5 Things Every Couple Should Know Before They Move In Together
Living together is pretty common these days. For many, living together is a natural progression in the evolution of their relationship, which may or may not lead to marriage. But it has its own set of complications, and there are things every couple should know before they move in together. I’m not trying to convince or dissuade you. Instead, I want to give you food for thought so you can make healthy decisions for your life.
This blog is for you if:
1. You are not seriously dating.
2. You’re seriously dating and thinking about moving in together.
3. You live together but recognize there are more things you need to discuss.
No matter your relationship status, talking about significant issues can create the healthiest connections.
Here are some questions to ask:
- What’s my long-term plan? Our long-term plan?
- What’s my level of commitment? My partner’s commitment level?
Here are FIVE essential topics every couple should know about and consider before they move in together.
1. Your reason: Why should we live together?
Be honest with yourselves and each other. Is it about:
- Money?
- Moving out of your parents’ house or away from that annoying roommate?
- The next step toward marriage?
Continuing blindly down this path can lead to disappointment. Additionally, you should know your partner’s reason for living together. A Pew Research study offers many couples’ reasons, which include:
- Love
- Companionship
- Convenience
- Natural next step
- Learn more about each other
- Want to test the relationship
Share your reasons. It’s natural to be hesitant about having this conversation, but there’s no such thing as a risk-free relationship. Talking about it allows you both to be vulnerable and transparent.
2. Your expectations: What will you (or won’t you) share?
Now that you’ve shared your reasons, communicate your expectations with your partner. Assuming things can damage your relationship, especially if you think you agree, but you don’t. Your expectations should be realistic. If you have different expectations, you each may have to compromise. Now’s the time to get down to the nitty-gritty.
Discuss things like:
- Who’s cooking and/or cleaning?
- Who will shop and/or do the laundry?
- Who does the yard?
- Are we having meals together every night?
- What are your long-term expectations (house, marriage, kids)?
Talking about this isn’t sexy, but it’ll help your relationship in the long run.
3. Your finances: What’ll it cost you?
Many couples think living together is cheaper than living apart. This may or may not be true, but they often don’t communicate about finances.
Talk about:
- Who will move in where?
- How much will we pay for rent?
- Will we get a new place? Will we both be on the lease?
- Who pays for what (groceries, car payment, car insurance, rent, cable, electricity, water, internet, phone, etc.)?
- What’s our personal debt (credit card, student loan, etc.)?
- What will it cost you if you break up? (You may want to talk about a cohabitation agreement. )
(psssst… Want a fun, lighthearted way to start the conversation? Check out this Financial Would You Rather from Annuity.org!)
4. Your habits: How will they impact your relationship?
When living together, you become well acquainted with the habits and behaviors of your partner in a whole new way. Knowing that they exercise at 4:00 AM is one thing. Experiencing them exercising at 4:00 AM is something totally different.
Discuss:
- Are they a night owl or an early bird? Neat or messy?
- Are they an exercise, sports, home improvement, or cooking fanatic?
- How do they handle stress? Express emotions?
- What’s their work life like? Working remotely, hybrid, or in the office?
- Do they bring work home every night?
5. Your other relationships: How will you interact with your village?
While focusing on each other and excluding friends and family may be tempting, living together won’t mean you’re on an island. You each have friends and family in your lives that matter; they support and challenge you to be better versions of yourselves. Nurturing those relationships can benefit your growth as an individual and as a couple.
Living together is not something to do without some considerations.
Remember to think about:
- What do I want out of this relationship?
- What’s the end goal?
- Do I want to get married?
- Do I want to have children who are healthy and stable?
However you answer these questions, you’ll want to find out if living together will help you accomplish what you desire or if it will hinder you. It’s up to you to decide.
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Is Overthinking Killing Your Relationships?
I hit the road every Saturday morning. Usually, I’m gone for an hour or two. Saturday is my long run day. The time commitment of training for a half marathon is significant. As I walk out the door, my little ones are wide awake and active. They hit me with the questions… “Where are you going, Dad?” “When will you be back?” “Why will you be gone for so long?” “Can you stay with us?”
