How To Save A Marriage That Is Falling Apart

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this (marriage) much longer.” I said this statement at one point in my marriage when things felt like they were falling apart. And my wife of sixteen years has said it, too. I’ve also spoken with plenty of couples who have said things like this at some point in their marriage.

There are some commonalities research has shown can help save your marriage when it feels like it is falling apart.

Connect regularly with people who are happily married.

Notice I didn’t say perfectly married. Look for couples who are healthy. Invite them to coffee and dessert. Talk to them. Listen to them. Watch how they interact with each other. Pick their brains. Find people who will hold you accountable, not pick sides. People outside of your marriage often will see things about you that are difficult for you to see about yourselves. 

And disconnect from people who are not for your marriage.

People that will allow you to continually talk about what’s wrong with your spouse and constantly tell you that you’re better off without your spouse are not going to be helpful in saving your marriage.

Seek help.

There are experiences available for couples facing distress in their marriage. Some places offer classes; others have Intensive Experiences available (DivorceBusting.com, WinShape Intensives, Smalley Institute). First Things First also has free resources to use in the comfort of your own home. Additionally, you may want to find a good marriage counselor to help you walk through your issues. If there is one thing I have learned in my own marriage, it’s the longer you wait to ask for help, the harder it is to ask for help. Put your pride aside and ask for the help you need if you are currently struggling. 

Look at Your Perception of Your Marriage.

New research indicates that how you perceive the relationship and your partner’s commitment to it is the biggest predictor of the quality of your relationship. Think through what you perceive about your spouse and their commitment level. The research says that your perception accounts for nearly 50% of your relationship satisfaction. When we focus on the negative things our spouse does, we train our brain to see the negative. 

Communication.

Communication has always been the issue married couples say they struggle with the most. It can be frustrating when you feel like you’re never able to address and resolve the real issues because the two of you can’t figure out how to effectively express your thoughts, feelings, and desires. Since many of us marry someone with a different communication style, learning to speak, hear and be heard has proven to be less natural than we expected. I was married 7 years before I learned how to effectively communicate with my wife. It was a skill I had to learn. I had been repeating the same communication mistakes over and over. 

★ These 7 keys to communication really helped my marriage.

Don’t be afraid to lead the dance.

Yes, it takes two people to dance, but one to lead. Michele Weiner-Davis, marriage expert and author of Divorce Busting, tells couples, “If your spouse started paying more attention to you, making suggestions about trips you could go on, new hobbies you could do together, how would you be different in return?” Most say, “I would be nicer.” Then Weiner-Davis asks people to describe the ways in which they would be nicer and encourages them to start doing that immediately. So many spouses stand around waiting for the other person to just do something. If you want things to be different, don’t be afraid to make the first move.  

“Don’t wait for your partner to be more likable – you be more likable,” Weiner-Davis says. “Ask yourself in what ways have you pulled back from your relationship. Your partner’s distance might be the result of you pulling away, too.”  

Practice good self-care.

Taking care of yourself can improve your marriage. Be active by pursuing interests like gardening or biking. Read some good books and practice mindfulness. By paying attention to your mental health, your perspective will often improve.

Think about your daily interactions with your spouse.

Dr. John Gottman, researcher and marriage therapist recommends a 5:1 ratio of interactions – meaning for every negative interaction you have with your spouse, you need five positive interactions to balance that one negative interaction. Expressing affection, showing appreciation, and doing small acts of kindness are positive interactions which balance the negative ones. 

Talk to each other about your needs.

When we have needs and expectations that aren’t being met, resentment builds. Sometimes our partner is left to figure out the expectations because they are left unspoken. Sincere, honest communication about your needs and expectations takes the guesswork out of the marriage. And, it can shed light on expectations that just aren’t realistic at the moment.

Acknowledge what you can’t fix.

Dr. John Gottman’s research has uncovered that 69% of issues in relationships are unresolvable. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It just is. Some common differences include disciplining children, balance between home and work, and political views. Learning to communicate and manage these differences can provide opportunities for marital growth. Besides, who wants to be married to someone who is exactly like them in every way?

Forgiveness.

It has been said that lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself as well as your mate. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone hurtful actions; it does mean you have made an intentional decision to move on. 

Remember, you are on the same team.

At some point you began to feel like you are adversaries. Instead of attacking one another, attack the issues as two people working together on the same team. The outcome may really surprise you.

