Should You Apologize to Your Spouse for Something You Didn’t Do?
I’m sorry.
Let’s face it — these two little words are packed with meaning, depending on the situation.
I’m sorry I screwed up.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I am sorry, but it wasn’t my fault.
I’m sorry you’re a jerk.
Apologies matter in marriage. But we know all apologies aren’t equal. It’s not always whether we use the words, but how we use them that makes a difference.
Stuff happens in marriage.
Words get said. Feelings get hurt. Expectations aren’t met. Misunderstandings occur. Responsibilities fall by the wayside. Someone forgets an anniversary.
All the same, these things cause your marital connection to run off the rails. Even with minor instances, you want to get back on track with your spouse. But how do you do that? Well, research tells us apology is one of the most essential tools for reconciliation in the eyes of both the offender and the offended.1
Last night, my wife and I were going to sleep, and she decided to have a little fun. She put her hand up close to my face, thinking I was unaware of it in the dark. Unfortunately, she miscalculated my ninja-like sensibilities. I felt it, reacted on reflex, and accidentally poked her in the eye.
Was it my fault? No, not really. Was it on purpose? Absolutely not. It was a reaction. Did I apologize? Profusely! I would never intentionally harm my wife, and, taken the wrong way, she might think I wasn’t concerned for her well-being. My sincere apology smoothed out the situation. (Her eyesight is fully restored, by the way.)
Of course, there’s more to an apology than the words. Most of us were taught the formula: Say the words = everything is okay now.
Did you bite your teacher’s ankle again, Mikey? You need to go and apologize…
And for many of us, that formula got passed down to our marriage. Apology as words-only, at the least, is ineffective. And at the most, it does more damage.
Consider these times when you shouldn’t simply say I’m sorry to your spouse:
- To simply end the argument because it’s uncomfortable
- When you don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you know you’re being blamed for something again
- To get something from your spouse, like an admittance of wrongdoing or a “return-apology”
- To manipulate someone into forgiving behavior you fully intend to keep doing
So then, why apologize? Say it with me:
I apologize when I recognize my contributions to our disconnect.
Apologizing isn’t always a matter of something that was “right” or “wrong.” Many times it’s simply a matter of contributing to an issue. There’s a difference.
Think of it like this:
I apologize…
- When I do something flat-out wrong. (Duh. That’s obvious.)
- Even when it was unintentional.
- When I didn’t do something morally wrong, but still, I didn’t consider your feelings.
- For miscommunication on my part.
Studies tell us that a genuine apology expresses ownership and remorse for something, seeks to empathize with how it affected the other person, and tries to compensate in some way for the offense. 2,3 In short, apology is about restoring the relationship rather than erasing the wrong.
So should you apologize to your spouse for something you didn’t do?
The bigger question is, What were your contributions to the disconnect? And how did that affect your spouse? And what can you do to restore the marital connection?
Talk about it together. Empathize. Consider your contribution. Take ownership of that. See it from your spouse’s point of view. And then ask, Do I need to apologize?
The result? You move further ahead in your relationship than where you were before the disconnect. There is a deeper right than being right.
I’m not going to share what happened with my spouse after the eye-poke incident. (That’s personal – but let’s just say we weren’t sleepy after that.) But I will tell you that what followed would not have happened without a wholehearted apology. Connection restored.
When conflicts are managed well and effective apologies are made, your marriage can come out even better on the other side.4 And that’s nothing to feel sorry about!
