Tired of Always Initiating Sex? Here’s What To Do!
In marriage, it’s common for one spouse to initiate sex more often. But if you’re the one every time, it can easily lead to resentment, frustration, and feeling undesirable or unwanted. If you’re there, it is not your fault. And it may not be your spouse’s fault either. Let’s take a look at steps you can take to get to a more balanced place in your marriage.
Identify any barriers.
There may be reasons your spouse doesn’t initiate sex. Here are some questions to consider. These aren’t to be taken lightly, either.
- Are there any underlying physical issues that make sex difficult? When is the last time your spouse has seen a doctor for a checkup?
- Does their view of themself make them feel less desirable?
- Are they under increased stress from work demands?
- Is this stage of parenting exhausting them?
- Do you two have differing views of when and where sex should happen?
- Is there sexual or physical trauma in their past?
- How was sex viewed in their home growing up?
The answer to all of these can help identify if there are barriers to your spouse initiating. They may want to initiate more often (as the previous research indicates many men and women do), but there may be a barrier that has nothing to do with you or your marriage.
Some of these barriers may require the help of a therapist or counselor. If your spouse is open to discussing these roadblocks with you, be supportive. Offer to walk with them in whatever way possible to help them find healing. We all want our spouses to be their best selves.
Have the right conversation.
Let’s proceed as if there aren’t any traumatic barriers. If you want your spouse to initiate more often, you have to tell them.1 I know this seems obvious, but sex isn’t always the most comfortable conversation, even for married people. Think back to those barriers; maybe your spouse grew up in an environment where sex was a taboo topic. Perhaps you did, too.
And maybe you have already tried to bring it up, and nothing has changed. Keep in mind, if your spouse isn’t a natural initiator, it will take time to make this change! Keep trying. And maybe try a few of the conversation starters below to get the right talk happening.
Ask your spouse…
“What is one way you like to show me you love me?”
“What’s your biggest turn-off and turn-on?”
“When I initiate sex, does it make you feel desirable?”
“What is one thing we can do to increase emotional intimacy in our marriage?”
“Do you ever feel like one of us should be taking the lead when it comes to initiating sex? Why or why not?”
Invest in a lifestyle of intimacy.
Did you know intimacy is about more than sex? Sexual intimacy is just one expression of an intimate relationship. There is also emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual intimacy. Living an intimate lifestyle means focusing on all of these. It’s about growing each type. A great starting point is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. We all speak a love language, and knowing your spouse’s language builds intimacy in your relationship.
When you invest in the other types of intimacy, sexual intimacy grows. You also feel more desired, seen, and loved when there is a holistic approach to intimacy.
Schedule sex.
Yes, schedule it. My wife and I are extremely busy with work and other commitments. Add two kids with their own schedules, and sex can easily take a back seat. Scheduling sex doesn’t make it boring; it can actually enhance it by building anticipation. Agree on how often you both want to have sex and put it on the calendar. You can also determine who initiates, so the pressure and guesswork are off. This gives you both freedom to express yourself.
Set realistic expectations.
Every marriage goes through seasons. And in some seasons, sex may be difficult for one or both of you. Be gracious with your spouse. If both of you are committed to an intimate marriage, you can navigate those times when sex isn’t feasible. Focus on those other areas of intimacy and be there to support one another through difficult times. When you walk hand in hand, helping each other through the ups and downs of marriage, your passion will grow.
Take other possibilities into account.
It’s very possible that your spouse really never does initiate sex. But it’s also possible that they initiate differently than you! Are their cues so subtle or different that you have missed them?
There are two types of sexual initiation: direct and indirect. Direct is, well, direct. This could be telling your spouse you want to have sex or physically touching them. Indirect is less obvious. Maybe it’s kissing them or complimenting their appearance. Research finds that indirect initiation is more common than direct.2 But, guess what! Direct is more effective. Maybe your spouse utilizes indirect initiation and it’s not as easy for you to recognize.
So, what do you do? You gotta talk about it. I know, I know, I’ve already said that. But communication increases connection.
