My Spouse Is Putting Me Down. (How Do I Get Them to Stop?)

There are not many feelings worse than when someone puts you down, insults you, or invalidates you. And a put-down from your own spouse is like a straight-up punch to the psyche. It’s amazing how easy it is to hurt the ones we love the most with our words, but what do you do if you are the one on the receiving end of the verbal blows? 

This issue has a certain level of complexity to it, which means we have to approach it with care. Many spouses deliver verbal shots and put-downs to their spouse, unaware of the harm it’s doing. This is Situation A. 

Others are well aware and intentional with the harm. This is Situation B, and this is abuse.  

Let me be clear about Situation B right off the bat: If you are experiencing an abusive situation where someone is physically harming you, you need to seek help. Use the hotline number at the bottom of this article. 

You also need to understand that certain situations of verbal/emotional put-downs may be verbal abuse, and often accompany (or are a precursor to) physical abuse. (See the Power and Control Wheel below.)

Healthline gives some red flags to the characteristics of verbal abuse: 

  • They insult you or attempt to humiliate you, but then they accuse you of being overly-sensitive. 
  • They yell or scream at you frequently. 
  • The person plays the victim while they try to make you feel guilty. (“I wouldn’t have to scream at you if you didn’t…”)
  • They get in your personal space as an act of intimidation or try to block you from moving away.
  • They gaslight you—this means they manipulate you into questioning your own version of events in order to gain more power. For example, they may convince you to doubt your memory of them saying or doing something violent or try to convince you you’re crazy.
  • They hit the wall or throw things.  
  • They want credit for not having hit you. 

Sincerely ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do I believe my spouse is putting me down with the intention to harm me, wear me down, or manipulate me?
  • Do I think there is a possibility the verbal attacks could lead to physical violence?
  • If I were to voice my concerns for how they talk to me, is there any fear that they would react with a heated backlash? 

Unless you can answer each of these questions with a confident no, these are strong indicators of verbal/emotional abuse and warning signals for possible physical abuse. Do not confront your spouse. Go somewhere safe and seek help. 

Let’s talk about Situation A.

Your spouse puts you down but they are unaware of how it’s making you feel. They are being careless with the words they use toward you—perhaps in front of the kids. But despite the unintentionality of what they say, you still feel devalued. It’s time to let them know how you feel. 

  • Approach your spouse to talk at a strategic time. Ask them if this is a good time to talk. And if it’s not, arrange a time, preferably within the next 24 hours. Don’t bring up your feelings right after they say something hateful; your emotions will be dialed up, and you want to be calm and able to think clearly when you talk. Choose a time when neither of you are tired or in a bad mood. 
  • Start on a good note. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman suggests opening difficult conversations with a positive. Begin the conversation with something you appreciate about your spouse. Say something like, “I know that you love me and the kids and that you’d do anything for your family.” Or, “I appreciate how hard you work to provide and take care of us.” 
  • Be specific about what you hear and how you feel. Make good use of “I” messages. For instance, “There have been many times when I’ve felt really undervalued and unloved when you’ve said certain things to me.” Name your feelings—beforehand, jot down some specific words that describe how it feels when your spouse puts you down. If it happens in front of your kids or other people, point out that it feels embarrassing or shameful. Err on the assumption that your spouse has been unaware of how they’ve made you feel. You may have to give them an example of what they’ve said. Describe the last incident and the effect it had on you. Avoid giving a laundry list of all the past wrongs they’ve done to you, though. 
  • Use a code word or sign. The point of addressing this with your spouse is help them be aware that they are putting you down and the negative effect it has on your feelings. Establishing some kind of code word or a non-verbal signal can subtly express to them, “You’re being degrading and ridiculing right now, and you need to dial it down.” This is especially helpful in front of the kids or in social situations. For instance, whenever you respond with “Oh, honey…” or you nonchalantly touch your earlobe, you can discreetly and calmly express to your spouse how they’re making you feel at the moment. 
  • Set boundaries. Let your spouse know that if they continue to ignore warning signs and keep putting you down, you’ll simply leave the room when they say something disparaging. Don’t threaten your spouse with divorce or the withdrawal of sex (although you probably won’t exactly feel “in the mood” after being put down). You set up boundaries to protect yourself, not punish others. 
  • Check your own thoughts and words. I mention this last step with a great deal of care, and I encourage you to approach it with humility and thoughtfulness. I have talked with many individuals who have felt insulted by others close to them; however, sometimes there was something within their own personality that colored the situation. Many were highly sensitive to remarks that weren’t overtly insulting, but they heard them through the filter of past negative experiences. 