Sources:
1Fehr, R., Gelfand, M. J., & Nag, M. (2010). The Road to Forgiveness: A Meta-Analytic
Synthesis of Its Situational and Dispositional Correlates. Psychological Bulletin, 136(5), 894–914. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019993
2Anderson, J. C., Linden, W., & Habra, M. E. (2006). Influence of Apologies and Trait Hostility on
Recovery from Anger. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 29(4), 347–358. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10865-006-9062-7
3Kirchhoff, J., Wagner, U., & Strack, M. (2012). Apologies: Words of Magic? The Role of Verbal
Components, Anger Reduction, and Offence Severity. Peace and Conflict, 18(2), 109–130. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028092
4Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital Interaction and Satisfaction: A Longitudinal
View. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.57.1.47
How to Deal with Manipulation in Your Marriage
You want a marriage where you both work together and are free to be yourselves. However, if your freedom to think and make decisions that reflect your ideas and desires is a little, well, stifled, you may be feeling manipulated. Nobody wants to feel that way. If that’s the case, you’re probably wondering how to deal with manipulation in your marriage. Let me tell you: it may be challenging, and it may take some time, but you’ve got to deal with it. Especially if you want your relationship to thrive.
Being manipulated can really mess with a person. It affects your mental health, self-esteem, and confidence. Manipulation in your marriage can be subtle or direct, relatively mild or emotionally abusive. Regardless, it’s not a good thing. Here’s why: It attempts to control your spouse in an underhanded and unhealthy way.
Subtle and mild manipulation probably happens more than you realize in marriage (which doesn’t make it right).
Take, for instance, the line of questioning from one spouse to another, “Do you have anything to do Friday night?” And when the response is “No,” the spouse says, “Good, we can have your in-laws over to the house for dinner and a game night.”
Though this situation probably isn’t to the level of calling a counselor, it’s manipulative. It takes the spouse’s choice away regarding how they’ll spend their evening. You or your spouse may not even notice the manipulation. But when one spouse makes the other feel like their desires or thoughts don’t matter, and the spouse uses that to get what they want, that’s manipulation. And it’s painful.
Manipulation can also be more direct.
Let’s use the same situation, but this time, one spouse says, “If you love me, you’ll invite your in-laws over for game night this weekend.” Nothing subtle there. Just a direct guilt trip if you don’t respond “correctly.” Not fun.
When you feel manipulated, you may feel:
- Guilt, though you’ve done nothing wrong.
- Gaslighted, or made to feel like you’re crazy.
- Isolated, if your spouse punishes you with the silent treatment.
- Powerless, because your choice seems to be taken away.
- Inferior, if your thoughts, opinions, and wants are dismissed or ignored in favor of the manipulator’s.
- Blamed, as though any negative results are your fault.
How can you respond?
Well, you’re in a tough spot, for sure. Here are some things that might help.
- Self-reflect and know what your own desires and thoughts are. Try taking a step back from the conversation before committing to anything.
- Be specific. The point is to understand what each person wants without the added expectation that you must oblige. Ask specific questions to separate their wants from what they’re doing to control you.
- Call it out. Your spouse should know it’s not ok to use underhanded or overt tactics to get their way. Explain the manipulation and how it makes you feel.
- Set boundaries. Not blindly allowing yourself to be manipulated is key. Boundaries can help you make sure that you both respect different ideas without taking them personally just because they are not the same. Create boundaries to help each person hear and understand the other’s thoughts, feelings, and wants. You should agree that you won’t judge each other.
I know this all sounds easier said than done, and it is. Here’s why: Your spouse may be used to getting their way by manipulating, whether they know it or not. If they don’t get what they want, they may react negatively. Fear is a powerful thing. And the fear of not getting what we want may cause us to be even more manipulative, deceitful, or even forceful.
If your spouse is being mildly manipulative, it might be good to start the conversation with, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if you don’t get your way right now?”
For many situations, though, involving a counselor is gonna be your best bet. A manipulator who suddenly isn’t getting their way may react violently. They may become emotionally or physically abusive, or destructive. It can take some time and therapy to get to a place where they accept not getting their way. (If you’re the victim of abusive behavior, don’t hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org.)
Knowing yourself and finding security in who you are can help you fight the tendency to be manipulated in your marriage. It will also help you find healthy ways to move toward that mutually respectful relationship you want. In a healthy relationship, manipulation isn’t a weapon, and differing opinions are welcome.
