Ah, the New Year—a season of glittering confetti, fresh planners, and lofty ambitions. For many, it’s a time to hit the reset button, vowing to become better versions of ourselves. As the clock strikes midnight, millions resolve to get healthier, save more, or finally read that stack of books collecting dust on the nightstand.

But let me share a not-so-secret secret: most New Year’s resolutions fizzle out faster than my one-year-old loses interest in peas.

Research from the University of Scranton suggests that only 9% of people actually stick to their resolutions long-term. Why? Because resolutions are often grand declarations made in the holiday afterglow, unaccompanied by a solid plan or sustainable habits.

A resolution is a decision to change. It’s aspirational and often focused on the outcome: “I want to lose 20 pounds” or “I’ll finally get organized.”

A habit, on the other hand, is a routine behavior repeated consistently over time. Habits focus on the process rather than the outcome, which is why they’re more effective. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, explains it this way: “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” In other words, success comes from small, consistent actions rather than sweeping declarations.

Instead of resolving to “get in shape,” for example, focus on one healthy habit: walking for 20 minutes each day. Instead of declaring, “I’ll stop procrastinating,” commit to working on a daunting task for just five minutes. Research shows that small, manageable changes are more likely to stick.

My own foray into habit-building recently included trying to drink more water—a challenge that, oddly enough, felt harder than managing my son’s kindergarten paperwork. Instead of telling myself to “drink more water” (a resolution), I started keeping a water bottle on my desk and sipping whenever I checked emails. That small shift? Game-changer.

When you’re ready to build new habits, start small. BJ Fogg, founder of Stanford’s Behavior Design Lab, emphasizes starting with “tiny habits.” Want to exercise regularly? Begin with one movement a day you weren’t doing before; stretching before bed, parking farther away from work so you can walk more, doing 5 jumping jacks shortly after you wake up. Over time, those tiny actions snowball into meaningful change.

It’s also more effective to pair a new habit with an existing one.

Known as “habit stacking,” this technique helps anchor new behaviors to established routines. For instance, if you want to journal more, try jotting down three things you’re grateful for right after brushing your teeth.

Plus, if you really want to establish a lifelong habit, it’s important to focus on creating a system rather than reaching a goal. If you want to read more, don’t aim to finish 50 books this year. Instead, create a habit of reading one page before bed each night. The system—regular reading—will lead to your goal naturally.

As always, remember to embrace the imperfections of life. Stuff happens. Kids get sick, work piles up, and the dog eats your to-do list. Missing a day doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Research by psychologist Wendy Wood shows that habits are built through repetition, not perfection.

While many habits revolve around personal achievement, don’t forget habits that nourish your relationships.

This year, I’m working on a habit of connection: setting aside 15 minutes of uninterrupted playtime with my kids each evening. (No phones, no multitasking—just pure focus.) My husband and I are also trying a weekly “check-in” where we chat about our goals, schedules, and, occasionally, who’s responsible for the socks perpetually under the couch.

As we step into 2025, I hope you’ll trade the pressure of lofty resolutions for the peace of steady habits. Remember, growth is less about overnight transformation and more about daily commitment.

So, what’s one small habit you can start today? Maybe it’s drinking a glass of water before your morning coffee or calling a loved one every Sunday. Whatever it is, let it be a gift to yourself—a gentle, enduring step toward the person you want to become.

Happy New Year, friends. Let’s make it a good one, one habit at a time.

Shame. It’s a small word, but it carries the weight of a wrecking ball. Unlike guilt, which says, I did something bad, shame whispers something far more sinister: I am bad. Left unchecked, shame can quietly sabotage our most precious relationships and leave us feeling trapped, isolated, and misunderstood, even around the holiday season.

As a mother of two and someone deeply immersed in the world of healthy relationships, I’ve seen how shame shows up in families, friendships, and romantic partnerships. It’s sneaky, often hiding in the shadows of perfectionism, defensiveness, or avoidance. But make no mistake: shame isn’t a passive passenger. It actively distorts how we view ourselves and how we connect with others.

