How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 2
Intimacy can be a scary word for some people, but it is an essential part of keeping romance strong in your marriage. We often think of intimacy as sex, but it’s so much more than that. It’s how we connect at the deepest levels. Connecting in one of the five types of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual) deepens the others. That’s totally a win for your relationship.
Ready to dive a little deeper into each type of intimacy and learn ways to pursue it? Let’s go!
1. Emotional intimacy happens through trust and vulnerability.
It’s about revealing yourself fully to your spouse.
How can you build emotional intimacy? For starters, be vulnerable with one another. Sharing your dreams, faults, fears, and hopes increases emotional intimacy. Each day, commit to really talking about your day and more. Ditching the technology and making eye contact can help you focus. It can help you grow emotionally closer, too.
2. Intellectual intimacy creates a space to share thoughts without fear of judgment.
Remember, you’re two people with different backgrounds and views. You may not always agree on everything. And that’s ok.
How can you build intellectual intimacy? Practice having conversations around challenging topics. This isn’t about changing each other’s minds; it’s about better understanding one another. Ask lots of questions to make sure you understand. Genuinely listen to what your partner says.
3. Experiential intimacy is what you get when sharing experiences.
Trips, adventures, hobbies – all those things you do together that bring you closer.
How can you build experiential intimacy? Do something together you both enjoy or try something new. Take a crafting class, go for a hike, kayaking, or a bike ride. Make a list of things one or both of you would like to do. Doing fun stuff together makes you want to do more, strengthening your bond.
4. Spiritual intimacy isn’t just about religion.
It’s about sharing values and beliefs. More than likely, you and your spouse share some core values. That may be part of what brought you together.
How can you build spiritual intimacy? Start by writing down your family values and beliefs. Look for ways to implement those.
5. Sexual intimacy seems pretty obvious. But getting to a place of sexual intimacy isn’t always easy.
If you aren’t connecting intimately in the other ways, this one can be pretty tricky (or non-existent). Physical and emotional changes, stress, and kids can impact this intimacy. This intimacy can also be difficult if there’s past trauma.
How can you build sexual intimacy? Have a conversation about your sexual needs and desires. Be open and talk about it. And schedule sex. Your calendar is full of appointments and activities, so why not add sex? When you prioritize it, you’re more likely to make it happen. Anticipating it can make it more enjoyable for you both, too. [How’s Your Sex Life Quiz]
Connecting with your spouse intimately in each of these ways can fuel the romance in your marriage.
Turn toward each other and talk honestly about how your relationship is going in each of these five areas. Learn each other’s intimacy needs. If you feel that one area needs work, focus on growing that intimacy together.
Keeping romance strong in your marriage takes intentionality and commitment from both of you to make it happen. Taking small steps toward each other every day can keep you from getting overwhelmed. And seeing your romance blossom can motivate you to stay the course.
Other blogs:
6 Exercises to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Course: Discover Deeper Intimacy – INTRO – First Things First
How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 1
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, but the romance doesn’t have to end. For some, the weeks leading up to and away from the “love holiday” are filled with romantic gestures. Others may have lost that loving feeling. Maybe the romance has faded in your marriage. Life gets hectic, and we lose focus. Work demands increase. Kids bring on a whole new level of exhaustion. Our relationship becomes routine.
Routines don’t have to ruin your romance, though. You can always rekindle that fire, and with a bit of intentionality, you and your spouse can keep the romance strong.
Here are a few ways to get started:
1. Keep dating your spouse.
Remember what it was like when you were dating, before you got married? The long walks holding hands? The intimate conversations while getting to know each other? Prioritizing your budding relationship? Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that all has to stop. Your relationship probably needs those dates now more than ever. Put those date nights on the calendar and prioritize them. Hold hands often. Treat the person you married the same as you treated them when you were falling in love. [This date night can help!]
