Tag Archive for: Communication

When and How to Discuss Tragedies With Your Children

The other night, my 6-year-old son looked up from his peanut butter sandwich and asked, “Mom, what’s going on in that place called Gaza? Everybody is talking about it.” I paused, mid-bite, suddenly aware that his little ears had caught news from the TV at his grandparents’ house.

It’s a question many of us face:

When is the right time to talk to our kids about the hard stuff—the floods, wars, tornadoes, or tragedies that fill the headlines?

And just as important, how do we respond when they find out before we’ve had a chance to prepare them?

As a mom of two, and a professional focused on helping families thrive, I’ve learned that the answer isn’t always clear.

But experts agree on one thing: the best conversations start not with the what, but with the who. Who is your child? What’s their age, their temperament, their understanding of the world?

For little ones like my daughter, under age 3, less is more. They don’t need to know details; they need to know they’re safe and loved. If they catch a glimpse of something scary—an image on TV, a worried tone in our voice—we can say something simple like, “Yes, something happened far away, but we’re okay. And helpers are taking care of it.”

As kids get older, they start to absorb more than we realize—especially from school, siblings, or even YouTube ads you didn’t know autoplayed. With children between the ages of 4 and 8, it helps to start by asking what they’ve heard. “What do you know about what happened?” is a good place to begin. That way, you can gently correct any misunderstandings and address fears without offering more than they need.

And when we do explain, we should be honest—but gentle. We can say, “There was a big storm in another part of the country, and some people got hurt. It’s really sad. But there are lots of people helping.” Sharing basic facts without overwhelming them is key. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, reassurance and emotional support go much further than detailed explanations. They also recommend turning off the TV and avoiding graphic images whenever possible. Kids don’t need a front-row seat to trauma.

Another thing I’ve learned—both from research and from bedtime conversations with my own kids—is that children take their emotional cues from us. If we seem frantic, they’ll feel scared. But if we stay calm and tell the truth with love, they learn it’s okay to feel sad or confused. It’s okay not to have all the answers. In fact, “I don’t know, but I’m here,” might be one of the most comforting things we can say.

When children seem especially affected—clingy, anxious, having nightmares—it might help to create small rituals of safety. Extra snuggles at bedtime. A favorite blanket. Drawing pictures. Or, for older kids, taking action: donating toys, writing a thank-you card to first responders, or simply saying a prayer for those affected. According to Ann Masten, a resilience research professor at the University of Minnesota‘s Institute of Child Development, even young kids can grow stronger through hardship when they have stable relationships, chances to help, and ways to process their feelings.

Of course, we can’t prepare for every question, and we can’t shield our kids from every headline.

But we can be their safe place—the calm in the chaos.

We can turn off the TV and turn toward them. We can hold their hands and help them make sense of a world that, yes, is sometimes scary—but also full of helpers, hope, and healing.

So next time your child asks about the storm, the war, or the thing they overheard in the school hallway, take a breath. Sit with them. Let their questions lead. And remind them—out loud and often—that no matter what happens in the world, they are not alone.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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How to Help Young Kids Grow More Independent 

My almost two-year-old daughter insists on putting her shoes on “by MY-self.” It takes five full minutes, a mild meltdown, and one backward sandal, but she makes it happen. Meanwhile, her six-year-old brother loves to “make his own breakfast”—which, in his world, means putting jelly on bread and pouring his own oatmilk.

Was it messy? Yes.
Did they feel proud? Absolutely.
Was I tempted to take over? Definitely.

But here’s the thing: learning how to do things on their own—even simple stuff—is how kids build confidence, responsibility, and problem-solving skills.

And that’s what healthy independence is all about.

What exactly is “healthy independence” for children? It’s not about turning kids loose or expecting them to do grown-up things. It’s about giving them room to try, make mistakes, and learn.

A child with healthy independence:

  • Tries new things (even if they’re hard)
  • Makes small choices on their own
  • Feels proud of what they can do
  • Knows they can always come back to you for help

Erik Erikson, an ego psychologist who developed one of the most popular and influential theories of human development, explained that kids go through different stages as they grow. For toddlers, the goal is to learn autonomy (doing things for themselves). For preschoolers, it’s about taking initiative (making decisions, solving problems). If we constantly jump in or say “no”  or take over to limit the mess and speed up the process, kids might start to doubt themselves instead of growing into capable little humans.

