How to Overcome Built-Up Resentment in Marriage

Even though it may be hard or even painful, a healthier relationship is worth the effort.
By Reggie Madison
January 7, 2021

If you knew a killer was in your house, you’d fight to protect your family, right? Well, built-up resentment can be a silent killer in marriage that’s hard (but not impossible) to overcome. 

Festering resentment affects what you think of your spouse and how much you trust them. It can erode emotional intimacy and connectedness. It can also lead to contempt, which is something you definitely don’t want in your marriage.

It’s painful when your spouse hurts, disappoints, or makes you angry over and over again. Those unresolved issues, repeated disappointments, and unmet expectations can leave you feeling stuck in a nasty rhythm. You may even be wondering if you can ever move past the resentment you feel. Or even like your spouse again. 

You’re not alone or crazy. And resentment is something EVERYONE struggles with.

Overcoming built-up resentment in marriage isn’t easy. These tips can help as you try to overcome built-up resentment toward your spouse.

Choose to let some things go.

Allowing your hurt or anger to determine what you think about your spouse is not helpful. Try to understand yourself and your triggers. Letting go of resentment is a win for your marriage.

Empathize and recognize.

We all want to know our feelings matter. When we’re struggling with resentment, we sometimes make short or snappy responses and snarky comments or give our spouse the silent treatment. And that resentment continues to build when we don’t feel heard. My wife and I are still growing in this area. We’ve been working on not having to be right all the time, understanding each other’s emotions, and trying to empathize with tough choices. Understanding each other has been a game-changer for us.

Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Recognize that they may have good intentions. (Read more about empathy here, here, and here.)

Forgive and Apologize.

Easier said than done, right? This can be a hard one. But if you don’t forgive and let go of grudges you’ve been holding, you’ll continue to feel disconnected. You may be trying to punish your spouse by holding on to resentment, but forgiveness allows you both to heal and grow.

Retrain your brain.

Resentment often makes little things seem worse than they really are, and it can rewire your brain to think negatively toward your spouse. That may leave you in a resentment rut. Get out of that rut by focusing on the positive without ignoring what’s bothering you! Show your spouse you appreciate them, and acknowledge how they make you and your marriage better.

Be honest with yourself.

Is it really about your spouse, or is there something personal you may need to work through? Our past experiences and our self-protective instincts affect the way we see things. You may think your spouse is being inconsiderate or selfish, but it’s possible you made an assumption or tried to read their mind (been there; doesn’t work). You (or both of you) may have a blind spot or two. 5 Days to Better Communication may help you see a little more clearly. 

Dig deeper by asking: Why am I holding on to this anger? Does this remind me of something else? Am I afraid of something?

Be honest with your spouse.

Find a good time to talk about your feelings. Use as many “I” statements as possible and try to stay away from phrases like “You never” or “You always.” Tell them how specific actions and comments make you feel without accusing your spouse of being all those nasty things you’ve probably conjured up in your mind. (That kind of conversation goes nowhere, fast!) It’ll be much easier to talk to each other if you’re not focusing on the negative.

Get the support your marriage needs.

Sometimes you’re gonna need a little help to work things out. If there’s an unwelcome visitor in your home and you can’t handle it yourself, you’ll call for backup. A qualified counselor can help you deal with deep-seated resentment or move past that thing you can’t let go of. There’s no shame in seeking help when you need it. And your marriage may depend on it. 

Resentment can totally kill your marriage if you don’t deal with it, so working through resentment is worth the effort. Together, you can overcome the obstacles, attack the issues instead of each other, and move forward in your marriage.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Thoughts? Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *