Tag Archive for: Communication

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The Surprising Subject That’s Missing from Our Kids’ Lives

The other night, my six-year-old son asked, “Can something be true for one person but not for another?” And just like that, between spaghetti and bedtime, we stumbled into philosophy.

I know—it sounds like something best left to college kids with thick glasses and lots of coffee. But recent research says otherwise. In fact, teaching philosophy to kids might be one of the best ways to help them think more clearly, speak more confidently, and understand the world around them. Even better? It doesn’t require fancy lessons or textbooks. Just a little curiosity and a lot of listening.

Philosophy is all about asking big questions and thinking deeply about them. Questions like: What’s right and wrong?, What makes something real?, Why do we do what we do?

It’s not about having the right answers. It’s about learning to ask smart questions, listen to others, and explain your thinking.

And yes, even young kids can do this. They already do—every time they ask “Why?” five times in a row.

According to a recent article from OK Diario, philosophy is one of the best subjects for sharpening kids’ minds. In places where it’s taught, students do better in reading, writing, and math. But here in the U.S., it’s hardly ever part of the school day.

Why? A few reasons. Schools focus so much on testing that there’s little time for open-ended thinking. And some adults assume kids aren’t ready for deep ideas—but the research suggests that’s just not true. Research shows children who study philosophy become better thinkers, kinder classmates, and more confident speakers.

So if it’s so helpful, how can we bring it back?

You don’t need a degree in ancient thinkers to get started. Philosophy can happen anywhere—on the way to school, at dinner, or during storytime. The key is to welcome questions and let your child do the thinking.

When your child asks a big question—like “What happens when we die?” or “Why do some people lie?”—try this:

  • Ask what they think. Instead of giving an answer, say, “That’s a great question. What do you think?”
  • Listen. Let them talk without jumping in right away. Sometimes just saying things out loud helps kids understand their own thoughts.
  • Wonder with them. You can say, “Hmm, I’m not sure either. Let’s think about it together.”

Even toddlers can join in. My daughter, who’s almost two, recently said, “Moon sad.” I didn’t correct her—I asked, “Why do you think the moon is sad?” Her answer? “It’s alone.” Philosophical gold. 

In a world full of quick opinions and loud arguments, kids who can think deeply and speak kindly have a big advantage. Philosophy helps them pause, reflect, and connect with others. It doesn’t just build brains—it builds better people.

So next time your child asks a big question—or even a weird one—lean in. You might just find yourself in the middle of a thoughtful, funny, meaningful conversation. And that’s something no app or worksheet can teach.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Do Similarities Attract in Romantic Relationships?

Some say opposites attract. Others argue that similarity is the glue. So which is it?

Turns out, science is siding with the “birds of a feather” crowd. A massive meta-analysis of 313 studies found that both actual and perceived similarity increase attraction between people. Perceived similarity (thinking we’re alike) helps in early dating, but actual similarity (being alike) becomes more important as time goes on.

And it’s not just attraction.

Research consistently shows that couples who share values—like faith, family priorities, financial goals, or life purpose—experience more satisfaction and fewer conflicts.

That alignment creates a sense of shared direction, which is especially grounding during life’s bigger storms (like teething toddlers or unexpected job changes).

It’s not just values. Similarity in personality traits also plays a meaningful role. Couples who are on the same wavelength when it comes to traits like openness, agreeableness, and emotional stability tend to report greater relationship quality.

Let me break that down practically: If you’re someone who craves structure and calm, and your partner thrives in chaos and impulse, you might find yourselves out of sync when life gets stressful. On the other hand, if you both tend to process stress similarly—whether that’s with humor, reflection, or a shared bowl of mint chip ice cream—you’re more likely to feel supported, understood, and, frankly, less annoyed at each other when things go sideways.

Another factor in the “does similarity matter” equation is how well you read and respond to each other’s emotions. Empathic accuracy—that ability to understand what your partner is feeling and needing—has been linked to healthier day-to-day interactions, especially after disagreements.

This doesn’t mean you need to be carbon copies emotionally. But having a shared emotional rhythm, or at least mutual respect for each other’s rhythms, can help couples de-escalate conflict, reconnect faster, and reduce emotional exhaustion.

