You’re constantly fighting with your significant other and just can’t take it anymore. Your spouse continually ignores you, and you feel so alone in your marriage. There’s a piece of you that wants to make it work, but you’re also exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically.

What do you do?

A quick Google search will provide familiar answers from well-known publications and celebrities. 

If your needs aren’t being met, the relationship is probably dead.”

“If you’re tired of feeling like the only one trying in your marriage, it’s time to call it quits.”

“If you argue often, it’s time to move out and move on.”

The problem with those answers is that all romantic relationships go through seasons of tension, stress, conflict, and disconnect.

According to Dr. Dana McNeil, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist certified in evidence-based methods from The Gottman Institute, all couples experience rough patches.

The bright side is all couples who experience these rough patches also have the potential to work through the issues and come out stronger and more “in love” than ever before,” says Dr. McNeil.

Staying in a mentally, physically, or emotionally abusive relationship is never the answer. In fact, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get help now by contacting the National Domestic Abuse Hotline by visiting thehotline.org or calling 1.800.799.SAFE.

It doesn’t mean your relationship is failing if you find yourself in disagreements regularly, feeling disconnected, or even stuck in a negative rut with your spouse or significant other.

These seasons may not provide enough fuel to burn your relationship to the ground. In fact, the fuel they provide could ignite a deeper, more intimate flame than you’ve ever experienced together.

There is no sugar coating the situation,” says Dr. McNeil. “You will have to make the decision that the relationship is worth being in and working on… you must commit to rolling up your sleeves and doing your part.”

Once you make that decision, here are the next steps, according to Dr. McNeil:

1: Notice your role in the disconnect.

There’s the “we stuff” that impacts a relationship, and then there’s the “me stuff.” Take inventory of your attitude, mindset, and any internal work you may need to do. While couples therapy is a good option, individual therapy can also clarify your role in your relationship.

2: Focus on fun.

Positive experiences lead to positive emotions. Getting stuck in a pattern of negative thinking about your significant other and your relationship is easy. Create moments and experiences that boost intimacy and affection. Remembering what your relationship felt like when things were good may be all you need to stay motivated and work through this rough patch.

3: Ask for what you need and drop the blame.

Have you openly voiced your needs? It’s common to assume our significant other or spouse knows us so well we shouldn’t have to tell them what we want or need. In fact, it’s easy to think that if they really loved you, you wouldn’t have to ask them to clean up the kitchen after you cook, make time for a regular 30-minute conversation with you in the evenings, or acknowledge your interests. But, the truth is, no amount of love, care, and commitment can transform someone into a mind reader. That’s why it’s important to voice your needs and desires with no assumptions or blame placed on the other person.

Decades of research and personal experiences have shown that romantic relationships can enhance your life, lower your stress levels, and increase your overall happiness.

If it feels like your relationship or marriage is doing the opposite at the moment, I hope trying these three steps provides some momentum to turn your situation around. 

If you’d like to talk to someone about your relationship or marriage, or if you’d like to receive some deeper insights, reach out to First Things First today. You’ll be connected with a relationship coach who can help you identify barriers and obstacles that are keeping you from having the relationship or marriage you desire. Get connected now by going to FirstThings.org/coaching or emailing us at [email protected].

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Travis Grossen on Unsplash

Most people have heard about how important it is to be kind, understanding, and communicate well in relationships, right? Recent research shows one ingredient to relationship satisfaction that often goes unchecked: a generous amount of self-compassion.

Self-compassion is giving the same break and understanding to yourself as you would to a friend going through a tough time.

Imagine this scenario: you’ve had a crazy day at work, deadlines looming over you, and then your partner starts hassling you about dinner or cleaning up. You’ve got two choices: either let it all get to you and feel like you’re failing at everything, or give yourself a pat on the back, admit you’re doing your best, and ask for a hand. Being a bit kinder to yourself not only takes the edge off for you but also for your partner. Plus, it opens up a chance for you both to be real and connect on a deeper level.

Studies have shown that people who practice self-compassion tend to have happier relationships overall. Makes sense, right? When you’re nicer to yourself, you can handle all the ups and downs life throws at you better, and you can be there for your partner when they need it.

Think about how many times you’ve taken your frustrations with yourself out on your partner. We’ve all been there. What if we could break that cycle by just being a bit nicer to ourselves?