2. Study your spouse.
We are constantly growing as individuals. Our opinions and views evolve. There’s always something to learn about your spouse. If you don’t know their love language, that’s a great place to start. Your love language is the way that you receive love. Dr. Gary Chapman says there are five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. We all have a love language (or two) that we prefer. Get to know your spouse, but don’t stop there. Keep learning and pursuing them. Curiosity is a beautiful thing in a relationship.
3. Surprise and delight your spouse.
Leave notes in their lunch, car, or on the bathroom mirror. Text them throughout the day just to say I love you. Surprise them with their favorite drink. Use the knowledge you gained from studying them to speak their love language. Maybe that means taking on some of their household chores or responsibilities so they can relax and recharge. Looking for ways to surprise your spouse shows them they are on your mind, and their feelings are a priority.
4. Commit to pursuing intimacy in all its forms.
It’s common to equate intimacy with sex, but it’s so much more than that. Intimacy is our innermost thoughts and feelings. It allows us to bond with each other on several levels. While many healthy relationships involve intimacy, marriage should be the most intimate. Your spouse should know you more deeply than anyone else.
There are five types of intimacy: emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual. Focusing on each one increases the others. Continual conversation is a necessity to grow your intimacy as well.
Start the conversation with your spouse about these ways to keep romance strong in your marriage.
If you’re ready to dive into each type of intimacy and find out how to build it in your relationship, let’s take a deeper look and talk about practical ways to grow your intimacy in How to Keep Romance Strong in Marriage: Part 2.
Other blogs:
4 Signs Your Marriage Is Healthy – First Things First
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life – First Things First
What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage? (And Why Does It Matter?) – First Things First
5 Ways to Make this Valentine’s Special
Valentine’s Day is special. It’s a day of love – a day to shower our significant other with flowers, gifts, and romance. The expectations can be overwhelming. But the day doesn’t have to be.
It’s a day for the two of you, so make it memorable in your own way. It may mean a night out on the town or an intimate night in.
Focusing on what makes your spouse feel loved is what makes it memorable.
Here are 5 ways to make this Valentine’s special:
1. Tell your spouse 10 ways they’re a great partner.
It’s easy to take for granted all the ways your spouse is remarkable. Life’s busy, and we forget to express our gratitude to each other. Take this Valentine’s to tell them just how great they are, but it doesn’t have to be confined to a card. Get creative in the delivery. Here are a few ideas for how to express your feelings.
- Leave Post-it notes around the house. Hide them in places like their underwear drawer, work bag, or shoes. After the first few notes, it gets exciting to figure out where the rest are.
- Give them a note a day for 10 days. If they take their lunch to work, that’s a great place to hide them. Or on the bathroom mirror if you wake up before they do.
- Employ the kids as messengers. Let them get creative.
2. Ditch the fancy dinner for a food tour.
Mix it up for dinner this year. Instead of making a reservation for dinner, select a part of town with several restaurants and make it a food tour. Have appetizers and drinks at one location, pick a different spot for the main course, then head for dessert and coffee. If the restaurants are close together, you can go for a nice walk as well.
This creates the perfect opportunity to explore what each of you likes. You can alternate picking locations. As you transition from one location to another, talk about what you like about that particular place or food. Smells and tastes have the power to transport us to a time and place in our past. Explore those sensations together.
3. Take a scenic drive.
Make a playlist and hit the road. There’s nothing more I love than driving through the countryside and talking. One rule, though: Ditch the phones! (Okay, let me specify. You may need GPS or music but no social media, texting, or phone calls.)Take in all the scenery and have some deep conversations. My wife and I have the deepest conversations when we’re out driving.
4. Tour your local area.
Have you explored all of your city? Are there places you want to visit but never have? Think of this as a scavenger hunt without the clues. Choose a couple of sites each, then surprise each other with the locations.
Here’s a couple of ideas to make this special:
- Choose places significant to your relationship, like your first date, where you met, or your first kiss. You can revisit those memories and talk about how you’ve grown.
- Choose an area you’ve never visited, but you’d like to. Go for a walk and discover the food, stores, and parks in the area. Talk about what you find. You may just find your new favorite place!