For instance, one person interpreted an invitation to exercise together as an affront to their weight, an issue to which they felt particularly sensitive. Others that I’ve talked to were offended by another’s insults, but had no problem being equally insulting toward that person. Part of the process of working through this is to consider what may be going on inside you that could exacerbate these feelings. Ask yourself: Are the words I hear from my spouse truly insensitive put-downs, or is there something inside me that makes me overly-sensitive to their words? And, are there ways that I put my spouse down without me noticing it? 

Marriage cannot thrive in an environment of disrespect and insults. And no one deserves to be put down by their spouse. The above steps are a process that may take time before you see real change. There’s a chance that other things are going on under the surface of insults and put-downs being hurled your direction. If these problems persist after taking the above steps, ask your spouse to seek help with you through couples counseling. If they resist, seek professional help on your own. ☆ Sometimes it takes one person in the marriage to lead the charge toward getting help and improving the relationship before the other catches on. 

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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How to Talk with Your Child about Why Parents Fight

“Why are you fighting?” That’s the question one little girl posed to her parents at the dinner table as they were in the midst of a heated discussion about what needed to happen after dinner. How do you talk with your children about why parents fight? 

It’s pretty much a given that parents will get sideways with each other in front of the kids. Sometimes it’s about something ridiculous and other times it’s something of a more adult nature. Here’s the thing: whether it is something small or something that really matters, how you fight impacts your children. Children do not like conflict. 

Witnessing your parents have an argument can be very scary and unsettling for children of any age. Here are some tips for talking with your children about why parents fight.

  • Check your own emotional temperature. It’s very important to be emotionally-aware for yourself and for your child. Before you talk with your child about the reasons parents might fight, you’ll probably want to make sure you’re emotionally ready for it. For instance, right after a fight might not be the best time to have the discussion. When you take the time to cool down before approaching your child, you are practicing emotional regulation, which is a very important skill for both you and your child. When you talk with your child, be specific about the emotions they might be feeling right now. They could be experiencing fear, sadness or worry, among other things. Helping them to put names to what they are feeling will help build their emotional intelligence. It also helps them learn how to process through an experience.  
  • Keep it age appropriate. Everyone experiences conflict from time to time. Remind them about the time they didn’t want to share their toy with their sibling or when they were angry with one of you for not letting them do something. That’s a disagreement, too. Sometimes parents fight when they have different opinions about things, they are upset about something from work or they are tired, have a lot going on, or aren’t feeling well. Help them see that healthy disagreements are normal in families.
  • Discuss feelings and tone of voice. There are times when parents argue that their tone of voice sounds mean, angry and loud. These moments can be very stressful for children. Literally, researchers have measured cortisol (the stress hormone) in children’s bodies and have found that even infants respond to their parents’ fighting. This could be a time when you apologize for the way you expressed your emotions and use it as a teachable moment to talk about how what we say and do when we are angry or upset with each other impacts everyone in the family. We all make mistakes. The goal is to learn how to do things differently the next time you have a disagreement.
  • Reassure your child that you love them and that your desire is to work things out. If possible, let them see you resolve the issue together. If you are fighting about an ongoing issue that is creating significant angst in your marriage, be careful what you share with your children as you do not want to say things that are untrue or will paint your spouse in a bad light. You might tell them that you are asking for help to solve your problem if you cannot resolve it on your own.

Fighting scares children. As a parent, helping them to see that disagreements are part of being in a relationship and letting them know that just because parents are fighting, it doesn’t mean they are going to get divorced can help settle their anxiety. Teaching and modeling what healthy conflict looks like decreases drama in your home. It also prepares children for healthy relationships in the future.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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5 Ways You May Be Putting Down Your Spouse

These things undermine your relationship.

Have you ever made a joke about your spouse and they didn’t think that it was funny?

Has your spouse ever remarked on a “weakness” of yours and you felt some way about it?

Has your spouse ever made fun of you or put you down in front of your kids?

What are some of the common ways that we unwittingly put our spouses down?

1. You talk over or finish their statements when they are speaking.

It can easily become a habit to talk over your spouse or finish their statements for them. When you do this, you are sending the message to your spouse that you don’t respect their perspective and opinion. Additionally, this can minimize them in the eyes of others (family, friends, co-workers, children). 

2. You don’t consider/obtain their opinion or input when making decisions  (i.e., the kids, family vacations, or future plans).