In the “Hall house” with two little kids and two big careers, this kind of harmony isn’t just helpful—it’s holy.

Now, being similar doesn’t mean you have to enjoy all the same hobbies or finish each other’s sentences (although that can be cute). Research on what psychologists call the Michelangelo phenomenon reveals that the best relationships help us become better versions of ourselves. That happens when your partner supports your dreams and growth, even if they’re different from theirs.

So, it’s not always about matching interests—it’s about matching investments. It’s about being co-architects of the life you want to build together.

But let’s be honest—differences can be exciting. They keep things interesting and offer opportunities to learn from each other. (I married someone who loves to dream and vision, while I can organize a closet like it’s going on the cover of a magazine.) Research shows that differences might fuel the initial spark, but similarity often sustains the fire.

In other words, being wildly different can make dating thrilling—but being meaningfully similar makes a long-term partnership more sustainable.

I wouldn’t be where I am today—leading a mission-driven organization and parenting two little ones with a decent amount of joy and humor—without a partner who shares my foundational values. We approach conflict in similar ways, believe in the same bigger purpose, and know how to support each other without trying to change who the other person is.

Sure, we’re different in a million tiny ways. (Let’s just say one of us considers “on time” to mean five minutes early and the other thinks it means still finding their shoes.) But when it comes to how we see the world, raise our kids, and handle life’s curveballs, we’re solid. And that’s what counts.

So, does it matter if you’re similar? Yes—especially when it comes to your values, emotional style, and willingness to grow together. Similarity won’t solve every problem, but it gives you a shared language and rhythm for tackling life’s hardest and happiest moments.

Because when the baby’s up at 2 a.m. and your six-year-old is asking deep philosophical questions like “Do bugs have birthdays?”, it’s good to be in sync with the person beside you in the trenches. Even if they think you load the dishwasher all wrong.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Bridging the Gap: When Mental Health Culture Meets Family History

Something interesting is happening around kitchen tables these days. Families are talking more openly about things that used to stay quietly tucked away—anxiety, boundaries, burnout, childhood wounds. Mental health culture has brought these topics out of the shadows and into everyday conversation.

That’s a good thing—mostly. But it’s also created a growing tension between generations.

Adult children are using new language to describe their experiences. They’re setting boundaries, processing trauma, and trying to parent differently. Meanwhile, many parents—especially those who raised kids in a time when emotions weren’t openly discussed—are struggling to keep up. Some feel blamed, misunderstood, or left out entirely.

This disconnect isn’t about bad intentions. It’s about different frameworks. And bridging the gap, while worth the effort, is far from easy.

Mental health awareness has grown significantly in recent decades, and therapy-informed language is now common among Millennials and Gen Z. Words like “emotional labor,” “gaslighting,” and “generational trauma” are part of regular conversation.

But research shows that this increased awareness sometimes leads to more—not less—conflict. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that while emotionally open communication improves individual well-being, it can cause friction when others aren’t operating from the same emotional playbook.

Older generations, often raised to “push through” or “keep it to yourself,” may feel confused or criticized when adult children bring up past pain or ask for emotional boundaries. And younger generations, wanting to heal, may struggle to understand why their parents seem resistant or defensive.

Avoiding these conversations altogether can lead to even deeper problems. A study from Cornell University found that unresolved family conflict is one of the top regrets people carry later in life. Estrangement, which was once rare, is becoming more common—nearly 1 in 4 Americans say they’ve cut off a close family member at some point.

In most cases, families don’t want to drift apart. They just don’t know how to talk across the emotional and cultural divides.

Here’s the hopeful part: families who do the hard work of navigating these tensions often emerge stronger.

Healthy conflict, handled with mutual respect, can deepen understanding and build trust. Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman, an expert in family estrangement and family therapy, notes that reconciliation is most successful when both sides are willing to reflect on their part and adjust expectations.

Adult children don’t need their parents to be perfect. Parents don’t need their children to forget the past. But both sides benefit when they can say, “I want to understand you, even if I don’t fully agree with you.”

If you’re a parent struggling with this tension in your relationship with your adult child, try these tools:

  • Ask questions before offering advice. When your child shares how they’re feeling or something they’re experiencing, posture yourself to listen rather than sharing. “What do you need from me right now?” goes a long way.
  • Don’t take boundaries personally. They’re often about the adult child’s needs for understanding and growth—not a rejection of your love.
  • Be open to learning. Therapy-speak might sound foreign, but behind it is often a deep desire for connection.

