Tag Archive for: Communication

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Why Gen Z is Saying “No” to Romance and What it Means for Us All

My son had his sixth birthday recently. He came home from school with a dozen notes and cards in his backpack, all of which were covered in hearts, glitter and the endearing best wishes of his closest female classmates.  

While I would say this slightly concerned me, I also know that this behavior is pretty normal in kindergarten. Children at this age often imitate what they see at home or in the media. They also develop a sense of feelings towards others, although child development professionals clarify these feelings are much more about companionship and friendship than romance.

In the middle of processing this, I stumbled across several recent surveys that shocked me. According to Pew Research Center, approximately 56% of Gen Z individuals (ages 18-29) reported being single, significantly more than previous generations at their age. An American Perspectives Survey found similar results:

Gen Z is the least likely of all current generations to seek or form romantic partnerships. 

After reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder if Gen Z students shared sweet little “love notes” in kindergarten. Did something change? What keeps them from seeking companionship and connection?

Experts suggest several possibilities. Dr. Jean Twenge, psychologist and author of “iGen,” points to the increased reliance on smartphones and social media, making face-to-face interactions daunting or even unnecessary for many. Digital interaction offers a safer, controlled environment, shielding young adults from the vulnerability inherent in traditional romance.

Economics plays a significant role, too.

Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and Chief Scientific Advisor at Match.com, highlights financial instability as a deterrent. Faced with student debt and uncertain job markets, Gen Z individuals prioritize financial and personal stability before venturing into relationships. Fisher calls this the “slow love” trend, where careful planning precedes commitment.

There’s also a shifting cultural landscape. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University, notes that Gen Z has grown up with heightened awareness around emotional health, consent, and individual identity. Young adults today are more inclined to invest energy in personal growth, mental health, and friendships before adding romance to the equation.

But what does this mean for the future?

While some view this as merely delayed milestones, others worry about long-term effects. Fewer relationships could result in lower marriage and birth rates, already concerns in countries facing population decline. Moreover, researchers like Eli Finkel from Northwestern University caution that prolonged loneliness and isolation might exacerbate mental health challenges already prevalent among Gen Z.

Yet, there’s hope. Experts stress adaptability and encourage intergenerational conversations.

Solomon suggests families and communities proactively teach relationship skills, emotional intelligence, and resilience. Offering safe spaces for honest dialogue about romance and relationships might empower young adults to navigate intimacy confidently and healthily.

As a parent and advocate for healthy relationships, I’m hopeful. Yes, romance might look different in the digital age, but our fundamental human need for connection and love remains unchanged. Perhaps Gen Z’s cautious, thoughtful approach will yield stronger, more intentional relationships—relationships built on solid emotional foundations. 

So, rather than despair, let’s commit to supporting the next generation in defining what healthy, committed romantic relationships look like and understanding why they matter. Maybe the future of “romance” can transition away from the fatigue of swiping left or right and move towards pausing, reflecting, and ultimately, choosing wisely.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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When a Parent Goes to Prison: The Unseen Sentence on Children

Last week, I had lunch with my five-year-old son and his kindergarten class.

I try to eat lunch with him at least once a month, so all of his classmates know me fairly well.

One extra talkative student planted themselves next to me and proceeded to tell me all about how one of their parents was recently taken to prison, but they didn’t do anything wrong, they really want them to come home, and they love them with all their heart.

I’ve carried this conversation with me ever since.

Through our work at First Things First, we often deal with parents being incarcerated or losing custody of their children, but we very rarely interact with the children and hear their side of the story.

What happens when a child’s foundation is suddenly fractured? What happens when a child’s parent disappears behind bars?

The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world, with over 1.2 million people behind bars.

More than five million children—about 1 in 14—have had a parent incarcerated at some point in their lives, according to research from Child Trends. And the effects on these children? Well, they’re staggering.

Losing a parent to prison isn’t just an absence—it’s an upheaval.

Studies from the last decade show that children with an incarcerated parent are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. Unlike other forms of parental separation, incarceration carries stigma and shame, making it harder for children to express their grief.

Dr. Kristin Turney, a sociologist at the University of California, Irvine, has studied the developmental effects of parental incarceration extensively. She found that children in this situation experience greater emotional distress than those who lose a parent to divorce or even death. Why? Because incarceration is unpredictable. The child doesn’t just lose a parent—they gain a confusing tangle of uncertainty, social stigma, and economic hardship.

Data from the National Survey of Children’s Health shows that children of incarcerated parents are more likely to struggle in school, have behavioral problems, and even face increased risks of chronic health issues. The toxic stress caused by parental incarceration—when prolonged and unbuffered by strong, stable relationships—literally alters brain development, making it harder for children to regulate emotions and concentrate.

And then there’s the financial toll.

Many incarcerated parents were primary providers, and when they’re gone, families often spiral into deeper poverty. Fewer resources mean higher stress at home, less parental supervision, and a higher likelihood that the cycle of incarceration will repeat.

So, what can we do?

Experts emphasize that children need stability, connection, and open conversations to mitigate the damage.

1. Regular Contact Matters

    Research by the Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services suggests that maintaining strong parent-child bonds—even through prison visitation—can reduce the emotional harm of separation. Children who maintain contact with their incarcerated parent often fare better emotionally and behaviorally.

    2. Honest, Age-Appropriate Conversations

    Psychologists recommend avoiding secrecy. Instead of saying, “Daddy is away on a trip,” it’s better to explain in simple, truthful terms that he made a mistake, is facing consequences, but still loves them.

    3. Community Support Is Key

    Programs like Sesame Street’s “Little Children, Big Challenges” provide books, videos, and tools to help kids process their feelings. Mentorship programs, like those from one of our partner organizations, Big Brothers Big Sisters, also offer children a steady adult presence when a parent is absent.

    Parental incarceration is not just a criminal justice issue—it’s a childhood development issue, a public health issue, and a societal issue. While we can’t rewrite the past, we can build better support systems for these children so they don’t have to serve a silent sentence alongside their parents.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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    Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Clearing Out Resentment, Guilt and Unspoken Expectations

    There’s something about spring that invites us to shed what’s stale and breathe fresh air into our homes.

    And believe it or not… spring will be here this month!

    It’s the season to dust off forgotten corners, donate what no longer serves us, and stand back to admire the crispness of a clean slate. But what if we treated our relationships the same way? What if we took this season of renewal as a cue to clear out the resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations that can quietly clutter our marriages and parenting?

    Just as a home full of junk can feel stifling, relationships burdened with emotional debris can limit our joy and connection.

    And research agrees. A 2015 study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations are significant predictors of marital dissatisfaction. Similarly, parenting experts warn that lingering guilt and unspoken assumptions can create friction with our kids.

    Dusting Out Resentment in Marriage

    Resentment often starts as a small speck—an eye roll when your partner forgets, yet again, to take out the trash. But left unaddressed, it can accumulate into a layer of grime that blurs your view of each other. According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher, the antidote to resentment is open communication. “Small things often,” he says, emphasizing that regular, honest conversations can prevent small irritations from growing into deep divides.

    To begin, set aside time to talk without distractions. Start sentences with “I feel” rather than “You always,” which keeps the conversation focused on your experience instead of sounding accusatory. And, yes, it’s uncomfortable at first—kind of like pulling the couch away from the wall and finding a collection of dusty mysteries. But the relief of a clean, honest space is worth it.

    Sweeping Away Parenting Guilt

    If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilty as a parent, I’d have enough for a luxurious kid-free weekend getaway—and probably still feel guilty about going. Parenting guilt is a universal experience, but carrying it unchecked is like dragging a mop through muddy water: it only spreads the mess.

    Parenting expert Dr. Tina Payne Bryson advises acknowledging guilt as a sign of care but not letting it dictate our actions.

    “Guilt can be a helpful signal, but it becomes unhealthy when it turns into shame or when it keeps us from being present with our children,” she explains. Instead of dwelling on where you think you’re falling short, focus on small, intentional moments of connection with your kids—whether it’s reading one more story at bedtime or sharing a silly dance in the kitchen.

    Scrubbing Out Unspoken Expectations

    Expectations are tricky. We all have them, but when left unspoken, they can become invisible tripping hazards. Whether it’s expecting your spouse to know you need a break or hoping your child will behave perfectly at the grocery store, unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment and friction.

    Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes the importance of “clear is kind.” She encourages us to be explicit about what we need and to ask our loved ones to do the same. When my five-year-old started kindergarten, I realized I had an unspoken expectation that he’d adjust easily. When he didn’t, I felt frustrated—not at him, but at the gap between my expectation and reality. Voicing this allowed me to shift my approach, offering him more support and patience as he navigated the transition.

    Embracing the Fresh Air

    The beauty of spring cleaning—whether in your home or your heart—isn’t in achieving perfection but in creating space for what matters most. When we clear out resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations, we make room for grace, laughter, and love. We let in the fresh air of connection and breathe a little easier in our most important relationships.

    So, as you sweep out the dust bunnies and fold fresh linens, take a moment to dust off your relationships too. It may take time, but the reward is a home—and a heart—where love can flourish.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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    The Number One Phrase Used in Successful Relationships

    How often do you say “thank you” to your spouse or significant other? 