Sexual intimacy is a vital part of your marriage. Protect and nurture it. Keep the conversation going in your marriage.
Additional reads:
How to Talk About Sex in Marriage
Be a More Supportive Spouse – First Things First
How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
Sources
1Curtis, Eddy, L., Ashdown, B. K., Feder, H., & Lower, T. (2012). Prelude to a coitus: Sexual initiation cues among heterosexual married couples. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.734604
2Gonzalez-Rivas, & Peterson, Z. D. (2020). Women’s Sexual Initiation in Same- and Mixed-Sex Relationships: How Often and How? https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2018.1489489
How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 2
Intimacy can be a scary word for some people, but it is an essential part of keeping romance strong in your marriage. We often think of intimacy as sex, but it’s so much more than that. It’s how we connect at the deepest levels. Connecting in one of the five types of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual) deepens the others. That’s totally a win for your relationship.
Ready to dive a little deeper into each type of intimacy and learn ways to pursue it? Let’s go!
1. Emotional intimacy happens through trust and vulnerability.
It’s about revealing yourself fully to your spouse.
How can you build emotional intimacy? For starters, be vulnerable with one another. Sharing your dreams, faults, fears, and hopes increases emotional intimacy. Each day, commit to really talking about your day and more. Ditching the technology and making eye contact can help you focus. It can help you grow emotionally closer, too.
2. Intellectual intimacy creates a space to share thoughts without fear of judgment.
Remember, you’re two people with different backgrounds and views. You may not always agree on everything. And that’s ok.
How can you build intellectual intimacy? Practice having conversations around challenging topics. This isn’t about changing each other’s minds; it’s about better understanding one another. Ask lots of questions to make sure you understand. Genuinely listen to what your partner says.
3. Experiential intimacy is what you get when sharing experiences.
Trips, adventures, hobbies – all those things you do together that bring you closer.
How can you build experiential intimacy? Do something together you both enjoy or try something new. Take a crafting class, go for a hike, kayaking, or a bike ride. Make a list of things one or both of you would like to do. Doing fun stuff together makes you want to do more, strengthening your bond.
4. Spiritual intimacy isn’t just about religion.
It’s about sharing values and beliefs. More than likely, you and your spouse share some core values. That may be part of what brought you together.
How can you build spiritual intimacy? Start by writing down your family values and beliefs. Look for ways to implement those.
5. Sexual intimacy seems pretty obvious. But getting to a place of sexual intimacy isn’t always easy.
If you aren’t connecting intimately in the other ways, this one can be pretty tricky (or non-existent). Physical and emotional changes, stress, and kids can impact this intimacy. This intimacy can also be difficult if there’s past trauma.
How can you build sexual intimacy? Have a conversation about your sexual needs and desires. Be open and talk about it. And schedule sex. Your calendar is full of appointments and activities, so why not add sex? When you prioritize it, you’re more likely to make it happen. Anticipating it can make it more enjoyable for you both, too. [How’s Your Sex Life Quiz]
Connecting with your spouse intimately in each of these ways can fuel the romance in your marriage.
Turn toward each other and talk honestly about how your relationship is going in each of these five areas. Learn each other’s intimacy needs. If you feel that one area needs work, focus on growing that intimacy together.
Keeping romance strong in your marriage takes intentionality and commitment from both of you to make it happen. Taking small steps toward each other every day can keep you from getting overwhelmed. And seeing your romance blossom can motivate you to stay the course.
Other blogs:
6 Exercises to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Course: Discover Deeper Intimacy – INTRO – First Things First
How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 1
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, but the romance doesn’t have to end. For some, the weeks leading up to and away from the “love holiday” are filled with romantic gestures. Others may have lost that loving feeling. Maybe the romance has faded in your marriage. Life gets hectic, and we lose focus. Work demands increase. Kids bring on a whole new level of exhaustion. Our relationship becomes routine.
Routines don’t have to ruin your romance, though. You can always rekindle that fire, and with a bit of intentionality, you and your spouse can keep the romance strong.
