satisfaction as adults.

But here’s the hopeful part: the quality of attachment between partners plays a major role in mitigating these struggles. Couples who were able to create a safe, emotionally supportive environment for one another saw better relationship outcomes, even if one or both partners had experienced trauma in their past.

One particularly interesting aspect of the research is the idea of “dyadic” effects—how each partner’s history of trauma not only affects their own relationship satisfaction but also influences their partner’s well-being. It’s a reminder that relationships are a two-way street; we carry our pasts into our partnerships, and those pasts inevitably intertwine.

If you, like me, sometimes find yourself navigating the beautiful chaos of marriage and parenting, this research hits close to home. It tells us that while childhood trauma can cast a long shadow, the love and security we build with our partners can offer healing. Relationships become a safe haven—a place where wounds from the past can be soothed rather than reopened.

But this doesn’t happen on its own. The study emphasizes that creating this kind of bond requires emotional openness, trust, and—yes—communication. It’s about recognizing that our partners have their own histories, and together we can work through the ways those histories shape our present.

This also offers a glimpse into the role we play as parents.

Our children’s early experiences shape how they’ll relate to others down the road. So whether it’s a little one adjusting to the dynamics of elementary school or an infant learning the basics of attachment through our own caregiving, we’re laying the groundwork for their future relationships.

For readers who want to dig deeper, this study is also a reminder that trauma doesn’t just go away when we reach adulthood. While seeking professional help and practicing self-reflection can be essential tools for healing, our relationships play an equally significant role. They can provide a place of safety—or a source of additional pain. Recognizing that partners can help each other heal is a powerful insight for anyone who has struggled with intimacy due to their past.

Through working with married couples, and trying to build a secure connection in my own marriage, it’s easy to see how our childhood experiences shape the way we connect and attach with our spouses. However, our childhood is not always easy to discuss and revisit. As you process this information on your own and with your significant other, practice empathy and give lots of grace. This will continue to foster a safe, warm environment for a healthy relationship.

In a world where so many of us are carrying invisible wounds, this research calls us to be more aware of the importance of secure attachment in adult relationships.

It’s not just about being in love; it’s about being emotionally safe. If we’re willing to put in the work with our partners—building trust and nurturing closeness—we can create relationships that transcend the pain of the past and give us a healthier, more connected future.

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