How to Have More Sex in Marriage
I know it ain’t easy to keep things rolling in the bedroom.
Life happens. Marriage goes through seasons of busyness and stress. Not to mention—one of you may be “in the mood” or tired more often than the other. And finding time to have more sex may not be at the top of your list.
But healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is a good thing. It can enhance and stimulate other parts of your marriage, like emotional intimacy, too. And vice versa. (Related: 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage)
But if there’s conflict, well… chances are, sparks aren’t flying in the B-E-D.
So then… how do you go about having more sex? Here are some thoughts:
1. Don’t make more sex the goal.
Wait, what?! Isn’t the title of this article How to Have More Sex? Yes, but here’s the deal.
Quantity and quality are not the same. And sexual intimacy doesn’t equal emotional intimacy, either.
Emotional intimacy involves understanding each other. Learning and growing together. Caring for and knowing each other well. When each spouse feels valued and understood, that closeness translates into a more satisfying sex life for you both. (Try these 6 exercises to strengthen emotional intimacy.)
Quality sex is where emotional and sexual intimacy meet. It means realizing what goes on in the day to day affects how much you enjoy your sexual experiences. Don’t underestimate the impact that considering your spouse’s needs in AND out of the bedroom can have on your sexual fulfillment.
So what is your goal? It’s being aware and working toward that emotional connectedness, which naturally leads to (you guessed it!) some pretty awesome sex. Who doesn’t want more of that?
(Up your Emotional Intimacy IQ here: What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage and Why Does It Matter?)
2. Don’t let your kids get in the way.
We’ve all been there: the heat is rising in the bedroom when KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK… “Mommy? Daddy? I can’t sleep. I’m thirsty.“
And just like that, the mood is shot.
No doubt, kids can unintentionally hinder sexual intimacy. Over the years, my wife and
I have established a lockdown procedure.
Lock door. ✅
Minimize the noise level. ✅. (There’s a closet door close that rattles if it’s not cracked. TMI? Well, now you know…)
If my wife thinks our activity could draw our kids’ attention, the deal’s off the table. Can you relate?
So, set up some lockdown rules.
- Install locks.
- Teach your kids that the bedroom is your room, and knocking is required.
- Establish “closing time” for both your bedroom and you; if it’s after closing time, don’t drop by. (Double Bonus: Kids learn respect and boundaries.)
If they’re old enough, you might bribe your kids to leave the house sometimes. Here’s a dollar; if you go play in the yard and don’t come in for half an hour, I’ll give you another.
Or, if you’re like a friend of mine, throw 99 pennies in the backyard and tell the kids they can’t come in the house until they find all 100 of them. ; )
3. Talk about sex (more).
Studies tell us that couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives.
- What turns each of you on or off? I mean, what if you’re doing something you think your spouse LOVES, but they don’t (or the other way around)?
- That thing they did that drove you crazy? Tell them.
- Discuss your favorite positions or things you’d like to do that you’ve never done.
- Send a sexy text, write a racy Post-it note or leave a steamy voicemail to build anticipation for your next rendezvous.
These ideas can be beneficial if one of you is more like a crockpot that needs to simmer and get ready for sexy time. If one of you is more like the Instant Pot, building up the pressure beforehand will make the release that much sweeter when it’s time to get down to business.
4. Schedule it.
Seriously, get a room. Or find a sitter. Have some “alone” time that works for both of you.
- Getting the kids to bed is a great incentive if you know prime time comes afterward.
- Are your kids late sleepers? Just might be worth it to be the early bird.
- Kids in school? You won’t have to worry about interruptions or those lockdown procedures if you take a long lunch here and there… just sayin’.
5. Get busy with dates.
Couples who have regular date nights report greater happiness. It’s true!
- Use what you learned from your sex talks to creatively plan something new and exciting for each other. Finding ways to please each other outside of the bedroom can help you score inside the bedroom.
- Invest in conversation and activities that help you connect more deeply.
- Plan it or be spontaneous! Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be expensive, but NOT dating your spouse can cost you some of the closeness you crave. (These date nights can make it easier!)
Doing these things will not only improve the quality of sex you have—it also sets you up for more frequent romps. You’ll be well on your way to more (and better) sex.
So what are you waiting for? Don’t you have some lockdown procedures to take care of?
More Resources:
Did you know that research shows the happiest couples have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction? When you think about your daily life with your honey, is this true for you? Well one great way to cash in on those positive interactions is through appreciation! This date night will guide you through how to show appreciation to your love, but also how to keep that habit going throughout the year!
Supplies:
- Sticky notes or small pieces of paper
- Two pens
- A bandana
- A timer (phone works fine)
- Headphones & a device to play music (optional)
The Main Idea:
Appreciation is a huge part of every relationship. But let’s be real, when you’re in the day-in and day-out of everyday life, it can be hard to remember to say “thank you” or “I love it when you…”. But that’s what this date night is for!
