Is My Stress Level Affecting My Child?
Walk into a crowded room and ask for a show of hands from anyone who has not felt stressed-out in the past six months. If you find a hand-raiser, pull them aside, and ask their secret. My bet is not one hand will be raised. Truth is, we all experience stress at varying degrees, and many times it overwhelms and overtakes us. As parents, we have to ask the question, “Is my stress level affecting my child?”
The short answer is, yes… but there’s more to the story than that. Bear with me here.
LET’S EXPLORE STRESS
Most people think stress is bad, and we should do everything we can to eliminate it from our lives. The less stress, the better. I admit: I’ve thought this for many years. However, that’s not entirely true.
Let’s flip the script somewhat: Stress actually plays an important role in our lives. By definition, stress is the normal reaction the brain and body has when change occurs. You know about change: the boss assigns another project, the overdue bill arrives in the mail, the in-laws announce they’re coming for dinner (not that this would ever stress me out personally… in case anyone asks).
And we experience responses to stress in different ways: increased heart rate, heavier breathing, cloudy thinking, jitteriness, headaches, stomachaches… the list goes on.
Nevertheless, stress is vital. Without it, we couldn’t avoid dangerous situations, meet deadlines, or have a competitive edge.
- Our eyes wouldn’t dilate for a wider sight range to look for danger.
- Your breathing wouldn’t speed up, carrying oxygen to the brain for sharper mental acuity.
- And your heart rate wouldn’t increase, giving you a boost of energy to meet a particular challenge.
These are all good things. But here’s the kicker: our brains and bodies are only meant to experience these bouts of “good” stress for short periods of time, enough to work through whatever change is going on. Stress turns “bad” when we camp out in these responses for a prolonged period of time.
Our brains and bodies aren’t designed to handle this well. Matter of fact, our brain can actually restructure itself and function in a chronic state of stress. (Doesn’t that sound wonderful?) Have you ever met someone who seems on edge, stressed out, ready to snap? More than likely their brain has trained itself to stay in that “fight or flight” mode. And this has some terrible effects on body, mind, emotions, and relationships.
What this all boils down to is not whether or not you have stress (nor necessarily the level of stress, although that plays a part of it), but what you’re doing with your stress.
So back to the kids. Is your stress level affecting your child? Of course it does—and how it affects them depends on what you’re doing with the stress.
THE EFFECT OF PARENTAL STRESS ON CHILDREN
Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind In the Making and researcher at the Families and Work Institute, has shown that parental stress (or more accurately, parental distress) spills over onto our children. Galinsky’s research indicates children almost have a sixth sense when it comes to detecting parental distress. Maybe you’ve experienced this with your own kiddos. They pick up on the tension in your facial expressions and the worrisome tone of your voice. And the worst part is, children mimic your tension and behavior. If you are freaking out, even just on the inside, they are more prone to play monkey-see-monkey-do.
To further the point, University of Maryland researcher Nathan Fox and his colleagues looked into how parenting styles affect how children regulate emotions and deal with stress. An interesting finding of his showed that one of the least helpful characteristics were parents who are alarmists. These are parents who see danger everywhere and predict the worst-case scenarios in their minds. They make regular use of the phrases “You are going to hurt yourself” or “Be careful!” or “Please don’t fall!” These parents have worry written all over their faces and wear their distress like a bright orange caution vest for their children to see.
The big takeaway point here for parents is not Don’t Get Stressed; rather, parents need to model how to handle stress in healthy ways. In Galinsky’s words, “…you matter—and that includes how you convey stressful situations to your child.”
SO WHAT’S A (STRESSED) PARENT TO DO?
- Keep in the forefront of your parenting mind that the idea is not to eliminate stress, either from our own lives or that of our kids, but to learn to deal with distress in a healthy way. It’s very tempting to want to shield our children from the stressors of the world, but those stressors serve to bolster your child’s development. Megan Gunnar, researcher at the University of Minnesota and considered to be the foremost authority on stress and coping in children, says, “A childhood that had no stress in it would not prepare you for adulthood. If you never allow your child[ren] to exceed what they can do, how are they going to learn to manage adult life—where a lot of it is managing more than you thought you could manage?”
- Model healthy ways to cope with your own distress. One of Nathan Fox’s latest studies found that when parents have someone to turn to for support during stressful times, it has a positive effect on their children’s social development. The big lesson is, have a healthy support system available for you. And be sure to practice self-care. When you regularly do intentional acts of taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional health, not only are you mounting fortifications to guard against distress, you are also showing your kids how to build those same guardrails.