5. Make intimacy a priority.
Before you think, “Of course, he said make sex a priority,” read that again. The Oxford dictionary defines intimacy as “the inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.”
Intimacy comes in different forms, too. Yes, there’s sexual intimacy, but that’s only one form. There’s also emotional, intellectual, physical, experiential, and spiritual intimacy.
We all need intimacy. And your needs may be different from your spouse’s. That’s okay! Part of marriage is learning about and discovering each other. So make it a priority to get more intimate with your spouse. [Boost your intimacy with this Heart to Heart text series!]
Make this Valentine’s even more special by committing to celebrate your love throughout the year. Be intentional about studying your spouse and growing closer together every day.
Other blogs:
What is “Romance” in Marriage? – First Things First
Why Date Night Matters – First Things First
What To Do When Your Spouse Has Changed
Navigating changes in your spouse can be difficult and serious. How serious?
If changes in your spouse cause you emotional or physical harm, consider reevaluating your relationship to determine if your situation is safe.
That serious. Short of that, even well-intentioned, positive changes in your spouse can still be distressing, frustrating, and confusing.
Change! = Adapting? = Distress!
On your wedding day, you knew that you, your spouse, and your marriage relationship wouldn’t remain exactly the same. Of course, there would be changes! The honeymoon phase passed. Seasons of life bring changes, and shifting circumstances like careers and children offer new challenges, too.
But maybe your spouse has really changed. Perhaps you’re feeling insecure, or like you’re being stretched beyond your ability to adapt in a relationship that feels unpredictable. That HURTS. That’s Change-Pain.
★ Heads Up! Your Change-Pain reflex might be to go for the “quick fix” and… change your spouse.
Change-Pain whispers: Just apply pressure to your spouse in the right spot, in the right way to, you know, change the change. It’s tempting – but be careful with your reflexes. Change-Pain can make us react to our spouse in unhealthy ways.
You don’t want to make things worse.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says, “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.” Perhaps you’ve seen this play out already.
We have to negotiate and navigate change. This requires (hard) conversations and resilience. Melissa Ferrari, psychotherapist and counselor, offers essential advice about talking through changes with your spouse:
“Relationships can survive arguments but generally not threats.”
You know when you go to the doctor, and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?
Imagine a scale for Change-Pain.
How would you rate that?
1 Bear with me; I have to ask. Have you changed in a way you might not have noticed?
Looked at things from your spouse’s perspective? Are you balancing your concerns for yourself with concerns for your spouse? Are your feelings and responses proportional to the change in your spouse? In a healthy way, openly and honestly share how you feel.
2-3 Has there been a change in circumstances? Big or small? Good or bad?
Changing circumstances usually change people. Acknowledging this isn’t an excuse, but it may explain some things. Talk with your spouse about it. Be honest, direct, and kind. Express your concerns and feelings and be willing to listen to theirs. Working through this can strengthen your relationship.
4-5 Do the changes in your spouse conflict with your needs, desires, priorities, or goals? Do you relate to each other differently?
These aren’t small things, but you can work through them. Your spouse might have no idea how you feel. Start there. Try to be positive, flexible, and hopeful.
6-7 Feeling deceived or duped?
Was there a Major Thing you and your spouse discussed before you married, and now your spouse has changed their mind? These situations can easily make you feel uncertain, insecure – even cheated. Get the support you need. Your conversations with your spouse may need to be mediated by a couple’s counselor or therapist. That’s okay.
8-9 Have changes radically impacted your relationship or put it at risk?
Practice curiosity and share your concerns with your spouse. Prioritize staying connected. Explore the little daily actions that keep a couple connected. Psychologist Dr. Jamie Long drops some wisdom here: Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. Don’t settle.
10 This needs to be taken extremely seriously. Is there emotional or physical abuse?
Are you scared or nervous to disagree with your spouse? Do you feel safe? Bring in the professionals and even the law NOW. (For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here, or contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233.)
Change (and your threshold for adapting to it) exists on a spectrum. Is it possible to communicate and negotiate to a middle ground you can BOTH live with? Not just to keep going, but to keep growing?
