5 Reasons Why Marriage Can Be Harder After Having A Baby
No matter how you slice it, the birth of a child brings about changes that can be challenging. Here are some of the reasons why marriage can be harder after having a baby and how those challenges can make your marriage stronger.
- Unspoken Expectations. You probably have a picture in your mind of what your lives will look like after the baby is born. You might be expecting to split household duties, take turns sleeping, grow closer in your marriage, and agree on parenting decisions. When someone doesn’t meet our expectations however, disappointment and resentment can build.
- Entering the Land of the Unknown. Between the internet, books, experienced parents, and doctors, you try and eliminate as many potential unknowns as possible. And yet once the baby is here, you realize there are some things you just can’t prepare for. Disagreements arise as couples differ on how to tackle these issues that you simply didn’t see coming.
- We’re Changing and So Are Our Needs. Maybe your wife used to like you to open the car door for her. Now, she’d rather you turn on the A/C and get the kids in their seats. Herr needs may change after the birth of a baby. Sometimes she might not be consciously aware of the changes. As your needs change, it’s so easy to focus on meeting your own personal needs after a baby is born that you lose sight of the changing needs of your spouse. How you help, support, and comfort one another looks different. Even how you respond when something triggers your emotions may change. There were times when I was so focused on my tiredness, schoolwork (I was in school), and my job that I resented my wife for not understanding and expecting more out of me than I thought I was fair.
- Lack of Intimacy. So much focused energy is on the baby, trying to get rest, work, and everything that comes with a newborn that marital tension can replace marital intimacy. Plus, after carrying a baby for 9 months and breastfeeding, lots of women don’t want any physical intimacy because they are totally exhausted. They want to heal.
- Emotional Exhaustion: You are not at your best when you are exhausted… and that’s understandable. A tired and stressed person trying to adapt to change doesn’t respond as well as a rested and peaceful person. Imagine if both of you are suffering from emotional exhaustion. The stage is set for irritability, aggravation, and a short fuse.
These are all challenges that can make your marriage stronger, as long as you don’t avoid dealing with them. It’s possible to address them and work as a team to transition into parenthood well. Here are a few things you can do as a couple:
- Discuss Expectations. Conversations about balancing work and family are a great place to start. Nighttime feedings. Diaper changes. Household chores and responsibilities. Who will do what and who can we ask to help us? Think of grandparents and family. Talking through what you hope this will look like can help the two of you be on the same page as you navigate your new normal.
- Remember What’s Important. Your baby doesn’t need perfectly-prepared parents for every situation. They need loving parents who are attentive. Figuring it out together can provide lasting memories. My wife and I have made tons of mistakes when all seven of our children were babies. There are some things you simply don’t know. Gather information, talk to one another, and do your best. When you or your spouse makes a mistake, you learn from it and everyone is better for it.
- Talk Openly About What You Need From One Another. It’s hard to know what my spouse needs if she doesn’t tell me. I kept opening her car door until one day she said, “I’d rather you turn on the A/C and get the car cool.” I would’ve never known. Talking about our needs helps us ward off the resentment that builds. Trying to read someone’s mind can be harmful. Open communication is the only antidote.
- Intentional Marriage Time. Do it, even if it’s just for 15 minutes to emotionally connect or hold one another. Virtual date nights are great for just a little marriage time. Don’t forget that your marriage needs both of you.
- Lean In To Each Other. Lack of sleep is an obvious issue after having a baby, but I’m not going to tell you to get more of it. Sometimes that’s just plain impossible. Here’s what will be helpful to your marriage: Pay attention to each other. Help each other. Look for ways to support one another. In sports, the team that functions as a team in the fourth quarter when everyone is tired typically wins. You are that team. And winning as a team is sweet and exhilarating, especially when you’re tired.
- Express Appreciation. It’s highly probable that each of you is doing things for the baby and the family that are going unnoticed. Look for those things and express gratitude.