Up to a few months ago, I felt guilty for leaving them. I felt like I was being selfish. I questioned if I was neglecting my wife and kids to do something I wanted to do, which took so much time and energy. This was me overthinking, being flooded with negative self-talk. They didn’t tell me I was being selfish. They were my biggest cheerleaders. But my overthinking was affecting reality.
Have you been there? Are you an overthinker, too?
What is overthinking?
In his latest book, Soundtracks: The Surprising Solution to Overthinking, Jon Acuff offers us a simple definition of overthinking. He says, “Overthinking is when what you think gets in the way of what you want.”
When I think I’m neglecting my family to go on long runs one day a week, I’m listening to negative self-talk. Acuff calls these soundtracks. They are symptoms of overthinking that get you nowhere. We are just wasting resources on dead-end thoughts. He refers to overthinking as “the greatest thief of all. It steals time, creativity, productivity, hope.”
We can all be subject to overthinking as a spouse, a parent, a boss, an employee, or a friend. In any scenario, overthinking can be detrimental to furthering our relationships.
So, how do I stop overthinking?
Jon Acuff suggests we retire our broken soundtracks, replace them with new ones, and then repeat the new ones so often that they become the predominant thoughts you hear. The soundtracks we listen to are associated with an action. A broken soundtrack leads to inaction. It doesn’t take us anywhere, and doesn’t motivate us to push toward our goals.
Let me give you a real-life example. Training for a half-marathon takes anywhere from 4-6 hours a week for 12-18 weeks. This is time I would normally spend with my family. My negative self-talk led me to believe I was neglecting them and that I needed to spend that time with them, having fun. This made my training difficult because I felt guilty. That’s my broken soundtrack—all in my head.
My wife told me, “We are so proud of you. You are setting goals and doing what you love.” She helped me see that even though I was giving up some family time, I showed my kids what it looks like to set goals and take steps to achieve them. And there’s a bonus: they’re getting some weekend trips to races that they are super excited about.
I retired my broken soundtrack, replaced it with a new one, and it’s playing on repeat.
To stop overthinking, we have to identify a broken soundtrack. But, how do we do that?
Jon Acuff gives us a simple way to figure it out. Write down something you want to do. Doesn’t have to be anything significant. Maybe it’s, “I want to have a weekly date night.” Then, listen to the first thought you have. What is your first reaction? If you immediately start saying, We don’t have the money, we don’t have the time, or we can’t afford a babysitter, you’re overthinking.
Congrats, you just found a broken soundtrack. Now ask three simple questions about that thought:
- Is it true?
- Is it helpful? (Does it move me forward or hold me back?)
- Is it kind?
You don’t have to ask these questions about every thought, but ask about the big ones. Question the thoughts that seem to be holding you back the most. You might be surprised at how many broken soundtracks are playing in your mind.
Overthinking doesn’t have to kill your relationships. If you are an overthinker, evaluate those thoughts. Identify if they are true, helpful, or kind. And if those thoughts are hurting your relationships, it’s time to release, reshape and repeat new ones. You can choose what you think. Tell yourself, “I have the permission and the ability to choose what I think during the day to lead me to action I will take.”
Other helpful blogs:
Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
How Couples Can Help Each Other De-Stress and Improve Their Relationship
The Difference Between Sacrifice and Compromise in a Relationship
We throw the words compromise and sacrifice around quite a bit in relationships. But what exactly do they mean? And don’t they mean the same thing?
Well, the short answer is, not exactly. It’s complicated, kind of like relationships are sometimes. Read on to see what I mean.
Both sacrifice and compromise require someone to lose or give something up, but in two very different ways.
Compromise involves people meeting in the middle to solve a problem. Each person gives in a little… or a lot. Here’s a simple example: one person wants to meet for coffee at 11:00, while the other prefers 11:30. They meet in the middle and decide on 11:15. Each person gave up 15 minutes; problem solved.