Psychologist Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Shame differs from guilt in one key way: guilt focuses on behavior, while shame targets identity. It’s not “I made a mistake.” It’s “I am a mistake.”

It often starts early, rooted in our childhood experiences.

A critical parent, a humiliating moment at school, or even a well-intentioned but hurtful comment can plant the seeds. Over time, those seeds grow, shaping how we see ourselves and interact with others.

Unchecked shame doesn’t stay contained. It spills over, impacting how we love, argue, and show up in relationships. Studies show that it is closely linked to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression—all of which can erode connection and intimacy.

When we carry shame, we often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect ourselves.

For some, this looks like withdrawing emotionally, creating a wall to avoid vulnerability. For others, it manifests as perfectionism, trying to earn love and acceptance by being flawless.

One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who carry a high level of shame are more likely to engage in destructive relationship behaviors, such as criticism, blame, or avoidance. Why? Because shame convinces us that we’re unlovable, and we act out of fear of rejection.

The good news? Shame isn’t a life sentence.

With awareness and intentional effort, we can break free and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Name it to tame it.  

Brené Brown says shame thrives in secrecy. The first step to overcoming it is acknowledging it. Share your feelings with someone you trust—a friend, partner, therapist, or support group. Saying, “I feel ashamed about this,” robs shame of its power.

2. Challenge the narrative.

Ask yourself: Whose voice am I hearing when I feel this way? Often, shame stems from someone else’s expectations or criticisms, not our own truth. Replace those negative scripts with self-compassion.

3. Focus on connection.

Shame isolates, but vulnerability connects. Being open about your struggles can deepen relationships. For example, instead of lashing out when you feel insecure, try saying, “I’m feeling a little unsure right now. Can we talk about it?”

4. Seek professional help.

If shame feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can be transformative. Approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help people heal from deep-seated shame.

As a mom, I’ve thought a lot about the kind of emotional legacy I want to leave for my kids. I know they’ll make mistakes—just like I do. But I never want them to confuse their missteps with their worth. So, when my 5-year-old son spills his milk or struggles with a new task, I remind him: “It’s okay to make mistakes. You’re still learning, and I’m proud of you for trying.”

We all deserve that kind of grace, no matter our age.

Shame is a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to define us. By addressing it head-on, we can create relationships built on authenticity, empathy, and mutual respect. Imagine a world where we feel safe to say, “I messed up, but I’m still worthy of love.” That’s the kind of world I want for my kids—and for all of us.

So, let’s start today. Let’s name the shame, rewrite the story, and reclaim the connection we all deserve.

Your turn: What’s one small step you can take this week to silence shame’s voice? Whether it’s sharing your feelings with someone you trust or simply being kinder to yourself, remember: you’re worth it. Always.

A friend came to me recently seeking clarity and understanding on a topic that concerned them. They graciously asked me to share the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

“A friend doesn’t just have the right to tell me something, they should feel obligated to share hard truths,” they said, opening the door big and wide into a potentially difficult conversation.

I shared my perspective, cleared up some misconceptions, asked questions, and spoke the truth as clearly as possible. We thanked each other for the conversation, joked about how I’d probably write about the experience in a column, hugged, and departed.

I loved this moment.

While it may have been a little uncomfortable for both of us, it was also grounding for us as individuals and for our friendship overall.

Let’s face it: friendships aren’t just shared meals, text chains full of emojis, and consistently sharing relatable reels on social media. They’re built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and—sometimes—those dreaded “we need to talk” moments. As much as we all wish friendships could sidestep the discomfort of hard conversations, the reality is that when we truly care about someone, speaking up about difficult truths can be a profound act of love. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Why is it so hard to share tough truths with friends? Research by Dr. Jeffrey Hall, a communication professor and friendship expert, shows that fear of conflict, hurting someone’s feelings, or even facing rejection can make us hesitant to deliver challenging messages. These barriers are common, but they’re also the exact walls we need to climb if we’re serious about maintaining deep, genuine connections.