- When you are having a bad day when distress might be getting the best of you, use this as a learning opportunity for your children. Say something to your kids like, “Today doesn’t feel like a good day for me. Sometimes mommies and daddies have bad days when they feel worried about certain things. That’s okay—I know that everything is going to work out and that I don’t have to feel this way all the time. Here’s how I’m going to help myself feel better today…” And then, share with them how you’re going to work through the stress you’re feeling. Voila!—a stellar teachable moment.
- On stressful days, let your kids know that it isn’t their fault. Since children often do have that “sixth sense” to indicate when you’re feeling stressed out, it can be easy for them to feel responsible for it. Ensure them that sometimes bad days happen to both children and adults, it’s nothing they said or did, and we all have the power to overcome the feeling of being fearful, worried, or anxious.
One final thought:
If you’re married, do everything you can to handle marital conflict in a healthy, respectful way. We know from research that when handled poorly, parental conflict, is emotionally and physiologically traumatic for kids. John Medina, a developmental molecular biologist and researcher, tells us that even kids as young as six months can detect when unhealthy conflict is happening, and it has a negative impact on development. For some great information on how to handle marital conflict in healthy ways, take a look at this blog, this one, and this one, too.
So, does your stress level affect your child or not? Well, yes. But maybe the real question is, does how you handle stress have an effect on your kids? It certainly does, and the effect can be either positive or negative depending on how you’re handling it. Times of stress, those inevitable changes you experience that cause your brains and bodies to respond in certain ways present opportunities to teach your children valuable lessons for adulthood. Show your children the power they have to control stress rather than have stress control them. And it begins with you.
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7 Tips For Getting Over A Bad Day With Your Kid
A few years ago I was walking through the grocery store when I encountered a mom and her toddler who was giving her a run for her money. As we were both walking down the aisle, I could hear her whispering, “You can do it, Susan! Hang in there. Just a few more minutes.”
At first I thought she was talking to her daughter, but then I realized she was encouraging herself in the midst of a hard moment with her child. I thought to myself, “You go girl!” I can remember plenty of hard moments, and just plain bad days with my daughter that I didn’t handle well. Even into a new day I found myself struggling to get over the bad day we had the day before.
Fortunately, I had some moms in my life who were further down the road in their parenting than I was. They didn’t judge me, which I am very thankful for. They did take me under their wing and offer some wise words to help me get over the bad days. Now, I’m passing their wisdom along to you, with a little of my own.
Realize that it’s not usually about you.
Believe me, I know it’s hard not to. When they act a fool in the checkout line or look straight at you and do exactly what you asked them not to do, it’s a challenge to remind yourself: it really isn’t about you. However, if you can train yourself to do this, it will be helpful.
Avoid beating yourself up.
We all have bad days, kids and parents alike. When your child is especially challenging, it can bring out the absolutely worst in us and it just goes downhill from there. The natural tendency hours later or the next day is to say, “If only I had…” or to question your ability to be a good parent. None of this is helpful to you or your child.
Acknowledge your emotions.
Listen, parenting isn’t a walk in the park. Tell me something I don’t know, right? Some stages are more challenging than others. I remember calling a friend after a particularly bad day with my daughter. I was crying, actually sobbing and I said, “I’m an utter and complete failure at parenting.” She point blankly said, “No, you are not a failure. You just haven’t figured out what works yet with your daughter.” Then she talked me down off the ledge.
There literally may be days where you are asking, “Where do I go to resign?” because you are angry, resentful, hopeless, and exhausted. Believe it or not, it’s very helpful to say those things out loud or to write them on a piece of paper.
Look for underlying issues.
For example, COVID-19 quarantine has had all of us out of sync from our normal routines. As adults, we can talk about how much we don’t like not knowing what tomorrow will bring. But for a child, especially a young child, while they pick up on your stress and anxiety, they aren’t able to verbalize it, so they act it out. Hence your very own child creating their own version of “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.” A death in the family, something happening to your dog, overhearing you fighting with your spouse—any number of things can bring on a bad day.
Seek to restore the relationship.
Once you have taken a moment (or a few hours) to calm down, find your child and apologize straight up. Don’t add on, “but if you had done what mommy asked…” Just apologize. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” You might say, “If that happens again, let’s do things differently,” and calmly talk through a better way to handle the behavior or the day. All of this models behavior you want your child to learn and the skills they need for healthy relationships.
Spend some time together doing something fun.
After apologizing and spending a little time talking about what happened, find a way to spend some calm, easygoing time together. Take a walk, play with blocks, read a book (The Color Monster: A Story about Emotions is a great read), play “I Spy” or make cookies together.
Never underestimate the power of a hug.