Your love isn’t measured by every right decision you make. In fact, the best gift of love you can give your new baby is a healthy, thriving marriage, not a perfect one.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
10 Questions Couples Should Ask Each Other Before Having a Baby
There’s a lot that happens when a couple has their first baby…
Sleepless nights.
Endless, life-impacting decisions.
The world being turned upside down.
Re-creating a “new normal.”
A constant fear of things going wrong.
The steep learning curve for both parents.
The list could go on, and on, and on. And I’ve heard it all… The good, the bad, the ugly, the astoundingly beautiful… And it’s all made me a little worried.
Reality Check
First, let me back up for a second. My husband and I have been married a little over a year, and we are not hoping to have kids for another two years or so. That being said, I’m fully convinced that I was brought into this world to be a mother. You can ask any friends or family. That whole “motherly instinct” has always come very naturally to me.
But for my husband… not so much. Although we both want kids someday, the timeframe and the number of kids differ just a little bit (or a lot, depending on the day). Even though we don’t have kids yet, the conversations around our future kids have already caused some division between us. And it’s caused a little bit of fear for the day that we do become parents.
And as we watch friends around us start to have kids and we hear the stories they share about all the challenges that come with starting a family, our fear has only grown…
“Wait, WHAT happens during delivery??”
“Are you SURE you want to go through that?”
“When we have kids, you can’t ________ anymore.”
“Why don’t we wait till we’re 40 and just adopt?”
“We’re cranky enough in the mornings on 8 hours of sleep.”
“There are very few parts of parenting that sound like a good thing…”
These are just a few pieces of conversations we’ve had about our future. The fear is real. And it’s for good reason.
But the desire to have kids is also real. Very real. So how do you balance the fear of parenting, the fear of having kids, the fear for your marriage—with the desire to have kids? Well, I can’t fully answer that for you. That’s something you and your spouse are going to have to work through together. But I can give you a few tips on how to have that conversation!
Here are a few questions to ask each other before having a baby:
- What are you most fearful about when it comes to having kids?
- In what area do you think having kids will cause us to have the most conflict?
- Is there anything we can do now to work on that area before we have kids?
- What tendencies do you see in me that might be a problem for you once we have kids?
- How will we share responsibilities so that one spouse isn’t totally overwhelmed?
- Are you willing to start our routines completely from scratch?
- How can we work together as a team and rely on each other’s strengths?
- What are your top 3 expectations of me as a parent?
- What roles did your mom and dad play in your life growing up? Are there ways you want to be like them? Not be like them?
- What are things I can do right now to help us both not fear becoming parents?
Prioritize Your Marriage
Having kids rocks your world. I don’t know that from experience, but I’ve been told that what seems like a bajillion times, so it must be true. Kids are a lot. They come with new responsibilities, new challenges, and new things to argue about.
And if you let it, being a parent might overtake being a spouse. But the key is to always prioritize your marriage first. Yes, kids require a lot. But they grow up. And after they’re grown, you’ll still have your spouse by your side.
So, choose today to strengthen your marriage. Actually, choose every day to strengthen your marriage. And the rest, even babies, will fall into place—a wonderful place.
I’m Bored With My Spouse!
It’s your dining room table, you and your spouse are having dinner. And it happens. You realize that you can’t think of anything else to say. It hits you — I’m bored with my spouse.
How did this happen to us? We were the fun couple. Conversation was always easy for us. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. How and why did things change for us?
For many couples, the beginning of the relationship is full of fun and excitement. You enjoyed activities full of wonder and adventure. Now things have changed. Before jumping to any conclusions, this might just be a new season in your relationship. You’re chomping at the bit to go out and try something new, while your spouse seemingly sits there like a bump on a log. What do you do now?
If you are feeling or have felt this way, here are some things you need to consider.