Here are a few ways to get started:
1. Keep dating your spouse.
Remember what it was like when you were dating, before you got married? The long walks holding hands? The intimate conversations while getting to know each other? Prioritizing your budding relationship? Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that all has to stop. Your relationship probably needs those dates now more than ever. Put those date nights on the calendar and prioritize them. Hold hands often. Treat the person you married the same as you treated them when you were falling in love. [This date night can help!]
2. Study your spouse.
We are constantly growing as individuals. Our opinions and views evolve. There’s always something to learn about your spouse. If you don’t know their love language, that’s a great place to start. Your love language is the way that you receive love. Dr. Gary Chapman says there are five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. We all have a love language (or two) that we prefer. Get to know your spouse, but don’t stop there. Keep learning and pursuing them. Curiosity is a beautiful thing in a relationship.
3. Surprise and delight your spouse.
Leave notes in their lunch, car, or on the bathroom mirror. Text them throughout the day just to say I love you. Surprise them with their favorite drink. Use the knowledge you gained from studying them to speak their love language. Maybe that means taking on some of their household chores or responsibilities so they can relax and recharge. Looking for ways to surprise your spouse shows them they are on your mind, and their feelings are a priority.
4. Commit to pursuing intimacy in all its forms.
It’s common to equate intimacy with sex, but it’s so much more than that. Intimacy is our innermost thoughts and feelings. It allows us to bond with each other on several levels. While many healthy relationships involve intimacy, marriage should be the most intimate. Your spouse should know you more deeply than anyone else.
There are five types of intimacy: emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual. Focusing on each one increases the others. Continual conversation is a necessity to grow your intimacy as well.
Start the conversation with your spouse about these ways to keep romance strong in your marriage.
If you’re ready to dive into each type of intimacy and find out how to build it in your relationship, let’s take a deeper look and talk about practical ways to grow your intimacy in How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 2.
Other blogs:
4 Signs Your Marriage Is Healthy – First Things First
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life – First Things First
What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage? (And Why Does It Matter?) – First Things First
5 Ways to Make this Valentine’s Special
Valentine’s Day is special. It’s a day of love – a day to shower our significant other with flowers, gifts, and romance. The expectations can be overwhelming. But the day doesn’t have to be.
It’s a day for the two of you, so make it memorable in your own way. It may mean a night out on the town or an intimate night in.
Focusing on what makes your spouse feel loved is what makes it memorable.
Here are 5 ways to make this Valentine’s special:
1. Tell your spouse 10 ways they’re a great partner.
It’s easy to take for granted all the ways your spouse is remarkable. Life’s busy, and we forget to express our gratitude to each other. Take this Valentine’s to tell them just how great they are, but it doesn’t have to be confined to a card. Get creative in the delivery. Here are a few ideas for how to express your feelings.
- Leave Post-it notes around the house. Hide them in places like their underwear drawer, work bag, or shoes. After the first few notes, it gets exciting to figure out where the rest are.
- Give them a note a day for 10 days. If they take their lunch to work, that’s a great place to hide them. Or on the bathroom mirror if you wake up before they do.
- Employ the kids as messengers. Let them get creative.
2. Ditch the fancy dinner for a food tour.
Mix it up for dinner this year. Instead of making a reservation for dinner, select a part of town with several restaurants and make it a food tour. Have appetizers and drinks at one location, pick a different spot for the main course, then head for dessert and coffee. If the restaurants are close together, you can go for a nice walk as well.
This creates the perfect opportunity to explore what each of you likes. You can alternate picking locations. As you transition from one location to another, talk about what you like about that particular place or food. Smells and tastes have the power to transport us to a time and place in our past. Explore those sensations together.
3. Take a scenic drive.
Make a playlist and hit the road. There’s nothing more I love than driving through the countryside and talking. One rule, though: Ditch the phones! (Okay, let me specify. You may need GPS or music but no social media, texting, or phone calls.)Take in all the scenery and have some deep conversations. My wife and I have the deepest conversations when we’re out driving.