Other helpful resources:
My Spouse Is Putting Me Down. (How Do I Get Them to Stop?)
How to Find a Counselor Who Will Fight for Your Marriage
What to Do When You Don’t Feel Emotionally Safe in Your Marriage
5 Tips To Keep Sex Healthy In Your Marriage
How’d you get stuck in a sex rut? It’s just life. It’s normal and to be expected. More importantly, how do you get out? You know, fun, passionate, surprising, and playful sex!
Here are some tips to keep sex healthy, hot, and happenin’ in your marriage.
1. Talk About Sex.
This is the gateway right here. Many people just aren’t comfortable talking about sex with their spouse. Create an environment where it’s safe for both of you to be honest and vulnerable about your sexual thoughts and feelings. Easier said than done? Probably.
Here You Go:
Option 1. Make a game out of it. Sexual Truth Or Dare.
Option 2. The internet. Is full of questions. To help couples. Get talking. About sex.
Pro-Tip: Keep it positive. No complaining. No judgments. Take turns listening.
2. But What About The Kids?
Isn’t it ironic that you (typically) have kids by having sex, but by having kids, it’s harder to have sex? Again, totally normal, but Kids-In-The-House-Sex: Quick. Muffled. Vanilla. It’s like Splenda. Sure, it’s sweet, but it’s not that pure raw sugar.
The Workaround:
Option 1. Hotel Sex. It doesn’t have to be a vacation or your anniversary. It can be because it’s Thursday and you have a babysitter. You don’t even have to go out of town or somewhere nice. Make it part of the family budget. Best money you’ll spend. Repeat a couple of times a year.
Option 2. Stay-At-Home Synchronized Sick Days. Or take vacation days. Go through your typical morning routines and dress for work. Take the kids to school or daycare like a typical weekday. Nothing going on here. Then meet back at the house. Take your time. It’s not all about sex. Talk through some “get to know you” questions. Go for a walk, then shower together. Have a great day of which sex is just a part.
Pro-Tip: Tell your spouse to take such and such day off. (Don’t tell them why. Plan a fun day.)
3. Don’t Have Sex. Yet.
Anticipation is a powerful stimulant.
Wait For It:
Option 1. Agree to have sex in 24 hours. Spend that time flirting. Leaving love letters. Texting what you’re looking forward to doing. Engaging in some non-sexual touch. Teasing. Then, finally, pleasing.
Option 2. Same as above, but 72 hours. (Yup.) Crank up that sexual tension. Enjoy it. Don’t neglect the biggest human sexual organ — the mind. Have some great conversations. Do some fun things together. Strengthen your bond. Talk about your relationship.
Pro-Tip: Put your energy into connecting with your spouse in non-sexual ways. Pressure, or wondering if sex is on the table, is off the table. (But you know it’s coming.) Get emotionally intimate in the meantime. When you do connect sexually, it will be more profound.
4. Roll Play.
Equipment Needed: Two dice. You. Your spouse.
The Roll Rules:
Option 1. First dice: (1.) Caress. (2.) Kiss. (3.) Tickle. (4.) Lick. (5.) Nibble. (6.) Roller’s Choice. Second dice: (1.) Neck. (2.) Hands. (3.) Mouth. (4.) Chest. (5.) Tummy. (6.) ???
Roll the dice, feel something nice. Time limit per roll? Hey, this is your game.
Option 2. (I think you can see how this game lends itself to modification.)
Pro-Tip: Roller with the highest score after 4 rounds gets to “make a request.”
5. Play Doctor.
Sorry, not THAT playing doctor. Have weekly or monthly “check-ups” or “check-ins.” Coming full circle, talking about it is the best way to improve sex and keep it healthy in your marriage. Connecting on levels beyond the physical enhances sex. Connected couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives. Talk honestly about your sexual health. Discuss sexual frequency. Talk about what’s working and what might need to be modified.
