How To Increase Communication In Your Home
How do you increase communication in your home and make sure everyone’s connected?
When healthy communication is happening in the family, everyone feels connected and part of the same team. All the gears are synced up, your family is firing on all cylinders and is heading in the same direction. There are regular check-ins to make sure no one drops the ball and there are no surprise projects or performances. If issues need to be addressed with the whole family, you’re able to get everyone together and effectively address them. You and your spouse have plenty of time to express needs and concerns, feel heard and also have time to chat and stay connected.
There are two parts to getting connected and bonded together and building those strong relationships. The first is being intentional about one-on-one communication with each member of the family and the other is having good consistent communication together as a whole family. It would be nice to want this, snap your fingers and BOOM, life is golden. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. You’ll need to be intentional in your efforts and it will probably take some time to turn the ship. But the payoff can be life-changing for your family. This is so totally doable! You just have to tweak a few things.
1. One-On-One Communication.
Start here. Make time to hang out. Watch your kids play some video games, ask them to go run an errand with you, or take them out for ice cream. Car rides are magical communication times—the ride to school, practice, or a friend’s house—these are all primo talking opportunities. (Some family members are extroverted and will be talking your ears off. Don’t forget your quiet, introverted family members. You might have to make an extra effort to connect with them.) Some parents make the ride to school a tech-free zone to promote conversation in the car.
The basics of communication are speaking and listening, and there are ways to get better at both of them. They are learned skills you can improve on, but before we even get into that—communication usually happens organically when you are together.
2. Family Communication at Home.
Same rules apply. Communication usually happens organically when you are together—it’s just a matter of how to get everyone together. I know everyone is super busy (maybe that has to be addressed) but try to carve out at least a few times a week when you eat together with phones turned off. (I’m gonna give you some conversation starters so it isn’t just awkward silence.)
Family game nights, family movie nights, family outings to a park—these usually lead to some good ole’ fashioned chit-chat. Check out this Parenting Toolkit: A Family Guide To The Best Summer Ever! It’s filled with ideas for activities and conversation-starters. Plus each activity is geared toward learning an important relationship skill. Check out other family resources HERE.
If your family is going in a lot of different directions, weekly family meetings can decrease drama and encourage open communication as you talk about the family calendar, who needs to be where, when projects are due and require parental assistance, etc. Family meetings are also a way to empower your kids and encourage open communication. Anybody can request a family meeting if there is an urgent issue they believe needs to be discussed. In general, family meetings should be fun, short, and involve everyone. You want two-way communication, not a lecture. You are looking for feedback from everyone. Follow it up with a fun activity.
How do you get better at communication in general?
Here’s the insider info to get you communicating like a pro. We covered the need to be together, but now what? (If you have teens, check this out.)
The Speaking Part of Communication in Your Home
“So how was your day?”
“Okay.”
[Conversation over.]Here are five things you can ask instead of, “How was your day?” You don’t want to be a criminal interrogator; you want to be a conversation initiator. Big difference. This means open-ended questions, asking “what makes you think that?” or saying “tell me more” quite a bit. It means sometimes answering questions with questions, then listening for what is hiding underneath a question or statement and following up on it. The goal is to understand where your child is coming from. When they feel like you “get” them, they are much more likely to open up to you.
Work on being more observant. Notice I didn’t say, “private investigator.” You want to be a conversation instigator. What are your family members (including your spouse) into? What makes them light up? How do they spend their free time? Where do they put their energy? If you have younger ones, get on the floor and play with them. Step into the world of your family members with sincere questions. Then really listen.
The Listening Part of Communication in Your Home.
Be available when your family members want to talk to you. Avoid distractions and interruptions. Give your full attention. (Put yourself in their shoes. Ask clarifying questions. Ask questions that take the conversation deeper. Model the kind of communication you want to have. (Check out this article on active listening skills—especially the Six Levels of Listening.) People love talking to a good listener.
There are books filled with conversation starters and the internet is filled with lists of questions for kids of every age and for couples. Invest in a few books or click around for some lists. They’re great for road trips and pillow talk. Just when you think you know all there is to know about somebody, one of these questions will take you into new territory and they are tons of fun.
27 Family Conversation Starters
- If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go and why?
- If I could do one thing to be a better parent to you, what would it be?
- What do you worry about the most? Why?
- What will you do when you graduate high school?
- When was a time that you were kind to someone else?
- What is the best thing about our family?
- Who is someone you admire right now? Why?
- What is the “lesson” or “takeaway” from your favorite book or movie?
- What do you think about tattoos and piercings?
- How common do you think cheating is at school? What do you think about cheating?
- What is the biggest factor in being successful at school?
- Is it better to be optimistic or realistic? Why?