★ Saving a marriage that is falling apart is 100% possible. It will take courage, work and intentionality. Rebuilding trust, seeking to understand one another, and cultivating a culture of appreciation is a process accomplished through many small steps over time. 16 years into our marriage, we’d both tell you our feelings of despair early in the marriage were the catalyst for intentionally creating the marriage we want. 

And, we are still working on it today. 

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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What To Do When You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn

Try these tips for talking about it and making decisions together.

You’ve just found out your husband is watching porn. What do you feel? Disgust. Shock. Despair. Betrayal on par with infidelity. World-shattering confusion. Who is this man I’m married to? Heartbreak. Grief. Loneliness. Creeping insecurity about your attractiveness and your sex appeal. Why am I not enough? Is he thinking about pornographic images while we have sex? How is he looking at women? What is he looking at when we’re not together? Trust just went out the window.

These are just some of the things you might be struggling with right now. And you can’t be blamed for any of them.

In 2019 alone, people spent nearly 6 billion hours on Pornhub1, but all that matters to you is the porn your husband has been watching. What’s next?

WHAT DO YOU DO NOW THAT YOU HAVE DEFINITELY CAUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WATCHING PORN?

Educate yourself.

You don’t have to click very far to find people and/or therapists who believe that using porn is a safe way to burn off sexual energy or enhance sex. While it may not phase others, what matters is how YOU feel about it, what you and your husband may have agreed to regarding pornography, and what solid research says.

Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt says, “This behavior is wrong.” It’s healthy, changes us, and helps us become who we want to be. Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.” Shame makes us feel broken and unworthy of love. There’s a big difference.2 Separate your husband’s behavior from your husband as a person.

So, is compulsive pornography use only wrong because of the shame that surrounds it?

Societal or religious taboos don’t explain the shame game when it comes to compulsive pornography use. Study after study3 shows that shame may make porn use worse for the porn consumer, but it doesn’t explain it. Of course, your goal isn’t to make your husband feel shame. However, guilt is a healthy response to objectifying and dehumanizing people.

Is pornography a legit addiction?

The Addiction Center recognizes that this is a controversial topic but cites numerous studies to justify identifying porn as an addiction.

Arguing about whether pornography is addictive is a little bit like two bald men fighting over a comb. What can’t be disputed is that many wives feel humiliation, insecurity, low self-esteem and report lower relationship quality when their husband is watching porn.

Fake sex affects real sex. Period. Full stop.

A PsychCentral article reports: “…regular consumption of pornography more or less wears out your reward system.” And clinicians report seeing many more young adults who experience sexual dysfunction, performance issues, and satisfaction with a real person, but not with porn. 

Identify what you’re feeling.

Mentally recognize and name your emotions concerning your husband watching porn. For example, you may feel anger, rejection, betrayal, disgust, confusion, inadequacy, hurt, insecurity, etc. According to Dan Siegel, UCLA Professor of Psychiatry and executive director of Mindsight Institute, naming your emotions allows your brain to soothe and calm you down.5

Putting a name to what you’re feeling can help you communicate the pain his porn use is causing you.

Know what’s helpful to know.

Don’t spend lots of time searching for everything he’s been looking at. Keep it simple.

Knowing every site he visited and how many genres he watched will only increase your negative feelings. Your goal is to know enough to determine his willingness to be truthful.

Remember, he’s got the issue, not you. Even if there are other marital issues going on, he’s the one looking at pornography.

I know — easier said than done. Porn isn’t really about your guy wanting you to be someone different. When people start looking at porn, research shows they subconsciously begin to bond with the images they see onscreen.6,7 This causes the brain to crave more of what they are seeing. Eventually, it takes more intense visual stimulation to get the same satisfaction. That’s why porn can be as addictive (if not more addictive) as heroin and gambling.

What’s the goal of talking?

What do you want the goal of the conversation to be? This is bigger than getting him to stop looking at pornography. It’s about him, you, and your marriage. You want to understand what he’s willing to do to overcome this issue and how you can help.

Note: Researching information on sites like Fight the New Drug can help you become informed. It may also be comforting to know you are not alone. 

READY FOR THE TALK:

Ask him about it.

Communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% the actual spoken words.8 So, for example, your demeanor and tone can say, “I’m attacking you because I can’t believe how disgusting you are,” or “I’m really hurt by this, but I want us to get through it.”