Don’t turn to the internet with questions like, “How much sex should couples have?” Turn to your spouse. Sex is best when you don’t just focus on “doing it,” but doing life well together.
Other helpful blogs:
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life
7 Questions Every Couple Needs to Ask Each Other to Improve Their Sex Life
I love talking about sex. No, not in a pervy way. Let me explain: I think more problems happen when sex is not discussed than when it is, especially among married couples. Get this: even nerdy science says couples who talk about sex have much healthier… and dare I say, steamier… sex lives than those who don’t! Kind of makes you want to cue up the conversations!
But just what exactly should you talk about? Uhhh… honey, I like sex… do you like sex?… Ok, cool…
No, no, not like that! There are a gazillion great questions to help couples discuss sex. Questions about likes & dislikes, turn-ons & turn-offs, mood-makers & mood-killers.
So, because I love talking about sex, and because I want you to love talking about sex, here are seven questions every couple (that’s you!) needs to ask to improve their sex life.
1. What makes sex fun for you?
Sex is fun, right? But everyone has their own take on what makes sex fun. Talking this through helps you understand what makes the bedroom romp more enjoyable for your spouse and facilitates the fun!
2. What do you consider be-foreplay?
Some people need certain things to be in place before the room starts rockin’ – perfectly normal. That’s be-foreplay.
Do the dishes have to be dried and put away, the bedroom door double-locked, or a fresh coat of WD-40 applied to the bed frame? Discussing this helps you be more aware of what helps your spouse get in the mood and what you can do to make that happen.
3. What is off the table? (And what’s on the table… if you know what I mean…)
Part of what makes sex in your marriage so adventuresome are the different things you can try. A new position, a new location, a new piece of lingerie, a new piece of furniture… Discuss what you are open to and what isn’t in the cards for your love life.
4. How does stress affect sex for you?
Some people have to feel de-stressed before the lovemaking commences. Others de-stress when they have sex. One isn’t any better than the other. But knowing where your spouse is on the spectrum helps you set the tone.
5. We have different interest levels in sex. How do we meet in the middle with that?
It’s normal for two people in a marriage to have different sex drives. But often, it goes unaddressed, and frustrations can quickly build.
- Who has the more active libido?
- How can one of you let the other down gently when you don’t want to have sex, and how can you assure them you’re looking forward to the next time?
- What are your expectations as a couple as to how often you have sex?
Discussing these kinds of questions helps put you on the same page in how you approach intimacy and improving your sex life.
6. What makes me insecure about sex?
Whether big or small, we all have insecurities about the sexual part of our marriage.
- I don’t know if I can be kinky or seductive enough for him.
- I’m not sure I will last long enough for her.
- How do I compare with popular standards of beauty or body type?
- Am I a failure if my spouse doesn’t climax every time?
Call these insecurities out together; work to put each other’s insecurities to rest as you affirm each other.
7. How has sex changed in our marriage over time?
Marriage goes through seasons, and your sexual relationship can change as well.
- How have these seasons affected your love life?
- Have big life events like job changes, moves, grief, or mental health struggles had an impact?
- What effect have children had on sex?
Talking about this helps you work through oncoming seasons of marriage to keep your love life alive and active.
A final word of wisdom: Sometimes, these conversations will be fun, lighthearted, even hilarious. Don’t be afraid to laugh about sex. Other times, your discussions will carry a more serious tone. Some topics can be heavy and difficult to discuss. Either way, talking about sex in your marriage benefits your marriage. And the best way to get the most benefit is to make it an ongoing discussion. It’s healthy to have sex regularly in your marriage, so doesn’t it stand to reason that you should talk about sex regularly? Talk it up, ask yourselves these questions, and watch your sex life improve!
Other helpful blogs:
How to Talk About Sex in Marriage
3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage
Steps to a Productive Marriage Check-In
In your marriage, have you ever:
- Let an issue fester to the point it felt impossible to talk about?