- What do you like about you?
- Have I ever not noticed when you were sad?
- What makes someone popular?
- What is one thing you would try if you were completely fearless?
- How do you react when your feelings are hurt? Does it help?
- What do you think about the drinking age?
- Who gets bullied or teased at school? Why?
- How should someone handle it if they are bullied?
- What do you like best about your friends?
- Is there anything you don’t like about your friends?
- What is the hardest part about being a kid?
- How is love/marriage different in real life than in the movies?
- What is the hardest thing about being a girl? Being a boy?
- Do you have friends with different religious beliefs?
- What do you think about that? How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?
★ Good communication in your home doesn’t happen by accident. But you can absolutely increase the quality AND quantity of communication in your family. You got this!
Image from Freepik.com
How to Be a Supportive Parent
When I became a parent, I was not prepared for the “surge” of protectiveness that took over my body. I felt like it was my job to protect my child from all sorts of hurts, disappointments, fears, and sadness. I may have unknowingly included their father and other family members, too. Did they wash their hands before holding my child? Are they following my parental instructions to the letter of my law? Why is he playing so rough with them? Learning how to moderate my “Grizzly Bear Mom” tendencies helped me become a more supportive parent.
Research has shown that being a supportive parent has far-reaching benefits for your child. Being a supportive parent helps your child be better equipped to handle stressful situations, be able to handle their own emotions, be capable of regulating their behavior, and get along with others.
Here are a few steps you can take on your journey of being a supportive parent for your child:
1. Be as empathetic as possible.
Being able to empathize with your child means you can place yourself in their shoes. And consider: How tight are the shoes? Do they have holes in the toes? Be aware of a situation they experience that mirrors one from your childhood. If your childhood experience or trauma becomes the focus, your child will feel unheard and marginalized. Now is not the time to help them learn to build tough skin. When you empathize, you become a soft place for your child to land when experiencing difficulties.
2. Enjoy being a student of your child.
Becoming a student of your child means you enter their world. You learn about the topics they’re interested in even if it holds no interest to you. Your child may be interested in: Sports (baseball, soccer, lacrosse, football, tennis), Music (instruments, singing, producing videos), Art (drawing, painting, photography) Animé, Video Gaming, Crafting, Animals, or a myriad of other topics. Dig deeper and say things like: Tell me what you like about… The key here is to remember that your child is a separate person from you. Children feel seen and valued when parents ask about what they like.
3. Be open and askable.
For many parents, showing support means doing something (also known as having the “fixer syndrome”). Here’s the BEST thing your child needs you to do for them: Listen, Listen, Listen. Listen to understand, listen for more information, and listen to identify emotions. You can also give your child space to process what they’re feeling. As you become more open and askable, you’ll have to guard your reactions, especially when your child shares difficult situations with you such as being bullied, picked on, or teased by others. Believe it or not, your child is very aware of your feelings and will shut down if they feel like you’re upset. Probing statements like “tell me more” allow your child to share on their terms without feeling like they’re being interrogated.
4. Make time to connect.
Create intentional time where you both engage in an activity they really enjoy. Making time in your schedule to play them, watch something with them or even allow them to teach you something new will demonstrate your support to them. Children feel supported when they know they are cared for, encouraged to grow, and feel a sense of belonging in your family.
As you work through these key steps to becoming a supportive parent, remember it’s all about process, not perfection. There will be days you’ll miss a step or two. Becoming a supportive parent is about seeking to understand your child’s world, including their feelings, fears, and frustrations without making the situation about you. When you create this connection with your child, you’re actually creating an environment of support and helping them feel like they belong. Ultimately, you’re preparing your child for LIFE.
Image from Unsplash.com
What to Do When You Catch Your Teen Looking at Porn
Guilt. Shame. Shock. Anger. Confusion. What happens now? (I’m talking about how parents often feel after they catch their teen looking at porn.) You know you are going to have to talk to your teen about porn, but you aren’t sure what you will say or how to have this conversation with your teen in a productive and healthy manner. This conversation is an excellent opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with your teen. You got this!
A few things to think about BEFORE you talk to your teen:
You control the tone of the conversation, and how you approach this conversation is significant.
Your response has the potential to communicate that sex is dirty, being curious about sex is unhealthy, and that your teen is perverted or has something wrong with them. This is NOT the conversation you want to have.
Remember—this is an opportunity. You can have a tone and approach that opens the door for future conversations and draws your teen toward you OR you can have a tone and approach that slams this important door shut and pushes your teen away. (And they won’t be talking to you about anything personal for a long, long time.)
You may have a lot of thoughts and emotions of your own to process. Take your time and make sure you are in the right frame of mind with your emotions in check.