4. Tour your local area.
Have you explored all of your city? Are there places you want to visit but never have? Think of this as a scavenger hunt without the clues. Choose a couple of sites each, then surprise each other with the locations.
Here’s a couple of ideas to make this special:
- Choose places significant to your relationship, like your first date, where you met, or your first kiss. You can revisit those memories and talk about how you’ve grown.
- Choose an area you’ve never visited, but you’d like to. Go for a walk and discover the food, stores, and parks in the area. Talk about what you find. You may just find your new favorite place!
5. Make intimacy a priority.
Before you think, “Of course, he said make sex a priority,” read that again. The Oxford dictionary defines intimacy as “the inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.”
Intimacy comes in different forms, too. Yes, there’s sexual intimacy, but that’s only one form. There’s also emotional, intellectual, physical, experiential, and spiritual intimacy.
We all need intimacy. And your needs may be different from your spouse’s. That’s okay! Part of marriage is learning about and discovering each other. So make it a priority to get more intimate with your spouse. [Boost your intimacy with this Heart to Heart text series!]
Make this Valentine’s even more special by committing to celebrate your love throughout the year. Be intentional about studying your spouse and growing closer together every day.
Other blogs:
What is “Romance” in Marriage? – First Things First
Why Date Night Matters – First Things First
5 Tips To Keep Sex Healthy In Your Marriage
How’d you get stuck in a sex rut? It’s just life. It’s normal and to be expected. More importantly, how do you get out? You know, fun, passionate, surprising, and playful sex!
Here are some tips to keep sex healthy, hot, and happenin’ in your marriage.
1. Talk About Sex.
This is the gateway right here. Many people just aren’t comfortable talking about sex with their spouse. Create an environment where it’s safe for both of you to be honest and vulnerable about your sexual thoughts and feelings. Easier said than done? Probably.
Here You Go:
Option 1. Make a game out of it. Sexual Truth Or Dare.
Option 2. The internet. Is full of questions. To help couples. Get talking. About sex.
Pro-Tip: Keep it positive. No complaining. No judgments. Take turns listening.
2. But What About The Kids?
Isn’t it ironic that you (typically) have kids by having sex, but by having kids, it’s harder to have sex? Again, totally normal, but Kids-In-The-House-Sex: Quick. Muffled. Vanilla. It’s like Splenda. Sure, it’s sweet, but it’s not that pure raw sugar.
The Workaround:
Option 1. Hotel Sex. It doesn’t have to be a vacation or your anniversary. It can be because it’s Thursday and you have a babysitter. You don’t even have to go out of town or somewhere nice. Make it part of the family budget. Best money you’ll spend. Repeat a couple of times a year.
Option 2. Stay-At-Home Synchronized Sick Days. Or take vacation days. Go through your typical morning routines and dress for work. Take the kids to school or daycare like a typical weekday. Nothing going on here. Then meet back at the house. Take your time. It’s not all about sex. Talk through some “get to know you” questions. Go for a walk, then shower together. Have a great day of which sex is just a part.
Pro-Tip: Tell your spouse to take such and such day off. (Don’t tell them why. Plan a fun day.)
3. Don’t Have Sex. Yet.
Anticipation is a powerful stimulant.
Wait For It:
Option 1. Agree to have sex in 24 hours. Spend that time flirting. Leaving love letters. Texting what you’re looking forward to doing. Engaging in some non-sexual touch. Teasing. Then, finally, pleasing.
Option 2. Same as above, but 72 hours. (Yup.) Crank up that sexual tension. Enjoy it. Don’t neglect the biggest human sexual organ — the mind. Have some great conversations. Do some fun things together. Strengthen your bond. Talk about your relationship.
Pro-Tip: Put your energy into connecting with your spouse in non-sexual ways. Pressure, or wondering if sex is on the table, is off the table. (But you know it’s coming.) Get emotionally intimate in the meantime. When you do connect sexually, it will be more profound.