If you’re on the side that needs to deliver difficult information, tread thoughtfully.

Here are a few research-backed tips on making these conversations as gentle yet honest as possible:

1. Pause and Plan: Reflect on your motivations before diving in. Relationship experts suggest asking yourself: “Why do I feel compelled to share this? Is it truly for their benefit?” Avoid “tough love” if it’s rooted more in venting frustrations than helping.

2. Choose the Right Time: Timing can be everything. According to Dr. Erin Leonard, a psychotherapist specializing in conflict resolution, picking the right moment allows your friend to feel supported and grounded. Avoid moments when either of you might be overly stressed or distracted. Create a safe, neutral environment.

3. Lead with Empathy and Soft Language: Start by acknowledging the difficulty of the conversation and how much you value the friendship. Statements like “I’ve been struggling with how to bring this up because I care about you,” or “I know this might be hard to hear, but I’m saying this because I believe it matters,” can help soften the blow and show respect.

4. Stick to Facts, Not Judgments: Frame your concerns around specific actions or behaviors, not personality traits. Dr. Leonard recommends focusing on what you’ve observed rather than labeling or interpreting it: instead of “You’re irresponsible,” say, “I noticed you forgot your work deadline twice this month, and I’m worried it might be affecting your career.”

5. Be Ready to Listen, Too: When you’ve said what you need to say, make room for their response—even if it stings. A true friend should welcome the dialogue. They may need time to process or even disagree with you, but their response can often add depth to the relationship.

On the other hand, hearing uncomfortable truths about ourselves might be even harder than sharing them.

Our instinct is often to get defensive, explain ourselves, or dismiss the feedback. Embracing these moments as a chance for growth is where real resilience comes in.

Here are a few ways to do just that:

  1. Listen Without Interrupting: It can be tough, but resist the urge to interject with justifications or denials. In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown talks about “rumbling with vulnerability”—taking a breath and letting someone else’s perspective settle before you react. This “pause” allows us to hear what’s being said without immediately filtering it through our own defenses.
  2. Assume Positive Intent: Remind yourself that a real friend wouldn’t share this unless they believed it was important. Studies show that we often respond more calmly when we view the feedback as a product of care rather than critique. Try to interpret the feedback as their way of helping, not hurting.
  3. Ask Questions, Not for Justification but for Clarity: If something’s unclear, calmly ask questions to gain a clearer picture. This helps clarify the message and keeps the conversation constructive. Questions like “Can you give me an example of when I did this?” or “How did my actions impact you?” can bring context without getting defensive.
  4. Express Appreciation (Even if It’s Hard): A simple “Thank you for caring enough to bring this up” can transform the conversation. Not only does it help the friend sharing the hard truth feel valued, but it also signals your openness to growth. Research from the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that expressing gratitude in tense conversations often strengthens bonds rather than weakening them.
  5. Reflect and Decide What to Take Away: Not all feedback will feel fair or accurate, but if you reflect on it later with an open mind, you might find something useful. Sometimes feedback is exaggerated by emotion or based on one person’s unique experience, so take what resonates and leave the rest.

Ultimately, the ability to have these hard conversations and remain close friends afterward is a powerful indicator of the friendship’s depth. Dr. Hall’s research finds that friendships marked by frequent, open communication and vulnerability tend to last longer and be more fulfilling. 

When I look at the friendships I treasure most, they’re the ones where I’ve been on both sides of this equation.

It’s not always the friends that I see or talk to every day, but they care enough to call me out when I need it. I’ve also felt the pain of sharing something that was difficult to say.

So next time you’re in the position of telling or hearing tough stuff, remember that these moments are like the deep, grounding roots that hold a friendship steady through any storm. Embrace them as an opportunity to grow—and remind your friend that your bond is strong enough to hold both the easy and the hard truths.

As a mom of two little ones, I’m no stranger to a toddler meltdown over the wrong color of water cup or the clashing of the wills at bedtime. I’ve seen firsthand how even the smallest of disagreements can feel monumental. But what happens when these small disagreements turn into chronic family disputes?

