Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
I have been a resentful spouse. My spouse has also resented me. Coming up on 28 years of marriage, my wife and I have five children, and we’ve seen it all. From socks that never made it to the hamper, to financially disastrous decisions, to weaponized sex, to disagreements about parenting, to not getting simple tasks done around the house, to navigating personality quirks. And did I mention infidelity? Yup, infidelity.
There are tons more examples, big and little. It’s not a contest. Whatever brought you to this blog is the biggest thing in your world. Nobody is dealing with resentment exactly the same way you are. But no matter why or how you arrived at this blog, resentment is a tumor in your marriage, and without proper treatment, it will keep growing.
Tumor?! Why would I refer to resentment with your spouse as a tumor? Resentment is a negative emotion that builds up over time. If you don’t deal with it, it will poison more and more of your relationship. It will come to dominate your marriage, making romance, compassion, and intimacy all but impossible. And the sooner you catch it, the easier it will be to treat.
Resentment cannot be taken lightly, but it does have a relatively straightforward solution. Each spouse will have to communicate – probably in a series of conversations. Each will have to express themselves appropriately and honestly. And each will have to listen to the other in good faith. The goal is to compromise and implement a plan. The plan will no doubt be revisited and modified. Resentment should yield resilience.
Compromise and a Plan
The beauty of compromise and a plan is that they’re tangible and measurable. Ideally, as you see your spouse working toward compromise and following the plan, you can be confident. Perhaps confident enough to let go of some resentment and rekindle that spark you once felt. And when your spouse feels that spark, it’ll feed their efforts. Watch that positive cycle go!
So how can you put together a plan and work toward compromise? Here’s a 6-step process you can use as a guide. This isn’t an end-all-be-all on how to stop resentment. But instead, use these steps to help guide you and your spouse toward a compromise and a plan you both agree on that works for your relationship.
A Plan for Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
1. Catch it early.
It’s much easier to manage and process through resentment before it builds.
2. Communication is everything.
This assumes you feel safe communicating in your marriage. You might need an older, wiser mentor couple. You might need a therapist or counselor. And you might need to establish some rules:
- Each person gets to speak uninterrupted for 10 minutes.
- Try to separate the person from the behavior.
- Use “I” statements: I feel, I need, I’m hurting.
- Don’t escalate with volume, tone, sarcasm, or words meant to just inflict hurt.
- Focus on being a good listener. Remember your body language.
3. The source of the resentment in your marriage needs to be front and center.
- “When you do _____ it makes me feel _____.”
- “I’m having a hard time moving past _____.”
- “I don’t think you understand how much _____ hurt me.”
- “We’ve talked about changing _____, but it hasn’t changed.”
4. Compromise is the goal. Both spouses need to win so the marriage wins.
5. Develop a plan for handling the situation(s) in the future. Write it down.
- Think through different scenarios and have a plan for them.
- Set goals.
- The plan is the accountability and enforcement, not the spouse.
- You can always revisit the plan and modify it where necessary.
6. Last but not least, start again with a clean slate. In good faith, you move forward.
The clean slate is going to be the hardest part. You’re hurt and you’re defensive. You’re in survival mode. Trust may have been broken. But if you really want to deal with resentment in your marriage, you have to move forward in good faith, with patience, believing the best, and extending grace. And hopefully, you will watch the downward spiral of resentment slowly stop as the positive emotions pick up some momentum.
For my wife and I, we’ve gone so far as to say, “THAT marriage is over. We start a new marriage TODAY.”
Other blogs:
6 Tips for a “Til Death Do Us Part” Marriage
Do My Spouse and I Need Common Interests?
You and your spouse are making plans for the weekend. You want to spend Sunday afternoon watching sports, your spouse wants to go hiking. Neither of you has any interest in the other activity. Should you compromise? Should you just do what you want? What does this mean for your relationship? Are you even compatible?