Here are a few ways parents can foster healthy independence in their child:

1. Let them try (even if it’s slower). It takes longer to let your child zip their jacket or stir pancake batter, but it teaches them important life skills. Experts call this “scaffolding”—you help a little at first, then step back when they’re ready.

2. Let them mess up (kindly). Kids need chances to fail in safe ways. When your child spills water while pouring it, instead of scolding, say, “Oops! Let’s grab a towel together.” This helps them learn without feeling ashamed. According to the Child Mind Institute, this kind of encouragement builds resilience and confidence.

3. Give simple choices. Instead of saying, “Get dressed,” try “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one?” Giving small options helps kids feel in control without overwhelming them. The National Association for the Education of Young Children recommends giving kids choices in order to support independence.

4. Let them play freely. Kids learn so much through unstructured play. It teaches creativity, social skills, and self-control. Give them time to play outside, build forts, or make up games—without always jumping in to direct.

5. Be warm, but set boundaries. Researchers have found that the best parenting style is one that’s loving and firm. Let your child make choices, but also have clear rules. For example: “You can play outside after you clean up your toys.” This helps them understand that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.

If you’re worried your young child isn’t on track to build a healthy independence, here are some questions to think about:

  • Do I give my child chances to try things for themselves?
  • Do I let them make safe mistakes?
  • Do I offer choices, not just commands?
  • Do I let them play freely?
  • Am I loving, but still clear about the rules?

If you answered “yes” to most of these, you’re probably doing great. And even if you didn’t—good news: it’s never too late to start.

Helping your child become more independent doesn’t mean they need less of you.

In fact, kids are more likely to take healthy risks when they feel safe and connected to a parent. That’s why strong, loving relationships matter so much.

So when your toddler insists on doing it “all by MY-self,” or your bigger kid wants to pour their own milk—pause before jumping in. Let them try. Cheer them on. Help if they ask. These small moments are how they learn to believe in themselves.

And one day, when they’re facing something really hard—like a school project, a tricky friendship, or even learning to drive—they’ll remember what it feels like to try, fail, succeed, and keep going. Because you gave them that gift.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sticky kitchen and a toddler with her shoes on the wrong feet. And honestly? I’ve never been more proud.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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The Surprising Subject That’s Missing from Our Kids’ Lives

The other night, my six-year-old son asked, “Can something be true for one person but not for another?” And just like that, between spaghetti and bedtime, we stumbled into philosophy.

I know—it sounds like something best left to college kids with thick glasses and lots of coffee. But recent research says otherwise. In fact, teaching philosophy to kids might be one of the best ways to help them think more clearly, speak more confidently, and understand the world around them. Even better? It doesn’t require fancy lessons or textbooks. Just a little curiosity and a lot of listening.

Philosophy is all about asking big questions and thinking deeply about them. Questions like: What’s right and wrong?, What makes something real?, Why do we do what we do?

It’s not about having the right answers. It’s about learning to ask smart questions, listen to others, and explain your thinking.

And yes, even young kids can do this. They already do—every time they ask “Why?” five times in a row.

According to a recent article from OK Diario, philosophy is one of the best subjects for sharpening kids’ minds. In places where it’s taught, students do better in reading, writing, and math. But here in the U.S., it’s hardly ever part of the school day.

Why? A few reasons. Schools focus so much on testing that there’s little time for open-ended thinking. And some adults assume kids aren’t ready for deep ideas—but the research suggests that’s just not true. Research shows children who study philosophy become better thinkers, kinder classmates, and more confident speakers.

So if it’s so helpful, how can we bring it back?

You don’t need a degree in ancient thinkers to get started. Philosophy can happen anywhere—on the way to school, at dinner, or during storytime. The key is to welcome questions and let your child do the thinking.

When your child asks a big question—like “What happens when we die?” or “Why do some people lie?”—try this:

  • Ask what they think. Instead of giving an answer, say, “That’s a great question. What do you think?”
  • Listen. Let them talk without jumping in right away. Sometimes just saying things out loud helps kids understand their own thoughts.
  • Wonder with them. You can say, “Hmm, I’m not sure either. Let’s think about it together.”

Even toddlers can join in. My daughter, who’s almost two, recently said, “Moon sad.” I didn’t correct her—I asked, “Why do you think the moon is sad?” Her answer? “It’s alone.” Philosophical gold. 