A recent study completed by The University of Illinois called Topics of Conflict Across Family Subsystems shines some light on the most common arguments within families—and the consequences these arguments can have on family relationships.

It’s easy to think family arguments are all about the big stuff—money, house rules, and screen time. While those certainly make the list, the study highlights that the everyday squabbles—over things like chores, daily schedules, and even the dinner menu—top the charts.

Bedtime routines and sibling rivalry are major sources of contention in families with younger children. As kids get older, disagreements shift toward more autonomy-related issues like curfews and social media use.

In a nutshell, families fight over everything from the trivial to the significant, with no age group being immune.

Interestingly, the study also found that the intensity of these fights often correlates with the type of relationship involved. For instance, spousal arguments typically center on finances or parenting styles, while parent-teen conflicts are more likely to revolve around issues of independence and control.

It’s tempting to shrug off family arguments as just part of the territory, but the truth is, these conflicts have a lasting impact. Studies have shown that children who grow up in households with frequent, unresolved arguments are more likely to experience mental health challenges like anxiety and depression later in life. Constant exposure to negative communication patterns can also influence how children manage their own conflicts as adults, potentially leading to strained relationships in the future.

In my work with families, I often see that it’s not the topics themselves that cause the damage, but the way arguments unfold. Experts like Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, emphasize that how we argue is more important than what we argue about.

Gottman’s research suggests that criticism, defensiveness, and contempt are the real culprits that erode relationships, creating a cycle of negative interactions.

So, how can families fight better—or maybe even fight less?

The key is shifting from what Dr. Gottman calls “destructive conflict” to “constructive conflict.” This means replacing blaming or accusatory statements with softer language that fosters understanding. For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try framing it as “I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle all the chores alone.” This small change in tone can de-escalate tension and promote cooperation.

Additionally, setting clear expectations and boundaries can help reduce conflict, especially with children. Research suggests that families who communicate openly about expectations—whether it’s chores, schoolwork, or screen time—experience fewer arguments overall. Consistency is key. If everyone knows the rules ahead of time, there’s less room for resentment or confusion when issues arise.

Family arguments are inevitable.

After all, living in close quarters with people we love (but who can also get on our nerves) is bound to lead to friction. But that doesn’t mean we have to let these conflicts control the health and well-being of our relationships.

If we take anything away from the Topics of Conflict study, it’s this: being aware of what we fight about can give us clues on how to handle those fights better. From setting clear boundaries to fighting with kindness and humor, we have more tools than we realize to make our homes more peaceful, connected places. 

And let’s be honest, who couldn’t use a little less conflict in their lives? Especially when you’re trying to convince a one-year-old that dirt is not for eating.

From spending time with my two young children to working with parents who are trying their best to raise their families in a healthy way, I’m reminded daily how the environment we grow up in shapes our lives. It’s more than just the house we live in or the school our children attend—it’s the very fabric of their future well-being, both physically and emotionally. And one of the most significant factors in that fabric is poverty.

We often talk about poverty in terms of numbers and statistics—how many families live below the poverty line or the percentage of children on free or reduced lunch. But behind every statistic is a story of a family struggling to do their best amidst circumstances that can be relentless and unforgiving.

Living in poverty is not just a financial struggle; it’s an emotional one.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that financial stress is one of the leading causes of anxiety and depression in adults. This stress doesn’t just stay with the parents; it trickles down to the children. Chronic stress in children raised in low-income households can affect brain development and increase the likelihood of behavioral issues and poor academic performance.

The constant stress of scarcity—whether it’s worrying about paying the rent, having enough food, or affording medical care—creates a state of chronic anxiety. This stress disrupts the ability to nurture, connect, and provide stability, making it harder for parents to form healthy bonds with their children. 

The toll of poverty isn’t limited to parent-child relationships. It seeps into the relationships between partners as well.