If you’re an adult child struggling with this tension in your relationship with your parent, try these tools:

  • Share feelings without shaming. “I needed something different back then” is easier to hear than “You failed me.”
  • Evaluate your own desire for the conversation and set realistic expectations for the outcome. Are you wanting your parents to go back in time and spend more time with you? Hear your needs? Show up more? We don’t have time machines, and it may not be something they’re willing to acknowledge and apologize for at the moment. They may need time to process and gather a response.
  • Acknowledge growth. Even small efforts by your parents to understand should be seen and named. Don’t expect perfect healing. Aim for progress, not perfection.

Repairing emotional rifts across generations requires humility, patience, and a lot of practice.

But it matters. Because our family ties, when healthy, are one of the few places where we can be fully known and still loved.

We won’t always say it right. There will be missteps. But leaning in—gently, consistently, and without the need to win—creates space for something new to grow.

Maybe that’s the real gift of this mental health moment: not to blame or divide, but to build something stronger than what we were handed.

And maybe, that work begins with just one honest conversation at the table.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Should You Care for Family Members Who Never Cared for You?

There’s an old saying: “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”

It’s a phrase often used when we’re caught between the emotional turmoil of familial obligation and the complex realities of our relationships. But does this mean we’re required to care for family members who’ve shown little to no care for us in return?

In my daily work, we deal with adults and children stuck in generational cycles of neglect, abuse, addiction, etc. My own family consistently deals with the complex dynamic of caring for and helping family members who have not made the best decisions or been dependable and functional in relationships.

Family dynamics are rarely as simple as we’d like them to be.

Sometimes, family members, whether parents, siblings, or other relatives, fail to provide the care and support that we expect or need. This can leave lasting scars, and understandably, the question arises: Is it still our responsibility to extend a hand when they’ve shown us nothing but indifference or neglect?

There’s a psychological phenomenon known as “familial obligation,” the belief that we must maintain close relationships with family regardless of how those relationships make us feel. Research suggests that this belief can stem from deep-rooted cultural and societal expectations.

Family is seen and desired to be a unit that provides unconditional love, yet this isn’t always the case for everyone.

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family showed that individuals who experience emotional neglect or dysfunction within their family often feel torn when it comes to maintaining these connections. On one hand, the sense of loyalty is ingrained; on the other, the desire for emotional well-being may conflict with these familial obligations and longings.

Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, known for her work on family dynamics, suggests that empathy plays a significant role in how we navigate difficult relationships. She notes that while it’s essential to set boundaries for self-preservation, it’s equally important to understand the root causes of a family member’s behavior. If a parent, for example, was emotionally unavailable due to their own unresolved traumas, it might help to approach the situation with compassion rather than judgment.

“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing,” Dr. Markham says. “It means choosing to move forward with empathy, understanding that we can’t change the past, but we can redefine how we respond to it.”

Yet, the emotional cost of continuously caring for someone who never reciprocates can be high. The risk of burnout, resentment, and emotional depletion is real. For this reason, experts in family therapy often recommend establishing clear boundaries while still holding space for empathy. Remember, it’s okay to feel conflicted about giving to someone who hasn’t given back. Acknowledge your feelings, and then decide what you’re capable of offering.

When faced with the dilemma of whether to care for a family member who hasn’t shown you care, consider this:

What are you emotionally able to give? And what are your expectations? Compassion is vital, but so is self-care.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that maintaining mental health in difficult family relationships requires balancing compassion with self-preservation. If the act of caring for a family member becomes a burden, the impact on your mental and emotional health can be significant. Likewise, if you choose to care for a family member because you have an expectation of turning the relationship around or healing a wound, make that expectation known up front. Or, better yet, evaluate whether or not that expectation is realistic in the first place.

A study published in Family Relations found that individuals who engage in caregiving without proper emotional boundaries and expectations often experience depression and anxiety.

That’s why it’s essential to reflect on what your limits and desires are and communicate them clearly. You can love someone and still protect your emotional well-being.