- Left the kids somewhere because you thought your spouse would get them?
- Worked late and forgot an important family event?
- Been disappointed about something but never stopped to work through it?
Staying on the same page with your spouse doesn’t happen by accident.
Businesses have staff meetings.
Sports have team meetings.
And marriages need marriage meetings. We’ll call these Marriage Check-Ins.
A Marriage Check-In is when you and your spouse meet to talk about marriage and family stuff.
A Productive Marriage Check-In helps you to:
Be on one page about money, direction, schedules, concerns, expectations, etc.
This can help you avoid assuming, overscheduling, overspending, or leaving your 5-year-old daughter at home to babysit her 3-year-old brother. (I will neither confirm nor deny this occurrence.)
(psssst… Want a fun, lighthearted way to start the money conversation? Check out this Financial Would You Rather from Annuity.org!)
Address issues before they fester and become major.
Things often bother you before they make you mad. Check-ins offer regular opportunities to deal with those things when they’re (hopefully) at the “bother you” stage.
Specify a time to deal with marriage business.
Ever caught yourself discussing plans or concerns during a date? Don’t use precious date nights for marriage business. (At least not that kind of business. ; ) )
Strengthen your couple connection.
Let’s face it. You feel more like a team when you effectively communicate about the important stuff. (Read How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse for some tips.)
Hear and understand each other.
Undivided attention is GOLD in marriage. When you focus on listening and understanding each other, that’s 24-karat magic right there. (Read 3 Ways to Be a Better Listener.)
Remember the important things.
Who hasn’t forgotten a simple social engagement before?
Steps to a Productive Marriage Check-In
Set a Time
Saturday mornings before kids need you and Sunday evenings after kids’ bedtimes are two great times. Put it on your calendar. Set the notifications. If you have to miss it, you can reschedule it right then. Weekly or every other week is a good idea, and 30 minutes is a reasonable length of time. As you get consistent with the check-ins, you may decide to do them monthly.
Parameters/Boundaries
No kids allowed. No technology except when it’s obviously adding to the value of the meeting, e.g., using your calendar or planning a date and looking up attractions.
Environment
You’ll probably have a routine. You may discuss on Saturday mornings over coffee or sit on the couch after the kids are in bed. Occasionally, change it up. Check-in while strolling through the neighborhood or a park, driving around town, or while you’re out for breakfast. Enjoy the environment with the one you love.
Always start by Appreciating Your Spouse
Your spouse will look forward to the check-ins because they know they’ll hear something positive about themselves. Start with something like…
- You know what I like about you? I’m gonna tell you. ___________
- I liked when you ___________ earlier this week.
- I noticed your ___________ yesterday.
- When you ____________, I appreciated it. That was helpful.
- Thank you for _______________.
Discuss upcoming schedules
Work schedule/changes, community meetings or activities, kids’ events, and social calendar all fall into this category.
Answer the questions:
- Who’s going?
- What’s the cost?
- What’s the time commitment?
- What needs to be done to prepare?
- Are there any conflicts?
If you need to make reservations, sign forms, or contact people, clarify who will do it.
Listen to Your Spouse’s Emotional, Mental, and Physical Needs
Generally, save this for last because it’s the most open-ended. These 3 questions are good starters. And if you use them every time, you may both start thinking about the answers beforehand.
- How are you doing and feeling?
- How do you feel like we are doing as a couple?
- Are there any issues or concerns you’d like us to talk about?
What To Call It
Some of you will call it a Marriage Check-In and be good with that. More adventurous people may want a name with more personality. (Let us know what you come up with!)
Keep in mind: a productive Marriage Check-In isn’t like those never-ending staff meetings, which are a necessary evil. This is with the one you love. It’s a chance to connect, grow, and course-correct so you’ll enjoy your marriage to the fullest.