The goal is to create a chain reaction of appreciation that will last all year long (and more!). Let’s get started!
- First, each person grab a stack of sticky notes or a pile of about 10-15 pieces of paper.
- Next, without your partner seeing, write one way you are thankful for and/or appreciate your partner on each of the pieces of paper. (Check out the questions below if you get stuck!)
- Now, blindfold one person with the bandana and set a timer for 5 minutes. The non-blindfolded person will then spend those five minutes hiding all of their notes in places that their partner will find them either as they go through their daily routine or as the year goes by (toiletry bag, inside their pillowcase, in the box/bag of their favorite snack, tucked in their swimsuit or winter gloves, etc.)
- Maybe play some music through headphones for the blindfolded spouse so they don’t get any hints of where they might be!
- Once all the notes are hidden, switch roles. Spend another 5 minutes hiding the other partner’s notes!
- When you’re done, spend some time talking through the questions below.
Now here’s the kicker with this appreciation date night. When you find a note that your partner left for you, you have to write and hide one for them to find! That way, the appreciation can keep going on and on forever, if you let it!
Questions If You Get Stuck:
- What’s my favorite thing about my partner?
- What’s one thing my partner does that makes me smile?
- Has there been something they’ve done today that I haven’t thanked them for?
- Is there a responsibility my partner has taken on that I haven’t thanked them for?
- What’s one way my partner is great at recognizing my needs/wants?
- One thing I appreciate most about my partner is…
- One thing my partner does that often goes unnoticed is…
Questions For Conversation After Notes Are Hidden:
- Was it easy or hard for you to come up with things to put on the notes?
- Do you think we currently do a good job of showing appreciation for each other?
- Is there anything specific that you don’t feel appreciated about?
- What’s one thing we can do to make appreciation more of a habit in our relationship?
- Do you think we have a good balance of positive interactions for every negative interaction? (Reference the research in the intro of this date night if needed!)
- Are there currently any roadblocks to showing appreciation to each other?
- Have I ever made you feel unappreciated? How so?
- What’s one thing I can do to show that I appreciate you?
- Often, when responsibilities are expected of each other, they happen without appreciation. Would saying “thank you” for our individual responsibilities (mowing the lawn, feeding the pets, cleaning the bathrooms, managing the finances, etc.) make you feel more connected in our relationship? Why or why not?
Looking for more at-home date night ideas? Check ’em out here!
Welcome to the new year! Now that you’re getting back on track after the holidays, it’s definitely time for a date night. And why not plan some future date nights while you’re at it? During this date night, you and your honey will come up with a couple’s bucket list (that doubles as a memories notebook!) for the year. Here’s how to get started…
Supplies:
- 2 Pens
- A notebook
- Two pieces of brainstorming paper
- A timer
Instructions:
- First, take a moment and talk through the set of questions below. This will get your mind thinking about some great bucket list ideas for your notebook!
- Once all the questions have been answered, set a timer for 5 minutes. Each of you grab one of the pieces of brainstorming paper.
- When the timer starts, write down 10 things you want to do this year with your partner.
- Then, when the timer goes off, come up with 10-20 more things together to add to the lists. (Use the list below if you need some ideas!)
- Now here comes the awesome part… Transfer all of your bucket list into the notebook, but only put 1-2 on each page with a big gap between them.
- Under each bucket list idea, write out these prompts:
- Date Accomplished:
- Rating on a Scale of 1-10:
- What we loved:
- What we didn’t love:
- Best memory from this:
- Now, for each bucket list item you complete, fill out the prompts. You’ll have a whole memory journal by the end of the year!
Questions to Get Started:
- What was your favorite thing we did together last year?
- Was there anything you wish we could have done last year?
- What’s been your favorite thing we’ve ever done together?
- I get most excited with you when we…
- When was the last time you got butterflies because of me?
- How can we bring more new dates/experiences/things into our relationship this year?
- Would you rather spend a day together outside or inside? Do something creative or active? Spontaneous or planned out?
- What are you most looking forward to with me this year?
Example Bucket List Items for When You Get Stuck:
- Go to a park or a downtown area and do a photoshoot of each other
- See the sunrise together
- Get googly eyes and put them on random objects/signs in a public place
- Go on an all-day hike
- Try a new restaurant in the next town over
- Go to a city we’ve never been to
- Choose each other’s meals when out to eat
- Buy a two-person board game we’ve never heard of and play it
- Bake a difficult pastry recipe together (croissant, macarons, baklava, etc.)
- Pretend you’re tourists in your own town
- Go to a coffee shop and ask the barista to make you their favorite drink
Looking for more DIY date night ideas? Check out our library of creative, simple date nights here!