Have you been there? Don’t worry, your relationship isn’t in trouble. Many couples don’t have EVERYTHING in common. The reality is you don’t have to share all the same interests. It’s ok to care about different things. What matters is that you care about each other!
Marriage isn’t just about doing things together.
Healthy, vibrant marriages happen when two people help each other become the best version of themselves. That means allowing your spouse to be fully them, enjoying and participating in what brings them joy and life.
It’s essential to have certain interests or goals in common with your spouse, but don’t worry if you don’t have everything in common. Goals, values, and boundaries are just a few areas where it’s vital to be on the same page as your spouse. Couples who share core values and beliefs are more likely to maintain healthy, long-term relationships.
There are inevitably areas of life where your interests will differ. What’s important is that you care about your spouse’s interests because you care about your spouse. Hear me out; you don’t have to share their interests, though. I bought my wife a Cricut for Christmas last year because she loves crafts. She’s wanted one for a couple of years, and she loves it. She likes to create and design cards and stickers. I love that she loves it; I enjoy what she makes. Plus, I recognize creating brings her joy, and that brings me joy. Do I want to learn how to use it? Nope, not at all. And that’s ok. I support her in it, and we budget for her to expand her tools. The same applies to some of my interests. She supports me but doesn’t desire to do them with me.
Showing you care about your spouse’s interests is critical to maintain connection in your marriage.
According to Dr. John Gottman, “The important thing is not what you do together; it’s how you interact while doing it.” You should show respect and support for your spouse’s hobbies. When there’s a lack of respect or support, there’s an opportunity for resentment to grow. You may begin to resent the time they spend working on their interest. They may start to resent your lack of support. Don’t let your differences divide you, though. Embrace them and support your spouse.
“A stronger predictor of compatibility than shared interests is the ratio of positive to negative interactions, which should be 20-to-1 in everyday situations, whether a couple is doing something they both enjoy or not,” says Gottman.
So you don’t have to share common interests, but the way you interact about those interests has more benefit for your relationship. When engaging in an activity together, choose to be positive and uplifting. You are strengthening your connection and intimacy by spending time together enjoying one another. Stephanie Coontz, a historian who’s spent decades researching and writing about marriage, puts it this way: “It is essential to be interested in your partner, to experience joy in their joy.”
So, on Sunday afternoon, when you both want to do something different, there’s no need to give your spouse grief for not wanting to do what you want to do. Maybe you can compromise to watch sports one Sunday and go hike the next. But don’t do it begrudgingly. Look at it as a way to support what your spouse loves.
Sources:
Why Conventional Marriage Wisdom is Wrong
8 Facts About Love and Marriage
The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models.
Other blogs:
Why It’s Important to Care About Your Spouse’s Interests
How To Find Common Interests With Your Spouse
How to Talk With Your Child About Tough Topics
Half of parenting is staying a step ahead of our kids. (The other half is stepping out of the way.) Where do you step when the tough topics come up with your kids? Sex, drugs, rock and roll?
If only it was that easy! Try sexual politics, depression, and race relations. And don’t forget those frequent Big Cultural Moments when half of our country is screaming and the other half is rage-tweeting.
You can take that next step confidently.
Stay A Step Ahead…
1. Remember the Goal.
The goal is to have ongoing conversations with your children that teach them how to be critical thinkers and allow them to process their own thoughts and feelings. It’s not about having all the right answers; it’s about validating their curiosity and their ability to ask questions.
2. Remove Conversational Obstacles.
Sometimes these crucial conversations don’t materialize because we don’t make room for them. We’re too busy or too distracted. Be where your kids are. Be conversationally available. Some talks you’ll have to initiate. Some talks spontaneously generate. (Here are some conversation starters you’ll love!)
3. Relationship Capital Rules.
Invest the time. Build up the relationship capital you’ll want to draw on for those tough topics. This means you spend time together not angling for The Big Important Talk. Just enjoy spending time together. Don’t sleep on silliness. You might be goofing around, talking about nothing, when it suddenly turns into something.