In a world full of quick opinions and loud arguments, kids who can think deeply and speak kindly have a big advantage. Philosophy helps them pause, reflect, and connect with others. It doesn’t just build brains—it builds better people.

So next time your child asks a big question—or even a weird one—lean in. You might just find yourself in the middle of a thoughtful, funny, meaningful conversation. And that’s something no app or worksheet can teach.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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Do Similarities Attract in Romantic Relationships?

Some say opposites attract. Others argue that similarity is the glue. So which is it?

Turns out, science is siding with the “birds of a feather” crowd. A massive meta-analysis of 313 studies found that both actual and perceived similarity increase attraction between people. Perceived similarity (thinking we’re alike) helps in early dating, but actual similarity (being alike) becomes more important as time goes on.

And it’s not just attraction.

Research consistently shows that couples who share values—like faith, family priorities, financial goals, or life purpose—experience more satisfaction and fewer conflicts.

That alignment creates a sense of shared direction, which is especially grounding during life’s bigger storms (like teething toddlers or unexpected job changes).

It’s not just values. Similarity in personality traits also plays a meaningful role. Couples who are on the same wavelength when it comes to traits like openness, agreeableness, and emotional stability tend to report greater relationship quality.

Let me break that down practically: If you’re someone who craves structure and calm, and your partner thrives in chaos and impulse, you might find yourselves out of sync when life gets stressful. On the other hand, if you both tend to process stress similarly—whether that’s with humor, reflection, or a shared bowl of mint chip ice cream—you’re more likely to feel supported, understood, and, frankly, less annoyed at each other when things go sideways.

Another factor in the “does similarity matter” equation is how well you read and respond to each other’s emotions. Empathic accuracy—that ability to understand what your partner is feeling and needing—has been linked to healthier day-to-day interactions, especially after disagreements.

This doesn’t mean you need to be carbon copies emotionally. But having a shared emotional rhythm, or at least mutual respect for each other’s rhythms, can help couples de-escalate conflict, reconnect faster, and reduce emotional exhaustion.

In the “Hall house” with two little kids and two big careers, this kind of harmony isn’t just helpful—it’s holy.

Now, being similar doesn’t mean you have to enjoy all the same hobbies or finish each other’s sentences (although that can be cute). Research on what psychologists call the Michelangelo phenomenon reveals that the best relationships help us become better versions of ourselves. That happens when your partner supports your dreams and growth, even if they’re different from theirs.

So, it’s not always about matching interests—it’s about matching investments. It’s about being co-architects of the life you want to build together.

But let’s be honest—differences can be exciting. They keep things interesting and offer opportunities to learn from each other. (I married someone who loves to dream and vision, while I can organize a closet like it’s going on the cover of a magazine.) Research shows that differences might fuel the initial spark, but similarity often sustains the fire.

In other words, being wildly different can make dating thrilling—but being meaningfully similar makes a long-term partnership more sustainable.

I wouldn’t be where I am today—leading a mission-driven organization and parenting two little ones with a decent amount of joy and humor—without a partner who shares my foundational values. We approach conflict in similar ways, believe in the same bigger purpose, and know how to support each other without trying to change who the other person is.

Sure, we’re different in a million tiny ways. (Let’s just say one of us considers “on time” to mean five minutes early and the other thinks it means still finding their shoes.) But when it comes to how we see the world, raise our kids, and handle life’s curveballs, we’re solid. And that’s what counts.

So, does it matter if you’re similar? Yes—especially when it comes to your values, emotional style, and willingness to grow together. Similarity won’t solve every problem, but it gives you a shared language and rhythm for tackling life’s hardest and happiest moments.

Because when the baby’s up at 2 a.m. and your six-year-old is asking deep philosophical questions like “Do bugs have birthdays?”, it’s good to be in sync with the person beside you in the trenches. Even if they think you load the dishwasher all wrong.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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Bridging the Gap: When Mental Health Culture Meets Family History

Something interesting is happening around kitchen tables these days. Families are talking more openly about things that used to stay quietly tucked away—anxiety, boundaries, burnout, childhood wounds. Mental health culture has brought these topics out of the shadows and into everyday conversation.

That’s a good thing—mostly. But it’s also created a growing tension between generations.

Adult children are using new language to describe their experiences. They’re setting boundaries, processing trauma, and trying to parent differently. Meanwhile, many parents—especially those who raised kids in a time when emotions weren’t openly discussed—are struggling to keep up. Some feel blamed, misunderstood, or left out entirely.