He might lie.

I wish there was a foolproof way to eliminate any possibility of him lying. People respond differently. He may even deny, minimize, or accuse you of being something you’re not.

Jay Stringer, researcher and licensed therapist, warns about the potential of hiding. Hiding happens when the user redirects the conversation when confronted or chooses to be vague about what they’re doing. He may go into self-protection mode. He may be super embarrassed he has been found out. Be mentally prepared. You can’t make a person tell the truth. But, you can create an environment for honesty and hope the other person will be truthful. 

If he lies or hides, talk about your desire to work through this as a team. Remind him that you’re not going to stop loving him simply because he got caught up in pornography. Porn is more likely to destroy your marriage if you don’t address it together.  

If he’s willing to talk about it, ask questions.

Get him talking. This may be the first time he has actually verbalized his thoughts about it. Ask him: How long? Have you told anyone else? Have you tried to stop? What started it? These are questions that may get him thinking and talking. You don’t need all the details about everything he’s seen. You need an acknowledgment that he’s been looking at porn and that he wants to stop.

Communicate your thoughts and emotions.

He needs to hear your heart and understand your feelings. With many husbands, sincerely expressing your thoughts and feelings is more effective than yelling and screaming. Clearly and directly, share any insecurity, betrayal, or violation you’re feeling. Don’t share through the voice of anger; instead, speak through the voice of the actual emotion itself. This gives a clearer picture of the damage this is causing you and your marriage.

Listen to understand without justifying.

Studies show that anywhere from 50-90% of husbands watch porn. It’s safe to say many of us don’t really want to. And many have tried to stop unsuccessfully. Most people don’t understand what they’re up against when they look at porn for the first time. Having said that, he’s not a victim. He’s a fighter, which leads us to…

Discuss and set boundaries and limits.

He has to be willing to discuss and even initiate the setting of boundaries. He will not overcome a compulsion to look at pornography because you want him to. It has to be because he wants to. You can be strong alongside him and hold him accountable. This may include: accountability partners, learning about the dangers of pornography, sharing passwords, and regular check-ins.

★ IF YOU TRY TO DO THE WORK FOR HIM, IT WON’T WORK.

Express love.

Time and time again, I hear men say, “My wife kept saying, I love you. We’re a team. We’ll get through this.” They express how it meant the world to hear this. You’re encouraging your man to be a fighter and you’re telling him that you love a fighter, you’ll stick with a fighter, you’ll help a fighter to train, you’ll help a fighter beat the enemy. You’re also saying that you recognize that a fighter may get punched in the face. He may slip again. Every fighter gets hit. But one hit, one slip, doesn’t mean you’ve lost. You’ve lost when you stop fighting.

Patience.

Pornography addictions are different because the brain isn’t trying to rid itself of a chemical dependency. It may take time for your husband to stop looking at porn even if he’s trying. It takes time to heal and rebuild trust. Overcoming pornography requires commitment from both of you. During the process, set some goals like “3 days of no porn” or “2 consecutive weeks of talking to an accountability partner.” Celebrate the goals when you reach them.

WHAT IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT TO STOP WATCHING PORN?

Some husbands don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching pornography. Drs. John and Julie Gottman outline how porn use can lead to reduced relationship satisfaction. Share how it makes you feel that he’s watching other people do the intimate things the two of you do to emotionally and physically connect. Talk to a trusted couple. Consider seeking professional help.

As a couple, you must talk and decide the role you’ll allow pornography to play in your marriage. Studies show its negative effects within committed relationships. If you can both agree that you won’t give pornography a place in your marriage, then you can work together to keep it out.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Image from Unsplash.com

SOURCES

1Pornhub’s annual report: Can you guess the most popular porn categories in 2019? (2019). https://fightthenewdrug.org/2019-pornhub-annual-report/ 

2Gilliland, R., et al. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2011.551182 

3Reid, Stein, et al. (2011). Understanding the roles of shame and neuroticism in a patient sample of hypersexual men. https://doi.org/10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182125b96 

4Voon, Mole, et al. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0102419 

5Siegel. (2010). Mindsight : the new science of personal transformation. Bantam Books.

6Rizzolatti, G. et al. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.neuro.27.070203.144230 

7Hilton, D. (2013). Pornography addiction – a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767 

8​​Evans, V. (2020). How does communication work? Part 2: The function of verbal vs. non-verbal cues in face-to-face interaction. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/language-in-the-mind/202001/how-does-communication-work-0

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How To Build Empathy In Marriage

These 5 steps can get you started in no time.