Ask yourself: What are my goals for this conversation?
If you have multiple children using multiple devices, make sure you are not jumping to conclusions about who was looking at what.
Spouses look at pornography too. This isn’t the time to play detective, but make sure you have your facts straight. Nothing feels worse than when someone accuses you of something you didn’t do.
Even if you found something on your teen’s phone, there is still the chance that they were not seeking anything explicit or pornographic.
They may have mistyped a URL, accidentally clicked an ad, or clicked on a trick link. They could have been “Cyber-Flashed.” Some popular apps like Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram leave the door wide open for other users to send things unrequested. The apps themselves sometimes “recommend” explicit content. Facebook is notorious for individuals sending a friend request, followed by explicit material after you accept the friend request. Even a friend or sibling could have been using their phone.
[Any of these scenarios still require a conversation, but one on digital safety. This online class covers all the bases.]
Educate yourself about pornography and its effects.
The website linked at the end will be a big help before you talk to your teen. Understand how pornography affects the brain and the chemistry of addiction.
A few things to think about AS you talk with your teen:
DO:
- Try to find a time and place that allows for private undistracted, uninterrupted conversation. Here’s an example of a conversation.
- Remember the Closer/Further Rule: Are my words, tone, attitude, body language more likely to cause my teen to want to move closer to me or move further away? (Literally and figuratively.) Am I exhibiting a calmness, openness, and compassion to my teen? “It’s safe to move closer to this person.”
- Be direct, matter-of-fact, and calm—“I found pornography on your phone, (or tablet, or laptop) and I’d like us to talk about it.” [Be prepared for a variety of possible reactions—guilt, shame, or embarrassment over getting caught, or even anger and resentment for feeling like their privacy has been violated.]
- End the conversation by asking if they have any questions, reaffirming that they can always come to you to talk about anything or when they feel tempted. Ask them how you can help them and above all else, tell them you love them no matter what and are willing to walk with them down this path.
DON’T:
- Interrogate. Gently ask questions. You probably want to know when they first saw pornography, how often they look at pornography, what they use to view pornography. Ask your teen how they feel after looking at porn. (Keep a good poker face even if you hear some things that make you uncomfortable.) You know your teen. You know how to gauge your teen’s responses.
- Lecture. You may have your own reasons why you don’t want your teen viewing pornography. Consider the following reasons as well:
- The brain chemistry of addiction. Watching porn releases dopamine (“feel good” chemical) and oxytocin (bonding chemical). Both play a role in addiction.
- Because of this, viewing pornography is an escalating behavior. The viewer will feel the need to see more porn and more explicit pornography to get the same chemical “high.”
- Porn presents a distorted view of human sexuality and creates false expectations. It also leaves out the relational intimacy that contributes to good, healthy sex.
- Pornography affects real-life relationships. Using porn is associated with less satisfaction in relationships, less close relationships, more loneliness, and more depression (Hesse & Floyd, 2019).
A few things to think about AFTER you talk to your teen about looking at porn:
- Follow up. Teens often freeze-up when they are uncomfortable. They may need a day or two to process your conversation. Their thoughts, feelings, and questions might take a few days to form, so it’s a good idea to follow up a couple of days later with, “Now that you’ve had some time to think about our conversation, what thoughts or questions do you have?”
- Talking to your teen about sex and looking at porn is not a one-time talk. As a parent, you want this to be an ongoing conversation. Be an “askable” parent. Cultivate a relationship with your teen where they feel comfortable talking to you about hard topics and asking you questions.
- You may want to make some practical changes in how you use technology in your home. (Electronic devices used in common areas of the house, devices charged in your bedroom at bedtime, etc.)
- You are the best app to protect your teen online. If you choose to install apps or programs that restrict or report content on a device remember, teens find workarounds. Ultimately, the battle against pornography is won by knowing the truth and character development. Your relationship with your teen is the first and best line of defense.
- Fight the New Drug (This website is a gold mine for info!)
Image from AdobeStock.com
People have sometimes said to me, “Chris, you have two daughters. Aren’t you scared to death of when they start dating?“
I like to reply with an answer that really throws them for a spin: “Actually, I can’t WAIT for when my child dates!” (I usually either get a look like I have three heads or just a headshake-of-pity as they slowly turn and walk away with a “tsk-tsk…”).
“Why can’t you wait?” you may ask. I know when my daughters begin to date, they’ll be entering a new phase in their social and emotional development, a period in their lives that will have life-transforming experiences. What they do in their early dating lives is going to shape who they marry, if they choose that route. And that’s exciting to me. (Not to mention, I’m chomping at the bit for that first you-can’t-go-on-a-date-with-my-daughter-until-I-interrogate-you meeting. I like to call it the “First Date Inquisition.”)
