Tag Archive for: Relationships

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Spring Cleaning Your Relationships: Clearing Out Resentment, Guilt and Unspoken Expectations

There’s something about spring that invites us to shed what’s stale and breathe fresh air into our homes.

And believe it or not… spring will be here this month!

It’s the season to dust off forgotten corners, donate what no longer serves us, and stand back to admire the crispness of a clean slate. But what if we treated our relationships the same way? What if we took this season of renewal as a cue to clear out the resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations that can quietly clutter our marriages and parenting?

Just as a home full of junk can feel stifling, relationships burdened with emotional debris can limit our joy and connection.

And research agrees. A 2015 study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations are significant predictors of marital dissatisfaction. Similarly, parenting experts warn that lingering guilt and unspoken assumptions can create friction with our kids.

Dusting Out Resentment in Marriage

Resentment often starts as a small speck—an eye roll when your partner forgets, yet again, to take out the trash. But left unaddressed, it can accumulate into a layer of grime that blurs your view of each other. According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher, the antidote to resentment is open communication. “Small things often,” he says, emphasizing that regular, honest conversations can prevent small irritations from growing into deep divides.

To begin, set aside time to talk without distractions. Start sentences with “I feel” rather than “You always,” which keeps the conversation focused on your experience instead of sounding accusatory. And, yes, it’s uncomfortable at first—kind of like pulling the couch away from the wall and finding a collection of dusty mysteries. But the relief of a clean, honest space is worth it.

Sweeping Away Parenting Guilt

If I had a dollar for every time I felt guilty as a parent, I’d have enough for a luxurious kid-free weekend getaway—and probably still feel guilty about going. Parenting guilt is a universal experience, but carrying it unchecked is like dragging a mop through muddy water: it only spreads the mess.

Parenting expert Dr. Tina Payne Bryson advises acknowledging guilt as a sign of care but not letting it dictate our actions.

“Guilt can be a helpful signal, but it becomes unhealthy when it turns into shame or when it keeps us from being present with our children,” she explains. Instead of dwelling on where you think you’re falling short, focus on small, intentional moments of connection with your kids—whether it’s reading one more story at bedtime or sharing a silly dance in the kitchen.

Scrubbing Out Unspoken Expectations

Expectations are tricky. We all have them, but when left unspoken, they can become invisible tripping hazards. Whether it’s expecting your spouse to know you need a break or hoping your child will behave perfectly at the grocery store, unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment and friction.

Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes the importance of “clear is kind.” She encourages us to be explicit about what we need and to ask our loved ones to do the same. When my five-year-old started kindergarten, I realized I had an unspoken expectation that he’d adjust easily. When he didn’t, I felt frustrated—not at him, but at the gap between my expectation and reality. Voicing this allowed me to shift my approach, offering him more support and patience as he navigated the transition.

Embracing the Fresh Air

The beauty of spring cleaning—whether in your home or your heart—isn’t in achieving perfection but in creating space for what matters most. When we clear out resentment, guilt, and unspoken expectations, we make room for grace, laughter, and love. We let in the fresh air of connection and breathe a little easier in our most important relationships.

So, as you sweep out the dust bunnies and fold fresh linens, take a moment to dust off your relationships too. It may take time, but the reward is a home—and a heart—where love can flourish.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Finding a Safe Haven in Marriage: How Childhood Trauma Affects Intimacy

My daily work involves researching and understanding more about relationships and the things that affect them the most. I’m constantly struck by the ways our early experiences ripple through our adult lives—particularly when it comes to love and how we commit to one another. A new study titled A Safe Haven Through Attachment sheds light on something deeply powerful: the connection between childhood trauma and relationship satisfaction in adults. The study explores how our romantic partnerships can either heal or deepen the scars of past trauma. 

The researchers aimed to understand how early childhood trauma influences relationship satisfaction, particularly through the lens of attachment theory.

Attachment theory suggests that our ability to form healthy relationships as adults is deeply shaped by our earliest bonds—particularly with parents and caregivers. The study focused on couples, looking at both partners’ childhood trauma experiences and how these shaped their relationship dynamics. They wanted to see whether strong emotional connections between partners (also known as “attachment security”) could serve as a buffer against the negative impacts of trauma.

The study revealed that those who experienced significant childhood trauma often struggled more with relationship satisfaction as adults.

But here’s the hopeful part: the quality of attachment between partners plays a major role in mitigating these struggles. Couples who were able to create a safe, emotionally supportive environment for one another saw better relationship outcomes, even if one or both partners had experienced trauma in their past.