4. Remain A Reliable Source.
Our kids have a sixth sense for insincerity. Can they count on you when it comes to the little things? Like it or not, our kids are always sizing us up. They’re watching us and wondering if we can handle their hopes and fears. They won’t come out and say they don’t trust you; they just won’t say anything at all.
… And Know When To Step Out Of The Way.
1. Listen. Don’t lecture.
Sometimes your child needs a good, firm “listening to”. Hold back and let them have it.
2. Respond. Don’t react.
Keep your cool when you hear something you disagree with. If you are dismissive or defensive, your child will shut the conversation down. Admit when you don’t know the answer and find a way to find it together. If the conversation is getting a little heated or the volume is getting turned up, be the adult; be the parent.
3. Investigate. Don’t interrogate.
Sometimes your child’s real question is masked by the question they actually ask. Learn to listen between the lines. Often, our kids need to work their way around to sharing what’s really on their minds or what they really want to ask. Be patient and leave some room for their thoughts to unspool and take shape. Ask clarifying questions. Ask questions that expand the conversation and invite your child to lean in closer, not pull back and withdraw.
Parents, By All Means, Teach Your Children.
You are the best resource for your child. Share your values and beliefs. Many parents underestimate the influence they have on their children. Research consistently shows that young people want their parents to talk with them about tough topics. Let them know what you believe and why concerning these issues. This will help them learn the process of determining what they believe.
There’s no shortage of voices willing to speak into your child’s life. Media. Social media. The kids on the bus. The classroom curriculum. The entertainment industry. Consumer culture. All of them are ready to step up and shape your child’s thinking on all the tough topics. What’s your next step?
4 Ways to Help Your Child Deal With Anger
How to Help My Child Handle Anxiety
5 Ways to Reduce Resentment in Your Marriage
Suppose you’ve been married a few years or even a few months. In that case, you may have noticed that there’s a subtle emotional seesaw present. Resentment toward your spouse sits on one side and compassion sits on the other. Don’t worry; it’s in all marriages, although many of us may not even recognize it. The thing is, we often don’t notice until the resentment side gets a little too heavy.
“Resentment is the persistent feeling that you’re being treated unfairly — not getting due respect, appreciation, affection, help, apology, consideration, praise, or reward,” says clinical psychologist Steven Stosny.
Resentment tends to arise in a marriage when one spouse takes advantage of their partner or takes them for granted. Often resentment can arise from minor issues that compound with time.
Common issues that lead to resentment are:
- Habitual selfish behaviors
- Prioritizing a job over the relationship
- Not being fully present when you’re with your spouse
- Expecting too much of your spouse
- Failing to celebrate your spouse
If resentment builds, it can lead to withdrawal or contempt, and we don’t want either of those present in our marriage. So, let’s try to reduce our resentment before it becomes contempt.
Reducing resentment starts with you. You may have resentment toward your spouse, and they may not even be aware of the cause. Resentment is a self-destructive habit. Your spouse may have hurt or wronged you, but the resentment has grown within you. And it feels awful.
So to reduce resentment in your marriage, let’s look in the mirror and start there.
1. Your feelings are real, so don’t deny your feelings.
You don’t have to deny that you were hurt in some way. But keeping it to yourself or burying your feelings doesn’t help you overcome them. Identify them and seek to understand where those feelings are coming from. Once you have an idea of what’s causing you to feel the way you feel, express it to your partner.
2. Write it down: how you feel, why you feel that way, your grudges, and their source.
This exercise of self-reflection can help you get to the source of your resentment. You may find that your resentment stems from an unrealistic expectation or from your perception. Now, write down why you should forgive your spouse so you can let it go.
3. Focus on your partner’s good qualities.
Remember, you married them, so there are lots of good qualities. Don’t let the mistakes that led to your resentment overshadow the positive. Choose to focus on the positive. Give grace. Don’t assume that they have hurt you intentionally. Think the best of your spouse.
