Ah, the New Year—a season of glittering confetti, fresh planners, and lofty ambitions. For many, it’s a time to hit the reset button, vowing to become better versions of ourselves. As the clock strikes midnight, millions resolve to get healthier, save more, or finally read that stack of books collecting dust on the nightstand.

But let me share a not-so-secret secret: most New Year’s resolutions fizzle out faster than my one-year-old loses interest in peas.

Research from the University of Scranton suggests that only 9% of people actually stick to their resolutions long-term. Why? Because resolutions are often grand declarations made in the holiday afterglow, unaccompanied by a solid plan or sustainable habits.

A resolution is a decision to change. It’s aspirational and often focused on the outcome: “I want to lose 20 pounds” or “I’ll finally get organized.”

A habit, on the other hand, is a routine behavior repeated consistently over time. Habits focus on the process rather than the outcome, which is why they’re more effective. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, explains it this way: “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” In other words, success comes from small, consistent actions rather than sweeping declarations.

Instead of resolving to “get in shape,” for example, focus on one healthy habit: walking for 20 minutes each day. Instead of declaring, “I’ll stop procrastinating,” commit to working on a daunting task for just five minutes. Research shows that small, manageable changes are more likely to stick.

My own foray into habit-building recently included trying to drink more water—a challenge that, oddly enough, felt harder than managing my son’s kindergarten paperwork. Instead of telling myself to “drink more water” (a resolution), I started keeping a water bottle on my desk and sipping whenever I checked emails. That small shift? Game-changer.

When you’re ready to build new habits, start small. BJ Fogg, founder of Stanford’s Behavior Design Lab, emphasizes starting with “tiny habits.” Want to exercise regularly? Begin with one movement a day you weren’t doing before; stretching before bed, parking farther away from work so you can walk more, doing 5 jumping jacks shortly after you wake up. Over time, those tiny actions snowball into meaningful change.

It’s also more effective to pair a new habit with an existing one.

Known as “habit stacking,” this technique helps anchor new behaviors to established routines. For instance, if you want to journal more, try jotting down three things you’re grateful for right after brushing your teeth.

Plus, if you really want to establish a lifelong habit, it’s important to focus on creating a system rather than reaching a goal. If you want to read more, don’t aim to finish 50 books this year. Instead, create a habit of reading one page before bed each night. The system—regular reading—will lead to your goal naturally.

As always, remember to embrace the imperfections of life. Stuff happens. Kids get sick, work piles up, and the dog eats your to-do list. Missing a day doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Research by psychologist Wendy Wood shows that habits are built through repetition, not perfection.

While many habits revolve around personal achievement, don’t forget habits that nourish your relationships.

This year, I’m working on a habit of connection: setting aside 15 minutes of uninterrupted playtime with my kids each evening. (No phones, no multitasking—just pure focus.) My husband and I are also trying a weekly “check-in” where we chat about our goals, schedules, and, occasionally, who’s responsible for the socks perpetually under the couch.

As we step into 2025, I hope you’ll trade the pressure of lofty resolutions for the peace of steady habits. Remember, growth is less about overnight transformation and more about daily commitment.

So, what’s one small habit you can start today? Maybe it’s drinking a glass of water before your morning coffee or calling a loved one every Sunday. Whatever it is, let it be a gift to yourself—a gentle, enduring step toward the person you want to become.

Happy New Year, friends. Let’s make it a good one, one habit at a time.

A friend came to me recently seeking clarity and understanding on a topic that concerned them. They graciously asked me to share the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

“A friend doesn’t just have the right to tell me something, they should feel obligated to share hard truths,” they said, opening the door big and wide into a potentially difficult conversation.

I shared my perspective, cleared up some misconceptions, asked questions, and spoke the truth as clearly as possible. We thanked each other for the conversation, joked about how I’d probably write about the experience in a column, hugged, and departed.

I loved this moment.

While it may have been a little uncomfortable for both of us, it was also grounding for us as individuals and for our friendship overall.