Your spouse has changed. BUT, you can only control one thing: YOU. Please don’t let this be discouraging – it’s empowering!
How we respond to challenges forges our identity.
What happens next might be tricky. Working toward growth and connection will probably require time, energy, commitment, or even a brave acceptance of something new. Get help when you need it.
Marriage is hard sometimes. It might feel like a mountain to climb if your spouse has changed. But, if you choose to climb, you’ll be a marriage-mountain-climbing marvel.
And soon, you’ll be enjoying the view.
Sources:
You Are Not the Person I Married | Psychology Today
How to Navigate and Embrace Change in Your Relationships | PsychCentral
12 Thirty-Second Ways to Connect With Your Spouse | Psychology Today
7 Small Ways Spouses Can Stay Connected
Please use the resources below to address your specific needs:
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You
What to Do When You Disagree With Your Spouse
Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
8 Things You Should Never Do During an Argument With Your Spouse
5 Tips for Understanding Your Strong-Willed Spouse
What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations
How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse
6 Ways To Agree To Disagree With My Spouse
What To Do When You Disappoint Your Spouse
Disappointment is a revelation. Disappointment in marriage – doubly so. Sadly, we usually don’t sit with it long enough to learn all we should. When you disappoint your spouse, you are faced with several choices. We’ll look at some practical actions you can take, but first, you need to address your relationship with disappointment. Remember, you aren’t alone in this. I’ve been there so much I’ve made up words for my options.
When you disappoint your spouse, you can choose:
1. “Self-Regretrospect.”
This is looking back on what you did, feeling appropriate regret, and learning from it. I can totally see how that disappointed my spouse. I need to make it right with them and learn from this.
This is sitting WITH the disappointment you caused.
2. “Self-Vulnercade.”
This is barricading your vulnerability. It’s not a big deal. They disappoint me all the time. I would never do that. Just get over it.
This is sitting AWAY from the disappointment you caused.
3. “Self-Crucifiction.”
This is fictional martyrdom. I’m the worst! Why do I always screw everything up? I can’t do anything right! I’m terrible!
This is sitting IN the disappointment you caused.
If you can muster some self-regretrospection and sit with the disappointment you inflicted, you’re in a place to learn something valuable. Disappointment reveals where hope is. You’re disappointed the recipe didn’t turn out because you hoped it would be tasty. You’re disappointed your team lost because you hoped they’d win.
There is no disappointment without hope.
So. You’ve disappointed your spouse. They’re understandably upset. Now, think about the hopes your spouse has that were let down. Be specific. They could be hopes for particular actions or hopes for certain character qualities. They could be hopes for a special kind of relationship. Learn into it.
What better way to grow closer to your spouse than to understand their hopes?
I’ve been married for 28 years. Do you know what I’ve learned about disappointing my spouse and being disappointed? It happens often, but worse, we usually totally waste it.
We don’t learn anything from it, so our relationship doesn’t grow. But disappointment is fertile soil for bitterness and resentment, even in the healthiest of marriages. For both of you. ¡No Bueno!
Sadly, it’s taken most of my 28 years of marriage for me to realize that we rarely have the right discussion/argument/fight. Instead of defending & deflecting, instead of wilting & wallowing, I should own more. Take more responsibility. And then explore my wife’s hopes. Study them. Celebrate them. THIS: Protect her hopes because they’re connected to her dreams.
That’s all good in theory, but let’s get practical.
“What if my spouse’s hopes are unrealistic, impossible, and romanticized? I’ll always end up disappointing them!”
That’s a great point and a valid question. Our hopes need to be continually evaluated, calibrated, and recalibrated. But remember, hope by definition is a stretch between what is and what could be.
Hope in marriage should stretch you as individuals and as a couple, but hope should never break you. If you’re continually being broken, that’s not hope; that’s hurt, and it needs to be addressed. The goal is to keep growing as you keep going.
What do you do short-term when you disappoint your spouse? Like, now?
Your spouse’s hopes have been dashed and they are hurt and disappointed. Of course, this is not where you want to park your relationship.