Have you ever whipped up your favorite batch of homemade cookies to find out in the first bite that you left out that one key ingredient that makes all the difference? Empathy is that key ingredient to a great recipe for a healthy marriage that you don’t want to forget. 

A large body of research tells us the practice of empathy is essential to a thriving, happy, healthy marriage. However, many people reduce the idea of empathy to it being just “touchy-feely” or something that some people are born having, but others not so much. 

What exactly is empathy, and can you have it for your spouse if you’ve never experienced what they have experienced? 

There are many definitions out there for empathy; some have described it as the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I like the definition that U.C. Berkeley researchers Levenson and Ruef give: empathy is the ability to detect accurately the emotional information being transmitted by another person. The keywords here (in my humble opinion) are detect accurately. The goal of empathy in marriage is to understand as closely as possible what is going on in your spouse’s mind and heart at the moment. And keep in mind this is a skill that you can learn, not an inherent trait that you’re born with. 

But real marital empathy doesn’t stop with simply understanding. Empathy is an action. We find this reflected in an explanation of empathy given by Dr. Paul Ekman, who separates empathy into three parts. Cognitive empathy is what we just talked about; it allows us to imagine how someone is feeling and say Wow, that must be really tough.

Emotional empathy goes a little further to allow ourselves to actually feel what our spouse is feeling (even though we don’t have the same experiences).  It’s the same mental processes at work as when you shed tears watching a romcom or feel sadness when you witness someone who’s down and out. The thing is, you can control whether you attempt to feel what the other person is feeling. Which is good news for spouses (like you) who want to build more empathy in their marriage. 

But the third part of Ekman’s empathy triad is compassionate empathy. It balances the first two parts so that we can take empathetic action. This empathy triad, according to Ekman, keeps the whole person in mind, making empathy a work of both mind, heart, and behavior.

So here’s what this may look like in marriage. Your spouse comes home from a stressful day at work to find the kids still haven’t taken care of the dirty dishes in their rooms that they were told a thousand times to put in the dishwasher. You listen to them and try to non-judgmentally understand how they’re feeling (even though the thought of lingering dirty dishes doesn’t particularly bother you). You allow yourself to feel at least a little bit of the frustration they feel. And out of compassionate empathy, you extend a hug, thank them for all the hard work they do. Then you go upstairs to goad the ankle-biters into gathering up the fungus-laden dishes so your spouse doesn’t have to for the 1,001st time. 

Considering this trilogy-approach to empathy, how do you build empathy in your marriage? Here are some steps for couples to take: 

  • Listen. Not to judge. Not to fix. And not even to retort. Listen simply to grasp what your spouse is feeling with as much accuracy as possible. Listen closely to your spouse to understand their feelings in the same way you’d listen to a teacher to understand how to do calculus. 
  • Validate. You may listen and think, Gee, I’d never get so riled up (or excited, or sad) over this. Avoid judging your spouse’s feelings based on how you would respond in the same situation. Instead, acknowledge to yourself that these are their feelings (and not yours). Respond verbally to your spouse with legitimizing replies like, “Wow, that must be frustrating,” or “I can see how you’d be excited about that.”
  • Share. Namely, your spouse’s emotional response. This may take some conscious effort on your part, especially if they are emotionally responsive to a situation in a way you wouldn’t. Truly put yourself in their shoes. See the world from their eyes. Allow yourself to experience any part of the anger, frustration, excitement, happiness, or whatever feeling they are expressing to you. (Even for the most stoic person, the more you put this into practice, the easier it becomes over time.) 
  • Act. Take what you’ve come to understand from the previous steps and respond in compassion. When you come to understand accurately the mind and heart of your spouse in a given situation, it’s easier to be in tune with what they need at that moment. Keep in mind that this very well may not be the time to “fix” their problem. A helpful trick I’ve learned is to ask my spouse, “Is this a time you want me to listen and help you figure out a solution, or would it be more helpful to listen and simply try to understand?” More often than not, she simply needs an empathetic ear and a compassionate response. 
  • Practice vulnerability. Here’s the thing: empathy begets empathy. What I mean is, it’s a two-way street. Empathy is best built when both people in the marriage open up about situations, feelings, and thoughts they simply want the other to better understand. That’s the beauty of it: the practice of empathy helps you to know that you can open up to your spouse and they’ll be non-judgmental and supportive. And they can be open with you and you’ll respond in the same way. Trust is reinforced. The marriage is strengthened. And all because empathy is that one ingredient that makes the difference in the recipe. 

