,

Do We Really Inherit More than Physical Traits from Our Family?

I look like my Mom. If you saw us together, there’d be no denying we’re related. On the other hand, I act a LOT like my Dad. My feet (and mouth) often move faster than my brain, and I tend to talk a little too much in social settings. My guess is, if you know your family, you also know who you look like and who you favor in personality as well. The big question is, what do we inherit from our family members?

As the CEO of a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening families, I’ve seen firsthand how the threads of a person’s familial traits and decisions weave into the fabric of their present and future. This phenomenon, known as the multigenerational transmission process, highlights how behaviors, patterns, and emotional responses are passed down from one generation to the next. Understanding this process is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and creating positive change in our families.

The multigenerational transmission process is a concept adopted from the family systems theory. This theory was created by American psychiatrist and academic Murray Bowen in the 1950s. In short, the theory suggests we inherit more than just physical traits from our ancestors and family members. Our emotional responses, coping mechanisms, and relationship patterns are also influenced by previous generations. This process occurs through direct interactions with family members and through the subtle, often unspoken, transmission of beliefs and behaviors.

For example, if a parent struggles with expressing emotions, their children might learn to suppress their feelings. This can lead to similar patterns of emotional suppression in future generations, creating a cycle that is difficult to break.

Understanding the multigenerational transmission process can help us identify patterns that may be affecting our current relationships. By recognizing these patterns, we can take steps to address them and create healthier dynamics within our families.

Here are a few ways this process may be impacting you and your relationships:

  • Emotional Patterns: If previous generations experienced trauma or emotional neglect, these experiences can shape how current family members handle emotions. Recognizing these patterns and choosing to make a change allows us to develop healthier emotional responses and improve our communication skills.
  • Behavioral Patterns: Behaviors such as addiction, violence, or financial mismanagement can be passed down through generations. Understanding the root causes of these behaviors can help us identify what we need to work on in ourselves in order to break the cycle and create positive change.
  • Belief Systems: Our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world are often inherited from our families. By examining these beliefs, we can challenge those that create fear and anxiety and limit us from our fullest potential.

While the multigenerational transmission process can perpetuate negative patterns, it also offers an opportunity for positive change.

Here are some steps we can take to break the cycle and create healthier family dynamics:

  1. Practice self-awareness. The first step in breaking the cycle is becoming aware of the patterns that exist within our families. Reflect on your family history and consider how it has shaped your behaviors and beliefs.
  2. Use open communication within your family. Create a safe space for family members to express their feelings and share their experiences.
  3. Seek support to hold you accountable and provide guidance. Professional counseling or therapy can provide valuable insights and strategies for addressing multigenerational patterns. Support groups, churches and faith communities, and educational programs can also offer encouragement.
  4. Model healthy behaviors for the next generation. As parents and caregivers, we have the power to model healthy behaviors for our children. Demonstrate positive coping mechanisms, effective communication, and emotional regulation.

By understanding and addressing the multigenerational transmission process, we can break free from negative patterns passed down from previous generations and create a legacy of stability, resilience, and connection for those to come after us. It’s a powerful reminder that our actions today have the potential to shape the well-being of our children, grandchildren, and beyond.

Let’s embrace the power of connection and the gift of healing, knowing that the love and strength cultivated today will resonate for generations to come.

/0 Comments/by

Understanding the Impact of Two-Parent Privilege

As a society, we often focus on what divides us—income inequality, educational disparities, and healthcare access, to name a few. However, recent research by economist, Melissa S. Kearney, sheds light on a significant factor that often goes overlooked: the “two-parent privilege.” Understanding this concept and its implications can help us create stronger, more supportive communities and provide support to stabilize families across the spectrum.

What is two-parent privilege?

In her recently published book, The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, Kearney delves into the specific advantages children raised in families with both parents present often enjoy, such as better educational outcomes, higher economic stability, and enhanced emotional well-being.