4. Roll Play.
Equipment Needed: Two dice. You. Your spouse.
The Roll Rules:
Option 1. First dice: (1.) Caress. (2.) Kiss. (3.) Tickle. (4.) Lick. (5.) Nibble. (6.) Roller’s Choice. Second dice: (1.) Neck. (2.) Hands. (3.) Mouth. (4.) Chest. (5.) Tummy. (6.) ???
Roll the dice, feel something nice. Time limit per roll? Hey, this is your game.
Option 2. (I think you can see how this game lends itself to modification.)
Pro-Tip: Roller with the highest score after 4 rounds gets to “make a request.”
5. Play Doctor.
Sorry, not THAT playing doctor. Have weekly or monthly “check-ups” or “check-ins.” Coming full circle, talking about it is the best way to improve sex and keep it healthy in your marriage. Connecting on levels beyond the physical enhances sex. Connected couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives. Talk honestly about your sexual health. Discuss sexual frequency. Talk about what’s working and what might need to be modified.
Don’t turn to the internet with questions like, “How much sex should couples have?” Turn to your spouse. Sex is best when you don’t just focus on “doing it,” but doing life well together.
Other helpful blogs:
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life
10 Dates to Heat Up Your Marriage This Summer
Ready to raise the temp in your relationship with some hot summer date nights? These 10 dates to heat your marriage during this summer of love can really turn up the thermostat in your relationship. (And you won’t even want to cool off.)
1. Be a Kid Again
When I think of my childhood summers, I remember endless games of tag and hide and seek. Now we have adult responsibilities that prevent us from being footloose and fancy-free. How can you bring some of that joy back? Be a kid again. Activities can include mini-golf, bowling, roller skating, and visiting an amusement park or an arcade.
2. Group Date Nights
Remember when you used to hang out with your friends? It may have been at the mall, a park, or the local eatery. Nothing was better than spending time with your friends, talking, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Get a group of your favorite married couples together. Go on a walking tour of your town, go ax throwing, or even participate in an escape room together.
3. Retro Date night
You know the saying, “What’s old is new again.” Think about the clothes, music, or hairstyles from the past. Find a thrift shop with clothes from the 50s, 60s, 70s, or 80s. Select an outfit for each of you. Host your own Retro Date Night with friends, or you all can dress up and have a date like they would have had in the past. For example, 50s Date: Go to a drive-in movie and then hit a hamburger spot or ice cream shop where you can share a milkshake.
4. Future Date Dight
Think about what your life might look like in 30 years. Would you be retired? Would you own that boat or lake house you’ve dreamed about? Would you have grandchildren? Would you have an RV? Try renting an RV and go camping near your home. Or go ahead and rent a lake house for the weekend.
5. Enjoy Your Town
You may have lived in your town for years but have never experienced it like a tourist. It may be fun to go on a walking tour. Enjoy the sights and sounds of a local farmer’s market.
6. Try out a First Things First Date Night!
We’ve got a long list of great date nights that all can be done for free and at home! [If you have kids, you won’t even need to hire a sitter. Just start after the kids go to bed and enjoy an intentional night together.] From learning how to Salsa to baking an apple pie together, you and your spouse can rekindle that spark without ever leaving the house!
7. Music of Your Life
Do you and your honey have a song? This summer may be a great time to take in an outdoor concert. One of my favorite local concerts is when our local symphony plays on the 4th of July. Classical may not be your favorite. However, see if your town has music festivals or local artists playing your favorite genres. “Sometimes music is the only medicine the heart and soul need.”
8. Expand Your Mind
Maybe the thought of heat or crowds of people doesn’t seem fun. Instead, you may enjoy quieter moments together where you stimulate your brain, the largest sex organ in the body. Seek out art or history museums. If your town has public art, find it. Go see a play performed by a theater group. Find and watch a lecture by your favorite poet or writer.