Now, despite my gusto for dating, even I know there’s a healthy point for this phase to happen. Typically, when children and teens go through different stages of development, what happens in one stage plays a major role in how well they’ll get through the next. So, I want my daughters to enter into the dating stage of their lives as fully equipped and prepared as possible.
So when should I let my child date?
That’s a hard question to answer. But, given all that I just shared, I can tell you when I won’t let my kids date.
When they can’t yet articulate to me a good purpose for dating.
Let’s be honest—when my daughter walks out of the house to meet someone for a date, the first thing on her mind probably isn’t, okay, I’m doing this because… She just wants to have fun, talk to someone who is as interested in her as she is in them. However, before that day comes, I do want her to have in her head why, overall, she wants to date. Because at the end of the day, there are good reasons and bad reasons to date. I don’t know that there’s a single right answer for all families to the question, “What’s the purpose for dating?” Parents and teens need to talk together to determine some positive purposes, with parents being the voices of wisdom.
In our house, we talk about how dating:
- Prepares you to know better the kind of person you want to marry (if that’s something in the cards).
- Is something that helps a young person grow into the person they are.
- Develops healthy social skills that are beyond friendship relationships.
When they cannot yet grasp that their value doesn’t come from whether or who they date.
I want my girls to know that a romantic partner does not make them more of a person. They aren’t somehow “not enough” without a boyfriend. And that, despite what other people their age might be doing or saying, dating isn’t something you need to do because it helps you feel more accepted in your friend group. In other words, I want them to develop self-confidence and the beginnings of a firm identity beyond their dating life.
When a teen knows this, it can protect them from adolescent dating risks. Research tells us that teens who have a healthy amount of self-efficacy, or self-assurance, are less likely to experience dating violence, use drugs or alcohol on dates, or cave into sexual pressures.
If they don’t feel like they can communicate with me or their mom if something is wrong.
I’m just going to lay it out there for you: as much as it may pain you, when your kids begin dating, they will experience heartbreak, pressures, and temptation. They are going through the mental and emotional gymnastics of development. And they are going to come to points, many times, when they are stuck and need a voice of wisdom. That’s you. I want my daughters to know they can call me if they are at a place they don’t want to be and I’ll be there to get them. And I want them to feel comfortable to open up about what they are feeling or experiencing in a dating relationship. Despite popular belief, this is very possible.
If they are dealing with depression or anxiety.
The bad news is that, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, 30% of adolescents experience some kind of anxiety, and Pew research tells us that 13% of adolescents in 2017 experienced at least one major depressive episode. The good news is, the vast majority of these issues in teens are very treatable. If my daughters experience any kind of depression or anxiety, I’m confident we can work through it over time. However, I don’t want a boyfriend or an active dating life to be the coping mechanism they use to deal with these things. Bad things happen when the “other person” is made the emotional crutch.
When they can’t separate their dating life from their compassion for others.
What I mean here is sort of the reverse of the previous bullet point. Both of my daughters are very compassionate people; they’d gladly give everything they have to help someone who’s down and out. However, we’ve all seen relationships where one person stays because they feel the need to help the other deal with some issue. And this brings the fear that if you were to break it off, the other person might go off the deep end somehow. This is “martyr dating,” and it’s not healthy. I want my daughters to understand that dating is not the avenue to walk people through their problems.
A couple of caveats need to be made with the above points:
- Now, if I were to wait until my kids had all these things down in their development to let them date, well, they may be living in my house a verrrrrrry long time. Obviously, they won’t have it all together in their teen years. But the idea is to know my kids well enough to know that they are well on the road toward these developmental traits.
- These developmental lessons begin well before teens are anywhere close to dating age. As a matter of fact, they begin with a close, connected relationship between parent and child. Parents need to be in the pocket, having ongoing conversations on these ideas with their kids. This is how children build self-confidence and trust to go to their parents with problems, even when they are older. Ongoing conversations help teens cope with anxiety and other emotional issues. And it helps them come to a good understanding as to the purpose of dating.
There is no magic age a child should be allowed to date. It really depends on the child and where they are in their thinking and development. But one thing is for certain: parents need to become a student of their kids, continually learning more and more about how they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, and getting a sense of the direction of their development. This is the best way that we as parents can prepare our kids for a healthy dating life.
Image from Pexels.com
How To Talk To Your Teen About Pornography
This is the actual conversation I had with my teen. All through middle school, we had talked about sex, his phone, and pornography, but it was more about warning him and encouraging him to make good choices. I realized that at his age now, he had undoubtedly seen porn. (The average age of first exposure is 8-11. 94% have seen pornography by age 14.) Even though I had never seen anything amiss when I checked his phone, it was time to hit porn head-on. So, I educated myself and just found a good time when we were alone and came out and asked.