Kearney’s research reveals some compelling statistics:

1. Educational Achievement: Children from two-parent families are more likely to graduate high school and attend college. This is attributed to the combined resources that two parents can provide—time, money, and emotional support.  

2. Economic Stability: Dual-income households generally have more financial security, which translates to better access to healthcare, extracurricular activities, and educational resources.

3. Emotional Support: Having two parents can mean a more robust support system. Children benefit from the presence of multiple role models and the emotional stability that comes from a balanced home environment.

While the advantages of two-parent households are evident, Kearney’s research also reveals a socioeconomic divide. High-income families often have the resources to mitigate some of the challenges of single-parent households. However, the presence of two parents still plays a crucial role in providing a balanced environment for children. In lower-income families, the absence of a second parent can be more acutely felt. Financial strain and limited access to resources can exacerbate the challenges faced by single-parent families.

Understanding the significance of two-parent privilege prompts us to think about how we can support all families, regardless of their structure.

Here are a few action steps we can take as a community:

1. Support Single Parents: Communities can provide resources and programs specifically aimed at single-parent households. This could include childcare support, financial planning services, and access to mental health resources.

2. Promote Healthy Relationships: Offering relationship counseling and education can help couples navigate challenges and build stronger partnerships. This, in turn, can contribute to more stable family environments.

3. Community Engagement: Creating community support networks where families can share resources, advice, and emotional support can make a significant difference. Programs that connect families with mentors and role models can also provide additional support for children.

4. Look at Existing and Needed Policies: Advocating for policies that support family stability, such as paid family leave, affordable childcare, and access to healthcare, can help mitigate some of the disparities associated with single-parent households.

While the benefits of two-parent households are clear, it is crucial to remember that all families deserve support and opportunities to thrive.

By acknowledging the concept of two-parent privilege and taking steps to support all family structures, we can work towards a more equitable and supportive society.

As we engage as a community, let’s remember to share our experiences and support initiatives that aim to strengthen family bonds. First Things First believes together, we can create a world where every child has the opportunity to succeed, regardless of the family structure they’re born into.

/0 Comments/by

Why Dads Matter Everyday

Last weekend was Father’s Day. I helped my young children celebrate their dad by purchasing a small gift we knew he would love and creating personal cards for him to enjoy.

He was delightfully surprised by both, and quickly commented, “Ah, you don’t have to celebrate me. I’m not half as important as your Mom anyway. She’s the real one to celebrate.”

While I appreciated the compliment, my brow furrowed a little at this statement… and I think it still is. 

A Pew Research study completed in 2017 found that 68% of dads felt they did not spend enough time with their kids. Similarly, a whopping 85% said they felt their role as a parent mattered, but not as much as mom. While the logic behind these surveys is easy to understand, the reality is dads play a different role in a child’s life than moms, but that role is just as important.

One unique way a father contributes is to a child’s emotional and social development.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that fathers often engage in roughhousing, wrestling, and play that is physically stimulating and unpredictable. This teaches children about managing emotions and taking risks within safe boundaries. It also helps children develop resilience and confidence.

Moreover, fathers are role models for both sons and daughters. For boys, a father’s behavior can shape their understanding of masculinity and respectful relationships. For daughters, the father’s treatment of their mother and other women sets a precedent for what they might expect in their own future relationships.

A wide array of studies show that children with actively involved fathers tend to fare better on numerous fronts.

They exhibit higher levels of academic achievement, better social skills, and improved self-esteem. According to a report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, these children are also less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as drug use and delinquency. The positive presence of a father can be a protective factor against many of the challenges young people face today.

Despite the significant role fathers play, they often face numerous societal pressures and challenges that can hinder their involvement. Traditional gender roles, workplace demands, and the lingering stereotype of fathers as secondary parents can create barriers. It’s crucial that we, as a society, recognize these obstacles and provide support to fathers.

Workplaces can be more father-friendly by offering paternity leave and flexible working arrangements.

This not only allows fathers to be more present in the early, formative weeks of their child’s life but also supports a more balanced sharing of parental responsibilities. Schools and community programs can actively involve fathers by hosting events and workshops that welcome their participation and acknowledge their role.