Teamwork is important in marriage. It takes both parts of the couple contributing to make it as strong as possible. When one person makes all the decisions, it can lead to a myopic view of the situation. Having differing options and opinions can strengthen a plan. Like a well-woven tapestry, considering and respecting the input from your spouse creates a better and holistic problem-solving strategy.

3. You MINIMIZE their strengths while you MAXIMIZE their weaknesses.

When couples get together, they often say, “Where I am weak, my spouse is strong and vice versa.” After a time, it can become problematic when the focus changes to, “I really can’t believe that my spouse can’t do that.” For example: you may be very strong at directions while your spouse needs GPS to go anywhere, even places that they have been many times before. Sitting in the car as they set up the GPS, you think, “OMG, I should have just driven. They never know how to get anywhere.” You then share with anyone who will listen that your spouse is seriously DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED. From there you only seem to notice their deficiencies rather than their strengths.

4. You tease your spouse too much.

Whether it is about their hair, nose or the way they eat spaghetti, teasing your spouse can be a way to bring humor to your relationship. However, too much of a GOOD THING can become a problem. If you seem to nit-pick everything about your spouse even with a hint of levity, they may feel undervalued. Find ways to build up your spouse, not tear them down—even in JEST.

5. You constantly re-do tasks that your spouse has already done.

For many spouses, there are two ways to do things: MY WAY (THE RIGHT WAY) and your way. Your spouse may feel belittled as you refold the towel, remake the bed or reload the dishwasher. You inadvertently are telling them that their efforts are not wanted, needed, or appreciated. Because only YOU can do it, the RIGHT WAY.

Zig Ziglar said, “The first step to solving a problem is to recognize that it does exist.” Recognizing that you may be putting down your spouse is the initial step. While your spouse does things differently than you or even parents differently than you, it is KEY to respect those differences. Making fun of them or negating the importance of your spouse in your life and in the lives of your children undermines your relationship. Remember that the two of you are a TEAM. 

✦ Each of you has a role to play to make your family the BEST that it CAN BE!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage

Here's how to rejuvenate your sex life AND your marriage.

I have good news for you: an exciting sex life is salvageable and well within your reach for you and your spouse. 

Here are three ways you and your spouse can take your sexual relationship from mundane to mind-blowing:

1. Don’t make fun the point of sex.

Wait, what? Did he just say that? Isn’t fun the point? Yes, I did, and no, it isn’t! It seems counterintuitive and requires a change in your thinking. Zack Brittle, certified therapist and blogger for the Gottman Institute, says sex isn’t just about the act itself (or at least it’s not all about the act), but rather it’s about sharing the body, mind, and soul as a couple. Sex is about connecting, bolstering intimacy, and exercising vulnerability with the one you’ve chosen to love the most. It’s a part of your relationship that’s meant to strengthen your relationship.

If the attention to your sex life with your spouse is centered merely on fun, you forget the overall essential role sex plays in your marriage, and the irony is that fun becomes a casualty. Focusing on connecting with your spouse in your sex life goes beyond the fun; it makes sex better. 

And here’s where it becomes even more ironic: when you do focus on connection, sex becomes a lot more fun, adventuresome, and playful! (For a more in-depth look at the relationship between sex and intimacy, check out our Marriage Course: Discover Deeper Intimacy In Your Marriage!)

2. Dedicate to communicate.

Say it with me: Communication affects the sex. (Doesn’t that rhyme nicely?) Couples who struggle with communication struggle with other areas of their marriage, including their sex life; it’s all connected. But those who work on better, healthier ways to communicate thoughts, feelings, and needs with each other experience more connection, friendship, and intimacy. And this, as we’ve learned, is directly correlated with healthy (and fun) sex!

There are many resources out there for improving marital communication (see the links below for some great advice), but what I would emphasize to you here is frequency and depth of communication. Strive to communicate on a daily basis with your spouse, and aim for deeper levels of conversation than simply small talk. Work on communicating your opinions, dreams, ideas, needs, and emotions with each other — and listening to those of your spouse without value judgment. Simply listen to understand and draw closer to the one you love the most.

One more thing needs to be said about communication and sex.

Working on your marital communication is vital; however, marital sex is even better when you work on talking about sex. According to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, only 91% of couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another report sexual dissatisfaction. (So, Salt-N-Pepa had it right when they rapped “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…” back in the 90s.)