Sacrifice is different, though. It requires one person to meet another where they are. They give up something to accommodate the other person regardless of whether they respond or give back. Another simple example: one person can only meet at 11:00 for coffee. Rather than reschedule, the other person gives up a prior engagement to meet with this person.
Compromise is a team effort toward a common goal, resolving conflict or disagreement. It’s mutual by its very nature. Everyone involved must give up something for it to be called compromise. A compromise works out differences.
A sacrifice is a solo act done to strengthen the bond between two people. One person gives something up for the relationship; the other person doesn’t necessarily have to, although relationships generally thrive when sacrifice is mutual. Sacrifice seals commitment.
The nature of sacrifice and compromise gets hairier when you consider different levels and depths of relationships.
Here’s what I mean.
Compromising on a coffee time with a co-worker is one thing. Settling with your spouse on how to raise your kids, save money, or where you’ll spend the holidays is a totally different ballgame. Deeper relationships call for deeper considerations.
Perhaps not so much with sacrifice. Giving up a career, living in a particular city, or spending a lot of time with other people is considered good in some relationships, but downright crazy in others.
**Compromise happens in all healthy relationships to some degree. Sacrifice is probably more appropriate for long-term, committed relationships. And problems can occur when we get those two concepts mixed up.**
As a matter of fact, it’s possible to sacrifice for the wrong reason. An interesting piece of research found that when one romantic partner gave something up for the good of the relationship, both partners had higher than average relationship satisfaction.
On the flipside, both partners felt less satisfied in their relationship when a partner gave something up to avoid guilt or hurt feelings.
Did you catch that? The same behavior—sacrificing for one’s partner—had opposite effects depending on the motive behind it. Your reason for sacrifice makes a difference.
What can we take away from these ideas?
- Disagreements happen. Compromise can help solve problems and keep relationships healthy.
- Sacrifice isn’t always the best option, like maybe in a new dating relationship. It can even be harmful. But when it is appropriate (think marriage), both people benefit from it.
- Compromise costs, but it’s typically refundable. If a compromise doesn’t work, you can usually step back and try something else.
- Sacrifice is also costly, but it usually has a no-return policy. It’s risky. And it shouldn’t be done recklessly.
- Carefully weigh your relationship’s depth and outlook (and the issue you need to solve) before sacrificing or compromising.
Some say compromise is the foundation of a relationship. Others say throw compromise out the window and selflessly sacrifice.
I say there’s a time and a place for each: compromise freely and sacrifice wisely.
Related blogs:
- DOWNLOAD: STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS EBOOK
- 6 WAYS TO AGREE TO DISAGREE WITH MY SPOUSE
- HOW TO HAVE HARD CONVERSATIONS WITH CO-WORKERS
- COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How Practicing Gratitude Can Strengthen Relationships
As Thanksgiving approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude and how it impacts me and my relationships. Think for a minute about what it feels like when someone says to you, “Your smile made my day!” or “Thank you for checking in on me.”
Several studies confirm the benefits of being grateful:
- Grateful people are happier, healthier, have stronger relationships, and are more resilient in adversity.
- Gratitude leads to positive behaviors toward your spouse and others. The feeling of gratitude motivates responsiveness to a spouse’s needs. The perception of gratitude results in feelings of gratitude in the other spouse, creating a positive cycle over time.
- Gratitude is linked to higher subjective well-being across the lifespan.
- Everyday gratitude acts as a kind of “booster shot” for romantic relationships, leading to greater connection and satisfaction.
There’s something about not being taken for granted and feeling valued that makes people feel better. Gratitude warms your heart and can lift both the giver and the receiver out of despair.
Gratitude impacts how we relate to others and how we feel about our circumstances. What you choose to focus on is where your focus remains. Concentrating on the negative when things are hard can overwhelm you, and it teaches your brain to hone in on the worst. The alternative is to choose gratitude and find things you can appreciate during all the hard stuff going on in your life.
I once received an unexpected package in the mail. It was a bubble machine from a friend that included a note saying how much she appreciated our friendship. She encouraged me to put that bubble machine to good use in our neighborhood to lift people’s spirits. Trust me when I tell you, that bubble machine brought a lot of joy and laughter to people young and old.