Financial strain is a common predictor of marital discord. According to a study from the Journal of Family and Economic Issues, couples in lower-income brackets are more likely to experience conflict over finances, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and even increase the likelihood of separation or divorce. This fracturing of the family unit not only affects the partners but reverberates through the lives of the children, adding to their emotional and psychological burdens.

The heartbreaking reality is that poverty and relational health often form a vicious cycle.

Children raised in low-income households are more likely to face difficulties in forming stable relationships themselves. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family indicates that individuals who experience economic hardship in childhood are more prone to marital instability as adults. This creates a generational cycle where relational health and economic stability are intertwined in a complex web that’s hard to unravel.

The good news is that this cycle can be broken.

One of the most powerful tools we have is education—not just in terms of academics, but in teaching skills like emotional regulation, stress management, and effective communication. Programs, such as First Things First, that support families in these areas can lead to healthier relationships and, ultimately, a more stable home environment for children.

It’s easy to think of poverty as someone else’s problem. But when one family struggles, we all feel the ripple effects. Higher rates of poverty are linked to increased crime, lower school performance, and a heavier burden on public services—all of which affect the health of our community.  As a parent, I want nothing more than for my children to grow up in a world where they feel secure, loved, and supported. For too many families, poverty threatens to take that away. But by coming together as a community—whether through supporting local nonprofits, advocating for policy change, or simply extending a helping hand to a neighbor in need—we can support an environment where every child has the opportunity to thrive.

So, let’s keep the conversation going. Let’s talk about poverty not just as a statistic, but as a relational issue that impacts us all. And let’s commit to creating a community where every family has the chance to grow, flourish, and contribute to a brighter, healthier future for everyone.

I recently had the pleasure of diving into Seth Kaplan’s thought-provoking book, Fragile Neighborhoods, and it’s one of those reads that has stayed with me, simmering in my mind long after I turned the last page. Kaplan’s research paints a vivid picture of the state of our neighborhoods today—highlighting the fragility many of them face—and presents a compelling case for why strong, healthy families and relationships are the bedrock of thriving communities. As someone deeply invested in fostering strong family ties, I found his insights both alarming and motivating.

Kaplan argues that the health of our neighborhoods is intricately linked to the health of the families within them. He points out that neighborhoods where families are fractured, isolated, or struggling, are more likely to experience higher rates of crime, poverty, and social unrest. On the flip side, communities where families are strong, interconnected, and supported, tend to thrive. They have lower crime rates, better educational outcomes, and greater economic stability.

Research backs this up. Studies show that children who grow up in stable, two-parent households are more likely to succeed academically, economically, and socially.

They’re less likely to engage in criminal behavior or substance abuse, and they often go on to form healthy relationships themselves. It’s a ripple effect—when families thrive, so do communities.

But it’s not just about nuclear families. Kaplan emphasizes the importance of extended families, friends, and community networks. He cites research showing that children who have multiple adult figures in their lives—whether it’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, or close family friends—fare better in terms of emotional and social development. They’re more resilient in the face of challenges and have a stronger sense of identity and belonging.

Kaplan underscores a growing concern: the increasing fragmentation of communities across America.

Many neighborhoods today are facing what he describes as a “relationship crisis”—where social bonds are weakening, and people are becoming more isolated. This fragmentation can be seen in the rise of “marriage deserts”—areas with low rates of marriage and high rates of single-parent households—often in low-income communities. These neighborhoods are often marked by economic hardship, limited access to quality education and healthcare, and a lack of social cohesion.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Kaplan offers a hopeful message: that we have the power to reverse these trends. By prioritizing relationships and investing in family and community life, we can build stronger, more resilient neighborhoods.