Adults and children alike need them, especially after a bad day. Even if you aren’t completely over the bad day, you still want to avoid withholding hugs. Loving, physical touch can be as healing as spoken words.
There will be days when you don’t like your child’s behavior or your own for that matter. However, don’t confuse not liking their behavior with not liking or loving them. Our children need to know that even on their very best or worst day, there isn’t anything they could do that would make us love them more or less.
For the most part, I am on the other side of the bad days. In the midst of them, I often questioned my Fit Mom Card, and I had a hard time believing there were better days ahead. In case nobody else is saying it to you—you are a good mom. Even on your worst day, you’re a good mom. Stop telling yourself otherwise. It’s a wild ride. We all have moments we want to forget. It is unlikely your child will hold your bad days against you, especially if you put into practice what we have talked about.
Image from FreePik.com
Seven Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
Does it seem like everyone has something to say about how you’re parenting?
Do you question whether or not you’re doing the right thing for your child?
Do you want assurance that you’re meeting your child’s needs?
Researchers and practitioners have sought for years to find what children need to thrive in a variety of ways—physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and behaviorally. The research is in. They might use a different word or two, but we have a good idea about what children need to thrive. Relationship is everything.
Dr. Mark Laaser and his wife, Debra Laaser, LMFT, have worked with individuals and couples for many years. Through their work, they found that in relationships, we all have desires in our hearts. Those desires begin in childhood and last throughout our lives.
1. To be heard and understood.
Your child needs you to hear and listen to them, even when what they say is difficult to hear. If they don’t feel heard, they will either stop talking or begin to over-talk you.
2. To be affirmed.
Your child desires for you to recognize what they do. Whether for academics, arts, or athletics, you showing up means a great deal to your child. They may win or just participate, but your acknowledgment that they did a good job can make their little hearts happy. When they complete a task or chore, saying thank you (even if they don’t do it the way that you do it) is an additional way to notice their contribution to the family.
3. To be blessed.
Your child desires to know that you love them unconditionally for who they are not for what they do or accomplish. No matter how they behave (temper tantrums), how successful they are in athletics or not, how well they do academically or not, your child needs to feel your love and support.
4. To be safe.
Your child desires to feel safe, free from extraordinary fear, worry, and anxiety. There are conditions that parents can’t control such as a global pandemic or natural disasters (tornado, hurricanes, fires). What you can do is ASSURE your child that you are right there with them. Being aware of your feelings will help you handle those of your child.
5. To be touched.
Your child needs and desires physical contact. As infants, children who don’t receive physical touch often get a diagnosis of “failure to thrive.” According to Dr. Virginia Satir, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. And we need twelve hugs a day for growth.”
6. To be Chosen.
Your child desires to know that you want and cherish them as a member of the family. In my house, my sons often ask, “Who is your favorite child?” The truth is each one is my favorite child. Our family would not be the same if any of them were not a part of it. Likewise, your family would not be the same if any of your children were not a part of your family.
7. To be included.
Your child desires to know that as a member of your family, they matter, belong, and have significance. Find ways (age-appropriate) to include them in decisions (what’s for dinner, family outings). Not only is their presence necessary, but their contribution to the family ideals and expectations is mandatory.
Parents want the best for their children through experiences and exposure. There will be times that you miss the mark as a parent. Your child may not make every team or production they try out for. You may get angry and raise your voice. Remember that what your child needs to thrive is for you to be an engaged (not perfect) parent who is seeking to meet the needs and desires of your child’s heart. There are probably a few things that you’re already doing, but if you see one that you’re not, choose one to focus on this week.
Other Lists Of What Children Need
What To Do When Grandparents Undermine Your Parenting
No one else in my dad’s world compared to his granddaughters. “My little angels,” he would call them. Which I thought was great, except he tended to be extremely lenient with them. Like when they wanted ice cream. Which was all the time. Or when they wanted a toy. Nothing was too good for his little angels (or too much, or too often.)
What resulted was some tension and a lot of disagreement. I wanted to teach my children the value of moderation, patience, and the lesson in life that you don’t always get what you want. But it seemed when they were with my dad, those lessons were off the table.
So what do you do when grandparents seem to want to undermine all the good things you’re trying to do with your parenting?
The first thing to know is that you’re not alone. In a national poll asking parents of children ages 0-18 about parenting disagreements with grandparents, conducted by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, a vast majority of the families (89%) reported their kids saw a grandparent often or occasionally. And, out of those families, 43% said they had either minor or major disagreements with the grandparents about parenting choices: either the grandparents were too lenient, too tough, or both. That’s a significant number.
The most common disagreements included: issues of discipline (at #1), meals and snacks, TV and screen time, manners, and matters of health and safety—all very important parenting issues.