    If this question makes you feel uncomfortable, guilty, or maybe even ask the counter-question, “For what!?,” you’re not alone.

    A recent 50-year study completed by The Gottman Institute found that the single most important phrase couples can use in their relationship is “thank you.” After observing 40,000 couples during therapy sessions, Drs. John and Julie Gottman found relationships with an “enthusiastic culture of appreciation” were more likely to be successful for a lifetime than those who don’t regularly practice gratitude.

    Think back through your last couple of days or weeks. How often did you say “thank you” to a total stranger? Of course, you thanked the person who held the door open for you or the waiter who refilled your glass. Do you feel the same urgency to say “thank you” to your partner? Do you express your gratitude when they empty the dishwasher, finish the laundry, or listen while you vent about your day?

    In full transparency, after completing this simple exercise, I realized I don’t say “thank you” to my husband as often as I should. It’s not that I’m not grateful for him. Life is just busy. There are a million things on my plate, and I don’t pause long enough to show him how appreciative I am.

    The Gottmans’ study also revealed that couples who have been together for an extended period (typically two years or longer) can often develop a culture of “only noticing the things their partner is doing wrong rather than what they’re doing right.” 

    For example, if your spouse was home all day but didn’t fold the massive mountain of clean clothes on the dining room table, you may come home and tell them how frustrated you feel. You might automatically assume they were lazy or even left the clothes for you to tackle. But, if you come home to a nicely stacked pile of laundry, you may say nothing. You’re just relieved there’s one less thing on your plate. 

    To shift this mindset and create a positive cycle of appreciation in your relationship, the Gottmans suggest giving four things a try:

    1. Practice noticing the positive. Watch your partner and note the positive things they do. 
    2. Say “thank you.” Tell them every time you notice something that makes you feel grateful.
    3. Focus on the present. When you shift your mindset toward the positive, you’ll also have to practice letting go of the past. Don’t let previous actions cloud your desire to build something different in your relationship.
    4. Remember, this isn’t about changing your partner. Creating a cycle of appreciation begins with changing your mental habits, not changing your partner. If your partner isn’t immediately on board, stay positive and express that gratitude. Watch how contagious gratitude can be.

    As you think about this information and how to apply it to your relationship, remember that creating new cycles and building new thought patterns doesn’t come easy. In fact, it can be quite challenging. First Things First is always here to support you. We have resources on our website and provide one-on-one relationship coaching if needed! Find out more about this service at FirstThings.org/coaching.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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    Is Your Relationship Stuck in the Negative Override Sentiment?

    Have you ever felt like everything you say or do rubs your partner the wrong way?

    Here’s an example: You say, “We should go out to eat tonight and find some really good pasta.” Your significant other responds, “Right, because the pasta I cook for you at home is never good enough.” You’re left wondering what happened and where their defensive attitude came from.

    Or perhaps you’re the one who feels consistently cut down by your spouse.

    You try time and time again to connect with them, please them, and build intimacy. Still, you feel your efforts are met with a lack of desire, understanding, and appreciation. Overall, you feel alone and misunderstood.

    If either of these examples resonates with you, your relationship could be stuck in the Negative Override Sentiment.

    According to University of Oregon professor emeritus and psychologist Robert Weiss, all couples develop sentiment overrides and use them regularly during interactions. 

    “In essence, the residual emotions from every interaction (words, gestures, facial expression, or body language) accumulate over time, becoming a new dimension of the relationship that derails the objectivity of current interactions,” says Weiss. “One or both partners silently harbor the emotions of feeling unimportant, unwanted, or uncared for and now perceive everything said with a negative filter.”

    For many significant others, this negative attitude or filter can come as a shock because they don’t recall doing or saying anything to warrant their partner’s underlying disdain for them. 

    However, the Negative Override Sentiment was built every time you were late, and your partner was eagerly waiting for you. It grew in your partner when you, perhaps unintentionally but frequently ignored communication or interests that were important to them. Negative Override Sentiment may have smoldered in your partner because you simply didn’t show appreciation for a meal they cooked, an errand they ran, or a large task they completed.

    Dr. John Gottman and his team at the Gottman Research Institute recently followed 96 couples to better understand the Negative Override Sentiment. Their study found an antidote they named the Positive Override Sentiment. Here’s how it works: 

    • One partner makes a statement such as, “We should go on vacation. We haven’t been anywhere together in quite a while.” 
    • The significant other may use the Negative Sentiment Override and respond with something like, “Well, what do you want me to do? Quit my job so we can spend more time together? I never have enough time to give you.” 
    • The other partner may have shut down or become defensive in the past. But, this is an opportunity to nip the negativity in the bud and create a new environment for the relationship by using a Positive Sentiment Override response such as: “I miss our vacations. You’re really fun to hang out with. Do you remember that one time at the beach when we (insert positive memory here).”