Relationship experts, like Dr. Michael Lamb, advocate for counseling and resources tailored specifically to fathers. Parenting classes that address the unique challenges fathers face, coupled with support groups, can provide the necessary tools and confidence for men to engage fully with their children.

So dads, please believe that your role is irreplaceable. Your presence, love, and involvement are crucial in shaping the next generation. For those in the community supporting fathers, continue to encourage and create spaces where fathers can thrive and feel valued. By doing so, we not only uplift individual families but strengthen the very fabric of our society.

While last week was Father’s Day, but we can celebrate dads every day, recognizing the irreplaceable contributions they provide and renewing our commitment to supporting them in their parenting journey. Whether through policy changes, community support, or simply recognizing the invaluable role they play, every effort counts in helping fathers build stronger bonds with their children.

/0 Comments/by

7 Ways to Help Your Spouse Through a Tough Time

I made a mistake in my marriage last week. 

My husband’s been having some challenging conversations at work lately. As he caught me up on the most recent happenings, I shared what I would have done differently. I know this is not what he needed at that moment. It also goes against what we typically teach and coach couples to do at First Things First. Nevertheless, I felt he needed to hear it for some reason, and who better to tell him than me? I charged on.

He became frustrated with me and suggested we take a break from talking about it. He also stated he would deal with it on his own because he felt unsupported and unheard by me at the moment. Ouch. Also, he had every right to feel angry.

When life throws curveballs, the impact affects our closest relationships. Whether it’s a career change, health crisis, or personal struggle, supporting a spouse or partner through difficult times is both hard and crucial for the well-being of each individual and the relationship as a whole. Here are some tangible tips to support and help your partner navigate tough times while also strengthening your connection.

1. Listen actively.

Active listening is more than just hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist known for his work on marital stability, active listening and empathy require these key elements:

  • Maintaining eye contact to show you are fully present.
  • Nodding and using verbal affirmations like “I see” or “I understand.”
  • Reflecting on what you’ve heard to ensure clarity.

2. Offer emotional support without judgment.

Your partner needs to feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in building connections. Offering a non-judgmental space where your partner can express their feelings without fear of criticism can significantly alleviate their stress.

3. Be patient and give them space.

Sometimes, the best support is giving your partner the space they need. According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who allow each other autonomy during stressful times report higher relationship satisfaction. This means recognizing when your partner needs alone time or space to process their emotions independently.

4. Assist with practical needs.

When your partner is overwhelmed, day-to-day tasks can become burdensome. Offering to take on extra responsibilities, such as household chores, managing finances, or running errands, can significantly reduce their stress. Research by the American Psychological Association indicates that practical support can alleviate stress and improve overall well-being, especially during mentally or emotionally taxing seasons.

5. Encourage professional help.

If your partner’s difficulties seem impossible for you to help them to work through, encouraging them to seek professional help can be the best next step. Therapy or counseling provides a structured environment to address complex emotions and develop coping strategies. Therapy can be especially beneficial for those dealing with prolonged stress, depression, or anxiety.

6. Maintain open and honest communication.

Keeping the lines of communication open is vital. A study from the University of Georgia found that couples who regularly engage in open, honest communication are better equipped to handle stress. This involves checking in regularly, discussing feelings openly, and being honest about your own needs and limits.

7. Celebrate small victories.

Acknowledging and celebrating small achievements can provide a significant morale boost. Whether it’s completing a project, sticking to a new routine, or simply getting through the day, recognizing these victories can foster a sense of progress and hope.

One bonus tip from personal experience: Apologize when needed.

We all make mistakes. We all fail to meet each other where we are from time to time. When my husband let me know he didn’t feel supported by my words and actions, I quickly apologized and told him I’d do better next time. I asked for clarity on what I could do to support him. In the end, this hiccup has made our relationship stronger and it’s helped me to better understand my husband’s needs. I hope the learnings from our experience can guide you through challenging times in your relationship as well.