Other helpful blogs:
What Does It Mean to Put Your Spouse First?
What Does It Mean to Put Your Spouse First?
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. The Puzzled Look on my daughter’s face turned to a smile, and then came the proverbial rolling of the eyes (and that’s a good thing).
Here’s the conversation:
Daughter: You’re really not going to be at our basketball game Saturday? (Said with disbelief.)
Me: Nope. I’m taking my wife (who happens to be your mother) on a marriage retreat.
Daughter: Can’t y’all go anytime?
Me: Doesn’t matter. We’re going this weekend. What you worried about?
Daughter: Nothing. I just… (Shrugs her shoulders.)
Me: If anyone asks where your parents are, just say, “At a marriage retreat acting married.”
Daughter: (Rolls the eyes.)
Me: Don’t worry. We love you, and we hope you play well. But I love that fine-looking queen of mine more.
Daughter: (Walks away smiling, rolling her eyes, and I’m guessing, processing what’s just happened.)
She’s witnessing me putting her mother, a.k.a. my spouse, ahead of her.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST?
It doesn’t mean that you miss every sporting event, never hang out with friends, or never work overtime. It starts with the heart. And your actions and thoughts will reflect the contents of your heart.
A priority is something we treat or rank as more important. Putting your spouse first above work, children, hobbies, birth family, or other responsibilities means prioritizing your spouse. It doesn’t mean we neglect work, abandon our children or don’t do the things we love. It means that we make sure our spouse knows that we value them more than we value all those other “good” things.
Here are some ways you can demonstrate that you prioritize your spouse.
Ask Before You Make Plans
When making plans and decisions (particularly ones that affect where you spend your time, money, and energy), ask your spouse for their thoughts and opinions. This shows that you don’t want to do things that may negatively affect your spouse or marriage.
Example: Your co-workers are going out for drinks after work. You want to go.
Prioritizing Your Spouse:
- Call to tell your spouse the situation.
- Ask how they feel about it. “What are your thoughts?”
- Ask how it will affect the rest of the day. “Anything happening that this will change?”
- Understand that turning down the offer may be the best move for your marriage.
Message Sent: Asking shows your spouse that he or she matters. Their feelings matter. How your decisions or plans affect them matters.
Pay Attention to Your Spouse’s Needs
Your husband’s or wife’s needs come first. That’s where your strongest commitment is. Be aware of how easy it is to want to help everyone else and think your spouse can handle everything themselves.
Example: It’s nearing your kids’ bedtime. They’re fussy, whiny, and being difficult. You’re having a deep, meaningful phone conversation, helping a friend.
Prioritizing Your Spouse:
Tell your friend, “I know this is important, but it’s bedtime, and I need to jump in and help get these kids down. Let me call you back.”
Message Sent: You have your spouse’s back. Even though your friend has a pressing issue, so did your mate. You just demonstrated where your priorities lie. Jumping to help fix everyone’s problem and only helping your spouse when it’s convenient shows they aren’t the priority. We want our spouse to be the first one we support, not the last.
Consider the Impact on Your Spouse
After marriage, your life isn’t just about you. Significant changes affect you both1. Be upfront with your spouse about changes and let them prepare for how it will affect them.
Example: A major project will require you to work overtime and use a lot of mental energy.
Prioritizing Your Spouse:
Address it head-on from the moment you sense this is a major time-consuming project. Tell your spouse about the overtime and potential stress. You might say, “I don’t want you to feel neglected. As soon as it’s over, we can make up for some lost time, if you know what I mean.”
Message Sent: You’ve considered the impact on your spouse and shown some vulnerability. You’ve recognized what you will lose and indicated a desire to gain it back because you’d rather be with your spouse than work all those extra hours.
Couples experience different seasons. You may both have heavy work seasons and superactive kids’ seasons where you feel like taxicabs. Dealing with sick family members can also pull lots of time away.
Putting your spouse first starts with a desire to see them happy, at peace, and connected.