Talking with your spouse about what turns you on, your interests and preferences, vulnerabilities, and sexual playfulness can be uncomfortable for many. But the good news is that it’s a learned skill that can greatly increase your comfort level. In her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, therapist Michele Weiner-Davis says the right way to approach conversations about sex with your spouse is very much akin to approaching healthy conversation all around: Pick a time you both feel ready to talk; don’t talk when you’re tired, angry, or in a bad mood; pick a safe, comfortable environment; use “I” messages and talk about what you want rather than criticize. The more you wade into the discomfort of talking about sex, the more comfortable and natural it quickly becomes.

3. Super-glue your marriage — including your sex life — to the top of the priority scale.

This is crucial, especially if you have children (of any age) running around your house. Life is busy, schedules are hectic, money is tight. Attention to your marriage and your spouse must supersede these potential speed bumps. A wise person once said, “Show me your calendar and your checkbook, and I’ll show you what’s important to you.” 

Set reminders on your phone to leave love notes. Schedule date times. Adjust your monthly budget to include some funds — even if it’s a small amount — toward nicer dinners (alone) or romantic gifts. ☆ Pay attention to your spouse’s love language — how is it that they feel most loved? Work out childcare with family or neighbors so you can get two hours alone with your spouse. Trade babysitting services with another parent — you’ll watch their kids one night and they’ll watch yours another. 

Prioritizing your marriage doesn’t take doing anything elaborate.

It’s the small things that build and grow a marriage. But it has a direct and powerful impact on your sexual relationship. Foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom; rather, the turn-ons, attractions, and mood-making happen during continual moments of boosting your spouse to the top of your priority list.  

Fun, playful sex is within the reach of you and your spouse, and you can bounce boredom out the window with some simple, intentional strategies. So here’s your assignment: Pursue your spouse. (No, not in a creepy, follow-them-around-all-day kind of way.) 

  • Remember when you were first dating, and there was nothing in your focus except this person? 
  • Remember how things were fun, but that wasn’t the point — you were just wanting to be together and get to know them better? 
  • Do you remember how you talked and talked, and actually listened with interest? 
  • And remember how you set the time and energy to be with that person, and it didn’t matter that you had to wake up early the next morning, or that you were tired from the work day, or that you barely had any cash in the account? 

Pursue your spouse like this, and watch your marriage—including your sex life—be rejuvenated and energized. 

Great articles for improving your marital communication:

Also: 

10 Things Every Couple Needs to Know About Sex

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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My Spouse and I Have Different Political Views

Focusing on your marriage goals can help you navigate any political disagreements you have.

When Trump was elected President in 2016, Wakefield Research found 1 in 10 couples ended relationships over their political differences. For millennials, it was twice that. With that in mind, many wonder if marriages with different political views can survive the increased volatility of the times.

political views

Susan and Darrell* have been married for more than a decade. During that time, they have experienced two presidential elections where they each voted for opposite sides of the aisle. If you ask them how their marriage is today, they will tell you it’s great…

But how can your marriage be great when you disagree on such huge issues?

Susan and Darrell certainly aren’t alone when it comes to being on opposite sides of the political spectrum. Nearly 30% of married households are bipartisan. In fact, there are some pretty well-known, long-married couples who have navigated these waters for years. Take James Carville, a Democrat and Mary Matalin, a Republican. Married since 1993, Carville says in Love & War: Twenty Years, Three Presidents, Two Daughters and One Louisiana Home, which he co-authored with his wife, “I’d rather stay happily married than pick a fight with my wife over politics.” 

That right there is the key. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Explaining the impact of differences in voting patterns on resilience and relational load in romantic relationships during the transition to the Trump presidency) found that couples who actively maintain their relationship are better able to “weather the storm” of an election because they build up positive emotions that protect the relationship during difficult times. So, even if you vote differently, actively maintaining your relationship can help you keep feeling emotionally connected to each other and reduce the propensity for stress and conflict.

For example, in an interview with U.S. News and World Report, Mary Matalin shares that she and her husband have many interests other than politics that they enjoy doing together like fishing, cooking and learning about history. “Talking about the impact of the minimum wage is just not something that is high on our list of fun things to do,” she says.

What does this mean for couples who find themselves with opposing political perspectives? Susan and Darrell, along with other couples in the same political boat say this: “Instead of allowing your political differences to divide you, see it for what it is and don’t allow it to take center stage in your marriage. There are a lot of things we agree on and enjoy doing together. We choose to focus on those things.” 