Practicing gratitude doesn’t have to be complicated, time-consuming, or expensive. It’s an intentional effort though to acknowledge what we are thankful for and a willingness to receive gratitude from others.
Now that you know practicing gratitude strengthens your relationships, you may be looking for ways to incorporate thankfulness into your life on the regular. If so, you’ll be glad to know there are lots of ways you can show people how thankful you are.
Here are five ways to practice gratitude that will strengthen your relationships:
- Tell someone how much you appreciate ______________. Thankfulness says, “You matter.”
- Write thank you notes to people you are close to, including your children, spouse, parents and friends who wouldn’t necessarily expect anything.
- Write a letter thanking someone who has deeply impacted your life. Tell them you appreciate the ways they have encouraged and supported you.
- Be intentional about expressing appreciation out loud. Sometimes we think about how grateful we are on the inside, but we forget to verbally say it to the person. It can be something as simple as telling your neighbor (instead of just thinking it) how much you enjoy all the flowers blooming in their yard or telling a family member how much you appreciate them checking in on you.
- Keep a gratitude journal focusing on what you are thankful for in different relationships in your life. This is especially great for those times when you are struggling and need a good reminder of all you can be thankful for.
Practicing gratitude isn’t always easy, and it may even seem hard to be thankful right now, but our relationships will be much stronger and happier when we express our thankfulness to the people in our lives.
Photo by Nicholas Bartos on Unsplash
Is Grit the Secret Ingredient to Successful Relationships?
How gritty are you?
Is your marriage gritty?
Do you teach your kids to be gritty?
In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Harvard-trained psychologist and researcher Angela Duckworth examines what it takes to stick things out and accomplish long-term goals.
Grit has everything to do with how we do family relationships.
Don’t mistake grit with talent (which Duckworth describes as the rate at which a person improves a skill). Grit isn’t how intensely you want something. Instead, grit is an attitude. It is a relentless, determined work ethic—despite setbacks, defeats, and hard days.
It’s a “never-give-up” attitude.
Who do you know that is truly gritty? Grit is what drove Thomas Edison to succeed as an inventor. As a boy, teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” Edison was fired from his first two jobs for being “unproductive.” He reportedly experienced 1,000 failed attempts before successfully inventing the lightbulb. (Edison reported that, rather than failing 1,000 times, the lightbulb was an invention with 1,000 steps. Now that’s grit.)
Great things are achievable in ordinary people through gritty determination.
Duckworth quotes sociologist Dan Chambliss, “…the main thing is greatness is doable. Greatness is many, many individual feats, and each of them is doable.“
Grit is more than just a trait for inventors, athletes, or business leaders; grit is a significant family value.
Duckworth’s research points to a high correlation between grit and marital longevity. People with a gritty determination have a can-do attitude toward building a healthy, strong marriage—despite struggles, conflict, and tension. Gritty couples say, “No matter what we have to do, we’re going to make this work. We’re committed to this marriage.” [Note: There are some situations in marriage that are unhealthy and unsafe. “Grit” is NOT enduring a dangerous relationship. See the note at the bottom of the article.]
For parents, the nagging question is, how do you teach grit to your children? Duckworth offers some great answers.
First, grit is best taught with a balanced parenting style. In other words, parents who connect through affection and encouragement, while also creating structure and appropriate expectations, have a parenting style that fosters grit.
It’s a balance between love and support with accountability and parental toughness.
Second, gritty kids want to take after gritty parents. Duckworth explains that “if you want to bring forth grit in your child, first ask how much passion and perseverance you have for your own life goals.”
Third, Duckworth suggests that extracurricular activities are especially beneficial in developing grit in kids. An organized activity requiring a child to overcome challenges or criticism from peers, coaches, or teachers fosters grit. Bad days, lack of energy or motivation can help teach kids to push through and be gritty.
Let’s get practical. Do hard things.
