Happy Families Aren’t Just Lucky, They’re Intentional

Last week, my one-year-old daughter discovered the comedy goldmine of me pretending to fall asleep at the dinner table.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes her giggle like someone slowly closing their eyes and pretending to snore while they’re taking a bite of mashed potatoes. Meanwhile, my six-year-old son—nearly finishing his first year of kindergarten—has decided that knock-knock jokes and living room dance parties are the height of his day.

In these moments, I’m reminded that joy isn’t just a bonus in family life, it’s essential. It’s the glue, the spark, the protective armor. And yet, joy is often the first thing to go when life gets hard or hectic.

Let’s talk about how to cultivate joy—and why it’s worth the effort.

Joy is more than just fleeting happiness. Dr. Brené Brown, research professor at the University of Houston, describes joy as a deeply vulnerable emotion. In her research, she found that “the people who were the most resilient in the face of fear were the ones who practiced gratitude and lived joyful lives.”

In a family setting, joy looks like this: shared laughter over burnt pancakes, impromptu dance parties during clean-up time, the warm quiet of snuggling on the couch at day’s end. Joy is the undercurrent of connection—it bubbles up through safety, playfulness, and belonging.

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, families who intentionally engage in positive shared experiences—like play, rituals, and shared meals—report higher overall satisfaction and lower levels of conflict. Even more compelling: when kids grow up in homes where joy is a regular guest at the table, they’re more likely to become resilient, empathetic adults.

And joy isn’t just for the kids. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on marital stability and relationship satisfaction, has said that happy couples maintain a “magic ratio” of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative one. Joy doesn’t just cushion our bad days—it rewires how we show up for each other on the good ones, too.

Here are a few signs that joy is alive and well in your family life:

1. Inside jokes

that only your family understands.

2. Playful teasing

that makes everyone laugh, not cry.

3. Moments of collective silliness

bad karaoke, dance-offs, shared storytelling.

4. Emotional safety

where all family members feel free to express themselves.

If none of that rings a bell, take heart. Joy isn’t a fixed trait; it’s a skill. Which means it can be rebuilt, moment by moment. 

Here’s how to cultivate joy, even when you’re tired:

1. Schedule your fun.

It sounds counterintuitive, but research from the National Institute for Play shows that when families set aside time specifically for fun, the emotional payoff is higher than when fun is spontaneous but sporadic. Try a weekly “joy night”—whether that’s pizza and puzzles or a family bike ride.

2. Catch them doing something right.

Kids light up when they’re noticed for being kind, creative, or brave. Spouses do too. Praise doesn’t just encourage—it connects.

3. Practice gratitude together.

According to Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading researcher on gratitude, families that regularly reflect on what they’re thankful for report more optimism, stronger bonds, and fewer disciplinary problems. Start with three things around the dinner table.

4. Laugh on purpose.

Pull out those old baby videos. Watch a kid-friendly comedy. Make a fool of yourself with zero apology. Humor helps us metabolize stress, especially in parenting. (And yes, some days that looks like turning spilled milk into a joke rather than a meltdown.)

5. Make space for everyone’s joy.

What brings your spouse joy might not be what excites your kids. That’s okay. Joy in families means respecting individual sources of delight, while celebrating them together.

It’s easy to think of joy as something you earn when life is finally less stressful, more organized, or completely under control (as if!). But here’s the truth I’m learning right alongside you: Joy is not the reward. Joy is the work.

And when we lean into it—even with sticky floors, toddler tantrums, and deadlines looming—we send a clear message to our children and partners: “Life is better because we’re in it together.”

That’s not just a parenting win. That’s a legacy.

What brings your family joy lately? I’d love to hear. And if you’re not sure, maybe it’s time to act silly and find out.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].