When you find that you and your mate differ on things like politics, these tips can help you navigate through those differences for the good of your marriage:

  • Avoid trying to change your spouse. Trying to get your spouse to change will only create angst in your marriage. You can appreciate the fact that they are active in the political process and exercise their right to vote (just like you), which is a really good thing and not something to take for granted. 
  • Know that every married couple has issues they agree to disagree on for the duration of their marriage. Let politics be one of them. 
  • Focus on why you married them in the first place.
  • Build up those positive emotions that protect your marriage. Compliment your spouse. Speak kindly about them to others. Be intentional about focusing on the things you love about your spouse and your relationship.
  • Rein in negativity. The more you think negative thoughts about your differences, the more you teach your brain to think negatively about your spouse. This is a dangerous downward spiral that can take you places you do not want to go.
  • Appreciate ways that you are not the same. Differing opinions and perspectives can offer depth and the ability to practice empathy in a relationship.
  • Put safeguards in place such as agreeing that you aren’t going to talk about politics and you for sure are not going to chide your spouse about their political persuasion.
  • Remember what matters most. Your marriage is more important than many differences you have, including politics. It will likely outlast any president’s tenure. 
  • Be respectful. Even when you disagree with your spouse, you can still be respectful. (Here’s why respect matters.)

A pandemic + a struggling economy + an election all in the same year can = frayed nerves, anxiety and an unusual level of sensitivity.

These things can magnify differences in your marriage that normally wouldn’t be a big deal. Knowing that this moment in time is especially extraordinary and putting some safeguards in place can protect your marriage. This allows you to focus on the goals you have set for your marriage… even when you disagree.

*names have been changed.

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How to Fight in Front of the Kids

It started with a simple question from my son at the dinner table. “Can I invite a few friends to go to Six Flags Amusement Park with me for my birthday?” Would it end up as a fight in front of the kids?

Mom: That should be fun. How many friends are you thinking about?

Son: Two.

Mom: Sounds like a good idea.

Dad (Me): Hmmm. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea right now.

Mom: Really. Why not?

Dad: Have you looked at the cost for one person to go to Six Flags? Let alone 3 or 4. Have you looked at our bank account lately?

Mom: How many times does our son turn 10 years old?

At this point, we had a decision to make… 

  1. Do we continue this disagreement that was morphing into an argument in front of our kids? 
  2. Should we squash the conversation until we could get behind closed doors? 

We both were starting to recognize that we felt strongly about our opinions. Internally, we were questioning the next step of the discussion and asking,”Should we have this fight in front of the kids?”

I’m going to jump in with how we fight, or put another way, resolve disagreements and conflict in front of our children, if that’s where you find yourself. It is inevitable that you and your spouse will have a disagreement in front of your kids. How you handle these disagreements can have a great impact on them. 

If you choose to work through conflict with your spouse in front of your kids, here are a few tips:

1. Respect, Respect, Respect. 

  1. There is never a time when it’s okay to disrespect one another’s thoughts, feelings or desires regardless of how emotional you get or how strongly you feel about a particular issue. 
  2. It’s even worse to disrespect one another in front of your children. 
  3. We disrespect when we belittle one another’s thoughts, are dismissive of each other’s emotions and devalue each other’s desires. 
  4. Respecting one another is more important than coming to the “right” solution. 
  5. Dr. Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School and New York Times best-selling author states that, “When parents disagree thoughtfully and respectfully, that sets a standard for kids to learn to do the same thing.” 
  6. Your children are learning how to treat other people they disagree with based on what you show them.

If you realize you have disrespected your spouse, it’s important that you not only apologize to your spouse, but that you also talk with your children about it. They must understand that disrespect is not acceptable.

2. “I,” not “You.”

I could’ve said to my wife, “You don’t know how much money is in the bank.” But I could have also said, “You care more about him having fun than about us being responsible.” In that instance, I’ve attacked her and assumed what she knows or cares about. Dr. John Gottman, marriage therapist and researcher says, “When you start sentences with ‘I’ you are less likely to seem (or be!) critical, immediately putting your partner into a defensive position.” Instead of starting with “You,” I can say, “I’m concerned that paying for this trip may not leave us enough money for other necessary and important things.” 

☆ Focusing on what you know, think, feel, and want as opposed to making statements about what you believe your spouse knows, thinks, feels, and wants leads to better communication and understanding during conflict.

3. Avoid statements like, “You always,” or, “You never.”

Statements like this make generalizations about a person’s character, placing the focus on them and putting them on the defensive while taking the focus away from the issue. 