/0 Comments/by

Why Traveling With Young Children Is Worth Every Meltdown

My son was four months old the first time he flew on a plane. 

I was invited to a tech conference at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I was exclusively nursing, living on a special diet of no dairy, soy, or egg, and getting four solid hours of sleep a night.

It wasn’t easy, but seeing my little boy fall asleep on the plane, ga-ga at strangers on the city sidewalks, and marvel at the curves and shapes of Pittsburgh architecture made me grateful for seizing the opportunity.

When he was two years old, we went on a family trip to Boston for a week.

My husband and I love the city, and there are so many fun activities for young ones to enjoy.

At three, my son went on his first beach vacation to Key Largo, an island off the southern coast of Florida.

It was a work trip for my husband, but it became one of our most memorable experiences.

And last week, we visited the Grand Canyon and the deserts of Arizona.

My now four-year-old continually asks if we just came back from outer space. He’s convinced we went to Mars because of Red Rock State Park in Sedona.

Why am I sharing my son’s travel history with you? Because we did it, and you can, too. 

Before moving forward, let me make one thing clear: There were plenty of blowouts, meltdowns, and tired tantrums on each of these trips.

I’m no Mary Poppins, try as I might. But the memories made, experiences had, and the personal growth my husband and I experienced was far worth the chaos.

A study released in 2022 by the Student and Youth Travel Association found that children who travel benefit in a myriad of ways, including better performance in school.

Some of the most noteworthy findings include:

  • 74% of the educators polled believe travel helps students’ personal development.
  • 56% believe travel positively impacts students’ lifetime education and career.
  • 80% of the teachers in the study said travel is an “extremely effective” teaching method.
  • Students who travel often reported having an increased desire to graduate and attend college.

Travel is a luxury not everyone can afford.

However, it’s not the distance that makes the experience beneficial to parents and children; it’s the out-of-the-box experience.

If finances are tight and resources aren’t easily accessible, consider visiting a local monument, park, or museum.

Find a nearby grocery store with culturally diverse foods, people, and languages. Spend some time reading books about places you might want to visit someday and make a tentative plan for how to get there.

If having young children is holding you back from travel, think again.

Seeing the world (no matter how close or far away from home) through the eyes of a small child may be the perspective shift you need to boost positivity and increase creativity. Plus, it can help your child develop a healthy curiosity and openness to critical thinking that will carry them through life.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash

/0 Comments/by

Embracing 50/50 Custody is the Best for Children

Embracing 50/50 Custody is the Best for Children

I am not an advocate for divorce on many occasions, but I do know there are some situations in which the ending of a relationship is better for everyone involved–and that’s okay. When one of my closest friends called me to tell me she was officially filing for a divorce, there was a sense of relief in her voice and an optimistic outlook for the future. Inevitably, her biggest concern was what to do for her children. 

Deciding on custody arrangements can be one of the most challenging aspects of the divorce process, as well as for unmarried couples who have children. Traditionally, custody arrangements often lean towards favoring one parent over the other, but a growing body of research and evidence-based practices are pointing towards a more balanced approach: 50/50 custody. Experts across the nation are beginning to agree this arrangement can offer numerous benefits for children and families alike.

First and foremost, 50/50 custody promotes the invaluable principle of equality. Children thrive when they have consistent and meaningful relationships with both parents. Dr. Edward Kruk, a professor of social work at the University of British Columbia, highlights in his research that children benefit from having access to both parents post-divorce, leading to better psychological and emotional outcomes. He emphasizes that “shared parenting tends to be associated with better outcomes for children.”

In a recent article written by journalist Emma Johnson and published by the Institute for Family Studies, Johnson shares that a 2023 analysis of existing research found that on many measures, children in shared parenting arrangements “do equally well compared to children in nuclear families.” 