The conversation was not as bad or awkward as I thought it would be. I set the tone by being calm and genuine. Plus, this was not our first “difficult” conversation. I have a track record of not freaking out and have built up relational “capital” with him that I can draw from. This helped a lot!
So, here we go…
ME: I know at your age and you having a smartphone, you have undoubtedly seen pornography. Your body is changing and being curious about girls and sex is healthy and normal. You are well past girls having cooties. There are other things about them that you are curious about now, right? So how about it, have you seen porn?
MY SON: [Chuckles about cooties.] Yes, I’ve seen porn. [Looks Away.]
ME: I get it. I’m not shocked or surprised. When was the last time you looked at porn?
MY SON: Three days ago. I know it’s wrong.
ME: Why do you think it’s wrong? [Notice I am probing gently, not lecturing. I am a concerned questioner, but I’m not bombarding him with a million questions. I want HIS thoughts.]
MY SON: I know it can become an addiction. I know it goes against my religious beliefs. And, I know it affects the way I look at girls and it’s just not good to fill my head with.
ME: Those are a lot of really good reasons. How’d you come up with them?
MY SON: I’ve talked with (his older brother of 8 years) about it. He asks me questions about it.
[ME INSIDE:] [Great job older bro!] What did he tell you about how porn is addictive? How did he explain it?
MY SON: He said the more I looked at it the more I would have to look at it… what “did it” for me before wouldn’t “do it” for me next time. He said I would start to see “real-life” girls only sexually.
He’s right!
ME: Do you know the science behind that? Your brain releases chemicals when you look at porn. One of them is dopamine and another is oxytocin. Dopamine is a “feel-good” chemical. You’ll want that feeling more and more BUT your brain will build a tolerance for it. It will take more and more porn and more explicit porn to get that feeling. It’s called “The Law of Diminishing Returns.” The chemical oxytocin is the chemical that creates bonds. It gets released when mothers have babies and people hug and kiss. Porn releases it too, creating a “bond” between you and pornography. It’ll become easier to bond with pornography than real people. Does that make sense?
MY SON: It’s like drug addiction?
ME: Yup. And it’ll affect how you look at girls in real life. Have you noticed that yet?
MY SON: Yeah. I’ve already noticed.
ME: If you look at porn, I want you to remember that that girl is someone’s daughter and someone’s sister. I have a daughter that’s your sister. [This felt a little old-school and even a little corny, but it got a strong reaction from him—he loves his older sister and did not like connecting those dots at all. No way.]
MY SON: Ewwwww…
ME: And what you might be enjoying with pornography destroys many of the lives of the people that make it. The drug addiction, alcoholism, and STDs among “porn stars” is crazy high.
MY SON: Don’t some of them make a lot of money?
ME: Some do probably, but at what cost? Did you know that a lot of the girls you see in porn are not there because they want to be—they’re there because of sex trafficking? Do you want to participate in that?
MY SON: No. Of course not.
ME: You know how for years I’ve talked to you about how great your heart is and how you need to protect it?
MY SON: Yeah.
ME: Nothing will harden your heart faster than pornography. You have to keep protecting your heart. The people that make porn have problems having real relationships in real life. So do the people that watch porn. So how often do you look at porn? How do you look at it?
MY SON: Once or twice a week. Free porn websites. The first phone you gave me blocked porn websites. When you upgraded my phone, you didn’t block porn websites.
ME: [This made me sick to my stomach. I was asleep at the wheel. I have to live with this.] I blew it then. How can I help you now not look at porn?
MY SON: Keep talking with me about it. Keep me accountable. You can change settings on my phone but it’s everywhere. We need to keep talking about it.
ME: I will for sure. And thanks for being so honest with me. You can always talk to me when you feel tempted. Let’s keep this conversation going.
Talking to your teen about pornography is not a one-time talk. It’s an ongoing dialogue. Hopefully, this helps you get your dialogue started. Don’t avoid it because it’s a hard topic. Lean into it because it is a hard and incredibly important topic. You got this!
How To Handle Public Toddler Temper Tantrums
Has your toddler ever had a meltdown or temper tantrum?
Does your child cry uncontrollably to get something they want?
Have you ever wished the floor would open up in the store and swallow you because of how your child was behaving?
If any of these things have happened to you, then you probably are the parent of a toddler who is in the middle of a tantrum. Inevitably, these behaviors are on full display in large public spaces like the line at the grocery store or in the middle of the aisle at a big box store. As a parent, you feel the weight of the stares and glares from the other customers and employees. Your heart rate rises. Your hands get sweaty. You may feel embarrassed or that you are the worst parent ever. All you want is for your child to please, please, please BEHAVE.