This disconnect isn’t about bad intentions. It’s about different frameworks. And bridging the gap, while worth the effort, is far from easy.

Mental health awareness has grown significantly in recent decades, and therapy-informed language is now common among Millennials and Gen Z. Words like “emotional labor,” “gaslighting,” and “generational trauma” are part of regular conversation.

But research shows that this increased awareness sometimes leads to more—not less—conflict. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that while emotionally open communication improves individual well-being, it can cause friction when others aren’t operating from the same emotional playbook.

Older generations, often raised to “push through” or “keep it to yourself,” may feel confused or criticized when adult children bring up past pain or ask for emotional boundaries. And younger generations, wanting to heal, may struggle to understand why their parents seem resistant or defensive.

Avoiding these conversations altogether can lead to even deeper problems. A study from Cornell University found that unresolved family conflict is one of the top regrets people carry later in life. Estrangement, which was once rare, is becoming more common—nearly 1 in 4 Americans say they’ve cut off a close family member at some point.

In most cases, families don’t want to drift apart. They just don’t know how to talk across the emotional and cultural divides.

Here’s the hopeful part: families who do the hard work of navigating these tensions often emerge stronger.

Healthy conflict, handled with mutual respect, can deepen understanding and build trust. Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman, an expert in family estrangement and family therapy, notes that reconciliation is most successful when both sides are willing to reflect on their part and adjust expectations.

Adult children don’t need their parents to be perfect. Parents don’t need their children to forget the past. But both sides benefit when they can say, “I want to understand you, even if I don’t fully agree with you.”

If you’re a parent struggling with this tension in your relationship with your adult child, try these tools:

  • Ask questions before offering advice. When your child shares how they’re feeling or something they’re experiencing, posture yourself to listen rather than sharing. “What do you need from me right now?” goes a long way.
  • Don’t take boundaries personally. They’re often about the adult child’s needs for understanding and growth—not a rejection of your love.
  • Be open to learning. Therapy-speak might sound foreign, but behind it is often a deep desire for connection.

If you’re an adult child struggling with this tension in your relationship with your parent, try these tools:

  • Share feelings without shaming. “I needed something different back then” is easier to hear than “You failed me.”
  • Evaluate your own desire for the conversation and set realistic expectations for the outcome. Are you wanting your parents to go back in time and spend more time with you? Hear your needs? Show up more? We don’t have time machines, and it may not be something they’re willing to acknowledge and apologize for at the moment. They may need time to process and gather a response.
  • Acknowledge growth. Even small efforts by your parents to understand should be seen and named. Don’t expect perfect healing. Aim for progress, not perfection.

Repairing emotional rifts across generations requires humility, patience, and a lot of practice.

But it matters. Because our family ties, when healthy, are one of the few places where we can be fully known and still loved.

We won’t always say it right. There will be missteps. But leaning in—gently, consistently, and without the need to win—creates space for something new to grow.

Maybe that’s the real gift of this mental health moment: not to blame or divide, but to build something stronger than what we were handed.

And maybe, that work begins with just one honest conversation at the table.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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Should You Care for Family Members Who Never Cared for You?

There’s an old saying: “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”

It’s a phrase often used when we’re caught between the emotional turmoil of familial obligation and the complex realities of our relationships. But does this mean we’re required to care for family members who’ve shown little to no care for us in return?

In my daily work, we deal with adults and children stuck in generational cycles of neglect, abuse, addiction, etc. My own family consistently deals with the complex dynamic of caring for and helping family members who have not made the best decisions or been dependable and functional in relationships.

Family dynamics are rarely as simple as we’d like them to be.

Sometimes, family members, whether parents, siblings, or other relatives, fail to provide the care and support that we expect or need. This can leave lasting scars, and understandably, the question arises: Is it still our responsibility to extend a hand when they’ve shown us nothing but indifference or neglect?

There’s a psychological phenomenon known as “familial obligation,” the belief that we must maintain close relationships with family regardless of how those relationships make us feel. Research suggests that this belief can stem from deep-rooted cultural and societal expectations.

Family is seen and desired to be a unit that provides unconditional love, yet this isn’t always the case for everyone.

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family showed that individuals who experience emotional neglect or dysfunction within their family often feel torn when it comes to maintaining these connections. On one hand, the sense of loyalty is ingrained; on the other, the desire for emotional well-being may conflict with these familial obligations and longings.

Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, known for her work on family dynamics, suggests that empathy plays a significant role in how we navigate difficult relationships. She notes that while it’s essential to set boundaries for self-preservation, it’s equally important to understand the root causes of a family member’s behavior. If a parent, for example, was emotionally unavailable due to their own unresolved traumas, it might help to approach the situation with compassion rather than judgment.

“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing,” Dr. Markham says. “It means choosing to move forward with empathy, understanding that we can’t change the past, but we can redefine how we respond to it.”

Yet, the emotional cost of continuously caring for someone who never reciprocates can be high. The risk of burnout, resentment, and emotional depletion is real. For this reason, experts in family therapy often recommend establishing clear boundaries while still holding space for empathy. Remember, it’s okay to feel conflicted about giving to someone who hasn’t given back. Acknowledge your feelings, and then decide what you’re capable of offering.

When faced with the dilemma of whether to care for a family member who hasn’t shown you care, consider this:

What are you emotionally able to give? And what are your expectations? Compassion is vital, but so is self-care.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that maintaining mental health in difficult family relationships requires balancing compassion with self-preservation. If the act of caring for a family member becomes a burden, the impact on your mental and emotional health can be significant. Likewise, if you choose to care for a family member because you have an expectation of turning the relationship around or healing a wound, make that expectation known up front. Or, better yet, evaluate whether or not that expectation is realistic in the first place.

A study published in Family Relations found that individuals who engage in caregiving without proper emotional boundaries and expectations often experience depression and anxiety.

That’s why it’s essential to reflect on what your limits and desires are and communicate them clearly. You can love someone and still protect your emotional well-being.

The key is creating healthy boundaries that allow for compassion without compromise. This doesn’t mean cutting ties or withholding care, but rather, finding a balance that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Establishing these boundaries can sometimes mean limiting the frequency of contact or focusing on more specific ways to provide care that feel manageable.

Also, building a network of supportive relationships outside of your family can serve as a crucial support system. Studies indicate that strong, non-familial relationships can provide the emotional stability needed to navigate complex family dynamics. Leaning into these relationships can help you feel more grounded when dealing with family challenges.

Ultimately, deciding whether to care for a family member who hasn’t cared for you requires both introspection and external support. It’s okay to prioritize your own mental health while still maintaining a sense of empathy. There’s no “one size fits all” answer, and that’s okay. Each family dynamic is unique, and the decision to engage or disengage with family members should be made with consideration of your personal circumstances, emotional capacity, and overall well-being.

As we navigate our family relationships, we may find that our ability to care for others is strengthened when we first care for ourselves. And in doing so, we can create more meaningful, balanced relationships that honor both our needs and the complexities of family.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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Why Gen Z is Saying “No” to Romance and What it Means for Us All

My son had his sixth birthday recently. He came home from school with a dozen notes and cards in his backpack, all of which were covered in hearts, glitter and the endearing best wishes of his closest female classmates.  

While I would say this slightly concerned me, I also know that this behavior is pretty normal in kindergarten. Children at this age often imitate what they see at home or in the media. They also develop a sense of feelings towards others, although child development professionals clarify these feelings are much more about companionship and friendship than romance.

In the middle of processing this, I stumbled across several recent surveys that shocked me. According to Pew Research Center, approximately 56% of Gen Z individuals (ages 18-29) reported being single, significantly more than previous generations at their age. An American Perspectives Survey found similar results:

Gen Z is the least likely of all current generations to seek or form romantic partnerships. 

After reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder if Gen Z students shared sweet little “love notes” in kindergarten. Did something change? What keeps them from seeking companionship and connection?

Experts suggest several possibilities. Dr. Jean Twenge, psychologist and author of “iGen,” points to the increased reliance on smartphones and social media, making face-to-face interactions daunting or even unnecessary for many. Digital interaction offers a safer, controlled environment, shielding young adults from the vulnerability inherent in traditional romance.

Economics plays a significant role, too.

Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and Chief Scientific Advisor at Match.com, highlights financial instability as a deterrent. Faced with student debt and uncertain job markets, Gen Z individuals prioritize financial and personal stability before venturing into relationships. Fisher calls this the “slow love” trend, where careful planning precedes commitment.

There’s also a shifting cultural landscape. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University, notes that Gen Z has grown up with heightened awareness around emotional health, consent, and individual identity. Young adults today are more inclined to invest energy in personal growth, mental health, and friendships before adding romance to the equation.