4. Build a habit of compassion.
As compassion increases, resentment declines. If resentment is a habit, the only way to break it is to replace the habit with something opposite. Exercise compassion toward yourself and then toward your spouse. Have empathy; it’s where compassion begins. Empathy is trying to see a situation from another person’s point of view. Remember, there are always two sides to every story.
5. Get help from a professional (if you need it).
A counselor or therapist can help you get to the root of your resentment. If you are habitually resentful, you can reignite the compassion in your marriage with just a little help.
Choose Compassion Instead
It may not be easy, but the more compassion you have in your marriage, the less room resentment has to live. Compassion can be contagious, so the more understanding you show your spouse, the more they may offer you. Healthy relationships start with compassion, genuine care, and concern for the wellbeing of each person. If you want to reduce resentment in your marriage and help your relationship thrive, choose compassion and grace instead of resentment.
Related blogs:
Why Compassion is One of the Most Important Qualities in a Healthy Marriage
How to Be More Compassionate to Your Spouse
Practical Ways to Practice Generosity in Marriage
Sources:
In Marriage, It’s Compassion or Resentment
5 Ways to Tell If You’re a Passive-Aggressive Spouse
Has your spouse accused you of being passive-aggressive? Maybe they say you’re manipulative. Maybe they tell you that you never speak your mind. Sometimes it may seem like you’ve gained the upper hand in disagreements, but it still feels like the relationship never wins. Are you passive-aggressive or being falsely accused? Well, let’s look at a few ways to shed more light on whether you’re passive-aggressive or not.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D says, “Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.“1
Think of it this way: You’re expressing your negative feelings aggressively, negatively. Often, this asserts your control, power, or desire to punish your spouse. However, it’s done passively or indirectly. If you’re not directly naming it, your spouse may not be sure what the real issue is.
Aggressive doesn’t necessarily mean loud, forceful, or demonstrative. But it is often intentional and pointed directly toward your spouse.
Different Levels of Passive-Aggressiveness
1. Passive-Aggressive Moments.
Many people have moments of passive-aggressiveness. Sometimes, you just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with a conflict, so you use passive-aggressive behavior to keep control of the issue. You may not demonstrate this behavior often, but every now and then, you might pull it out of your bag of tricks. You probably know it’s not the healthiest thing in the world, but the alternative at the moment isn’t worth it.
2. Passive-Aggressive Habits.
Being passive-aggressive is your primary way of addressing issues with your spouse. You may even find it hard to initiate a conversation about an issue head-on. You may have become “effective” at passive-aggressive behavior. It seems to get you what you want.
3. Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.
The American Psychiatric Association defines this as a “pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations.” 2,3 This person feels impossible to tackle conflict with. Their passive-aggressive nature spreads throughout every part of their life.
What does passive-aggressive behavior look like?
Here are some ways being passive-aggressive may play out.
1. Sarcastic, snarky comments.
On its own, the comment you make may sound like a compliment. But the context is clearly meant to be negative. You and your spouse haven’t had a real conversation in weeks, but you hear your spouse chopping it up with one of their friends. You say, “You two sure do have a lot to talk about.” On its own, it seems innocent. Perhaps you’re hoping they feel the sharpness of your emotions. You feel neglected, maybe a bit jealous. However, instead of coming out and saying what you feel, you make a sarcastic remark.
2. Half-doing tasks.
Your spouse’s schedule has changed, and they aren’t doing things around the house, leaving it to you. You resent their schedule change, or you feel like they’re taking you for granted. Instead of bringing it up, you half-heartedly do the tasks like yard work, laundry, or cleaning. It’s obviously not up to standard. You’re trying to prove a point.
3. Silence or distance. (I struggle with this one.)
You gain control by not talking about anything of substance. Your conversations become surface-level or just about facts. Nothing personal or vulnerable. You build a wall between you and your spouse. You’re expressing your anger, resentment, displeasure, etc., through silence. This gives you control of the situation or at least makes you feel like you’re in control.