Empathy is an all-important ingredient for a healthy marriage, but building it takes time. Empathy grows with momentum, especially if it hasn’t been expressed very much previously. However, you might find that if you pay close attention to the above steps, it doesn’t take long for the momentum to get rolling pretty quickly. 

Read other blogs to learn more about empathy here:

What to Do When Your Spouse Lacks Empathy

3 Ways Empathy Can Strengthen Your Marriage

How to Stop Resentment

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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Can A Marriage Survive Without Intimacy?

There are a lot of answers to questions I don’t want to find out: How long can my car run without an oil change? Would anyone notice if I walked out of the house wearing a crop-top? 

And if you were to ask me, “Can a marriage survive without intimacy?” I’d tell you I wouldn’t want to find out. But then I’d ask, “Is that really what you mean?” 

Because there’s a big difference between surviving and thriving. I can survive wearing a crop-top out in public, but I sure as heck wouldn’t thrive (at least how I picture myself thriving). 

Do you want a surviving marriage or a thriving marriage?

Show me a thriving marriage, and I can’t help but show you a marriage chock full of intimacy. 

People sometimes mean different things when they say intimacy. Some refer to emotional intimacy, that affectionate, emotional connection with your spouse. 

Others take intimacy to mean, well, sex. 

And both would be right. If you do some research, you will find that these are two sides of the same coin and that emotional connection and sexual connection are inextricably linked. The quality of one has an effect on the quality of the other. 

Here’s what I mean: Jack thinks there’s a lack of physical intimacy in his marriage to Jill; sex has become mundane and much less frequent. Jill’s not too bothered by this, but believes that there’s a lack of emotional intimacy; they just don’t communicate and connect on a deep level. Jack doesn’t know much about that; he’s just hoping tonight might finally be the night. 

What Jack and Jill might want to know is that neither physical nor emotional intimacy just happens. You have to work at both with intention and gusto. 

And when Jack and Jill take the time to connect on an emotional level, their sex life can experience an uptick. Conversely, putting some more effort into their sexual relationship can easily deepen the level and bolster the volume of their emotional connection.

I like to think of it like this: building up intimacy in your marriage is like pedaling a bicycle. One pedal is emotional intimacy and the other is physical intimacy. Pushing one pedal forward brings the other around ready to be pushed. Repeat the cycle (see what I did there?) and you quickly gain momentum and acceleration. 

And there are two things I know about pedaling a bicycle: it takes work, but the more you gain momentum, the easier it becomes to push the pedals. The same goes for emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage. 

So how do you push those pedals to build intimacy in your marriage so that it will thrive? 

Make small connections throughout the day.

Key times are when you wake in the morning, before you leave for the day, when you come back together at the end of the day, and before you go to bed. Connect by bringing a cup of coffee in the morning, a goodbye hug, a hello kiss, asking, “How was your day?” Leaving love notes, or watching a funny show before bed. You choose your rhythm and kind of connection. Small things count big with intimacy. 

Carve out time to spend with your spouse.

Shoot for one date-time a week, even if it’s at home with microwaved pizza watching a RomCom. Establish some basic rules: no cell phones, no talking family business, no kids in the same room (or floor, or house). Just be with each other. 

Plan sex.

Have a Sex Schedule. Yes, you read that right. Plan the nights you’re going to have sex. This has worked wonders in my marriage. Scheduled sex helps my wife (who needs to warm up to the idea of sex sometimes) to anticipate it ahead of time. And it helps me (who needs no warming up whatsoever) to avoid wondering when the next time will be and to initiate with the confidence that I won’t be met with rejection. (A couple of caveats to scheduled sex: our rules are that either of us can call an audible and ask for a raincheck for any reason. And, unscheduled, spontaneous sex is certainly never off the table!) 

Dedicate to communicate daily.

Talk, talk, talk. Try to go beyond casual conversation and go deeper with personal insights, feelings, dreams, and needs. Much of our communication is like a small business meeting: Did you pay the water bill? Are you driving Little Man to practice? Google “Questions that build intimacy” and have some pillow talk.  Listen twice as much as you speak. Learn more about active listening here.