So, what can we do? How can each of us play a part in strengthening our neighborhoods? Here are a few practical steps, inspired by Kaplan’s findings:

  1. Invest in your relationships. Start with your own family. Make time for meaningful conversations, shared activities, and traditions that build a sense of belonging and identity. Reach out to extended family members and intentionally foster those relationships. Remember, strong families are the building blocks of strong communities.
  2. Get involved locally. Join or support local organizations that are working to strengthen families and relationships. This could be anything from volunteering at a community center, mentoring a young person, or participating in neighborhood events. Your involvement helps build social cohesion and creates a support network for those who might need it.
  3. Support community spaces and programs. Advocate for and support local initiatives that provide safe, supportive spaces for families to gather and build relationships. This could be after-school programs, sports leagues, or neighborhood associations. These spaces are crucial for fostering social connections and building a sense of community.
  4. Be a connector. Don’t underestimate the power of a simple introduction. Whether it’s introducing a new neighbor to others on the block or connecting a friend with a local resource, small acts of connection can have a big impact on building social capital in our communities.
  5. Promote economic stability. Encourage and vote for local policies and initiatives that support job creation, fair wages, and affordable housing. Economic stability is a key factor in strengthening families and, by extension, neighborhoods. When families aren’t struggling to make ends meet, they have more time and energy to invest in relationships and community life.
  6. Encourage mentorship and support. Look for opportunities to mentor or support a child, teenager, or young parent in your community. Whether through a formal program or an informal relationship, providing guidance, support, and encouragement can make a big difference in someone’s life.

In Fragile Neighborhoods, Kaplan reminds us that strong communities don’t just happen—they’re built, one relationship at a time. It starts with us, in our own homes and neighborhoods. By investing in the people around us, we can create a ripple effect that strengthens our entire community.

I invite each of you to consider how you might contribute to this vital work. Whether it’s through your time, talents, or resources, there’s a role for everyone in building stronger, more resilient neighborhoods. Let’s come together, support one another, and create the kind of community where families—and all of us—can thrive.

Remember, it takes a village. And we are that village. Let’s make it a strong one.

I’ll never forget the first time I heard a couple say they wanted to get married and had intended to for twenty years, but they didn’t know how. They loved each other, had two children together, and lived in the same house for over two decades, but getting married felt out of reach for them financially and emotionally. No one in their family was married and the few people they knew who had made vows to each other wound up divorced.

Living in a family with no divorces and surrounded by happily married couples, I made a lot of false assumptions about why certain couples chose to live together and never marry, or why some people struggle with commitment. It wasn’t until I began working at First Things First and dove into the diversity of families, values, and cultures in our own community that I truly understood the difficulty and bias that exists.

In recent years, the concept of “marriage deserts” has emerged as a significant social issue in America.

A marriage desert is an area, often defined by socioeconomic and geographic lines, where marriage rates are significantly lower than the national average. These regions are characterized by a scarcity of married couples and a high prevalence of single-parent households.

The occurrence is not just a matter of personal choice but is influenced by a range of economic and social factors, such as:

  1. Economic Instability: Financial insecurity is a major barrier to marriage. Research shows that stable employment and economic prospects are strong predictors of marriage. In areas with high unemployment rates and low wages, individuals may feel they cannot afford to get married.
  2. Educational Disparities: Higher education levels are correlated with higher marriage rates. In communities where educational attainment is low, marriage rates tend to be lower as well. Educational disparities contribute to economic challenges, creating a cycle that perpetuates low marriage rates.
  3. Cultural Shifts: Societal attitudes toward marriage have evolved, with many viewing it as less essential for personal fulfillment. In some communities, particularly those facing economic hardships, marriage may be seen as an unattainable goal rather than a desired norm.
  4. Social Networks and Community Support: Strong social networks and community support play crucial roles in fostering and sustaining marriages. In marriage deserts, the absence of these support systems makes it harder for couples to form and maintain marriages.

Marriage deserts can have serious implications for individuals, children, and communities.

Research consistently shows that children raised in two-parent households have better educational, emotional, and economic outcomes. Plus, married individuals often experience better physical and mental health, greater financial stability, and stronger social support networks.