Duckworth shares a very practical strategy for developing grit in her teenage children called the “Hard Thing Rule.” There are three parts:
- Everyone in the family, including the parents, has to do a Hard Thing. A “Hard Thing” is anything that requires deliberate practice. For a parent, in addition to the skills they use at work, it might be yoga, running, or completing a degree. For kids, it might be ballet, piano, or soccer.
- You can quit your Hard Thing. But there’s a catch. You can’t quit until “your season is over, the tuition payment is up, or some other ‘natural’ stopping point has arrived.” In other words, you can’t quit on the day your coach yells at you, or you have to miss a party because you have practice.
- You get to pick your Hard Thing.
As a family and relationship educator, it makes me wonder: If grit was a more common character quality, would we see more successful marriages, healthier parenting styles, and overall relationship satisfaction?
Perhaps it starts with you.
Maybe it means you are more intentional about pressing through your small, doable feats even when you’re not motivated. Maybe you model more grit for your family and lead by example. Perhaps this week, you and your family can pick your Hard Thing to practice.
Don’t be afraid to get your hands gritty.
I’m convinced—and I hope you are, too—grit is a good thing and something we all can use in our family.
Related:
10 Things Healthy, Happy Families Do
How To Encourage A Growth Mindset In Kids
The Blessing Of The Skinned Knee
Got some gritty thoughts on grit? Share them in the comments below!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How Relationships Can Transform Race Relations
Sam Collier didn’t have his first white friend until he was 21 years old.
“It wasn’t until I had this friend that I realized how different our worlds were. He didn’t understand my world and I didn’t really understand his,” says Collier.
It might be helpful to know that Sam is one of five children. However, when he and his twin sister were born, his dad was not in the picture. His mother gave them up for adoption, and a couple eventually adopted Sam and his sister.
Sam grew up surrounded by people who looked just like him in Decatur, Georgia. His dad owned a barbershop and his mother quit a corporate position at FedEx to focus on raising both of them.
Today, Sam is a communicator at Northpoint Ministries as well as the Director of City Strategy for The reThink Group. He is also a nationally-syndicated tv and radio host (A Greater Story Podcast; reaches 100 Million Homes weekly), a top 20 Gospel Billboard producer and the founder of No Losing, Inc. In these roles, he has empowered over 80 thousand young people to have a winning mindset in life to achieve their goals by creatively making education relevant to youth.
At this point in his life, Sam has many white and black friends. Sickened and sad over the events surrounding the deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, he believes he is in a unique position to help both black and white people come together and learn so we can all do better with race relations.
Relationships Are Key to Understanding and Change
“Black people have been screaming for many years that something isn’t right, thinking that white people were hearing them and beginning to understand their plight,” Collier says. “In reality, that’s probably not the case. In many instances, I think white people don’t understand Black culture. Honestly, a lot of us don’t really understand white culture. Even though we have been trying to communicate, it’s as though we are on different radio frequencies and both white people and black people have missed each other.”
Collier believes that relationships are the bedrock of change for race relations. They are an essential piece of the strategy when it comes to antiracism. After protesting and marching shook the nation in the 60s, MLK built a relationship with a “white” President. Together, they worked to fight evil.
“The first step that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. taught during the Civil Rights Movement was information gathering,” Collier says. “Before you try and solve a problem, you need to get all the information. Seek to see it from every side. We have to get people coming together, listening to each other and coming up with collective solutions for better outcomes for everyone. This is how you shift a nation. Enough voices saying the same thing, running after the same problem, fighting for the same solutions, refusing to quit until the battle is won. Relationships lead to conversations, conversations lead to strategy, strategy leads to action and strategic action leads to change. There is power in conversations birthed out of personal relationships. We have probably never been more postured for this to be able to happen.”
Relationships Can Lead to Lasting Change
Additionally, Collier encourages anyone who is a person of influence in any sector in life to talk with those who are feeling the impact. Lean into the pain of why we are where we are and then seek solutions.