It’s the first day of a new year! And what better way to start it off than with a great DIY date night? This date can be done at pretty much any location at any time. It’s all about having those deep, rich, meaningful conversations—which can happen anywhere! But in case you’re tired of ordering takeout and flipping through Netflix, here are a few fun date ideas…
Basic Date Night Ideas:
- Try a new restaurant together! Bonus points if you try foreign cuisine and go with the most exotic thing on the menu!
- Grab your favorite snack, dessert, and drink. Then drive to the closest park or lookout near you! Even if the weather’s bad, you can stay in your car.
- Take a walk while the sun is setting (grab some hot cocoa if it’s cold)!
- Get a bunch of googly eyes from a craft store and find places to put them in public downtown!
- Have a bake-off at home. See who can make the best cookies, cake, etc.
- Find a place near you to go ice skating!
Now On to the Main Event:
While you’re enjoying your new restaurant or pretty view, it’s time to dig deep and feel connected! Use this list of questions below to set goals for yourself, your spouse, and you as a couple. Even better if you write them down and set a reminder to check it at the end of the year to see what all you accomplished!
- What health goals do you have for yourself this year? How can I help you accomplish those goals?
- What financial goals do you have for yourself this year? How can I help you accomplish those goals?
- What work/career goals do you have for yourself this year? How can I help you accomplish those goals?
- What relationship goals do you have for us this year? How can I help us accomplish those goals?
- What are three goals I should have that you can help keep me accountable with?
- Do you think you’re good at accomplishing goals? Do you think I am?
- What can I do to be a better encouragement to you?
- What’s the best goal you’ve ever accomplished?
- When have you been most proud of me? Of yourself?
- If you had to summarize your hopes for this year in one word, what would it be?
Want more ideas for DIY date nights? Check out our full list here!
25 Fun Holiday Date Ideas for Couples
The holidays are the perfect time for couples to experience closeness and connection in the spirit of the season. Try out a few of these fun holiday date ideas with the one you love most!
- Watch your favorite Christmas movie with some gourmet hot chocolate.
- Pick up some donuts and coffee and visit neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights.
- Bake Christmas cookies together to give to family, friends, neighbors, or first responders.
- Pick out a live tree or wreath at a Christmas tree farm.
- Check out a Christmas concert, either live or online. If you’re on a budget, look up local places of faith or high schools having choir or band concerts.
- Go Christmas gift shopping in your Christmas pajamas.
- Support a local organization such as Toys for Tots by shopping for and delivering gifts for needy families.
- Build gingerbread houses together using graham crackers, icing, and an assortment of candies.
- Decorate outside of your house with Christmas decorations and add one thing new this year.
- Go ice skating.
- Create ugly Christmas sweaters together and wear them out to eat.
- Have a couple of Christmas photos taken, either by a photographer or yourself using your phone. Be as creative and humorous as you can with locations and poses.
- If the weather is right, go sledding, build a snowman, or have a snowball fight. (Or make your own snow!)
- Go caroling with other couples or another group.
- Do your own photoshoot in matching Christmas pajamas.
- Have a backyard fire with hot chocolate and marshmallows.
- Dance in your living room to Christmas songs. (Set the playlist on random!)
- Have your picture taken with Santa.
- Take a holiday cooking class together, either in-person or streaming.
- Wrap gifts while playing holiday songs and eating Christmas treats.
- Visit your favorite coffee shop and write Christmas cards to families and friends. (Or create a Christmas letter.)
- Watch “A Christmas Story” and give each other a kiss every time the words “Christmas,” “Santa,” or “You’ll shoot your eye out” are said.
- Give each other a soothing massage with oil or lotion, candles, soft Christmas music, and nothing but the Christmas tree lights on.
- Get a box of assorted chocolates from the store and take turns giving each other a bite and guessing the flavor.
- Do holiday karaoke.
There’s no excuse to not enjoy some special time with your spouse this holiday season. Pick one of these ideas and make a fun holiday date this week. And happy holidays!
DIY Date Night | Christmas Crafting
‘Tis the season! Buuuut… Sometimes season might not seem quite as merry as you wish it was. Whether you’re hesitant to even start the process of decorating the house or you’re trying to keep your Christmas cheer on a budget this year, this date night will check all the boxes you need to get you in the spirit! The goal is to get in the mood for a great date night, some Christmas crafting, and making decorations out of things you either already have or can pick up at your next grocery run. Let’s get started!
Instructions:
This date night totally depends on how much you love to craft and how creative you want to be! You can either come up with something on your own, or use one of the ideas below to get you started. Be sure to take a look at the list of conversation starters for this date night!
Ideas to Get You Started:
- Use an empty toilet paper, paper towel, or wrapping paper roll. Cut it into ½ inch strips. Using glue and some gold or silver paint, make star ornaments for your tree!