That’s what my daughter took away from us missing her basketball game.
Interestingly, research shows that putting your spouse first provides the security, comfort, and stability that helps children thrive.2 And, when couples put each other first, it sets the stage for a fantastic relationship where each person feels loved, supported, and secure.
SOURCES
1ScienceDirect. (n.d.). Family systems theory. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/family-systems-theory
2Brown, S. L. (2010). Marriage and Child Well-Being: Research and Policy Perspectives. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00750.x
OTHER HELPFUL BLOGS:
The Difference Between Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
We all have expectations. We expect the sun to rise and seasons to change (all in one day for those of us in Tennessee). Perhaps we expect our spouse to put their dirty clothes in the hamper. We expect the post office to deliver our mail.
We base our expectations on personal experiences and understanding, often beginning in childhood. They are birthed from how we believe the world works. They may be rational or irrational, realistic or unrealistic. Grounded in truth or fantasy. Based on facts or opinions. Stem from our experiences and decisions.
If we aren’t careful, expectations can negatively impact our marriage. In the National Survey on Marriage in America, the National Fatherhood Initiative reported that 45% of divorced respondents said unrealistic expectations contributed to their marriage ending. That’s almost half of all divorcees surveyed.
Marriage is a partnership, and healthy couples desire what is best for each other. To know what each person needs, you’ll want to communicate often about what you expect. It won’t be a one-time conversation because expectations change with the seasons of marriage.
The first step is to identify what our expectations are. The next step is to recognize what is realistic and what isn’t.
So, what are realistic expectations?
Realistic expectations are those that can be met. You can discuss them and agree about them. Some realistic expectations require compromise. These could be expectations around household chores, sex, and finances, among others.
Here are some examples of realistic expectations:
- Sharing responsibilities around the house. Remember, marriage is a partnership.
- Showing respect to each other. This is crucial and foundational.
- Speaking kindly. Words have power. Uplift each other with words of life.
- Saying “I love you” often. You just can’t say this too much.
- Trusting each other. Trust is essential. If trust is broken, work to repair and heal.
- Honoring each other’s dreams. Our dreams are often different. That’s ok. Encourage each other to chase those dreams.
What about those unrealistic expectations?
Unrealistic expectations are the ones we may not say out loud. They’re the unspoken ones. We somehow expect our spouse to read our minds and know what we want and how we want it done. (Like knowing exactly how to fold towels. Or is that just my marriage?) Sorry to burst your bubble; they can’t read your mind. As much as that would be great, it doesn’t happen.
How do we resolve unspoken expectations? You’ve probably heard this before – communication.
So, we can solve some unrealistic expectations by simply discussing what we each expect in our marriage. Write it down, talk about it, resolve any issues and make a plan to move forward together. Don’t miss that “together” piece. Remember, you’re on the same team.
Let’s be honest. Some expectations are just plain unrealistic and unhealthy.
Here are examples of some unrealistic expectations:
- Your spouse is responsible for your happiness. You alone are responsible for your happiness. You can’t put that responsibility on anyone else; it’s unattainable.
- Your spouse will complete you. Your spouse may complement you, but they don’t complete you. They can’t.
- The person you married will never change. We all change and grow. Hopefully, we grow in healthy ways together. But change is inevitable.
- Your spouse’s life should revolve around you. Each of you is an individual. A marriage is made up of two individuals, loving and caring for one another.
- All of your time should be spent together. We all have different interests, and that’s ok. Your spouse shouldn’t completely ignore you and not spend any time with you. But it’s ok to have other interests and hobbies.
- Your way is the right way. Marriage requires compromise from two different people with different backgrounds and experiences. Compromise in marriage is a beautiful thing.
We all have expectations, but they don’t have to derail a marriage. Come together as partners and communicate what you expect. Keep the conversation going. If one of you is unwilling to compromise or maintains unrealistic expectations, you may need professional help. A counselor who wants to see your marriage succeed can help you work through the tough stuff.
