3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage

Being a better talker and listener can give you better everything else.
By Chris Ownby
December 1, 2020

What if I told you you could say some magic words that would take your sex life to the next level in your marriage? 

Let’s try it. Ready? Say them aloud slowly and clearly: 


Did it work? 

Probably not. Magic words don’t really work that way.

But there’s good news! There is something that can bring your marital sex life to the next level! (And it’s magical, in a sense!) Communication. 

Lots of research has shown us how communication and sexual satisfaction in marriage are positively linked.

How you talk to each other could determine how fulfilling your bedroom activities are. Here’s why: 

  • Good communication in marriage is conditional; it depends on using effective communication skills in a healthy way.
  • Good marital sex is conditional; it depends on setting the right atmosphere that good communication provides. 

Public Service Announcement: We have to make a distinction between good marital sex and, well, just sex. Any couple can “do the deed.” No communication needed for that. But you do need healthy communication for you and your spouse to have fulfilling, satisfying, amazing, bring-two-bodies-and-two-hearts-together-makes-our-marriage-stronger kind of sex.

I think you get the picture…

So, with that simple but very important concept in mind, here are three ways good communication can enhance sex in marriage: 

1. Good communication gives you a greater sense of connection, closeness, trust, and intimacy, which spells out better sex later on. Good communication is great foreplay. 

Author and speaker Dr. Gary Chapman tells us that, because satisfying marital sex depends so much on other areas in our marriage being healthy, foreplay doesn’t begin once you hop into bed. It starts way before. It’s how you handled that tough morning conversation, the deep discussion you had over coffee, the laughter you shared. All of these interactions throughout the day set the stage for what happens in the bedroom at night. 

Put It Into Practice! Read up on some resources for more meaningful conversations in your marriage, including this and this. If you want to go into a deep dive for deeper communication, work through this fun online communication course as a couple.

2. Good communication increases vulnerability. Baring it helps you bare it all! 

“Bear” with me on this (pun totally intended). 

Marital sex is often a reflection of how other relationship exchanges with our spouse go down, including how you communicate. So, if your points of communication include moments when you feel like you can “bare it all,” (you can share your true feelings, thoughts, and needs) then this helps you to feel more vulnerable and open in the bedroom. It increases your ability to feel secure with your body and to “let go” a little when having a fun romp with your spouse. 

Put It Into Practice! Incorporate “deeper level” questions into your conversations:

  • What are the top 3 things you need from me in our relationship?
  • What is a dream you would love to see fulfilled (no matter how unrealistic)?
  • Who’s had the greatest influence on you as a person? 
  • When do you feel the most loved by me? 

3. Good communication about sex can enhance sex. So… talking about sex leads to better sex! 

Studies tell us sexual communication among couples—discussing what they like, what they don’t like, what’s a turn-on, what positions they enjoy, and so on—is linked to satisfying marital sex. 

Couples often need to work through the awkwardness they might feel with sexual communication. It’s important to remember this is a process. The more you engage in sexual communication, the more natural it becomes. Sexual communication both increases connectedness and improves what goes on in the bedroom. 

Put It Into Practice! Schedule a regular weekly time to talk about sex. Focus on a specific question each time, like: 

  • What gets you in the mood? 
  • Which things turn you on about me?
  • What positions feel the best for you? 
  • What kind of foreplay (besides good communication, of course!) sets the stage for you? 
  • What’s something new you’d like to try in the bedroom?

There are no magic words you can just say to make sex more mind-blowing. But over time, the words you say, the communication you share between you and your spouse, can make marital sex more magical. Try some of these practices this week. Make them a habit and watch the magic move from words to the bedroom.

Great articles for improving your marital communication:

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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