1. Is your spouse okay?
Often, losing interest in activities that used to be fun and bring someone joy is a symptom of an underlying physical or mental health problem. Being listless and restless, just wanting to lay around, not feeling like doing anything — especially if this has been going on for more than two weeks — can be a sign of a physical or mental health problem. Be supportive. Encourage your spouse to get a physical.
2. Your boredom is ultimately something you need to address.
There is a big difference between, “I’m bored.” and “My spouse is boring.” It could also be that BOTH statements are about you. If you look up the multiple definitions of boredom like I did, here’s what you may find. Being bored is “feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.” Another definition of boredom is “an emotional or psychological state when an individual is left without anything in particular to do or is not interested in their surroundings or feels that a day or period is dull or tedious.” You will notice (in both definitions) that the onus is on the individual and not anyone else, including your spouse.
It may be helpful to seek out ways to engage with your spouse.
3. Get curious about your spouse. Ask questions like:
- What do you like best about our relationship?
- Is there something that you would like to try but have been too afraid to?
- What would be your dream vacation?
- What are some things that you are most thankful for now?
- What’s something new we could try together?
- What fun things did you do as a kid? As a teenager?
4. Give yourself and your spouse permission to have some time ALONE.
You BOTH might need some alone time. This is normal and healthy. The idea is to do something that refreshes and recharges your batteries and something that promotes growth, so that when you do spend time together, it’s more interesting and fulfilling. Your relationship involves two unique individuals. You and your spouse want to bring your best selves into the relationship.
Find ways to nurture yourself, then you can nurture your relationship.
Boredom is a tricky thing. On the one hand, it’s normal for boredom to pop up here and there. Don’t overreact to it, just find some creative ways to get out of the rut. On the other hand, prolonged boredom can signal something deeper is at work. Don’t hesitate to call in the pros.
Other helpful blogs:
3 Great Dates To Enhance Communication In Your Marriage
Help! My Spouse And I Have Nothing In Common
How To Find Common Interests With Your Spouse
Why It’s Important To Care About Your Spouse’s Interests
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Help! My Spouse and I Can’t Stop Fighting!
Marriage is two individuals doing life as a team. You and your spouse will always have some differing perspectives, needs, priorities, habits, and let’s say – idiosyncrasies – that make you both unique. This means ongoing work on communication skills, learning how to handle disagreements and conflict, and doing the intentional stuff that keeps you connected and your relationship healthy.
Sprinkle in anxiety, stress, anger, and sadness, or maybe uncertainty about the future and tight finances. As a result, marriage can go from difficult to disastrous. Real quick. Heavy emotions or difficult circumstances can take a toll on your marriage. Everything gets magnified and intensified. This can lead to constant fighting.
Tensions, disagreements, arguments, and even some fighting should be expected in marriage, period. But they can be framed in a way that drives you toward each other – not apart.
1. Stop fights before they start.
If the best fight is the one that actually draws you together and strengthens your relationship, then the second-best fight is the one that never happens.
Understand Your Current Situation.
Acknowledge that you or your spouse may be experiencing high levels of fear, anxiety, and stress. This produces what marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman, refers to as “Flooding,” which is when the brain is flooded with stress hormones and chemicals that make it nearly impossible for the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for complex problem solving) to function. When you or your spouse are in “Fight, Flight, or Freeze” mode, you can’t physiologically function as you normally would. You can’t communicate as you normally should. This isn’t a fault in you or your spouse – this is your body’s nervous system. Hopefully, just knowing this promotes grace, empathy, and patience.
Practice Self-Care.
Be at your best when things are going sideways in your marriage. You each still need your space and need to take care of yourselves and find healthy ways to manage and process the stress you are feeling. Stay connected to your friends and the people that encourage you. It’s okay for you to sit in another room and watch television alone. It’s okay for your spouse to go for a walk without you. If you are both working on being the best versions of yourselves, you’ll both be in a better place when you are together.
Set Up Schedules and Routines.