If you are white and don’t know anyone in the black community, reach out. If you are black and see an opportunity to influence a white person seeking to learn through friendship, don’t be afraid to enter in, if they are genuine. This relationship may also help you understand where black and white communities are missing each other. This is a huge step in the right direction. Put yourself in new circles. Collier believes one of the best ways to gain perspective and learn how to take action is by being brave enough to friend someone who is different than you. When you get close you start to debunk a lot of myths you’ve learned in the community.
“We also should be looking at policy changes that need to be made,” Collier says. “This will take some time and strategic thinking.”
Collier believes that there is value in both communities being willing to fight injustice in a Kingian Nonviolent way. He also believes that the injustice we see in our country will change quicker as we come together. Let’s work hard to unify our country so that together we can defeat racism and help America live up to its truest ideals.
How to Stop Resentment
Resentment is a sneaky little emotion. It can come out of nowhere. It’s often spurred by a nagging feeling that someone has mistreated you. If you don’t deal with it, resentment can harm your relationships and your emotional and mental well-being. So is there anything you can do to stop resentment?
First off, what is resentment?
Resentment is a hostile emotion that results from suffering an actual or perceived wrong, or feeling like someone has been mistreated. It may be you or someone else who got the raw deal. The causes of resentment vary. And being resentful can show up in any relationship.
Anger is a natural emotion. It’s ok to get angry, but what you do with your anger matters. If you don’t handle anger well, feelings of resentment can evolve into contempt and other unhealthy emotions. You probably don’t want that.
Resenting someone can consume you, and that kind of thing impacts your mental and emotional well-being. Being resented and uncertain of why someone feels that way toward you can affect your health, too. You probably don’t want that, either.
If you can relate to any of the feelings above, consider doing two things before going further.
Acknowledge your self-awareness. Bravely admitting that something is getting in your way of moving forward or holding back a relationship you care about is a huge first step.
Acknowledge that you’re capable of moving forward. Being self-aware allows you to have a heightened understanding of how you relate to yourself and others. You’ve got this, and you can deal with any resentment you may be experiencing in your relationship(s).
Ready to tackle resentment in your relationships? Let’s do this!
HOW TO STOP RESENTMENT
Address issues as they arise.
Resentment starts with anger. So let’s start there. What caused you to get angry at someone? Is it a disagreement or something they said? Whatever the issue, it’s best to address it as it comes up. Allowing problems to remain unresolved leads to resentment. When you have a disagreement with someone you care about, seek a resolution out of love for that person.
Communicate your expectations.
Resentment can form if you have difficulty expressing your true feelings or concerns. Be sure to clearly share how you feel and what you expect. Even if it’s unfair to hold someone accountable for your unspoken expectations, it’s somehow easy to get angry with them. Pretty sure I’m not the only one who has experienced this.
Be realistic with your expectations.
Sometimes we expect something from someone else that we wouldn’t expect of ourselves. We may not even realize it. That’s one reason flexibility and being willing to meet halfway is important. When you reach a compromise, your worth is acknowledged, your voice is heard, and you practice empathy. Both of you can feel understood.
Ask yourself: Did I clearly and fairly communicate whatever expectation this person did not meet?
A good rule of thumb is to look in the mirror before confronting someone else. This has been the biggest lesson I’ve learned as a leader, a husband and a dad. I have to ask myself if I’ve clearly communicated my expectations before I think about holding someone accountable for what they did or didn’t do.
Focus on the good if you want to stop resentment.
Disagreements will happen in any relationship. Why? Because we’re all imperfect people. It doesn’t matter whether you don’t see eye to eye with a friend, co-worker, family member, or someone you’re romantically involved with. You can choose to address the issues and then focus on the good. Dwelling on the times someone has let you down is not helpful to you or the relationship.
Invite gratitude into your life.
Being thankful can make you happier! But don’t just take my word for it.
The experts at Harvard Health Publishing also have something to say about it:
“In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”
Each day, you can incorporate gratitude in your life by focusing on what you’re thankful for or keeping a journal.
If left unchecked, resentment can consume your thoughts and impact your relationships… and your well-being. You don’t have to let it take over. You’ve got this.