What do you do? How do you parent your toddler through a temper tantrum?
Here are a few strategies that can help you:
1. The best tantrum is the one that never happens.
Prepare your toddler before you go out. Remind them before you leave, that you aren’t buying them anything, that you have a few things to get, and incentivize their good behavior beforehand. (“If you behave, we’ll make some cookies when we get home,” or “I’ll read your favorite book to you,” or “We’ll watch some PBS Kids.”) This will help them to defer gratification and hopefully make your shopping easier.
2. Remain calm.
This may be easier said than done. When your child is losing it, as a parent you have to remain calm. Often we contribute to the intensity of the tantrum by escalating it because of our feelings of anger and embarrassment. Now is not the time to be concerned about what those people around you are thinking. It doesn’t matter what they think about your parenting. It matters how you parent your child. Keep your focus on your child and not on a bunch of people that you may never see again. Remember, you can handle this and it is normal and natural for a toddler to have a temper tantrum.
3. Assess the situation. (Create a mental game plan.)
Now that you have taken a couple of deep breaths and are calm, do a quick mental checklist:
- Are they hungry?
- Did they miss their naptime?
- Are they not feeling good?
- Did you make changes to your normal routine?
- Are YOU stressed and overwhelmed?
- Maybe there is no reason at all except they are toddlers.
However, if you can pinpoint the triggering factor, such as your toddler being hungry, bringing or getting them a small snack can allow them to calm down at least until you finish this errand. If they are tired, it may be in your best interest to get them home as soon as possible. If they are angry because you said “no” to something they wanted—be the parent.
4. Focus on your child.
With your game plan in mind, focus on your child. Find a quiet space in the store, if possible—if not, offer to go to the car to calm down. (Leave your cart with an employee and tell them you will hopefully be right back.) When you get to the car—look your child in the eye, speak softly and calmly, and empathize with them. (Ahh, you really are tired; I know, you are hungry.) Then give them directions. This may be the time to throw in an incentive. (When we go back to the store, if you behave, when we get home we’ll have a snack before naptime.) You are laying the groundwork for important child development pieces like learning to control their emotions, learning to defer gratification, and learning mom means business.
5. If you have a very sensitive child…
It may seem more difficult to deal with tantrums when you have a “sensitive child.” No matter the temperament of your child, it is fine to have appropriate behavioral expectations of them. It is important to remember that children respond differently to correction. For some, it only takes “that look”—others require more. The goal of discipline is to teach. A slight deviation from the normal routine could really send a sensitive child into orbit. Being keenly aware of your child’s temperament (and your own emotional state) is vital for effectively dealing with a tantrum.
You have made it through your toddler’s public tantrum.
Was it hard? Maybe. Will it happen again? Probably. I love the saying, “Once you have gone through something, you know how to go through something.”
Become a student of your child. Now is the time to think about ways to prepare for the next toddler temper tantrum. Keep snacks in your bag. Either go alone or wait until after naptime. Go to the store when it’s not really crowded.
Parenting is a HARD job, especially with toddlers. You may feel frustrated, anxious, distressed, positive, satisfied, and overwhelmed all in the SAME DAY, even on the SAME TRIP. There is no parenting handbook that has all the answers for every situation, contrary to what those judgy people in the store believe. As parents, we are not perfect, and neither are our kids. Our children don’t need Perfect Parents. They need Present Parents. Parenting a toddler is just one stage in your parenting journey. All you can do is try to do your best to meet the needs of your children for where they are developmentally.
Constantly putting yourself down is of no benefit to anyone. Practice self-care. Be careful what you say to yourself because you will believe it. Make time for yourself. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Talk to friends. In the words of flight attendants, “Put your mask on first, then help others.” We are so busy making sure everyone around us is okay, we often neglect to care for ourselves. This has a huge impact on our children—they can pick up on our stress and frustration. Be your best self so you can be at your best for your child, wherever and whenever.
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What is your teen asking you about the future? Do you have answers?
“What am I gonna do about school and soccer, Dad?” my 14-year-old son asked me. I didn’t know. I’d been asking myself the same questions for weeks and didn’t have any answers. It feels like new information comes out every day that undermines my decisions. Everything feels tentative. The future feels like a collection of shreds and patches.
The last few months have left the foreseeable teen future uncertain. Your teen may be feeling a lot of anxiety: What will school look like? Will I be able to get a part-time job, play sports, play my favorite instrument in the band? What about prom and graduation?
And don’t forget their favorite part of school—seeing their friends. There’s so much unknown for them to process.