4. Agreeing, but not really agreeing.
Your spouse wants to go to the in-laws, but you don’t want to go. Your spouse knows you don’t want to go, and you can’t even believe they’ve asked you to come along. Instead of sharing your true desire, you agree to go not out of compassion or being a team player but out of resentment. You’re upset because they should know that you’re not ok with going.
5. Ignoring, putting off, or procrastinating.
Your spouse has asked you to do something. Your negative feelings toward your spouse may have nothing to do with what they’ve asked. However, you choose to express your negative emotions by continually putting off their request while never sharing the real reason.
Signs You May Be Passive-Aggressive… Self-Reflection Questions
While you self-reflect, consider…
- How do you address conflict in your marriage? Do you clearly communicate your thoughts, emotions, and desires, or do you drop hints? Do you exhibit any of the previously mentioned behaviors? Is ist possbile that you simply avoid conflict while sending sharp signals that there is conflict?
- Do you have negative thoughts about your spouse that motivate how you respond to them? How do they know those thoughts? Or do they? Is it possible you have built-up anger or resentment that comes out through simple requests?
- Do you usually control the when and where you deal with marital problems? You may be using passive-aggressive behavior to control or manipulate your spouse instead of working together.
Understanding how you deal with issues in your marriage can help your marriage thrive through difficult times.
If you come to the conclusion that you are a passive-aggressive spouse, that’s progress! Even if you don’t, this can open up meaningful conversations with your spouse to figure out how to handle conflict well in your marriage. The ultimate goal here isn’t about pointing out faults; it’s about transforming conflict in your marriage into building blocks for intimacy. Becoming a better version of yourself in that process is a strong byproduct I’ll take any day.
Related blogs:
How to End Passive Aggressive Behavior in Marriage
How To Improve Bad Communication In Marriage
The #1 Thing That Can Secretly Ruin Your Marriage
Sources:
1What is Passive Aggressive Behavior? What Are Some of the Signs?
Can A Marriage Survive Without Trust?
When the trust was broken in my marriage, I wondered if we could survive without it.
Trust is a cornerstone of marriage. When we trust our partner, we feel emotionally safe with them. This safety allows for deeper connection and drives us to endure tough times when they arise. Trust is not only important for the health of our relationship but also for our physical health.
For more than 40 years, Dr. John Gottman has been studying what makes a marriage work. He found that the number one issue for couples was trust and betrayal. During his study, social psychologists asked people in relationships, “What is the most desirable quality you’re looking for in a partner when you’re dating?” The number one response was trustworthiness.
Dr. Gottman found what many of us would agree with: Trust is essential to healthy relationships.
So, how do we build trust? Trust is created in the small moments. Dr. Gottman calls these sliding door moments. “In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.” One moment may not be that important when you think of it by itself, but if you continually turn toward your spouse in the small moments, you’re building trust. If you continually turn away from your spouse, you’re eroding trust.
But what happens when there’s betrayal?
Betrayal can come in many forms. It can be loud and big or subtle and discrete. You experience betrayal when you discover that your spouse is hiding information from you. Or when they withhold support when you need it. You feel betrayed when you cannot entirely rely on your partner.
When we feel betrayed, it’s common to ask the question, “How can I ever trust them again?” But, here’s the good news: It is possible to rebuild trust. Remember those sliding door moments? Rebuilding trust takes lots of those. It requires choosing to move toward your spouse in the small moments. Trust is a two-way street, and to rebuild trust, you both have to move toward each other. In my marriage, we realized we could rebuild trust, but it would take time and intentionality.
Dan Yoshimoto, a graduate student of Dr. Gottman, found in the study that the basis of building trust is attunement. He broke down the idea of attunement with an acronym:
Awareness of your partner’s emotion
Turning toward the emotion
Tolerance of two different viewpoints
Understanding your partner
Non-defensive responses to your partner
Responding with Empathy
When we are attuned to our spouse, we are better able to build trust.