You may very well relate with the above families, especially in our current climate. At the moment, COVID-19 has upset many work and school schedules, prompting many grandparents to watch the kiddos while parents return to their physical workplace.
No matter what your situation, there are some tactics you can use to handle parenting disagreements with the grandparents.
Perhaps the most important step, before doing any kind of confrontation with the grandparents, is to ask yourself some important questions.
Maybe you’ve already done this but bear with me. Regarding my dad, I’ve had to ask myself, what is my biggest fear with this situation? What’s the worst that will happen? Is my dad’s grandparenting style something that could have a lasting negative impact on my children? Are the grandparents really trying to undermine our parenting efforts?
That last question is important. With my dad, I couldn’t say honestly that I thought there would be any lasting negative effect on my kids. However, that’s not always the case. A helpful way to think about this is using the “Casual, Important, Vital” exercise.
Make three lists and begin with “Vital.” What are the non-negotiable parts of parenting that you feel would have a lasting impact? In your parenting world, this may include using a car seat or viewing things on-screen that would be inappropriate for your child.
Then, what is “Important?” These are the areas which may not have as much of a lasting impact, but you feel are still important for your kids, (perhaps) such as saying “no sir” and “no ma’am” or remembering to brush their teeth at night.
And finally, what can you chalk up as “Casual?” Are there areas that really have no lasting impact that I may have been overly concerned about? For me, my dad feeding them ice cream on every visit didn’t do any kind of damage in the long run, and I had to learn to let it go.
There is no instruction manual for what is Vital, Important, or Casual in parenting; these are designations you have to define for your own family (although I would strongly recommend considering the majority of safety and health issues in the vital category).
Keep lines of communication open with grandparents.
Talk to them not only about the next time they are slated to watch the grandkids; share with them how parenting is going, the challenges you have, the values you are wanting to instill and allow them to speak into the conversation. Keep the conversation relaxed, open, and with no agenda. Simply share the experiences of parenting with the grandparents, and listen to their own experiences and input.
This helps both parents and grandparents come to a better understanding of each other’s styles with the kids and find ways you are on the same page. In case disagreements do come up in the conversation, keep the climate of the conversation relaxed and matter-of-fact (or opinion). It’s helpful for each spouse to talk to their own parents in these conversations; this helps to avoid the burden of tension and misunderstandings between in-law relationships.
Acknowledge grandparents’ efforts, both big and small.
An interesting part of the survey mentioned earlier is that when grandparents were asked to change how they treated their grandchildren, nearly half actually changed; however, the other half either said they would change and didn’t, or they just flat out refused. It makes me wonder how many of the latter grandparents were ever affirmed and appreciated for their relationship with their grandkids. At the end of the day, grandparents simply want to have a good relationship with their grandchildren. It gives them meaning and mission. It’s possible the only thanks they get for that is from their grandchildren.
✦ Acknowledge them for being active grandparents in your kids’ lives. Thank them for all they do. Even if the relationship with them is amicable at best, find those little things—and there are always little things—that you can show appreciation to them for. You never know when that might make the difference in seeing eye-to-eye with your parenting wishes.
Speak favorably about grandparents in front of children.
I didn’t always do this well. When we were about to visit my parents, I would subtly give snark in front of the kids as to how much ice cream would be served or how expensive the toys they came home with would be. This was not helpful to anyone and sent confusing messages to my kids as to how they were supposed to respond to their grandparents.
What I did change was how I prepared my kids for a visit. I would say something to the effect of, “Your grandfather loves to give you things and let you eat lots of good treats. That’s because he loves you very much. Just be sure to be very respectful not to ask for something that hasn’t been offered to you [this was my parental response to my kids’ tendency to ask for every toy in the aisle], and be sure to say thank you when you do get something. And of course, you already know that time with your grandparents is a special time. We don’t always get ice cream after every dinner. But I want you to appreciate how much your grandparents love you and the time they want to be with you.”
Consider the energy level, health, and endurance of grandparents.
One mistake I’ve made is assuming my parents were able to parent in the same way I do. Depending on many things, they may not have the energy to keep on the kids the way younger parents do, especially with younger kids who are more active and rambunctious. Sometimes it’s just easier to give the kids an ice cream cone just to keep them in one place! Putting this in perspective has helped me come to terms with some of the differences we have in handling my kids.
Disagreements as to how to treat the grandkids is often multifaceted and complex. It’s easy to think grandparents are trying to undermine your parenting on purpose or out of spite; I have learned from my own parents that they simply want to cherish the time they have with their grandchildren. They want to be an important part of their lives. That’s something I can’t disagree with and actually want for them. Determine what’s vital and what’s casual, keep the communication lines open, and show as much appreciation as you can. These steps will help both sides understand that you are all on the same team of raising great kids to be great adults.