You can hear and validate your spouse’s feelings in the moment and explore their hopes and expectations later.
(1.) Own your actions, words, and attitudes.
(2,) Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings.
(3.) Apologize for disappointing your spouse.
(4.) Then, at the right time, ask questions and listen to the answers.
“What do you think is the hope driving that?” or “What is the hope beneath that?”
It might be trust, respect, feeling heard, feeling cherished – who knows? But that’s what you’re actually working on – not just dishes, taking out the trash, helping with the kids, folding laundry, and sending 😍 😍 😍 texts.
★ Heyo! Your spouse might realize they need to address their hopes and expectations. Maybe they go beyond a healthy stretch to an unhealthy setup for perpetual disappointment. This is an ongoing convo that should strengthen your bond. This is the heart of marital growth.
Homebuilding is Hopebuilding.
Your goal isn’t to stop disappointing your spouse. It’s way deeper. Your goal is to always be working to protect their hopes. When your spouse sees you working to that end, so many of life’s disappointments, big or small, just seem to… fade… away.
Other blogs:
5 Ways to Reduce Resentment in Your Marriage – First Things First
How to Overcome Built-Up Resentment in Marriage – First Things First
How to Stop Resentment – First Things First
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You – First Things First
What to Do When You Feel Compassion Fatigue
Have you ever felt like you’ve cared so much you just can’t anymore? Like you’re exhausted from taking care of others? Even if you’ve never heard of compassion fatigue, you may be familiar with what it is. Maybe more familiar than you’d like.
What is compassion fatigue?
Psychologist Charles Figley says it’s “a state of exhaustion and dysfunction, biologically, physiologically and emotionally, as a result of prolonged exposure to compassion stress.”
In essence, it’s feeling like you have no more empathy to give.
Compassion fatigue is most often associated with health care workers, first responders, law enforcement, therapists and at-home caregivers. But we’re all at risk of feeling this way.
Let’s face it: Life can be downright draining.
Caring for sick or aging loved ones may be wearing you out. Perhaps you’re tired of giving grace to your spouse. Maybe you don’t feel like you have anything left to give your kids. The non-stop flow of information about the suffering around the world can overwhelm you. All these things (and more) can contribute to a feeling of emotional exhaustion.
The root of compassion fatigue is in caring for others.
It would be easy to confuse compassion fatigue with burnout, but they’re a bit different. According to the American Institute of Stress, burnout is marked by emotional exhaustion and withdrawal associated with cumulative stress at work. [Read https://firstthings.org/7-ways-to-prevent-burnout/.]
Compassion fatigue occurs because of the emotional strain of supporting those who are suffering from something traumatic. It is rooted in caring for others. It’s not just a workplace thing, but it can co-exist with burnout, especially for those in service professions.
Look for these symptoms.
Some symptoms of compassion fatigue are:
- Physical and psychological exhaustion
- Feeling helpless, hopeless, or powerless
- A decreased sense of personal and professional accomplishment
- A change in your worldview or spirituality
- Drastic shifts in mood
- A dramatic withdrawal from social connections
Since compassion fatigue affects your mental and physical health, it also impacts the quality of your relationships with your partner, children, friends, and co-workers.
Remember, caring for yourself properly can help you care effectively for others. So, if (or when) you find that you’ve run out of empathy to give, understanding how to combat those feelings can help you move forward.
Fighting Compassion Fatigue
Psychiatrist Yazhini Srivathsal, M.D., offers a few ways to combat compassion fatigue:
- Follow general self-care guidelines – get plenty of sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, and nurture social relationships.
- Practice gratitude and being engaged in the present moment.
- Avoid information overload. If too much negative information stresses you out, take steps to decrease how much you consume.
- Engage in activities that rejuvenate you.
- Understand that pain and suffering are normal, and you have no control over them.
- Focus on what you can control, like your thoughts and feelings. You may not be able to control what happens around you or to you, but you can control how you react.
- If needed, seek professional help.