4. Tone of Voice and Body Language Matter… a lot.

I encourage you to stop and watch kids talk and interact sometime. Many talk with their hands, give colorful facial expressions, their tone gets high when they’re excited and loud when they’re upset. This is the lens through which your child sees your body language and hears your tone of voice. Not to mention that research says 93% of communication is made with body language and tone of voice and only 7% are the actual spoken words. Avoid eye-rolling, sighing heavily like you’re disgusted, slumping your posture like you don’t care or rolling your neck like you have a bad attitude. Your children are reading each of the cues you’re sending.

5. Be clear to your children when it’s resolved.

Your child is processing what they see and hear. If they hear the conflict and are never privy to the solution, then you’ve left their imagination to wonder. Research by Dr. Rebecca Brock, assistant professor at University of Nebraska, indicates that unresolved marital tension can lead to children experiencing anxiety, depression, and distress. 

This may cause children to feel extremely insecure. 

If your child sees the two of you arguing, be sure they know and see that you’ve resolved the issue. Even if it’s just to say, “I know you heard us arguing earlier. I just want you to know that we figured it out and everything is good now.” The details of the solution may not be necessary to share. But the acknowledgment that the argument is not going to tear you apart helps bring closure for the child.

How Not To Fight

  • Never attack one another physically or emotionally. That’s domestic violence. 
  • Don’t manipulate, intimidate, or threaten your spouse. Threatening to walk out, leave the marriage, or do something that is hurtful or permanent can leave scars that wound for years.
  • Never put the kids in the middle of your argument. They should not be choosing sides or used as a pawn to help you win your argument.

What Not To Fight About In Front Of The Kids

There are some things that are simply a bad idea to argue about in front of the kids.

  • Sex
  • In-laws
  • Discipline

If you’re going to fight in front of the kids, then you should definitely make up in front of the kids. (No, not that kind of “make up.” Shame on you! 😳 ) A hug and a kiss in front of the kids is plenty. Verbally affirming your love, respect, and commitment for one another also sends the message that your commitment to one another is bigger than the disagreement. Arguing in front of your children can be damaging to them, especially when it’s not done in a healthy and productive manner. 

Model Healthy Conflict Resolution.

Studies show that your children can learn healthy conflict resolution skills when you model it for them. How you treat one another, including when you disagree, provides an example for how a couple communicates respect and acceptance. You’re also modeling how to effectively deal with your emotions and appreciate others emotions. These are all skills that will definitely be useful as your child engages in relationships throughout their life.

My son did get to go to Six Flags. After listening to me and his mother talk about our thoughts and feelings regarding the gift and adding up the cost, he had a greater appreciation for his gift. Did he know that I was not the one in support of the trip? Maybe, but I don’t think it bothered him as he, I, and his other friend rode the roller coasters. He also learned that his parents can disagree, both have strong opinions, and still love, respect, and remain committed to one another. 

★ What do you want your kids to learn when they see you fight?

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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How to Rebuild Trust in Marriage

While there are no guarantees, there are things you can do to try.

When trust is broken within a marriage, rebuilding it cannot automatically be assumed. Many times you can rebuild trust if both parties are willing to do the work necessary to restore it, though. David Horsager, author of The Trust Edge says, “(trust) is a confident belief in someone or something. It’s the confident belief in an entity to do what’s right and to deliver on what is promised and to be the same every time, whatever the circumstances.” Whether it’s due to infidelity, lies, withholding information, or betrayal, the ability to believe the offender will genuinely act in the best interest of the marriage is severely compromised.

🔎 While there are no guarantees the trust may be rebuilt, there are some things you can do to rebuild it. 

For The Person Who Has Broken The Trust:

Here are some principles which may help to restore your partner’s trust.

1. Listen without being defensive.

Broken trust is more than just the act that was committed. Your spouse has invested time, emotion, and their own vulnerability into believing something about you, but now they’re not sure who you are. Their image of you has been tarnished. There is uncertainty and even a fear that you will emotionally hurt or betray them if it means getting what you want. It’s not simply that you hid money, lied, or had an affair. It causes one to question their own choice to emotionally invest in the relationship. Don’t minimize or oversimplify the act. Lean in to listen. Ask questions to understand the pain as fully as possible. It may hurt to hear. You will probably want to defend yourself—don’t. 

Avoid statements like, “That wasn’t my intention.” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

2. Own your actions.

Don’t attempt to justify your actions. Be honest about what you said or did. Answer your spouse’s questions honestly. You can’t worry about trying to make it not look as bad as it may seem. 