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How To Increase Communication In Your Home
How do you increase communication in your home and make sure everyone’s connected?
When healthy communication is happening in the family, everyone feels connected and part of the same team. All the gears are synced up, your family is firing on all cylinders and is heading in the same direction. There are regular check-ins to make sure no one drops the ball and there are no surprise projects or performances. If issues need to be addressed with the whole family, you’re able to get everyone together and effectively address them. You and your spouse have plenty of time to express needs and concerns, feel heard and also have time to chat and stay connected.
There are two parts to getting connected and bonded together and building those strong relationships. The first is being intentional about one-on-one communication with each member of the family and the other is having good consistent communication together as a whole family. It would be nice to want this, snap your fingers and BOOM, life is golden. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. You’ll need to be intentional in your efforts and it will probably take some time to turn the ship. But the payoff can be life-changing for your family. This is so totally doable! You just have to tweak a few things.
1. One-On-One Communication.
Start here. Make time to hang out. Watch your kids play some video games, ask them to go run an errand with you, or take them out for ice cream. Car rides are magical communication times—the ride to school, practice, or a friend’s house—these are all primo talking opportunities. (Some family members are extroverted and will be talking your ears off. Don’t forget your quiet, introverted family members. You might have to make an extra effort to connect with them.) Some parents make the ride to school a tech-free zone to promote conversation in the car.
The basics of communication are speaking and listening, and there are ways to get better at both of them. They are learned skills you can improve on, but before we even get into that—communication usually happens organically when you are together.
2. Family Communication at Home.
Same rules apply. Communication usually happens organically when you are together—it’s just a matter of how to get everyone together. I know everyone is super busy (maybe that has to be addressed) but try to carve out at least a few times a week when you eat together with phones turned off. (I’m gonna give you some conversation starters so it isn’t just awkward silence.)
Family game nights, family movie nights, family outings to a park—these usually lead to some good ole’ fashioned chit-chat. Check out this Parenting Toolkit: A Family Guide To The Best Summer Ever! It’s filled with ideas for activities and conversation-starters. Plus each activity is geared toward learning an important relationship skill. Check out other family resources HERE.
If your family is going in a lot of different directions, weekly family meetings can decrease drama and encourage open communication as you talk about the family calendar, who needs to be where, when projects are due and require parental assistance, etc. Family meetings are also a way to empower your kids and encourage open communication. Anybody can request a family meeting if there is an urgent issue they believe needs to be discussed. In general, family meetings should be fun, short, and involve everyone. You want two-way communication, not a lecture. You are looking for feedback from everyone. Follow it up with a fun activity.
How do you get better at communication in general?
Here’s the insider info to get you communicating like a pro. We covered the need to be together, but now what? (If you have teens, check this out.)
The Speaking Part of Communication in Your Home
“So how was your day?”
“Okay.”
[Conversation over.]Here are five things you can ask instead of, “How was your day?” You don’t want to be a criminal interrogator; you want to be a conversation initiator. Big difference. This means open-ended questions, asking “what makes you think that?” or saying “tell me more” quite a bit. It means sometimes answering questions with questions, then listening for what is hiding underneath a question or statement and following up on it. The goal is to understand where your child is coming from. When they feel like you “get” them, they are much more likely to open up to you.
Work on being more observant. Notice I didn’t say, “private investigator.” You want to be a conversation instigator. What are your family members (including your spouse) into? What makes them light up? How do they spend their free time? Where do they put their energy? If you have younger ones, get on the floor and play with them. Step into the world of your family members with sincere questions. Then really listen.
The Listening Part of Communication in Your Home.
Be available when your family members want to talk to you. Avoid distractions and interruptions. Give your full attention. (Put yourself in their shoes. Ask clarifying questions. Ask questions that take the conversation deeper. Model the kind of communication you want to have. (Check out this article on active listening skills—especially the Six Levels of Listening.) People love talking to a good listener.
There are books filled with conversation starters and the internet is filled with lists of questions for kids of every age and for couples. Invest in a few books or click around for some lists. They’re great for road trips and pillow talk. Just when you think you know all there is to know about somebody, one of these questions will take you into new territory and they are tons of fun.
27 Family Conversation Starters
- If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go and why?
- If I could do one thing to be a better parent to you, what would it be?
- What do you worry about the most? Why?
- What will you do when you graduate high school?
- When was a time that you were kind to someone else?
- What is the best thing about our family?