Helping others is an important component of healthy relationships. Your partner, your children, and your loved ones depend on you, and that can be overwhelming. When you feel compassion fatigue begins to set in, take the proper steps to care for yourself. If you see these signs in your loved ones, stepping in and offering to walk alongside them can alleviate some of their load.
Other helpful blogs:
What to Do When Everything Feels Hopeless – First Things First
How to Stay Motivated as a Parent – First Things First
How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges – First Things First
5 Benefits of Being Thankful – First Things First
Sources:
Compassion Fatigue – The American Institute of Stress
Are You Suffering from Compassion Fatigue? | Psychology Today
Compassion Fatigue: Symptoms To Look For
Six Good Habits to Start for Your Marriage in the New Year
Happy New Year! Did you make all your resolutions? What are your goals for this year? Whether you made some or not, I’d like to challenge you to add one resolution: Make this year one of growth for your marriage.
Marriage isn’t easy, but a great marriage is achievable with intentionality and commitment. You can form and keep habits to help you strengthen your relationship and grow your marriage in this new year.
Here are six good habits to start for your marriage:
1. Be intentional about intimacy.
I get it. Life can be hectic. We all have those times when we let intimacy slip a little. With intentionality, you can make intimacy a central part of marriage. But intimacy isn’t just sex. That’s part of it, but there is much more to it. There are actually five types of intimacy: emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and sexual. When you’re intentional about increasing intimacy in these areas, your marriage grows deeper.
2. Date regularly.
Regular date nights are crucial to a healthy marriage. There are numerous benefits to date nights as well. Here are some of them:
- Help couples connect
- Build resilience
- Increase happiness
Date nights don’t have to be expensive, either. You can get creative and go for a picnic, enjoy a park together, or just grab a coffee or hot tea and chat. Dates don’t have to be limited to the evening, so get creative with what works best for your schedules. If you don’t date regularly, start with once a month and increase frequency to fit your lifestyle. Pull out those calendars and make sure you’re both aware of what each other has going on. Schedule your date nights so you don’t book something else over them.
3. Express appreciation for each other.
As we navigate the daily grind, it can be easy to take each other for granted. Expressing appreciation helps connect us, and it starts with a simple “thank you.” Science tells us the benefits are enormous. Helping our relationship thrive and making us physically healthier are just a couple of advantages. Make gratitude an everyday habit in your marriage.
4. Play together.
Remember how fun it was to date before you got married? If playing is no longer part of your relationship, it’s time to create a new habit. Playing together can range from just being goofy to playing games together. My wife and I have always enjoyed a good Nerf battle.
5. Make time to talk.
Communication is essential in any relationship, but it’s at the core of a healthy marriage. We must make time to talk daily to strengthen our relationship. Setting aside at least five minutes per day to talk with your spouse can make you both feel more connected and understood. This means sitting down face to face – no technology, no kids – just the two of you. According to Dr. John Gottman, “If you don’t work at communication, the relationship will deteriorate over time, just like a car that’s not taken care of will fall apart.”
6. Share your dreams and goals.
Remember when you were dating, and you’d share your dreams? Well, don’t let that die! Our dreams change as we get older, and that’s ok, but keep sharing your dreams. My wife and I started keeping a dream journal a couple of years ago. Nothing complicated – we just grabbed some notebooks. We started writing down places we wanted to go, things we wanted to accomplish, and any other dreams we had.
Also share your career, health, and financial goals, or whatever they are. If you set goals for the new year, share those. Be each other’s accountability partner and cheerleader. Your marriage will thrive when you’re growing together.
Start this year off by forming habits to deepen your connection and strengthen your marriage. Although it takes time to create a new habit, the time it takes depends on you. Your marriage is worth the effort and focus. Don’t give up! Keep working to make this the best year yet for your marriage.
Other blogs:
Couples Who Play Together – First Things First
What to Do When My Spouse Feels Unappreciated – First Things First
5 Keys to Being Thankful in Marriage
6 Exercises to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
What to Do When Your Spouse Disappoints You
Disappointment hurts, especially from the one you love the most. And when your spouse disappoints you, you probably experience several emotions. Anger. Frustration. Hurt. Sadness. Bewilderment. (What were they thinking? Right?)
