Conversation Starters for Kids and Parents
Dad: “Hey bud, how was your day today?”
Son: “Fine.”
Dad: “Was it a good day?”
Son: “Yep.”
Son: “Can I go play now?”
Have you had this conversation? We have… too often. After a couple of these, it was time to regroup and rethink how we created conversation with our kids.
To get the most engagement from your little ones, ask them questions that interest them. Ask questions that spark their imagination. If you want to know how their day is, invite them to do something with you and ask questions while doing something together. If kids feel like they are being interrogated, they will resolve to one-word answers.
Conversations with your kids can be informative and entertaining. When we engage our young children in healthy conversation, we lay the groundwork for deeper conversations as they get older. I want us to be the first people our kids go to when they need to talk about a challenging topic or have big questions about the world.
There is so much opportunity to have fun conversations with your kids if you start with the right questions. We have learned from experience not to ask questions with one-word answers. Open-ended questions are where it’s at.
Here are some of our favorite conversation starters for kids and parents.
For check-ins and deeper conversations:
- What is the most fascinating thing you learned today?
- What is your favorite part about today?
- Who did you eat lunch with? Or play on the playground with?
- What is the oddest thing you did today?
- What’s a new experience you had this week?
- What is something you have recently done that you are proud of?
For mealtime or drivetime:
- If you could only eat one fruit for the rest of your life, which would you pick and why?
- Would you rather live in an igloo or a treehouse?
- Would you rather be able to walk on the moon or breathe underwater?
- What’s something new you’d like to try this year?
- What’s your favorite memory of the last year?
- If you could go back in time and change your name, what would you choose?
- What do you think the clouds feel like?
- What’s your favorite color in the rainbow?
- What’s the best thing about being the exact age you are right now?
- If you were deep-sea diving, which creatures would you like to see?
- What’s your favorite thing to do when it’s raining?
- If you could fly, where would you go?
- If you had one superpower, what would it be?
- Who would you like to get a letter from?
- What do you most wonder about the future?
- If you could hang out with anyone in history, who would it be? And what would you do?
To get the most out of any conversation starters, you have to be all in. Be willing to answer any questions you ask and have fun with the answers.
Remember, these conversation starters can help you lay the foundation for the more challenging conversations that are coming. If your kids can rely on you to answer the crazy questions, they’ll be more willing to ask the challenging ones. Have fun and be ready to laugh a lot!
Other helpful blogs:
5 Ways Positive Parenting Creates a Lifelong Connection with Your Child
100 Conversation Starters To Increase Your Family’s Connectedness
Five Simple Things You Can Do To Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Child
5 Ways Kids Can Affect Your Marriage (& What to Do About It)
Me: “Ok, what’s on the calendar this week?”
My wife: “We have two baseball games. I have to work late Tuesday. You have a PTA meeting Wednesday morning. Our friends invited us to dinner on Friday.”
Me: “Ok, I have four runs scheduled. I forgot I have a dentist’s appointment on Tuesday afternoon. I’ll move that so I can pick up the kids. Oh yeah, don’t forget we have a tournament this weekend.”
We look at each other. “Do you remember life before kids? What happened?”
Does this conversation sound familiar?
Being a parent is amazing, but it’s tough. Life changes with kids, and each stage of parenting brings new challenges. There’s a lot to balance.
Let’s be real: kids affect your marriage. Here are a few common ways and what to do about it:
1. Self-care often takes a backseat for parents.
Self-care, what’s that? Both of my elementary-age kids have schedules, activities, homework, projects, and social lives. (Wait, when did their social lives replace mine?) It can be hard to carve out alone time, but you need it, and so does your marriage.
So, what can I do about it? Schedule self-care just like you schedule everything else. Don’t just wait for time to run, go to the gym, do yoga, or whatever activity you prefer. Make sure your partner schedules it, too. You’re a team, and team members need to be healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally) for the relationship to be healthy.
2. You may disagree about parenting styles.
My wife doesn’t parent as I do, and it’s frustrating at times. Ever been there? It happens. We all enter marriage with a belief system about how to parent, and it’s often based on how we were parented. Couples talk about if they want to have kids, how many, and when. But they don’t talk about how to parent. And that can lead to frustration.