The key is creating healthy boundaries that allow for compassion without compromise. This doesn’t mean cutting ties or withholding care, but rather, finding a balance that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Establishing these boundaries can sometimes mean limiting the frequency of contact or focusing on more specific ways to provide care that feel manageable.

Also, building a network of supportive relationships outside of your family can serve as a crucial support system. Studies indicate that strong, non-familial relationships can provide the emotional stability needed to navigate complex family dynamics. Leaning into these relationships can help you feel more grounded when dealing with family challenges.

Ultimately, deciding whether to care for a family member who hasn’t cared for you requires both introspection and external support. It’s okay to prioritize your own mental health while still maintaining a sense of empathy. There’s no “one size fits all” answer, and that’s okay. Each family dynamic is unique, and the decision to engage or disengage with family members should be made with consideration of your personal circumstances, emotional capacity, and overall well-being.

As we navigate our family relationships, we may find that our ability to care for others is strengthened when we first care for ourselves. And in doing so, we can create more meaningful, balanced relationships that honor both our needs and the complexities of family.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Why Gen Z is Saying “No” to Romance and What it Means for Us All

My son had his sixth birthday recently. He came home from school with a dozen notes and cards in his backpack, all of which were covered in hearts, glitter and the endearing best wishes of his closest female classmates.  

While I would say this slightly concerned me, I also know that this behavior is pretty normal in kindergarten. Children at this age often imitate what they see at home or in the media. They also develop a sense of feelings towards others, although child development professionals clarify these feelings are much more about companionship and friendship than romance.

In the middle of processing this, I stumbled across several recent surveys that shocked me. According to Pew Research Center, approximately 56% of Gen Z individuals (ages 18-29) reported being single, significantly more than previous generations at their age. An American Perspectives Survey found similar results:

Gen Z is the least likely of all current generations to seek or form romantic partnerships. 

After reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder if Gen Z students shared sweet little “love notes” in kindergarten. Did something change? What keeps them from seeking companionship and connection?

Experts suggest several possibilities. Dr. Jean Twenge, psychologist and author of “iGen,” points to the increased reliance on smartphones and social media, making face-to-face interactions daunting or even unnecessary for many. Digital interaction offers a safer, controlled environment, shielding young adults from the vulnerability inherent in traditional romance.

Economics plays a significant role, too.

Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and Chief Scientific Advisor at Match.com, highlights financial instability as a deterrent. Faced with student debt and uncertain job markets, Gen Z individuals prioritize financial and personal stability before venturing into relationships. Fisher calls this the “slow love” trend, where careful planning precedes commitment.

There’s also a shifting cultural landscape. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University, notes that Gen Z has grown up with heightened awareness around emotional health, consent, and individual identity. Young adults today are more inclined to invest energy in personal growth, mental health, and friendships before adding romance to the equation.

But what does this mean for the future?

While some view this as merely delayed milestones, others worry about long-term effects. Fewer relationships could result in lower marriage and birth rates, already concerns in countries facing population decline. Moreover, researchers like Eli Finkel from Northwestern University caution that prolonged loneliness and isolation might exacerbate mental health challenges already prevalent among Gen Z.

Yet, there’s hope. Experts stress adaptability and encourage intergenerational conversations.

Solomon suggests families and communities proactively teach relationship skills, emotional intelligence, and resilience. Offering safe spaces for honest dialogue about romance and relationships might empower young adults to navigate intimacy confidently and healthily.

As a parent and advocate for healthy relationships, I’m hopeful. Yes, romance might look different in the digital age, but our fundamental human need for connection and love remains unchanged. Perhaps Gen Z’s cautious, thoughtful approach will yield stronger, more intentional relationships—relationships built on solid emotional foundations. 

So, rather than despair, let’s commit to supporting the next generation in defining what healthy, committed romantic relationships look like and understanding why they matter. Maybe the future of “romance” can transition away from the fatigue of swiping left or right and move towards pausing, reflecting, and ultimately, choosing wisely.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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When a Parent Goes to Prison: The Unseen Sentence on Children

Last week, I had lunch with my five-year-old son and his kindergarten class.

I try to eat lunch with him at least once a month, so all of his classmates know me fairly well.

One extra talkative student planted themselves next to me and proceeded to tell me all about how one of their parents was recently taken to prison, but they didn’t do anything wrong, they really want them to come home, and they love them with all their heart.