Self-compassion is something many of us don’t realize is missing from our daily lives. But guess what? It’s a skill that can be learned and improved over time. So next time that little voice in your head starts telling you that you’re not doing enough, here are a few things you can do to practice self-compassion:

  • Cut yourself some slack, especially when things get tough. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.
  • Recognize and appreciate your own efforts, even if things don’t always go perfectly. Starting a gratitude journal can help with making this a habit you can build on.
  • When you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to ask your partner for help.
  • Remember that learning to be kind to yourself takes time and practice.

By being kinder to yourself, you’ll not only improve your own well-being but also create a more loving and supportive environment in your relationship.

With another election cycle rolling around, it’s time to brace ourselves for all of the political chatter. While it’s one thing to dodge those awkward family debates, it’s a whole other ball game when you and your partner are on opposite sides of the political fence. But fear not! With a little work, you can keep the peace and the passion alive in your marriage, even when you’re seeing red and blue.

Here are some real-life tips to help you navigate those choppy political waters without capsizing your relationship:

1. Listen up and speak kindly

Communication is key, folks. When the topic turns political, focus on really hearing each other out. Forget about winning arguments and prioritize understanding and respecting each other’s viewpoints. Love can conquer all, even differing political opinions.

2. Set some ground rules

Before things get heated, agree on some boundaries for your political discussions. Maybe it’s avoiding the topic during dinner or a rule against debating before bed. Whatever works for you, just make sure to keep the peace and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

3. Find common ground

Look beyond politics and reconnect over shared interests and values. Whether it’s cooking together, binging your favorite show, or enjoying nature together, focusing on what brings you joy as a couple can help keep your bond strong.

4. Compromise like a boss

Marriage is all about give and take, right? So when you hit a political roadblock, try to find a middle ground that recognizes both of your perspectives. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do have to respect each other’s beliefs.

5. Lead by example

Be the change you wish to see in your relationship. Stay open-minded, be willing to consider new ideas, and show your partner the same respect you’d like in return. Your positivity just might rub off on them.

6. Seek help if you need it

If political disagreements start putting a strain on your marriage, don’t hesitate to reach out to a pro for guidance. Sometimes, having a neutral third party can work wonders in helping you find that common ground and strengthen your bond.

Remember, it’s okay to disagree. What matters most is how you handle those differences. By communicating openly, setting boundaries, finding common ground, compromising when needed, leading by example, and seeking help when necessary, you can weather any political storm that comes your way. After all, a strong marriage isn’t made from not having any differences, but in committing to weathering life’s storms together, hand in hand.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and it’s time to start planning something special for your significant other. If you’re tired of the same old dinner and a movie routine, we’ve got you covered with 5 creative Valentine’s Day ideas.

1. Plan a Themed Dinner at Home

If you’re looking for a romantic and creative way to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your significant other, consider planning a themed dinner at home. This is a great way to create a unique and intimate experience that you both will remember for years to come. Here are a few tips to help you plan the perfect themed dinner:

Choose a Theme. Whether it’s food from a specific area of the world or recreating your first date, the first step in planning a themed dinner is to choose a theme that you both will enjoy. 

Create a Menu. Once you’ve chosen a theme, it’s time to create a menu that fits the theme. Look up recipes online or in cookbooks to find dishes that match your theme and your tastes. Make sure to include appetizers, entrees, and desserts.

Decorate Accordingly. To create the perfect ambiance for your themed dinner, decorate your dining area accordingly. Use tablecloths, placemats, and napkins that match your theme. Add candles, flowers, and other decorations to create a romantic atmosphere. You can also play music that fits your theme to enhance the dining experience.

2. Craft a Romantic Scavenger Hunt

Looking for a fun and creative way to spend Valentine’s Day with your significant other? Consider planning a romantic scavenger hunt! Here are some tips to help you get started:

Design the Clues. The key to a successful scavenger hunt is designing clues that are challenging but not too difficult. Consider using riddles, puzzles, or even inside jokes that only the two of you would understand.

Select Meaningful Locations. When planning your scavenger hunt, think about locations that are special to you and your partner. Maybe it’s the place where you had your first date or a spot where you shared a particularly memorable moment. Including these meaningful locations in your hunt will make the experience even more romantic and personal.

Prepare a Surprise Ending. No scavenger hunt is complete without a surprise ending! Consider ending your hunt with a special surprise, like a picnic in the park or a romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant. This will be the perfect way to cap off a fun and memorable Valentine’s Day adventure.

3. Personalize a Movie Night

Thinking an evening at home might be better suited for you and your love? Why not try a movie night that’s tailored to your relationship? Here are a few tips to help you create a customized and memorable experience.