9. On the Road Again
Take a short drive, a weekend trip to the beach, or even a planned 2-week road trip that allows you to see and experience something other than the ordinary. While together, be conscious of talking to each other and not spending so much time on your phone or device. If you feel you have run out of things to talk about, here are a few conversation starters.
10. Let’s Get Physical
Being physical with your spouse creates a deeper level of intimacy and greater bonding with each other. Participate in a virtual race and train together. Or, take any outdoor exercise class like walking, yoga, kayaking, etc. (If you run out of ideas, you can always do a bedroom date!)
Let this be your summer of love!
Other helpful blogs:
3 Great Dates To Enhance Communication In Your Marriage
5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Fit
6 Exercises to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life
How to Have More Sex in Marriage
I know it ain’t easy to keep things rolling in the bedroom.
Life happens. Marriage goes through seasons of busyness and stress. Not to mention—one of you may be “in the mood” or tired more often than the other. And finding time to have more sex may not be at the top of your list.
But healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is a good thing. It can enhance and stimulate other parts of your marriage, like emotional intimacy, too. And vice versa. (Related: 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage)
But if there’s conflict, well… chances are, sparks aren’t flying in the B-E-D.
So then… how do you go about having more sex? Here are some thoughts:
1. Don’t make more sex the goal.
Wait, what?! Isn’t the title of this article How to Have More Sex? Yes, but here’s the deal.
Quantity and quality are not the same. And sexual intimacy doesn’t equal emotional intimacy, either.
Emotional intimacy involves understanding each other. Learning and growing together. Caring for and knowing each other well. When each spouse feels valued and understood, that closeness translates into a more satisfying sex life for you both. (Try these 6 exercises to strengthen emotional intimacy.)
Quality sex is where emotional and sexual intimacy meet. It means realizing what goes on in the day to day affects how much you enjoy your sexual experiences. Don’t underestimate the impact that considering your spouse’s needs in AND out of the bedroom can have on your sexual fulfillment.
So what is your goal? It’s being aware and working toward that emotional connectedness, which naturally leads to (you guessed it!) some pretty awesome sex. Who doesn’t want more of that?
(Up your Emotional Intimacy IQ here: What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage and Why Does It Matter?)
2. Don’t let your kids get in the way.
We’ve all been there: the heat is rising in the bedroom when KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK… “Mommy? Daddy? I can’t sleep. I’m thirsty.“
And just like that, the mood is shot.
No doubt, kids can unintentionally hinder sexual intimacy. Over the years, my wife and
I have established a lockdown procedure.
Lock door. ✅
Minimize the noise level. ✅. (There’s a closet door close that rattles if it’s not cracked. TMI? Well, now you know…)
If my wife thinks our activity could draw our kids’ attention, the deal’s off the table. Can you relate?
So, set up some lockdown rules.
- Install locks.
- Teach your kids that the bedroom is your room, and knocking is required.
- Establish “closing time” for both your bedroom and you; if it’s after closing time, don’t drop by. (Double Bonus: Kids learn respect and boundaries.)
If they’re old enough, you might bribe your kids to leave the house sometimes. Here’s a dollar; if you go play in the yard and don’t come in for half an hour, I’ll give you another.
Or, if you’re like a friend of mine, throw 99 pennies in the backyard and tell the kids they can’t come in the house until they find all 100 of them. ; )
3. Talk about sex (more).
Studies tell us that couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives.
- What turns each of you on or off? I mean, what if you’re doing something you think your spouse LOVES, but they don’t (or the other way around)?
- That thing they did that drove you crazy? Tell them.
- Discuss your favorite positions or things you’d like to do that you’ve never done.
- Send a sexy text, write a racy Post-it note or leave a steamy voicemail to build anticipation for your next rendezvous.
These ideas can be beneficial if one of you is more like a crockpot that needs to simmer and get ready for sexy time. If one of you is more like the Instant Pot, building up the pressure beforehand will make the release that much sweeter when it’s time to get down to business.
4. Schedule it.
Seriously, get a room. Or find a sitter. Have some “alone” time that works for both of you.