I’ve carried this conversation with me ever since.

Through our work at First Things First, we often deal with parents being incarcerated or losing custody of their children, but we very rarely interact with the children and hear their side of the story.

What happens when a child’s foundation is suddenly fractured? What happens when a child’s parent disappears behind bars?

The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world, with over 1.2 million people behind bars.

More than five million children—about 1 in 14—have had a parent incarcerated at some point in their lives, according to research from Child Trends. And the effects on these children? Well, they’re staggering.

Losing a parent to prison isn’t just an absence—it’s an upheaval.

Studies from the last decade show that children with an incarcerated parent are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. Unlike other forms of parental separation, incarceration carries stigma and shame, making it harder for children to express their grief.

Dr. Kristin Turney, a sociologist at the University of California, Irvine, has studied the developmental effects of parental incarceration extensively. She found that children in this situation experience greater emotional distress than those who lose a parent to divorce or even death. Why? Because incarceration is unpredictable. The child doesn’t just lose a parent—they gain a confusing tangle of uncertainty, social stigma, and economic hardship.

Data from the National Survey of Children’s Health shows that children of incarcerated parents are more likely to struggle in school, have behavioral problems, and even face increased risks of chronic health issues. The toxic stress caused by parental incarceration—when prolonged and unbuffered by strong, stable relationships—literally alters brain development, making it harder for children to regulate emotions and concentrate.

And then there’s the financial toll.

Many incarcerated parents were primary providers, and when they’re gone, families often spiral into deeper poverty. Fewer resources mean higher stress at home, less parental supervision, and a higher likelihood that the cycle of incarceration will repeat.

So, what can we do?

Experts emphasize that children need stability, connection, and open conversations to mitigate the damage.

1. Regular Contact Matters

    Research by the Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services suggests that maintaining strong parent-child bonds—even through prison visitation—can reduce the emotional harm of separation. Children who maintain contact with their incarcerated parent often fare better emotionally and behaviorally.

    2. Honest, Age-Appropriate Conversations

    Psychologists recommend avoiding secrecy. Instead of saying, “Daddy is away on a trip,” it’s better to explain in simple, truthful terms that he made a mistake, is facing consequences, but still loves them.

    3. Community Support Is Key

    Programs like Sesame Street’s “Little Children, Big Challenges” provide books, videos, and tools to help kids process their feelings. Mentorship programs, like those from one of our partner organizations, Big Brothers Big Sisters, also offer children a steady adult presence when a parent is absent.

    Parental incarceration is not just a criminal justice issue—it’s a childhood development issue, a public health issue, and a societal issue. While we can’t rewrite the past, we can build better support systems for these children so they don’t have to serve a silent sentence alongside their parents.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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    Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Clearing Out Resentment, Guilt and Unspoken Expectations

    There’s something about spring that invites us to shed what’s stale and breathe fresh air into our homes.

    And believe it or not… spring will be here this month!

    It’s the season to dust off forgotten corners, donate what no longer serves us, and stand back to admire the crispness of a clean slate. But what if we treated our relationships the same way? What if we took this season of renewal as a cue to clear out the resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations that can quietly clutter our marriages and parenting?

    Just as a home full of junk can feel stifling, relationships burdened with emotional debris can limit our joy and connection.

    And research agrees. A 2015 study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations are significant predictors of marital dissatisfaction. Similarly, parenting experts warn that lingering guilt and unspoken assumptions can create friction with our kids.

    Dusting Out Resentment in Marriage

    Resentment often starts as a small speck—an eye roll when your partner forgets, yet again, to take out the trash. But left unaddressed, it can accumulate into a layer of grime that blurs your view of each other. According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher, the antidote to resentment is open communication. “Small things often,” he says, emphasizing that regular, honest conversations can prevent small irritations from growing into deep divides.

    To begin, set aside time to talk without distractions. Start sentences with “I feel” rather than “You always,” which keeps the conversation focused on your experience instead of sounding accusatory. And, yes, it’s uncomfortable at first—kind of like pulling the couch away from the wall and finding a collection of dusty mysteries. But the relief of a clean, honest space is worth it.