Don’t forget, they are old enough to wonder about your adult future and the family’s future. You may feel secure about your job situation, your finances, the health of family members—and something like divorce may be totally out of the question. This doesn’t stop your teen from worrying about those things.
All of these unknowns can easily translate into anxiety, stress, and depression for your teenager. (They can for us adults, too.)
When it comes to the important things in life, we all prefer certainty to uncertainty. But our adult brains are developmentally better suited to live with some uncertainty than our teen’s brain is. Their brain is still developing and processing so many unknowns (that they are invested in) can be particularly difficult for them. How can we help them?
[Read this blog that describes what is happening to teens developmentally.]1. Model The Behaviors And Attitudes You Want For Your Teen
- Self-Care: Tending to your physical health and emotional health.
- Mindfulness: Deep breaths. Self-awareness. Focus.
- Critical Thinking: Decisions based on the most reliable information.
- Optimism: “We are going to come out on the other side even stronger.”
- Resilience: “We are going to take it one day at a time as a family.”
- Gratitude: “We still have a lot to be thankful for…”
- Service: “How can we help others who are struggling?”
These are all things that your young adult needs to navigate uncertainties they will encounter as future adults.
2. Acknowledge When The Future Is Unknown & When You Just Don’t Know
We want to have answers for our teens and they often expect us to have them. It can be tempting to try to “fake it” or give the answer we think will make them feel better in the moment. Besides being disingenuous, in the long run, it will undermine their confidence in you. You don’t want to be seen as a source of false hope and misinformation.
It is totally appropriate (and honest) to admit it when we don’t know. Saying something like, “I don’t have enough information yet to confidently make a wise decision about that,” doesn’t undermine your trustworthiness and reliability; It enhances it. Your teen can relax (hopefully) and know that when you do make a decision it will be based on the best information and what’s best for the family.
3. Become A Student Of Your Teen
Be on the lookout for the ways your teen might be struggling with anxiety and stress and depression. A very talkative teen may become quiet. A very quiet teen might become talkative. A normally social teen may become withdrawn. A teen that normally keeps to themselves might suddenly become a social butterfly. Look for any changes in their normal behavior.
Keep in mind that sometimes teens deal with difficult emotions in unhealthy ways. Be on the lookout for outbursts, disrespect, risky, or harmful behavior. Watch their eating and sleeping habits. As you address their behavior, be sure to address what the real issue may be underneath it.
4. Be Open And Create Space For Your Teen To Express Their Anxiety
Teens will often “show” you when they are struggling before they will “tell” you they are struggling, but there are things you can do to keep the lines of communication open:
- Make sure your teen knows you have an “open door” policy and that they can talk to you about anything, anytime.
- Take advantage of car rides and other times you are alone with your teen that don’t feel like you are angling for a “big talk.” Teens often open up when you are doing something else, like cooking or watching television.
- It’s okay to ask questions like, “How are you feeling about school this year?” Then practice active listening skills.
- Don’t “freak out” at what you hear. Keep that poker face.
- Don’t ask a million questions, probe gently, empathize, and be a good listener.
5. Recognize When You Are Out Of Your Depth And Get Your Teen Help
Anxiety, stress, depression, and anger are significant and often complex problems—especially in the lives of teens. It is totally appropriate and necessary for you as a parent to recognize when you have reached the limits of how you can help your teen. Don’t stop there. Reach out for help. Contact a counselor.
The unknown is, well, unknown. It is normal to experience fear and anxiety concerning the unknown. There are lots of things that your teen cares deeply about that are just flat out up in the air at the moment. Don’t feel bad that you can’t make the unknown “knowable” for your teen. Model how to face the unknown, be there for your teen, and keep putting one foot in front of the other until the unknown becomes known.
It started with a simple question from my son at the dinner table. “Can I invite a few friends to go to Six Flags Amusement Park with me for my birthday?” Would it end up as a fight in front of the kids?
Mom: That should be fun. How many friends are you thinking about?
Son: Two.
Mom: Sounds like a good idea.
Dad (Me): Hmmm. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea right now.
Mom: Really. Why not?
Dad: Have you looked at the cost for one person to go to Six Flags? Let alone 3 or 4. Have you looked at our bank account lately?
Mom: How many times does our son turn 10 years old?
At this point, we had a decision to make…
- Do we continue this disagreement that was morphing into an argument in front of our kids?
- Should we squash the conversation until we could get behind closed doors?
We both were starting to recognize that we felt strongly about our opinions. Internally, we were questioning the next step of the discussion and asking,”Should we have this fight in front of the kids?”
I’m going to jump in with how we fight, or put another way, resolve disagreements and conflict in front of our children, if that’s where you find yourself. It is inevitable that you and your spouse will have a disagreement in front of your kids. How you handle these disagreements can have a great impact on them.