- Grab some ribbon, go on a walk outside and find pine cones, and use little trinkets you have around your house to decorate a wreath.
- Get a white candle, some ribbon, a black and an orange sharpie, a button, and some glue and turn that candle into a snowman!
- Make a “snow” garland with cotton balls and fishing line.
- Use a tomato cage (upside down and ends tied to make a cone shape), garland, and lights to make mini Christmas trees.
- Put ping pong balls on top of Christmas lights to give them an upgrade.
- Make your fridge or your front door look like a snowman with some black and orange construction paper, and some fabric for a scarf!
- Make a cone out of cardboard or poster board. Wrap twine or colored string around it so it’s totally covering it. Paint glue evenly all over the twine. Once it’s dry, separate the paper from the twine and you’ll have a little tree!
- Combine ½ cup hair conditioner (white) and 3 cups baking soda to make fake snow.
Conversation Starters While You’re On Your Christmas Crafting Date Night:
- What’s your favorite Christmas tradition?
- What’s the best memory you have about Christmas?
- If you were served a 3 course meal tonight, what would you want each course to be?
- What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?
- Favorite and least favorite Christmas songs?
- Is there an overrated Christmas side dish?
- What’s your favorite Christmas movie?
- What’s one food that you would (or do) hide from me during the holidays?
- Finish this thought, “It wouldn’t be Christmas without _____.”
- Do you have a favorite ornament? What is it and why?
- Are there any traditions you want to start this year?
To see a list of all our DIY date nights, click here!
Image from Unsplash.com
DIY Date Night: Tree Traditions
Whether you’re sticking to the “rule” of not putting any Christmas decorations up until after Thanksgiving or you have had your tree up since October, this date night is for you! The Christmas Tree is the centerpiece of many traditions. But why not start a new tradition for it this year? Just pick one of the options below and get started!
If you don’t have your tree up yet…
- This date night is all about silliness, laughter, and getting to know your love a little deeper!
- For every ornament you put on the tree, you have to ask one question to your honey. It can be about them, about you, about your relationship, about the world, or anything else.
- Check out the list of questions below to get you started.
If you already have the tree up…
- Start a tradition of making ornaments together!
- To take it up a notch and choose a theme for your ornaments. They can be representative of how the year was, you could do woodland animals, or maybe something about a hobby you share!
- You can make the ornament using things you have in the house or that you find outside or go to a craft store to pick up some supplies.
- Check out this long list of ideas to get some inspiration!
- Use the list of questions below to help spark conversation throughout the date night and help you two connect deeply!
Questions to ask throughout the date night…
- What’s your favorite Christmas memory?
- How did your family celebrate Christmas when you were growing up?
- What traditions from your family do you want to carry on?
- When did you first know you loved me?
- When did you last feel cheerful?
- Would you say our relationship has changed you at all? In what ways?
- If you could celebrate Christmas with anyone in the world—living or dead—at any location in the world, who and where?
- How did I first get your attention?
- What was your favorite Christmas gift so far?
- What’s the best part of Christmas to you?
- Do you have any significant memories of us around the holidays?
- Which is better: Thanksgiving or Christmas?
- Do you have a favorite ornament?
Want more date night ideas? Check out all of our DIY, virtual date nights, and premium marriage events here!
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, gratitude is on many of our minds. Normally the first things we list when being thankful are the roof over our heads, the clothes on our back, or the food on the table. But what does gratitude look like in relationships? This date night will help you find out! It’s all about showing your honey how grateful you are for them, and helping you realize it, too!
Supplies:
- 1 jar of some sort (Glass or porcelain jar works best!)
- 2 full sheets of paper, each a different color
- 2 pens
- Scissors (optional)
- Decorations for your jar (optional)
- Sharpies
- Stickers
- DIY decor
Directions:
- Each person takes one sheet of paper.
- Either cut or tear the paper into 10 different pieces.
- Now, without showing your partner, write down 10 reasons why you are grateful for them and/or your relationship. (Use the questions below to spark a little creativity if you get stuck!)
- PRO TIP: Start each one with “I’m thankful for…” or “I’m grateful you…” to keep things on the right track.
- When both of you are done, put the lid on the jar and decorate it if you would like.
- Place the jar in a prominent place in your house.
- Over the next 20 days, take turns pulling out one of the papers and read why you’re thankful for each other!
- When you run out of slips of paper, have another date night and make more!
Questions to Help Spark Creativity:
- What’s your favorite thing your partner does for you?
- What’s your favorite memory of your relationship?
- What is the best thing that has happened to you because of your relationship?
- What’s one way your partner balances you well?
- What first made you fall in love with your partner?
Turn this date night into a marriage challenge with our FREE Marriage Guide: 30 Days of Gratitude and Love! Download it here.