Select Films with Significance. Choose movies that hold special meaning for both of you. It could be the first movie you watched together, a favorite romantic comedy, or a film that relates to a shared interest. Take turns picking movies and enjoy reminiscing about past memories and creating new ones.

Prepare Movie-Themed Snacks. Make the movie night even more special by preparing snacks related to the films you’re watching. For example, if you’re watching a romantic comedy set in Paris, serve croissants and coffee. Or if you’re watching a movie set in the Wild West, try serving popcorn in a cowboy hat. Use your imagination and have fun with it.

Set the Scene. Create a cozy and romantic atmosphere for your movie night. Dim the lights, light some candles, and add some comfortable pillows and blankets.

4. Make a Relationship Scrapbook or Photobook

Looking for a unique way to celebrate your love this Valentine’s Day? Consider making a relationship scrapbook together! This project is a great way to reminisce about all the wonderful memories you’ve shared over the years.

Gather your supplies. You’ll need a photobook, patterned paper, scissors, tape, stickers, and of course, printed photos of the two of you together. 

Personalize it. Once you have everything you need, start by selecting your favorite photos and arranging them in a way that tells the story of your relationship. You can add captions, journal entries, or other special touches to make the book more meaningful.

Spend time reminiscing. One of the great things about making a relationship scrapbook is that it’s a project you can work on together. Spend an afternoon or evening going through old photos and reminiscing about the good times you’ve shared.

5. Let First Things First Plan For You!

You and your love are invited to an exclusive date night experience on February 10th, 2024 – the perfect Valentine’s Day celebration! Our new Heart to Heart Date Nights are designed to strengthen your relationship while also strengthening the mission of First Things First. Proceeds from each ticket go directly to providing a low-income or at-risk couple access to relationship-strengthening resources from First Things First.

This romantic evening includes:

  • A four-course meal for 2
  • Live music by local Harpist
  • An intimate marriage experience led by speaker, author, and Psychologist Dr. David Banks
  • A personalized Valentine’s Day gift!

Get your tickets by January 31st at FirstThings.org/HeartToHeart. Space is limited.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

Since January 1, 2023, more than 5,000 people have visited the First Things First (FTF) website in search of help against “resentment in marriage.” Terms such as how to overcome resentment, moving past resentment, letting go of resentment, and what to do when my spouse resents me have flooded the search bar. 

Resentment in marriage isn’t new

But, I wondered what was causing the spike in searches and if there were any other queries seeing a similar increase. After a little more review of Google trends and analytics, I found the term “self-care” also saw a significant spike over the last 3 months. While this could be a wild coincidence and have no correlation, this exercise gave me an “aha” moment about resentment.

When couples initially feel resentment in their marriage, they often correlate it with anger. But, resentment is not a function of anger; it’s a function of envy. 

Let’s break this down a little more through an example. Your spouse is watching TV and relaxing on the couch when you get home from work. However, the house is dirty, there’s no food to be eaten, and the laundry baskets are spilling over. You feel mad. Heat surges through your body. You may say something like, “Don’t you see all this stuff that needs to be done?” “Why are you just sitting there?” And if you’re not careful, you may become accusatory and use language such as “lazy,” “I do everything,” “you never help,” and the list goes on. 

A closer look at anger

In this example, you feel angry because of everything your spouse didn’t do, but here’s why that anger is actually envy: In your mind, your spouse has become the culprit for putting more work on your plate. The consequence of having more work to do is not being able to relax or do other things you wanted. On an even deeper note, you can’t help but notice everything that needs to be done around the house, and it’s hard for you to relax until it IS done. But, your spouse is obviously capable of relaxing, even when there’s a list of things to do. How is that possible? Why are they able to do this, and you’re not? This is envy. 

With this example in mind, the correlation between the increase in searches for “self-care” and “resentment” makes more sense. Spouses may feel resentment toward each other because self-care has become an obstacle in their marriage. This could look like one spouse receiving more time or having more energy for self-care or even one spouse just not needing as much self-care as the other.

Regardless of the circumstance, the key to walk away with is this: Resentment is a function of envy, not anger. This knowledge allows you to go one step deeper in overcoming resentment in your relationship. If you feel resentment toward your spouse for any reason, ask yourself these questions before giving in to anger:

  • How am I comparing myself to them in this situation?
  • Is there something my spouse is doing or receiving that I’m envious of?
  • Have I communicated my needs and desires to my spouse and explained why they matter to me? (e.g., I need you to do the laundry while I’m gone because I’d really like to relax when I get home, and I just can’t if the laundry is piled high.)