- Who is someone you admire right now? Why?
- What is the “lesson” or “takeaway” from your favorite book or movie?
- What do you think about tattoos and piercings?
- How common do you think cheating is at school? What do you think about cheating?
- What is the biggest factor in being successful at school?
- Is it better to be optimistic or realistic? Why?
- What do you like about you?
- Have I ever not noticed when you were sad?
- What makes someone popular?
- What is one thing you would try if you were completely fearless?
- How do you react when your feelings are hurt? Does it help?
- What do you think about the drinking age?
- Who gets bullied or teased at school? Why?
- How should someone handle it if they are bullied?
- What do you like best about your friends?
- Is there anything you don’t like about your friends?
- What is the hardest part about being a kid?
- How is love/marriage different in real life than in the movies?
- What is the hardest thing about being a girl? Being a boy?
- Do you have friends with different religious beliefs?
- What do you think about that? How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?
★ Good communication in your home doesn’t happen by accident. But you can absolutely increase the quality AND quantity of communication in your family. You got this!
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How to Be a Supportive Parent
When I became a parent, I was not prepared for the “surge” of protectiveness that took over my body. I felt like it was my job to protect my child from all sorts of hurts, disappointments, fears, and sadness. I may have unknowingly included their father and other family members, too. Did they wash their hands before holding my child? Are they following my parental instructions to the letter of my law? Why is he playing so rough with them? Learning how to moderate my “Grizzly Bear Mom” tendencies helped me become a more supportive parent.
Research has shown that being a supportive parent has far-reaching benefits for your child. Being a supportive parent helps your child be better equipped to handle stressful situations, be able to handle their own emotions, be capable of regulating their behavior, and get along with others.
Here are a few steps you can take on your journey of being a supportive parent for your child:
1. Be as empathetic as possible.
Being able to empathize with your child means you can place yourself in their shoes. And consider: How tight are the shoes? Do they have holes in the toes? Be aware of a situation they experience that mirrors one from your childhood. If your childhood experience or trauma becomes the focus, your child will feel unheard and marginalized. Now is not the time to help them learn to build tough skin. When you empathize, you become a soft place for your child to land when experiencing difficulties.
2. Enjoy being a student of your child.
Becoming a student of your child means you enter their world. You learn about the topics they’re interested in even if it holds no interest to you. Your child may be interested in: Sports (baseball, soccer, lacrosse, football, tennis), Music (instruments, singing, producing videos), Art (drawing, painting, photography) Animé, Video Gaming, Crafting, Animals, or a myriad of other topics. Dig deeper and say things like: Tell me what you like about… The key here is to remember that your child is a separate person from you. Children feel seen and valued when parents ask about what they like.
3. Be open and askable.
For many parents, showing support means doing something (also known as having the “fixer syndrome”). Here’s the BEST thing your child needs you to do for them: Listen, Listen, Listen. Listen to understand, listen for more information, and listen to identify emotions. You can also give your child space to process what they’re feeling. As you become more open and askable, you’ll have to guard your reactions, especially when your child shares difficult situations with you such as being bullied, picked on, or teased by others. Believe it or not, your child is very aware of your feelings and will shut down if they feel like you’re upset. Probing statements like “tell me more” allow your child to share on their terms without feeling like they’re being interrogated.
4. Make time to connect.
Create intentional time where you both engage in an activity they really enjoy. Making time in your schedule to play them, watch something with them or even allow them to teach you something new will demonstrate your support to them. Children feel supported when they know they are cared for, encouraged to grow, and feel a sense of belonging in your family.
As you work through these key steps to becoming a supportive parent, remember it’s all about process, not perfection. There will be days you’ll miss a step or two. Becoming a supportive parent is about seeking to understand your child’s world, including their feelings, fears, and frustrations without making the situation about you. When you create this connection with your child, you’re actually creating an environment of support and helping them feel like they belong. Ultimately, you’re preparing your child for LIFE.
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What to Do When You Catch Your Teen Looking at Porn
Guilt. Shame. Shock. Anger. Confusion. What happens now? (I’m talking about how parents often feel after they catch their teen looking at porn.) You know you are going to have to talk to your teen about porn, but you aren’t sure what you will say or how to have this conversation with your teen in a productive and healthy manner. This conversation is an excellent opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with your teen. You got this!
A few things to think about BEFORE you talk to your teen:
You control the tone of the conversation, and how you approach this conversation is significant.
Your response has the potential to communicate that sex is dirty, being curious about sex is unhealthy, and that your teen is perverted or has something wrong with them. This is NOT the conversation you want to have.