This will make expectations clear, give your day predictability, and give you stability. Are one or both of you working from home? When and where in your house or apartment will work be done? Do you have children? Designate when you will take turns watching them so the other can work or get some alone time. Who is doing what chores around the house? Divide housework equally and play to your strengths.
Choose A Specific Time Each Day To “Check In” With Each Other.
This isn’t fight time. This is when you ask each other how you are feeling physically and emotionally. This is a time to share needs and ask how you can be helping each other. Take turns speaking and listening. It doesn’t have to be a long or formal time, just consistent.
2. Fight nice.
It may sound strange, but when you aren’t fighting, take some time to discuss and establish some “ground rules” for how you will handle tensions, disagreements, and problems. No bringing up the past. No interrupting. And no raising your voices. How will you call a “timeout?” What is the time limit? How will you signal that the “fight” is over? Use this blog to guide you.
Schedule Your “Fights.”
Set a time once or twice a week (max) when each of you gets to air out one (and only one) criticism while the other is only allowed to listen. Avoid words like, “always” or “never” and try to frame it as an “I” statement. “I get frustrated when it feels like you are being distant,” or “I need more help with putting the kids to bed,” or “I would appreciate it if you didn’t raise your voice at me.”
Respond, Don’t React.
You are both going to hear some hard things, especially if you can’t stop fighting. It is important not to escalate the conversation with the volume or tone of your voice, your body language, or your words themselves. Don’t react by letting emotions take control. As you actively listen, respond calmly, compassionately, and empathetically.
3. Reconnect.
It’s not all about not fighting. Make sure you are doing things that help you connect, have fun together, deepen intimacy, create some romance, and deepen your relationship.
Plan Some Fun!
Be intentional and schedule some fun things you can do together. Have a formal, in-home date night. Dress up and make a special dinner. Do something fun and silly like build a blanket fort and watch a movie. Go for a walk together. Have a game night. Don’t try to do any heavy relationship work during this time, just enjoy each other’s company. Generally, men bond shoulder to shoulder by doing things together, and women bond face to face, through conversation. So, make sure you are doing a little of both. Don’t forget why you married your spouse in the first place.
Figure Out What Says “I Love You” To Your Spouse.
Not everyone communicates “I love you” the same way and not everyone hears “I love you” the same way. Some people need quality time together. Some people need words that affirm them. Dr. Gary Chapman dives into this in The Five Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts. You can also go to his website, take a free quiz, and find resources that will help you communicate love more effectively to each other.
What About Sex?
What about it?! Sex is one of the most powerful ways to stay connected! Understand the dynamics of sex – generally, women need to feel connected to have sex and men need to have sex to feel connected. Not a problem! This is the perfect example of how two people have to work to make the marriage work.
Mindset is everything.
When you’re fighting all the time, it’s easy to begin seeing your spouse as an adversary, and then your relationship becomes a contest of winning and losing. Ultimately, you need to remember that your spouse isn’t the enemy; the problem is the enemy. Then you can fight for your spouse and for your marriage.
Don’t be afraid to call in the pros.
Sometimes the problems run deep. One or both of you could have blind spots. You’re too close to the situation and might need a third party who can be objective and see what you’re missing. Get the help you need!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
In need of a date night but aren’t sure what to do? Skip sitting on the couch together staring at your phones and make some memories instead! Just CHILL is a DIY date night for those moments that you just don’t feel like doing anything. It’ll get you relaxed, revived, and reconnected!
Supplies:
- Face masks (Or DIY – some simple ideas here)
- A foot bath
- Epsom salts
- A bucket or basin
- Hot water
- Towels
- Candles
- Lotion for massages
- Your favorite snack (or your kid’s fruit snacks, let’s be real)
- A cozy drink (tea, hot cocoa, etc.)
Instructions:
- First of all, take it easy! Light a candle, turn down the lights, turn on your diffuser, and breathe for a second.
- Fill the bucket or basin with warm water and swirl the Epsom salts around in it.