Other blogs:
5 Benefits of Being Thankful – First Things First
The Difference Between Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse – First Things First
Sources:
8 Strategies to Work Through Anger and Resentment
Ways to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship
Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2019). Anger and Its Cousins. Emotion Review, 11(1), 13–26.
Giving thanks can make you happier – Harvard Health
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Am I Happy?
“Am I happy?” Some questions have their answer firmly embedded in them. It’s kinda like, Well, if you even have to ask… This can be super convenient if we don’t stumble over the simplicity of it, but sometimes the most obvious things in life are the ones we miss.
When I’ve been happy, I don’t ask myself if I’m happy – I’m busy just enjoying being happy. If I’ve had to pause and ask myself if I’m happy, if that question has somehow bubbled up to the surface, if it continually pops up in my quieter moments, well, if you even have to ask…
I don’t even know how to define “happy.” You’ve never wondered if you were happy and reached for a dictionary. You’ve got your own lived definition. I think the best I can do is that, for me, it typically is the absence of other negative feelings- it’s when I don’t feel anxious, stressed, sad, angry, lonely, bitter, or jealous.
That’s actually a huge disservice to happiness. (Sorry, but as I said, when I’m happy, I don’t think about being happy.) How do you define it? Like most people, I kinda know it when I feel it. But I really know it when I don’t.
Oddly enough, we’ve formally studied depression, anger, loneliness – basically, the absence of happiness – for centuries. Plot twist! It has been relatively recently, only in the past couple of decades, that we have turned a scientific eye toward studying happiness itself. Turns out that happiness isn’t just the absence of other, negative feelings, but happiness actually is a thing in and of itself! Best of all – happiness is a HABIT!
If you’ve ever tried to break a bad habit, you know the power that habits can have over us. But that power can also be used for GOOD! Below are some research-tested ways to make a habit out of happiness.
Cultivate the habits of…
- Sleeping Well. Most adults need between 7-8 hours. (I know, I laughed, too.) We are so busy, we believe we can’t afford to get 7-8 hours of sleep. The reality is that sleeping is when our brain does important stuff and we can’t afford to NOT get good sleep.
- Eating Right. This can be a tough one because eating is one of many people’s Unhappy Coping Mechanisms. Remember, we are a walking chemistry set. Our brains need GOOD food to help it make Happy Chemicals. Junk food makes us feel good for a bit but then we crash. Go with complex carbs like veggies, beans, and whole grains. Foods high in protein boost our dopamine and norepinephrine levels and give us energy, help us concentrate, and help us feel happy. Highly-processed foods, deep-fried foods, and especially skipping meals, make us feel blue.
- Being Grateful. A two-part study showed that taking time to quiet yourself each day and rehearse just five things you are grateful for will boost the Happy Chemicals in your brain.
- Helping Others. Another study on happiness showed that helping someone else feels good! More Happy Chemicals! (And it helps us from fixating on our own problems for a bit.)
- Exercising. Don’t let this one intimidate you! According to research, it can be as simple as a walk around the block during your lunch break or after dinner. Regular exercise has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and many symptoms of depression.
- Getting Outside. You can combine this with exercise or literally just sit outside a while. Fresh air, sunlight, and getting into nature have all been shown to boost our Happy Chemicals.
- Acknowledging Unhappiness. Nobody expects you to plaster a big fake stupid grin on your face when you find out that you didn’t get the promotion you wanted. There is a big difference between acknowledging an unhappy feeling and choosing to camp out there. Choose to lean into Life’s setbacks and turn them into motivation for something positive.
- Calling in the Professionals. You’ve just read a lot about Happy Chemicals in your brain. One happiness researcher claims that happiness can be up to 50% genetic. If you are cultivating happy habits but still not feeling it, that might be a signal to call in the pros. Talk to your doctor about your overall health and don’t be afraid to set up a counseling appointment to explore other approaches.
Happiness isn’t just something that happens to some people and it is way more than just the absence of negative feelings. Happiness is a habit, one you can start TODAY! Am I happy? Glad you asked!