Can a marriage survive without intimacy? The truth is, yes it can, BUT it doesn’t have to. Even if you find yourself in a hard place right now where your marriage feels empty and neglected, you can commit yourself to do something different. Push one pedal and then the other. I repeat: it takes work and some time. Sometimes, one spouse in the relationship has to do the bulk of the pedaling before the other catches on. But it’s worth it. Plenty of couples have been where you are, changed up the dance, and would wholeheartedly tell you it’s worth the energy and effort to have a happy, healthy, intimate, thriving marriage. 

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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10 Signs Your Relationship is Less Likely to Fail

A New York Post article has couples asking, “Will my relationship fail?” Even if you haven’t read this article, you should know the study talks about 10 signs that your relationship is less likely to fail.

Using artificial intelligence, researchers Samatha Joel and Paul Eastwick looked at the habits of 11,196 couples to try and predict relationship satisfaction and success. 

Perception is Everything!

The study found that relationship satisfaction and success is more about each person’s perception of the relationship and less about choosing the “perfect” person for you. In other words, Eastwick says, “‘Who I am’ doesn’t really matter once I know ‘who I am when I am with you.’” 

The biggest sign that each partner was content in the relationship was how they perceived their partner’s commitment to them.

The other four most important relationship characteristics were:

  • Appreciation. Does each partner show gratitude and thankfulness?
  • Sexual Satisfaction. This is a sign of connection, emotionally, physically, and mentally. 
  • Perceived partner satisfaction. Are both people feeling heard, known, understood, and cared for?
  • Conflict. How does the couple deal with and solve their disagreements?

The top five individual characteristics for relationship quality were:

  • Life satisfaction. How each individual feels about the quality of their own life, including work, family, social, meaning, purpose, etc. 
  • Negative affect. Constantly seeing your relationship and your experiences through a negative lens. 
  • Depression. Experiencing strong feelings of sadness and hopelessness. These things often cause noticeable problems in relationships.
  • Attachment avoidance. Consistently trying to avoid emotional connection.
  • Attachment anxiety. Becoming really dependent on your partner to fulfill your emotional needs.

For couples wondering if their relationship is likely to fail, this study could be a game changer.

In the end, relationship satisfaction is about how you do relationships together and view each other.

Scott Stanley, research co-author, encourages couples not to spend a lot of time wishing their partner was different when it comes to personality or education or political views. Instead, focus on what you can do to make the dynamic between the two of you as good as it can be.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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3 Ways Empathy Can Strengthen Your Marriage

Do you find it hard to see things from your spouse’s perspective?

Do you think your spouse should see things exactly the way you do?

Is it easier for you to try to fix things for your spouse rather than listen to them? 

If this is true about you or your spouse, you may have a lack of empathy. Situations where you fail to empathize with your spouse can lead to misunderstandings and disconnection. To truly understand empathy, we must define it. Brené Brown defines empathy as “feeling with people.” In its simplest form, empathy means to care as much about your spouse’s likes, dislikes, interests, issues, dreams, goals, and problems, as you care about your own. 

It can become difficult in marriage when you recognize that your spouse is so very different from you. According to psychotherapist Cindy Sigal, AMFT,  “Empathy bridges the divide between being separate individuals with different backgrounds, feelings, and perspectives.”

How do we build and/or maintain the bridge of empathy between spouses?

1. Listen, Listen, Listen

The greatest need your spouse has is to be seen, heard, valued, and understood by you. This begins with listening to understand them—not to fix a problem. Additionally, give your spouse your full attention within the conversation. Asking questions allows you to become a “compassionate detective” of your spouse. Resist the urge to tell them what to do or how to fix the issue. In doing so, you validate your spouse’s feelings and capacity to solve the problem while utilizing empathy to fuel your connection.

2. It’s Not About YOU

The key to empathy is seeing things from your spouse’s perspective—literally, putting your feet in their shoes. Think about: What do they like to do? How did they grow up? What brings them happiness and what causes them to get upset? What is their favorite activity, food, etc.? How would they see this situation? Practice putting aside your views and thoughts to focus on those of your spouse. 