“The studies measured the kids’ academic, cognitive, emotional, and psychological outcomes, behavioral problems, overall physical health or stress-related physical problems, and the parent-child relationship quality,” writes Johnson. “This emerging culture shift to 50/50 parenting norms has also been a challenge for me, a lifelong feminist and journalist, who has devoted the heart of my career to celebrating single-mother families.”

Ultimately, 50/50 custody encourages co-parenting and shared responsibilities. When both parents are actively involved in raising their children, it fosters a sense of cooperation and mutual support, even after the marriage has ended. This shared responsibility can alleviate the burden on a single parent and provide a more stable environment for the children. According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, children in shared custody arrangements report higher levels of satisfaction with their relationships with both parents compared to those in sole custody arrangements.

Critics of 50/50 custody often raise concerns about logistical challenges and disruptions to children’s routines. However, experts argue that with effective communication and cooperation between parents, these challenges can be overcome. Dr. Linda Nielsen, a professor of adolescent and educational psychology at Wake Forest University, suggests that parents can work together to create consistent routines and rules across households, providing stability for the children.

Furthermore, 50/50 custody can mitigate the negative effects of parental conflict on children.

Research consistently shows that ongoing conflict between parents can have detrimental effects on children’s well-being. By sharing custody equally, parents may be motivated to minimize conflicts and prioritize the needs of their children, creating a healthier environment for them to thrive.

Of course, every family situation is unique, and 50/50 custody may not be feasible or suitable in every case. Factors such as distance between parents’ homes, work schedules, and the child’s best interests should all be carefully considered when determining custody arrangements. The growing body of research and expert opinions support the benefits of shared parenting overall.

Embracing 50/50 custody as a standard practice can promote equality, cooperation, and stability for children and families. By prioritizing the well-being of the children and fostering healthy relationships with both parents, families can navigate the complexities of shared parenting with compassion and empathy, ultimately providing a brighter future for the next generation.

/0 Comments/by

Women Change After Childbirth. So Should Their Support

Picture this: you’re a mom. You’ve just had a baby, and while you’re over the moon with love for your little one, you’re also feeling a bit… well, different. That was me not too long ago. And let me tell you, becoming a mom changes things – big time.

When my first child came into the world five years ago, I was scared. Scared of losing myself in this new role of being a mom. I’m all about being true to who I am, and suddenly, I was worried I’d only be known as “so and so’s mom.” But guess what? Turns out, you can love your kiddo to bits and still miss the days when you had more freedom to do your own thing.

The same experience happened when my second child was born last year. Adjusting to all of the changes that happened within me and around me after growing and birthing two little beings is still a challenge. My priorities have shifted, my attention and focus are divided, and my time is not my own. Not to mention, my house is a little messier and my clothes don’t fit quite the same way.

And from what I’ve seen on social media and heard from my other mom friends, I’m not alone in feeling this way. Turns out, science backs it up too.  Research shows childbirth permanently changes women physically, mentally, and emotionally.

So, let’s talk about how having a baby changes moms – and how we can support them better.

First up, the emotional rollercoaster. From the moment a woman finds out she’s pregnant to when that baby takes their first breath, it’s a wild ride of emotions. Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist, says there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how moms feel during pregnancy and after. It’s like a big mix of joy, fear, excitement, and sometimes sadness all rolled into one. Hormones play a part, of course, but it’s also about adjusting to this whole new life while your body is still recovering.

Childbirth can also take a major toll on a woman’s physical well-being. Dr. Sarah Buckley, a family physician and author, calls it a “powerful, transformative experience.” Translation: it’s a big deal. From the pain of contractions to the exhaustion of pushing, childbirth can bring on a range of physical challenges. Recovery from childbirth can be a slow and difficult process, needing plenty of rest, self-care, and support from loved ones. It’s crucial to prioritize health and well-being in postpartum, allowing moms the time and space they need to heal both physically and emotionally.

Let’s honor the incredible strength, resilience, and sacrifice of women who take on the journey of childbirth and motherhood. Let us recognize the mental, emotional, and physical challenges they face with courage and grace. And let us offer them the support, compassion, and understanding they need to navigate the challenges of motherhood.