So, what can I do about it? It starts with communication. If you aren’t on the same page about parenting, talk about it and try to come to a resolution. Express what you both believe and why. Don’t accuse; instead, work toward compromise. If you both want what’s best for your child, you’ll find a solution together.
3. Date night can get put on the back burner.
Dating is crucial to a healthy marriage, and kids can affect your ability to do that. Before kids, there may have been elaborate date nights, expensive dinners, flowers, and gifts. Now, you don’t feel like there’s time to think about dating. And what do you do with the kids? You don’t have the time to not have a date night, because they keep you connected and pursuing each other. Date nights just may look different.
So, what can I do about it? Set realistic expectations. Date nights may not be what they once were, but they can be memorable. Prioritize date nights and put them on the calendar. Try once a month and then progress to once every other week. Dream big: Make your goal once a week. Your marriage (and your kids) will thank you.
4. Your sex life may change.
Early on in parenting, your sex life often takes a backseat because babies make life interesting. But you’d expect it to bounce back once you’re past the toddler years. For many, it does, but it isn’t always consistent. And kids always find a way to interrupt. Sex can become just another item on the to-do list, and that’s no fun. Being intimate with your partner is a worthwhile priority for your marriage.
So, what can I do about it? If you don’t want to sacrifice physical intimacy due to exhaustion, busyness, or stress, schedule sex. Yep, have an honest conversation about your sex life. Agree on how often and when. Plan how to handle potential interruptions. Scheduled sex may seem boring, but it creates anticipation and excitement.
5. Marriage satisfaction may decrease…
Kids and all the issues I mentioned above can affect your marriage by adding stress to your marriage. When stress mounts in your relationship, satisfaction decreases. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that many parents with kids experience reduced satisfaction, too.
So, what can I do about it? Here are a few ideas:
- Have social support—parents, friends, family, and neighbors. Get help when you need it.
- Practice self-care. Make sure you’re getting sleep, eating well, exercising, and pursuing hobbies.
- Find and maintain balance. Balance work with play, your needs with your kids’ and partner’s needs, and time.
- Focus on your mindset—practice gratitude and positivity. Have fun and be patient.
Yes, being a parent is challenging, but it’s so rewarding. Enjoy it, make memories, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Be intentional about having a healthy marriage, because it’s the best thing for you and your kids.
Other helpful blogs and resources:
Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
My Spouse and I Disagree About Parenting
How to Have More Sex in Marriage
I know it ain’t easy to keep things rolling in the bedroom.
Life happens. Marriage goes through seasons of busyness and stress. Not to mention—one of you may be “in the mood” or tired more often than the other. And finding time to have more sex may not be at the top of your list.
But healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is a good thing. It can enhance and stimulate other parts of your marriage, like emotional intimacy, too. And vice versa. (Related: 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage)
But if there’s conflict, well… chances are, sparks aren’t flying in the B-E-D.
So then… how do you go about having more sex? Here are some thoughts:
1. Don’t make more sex the goal.
Wait, what?! Isn’t the title of this article How to Have More Sex? Yes, but here’s the deal.
Quantity and quality are not the same. And sexual intimacy doesn’t equal emotional intimacy, either.
Emotional intimacy involves understanding each other. Learning and growing together. Caring for and knowing each other well. When each spouse feels valued and understood, that closeness translates into a more satisfying sex life for you both. (Try these 6 exercises to strengthen emotional intimacy.)
Quality sex is where emotional and sexual intimacy meet. It means realizing what goes on in the day to day affects how much you enjoy your sexual experiences. Don’t underestimate the impact that considering your spouse’s needs in AND out of the bedroom can have on your sexual fulfillment.
So what is your goal? It’s being aware and working toward that emotional connectedness, which naturally leads to (you guessed it!) some pretty awesome sex. Who doesn’t want more of that?
(Up your Emotional Intimacy IQ here: What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage and Why Does It Matter?)
2. Don’t let your kids get in the way.
We’ve all been there: the heat is rising in the bedroom when KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK… “Mommy? Daddy? I can’t sleep. I’m thirsty.“
And just like that, the mood is shot.