3. Respect Your Spouse’s Differences

At the beginning of your marriage, you may have thought, “It’s so GREAT how different we are.” Now reality has set in and you’re probably thinking, “OMG, WE ARE different.” YES, you are. However, there is strength in your differences. Having different views can give you the opportunity to see the picture/issue from a variety of ways. Allowing each spouse their own perspective provides opportunity for out-of-the-box decision-making as well as increasing mutual respect. 

Empathy so often is considered to be the “secret sauce” in relationships. It encourages us to see past ourselves and take our spouse into consideration. It bonds couples together. Building your capacity for empathy builds your relationship.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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My Spouse Is Putting Me Down. (How Do I Get Them to Stop?)

There are not many feelings worse than when someone puts you down, insults you, or invalidates you. And a put-down from your own spouse is like a straight-up punch to the psyche. It’s amazing how easy it is to hurt the ones we love the most with our words, but what do you do if you are the one on the receiving end of the verbal blows? 

This issue has a certain level of complexity to it, which means we have to approach it with care. Many spouses deliver verbal shots and put-downs to their spouse, unaware of the harm it’s doing. This is Situation A. 

Others are well aware and intentional with the harm. This is Situation B, and this is abuse.  

Let me be clear about Situation B right off the bat: If you are experiencing an abusive situation where someone is physically harming you, you need to seek help. Use the hotline number at the bottom of this article. 

You also need to understand that certain situations of verbal/emotional put-downs may be verbal abuse, and often accompany (or are a precursor to) physical abuse. (See the Power and Control Wheel below.)

Healthline gives some red flags to the characteristics of verbal abuse: 

  • They insult you or attempt to humiliate you, but then they accuse you of being overly-sensitive. 
  • They yell or scream at you frequently. 
  • The person plays the victim while they try to make you feel guilty. (“I wouldn’t have to scream at you if you didn’t…”)
  • They get in your personal space as an act of intimidation or try to block you from moving away.
  • They gaslight you—this means they manipulate you into questioning your own version of events in order to gain more power. For example, they may convince you to doubt your memory of them saying or doing something violent or try to convince you you’re crazy.
  • They hit the wall or throw things.  
  • They want credit for not having hit you. 

Sincerely ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do I believe my spouse is putting me down with the intention to harm me, wear me down, or manipulate me?
  • Do I think there is a possibility the verbal attacks could lead to physical violence?
  • If I were to voice my concerns for how they talk to me, is there any fear that they would react with a heated backlash? 

Unless you can answer each of these questions with a confident no, these are strong indicators of verbal/emotional abuse and warning signals for possible physical abuse. Do not confront your spouse. Go somewhere safe and seek help. 

Let’s talk about Situation A.

Your spouse puts you down but they are unaware of how it’s making you feel. They are being careless with the words they use toward you—perhaps in front of the kids. But despite the unintentionality of what they say, you still feel devalued. It’s time to let them know how you feel. 

  • Approach your spouse to talk at a strategic time. Ask them if this is a good time to talk. And if it’s not, arrange a time, preferably within the next 24 hours. Don’t bring up your feelings right after they say something hateful; your emotions will be dialed up, and you want to be calm and able to think clearly when you talk. Choose a time when neither of you are tired or in a bad mood. 
  • Start on a good note. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman suggests opening difficult conversations with a positive. Begin the conversation with something you appreciate about your spouse. Say something like, “I know that you love me and the kids and that you’d do anything for your family.” Or, “I appreciate how hard you work to provide and take care of us.” 
  • Be specific about what you hear and how you feel. Make good use of “I” messages. For instance, “There have been many times when I’ve felt really undervalued and unloved when you’ve said certain things to me.” Name your feelings—beforehand, jot down some specific words that describe how it feels when your spouse puts you down. If it happens in front of your kids or other people, point out that it feels embarrassing or shameful. Err on the assumption that your spouse has been unaware of how they’ve made you feel. You may have to give them an example of what they’ve said. Describe the last incident and the effect it had on you. Avoid giving a laundry list of all the past wrongs they’ve done to you, though. 
  • Use a code word or sign. The point of addressing this with your spouse is help them be aware that they are putting you down and the negative effect it has on your feelings. Establishing some kind of code word or a non-verbal signal can subtly express to them, “You’re being degrading and ridiculing right now, and you need to dial it down.” This is especially helpful in front of the kids or in social situations. For instance, whenever you respond with “Oh, honey…” or you nonchalantly touch your earlobe, you can discreetly and calmly express to your spouse how they’re making you feel at the moment. 
  • Set boundaries. Let your spouse know that if they continue to ignore warning signs and keep putting you down, you’ll simply leave the room when they say something disparaging. Don’t threaten your spouse with divorce or the withdrawal of sex (although you probably won’t exactly feel “in the mood” after being put down). You set up boundaries to protect yourself, not punish others. 
  • Check your own thoughts and words. I mention this last step with a great deal of care, and I encourage you to approach it with humility and thoughtfulness. I have talked with many individuals who have felt insulted by others close to them; however, sometimes there was something within their own personality that colored the situation. Many were highly sensitive to remarks that weren’t overtly insulting, but they heard them through the filter of past negative experiences. 