    The goal of using the Positive Sentiment Override antidote is to re-establish hope in the relationship, remember moments when both partners felt more positive toward each other, and establish the opportunity to create positive interactions again. 

    What if both people in the relationship are stuck in the Negative Sentiment Override? Research shows that it only takes one partner to change the usual rhythm of the relationship. As with any new dance, it may feel a little awkward and uncomfortable at times, but with a bit of practice and persistence, you can kick the Negative Override Sentiment to the curb and build a stronger connection over time.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

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    The Truth Behind “I Don’t Need Help”

    If you’re a parent, you’ve more than likely experienced a toddler’s extreme desire for independence.

    From age two to four, many children are determined to “do it myself.” 

    But, have you ever experienced an adult who doesn’t “need help?” They’re so determined to do everything on their own they refuse to delegate, ask others for assistance or set boundaries.

    Or are you the one who doesn’t “need help?” Do you pride yourself on your ability to do everything independently and shy away from situations that feel remotely interdependent or out of your control?

    I am currently nine months pregnant. I’m uncomfortable, slow, and my brain capacity is lower than I care to admit. I recently met with a fellow non-profit leader and a leadership team member. I stood up to throw my water cup away and heard:

    “Lauren, I can take that to the trash. Don’t worry about it!” 

    “Lauren, I could’ve taken your cup with mine!” 

    “Lauren, seriously, you don’t have to do that…” 

    I ignored these advances and did it myself. No big deal. Then I heard my leadership team member say, “Lauren does everything by herself. Even at 9 months pregnant. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

    We laughed. We moved on. But that statement stuck with me. Is it true? Am I too independent? How does independence develop in us over time? What happens when people are too independent in relationships? How often do I say, “I don’t need help?”

    “As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect with others in a meaningful way,” says Jodi Clarke, a Licensed Professional Counselor.

    Clarke says those with an extraordinary sense of independence may find it difficult to achieve emotional intimacy in romantic relationships.

    In a work or school environment, these individuals may struggle to work on a team, collaborate well or share projects with others.

    What makes some individuals need more independence than others? According to Dr. Amy Marschall, a Clinical Psychologist, extreme independence or hyper-independence can be a trauma response. Although, not everyone who experiences trauma will have the same response. Some people have the opposite reaction by believing they are incapable of independence.  

    Trauma can refer to an event or series of events that occurred to a person, such as a car accident, death, or abuse. Trauma can also refer to mounting emotional and relational experiences over time, typically from childhood and/or adolescence.

    Examples of trauma that can lead to hyper-independence include:

    • Being consistently told that it’s weak or unacceptable to receive help from others.
    • Experiencing neglect in a physical, mental, emotional, or relational sense.
    • Feeling unsafe or distrusting in a relationship with a caregiver and unable to trust those in authority fully.
    • Experiencing high uncertainty and unstableness leads to seeking control in every situation and aspect of life.

    In other words, highly independent people have developed a need for self-preservation and control out of a necessity to survive. They haven’t had the opportunity to learn how to trust anyone other than themselves and build healthy, interdependent relationship skills and habits. 

    After some reflection, I don’t think I’m hyper-independent. Still, I have some very independent tendencies in my relationships and roles in life.

    To ensure I’m not creating an unhealthy bubble of self-dependence and pushing away those I love and care for, I’ve decided to stay aware and open by focusing on these five steps:

    1. Let go of perfectionism. Allow others to do things the way they do them.
    2. Accept there is a lack of control in every situation.
    3. Assess the cost of not asking for or accepting help from others.
    4. Normalize asking for help and avoid seeing it as a sign of weakness.
    5. Learn the art of delegation.

    If you’re questioning your level of independence in relationships and relational environments, I encourage you to dig deeper: 

    1. Assess your desire for independence. 
    2. Ask yourself questions. Where did my independence come from? How extreme is it?
    3. Focus on the five steps above. 

    Your relationships, family, and co-workers will thank you in the end.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

    Photo by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash

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    How “Phubbing” Can Increase Problems In Your Relationship

    We are all guilty of phubbing whether we’re aware of it or not.

    Answered a text during family dinner? You phubbed. Checked your notifications during a meeting your colleague was leading? Phubbed again. Decided to scroll through social media during your downtime instead of calling your close friend or family member? Major phub.