No doubt, kids can unintentionally hinder sexual intimacy. Over the years, my wife and
I have established a lockdown procedure.
Lock door. ✅
Minimize the noise level. ✅. (There’s a closet door close that rattles if it’s not cracked. TMI? Well, now you know…)
If my wife thinks our activity could draw our kids’ attention, the deal’s off the table. Can you relate?
So, set up some lockdown rules.
- Install locks.
- Teach your kids that the bedroom is your room, and knocking is required.
- Establish “closing time” for both your bedroom and you; if it’s after closing time, don’t drop by. (Double Bonus: Kids learn respect and boundaries.)
If they’re old enough, you might bribe your kids to leave the house sometimes. Here’s a dollar; if you go play in the yard and don’t come in for half an hour, I’ll give you another.
Or, if you’re like a friend of mine, throw 99 pennies in the backyard and tell the kids they can’t come in the house until they find all 100 of them. ; )
3. Talk about sex (more).
Studies tell us that couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives.
- What turns each of you on or off? I mean, what if you’re doing something you think your spouse LOVES, but they don’t (or the other way around)?
- That thing they did that drove you crazy? Tell them.
- Discuss your favorite positions or things you’d like to do that you’ve never done.
- Send a sexy text, write a racy Post-it note or leave a steamy voicemail to build anticipation for your next rendezvous.
These ideas can be beneficial if one of you is more like a crockpot that needs to simmer and get ready for sexy time. If one of you is more like the Instant Pot, building up the pressure beforehand will make the release that much sweeter when it’s time to get down to business.
4. Schedule it.
Seriously, get a room. Or find a sitter. Have some “alone” time that works for both of you.
- Getting the kids to bed is a great incentive if you know prime time comes afterward.
- Are your kids late sleepers? Just might be worth it to be the early bird.
- Kids in school? You won’t have to worry about interruptions or those lockdown procedures if you take a long lunch here and there… just sayin’.
5. Get busy with dates.
Couples who have regular date nights report greater happiness. It’s true!
- Use what you learned from your sex talks to creatively plan something new and exciting for each other. Finding ways to please each other outside of the bedroom can help you score inside the bedroom.
- Invest in conversation and activities that help you connect more deeply.
- Plan it or be spontaneous! Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be expensive, but NOT dating your spouse can cost you some of the closeness you crave. (These date nights can make it easier!)
Doing these things will not only improve the quality of sex you have—it also sets you up for more frequent romps. You’ll be well on your way to more (and better) sex.
So what are you waiting for? Don’t you have some lockdown procedures to take care of?
More Resources:
How to Talk to Your Kids About Politics
We’re told there are two things we don’t talk about in life: politics and religion. The only problem is, this “rule” sets us up for failure when these topics come up in conversation. Inevitably, most of us don’t know how to talk about them in a healthy way.
Children are exposed to endless amounts of information in our connected world. As parents, it’s our responsibility to prepare our kids to be good citizens. We can help our kids learn how to talk about sensitive topics like politics.
My wife and I have done a lot of research, trial, and error to figure out how to productively approach the conversation about politics with our elementary-age kids. Here are 6 tools we’ve used along the way and would like to share with you:
1. Decide your children’s intake.
With younger children, parents play the role of gatekeepers. While we can’t control what they hear at school, we can shield them from much of what the media shares. They haven’t entered the world of social media yet. When it comes to parenting and politics, we can choose how much information our kids receive.
Remember, kids are sponges. They hear everything and will repeat what they hear even if they don’t have the facts straight.
2. Frame the political discussions within your family values.
As you discuss politics with your children, frame the conversation within your family values. Some of our values are kindness, humility, and honesty. Ask your kids questions that reflect your values.
- Does this feel true to you?
- Was that a kind thing to say or do?
- Do you think that person cares more about themselves or others?
- Do you think this person is a good leader?
I’m astonished at the way my 5 and 8-year-olds think. They see the character traits of others and are quick to call them out. They keep us on our toes, for sure.
3. Teach your children about citizenship.
As citizens, we have a responsibility to be engaged in government. This is the foundation of our government system. Talk to your kids about what it means to be a good citizen. Start with the local level. Teach them about what the city council, school board, and mayor do. Help them understand how citizens can be part of the political process.