- While one person has their feet soaking, have the other give them a back massage!
- After 5 minutes, switch roles.
- Mix up a face mask, lather it on, and while it’s doin’ its thing, ask each other the questions below.
Take It A Little Deeper:
Here are some questions you can ask each other to dig a little deeper and make your connection even stronger!
- What has been the most stressful moments for you in the past month?
- How can I be a better support for you when you’re stressed and overwhelmed?
- What’s one small thing I can do every day to make sure you’re doing okay?
- How can we be a better team when it comes to our shared responsibilities?
Need a date night but aren’t sure what to do? Time For A Throwback is a great way to relive some of those awesome childhood moments while enjoying quality time with your spouse!
Supplies:
- All your favorites from childhood (Pick one age or pick one from each age!)
- Favorite food (Bring out all those boxes of mac n’ cheese!)
- A favorite dessert (We’re looking at you, pudding cups!)
- Favorite game or thing to do (Hopscotch totally counts!)
- Favorite TV show or movie
- BONUS POINTS:
- Favorite style to wear
- Favorite makeup/hairstyle
Instructions:
- Each spouse chooses 2 things from the list of favorites to bring for the date night. Bonus points if you dress up like you used to as well!
- Spend the evening talking about all your favorites from when you were young and why they were your favorite!
Why It Matters:
Sure, being an adult is great, and being mature has its place. But sometimes, it’s okay to be goofy, act like a kid again, and enjoy life’s simple pleasures (like coloring books and action figures)! Letting a little loose with your love is a great way to de-stress, enjoy some time together, and sit for a moment without pressing responsibilities or pressures. Plus, your spouse may learn a little more about you by the time the date night is over!
Take It A Little Deeper:
Here are some questions you can ask each other to dig a little deeper and make your connection even stronger!
- How have you seen my childhood affect how I am now? Has it affected our relationship?
- What are some ways we can build moments into our relationship that are free of responsibilities and pressures?
- How can I help you remember to loosen up a little bit sometimes?
In need of a date night but aren’t sure what to do? Skip the mediocre dinner and movie you’ll fall asleep watching and make some memories instead! What’s In The Bowl is a classic, hysterical game for people of all ages. It requires minimal preparation and supplies, and you and your spouse will have a blast doing it for a date night!
Supplies:
- A bowl
- A blindfold
- Headphones or earplugs (optional)
- Random household items
Instructions:
- Play a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who has to be blindfolded first.
- Whoever loses, put on the blindfold! For an extra challenge, put on headphones and listen to loud music or put in earplugs.
- Whoever won Rock, Paper, Scissors, you now get to choose something (or some things) to put in the bowl. Here are some examples to get the creativity goin’:
- Shaving cream and dried beans
- Mushed banana
- Aluminum foil covered in petroleum jelly
- Dried pasta in yogurt
- A band-aid covered in baby powder
- You get the idea…
- After the winner has their item(s) selected, place them in the bowl.
- The blindfolded person then has to guess what’s in the bowl!
- Once they guess correctly (or give up), switch roles.
- Go for a total of three rounds, so that each person guesses/chooses 3 times!
Here’s The Point:
Have you ever felt aluminum foil covered in petroleum jelly while you’re blindfolded? Yeah, this was probably a first for everyone. When we interact with something unfamiliar, our minds tend to try and find a spot for it. And sometimes, petroleum jelly might all of the sudden feel really, really gross and unfamiliar. But, when you take the blindfold off and see it for what it actually is, it all makes sense again!
The same thing happens in our relationships. If one person explains something or does something that doesn’t make sense to us, our minds will make assumptions and try and fit it into a familiarly shaped box. But if we don’t take off the blindfold of our own opinions and assumptions, we’ll never fully understand what they’re trying to communicate.
Take It To The Next Level:
Here are some questions you can ask each other to dig a little deeper and make your connection even stronger!
- In what ways have you seen me leave my “blindfold” on to the things you say/do?