Let’s face it: friendships aren’t just shared meals, text chains full of emojis, and consistently sharing relatable reels on social media. They’re built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and—sometimes—those dreaded “we need to talk” moments. As much as we all wish friendships could sidestep the discomfort of hard conversations, the reality is that when we truly care about someone, speaking up about difficult truths can be a profound act of love. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Why is it so hard to share tough truths with friends? Research by Dr. Jeffrey Hall, a communication professor and friendship expert, shows that fear of conflict, hurting someone’s feelings, or even facing rejection can make us hesitant to deliver challenging messages. These barriers are common, but they’re also the exact walls we need to climb if we’re serious about maintaining deep, genuine connections.

If you’re on the side that needs to deliver difficult information, tread thoughtfully.

Here are a few research-backed tips on making these conversations as gentle yet honest as possible:

1. Pause and Plan: Reflect on your motivations before diving in. Relationship experts suggest asking yourself: “Why do I feel compelled to share this? Is it truly for their benefit?” Avoid “tough love” if it’s rooted more in venting frustrations than helping.

2. Choose the Right Time: Timing can be everything. According to Dr. Erin Leonard, a psychotherapist specializing in conflict resolution, picking the right moment allows your friend to feel supported and grounded. Avoid moments when either of you might be overly stressed or distracted. Create a safe, neutral environment.

3. Lead with Empathy and Soft Language: Start by acknowledging the difficulty of the conversation and how much you value the friendship. Statements like “I’ve been struggling with how to bring this up because I care about you,” or “I know this might be hard to hear, but I’m saying this because I believe it matters,” can help soften the blow and show respect.

4. Stick to Facts, Not Judgments: Frame your concerns around specific actions or behaviors, not personality traits. Dr. Leonard recommends focusing on what you’ve observed rather than labeling or interpreting it: instead of “You’re irresponsible,” say, “I noticed you forgot your work deadline twice this month, and I’m worried it might be affecting your career.”

5. Be Ready to Listen, Too: When you’ve said what you need to say, make room for their response—even if it stings. A true friend should welcome the dialogue. They may need time to process or even disagree with you, but their response can often add depth to the relationship.

On the other hand, hearing uncomfortable truths about ourselves might be even harder than sharing them.

Our instinct is often to get defensive, explain ourselves, or dismiss the feedback. Embracing these moments as a chance for growth is where real resilience comes in.

Here are a few ways to do just that:

1. Listen Without Interrupting: It can be tough, but resist the urge to interject with justifications or denials. In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown talks about “rumbling with vulnerability”—taking a breath and letting someone else’s perspective settle before you react. This “pause” allows us to hear what’s being said without immediately filtering it through our own defenses.
2. Assume Positive Intent: Remind yourself that a real friend wouldn’t share this unless they believed it was important. Studies show that we often respond more calmly when we view the feedback as a product of care rather than critique. Try to interpret the feedback as their way of helping, not hurting.
3. Ask Questions, Not for Justification but for Clarity: If something’s unclear, calmly ask questions to gain a clearer picture. This helps clarify the message and keeps the conversation constructive. Questions like “Can you give me an example of when I did this?” or “How did my actions impact you?” can bring context without getting defensive.
4. Express Appreciation (Even if It’s Hard): A simple “Thank you for caring enough to bring this up” can transform the conversation. Not only does it help the friend sharing the hard truth feel valued, but it also signals your openness to growth. Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that expressing gratitude in tense conversations often strengthens bonds rather than weakening them.
5. Reflect and Decide What to Take Away: Not all feedback will feel fair or accurate, but if you reflect on it later with an open mind, you might find something useful. Sometimes feedback is exaggerated by emotion or based on one person’s unique experience, so take what resonates and leave the rest.

Ultimately, the ability to have these hard conversations and remain close friends afterward is a powerful indicator of the friendship’s depth. Dr. Hall’s research finds that friendships marked by frequent, open communication and vulnerability tend to last longer and be more fulfilling. 

When I look at the friendships I treasure most, they’re the ones where I’ve been on both sides of this equation.

It’s not always the friends that I see or talk to every day, but they care enough to call me out when I need it. I’ve also felt the pain of sharing something that was difficult to say.

So next time you’re in the position of telling or hearing tough stuff, remember that these moments are like the deep, grounding roots that hold a friendship steady through any storm. Embrace them as an opportunity to grow—and remind your friend that your bond is strong enough to hold both the easy and the hard truths.