4. Talk about the issues, not politics.
Focus on the issues. What’s important to your family? I have a newfound interest in who is on the school board and their decisions since I have kids in elementary school. Help your children identify the issues and see where each side stands. Discuss the pros and cons together.
5. Avoid the ugliness of politics.
Let’s face it; we all celebrate when elections are over because we’ve been overwhelmed with endless political ads. While election season can be especially ugly, it doesn’t end there. Remember, you control how much exposure your child has to politics. Be diligent in keeping them away from the name-calling. With the internet and social media at our fingertips, we have a full spectrum of news sources (not to mention family and friends). Remember—you’re the gatekeeper.
6. Help your children form their own opinions.
As parents, we have the responsibility of raising adults. I want my children to contribute to society and influence others. Present the facts to your kids and help them form their own opinions.
We’re often heavily influenced by our parents’ views and beliefs. This isn’t bad, but we have the opportunity to help our kids process what’s important to them.
Remember to focus on values and issues. A lifetime of decisions and information influences your political stance. Your children don’t have that wealth of information, but you can help them decide based on values.
Don’t fear talking about politics with your kids. It’s a part of everyday life, whether you’re talking about your mayor and city council or the President and Congress. The conversation is ongoing. Give them room to ask questions as well. Encourage their curiosity.
Related Resources:
Present vs. Perfect Makes For Unforgettable Moments
As a mom of two young girls, I struggle with the idea of being present vs. perfect. But I had this idea. A fun, whimsical baking sesh with my uber-helpful daughter, Jackie, baking a beautiful, homemade, delicious, vegan Frozen-themed cake for her 4th birthday party. I was determined to make it happen. I was going for “super mom” status as I prepared for a small family get together that became an elaborate Frozen-themed birthday extravaganza. I’d already sent out the FB event invite. This was Jackie’s “un-FOUR-gettable” birthday. It was too late. I had to make it unforgettable.
So the pressure was on. The ingredients splayed on the counter, complete with sifter and spatula. We went to work. Now, I have to admit, I’ve tried baking before. With okay results. Nothing too horrible. But when you’re a mom and you’re working with a limited time frame, and multiple kids running around, constantly needing something (water, milk, snack, attention!!) an easy recipe to follow suddenly becomes a daunting, time-consuming luxury you just don’t have. Or is that just me?
Either way, I welcomed Jackie’s help in combining the cake ingredients.
She helped sift the flour, held the measuring cups and poured the contents in the mixing bowl. It was a slow, imperfect process, full of spills and extra time allowing a 3 (almost 4) year-old to “do it all by my own.” There were so many moments where I had to remind myself that the time we spent together baking this cake was more important than the mess we’d have to clean up or the extra time it took with more cooks in the kitchen. Present vs. perfect.
I even had to re-envision my idea of a “fun, whimsical baking sesh.” The truth is, life is MESSY. And kids require A LOT of patience. To think we could bake a cake together in 30 minutes was downright laughable… it took roughly an hour and a half to finally pop that pan into the oven. By then my patience proved tested over and over. I revised my idea of a mother-daughter bonding time multiple times. I modified my expectations of perfection greatly.
Perfection…
It’s this elusive idea that parents know is actually impossible, yet continually strive for and are sorely disappointed when any factor detracts from their path to it (i.e. a crying child who wanted to use the small spatula, NOT the big spatula). We snap photos of a perfect smile, hoping we can mask the reality of tears, emotion, frustration, and impatience with a clever #unfourgettablebakingsesh! But the truth is, it doesn’t matter if it took more time to bake the cake, and it doesn’t matter that the cake didn’t even… ahem… turn out good (more on that later*).
What matters is that I took the time to include my daughter in helping to make her own birthday cake. It was special mother-daughter time, even if it didn’t go exactly how I wanted it to go in my head. Even though it wasn’t perfect. I was present. She was present.
The time we spent together is what made it unforgettable.