Avoid statements like, “All I did was…” or “It wasn’t a big deal.” 

3. Accept the emotional impact on your spouse.

You cannot control how the betrayal impacts your spouse. You also cannot foresee the gravity of its impact. Betrayal affects people in different ways due to personality, experiences, relationship history, length of relationship, etc. It is painful to know that you have caused your spouse such anger, hurt, or sadness. Trying to lessen or minimize the pain caused is more about you not wanting the guilt and less about understanding the impact of rebuilding the trust. 

☆ The emotional impact is there. Respect it. Learn from it. 

Avoid statements like, “You’re taking this too seriously,” or “I didn’t think it would affect you this much.”

4. Give space for expressions of grief.

Being a safe space for your spouse to share their emotions is crucial if you want to rebuild trust. Your spouse needs the opportunity to find the words to communicate what they are thinking and feeling. (You may need to seek a qualified marriage counselor.) She may need to talk to friends. He may need to share his pain with you as he gains more and more understanding. This should never include abusive expressions. 

5. Apologize.

You may need to apologize more than once. You may apologize for the act itself because that’s all you understand initially. Some time later you may apologize for the real hurt it caused as you understand it or see it more.You may apologize for the way it has changed the relationship when you recognize the tension and difficulty your spouse has functioning within the marriage. Instead, be specific about what you are apologizing for. As much as you desire to be forgiven by your spouse, direct your energy toward expressing your remorse for what you’ve done. 🔎 There must be genuine remorse for the action and its effects. 

Avoid statements like, “I’ve already apologized. Isn’t that good enough?” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” 

6. Make necessary changes.

This may mean sharing passwords for social media, phones, or bank accounts. It may mean more communication about what’s happening at work. It may mean changing who you interact with and how (friends or co-workers). Being stubborn about making changes to decrease the likelihood of a repeat situation sends the message that you don’t understand the betrayal and insecurity that you’ve caused. Often, these changes can be talked through so that they are realistic changes. 

Avoid statements like, “I’ll just make sure I don’t do it again.” or “I just messed up this time. I’ve got it under control now.” 

7. Patience.

You can’t rush the process of rebuilding trust. You must respect the process. Understand that different people respond differently to betrayal. At times it may appear the relationship isn’t making any progress. Other times, it may seem as though the relationship is back to normal even though it really isn’t. Your spouse needs time to build an image of you that they can believe will genuinely try to act in the best interest of the relationship even when it’s difficult. You’re not entitled to being trusted again. Your spouse does not owe you their trust once it’s broken. With humility and compassion, take the time to earn it, and more importantly, to simply be trustworthy.

Avoid statements like, “Don’t you think it’s been long enough?” or “Are you going to hold this against me forever?”

For The Person Whose Trust Was Betrayed:

What can you do to trust again?

1. Understand the difference between forgiving versus forgetting.

Forgiveness does not mean to forget or to act like it never happened. You may never forget what was done, how it made you feel, and how it affected you or your relationship. Forgiveness focuses on letting go of your feelings so that they don’t control your future actions. It’s a process. You can be fully aware and not ever have forgotten the betrayal while at the same time you may have forgiven the offender by not treating them based on the emotions the act itself caused.

Just because you forgive does not mean that you have to trust your spouse again. Kristina Coop Gordon, co-author of Getting Past the Affair says, “Forgiveness is very freeing. Just because you forgive, it doesn’t necessarily mean immediate reconciliation.” Your spouse may prove to not be trustworthy. To trust them again, you will need to forgive them, but don’t think that just because you forgive them means you have to trust them just yet. (Check out this blog about the process of forgiving your spouse.)

2. Don’t withhold your feelings.

Hiding or suppressing your feelings can lead to a host of unhealthy and negative emotions. Taking time to identify and understand the myriad of emotions you’re experiencing is good for your mental health. Don’t underestimate the value of positive friends in giving you the space to express yourself emotionally. You may need a good cry, a good scream, a good journal entry, a good venting session, etc. (A professional counselor can help you recognize and deal with your emotions in a healthy way.)

3. Don’t allow yourself to be rushed.

When trust is broken, your image of the offender is completely changed. The process of rebuilding that image and believing that the offender will genuinely attempt to always act in the best interest of the relationship is different for everyone. Rushing the process can lead to resentment or feeling manipulated. And while it’s not helpful to drag a person along just because you have leverage or power, it’s also not helpful to be told by others that you should just let it go and go back to the way it was. 