One particularly interesting aspect of the research is the idea of “dyadic” effects—how each partner’s history of trauma not only affects their own relationship satisfaction but also influences their partner’s well-being. It’s a reminder that relationships are a two-way street; we carry our pasts into our partnerships, and those pasts inevitably intertwine.

If you, like me, sometimes find yourself navigating the beautiful chaos of marriage and parenting, this research hits close to home. It tells us that while childhood trauma can cast a long shadow, the love and security we build with our partners can offer healing. Relationships become a safe haven—a place where wounds from the past can be soothed rather than reopened.

But this doesn’t happen on its own. The study emphasizes that creating this kind of bond requires emotional openness, trust, and—yes—communication. It’s about recognizing that our partners have their own histories, and together we can work through the ways those histories shape our present.

This also offers a glimpse into the role we play as parents.

Our children’s early experiences shape how they’ll relate to others down the road. So whether it’s a little one adjusting to the dynamics of elementary school or an infant learning the basics of attachment through our own caregiving, we’re laying the groundwork for their future relationships.

For readers who want to dig deeper, this study is also a reminder that trauma doesn’t just go away when we reach adulthood. While seeking professional help and practicing self-reflection can be essential tools for healing, our relationships play an equally significant role. They can provide a place of safety—or a source of additional pain. Recognizing that partners can help each other heal is a powerful insight for anyone who has struggled with intimacy due to their past.

Through working with married couples, and trying to build a secure connection in my own marriage, it’s easy to see how our childhood experiences shape the way we connect and attach with our spouses. However, our childhood is not always easy to discuss and revisit. As you process this information on your own and with your significant other, practice empathy and give lots of grace. This will continue to foster a safe, warm environment for a healthy relationship.

In a world where so many of us are carrying invisible wounds, this research calls us to be more aware of the importance of secure attachment in adult relationships.

It’s not just about being in love; it’s about being emotionally safe. If we’re willing to put in the work with our partners—building trust and nurturing closeness—we can create relationships that transcend the pain of the past and give us a healthier, more connected future.

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Marriage Is Dead… Or Is It? (Part 2)

In last week’s column, I suggested a different interpretation of the decline of marriage as an essential institution in our country. Recent studies from Pew Research and the National Council for Family Relations indicate that the majority of Americans still desire and revere marriage but are often leery of the long-term commitment it requires and feel other milestones are more important, such as education, careers and building a solid financial foundation as an individual.

From this understanding, there are two questions: 1.) Does marriage matter? 2.) Can we do anything to make marriage more of a priority and more appealing?

“The family structure in and of itself is an important factor in reducing poverty: children raised in single-parent families are nearly five times as likely to be poor as those in married-couple families,” reports the AEI-Brookings Working Group on Poverty and Opportunity. In their extensive 88-page report, the Brookings Working Group provides four recommendations, the first is to “promote marriage as the most reliable route to family stability and resources.” 

The Brookings Institute isn’t the only nonpartisan research group reporting marriage as a pathway out of poverty and into stability and opportunity. Pew Research, The American Enterprise Institute, The RAND Corporation, and others have all contributed studies or meta-analyses demonstrating marriage as a necessity for generational financial stability. In their opinion, marriage still matters for the future of families in our country.

However, I would be failing you as the reader if I didn’t address the obvious– telling people that marriage should be a priority in their life because of financial reasons is not very, dare I say, romantic. And the idea that simply saying “I do” provides enough stability to create a positive generational impact can set couples and families up for disappointment. 

Let’s look at the second question.

Can we do anything to make marriage more of a priority and more appealing? 

Robert Emery, a professor at the University of Virginia, says that, in past generations, people thought of marriage as “more of a businesslike relationship.” He argues that the marriage rates fell and divorce rates rose when people started thinking less with their wallets and more with their hearts.

“The notion today is that marriage is about love and love is about personal fulfillment,” Emery says. Mutual personal fulfillment is a complex and evolving goal. While many couples are no longer financially dependent on each other, individuals who no longer feel fulfilled in a relationship may more easily leave a marriage or not even feel the need to commit to marriage in the first place. This is why it’s so important to stress the health of the marriage relationship. 

Harvard University, The American Psychological Association, and The Mental Health Foundation have all conducted studies within the last decade that found healthy marriage relationships can provide these profound benefits for both men and women:

  • A longer life-expectancy
  • Less risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse
  • Better immune system and physical health 
  • Less risk of mental health disorders or issues for children
  • Fewer feelings of loneliness and hopelessness
  • A more optimistic outlook on life overall

Likewise, the same organizations reported that an unhealthy marriage can have the opposite effects and lead to additional issues such as domestic violence. 

The key takeaway is that marriage as a social structure can provide more financial stability.