- Getting the kids to bed is a great incentive if you know prime time comes afterward.
- Are your kids late sleepers? Just might be worth it to be the early bird.
- Kids in school? You won’t have to worry about interruptions or those lockdown procedures if you take a long lunch here and there… just sayin’.
5. Get busy with dates.
Couples who have regular date nights report greater happiness. It’s true!
- Use what you learned from your sex talks to creatively plan something new and exciting for each other. Finding ways to please each other outside of the bedroom can help you score inside the bedroom.
- Invest in conversation and activities that help you connect more deeply.
- Plan it or be spontaneous! Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be expensive, but NOT dating your spouse can cost you some of the closeness you crave. (These date nights can make it easier!)
Doing these things will not only improve the quality of sex you have—it also sets you up for more frequent romps. You’ll be well on your way to more (and better) sex.
So what are you waiting for? Don’t you have some lockdown procedures to take care of?
More Resources:
How to Talk About Sex in Marriage
Awkwardness. Uncertainty. Embarrassment. Shame. These common emotions (and others) can keep married couples from talking about sex. You’re not alone if talking about sex with your spouse is uncomfortable. But let’s get real: you’re more likely to have satisfying sex if you talk about it together.
Most couples want to enjoy their sex life, but learning how to talk about intimacy in your marriage can take it to the next level if it’s not where you want it to be. The experts agree. So do most couples who’ve found a way to make the uncomfortable a little more comfortable.
So, how do you talk about sex in your marriage in a sexual-healing-kinda way?
1. Make the sex talk a priority.
It may be uncomfortable or awkward. You may have baggage (most of us do). Your feelings are real, but don’t let your emotions keep you from having a better sex life.
2. Pick a good time to talk.
This isn’t the time to surprise your spouse. Calmly say something like, “I’d like for us to talk about some ways we can improve our sex life. When do you think would be good?” Initiating the topic will give your spouse time to get ready to talk. Then, nail down a time.
*Note: Many experts speak against having this conversation in the bedroom. Take a walk in a park. Sit in a coffee shop. Send the kids outside and find a cozy spot at home.*
3. Eliminate distractions.
This may already be a delicate topic, so you’ll want to be fully engaged and tuned in to each other—no cell phones. And set aside plenty of time.
4. Be specific about your goal.
Maybe you could start with, “I want us to have the best sex life we can have. I’d like for us to talk about understanding each other’s sexual needs.” (You could also say, 🎵🎵 “Let’s talk about sex, Baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be…” 🎵🎵 Thank you, Salt-N-Pepa!)
The Gottman Institute reminds us, “The less direct you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it.” Tell each other what you want (what you really, really want)!
5. Don’t rush the conversation.
Your spouse may need time to think and express their thoughts, feelings, and desires. Be patient. This leads us to the next point.
6. This isn’t a one-and-done conversation.
You don’t know how many times I’ve replayed conversations with my wife because I thought of something later that would help her understand me. I’m sure she’s done the same. You won’t cover everything in one talk.
7. Listen to understand.
Feeling valued will always be a part of having good lovemaking experiences in your marriage. One way to ensure your partner feels like they matter is to genuinely try to understand them.
8. Encouraging and positive statements will go further than critical or negative ones.
For example, “I like it when you do this” is more helpful than “I hate it when you do this.” Or saying, “I need this from you,” is probably more effective than, “You don’t meet my needs in this way.” Think “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Talking about sex is not about being right or wrong. It’s about sharing what works, what you like, and what helps you both have fulfilling sexual experiences. Respecting each other’s differences is a must. Different is not deficient—it’s just different.
The more you talk, the better you connect, the less uncomfortable it becomes, and the clearer you’ll understand one another. As the experts say, talking about sex in your marriage increases the likelihood that you’ll be doing something worth talking about later on. But shhh, we don’t kiss and tell.
More great stuff to read about sex in your relationship:
- 3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex in Your Marriage
- 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage
- 3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage
- 10 Things Every Married Couple Needs to Know About Sex
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