- How can I help you remember to take your “blindfold” off?
- What’s one thing we can do regularly to make sure we’re on the same page?
How to Stay Positive When Everything Seems to Be Falling Apart
We were about a month into our COVID-19 quarantine when it finally happened. There had been some ups and downs, of course, but I was feeling pretty good and able to stay positive as an individual, husband, and father. My family was handling it all surprisingly well. I was getting tons of work done. I felt like I was leading the family well. Then I finally snapped.
During the month or so of quarantine, I had been straining, working from home, fearful about my wife working in the medical field, stressed about a son doing middle school online, anxious about a son doing college online, sad for two adult children out of work, worried about one adult child still working in “essential services,” and totally uneasy about my at-risk mother-in-law. ALL of this under ONE roof. (You catch all the emotions in there? I didn’t.) But we were actually navigating it fairly well and trying to stay positive – movie nights, game nights, lots of good conversations. We got this!
Then it all started to unravel. Then I unraveled. Big time.
In the span of a few days:
- My wife was filing for unemployment.
- We had a brush with a tornado that left us with a yard full of fallen trees.
- We had no power to our house for days.
- My car broke down while I was getting ice to keep food from spoiling. (It all spoiled anyway.)
- We had friends who completely lost their homes and we were heartbroken.
- We had all-new financial pressures.
Things were starting to pile up. Stress and worry were at all new levels.
I ignored it – too much to get done!
After about four days of trying to adjust to Generator Life and a bunch of new problems and expenses, I was soon trying to stay positive and hold my world together with threads and patches.
Then, in a single moment, life came undone. (Of course, it did.) The reality is, I came undone. Ironically, it was actually a relatively small thing that did it. Something so small that it would have been no big deal in any other context. Straw. Camel. Back. You know the saying.
I’ll admit it – I was lying in bed crying with the door locked, feeling fragile and helpless.
How did it get to this? I’m stronger than this! What if anyone in my family sees me like this?
If we can allow ourselves to be honest, vulnerable, transparent humans for just a second, you might be feeling it, too. You might be close to snapping. Maybe you are on the edge of being overwhelmed. You may have already broken down. Your story and circumstances might have some major things going on in them that make my little pity party look pitiful.
What do you do to stay positive when it all seems to fall apart?
Here’s what I learned after I snapped back from my snap:
- Acknowledge your emotions and share them with people that you trust. For a while, I had been suppressing or burying emotions and needs deep down, trying to play it cool, but making myself a ticking time bomb.
- Be real with your kids, your spouse, and your friends, because they have their “moments” too. Kids don’t need their parents to be perfect; they need them to be real. It’s good for them to see you work through imperfection and real-world problems.
- Guard your mindset! Be careful what you look for in life, because you’ll find it. If you look for everything that is wrong, you’ll find it and focus on it. If you look for what is going right, that’s there, too. Find it and focus on it. You can acknowledge what’s wrong and still practice gratitude for what’s right. Remember what is really important – people.
- Practice self-care. I was afraid to be honest with myself and the people around me – people that I know would help me, let me blow off steam, and help me process my emotions. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s more than okay to take care of yourself! Practice self-care. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can take care of yourself—physically and emotionally.
- Breathe. Think. Act. Take a moment to take some deep breaths, think about what you can and can’t control, and then respond appropriately – don’t react. Don’t make important decisions when you aren’t your best self or you’ve gone to pieces.
- Focus on helping others. This may sound counter-intuitive, but nothing feels better than helping someone with their problems. It actually makes our brain release happy chemicals and it may take your mind off your problems or even put them in perspective.
It’s okay to have a “moment”; it’s not okay to stay there. We’ve all been at a place where we felt like it was just one bad thing after the other and we’ve felt overcome by stress, anxiety, anger, or sadness. Give yourself permission to be real, but also develop a plan to stay positive the next time you feel overwhelmed and about to break down.