Addressing the issue of marriage deserts requires a multifaceted approach. The first step is understanding what marriage deserts are, why they exist, and why they matter for the community at large. False assumptions and misunderstandings about marriage and individuals who may or may not choose to pursue marriage must be put aside. By addressing the root causes of marriage deserts and promoting policies and programs that support marriage, we can create healthier, more stable communities. It’s crucial to remember that strengthening families strengthens society as a whole.

Of course, simply promoting marriage without providing the tools, skills, and resources to support and strengthen the relationship would be putting a band-aid on a bigger issue, especially in areas where marriage hasn’t been the norm for several generations.

Providing a remedy requires a community willing to pour into others and strong families willing to mentor and support those who are creating positive generational change in their families.

Doing so is not just about promoting marriage but about creating intentional environments where families can thrive and contribute to the well-being of our communities.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can contribute to the well-being of families in our community, go to firstthings.org/advocate.

I look like my Mom. If you saw us together, there’d be no denying we’re related. On the other hand, I act a LOT like my Dad. My feet (and mouth) often move faster than my brain, and I tend to talk a little too much in social settings. My guess is, if you know your family, you also know who you look like and who you favor in personality as well. The big question is, what do we inherit from our family members?

As the CEO of a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening families, I’ve seen firsthand how the threads of a person’s familial traits and decisions weave into the fabric of their present and future. This phenomenon, known as the multigenerational transmission process, highlights how behaviors, patterns, and emotional responses are passed down from one generation to the next. Understanding this process is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and creating positive change in our families.

The multigenerational transmission process is a concept adopted from the family systems theory. This theory was created by American psychiatrist and academic Murray Bowen in the 1950s. In short, the theory suggests we inherit more than just physical traits from our ancestors and family members. Our emotional responses, coping mechanisms, and relationship patterns are also influenced by previous generations. This process occurs through direct interactions with family members and through the subtle, often unspoken, transmission of beliefs and behaviors.

For example, if a parent struggles with expressing emotions, their children might learn to suppress their feelings. This can lead to similar patterns of emotional suppression in future generations, creating a cycle that is difficult to break.

Understanding the multigenerational transmission process can help us identify patterns that may be affecting our current relationships. By recognizing these patterns, we can take steps to address them and create healthier dynamics within our families.

Here are a few ways this process may be impacting you and your relationships:

  • Emotional Patterns: If previous generations experienced trauma or emotional neglect, these experiences can shape how current family members handle emotions. Recognizing these patterns and choosing to make a change allows us to develop healthier emotional responses and improve our communication skills.
  • Behavioral Patterns: Behaviors such as addiction, violence, or financial mismanagement can be passed down through generations. Understanding the root causes of these behaviors can help us identify what we need to work on in ourselves in order to break the cycle and create positive change.
  • Belief Systems: Our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world are often inherited from our families. By examining these beliefs, we can challenge those that create fear and anxiety and limit us from our fullest potential.

While the multigenerational transmission process can perpetuate negative patterns, it also offers an opportunity for positive change.

Here are some steps we can take to break the cycle and create healthier family dynamics:

  1. Practice self-awareness. The first step in breaking the cycle is becoming aware of the patterns that exist within our families. Reflect on your family history and consider how it has shaped your behaviors and beliefs.
  2. Use open communication within your family. Create a safe space for family members to express their feelings and share their experiences.
  3. Seek support to hold you accountable and provide guidance. Professional counseling or therapy can provide valuable insights and strategies for addressing multigenerational patterns. Support groups, churches and faith communities, and educational programs can also offer encouragement.
  4. Model healthy behaviors for the next generation. As parents and caregivers, we have the power to model healthy behaviors for our children. Demonstrate positive coping mechanisms, effective communication, and emotional regulation.

By understanding and addressing the multigenerational transmission process, we can break free from negative patterns passed down from previous generations and create a legacy of stability, resilience, and connection for those to come after us. It’s a powerful reminder that our actions today have the potential to shape the well-being of our children, grandchildren, and beyond.

Let’s embrace the power of connection and the gift of healing, knowing that the love and strength cultivated today will resonate for generations to come.