But marriage can have a much more significant impact on society and future generations if we focus on relational health and not just the act of marriage.

To make marriage more appealing and desirable overall, we must be willing to note the fulfilling benefits of a healthy relationship. We must normalize that marriage takes work, but in the words of the Peace Corps, it may just be the toughest job you’ll ever love.

Read part 1 here!

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash

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The Truth Behind “I Don’t Need Help”

If you’re a parent, you’ve more than likely experienced a toddler’s extreme desire for independence.

From age two to four, many children are determined to “do it myself.” 

But, have you ever experienced an adult who doesn’t “need help?” They’re so determined to do everything on their own they refuse to delegate, ask others for assistance or set boundaries.

Or are you the one who doesn’t “need help?” Do you pride yourself on your ability to do everything independently and shy away from situations that feel remotely interdependent or out of your control?

I am currently nine months pregnant. I’m uncomfortable, slow, and my brain capacity is lower than I care to admit. I recently met with a fellow non-profit leader and a leadership team member. I stood up to throw my water cup away and heard:

“Lauren, I can take that to the trash. Don’t worry about it!” 

“Lauren, I could’ve taken your cup with mine!” 

“Lauren, seriously, you don’t have to do that…” 

I ignored these advances and did it myself. No big deal. Then I heard my leadership team member say, “Lauren does everything by herself. Even at 9 months pregnant. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

We laughed. We moved on. But that statement stuck with me. Is it true? Am I too independent? How does independence develop in us over time? What happens when people are too independent in relationships? How often do I say, “I don’t need help?”

“As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect with others in a meaningful way,” says Jodi Clarke, a Licensed Professional Counselor.

Clarke says those with an extraordinary sense of independence may find it difficult to achieve emotional intimacy in romantic relationships.

In a work or school environment, these individuals may struggle to work on a team, collaborate well or share projects with others.

What makes some individuals need more independence than others? According to Dr. Amy Marschall, a Clinical Psychologist, extreme independence or hyper-independence can be a trauma response. Although, not everyone who experiences trauma will have the same response. Some people have the opposite reaction by believing they are incapable of independence.  

Trauma can refer to an event or series of events that occurred to a person, such as a car accident, death, or abuse. Trauma can also refer to mounting emotional and relational experiences over time, typically from childhood and/or adolescence.

Examples of trauma that can lead to hyper-independence include:

  • Being consistently told that it’s weak or unacceptable to receive help from others.
  • Experiencing neglect in a physical, mental, emotional, or relational sense.
  • Feeling unsafe or distrusting in a relationship with a caregiver and unable to trust those in authority fully.
  • Experiencing high uncertainty and unstableness leads to seeking control in every situation and aspect of life.

In other words, highly independent people have developed a need for self-preservation and control out of a necessity to survive. They haven’t had the opportunity to learn how to trust anyone other than themselves and build healthy, interdependent relationship skills and habits. 

After some reflection, I don’t think I’m hyper-independent. Still, I have some very independent tendencies in my relationships and roles in life.

To ensure I’m not creating an unhealthy bubble of self-dependence and pushing away those I love and care for, I’ve decided to stay aware and open by focusing on these five steps:

  1. Let go of perfectionism. Allow others to do things the way they do them.
  2. Accept there is a lack of control in every situation.
  3. Assess the cost of not asking for or accepting help from others.
  4. Normalize asking for help and avoid seeing it as a sign of weakness.
  5. Learn the art of delegation.

If you’re questioning your level of independence in relationships and relational environments, I encourage you to dig deeper: 

  1. Assess your desire for independence. 
  2. Ask yourself questions. Where did my independence come from? How extreme is it?
  3. Focus on the five steps above. 

Your relationships, family, and co-workers will thank you in the end.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash

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How to End Relationship Envy for Good

My family dances together regularly. Cooking dinner? We’re jamming to Usher or Queen. Have twenty minutes to spare before bathtime? We’re grooving around the house to Lecrae or Justin Bieber. It’s a holiday? You can bet at least half of my 32-member family is gathered in the kitchen, singing and moving to yacht rock or 2000s pop.

A few years ago, my sister posted a video of one of our dance fests on social media. The next day, I received a long text from someone sharing how they wished their family could be more like my family… having fun together, laughing, dancing, and making memories. At first, I felt sad for this person. They clearly had a desire for a family environment they had never been able to experience before. Then, I realized they were making an assumption based on one 15-second video. They didn’t see the years of heartache and loss my family navigated through, the arguments we’ve had over politics, religion and parenting, or the moments of frustration and miscommunication that inevitably led to heated conversations and boundaries. It’s true we have fun together, but there’s also a long list of challenges and trials we’ve endured.