*I’ve come to accept that I’m clearly NOT a baker. I’ll gladly pay $45 for a delicious bakery cake. I’ve learned that I don’t enjoy it and I’m not good at it. And I don’t have the time, or energy, or desire to improve my baking skills. Although I followed the directions to a T… somehow the cake didn’t bake evenly and the middle ended up being a sunken pile of goo, albeit tasty goo.
Although I felt embarrassed and slightly ashamed to serve the cake at Jackie’s birthday party, I did it anyway. I warned people that the middle miiiight not have baked fully and that it wouldn’t offend me if they didn’t eat it. And while the adults all took some bites and shook their heads with a sympathetic “Mmmm hmmm” as they reached the goo-filled middle, I’m happy to report that all the kids loved it.
6 Tips for Vacationing with Children
Are we there yet? He’s touching my side of the seat. I’m hungry. I need to go to the bathroom. If you’ve ever taken a family vacation, you know these words are part of the package when it comes to vacationing with children.
Whether you’re taking a two or 10-hour adventure, families can actually succeed in spending lots of time together in a small confined space, create great memories and share some good laughs.
Although there’s no guarantee you’ll have a perfect trip, these suggestions can help when vacationing with children:
Include your children in the vacation planning process.
Even young children can help find information about your destination on the internet or in books. Whether you plan to camp for the weekend or take a long trip, let them help you choose the activities.
Mark off the miles.
Once you know where you’re headed, ask the kids to draw a map from home to your final stop. As you click off the miles in your car, have them fill in the road on their drawing. This will help them visualize how far away they are and may help curb a few of those, “Are we there yet?” questions.
Allow each child to assemble their own trip kit.
Make sure you give them a size limit, like a backpack, for their goody bag. Ask them to include games and toys they can play by themselves and at least one game they can enjoy with the entire family. You can even put together your own trip bag with surprise activities or treats to share. Rand McNally has fun travel games for families, including a scavenger hunt.
Create tech-free time frames along the way.
Remember the license plate game, road trip BINGO, Name That Tune and add-on storytelling? All of these would be great to teach your kids while giving them a break from DVDs or video games.
Start a daily “Positive Attitude” contest the minute you pull out of the driveway.
Select a family mascot, then award the “it” to the person who has had the best attitude of the day every evening. The selected family member can keep the mascot until it’s someone else’s time.
Plan “play breaks” into your allotted travel time.
Even adults can find it hard to travel for long distances without a break. Instead of taking the quickest route to your vacation destination, plan some stops along the way so the children can run off pent-up energy. Have lunch at a park. Look for educational points of interest along the way and give the family a break from the cramped quarters of a car.
All of this may require a little extra planning, but the outcome will be worth it. Since families get to spend so little time together these days, it’s especially important to make the best of the times you do have with each other. Here’s to happy travels and making great memories.
How to Encourage a Growth Mindset in Kids
How can you encourage a growth mindset in your kids? Carol Dweck is a pioneering researcher in the field of motivation. In her book, “Mindset,” she addresses why people succeed or don’t, and how to foster success through the power of yet. She tells the story of a Chicago school where students had to pass a series of courses in order to graduate. If they did not successfully pass the courses they were given the grade of “not yet.” Dweck thought that was brilliant.
“If you get a failing grade, you feel like a failure,” she says, “But if you receive a not yet, it means you are on a growth track.”
In an effort to more fully understand how children cope with challenge and difficulty, Dweck gave a group of 10-year-olds math problems that were slightly too hard for them. Some of the children said things like, “I love a challenge,” or “I was hoping this would be informative.” Dweck says they had a growth mindset because they innately understood their abilities could be developed.
Another group of students thought their inability to solve the problems was tragic. They believed their intelligence was up for judgment and they failed. In fact, Dweck shared that in one study the young students said they would cheat the next time instead of studying more if they failed. They also looked for someone who did worse than they did to make themselves feel better. Dweck refers to these students as having a fixed mindset – believing that personal qualities are carved in stone, which creates an urgency to prove one’s self over and over.
In a TED talk about mindset, Dweck asks, “How are we raising our children? Are we raising them for now instead of not yet? Do A’s have to be so important to them that they have no idea how to dream big dreams? Are they carrying the need for constant validation with them into their future lives?”