Understanding that resentment is a function of envy gives you a solid solution for how to handle it. Envy often comes from an unmet need or desire. Before turning to anger and blame, take a deeper dive within yourself. Over time, doing this can also change the way you see your spouse and your marriage.

Our world is filled with technological devices and relationships. With technology always (or nearly always) with us, we can be more productive and fill in the gaps in our day. Isn’t that a good thing? Maybe.

Let’s look at how technology impacts your relationship with your significant other. Remember: Technology is a tool. It can be used positively or negatively.

Technology Gaps

Let’s look at those “gaps” technology often fills up. There are many opportunities in the day for “small talk” that isn’t small at all. These may not be times when you’re doing heavy relationship work. But these moments build “connective tissue” that can strengthen your relationship. (If you can put technology in its place.)

  • When you wake up.
  • Car rides.
  • Meals.
  • Leisure time.
  • Before you fall asleep.

Those may look like ordinary parts of your daily routine, but they are chances to connect. They’re also opportunities for technology to steal your attention. “Technoference” describes when technology interrupts face-to-face interaction.

Interruptions and Distractions

Technoference affects most couples in some way. Consider these findings from a recent survey of married/partnered women by the University of Pennsylvania. The women surveyed indicated that the following distractions and interruptions happened daily.

  • 62% said technology interferes with their leisure time together. 
  • 40% said their partner gets distracted by the TV during a conversation. 
  • 35% said their partner will pull out his phone if he receives a notification, even if they are in the middle of a conversation.
  • 33% said their partner checks his phone during mealtimes together.
  • 25% said their partner texts other people during the couple’s face-to-face conversations.

The goal isn’t to assign blame. The goal is to be actively present with the love of your life. Technology isn’t the problem. Technology presents a wealth of opportunities to do positive relationship things. 

Have A Talk

The only reliable way to measure the technoference in your relationship is to talk with your spouse about it. 

Feeling up to some relationship work? Carve out some uninterrupted time to talk about the impact of technology on your relationship. Here are some questions to get you started. 

Please keep in mind that technology is so ingrained in our lives that we aren’t always conscious of how we use it or the habits we’ve formed. You both probably have some blindspots. Approach this conversation in a positive, constructive way.

  1. Do you ever feel like you’re competing with technology for my attention? What are some examples?
  1. Even when we’re together, do you ever feel like I’m not fully “present” with you because of technology? Do you mind sharing some examples?
  1. Do I have any phone/television/social media/gaming/online shopping habits that are a source of tension with you? Let’s talk about them.
  1. What sensible boundaries for technology can we put in place to ensure our relationship is our first priority?

These conversations can be a revelation. They can also bring up sensitive topics like mutual account access, over-sharing on social media, passwords, and other thorny couple issues. Trustworthy spouses can have strong, differing opinions. 

If the technoference conversation is shifting toward past problems, insecurity, control, or trust, technology probably isn’t the real issue. You may need to bring in some professional advice to work through difficult areas where you can’t reach an agreement.

Don’t forget to be creative and discuss using technology to enhance your relationship. Stay connected through texts, Facetime, and apps that prompt conversations or help you track your couple goals.

Sources:

McDaniel & Drouin Parker. (2019). Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being.

https://rb.gy/upte3

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Our world is filled with technological devices and relationships. With technology always (or nearly always) with us, we can be more productive and fill in the gaps in our day. Isn’t that a good thing? Maybe.

Let’s look at how technology impacts your relationship with your significant other. Remember: Technology is a tool. It can be used positively or negatively.

Technology Gaps

Let’s look at those “gaps” technology often fills up. There are many opportunities in the day for “small talk” that isn’t small at all. These may not be times when you’re doing heavy relationship work. But these moments build “connective tissue” that can strengthen your relationship. (If you can put technology in its place.)

  • When you wake up.
  • Car rides.
  • Meals.
  • Leisure time.
  • Before you fall asleep.

Those may look like ordinary parts of your daily routine, but they are chances to connect. They’re also opportunities for technology to steal your attention. “Technoference” describes when technology interrupts face-to-face interaction.

Interruptions and Distractions

Technoference affects most couples in some way. Consider these findings from a recent survey of married/partnered women by the University of Pennsylvania. The women surveyed indicated that the following distractions and interruptions happened daily.