Remember—this is an opportunity. You can have a tone and approach that opens the door for future conversations and draws your teen toward you OR you can have a tone and approach that slams this important door shut and pushes your teen away. (And they won’t be talking to you about anything personal for a long, long time.)
You may have a lot of thoughts and emotions of your own to process. Take your time and make sure you are in the right frame of mind with your emotions in check.
Ask yourself: What are my goals for this conversation?
If you have multiple children using multiple devices, make sure you are not jumping to conclusions about who was looking at what.
Spouses look at pornography too. This isn’t the time to play detective, but make sure you have your facts straight. Nothing feels worse than when someone accuses you of something you didn’t do.
Even if you found something on your teen’s phone, there is still the chance that they were not seeking anything explicit or pornographic.
They may have mistyped a URL, accidentally clicked an ad, or clicked on a trick link. They could have been “Cyber-Flashed.” Some popular apps like Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram leave the door wide open for other users to send things unrequested. The apps themselves sometimes “recommend” explicit content. Facebook is notorious for individuals sending a friend request, followed by explicit material after you accept the friend request. Even a friend or sibling could have been using their phone.
[Any of these scenarios still require a conversation, but one on digital safety. This online class covers all the bases.]
Educate yourself about pornography and its effects.
The website linked at the end will be a big help before you talk to your teen. Understand how pornography affects the brain and the chemistry of addiction.
A few things to think about AS you talk with your teen:
DO:
- Try to find a time and place that allows for private undistracted, uninterrupted conversation. Here’s an example of a conversation.
- Remember the Closer/Further Rule: Are my words, tone, attitude, body language more likely to cause my teen to want to move closer to me or move further away? (Literally and figuratively.) Am I exhibiting a calmness, openness, and compassion to my teen? “It’s safe to move closer to this person.”
- Be direct, matter-of-fact, and calm—“I found pornography on your phone, (or tablet, or laptop) and I’d like us to talk about it.” [Be prepared for a variety of possible reactions—guilt, shame, or embarrassment over getting caught, or even anger and resentment for feeling like their privacy has been violated.]
- End the conversation by asking if they have any questions, reaffirming that they can always come to you to talk about anything or when they feel tempted. Ask them how you can help them and above all else, tell them you love them no matter what and are willing to walk with them down this path.
DON’T:
- Interrogate. Gently ask questions. You probably want to know when they first saw pornography, how often they look at pornography, what they use to view pornography. Ask your teen how they feel after looking at porn. (Keep a good poker face even if you hear some things that make you uncomfortable.) You know your teen. You know how to gauge your teen’s responses.
- Lecture. You may have your own reasons why you don’t want your teen viewing pornography. Consider the following reasons as well:
- The brain chemistry of addiction. Watching porn releases dopamine (“feel good” chemical) and oxytocin (bonding chemical). Both play a role in addiction.
- Because of this, viewing pornography is an escalating behavior. The viewer will feel the need to see more porn and more explicit pornography to get the same chemical “high.”
- Porn presents a distorted view of human sexuality and creates false expectations. It also leaves out the relational intimacy that contributes to good, healthy sex.
- Pornography affects real-life relationships. Using porn is associated with less satisfaction in relationships, less close relationships, more loneliness, and more depression (Hesse & Floyd, 2019).
A few things to think about AFTER you talk to your teen about looking at porn:
- Follow up. Teens often freeze-up when they are uncomfortable. They may need a day or two to process your conversation. Their thoughts, feelings, and questions might take a few days to form, so it’s a good idea to follow up a couple of days later with, “Now that you’ve had some time to think about our conversation, what thoughts or questions do you have?”
- Talking to your teen about sex and looking at porn is not a one-time talk. As a parent, you want this to be an ongoing conversation. Be an “askable” parent. Cultivate a relationship with your teen where they feel comfortable talking to you about hard topics and asking you questions.
- You may want to make some practical changes in how you use technology in your home. (Electronic devices used in common areas of the house, devices charged in your bedroom at bedtime, etc.)
- You are the best app to protect your teen online. If you choose to install apps or programs that restrict or report content on a device remember, teens find workarounds. Ultimately, the battle against pornography is won by knowing the truth and character development. Your relationship with your teen is the first and best line of defense.
- Fight the New Drug (This website is a gold mine for info!)
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People have sometimes said to me, “Chris, you have two daughters. Aren’t you scared to death of when they start dating?“
I like to reply with an answer that really throws them for a spin: “Actually, I can’t WAIT for when my child dates!” (I usually either get a look like I have three heads or just a headshake-of-pity as they slowly turn and walk away with a “tsk-tsk…”).
