I love talking about sex. No, not in a pervy way. Let me explain: I think more problems happen when sex is not discussed than when it is, especially among married couples. Get this: even nerdy science says couples who talk about sex have much healthier… and dare I say, steamier… sex lives than those who don’t! Kind of makes you want to cue up the conversations! 

But just what exactly should you talk about? Uhhh… honey, I like sex… do you like sex?… Ok, cool…

No, no, not like that! There are a gazillion great questions to help couples discuss sex. Questions about likes & dislikes, turn-ons & turn-offs, mood-makers & mood-killers. 

So, because I love talking about sex, and because I want you to love talking about sex, here are seven questions every couple (that’s you!) needs to ask to improve their sex life.

1. What makes sex fun for you? 

Sex is fun, right? But everyone has their own take on what makes sex fun. Talking this through helps you understand what makes the bedroom romp more enjoyable for your spouse and facilitates the fun! 

2. What do you consider be-foreplay?

Some people need certain things to be in place before the room starts rockin’ – perfectly normal. That’s be-foreplay

Do the dishes have to be dried and put away, the bedroom door double-locked, or a fresh coat of WD-40 applied to the bed frame? Discussing this helps you be more aware of what helps your spouse get in the mood and what you can do to make that happen. 

3. What is off the table? (And what’s on the table… if you know what I mean…)

Part of what makes sex in your marriage so adventuresome are the different things you can try. A new position, a new location, a new piece of lingerie, a new piece of furniture… Discuss what you are open to and what isn’t in the cards for your love life. 

4. How does stress affect sex for you? 

Some people have to feel de-stressed before the lovemaking commences. Others de-stress when they have sex. One isn’t any better than the other. But knowing where your spouse is on the spectrum helps you set the tone.

5. We have different interest levels in sex. How do we meet in the middle with that? 

It’s normal for two people in a marriage to have different sex drives. But often, it goes unaddressed, and frustrations can quickly build. 

  • Who has the more active libido? 
  • How can one of you let the other down gently when you don’t want to have sex, and how can you assure them you’re looking forward to the next time? 
  • What are your expectations as a couple as to how often you have sex? 

Discussing these kinds of questions helps put you on the same page in how you approach intimacy and improving your sex life. 

6. What makes me insecure about sex? 

Whether big or small, we all have insecurities about the sexual part of our marriage.

  • I don’t know if I can be kinky or seductive enough for him. 
  • I’m not sure I will last long enough for her. 
  • How do I compare with popular standards of beauty or body type? 
  • Am I a failure if my spouse doesn’t climax every time? 

Call these insecurities out together; work to put each other’s insecurities to rest as you affirm each other. 

7. How has sex changed in our marriage over time? 

Marriage goes through seasons, and your sexual relationship can change as well. 

  • How have these seasons affected your love life? 
  • Have big life events like job changes, moves, grief, or mental health struggles had an impact? 
  • What effect have children had on sex? 

Talking about this helps you work through oncoming seasons of marriage to keep your love life alive and active. 

A final word of wisdom: Sometimes, these conversations will be fun, lighthearted, even hilarious. Don’t be afraid to laugh about sex. Other times, your discussions will carry a more serious tone. Some topics can be heavy and difficult to discuss. Either way, talking about sex in your marriage benefits your marriage. And the best way to get the most benefit is to make it an ongoing discussion. It’s healthy to have sex regularly in your marriage, so doesn’t it stand to reason that you should talk about sex regularly? Talk it up, ask yourselves these questions, and watch your sex life improve! 

Other helpful blogs:

How to Talk About Sex in Marriage

3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage

3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage

4 Reasons Why Sex Matters In Marriage

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