But let’s not stop there. Here are three ways we can support moms after they’ve had their babies and beyond:

  1. Help out with practical stuff: Moms have a lot on their plate, so lending a hand with everyday tasks can make a big difference. Think of cooking meals, doing laundry, or running errands. By taking some of the pressure off, we give moms more time to focus on themselves and their little ones.
  2. Be there emotionally: Sometimes moms just need someone to listen. No judgment, no advice – just a shoulder to lean on. Letting them know that it’s okay to feel everything they’re experiencing can make a world of difference.
  3. Encourage connections: Being a mom can be lonely sometimes, so help moms connect with others in the same boat. Whether it’s organizing playdates or just hanging out, having a support network can make the tough days a little easier to bear.

So, to all the moms out there: You’re doing great. We’ve got your back, today and every day.

/0 Comments/by

Is a Dad’s Parenting Style Genetic?

This is the last column I’ll write before welcoming our second child into the world. I plan on taking some much-needed time to care for her, our family, and myself over the next three months.

During that time, you’ll hear from several First Things First team members who are passionate about families and helping individuals, couples, and parents strengthen their relationships. I know you’ll enjoy the variety of topics and expertise they’ll provide!

While I’ve had a baby before, this season of anticipation is much different than my first. Putting the “CEO” role on pause will be challenging, and figuring out how to parent a four-year-old and a newborn simultaneously will be no small challenge. 

However, I know my mind can be at ease for the first few months because of my husband. He’s a very involved dad and doesn’t shy away from skin-to-skin time, changing diapers, or newborn cuddles. I’m grateful to him. (If you know him, please tell him I said so.)

Last year, a study from the University of Nebraska revealed a genetic correlation between men’s testosterone levels when they become fathers and how they perceived their father’s caregiving role during their adolescent years. According to the study:

“Testosterone often declines in new fathers and lower testosterone is linked to greater caregiving. Given these roles, there is strong interest in factors that affect testosterone, including early-life experiences. In this multi decade study, Filipino sons whose fathers were present and involved with raising them when they were adolescents had lower testosterone when they later became fathers, compared to sons whose fathers were present but uninvolved or were not coresident.”

In other words, sons had lower testosterone levels as parents if their fathers lived with them and were involved during their early years. The big takeaway is this study’s findings link adolescent family experiences to adult testosterone, pointing to a potential pathway between the transmission of biological and behavioral components of reproductive strategies and parenting habits from generation to generation.

Parenting styles are often adopted and built through mixed avenues.

Some parents are determined to parent differently than how they were raised. Others closely follow the patterns and habits they experienced in their own upbringing without question. 

While the debate between nature versus nurture is ongoing, this research suggests men who didn’t have a present and engaged father may find it biologically more difficult to engage and build relationships with their children. Of course, this doesn’t give anyone a free pass. Still, it does provide ammunition for the argument that not everyone begins at the same starting line.

A survey by researcher Shaunti Feldhahn revealed that men “often don’t feel like they have what it takes” to be a dad.

Couple that with the possibility that biological genetics could affect some men’s ability to be the dad they want to be, and it can seem like a hopeless battle.

However, recent findings in epigenetics, the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect how your genes work, reveal that environmental and lifestyle changes can generate genetic behavioral changes over time. For example, someone born with a genetic predisposition to obesity can focus on a change in lifestyle and environment to reach and maintain a healthy weight.

The same idea applies to biological factors that affect how dads parent and choose to be involved in their children’s lives. With this in mind, it’s crucial for us as a society to recognize the importance of dads and promote their involvement in forming a more inclusive and harmonious society. 

If you are a dad or you know a dad who is struggling to be present in their child’s life, encourage them to check out Dads Making a Difference, a First Things First program for dads (often non-custodial) who want to spend more time with their children and build a deeper relationship with them. Learn more at FirstThings.org/DMD.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Ante Hamersmit on Unsplash

/0 Comments/by