For instance, one person interpreted an invitation to exercise together as an affront to their weight, an issue to which they felt particularly sensitive. Others that I’ve talked to were offended by another’s insults, but had no problem being equally insulting toward that person. Part of the process of working through this is to consider what may be going on inside you that could exacerbate these feelings. Ask yourself: Are the words I hear from my spouse truly insensitive put-downs, or is there something inside me that makes me overly-sensitive to their words? And, are there ways that I put my spouse down without me noticing it? 

Marriage cannot thrive in an environment of disrespect and insults. And no one deserves to be put down by their spouse. The above steps are a process that may take time before you see real change. There’s a chance that other things are going on under the surface of insults and put-downs being hurled your direction. If these problems persist after taking the above steps, ask your spouse to seek help with you through couples counseling. If they resist, seek professional help on your own. ☆ Sometimes it takes one person in the marriage to lead the charge toward getting help and improving the relationship before the other catches on. 

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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How to Talk with Your Child about Why Parents Fight

“Why are you fighting?” That’s the question one little girl posed to her parents at the dinner table as they were in the midst of a heated discussion about what needed to happen after dinner. How do you talk with your children about why parents fight? 

It’s pretty much a given that parents will get sideways with each other in front of the kids. Sometimes it’s about something ridiculous and other times it’s something of a more adult nature. Here’s the thing: whether it is something small or something that really matters, how you fight impacts your children. Children do not like conflict. 

Witnessing your parents have an argument can be very scary and unsettling for children of any age. Here are some tips for talking with your children about why parents fight.

  • Check your own emotional temperature. It’s very important to be emotionally-aware for yourself and for your child. Before you talk with your child about the reasons parents might fight, you’ll probably want to make sure you’re emotionally ready for it. For instance, right after a fight might not be the best time to have the discussion. When you take the time to cool down before approaching your child, you are practicing emotional regulation, which is a very important skill for both you and your child. When you talk with your child, be specific about the emotions they might be feeling right now. They could be experiencing fear, sadness or worry, among other things. Helping them to put names to what they are feeling will help build their emotional intelligence. It also helps them learn how to process through an experience.  
  • Keep it age appropriate. Everyone experiences conflict from time to time. Remind them about the time they didn’t want to share their toy with their sibling or when they were angry with one of you for not letting them do something. That’s a disagreement, too. Sometimes parents fight when they have different opinions about things, they are upset about something from work or they are tired, have a lot going on, or aren’t feeling well. Help them see that healthy disagreements are normal in families.
  • Discuss feelings and tone of voice. There are times when parents argue that their tone of voice sounds mean, angry and loud. These moments can be very stressful for children. Literally, researchers have measured cortisol (the stress hormone) in children’s bodies and have found that even infants respond to their parents’ fighting. This could be a time when you apologize for the way you expressed your emotions and use it as a teachable moment to talk about how what we say and do when we are angry or upset with each other impacts everyone in the family. We all make mistakes. The goal is to learn how to do things differently the next time you have a disagreement.
  • Reassure your child that you love them and that your desire is to work things out. If possible, let them see you resolve the issue together. If you are fighting about an ongoing issue that is creating significant angst in your marriage, be careful what you share with your children as you do not want to say things that are untrue or will paint your spouse in a bad light. You might tell them that you are asking for help to solve your problem if you cannot resolve it on your own.

Fighting scares children. As a parent, helping them to see that disagreements are part of being in a relationship and letting them know that just because parents are fighting, it doesn’t mean they are going to get divorced can help settle their anxiety. Teaching and modeling what healthy conflict looks like decreases drama in your home. It also prepares children for healthy relationships in the future.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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