In the book What Makes Love Last? Gottman and Silver lay out the following four methods for communicating with your partner that fosters trust through attunement.
1. Put your feelings into words.
It can be challenging to articulate what you feel. There’s no shame in that. Just communicate that to your partner.
2. Ask open-ended questions.
Avoid close-ended questions that elicit one-word responses. Open-ended questions ask for a story and show genuine curiosity on your part.
3. Follow up with statements that deepen the connection.
When your partner responds to one of your open-ended questions, reflect back on what you heard. In your own words, paraphrase what they said. Don’t make assumptions, defend yourself, or bring the focus to you.
4. Express compassion and empathy.
Don’t tell your partner how they should be feeling. Don’t react defensively. Instead, hold space for their feelings, all of them, even if they feel uncomfortable to you. This creates a deeper connection and a sense of emotional safety. Your partner now knows they can talk to you about the hard stuff.
Trust is the bedrock of a healthy marriage. When it’s broken, it takes time to heal. Rebuilding trust between my wife and I wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Marriage can survive without trust, but it’s not as healthy. To have a healthy, life-giving marriage, choose to rebuild trust.
Related Blogs:
7 Ways to Increase Trust In Marriage
What Does Trust Look Like In A Healthy Marriage?
How To Rebuild Trust In Marriage
Sources:
Why Compassion is One of the Most Important Qualities in a Healthy Marriage
Compassion is important in marriage!
Did you know that there’s a whole science behind compassion in relationships? Seriously! Ok, bear with me, even if you’re not a researchy-geek like me (I promise I won’t make this sound like your high school chemistry book.) Because compassion is majorly important in marriages, even more so than you might think. And research has a lot to say about it.
Just like anything sciency, it’s essential to define terms well. And sometimes compassion, empathy, and sympathy get mixed up. Let’s untangle that.
Empathy = You don’t share the same feelings or experiences, but you choose to imagine what it might be like. They hurt; you don’t but can put yourself in their shoes. You can empathize.
And then we come to compassion. This is when you empathize/sympathize with someone (say, your spouse), and you’re prompted to show kindness in their situation.
They hurt. You empathize/sympathize. You say something to lift their spirits. Compassion!
So, sympathy/empathy are only the beginning of compassion. One study even suggests being empathetic is good to a point, but it can actually affect you negatively unless it’s followed up by compassion.1
So compassion is more than a feeling. (Classic rock fans, anyone?) Or maybe it’s more accurate to say, compassion isn’t really beneficial unless it’s put into action. One researcher describes compassionate acts as “caregiving that is freely given.”2
Think about this in your marriage.
No matter what your spouse experiences, good days or bad, you can:
- Sympathize with them, or…
- Choose to empathize with them, and then…
- Feel compassion toward them, which…
- Prompts compassionate action.
Y’all…we should be doing this all the time in our marriage!
Why? (Here we go with the science again…) Research3 tells us compassion is good for you, your spouse, and your marriage!
- Compassion toward a spouse predicts higher levels of daily relationship and life satisfaction for both people. (Don’t miss this: happiness in marriage goes up on a daily basis! Who doesn’t want that?)
- Compassionate acts benefit the emotional and mental well-being of the person receiving them (in this case, your spouse).
- The person who is acting compassionately toward their spouse also experiences a positive effect on their well-being, even if the spouse doesn’t necessarily recognize the compassionate act!
Bottom line: Compassionate acts do a marriage good.
It makes you a better spouse. It makes your spouse a better person. And it makes your marriage more loving, intimate, and strong.
Let’s consider one more reason why compassion might be one of the most important qualities in marriage. No matter who you are, most of us would agree that the world could always use a little more compassion. What if the real power of compassion in our world begins with compassionate action in our marriages and families? We know kindness is contagious.4 As they say: as families go, so goes the world.
So, inject some compassionate action into your marriage — for your spouse, for you, for the world.