4. Communicate.

I’d love to give you a fancy term here, but sometimes simple is best. Give your spouse feedback regarding what is helpful and what is not. As you’re understanding yourself better, share this with your spouse. Talk to one another about trust, commitment, and what you believe a healthy relationship looks like. 

5. Explore.

Do not take responsibility for someone’s else’s actions. At the same time, explore what (if anything) in the relationship may have led to the betrayal. There may be changes or improvements within the marriage that can improve relationship quality. 

★ Rebuilding trust takes a commitment from both people in the relationship. Betrayal does not have to end the relationship, but the relationship may be able to improve through time, communication and understanding. There are many relationships where betrayal proved to be a catalyst for the couple to address issues in their relationship, ultimately making them stronger.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Image from Unsplash.com

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4 Reasons Why Respect Matters In Marriage

Hint: It plays a critical part in a healthy marriage.

Respect matters in marriage. 

Maybe more than anything else. 

And I’m going to tell you why. 

Respect may best be defined as the way you show true appreciation for another person. Respect is an action, not just a feeling. It’s a declaration of value for someone. We demonstrate respect by how we behave toward another person. 

And it’s fairly easy to recognize when someone respects (or disrespects) another person. 

The show of respect is usually thought of as coming from a place of inferiority. Pictures come to mind of soldiers standing at attention when high-ranking officers enter the room, or of hard-working employees speaking highly of their boss. 

Respect in a healthy marriage is different, though. It’s a two-way street. Both parties in the relationship crave and deserve equal respect from the other, and rightly so. Respect is shown in marriage not because one person is more superior than the other, but because each person recognizes the value of the other. 

In marriage, mutual respect matters. 

But why? Why does mutual respect play such a critical part in a healthy marriage? 

Here are four reasons: 

  • Mutual respect eliminates the fear of being different. Let me explain. In your marriage, you and your partner each come to the relationship as individuals. You have your own personality traits, talents, quirks, past experiences, and interests. Showing mutual respect demonstrates an appreciation for each other—differences and all. Your respect toward your spouse gives value to the differences they bring to the relationship. When mutual respect is given, it opens up a vulnerability for each person to be who they are without the fear of being devalued or judged unfairly. 
  • Mutual respect upholds healthy boundaries in the relationship. Even the healthiest marriages reinforce proper boundaries. When you show respect—appreciation for your spouse, you recognize certain needs. For example, I’m the kind of person who really has to have some time alone each day just to recharge. My wife respects that (even though she doesn’t have the same need), and so she knows when to give me some space. It’s important to my wife that there’s no name-calling between us, even if it’s in jest (because often things can go too far or easily be misinterpreted). I try to respect that, even though playful name-calling was a part of my upbringing. Mutual respect gives strength to uphold these boundaries. 
  • Mutual respect compels you to “check your jersey” when you have disagreements. I love this phrase (which I borrowed from Kyle Benson, a blogger for The Gottman Institute). In the heat of a conflict, it can be easy to fall into the false notion that your spouse is working against you in this team effort called marriage. Respect doesn’t take away the chances that disagreements will happen; they will, even in the best of marriages. But when you practice mutual respect in marriage—and practice it often—you are more confident that, despite the conflict, you know you and your spouse are on the same team and working toward the same thing. You can see more clearly that you’re wearing the same jersey. 
  • Mutual respect strengthens the friendship between you and your spouse. Relationship researcher John Gottman says that long-term vitality and connection is grown through intentional friendship in your marriage. In other words, marriage is healthy when you and your spouse deepen your friendship. Because it shows appreciation and value for your partner, showing mutual respect provides the space for friendship to grow. Why? Because it takes the fear of vulnerability out of the equation. My wife is my best friend because it’s with her that I can be the most vulnerable. That can’t happen without mutual respect. 

★ But wait… there’s more! 

BONUS REASON why mutual respect matters in marriage!

  • Mutual respect needs to be modeled to children. If you and your spouse are parents, no doubt you want to raise them to be respectful adults. A child’s primary source for lessons on respect come from watching how their parents behave toward each other. My wife and I have two daughters, and I think it’s important for them to understand how husbands and wives should treat each other—with warmth, care and respect. Hopefully, they can see that in us. Mutual respect in a marriage is essential for teaching kids to be respectful. 

Mutual respect matters in your marriage.  🔎 Find the ways to appreciate your spouse—differences and all—and show that appreciation on a daily basis. Declare your spouse’s value in your actions. You’ll be better friends, better parents, and better teammates. 

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Image from Unsplash.com

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