Dweck contends that choosing to praise wisely would be helpful to children. Instead of praising intelligence or talent, praise progress, effort, strategies and improvement. This helps build children who are hardy and resilient.
She also points out that equality occurs when teachers create a growth mindset in their classrooms. For example, in one year, a kindergarten class in Harlem scored in the 95th percentile on the National Achievement Test. Many of those kids could not hold a pencil when they arrived in school. Also in one year, fourth-grade students in the South Bronx who were way behind became the number one fourth-grade class in New York on the state’s math test. And, in a year to a year and a half, Native American students on a reservation went from the bottom of their district to the top – and that district included affluent sections of Seattle, Washington. Dweck believes this happened because the meaning of effort and difficulty transformed. Before it made them feel dumb, but now effort and difficulty enable their neurons to make stronger connections.
“We can change students’ mindsets,” Dweck says.
Every time children push out of their comfort zone the neurons in their brain form new stronger connections. Students who weren’t taught this growth mindset continued to show declining grades, but those who were taught the growth mindset strategy saw their grades improve.
Dweck received a letter from a 13-year-old boy who said, “Dear Professor Dweck, I appreciate that your writing is based on solid scientific research. That’s why I decided to put it into practice. I put more effort into my school work, into my relationship with my family and into my relationship with kids at school and I experienced great improvement in all of these areas. I now realize I wasted most of my life.”
Are we raising children in the environment of yet?
Once we know that people are capable of such growth, it becomes a human right for children to live in places filled with yet. Let’s not waste the time we have with the kids in our sphere of influence. Let’s teach them the importance of mindset, praise their efforts and give them amazing opportunities to grow and become the resilient children we all know they have the potential to be.
Image from Unsplash.com
Even before Halloween is over, store aisles are packed with Christmas everything. Mail catalogs arrive and television commercials promote things we supposedly can’t and shouldn’t live without.
Ikea is one of the stores getting into the Christmas spirit with a commercial called The Other Letter.
Ikea had children write a Christmas wish letter to The Three Kings and a second letter to their parents. The letters to The Three Kings were filled with items the children really wanted for Christmas, but the letters to parents were quite different.
The children didn’t ask for things at all. Instead, they said things like:
- I want you to spend more time with me… that we do more experiments at home.
- I’d like it if you paid a little more attention to us.
- I’d like it if you would have dinner with us more often.
- Read us a story.
- I’d like us to be together for a whole day.
- I want to play. I want you to play cowboys with me.
What their kids said they really wanted for Christmas didn’t surprise the majority of parents. But most of them read the second letter through tears. One said she couldn’t read anymore.
Parents thoughtfully acknowledged their children’s wishes by saying:
- To spend all the time we have with them is the most we can give to our children.
- You want to give them the best you can and the best is yourself.
- The feeling of trying to substitute that vacuum with a toy.
While the children’s letters were thought-provoking, the biggest surprise came when the children were asked, “If you could only send one of these letters, which one would you choose to send?” Each child chose the letter to their parents.
Before your blood pressure goes sky-high about how to give your children everything they “want” for Christmas, consider their true wishes. Perhaps the most valuable gift you could give your children is your time.
As you prepare for the holidays ahead, consider these ideas:
- Make gift certificates for special outings with family members.
- Buy a game to play together like Clue, UNO, Skip-Bo or Catch Phrase.
- Learn a new family hobby together.
- Make a video scrapbook by asking family members questions like, “What’s your favorite family memory, family vacation or family tradition, and why?” Tell your children how things were different when you were little. Open and watch it on Christmas Day.
- Schedule a family progressive dinner in your own home where each family member is responsible for a course. Have the courses in different rooms, decorated by each preparer.
- Create a family photo album. Include old photographs alongside more-recent pictures. People rarely make family photo albums anymore.
- Write a letter to family members. Tell them why they are special and what they mean to you. Put the envelopes on the tree for Christmas morning.
Families who spend time together make memories and feel a sense of belonging you can’t buy in a store. Funny things happen when you laugh, start traditions and really get to know each other as family members.
People long and crave for intimacy in their own families. Store-bought gifts will never fill the void of precious time, so give it freely. It’s what kids really want for Christmas, and it’ll last for a lifetime—no batteries or assembly required.