Sources:
1 Functional Neural Plasticity and Associated Changes in Positive Affect After Compassion Training
2Compassionate Love: A Framework For Research
3Compassionate Acts and Everyday Emotional Well-being Among Newlyweds
4Social Contagion Theory: Examining Dynamic Social Networks and Human Behavior
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How to Be More Compassionate to Your Spouse
I think one partner in every marriage has heard or thought the phrase, “You don’t care.” I’ve learned to interpret that in my own marriage like this: I’m not showing any compassion.
Compassion is where empathy meets action.
It’s the difference between caring and showing care. You want your spouse to know you can feel their pain, and you’re willing to do something about it. And studies show that you’re better off for showing compassion whether your spouse acknowledges it or not.
Do you want to be more compassionate to your spouse? Sure you do! Here are some tips.
Put your energy into understanding.
Compassion starts with listening for understanding. Listen, not for how you can fix it or be right, but to understand your spouse’s thoughts, emotions, and desires. The Gottman Institute’s research tells us, “Most of the time, when your mate (or anyone) comes to you with an issue that has made them upset, they don’t immediately ask for advice. They are silently asking for your understanding and compassion. They want to feel that you are on their side.”
Action: Respond in a way that demonstrates you understand or that you want to better understand. Avoid trying to fix the issue.
Step outside of yourself.
Things affect people differently. You may not react to disappointment, pain, or betrayal the way your spouse would. If you respond differently than your spouse, try laying your preferences down and allowing your spouse to be true to themselves. Accept them as they are and support them.
Action: Validate your spouse through words, physical affection, and comfort.
Never forget: your spouse is human, too.
He’s your husband. She’s your wife. The parent of your children. Your knight in shining armor. Your queen. All that may be true. But they are also a person with emotions, ups and downs, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations at times. They make mistakes, and they might have a lapse in judgment here or there. In other words, we all have our imperfections. Treating a spouse as though they shouldn’t make mistakes will block compassion.
Action: Give your partner space to be human. Give them grace when things don’t go their way. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations of perfection on them. Don’t treat them like a title: husband/wife, parent, provider. Instead, treat them like they’re your favorite human on the planet.
Stop what you’re doing and go “all-in.”
Sometimes when your spouse is having a difficult time, you have to just turn the TV off. Silence those cell phone notifications. Cancel a social outing. Remind your spouse that the world can go on, but right now, “my world is stopping until you get what you need from me.” Do this before there’s a panic attack, nervous breakdown, or an explosion of pent-up anger.
Action: Ask, “What do you need from me at this very moment?”
Be helpful.
Each of you brings different strengths and tendencies to the relationship. Our tendencies can sometimes leave us vulnerable to mistakes. For instance, your go-getter spirit can cause you to overcommit your time, which causes stress. Your kindness can allow others to take advantage of you. You often have the choice to criticize or be compassionate toward your spouse.
Criticism will help point out all their “flaws.” Compassion will look for ways to cover their blind spots.
Action: Be the spouse that recognizes blind spots. And with a generous spirit, help fill the gaps. For example, be the friend to your spouse that they are to others. Do a little more housework when your spouse is stressed.
Pillow talk and morning coffee…
Compassion is at its best when we intimately know the recipient of our compassion, a.k.a. spouse. We don’t learn them through osmosis. Sometimes the only way to get the answer to being more compassionate is to talk about it. This is the perfect kind of conversation to have at night while lying in bed.
Action: Give your spouse undivided attention before bedtime or during morning coffee. Ask, “What does the word compassion mean to you?” What does compassion look like to you? What do I do that makes you feel cared for or understood?”
Sometimes we can be our kindest, most understanding selves toward strangers, but I’m here to tell you: it should be the other way around. The ones closest to us should be the first recipients of our compassion. Admittedly, it takes intentionality. Remember that your favorite human is the one you said “I do” to. And now that you remember it, treating them like it will help them believe they really are your favorite.
Sources:
Tis’ Better to Give, To Your Spouse
Expressing Compassion and Empathy
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