“Why can’t you wait?” you may ask. I know when my daughters begin to date, they’ll be entering a new phase in their social and emotional development, a period in their lives that will have life-transforming experiences. What they do in their early dating lives is going to shape who they marry, if they choose that route. And that’s exciting to me. (Not to mention, I’m chomping at the bit for that first you-can’t-go-on-a-date-with-my-daughter-until-I-interrogate-you meeting. I like to call it the “First Date Inquisition.”)
Now, despite my gusto for dating, even I know there’s a healthy point for this phase to happen. Typically, when children and teens go through different stages of development, what happens in one stage plays a major role in how well they’ll get through the next. So, I want my daughters to enter into the dating stage of their lives as fully equipped and prepared as possible.
So when should I let my child date?
That’s a hard question to answer. But, given all that I just shared, I can tell you when I won’t let my kids date.
When they can’t yet articulate to me a good purpose for dating.
Let’s be honest—when my daughter walks out of the house to meet someone for a date, the first thing on her mind probably isn’t, okay, I’m doing this because… She just wants to have fun, talk to someone who is as interested in her as she is in them. However, before that day comes, I do want her to have in her head why, overall, she wants to date. Because at the end of the day, there are good reasons and bad reasons to date. I don’t know that there’s a single right answer for all families to the question, “What’s the purpose for dating?” Parents and teens need to talk together to determine some positive purposes, with parents being the voices of wisdom.
In our house, we talk about how dating:
- Prepares you to know better the kind of person you want to marry (if that’s something in the cards).
- Is something that helps a young person grow into the person they are.
- Develops healthy social skills that are beyond friendship relationships.
When they cannot yet grasp that their value doesn’t come from whether or who they date.
I want my girls to know that a romantic partner does not make them more of a person. They aren’t somehow “not enough” without a boyfriend. And that, despite what other people their age might be doing or saying, dating isn’t something you need to do because it helps you feel more accepted in your friend group. In other words, I want them to develop self-confidence and the beginnings of a firm identity beyond their dating life.
When a teen knows this, it can protect them from adolescent dating risks. Research tells us that teens who have a healthy amount of self-efficacy, or self-assurance, are less likely to experience dating violence, use drugs or alcohol on dates, or cave into sexual pressures.
If they don’t feel like they can communicate with me or their mom if something is wrong.
I’m just going to lay it out there for you: as much as it may pain you, when your kids begin dating, they will experience heartbreak, pressures, and temptation. They are going through the mental and emotional gymnastics of development. And they are going to come to points, many times, when they are stuck and need a voice of wisdom. That’s you. I want my daughters to know they can call me if they are at a place they don’t want to be and I’ll be there to get them. And I want them to feel comfortable to open up about what they are feeling or experiencing in a dating relationship. Despite popular belief, this is very possible.
If they are dealing with depression or anxiety.
The bad news is that, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, 30% of adolescents experience some kind of anxiety, and Pew research tells us that 13% of adolescents in 2017 experienced at least one major depressive episode. The good news is, the vast majority of these issues in teens are very treatable. If my daughters experience any kind of depression or anxiety, I’m confident we can work through it over time. However, I don’t want a boyfriend or an active dating life to be the coping mechanism they use to deal with these things. Bad things happen when the “other person” is made the emotional crutch.
When they can’t separate their dating life from their compassion for others.
What I mean here is sort of the reverse of the previous bullet point. Both of my daughters are very compassionate people; they’d gladly give everything they have to help someone who’s down and out. However, we’ve all seen relationships where one person stays because they feel the need to help the other deal with some issue. And this brings the fear that if you were to break it off, the other person might go off the deep end somehow. This is “martyr dating,” and it’s not healthy. I want my daughters to understand that dating is not the avenue to walk people through their problems.
A couple of caveats need to be made with the above points:
- Now, if I were to wait until my kids had all these things down in their development to let them date, well, they may be living in my house a verrrrrrry long time. Obviously, they won’t have it all together in their teen years. But the idea is to know my kids well enough to know that they are well on the road toward these developmental traits.
- These developmental lessons begin well before teens are anywhere close to dating age. As a matter of fact, they begin with a close, connected relationship between parent and child. Parents need to be in the pocket, having ongoing conversations on these ideas with their kids. This is how children build self-confidence and trust to go to their parents with problems, even when they are older. Ongoing conversations help teens cope with anxiety and other emotional issues. And it helps them come to a good understanding as to the purpose of dating.
There is no magic age a child should be allowed to date. It really depends on the child and where they are in their thinking and development. But one thing is for certain: parents need to become a student of their kids, continually learning more and more about how they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, and getting a sense of the direction of their development. This is the best way that we as parents can prepare our kids for a healthy dating life.
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