But what does this mean for the future?

While some view this as merely delayed milestones, others worry about long-term effects. Fewer relationships could result in lower marriage and birth rates, already concerns in countries facing population decline. Moreover, researchers like Eli Finkel from Northwestern University caution that prolonged loneliness and isolation might exacerbate mental health challenges already prevalent among Gen Z.

Yet, there’s hope. Experts stress adaptability and encourage intergenerational conversations.

Solomon suggests families and communities proactively teach relationship skills, emotional intelligence, and resilience. Offering safe spaces for honest dialogue about romance and relationships might empower young adults to navigate intimacy confidently and healthily.

As a parent and advocate for healthy relationships, I’m hopeful. Yes, romance might look different in the digital age, but our fundamental human need for connection and love remains unchanged. Perhaps Gen Z’s cautious, thoughtful approach will yield stronger, more intentional relationships—relationships built on solid emotional foundations. 

So, rather than despair, let’s commit to supporting the next generation in defining what healthy, committed romantic relationships look like and understanding why they matter. Maybe the future of “romance” can transition away from the fatigue of swiping left or right and move towards pausing, reflecting, and ultimately, choosing wisely.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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When a Parent Goes to Prison: The Unseen Sentence on Children

Last week, I had lunch with my five-year-old son and his kindergarten class.

I try to eat lunch with him at least once a month, so all of his classmates know me fairly well.

One extra talkative student planted themselves next to me and proceeded to tell me all about how one of their parents was recently taken to prison, but they didn’t do anything wrong, they really want them to come home, and they love them with all their heart.

I’ve carried this conversation with me ever since.

Through our work at First Things First, we often deal with parents being incarcerated or losing custody of their children, but we very rarely interact with the children and hear their side of the story.

What happens when a child’s foundation is suddenly fractured? What happens when a child’s parent disappears behind bars?

The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world, with over 1.2 million people behind bars.

More than five million children—about 1 in 14—have had a parent incarcerated at some point in their lives, according to research from Child Trends. And the effects on these children? Well, they’re staggering.

Losing a parent to prison isn’t just an absence—it’s an upheaval.

Studies from the last decade show that children with an incarcerated parent are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. Unlike other forms of parental separation, incarceration carries stigma and shame, making it harder for children to express their grief.

Dr. Kristin Turney, a sociologist at the University of California, Irvine, has studied the developmental effects of parental incarceration extensively. She found that children in this situation experience greater emotional distress than those who lose a parent to divorce or even death. Why? Because incarceration is unpredictable. The child doesn’t just lose a parent—they gain a confusing tangle of uncertainty, social stigma, and economic hardship.

Data from the National Survey of Children’s Health shows that children of incarcerated parents are more likely to struggle in school, have behavioral problems, and even face increased risks of chronic health issues. The toxic stress caused by parental incarceration—when prolonged and unbuffered by strong, stable relationships—literally alters brain development, making it harder for children to regulate emotions and concentrate.

And then there’s the financial toll.

Many incarcerated parents were primary providers, and when they’re gone, families often spiral into deeper poverty. Fewer resources mean higher stress at home, less parental supervision, and a higher likelihood that the cycle of incarceration will repeat.

So, what can we do?

Experts emphasize that children need stability, connection, and open conversations to mitigate the damage.

1. Regular Contact Matters

    Research by the Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services suggests that maintaining strong parent-child bonds—even through prison visitation—can reduce the emotional harm of separation. Children who maintain contact with their incarcerated parent often fare better emotionally and behaviorally.

    2. Honest, Age-Appropriate Conversations

    Psychologists recommend avoiding secrecy. Instead of saying, “Daddy is away on a trip,” it’s better to explain in simple, truthful terms that he made a mistake, is facing consequences, but still loves them.

    3. Community Support Is Key

    Programs like Sesame Street’s “Little Children, Big Challenges” provide books, videos, and tools to help kids process their feelings. Mentorship programs, like those from one of our partner organizations, Big Brothers Big Sisters, also offer children a steady adult presence when a parent is absent.

    Parental incarceration is not just a criminal justice issue—it’s a childhood development issue, a public health issue, and a societal issue. While we can’t rewrite the past, we can build better support systems for these children so they don’t have to serve a silent sentence alongside their parents.

    Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@firstthings.org.

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