Disappointment in your spouse can spark uncertainty and shake your trust. It might even make you wonder if you can rely on them at all.
First, let me just say: You’re not alone, and every married person disappoints their spouse at some point. Your feelings are honest, legit, and okay. And even though disappointment is common in marriage, knowing that doesn’t really make things easier. So let’s talk about it.
Some things to consider:
Unmet expectations breed disappointment.
Everybody enters marriage with a certain standard in mind.1 This is a good thing. It means you have relationship goals. You want your marriage to thrive. If your spouse lets you down, it hinders those goals. Enter disappointment and the emotions that follow.
Ask yourself:
What do you expect from your spouse? How do your expectations connect to your overall relationship goals?
Disappointment comes in different flavors.
Although everybody experiences disappointment in marriage, it’s not all the same. It may stem from a specific issue. I can’t believe they forgot to take the trash out… again. Or, it can be more general. This is not how I thought it’d be.
Disappointment can also happen over seemingly minor or explicitly major issues (whether it’s the trash or infidelity). Of course, disappointing situations feel major to you. That’s why they’re disappointing.
Healthy responses to disappointment may be somewhat different depending on the situation.2 The big lesson here is to become aware of why you’re disappointed.
Ask yourself:
What exactly did your spouse do or not do that disappointed you?
Is the disappointment in something specific or general? Issues that are minor or major?
You are coping with your disappointment in one way or another.
You can’t help but respond, whether involuntarily or by choice. Even if you’re not sure what to do, you may feel angry, passive-aggressive, secretly imagine getting back at them, or avoid the issue altogether.
However, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope and respond. Choosing to respond in a healthy way is key to working through the disappointment.
Ask yourself:
How are you coping or responding right now? Would you say your responses are healthy or unhealthy?
Be careful about what your disappointment might lead you to assume.
When your spouse disappoints you, it usually doesn’t mean:
- He or she is a bad person.
- They aren’t right for you.
- Your marriage is doomed.3
At the least, it means that expectations need to be clear. And for the more serious offenses, your partner may need help to overcome certain behaviors. (More on that in a bit.)
Ask yourself:
Why might your spouse have acted (or failed to act) the way they did that led to your disappointment?
What do you do, then, when your spouse disappoints you? How do you handle it?
- Reframe it. Ironically, even though it feels like your disappointment drives you further away from your spouse, it can be an opportunity to grow closer. Try looking at it as a chance to clarify what you both expect and strengthen your marriage goals.
- Express it, but being aware of your composure is key. Remember: How you come across when you explain your disappointment influences your spouse’s response.
- Have forgiveness at the ready. Forgiveness is a process. But it’s tough to move forward if you harbor resentment and bitterness.
- Re-clarify your expectations. What do you specifically hope for from your spouse? Does your spouse think they can successfully meet your expectations? Work on compromises and talk about how expectations can be realistic and shared.
- Ask your spouse how you can help each other be more successful at meeting expectations.
- Continually affirm your spouse for their effort.
Realize that it might be best to seek a professional counselor’s advice at some point. This is especially true if your spouse’s behavior is recurring or addictive, or if they show apathy or disinterest in working toward a solution. Seeing a therapist together is best. But if they won’t go with you, seeing a counselor on your own can help you find healthy ways to cope.
It’s not fun when your spouse disappoints you, but it is normal. And it’s a chance to be in a better place today than you were yesterday. Choosing healthy responses can help you grow closer to your spouse in the midst of disappointment.
Sources:
1Baucom, Epstein, N., Sayers, S., & Sher, T. G. (1989). The Role of Cognitions in Marital Relationships: Definitional, Methodological, and Conceptual Issues. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 31–38.
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3Vangelisti, & Alexander, A. L. (2002). Coping with Disappointment in Marriage: When Partners’ Standards Are Unmet. In Understanding Marriage (pp. 201–227). Cambridge University Press.