  • 62% said technology interferes with their leisure time together. 
  • 40% said their partner gets distracted by the TV during a conversation. 
  • 35% said their partner will pull out his phone if he receives a notification, even if they are in the middle of a conversation.
  • 33% said their partner checks his phone during mealtimes together.
  • 25% said their partner texts other people during the couple’s face-to-face conversations.

The goal isn’t to assign blame. The goal is to be actively present with the love of your life. Technology isn’t the problem. Technology presents a wealth of opportunities to do positive relationship things. 

Have A Talk

The only reliable way to measure the technoference in your relationship is to talk with your spouse about it. 

Feeling up to some relationship work? Carve out some uninterrupted time to talk about the impact of technology on your relationship. Here are some questions to get you started. 

Please keep in mind that technology is so ingrained in our lives that we aren’t always conscious of how we use it or the habits we’ve formed. You both probably have some blindspots. Approach this conversation in a positive, constructive way.

  1. Do you ever feel like you’re competing with technology for my attention? What are some examples?
  1. Even when we’re together, do you ever feel like I’m not fully “present” with you because of technology? Do you mind sharing some examples?
  1. Do I have any phone/television/social media/gaming/online shopping habits that are a source of tension with you? Let’s talk about them.
  1. What sensible boundaries for technology can we put in place to ensure our relationship is our first priority?

These conversations can be a revelation. They can also bring up sensitive topics like mutual account access, over-sharing on social media, passwords, and other thorny couple issues. Trustworthy spouses can have strong, differing opinions. 

If the technoference conversation is shifting toward past problems, insecurity, control, or trust, technology probably isn’t the real issue. You may need to bring in some professional advice to work through difficult areas where you can’t reach an agreement.

Don’t forget to be creative and discuss using technology to enhance your relationship. Stay connected through texts, Facetime, and apps that prompt conversations or help you track your couple goals.

Sources:

McDaniel & Drouin Parker. (2019). Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being.

https://rb.gy/upte3

h

L

Feeling disconnected from your spouse can be as confusing as it is concerning. You might be wondering if you’re imagining things. (We all do this at times.) Or is this a normal feeling during a hectic season of life? (We all go through those times.) Is it a sign of something deeper and perhaps more troubling? (Maybe. But let’s not rush there.)

The question is: What will you do about this feeling of disconnection?

Here are five suggestions to help you get to the bottom of this situation. 

1. Tell your spouse how you feel.

Sounds obvious, right? We often sit with these feelings for far too long without dealing with them directly. You can be as straightforward as I just wanted to let you know that I feel disconnected from you lately. Can we talk about it?

Your spouse might feel the same way, and you can begin to address it together. Your spouse might explain how they’ve been stressed out lately and offer to plan time together to reconnect.

2. Share your need to feel more connected with your spouse and include the actions and activities that help you feel connected.

We’re all wired differently. We experience connection uniquely. Your spouse might think that if there aren’t any obvious problems, all is well in your marriage. (If we’re keeping things real, this is often the default setting for many people.)

3. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

This is not a roundabout way to say this is all in your head. This is human nature. If you’re mentally burned out, emotionally spent, and/or physically exhausted– disconnected from your best self –you’ll feel disconnected from those around you. 

You might need some alone time. Engage in some things that recharge and reenergize you. Don’t feel an ounce of guilt for taking care of yourself. This equips you to connect with others in meaningful ways.

4. Take a look at your circumstances.

Have there been some significant changes? Have you or your spouse’s schedules become crazy? (Has your child’s schedule become crazy?) Have your usual routines been disrupted? New career demands? Travel? Are in-laws stopping by more often? Any of these things can easily disrupt the typical ways you connect with your spouse.

If you can’t change your circumstances, you can intentionally carve out time to connect with your spouse. You might have to try some new approaches. Get creative. Be sure you’re getting the most out of your time together. (Don’t just sit on the couch and watch a movie. Snuggle it up on the couch and watch a movie.)

5. Don’t be afraid to get help.

By disconnected, do you mean things like:

  • Uninterested in spending time with your spouse?
  • Uninterested in resolving conflict?
  • Uninterested in connecting emotionally?
  • Uninterested in physical touch or sex?

These can be signs of deeper relationship issues that a date night isn’t going to fix. If you feel like your spouse is more of a roommate and less of a soulmate, it’s time to seek some counseling. Whatever you have to do to connect with your spouse is worth it.

BONUS: Focus on giving love, not receiving it. Watch what happens.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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