    Phubbing is the act of ignoring your companions or relationships to give attention to your phone or device. In other words, you are snubbing others for your phone. 

    While many parents complain of feeling snubbed by their teens for technology, it’s clear adults are also struggling with the distracting screens.

    Researchers now have a clear picture of how phubbing impacts adult relationships. A recent tech report released by the Institute for Family Studies found that 1 in 7 parents of teens (15%) use their phones or other digital devices “almost constantly” during conversations, meals, or family events. Also, using a sample of 145 adults, researchers James Roberts and Meredith David found that regular phubbing between romantic partners leads to relationship dissatisfaction.

    A new report from the Wheatley Institute surveyed 2,000 married couples. It found that 37% of married Americans (roughly one-third) feel their spouse is often focused on a device in place of having a conversation or spending time together. Interestingly enough, this statistic varies greatly between socioeconomic status. Phubbing is worse among lower-income couples, with 44% reporting their spouse is distracted by their phone compared to only 31% of higher-income couples.

    It makes sense that phone usage would create frustration in a marriage, but this study reveals even more.

    Couples who experience excessive phone use are less happy about their marriage than others.

    Only about 6 in 10 married adults whose spouse is often on the phone (59%) say they are “very happy” with their marriage, compared with 81% of those who don’t struggle with this issue. More so, 1 in 5 married adults (21%) with a spouse who overuses a phone say they are not happy with their marriage, compared with only 8% of couples who do not report the phone as an issue.

    Of course, the question has to be asked: Is phubbing the real issue?

    Or are there other factors in the marriage that increase the phubbing behavior? According to the Wheatley report, infrequent sex and fewer date nights may be contributing to lower marital satisfaction among couples who have a phone problem. Fewer than half of these couples (44%) have sex at least once a week, and about 1 in 5 of these couples (23%) report that either they haven’t had sex at all in the past 12 months (11%) or only once or twice (12%).

    In contrast, couples with greater control over their phones are more likely to report more frequent sex and date nights.

    Smartphones get a lot of blame for relationship and mental health issues. There’s no doubt that correlations exist between relationship dissatisfaction, loneliness, anxiety, and smartphone usage. But smartphones themselves aren’t the real issue–phubbing is. Whether couples find themselves using their devices to avoid spending time together or they slowly slide into prioritizing their phones over each other, phubbing is a choice. It’s something to be aware of and practice against for the health of ourselves and our relationships.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

    Photo by Kev Costello on Unsplash

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    Friendships: Quality Over Quantity

    I introduced my 4-year-old son to the Broadway musical “Wicked” last week. Shameless plug, it’s one of my all-time favorite soundtracks.

    As the cheeky but pointed song “Popular” blared through the speakers, he asked, “Mom, what does that word mean – popular? Is it important to be popular?”

    Good question, kid. Here’s what I found.

    Research from the last two decades reveals that Americans prefer a few close, intimate relationships over many superficial ones.

    Even in the era of social media influencers who gain popularity through hundreds of thousands of followers, we innately know these numbers do not provide the connection we seek.

    A review, or meta-analysis, of 38 studies released by the research group Frontiers in Psychology found that having a few high-quality adult friendships can significantly predict well-being and protect against mental health issues such as anxiety and depression for a lifetime.

    On the flip side, people with a large amount of low-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely

    This is a risk factor greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day, according to the Public Library of Science Medical Journal.

    So, how can you tell if a relationship (romantic or platonic) is of quality or not? Ask yourself these questions:

    • Can I be honest and vulnerable with this person, and are they always open and honest with me?
    • Do I value this person for who they are rather than just for what they do?
    • Can I rely on this person?
    • Do we communicate openly, regularly, and respectfully with one another?
    • Do they encourage me to grow as a person and make good decisions?

    While low-quality friendships may decrease your potential long-term health benefits, daily interactions with familiar faces or acquaintances can bolster your confidence, provide stability, and increase “feel good” chemicals in your brain. 

    Small connections with strangers—a barista, clerk, co-worker, or neighbor—can be surprisingly sustaining.

    Dr. Gillian Sandstrom conducted research that found people who have more superficial interactions regularly are happier than those who have fewer. Also, people tend to be happier on days when they have more than their average number of simple interactions.

    In short, research confirms popularity isn’t the goal. It’s more beneficial to build relational depth with a few close people.

    But being friendly and interacting with strangers can boost your mood in the short term. As 20th-century artist Pablo Picasso once said, “When you are young and without success, you have a few good friends. Then, later on, when you are rich and famous, you still have a few… if you are lucky.”

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

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