Other helpful blogs:
- How to Deal With Unspoken Expectations
- The Difference Between Sacrifice and Compromise in a Relationship
- 4 Signs Your Marriage is Healthy
- What if My Marriage Doesn’t Make Me Happy?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at:1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
So, Your Spouse Is Lazy… Here’s What to Do
When you dreamed about marriage, you probably had some things on your perfect partner ABC list. Things like attraction, brilliance, compassion, does anything I ask, etc. The letter “L” would have included stuff like loving or long kisses. Let me tell you what probably didn’t come to mind: Lazy spouse.
Realizing that your spouse is L-A-Z-Y stinks.
It can be painful and downright frustrating to feel like you’re putting in most of the effort. It can lead to anger and resentment for the one you promised to love, honor, and cherish for a lifetime. These bad feelings are not helpful for your marriage.
There is a chance that what you think is laziness might be something else…
But let’s say your spouse is truly lazy. And you’re over it.
You want more for your marriage. You want to know your spouse cares. And you want to feel heard, seen, and appreciated. But you’re tired.
I feel for you.
And while there are no guarantees, there may be some things you can do to get your lazy spouse off the couch and by your side.
Here’s what to do.
Talk about what you need.
According to one report, 61% of participants said that sharing household chores is very important for a successful marriage. (Although that percentage seems low to me.) And many couples are struggling to make ends meet, too.
Your mate can’t see what you think, and they probably didn’t take Mindreading 101, so you’re gonna need to lay it all out (without nagging). Say, over a non-threatening cup of coffee.
- Talk about the budget.
- Write down all those unseen things you do and what needs to be done. Let them know you want a fully-invested partner in your marriage and home life.
- Ask how you both can make that happen, financially and emotionally.
- Talk about what your spouse does well, find ways to use their unique skills to make your lives more fulfilling, and make sure you both have time to rest and recharge.
- If you have kids, discuss how you both want to model the kind of mate your kids should look for.
- Provide options. Delegate tasks.
- Set a start and stop time.
- Divide and conquer together.
ASK for what you need.
Motivate your mate.
Make a big deal when they do helpful things.
- Tell them you appreciate the things you think they should just do, like taking out the trash. Tell ’em nobody could take that trash out any better than they do.
- Brag on them, even over small things. Make them feel like a hero.
- Mention how close working as a team makes you feel. And how great it is to cross things off the to-do list.
Remember, if it’s fun, it will probably get done!
Be willing to do things their way.
Early in our marriage, my husband washed the towels. With the clothes. Leaving fuzz EVERYWHERE. Of course, since I was the “laundry expert,” I let him know about it.
Not the best move for my marriage or my dreams of laundry bliss. Learn from my mistake.
Any chance you’re expecting too much or that your standards are too high? Ever re-do what your honey does? Or complain about how they do it? (Guilty.) If your spouse is afraid of doing something wrong or being criticized, they may just give up or resist because they don’t want to fail or because it hurts.
There’s more than one way to do things, and how you respond can encourage or stop the help you want.
Seek Support.
Maybe you’ve tried these things already, and you feel stuck. That’s super hard. Talking to a professional counselor, either on your own or as a couple, may help. You might even have to hire someone to do some bigger or specialized things that need to get done.
I’ve heard that insanity is continually doing the same thing while expecting different results. If what you’re doing isn’t working, try something else. A change in you may lead to a change in your lazy spouse, and ultimately, a change in your marriage.
I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that you won’t know if you don’t try. And I wish you the best.
Other helpful blogs:
- Expectation Frustration Part 1: Unspoken Expectations
- How to Overcome Built-Up Resentment in Marriage
- How to Improve Bad Communication in Marriage
- What to Do When My Spouse Feels Unappreciated
- How to Deal With a Spouse Who Can’t Handle Conflict
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