If you choose to work through conflict with your spouse in front of your kids, here are a few tips:
1. Respect, Respect, Respect.
- There is never a time when it’s okay to disrespect one another’s thoughts, feelings or desires regardless of how emotional you get or how strongly you feel about a particular issue.
- It’s even worse to disrespect one another in front of your children.
- We disrespect when we belittle one another’s thoughts, are dismissive of each other’s emotions and devalue each other’s desires.
- Respecting one another is more important than coming to the “right” solution.
- Dr. Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School and New York Times best-selling author states that, “When parents disagree thoughtfully and respectfully, that sets a standard for kids to learn to do the same thing.”
- Your children are learning how to treat other people they disagree with based on what you show them.
If you realize you have disrespected your spouse, it’s important that you not only apologize to your spouse, but that you also talk with your children about it. They must understand that disrespect is not acceptable.
2. “I,” not “You.”
I could’ve said to my wife, “You don’t know how much money is in the bank.” But I could have also said, “You care more about him having fun than about us being responsible.” In that instance, I’ve attacked her and assumed what she knows or cares about. Dr. John Gottman, marriage therapist and researcher says, “When you start sentences with ‘I’ you are less likely to seem (or be!) critical, immediately putting your partner into a defensive position.” Instead of starting with “You,” I can say, “I’m concerned that paying for this trip may not leave us enough money for other necessary and important things.”
☆ Focusing on what you know, think, feel, and want as opposed to making statements about what you believe your spouse knows, thinks, feels, and wants leads to better communication and understanding during conflict.
3. Avoid statements like, “You always,” or, “You never.”
Statements like this make generalizations about a person’s character, placing the focus on them and putting them on the defensive while taking the focus away from the issue.
4. Tone of Voice and Body Language Matter… a lot.
I encourage you to stop and watch kids talk and interact sometime. Many talk with their hands, give colorful facial expressions, their tone gets high when they’re excited and loud when they’re upset. This is the lens through which your child sees your body language and hears your tone of voice. Not to mention that research says 93% of communication is made with body language and tone of voice and only 7% are the actual spoken words. Avoid eye-rolling, sighing heavily like you’re disgusted, slumping your posture like you don’t care or rolling your neck like you have a bad attitude. Your children are reading each of the cues you’re sending.
5. Be clear to your children when it’s resolved.
Your child is processing what they see and hear. If they hear the conflict and are never privy to the solution, then you’ve left their imagination to wonder. Research by Dr. Rebecca Brock, assistant professor at University of Nebraska, indicates that unresolved marital tension can lead to children experiencing anxiety, depression, and distress.
This may cause children to feel extremely insecure.
If your child sees the two of you arguing, be sure they know and see that you’ve resolved the issue. Even if it’s just to say, “I know you heard us arguing earlier. I just want you to know that we figured it out and everything is good now.” The details of the solution may not be necessary to share. But the acknowledgment that the argument is not going to tear you apart helps bring closure for the child.
How Not To Fight
- Never attack one another physically or emotionally. That’s domestic violence.
- Don’t manipulate, intimidate, or threaten your spouse. Threatening to walk out, leave the marriage, or do something that is hurtful or permanent can leave scars that wound for years.
- Never put the kids in the middle of your argument. They should not be choosing sides or used as a pawn to help you win your argument.
What Not To Fight About In Front Of The Kids
There are some things that are simply a bad idea to argue about in front of the kids.
- Sex
- In-laws
- Discipline
If you’re going to fight in front of the kids, then you should definitely make up in front of the kids. (No, not that kind of “make up.” Shame on you! 😳 ) A hug and a kiss in front of the kids is plenty. Verbally affirming your love, respect, and commitment for one another also sends the message that your commitment to one another is bigger than the disagreement. Arguing in front of your children can be damaging to them, especially when it’s not done in a healthy and productive manner.
Model Healthy Conflict Resolution.
Studies show that your children can learn healthy conflict resolution skills when you model it for them. How you treat one another, including when you disagree, provides an example for how a couple communicates respect and acceptance. You’re also modeling how to effectively deal with your emotions and appreciate others emotions. These are all skills that will definitely be useful as your child engages in relationships throughout their life.
My son did get to go to Six Flags. After listening to me and his mother talk about our thoughts and feelings regarding the gift and adding up the cost, he had a greater appreciation for his gift. Did he know that I was not the one in support of the trip? Maybe, but I don’t think it bothered him as he, I, and his other friend rode the roller coasters. He also learned that his parents can disagree, both have strong opinions, and still love, respect, and remain committed to one another.
★ What do you want your kids to learn when they see you fight?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