    Sweeping Away Parenting Guilt

    If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilty as a parent, I’d have enough for a luxurious kid-free weekend getaway—and probably still feel guilty about going. Parenting guilt is a universal experience, but carrying it unchecked is like dragging a mop through muddy water: it only spreads the mess.

    Parenting expert Dr. Tina Payne Bryson advises acknowledging guilt as a sign of care but not letting it dictate our actions.

    “Guilt can be a helpful signal, but it becomes unhealthy when it turns into shame or when it keeps us from being present with our children,” she explains. Instead of dwelling on where you think you’re falling short, focus on small, intentional moments of connection with your kids—whether it’s reading one more story at bedtime or sharing a silly dance in the kitchen.

    Scrubbing Out Unspoken Expectations

    Expectations are tricky. We all have them, but when left unspoken, they can become invisible tripping hazards. Whether it’s expecting your spouse to know you need a break or hoping your child will behave perfectly at the grocery store, unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment and friction.

    Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes the importance of “clear is kind.” She encourages us to be explicit about what we need and to ask our loved ones to do the same. When my five-year-old started kindergarten, I realized I had an unspoken expectation that he’d adjust easily. When he didn’t, I felt frustrated—not at him, but at the gap between my expectation and reality. Voicing this allowed me to shift my approach, offering him more support and patience as he navigated the transition.

    Embracing the Fresh Air

    The beauty of spring cleaning—whether in your home or your heart—isn’t in achieving perfection but in creating space for what matters most. When we clear out resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations, we make room for grace, laughter, and love. We let in the fresh air of connection and breathe a little easier in our most important relationships.

    So, as you sweep out the dust bunnies and fold fresh linens, take a moment to dust off your relationships too. It may take time, but the reward is a home—and a heart—where love can flourish.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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    The Number One Phrase Used in Successful Relationships

    How often do you say “thank you” to your spouse or significant other? 

    If this question makes you feel uncomfortable, guilty, or maybe even ask the counter-question, “For what!?,” you’re not alone.

    A recent 50-year study completed by The Gottman Institute found that the single most important phrase couples can use in their relationship is “thank you.” After observing 40,000 couples during therapy sessions, Drs. John and Julie Gottman found relationships with an “enthusiastic culture of appreciation” were more likely to be successful for a lifetime than those who don’t regularly practice gratitude.

    Think back through your last couple of days or weeks. How often did you say “thank you” to a total stranger? Of course, you thanked the person who held the door open for you or the waiter who refilled your glass. Do you feel the same urgency to say “thank you” to your partner? Do you express your gratitude when they empty the dishwasher, finish the laundry, or listen while you vent about your day?

    In full transparency, after completing this simple exercise, I realized I don’t say “thank you” to my husband as often as I should. It’s not that I’m not grateful for him. Life is just busy. There are a million things on my plate, and I don’t pause long enough to show him how appreciative I am.

    The Gottmans’ study also revealed that couples who have been together for an extended period (typically two years or longer) can often develop a culture of “only noticing the things their partner is doing wrong rather than what they’re doing right.” 

    For example, if your spouse was home all day but didn’t fold the massive mountain of clean clothes on the dining room table, you may come home and tell them how frustrated you feel. You might automatically assume they were lazy or even left the clothes for you to tackle. But, if you come home to a nicely stacked pile of laundry, you may say nothing. You’re just relieved there’s one less thing on your plate. 

    To shift this mindset and create a positive cycle of appreciation in your relationship, the Gottmans suggest giving four things a try:

    1. Practice noticing the positive. Watch your partner and note the positive things they do. 
    2. Say “thank you.” Tell them every time you notice something that makes you feel grateful.
    3. Focus on the present. When you shift your mindset toward the positive, you’ll also have to practice letting go of the past. Don’t let previous actions cloud your desire to build something different in your relationship.
    4. Remember, this isn’t about changing your partner. Creating a cycle of appreciation begins with changing your mental habits, not changing your partner. If your partner isn’t immediately on board, stay positive and express that gratitude. Watch how contagious gratitude can be.

    As you think about this information and how to apply it to your relationship, remember that creating new cycles and building new thought patterns doesn’t come easy. In fact, it can be quite challenging. First Things First is always here to support you. We have resources on our website and provide one-on-one relationship coaching if needed! Find out more about this service at FirstThings.org/coaching.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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