Relationship envy is a tricky yet common issue to navigate.

From the gorgeous married couple who travels the world to the family who dances in the kitchen, social media and misplaced assumptions can create a deep-seated game of comparison.

Here’s a truth to remember: Seeing a moment doesn’t reveal the full picture.

In other words, seeing a husband and wife who are caring, considerate, and affectionate towards each other at a dinner party doesn’t mean they haven’t had their fair share of ups and downs. Study after study reveals couples who stick together through hard seasons will inevitably come out stronger and more connected on the other side. Still, we experience relationship envy because we so desperately desire a deep connection with those we love. So often, we don’t know how to build that connection. Then when we see snapshots of others holding hands, laughing, dancing, etc., we assume their relationship is amazing and ours are lacking in some way.

More than eight in ten U.S. adults (83%) say spending time with family provides them a great deal or quite a bit of meaning and fulfillment, according to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2022. However, a similar survey concluded that Americans only see extended family once a year, typically around a holiday. Likewise, a different survey of 6,000 married couples revealed that 90% of couples enjoy spending time together and find it beneficial for their relationship, but they only go on dates an average of 3 times per year.

What if relationship envy isn’t bred from a lack in our own relationships, but misplaced priorities?

If we desire to have closer, more connected, and “fun” relationships, we have to invest our time, energy, and resources into making those things happen. You can’t enjoy life together if you don’t spend time together. The more time and energy you give to the people you care about, the more memories and experiences you’ll share with them – good and bad.

Likewise, taking the “grass is always greener” approach limits your capacity to see and expand on the positives in your relationships.

Justin Buckingham, a psychology professor at Towson University, and the researcher Lavonia Smith LeBeau developed the “relationship social comparison scale.” They found that people who frequently compared their relationships to others were more likely to experience “low relationship satisfaction, feelings of commitment, and feelings of intimacy.” On a larger scale, French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu called this “positional suffering,” or the notion that our pain is created not so much by what we have, but by what we have in relation to others. Practicing envy creates feelings of pain, doubt, and dissatisfaction.

What’s the antidote to envy?

Practicing gratitude and self-awareness. Being thankful for what you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t will shift your mindset and point of view over time. Self-awareness allows you to focus on what you do have control over instead of what you can’t control.

To my friend who longs for her family to dance in the kitchen: turn on the music and let loose. If no one joins you, so be it. You can’t control what your family members do or don’t do, but you can be the one to start something new. You can choose to focus on the things your family does to enjoy each other’s company: telling stories, reading, sharing life, eating meals – there’s no right or wrong way to be together. Prioritizing your own relationships will give you less time and capacity to envy others.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Raychan on Unsplash

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How “Phubbing” Can Increase Problems In Your Relationship

We are all guilty of phubbing whether we’re aware of it or not.

Answered a text during family dinner? You phubbed. Checked your notifications during a meeting your colleague was leading? Phubbed again. Decided to scroll through social media during your downtime instead of calling your close friend or family member? Major phub.

Phubbing is the act of ignoring your companions or relationships to give attention to your phone or device. In other words, you are snubbing others for your phone. 

While many parents complain of feeling snubbed by their teens for technology, it’s clear adults are also struggling with the distracting screens.

Researchers now have a clear picture of how phubbing impacts adult relationships. A recent tech report released by the Institute for Family Studies found that 1 in 7 parents of teens (15%) use their phones or other digital devices “almost constantly” during conversations, meals, or family events. Also, using a sample of 145 adults, researchers James Roberts and Meredith David found that regular phubbing between romantic partners leads to relationship dissatisfaction.

A new report from the Wheatley Institute surveyed 2,000 married couples. It found that 37% of married Americans (roughly one-third) feel their spouse is often focused on a device in place of having a conversation or spending time together. Interestingly enough, this statistic varies greatly between socioeconomic status. Phubbing is worse among lower-income couples, with 44% reporting their spouse is distracted by their phone compared to only 31% of higher-income couples.

It makes sense that phone usage would create frustration in a marriage, but this study reveals even more.

Couples who experience excessive phone use are less happy about their marriage than others.

Only about 6 in 10 married adults whose spouse is often on the phone (59%) say they are “very happy” with their marriage, compared with 81% of those who don’t struggle with this issue. More so, 1 in 5 married adults (21%) with a spouse who overuses a phone say they are not happy with their marriage, compared with only 8% of couples who do not report the phone as an issue.

Of course, the question has to be asked: Is phubbing the real issue?

Or are there other factors in the marriage that increase the phubbing behavior? According to the Wheatley report, infrequent sex and fewer date nights may be contributing to lower marital satisfaction among couples who have a phone problem. Fewer than half of these couples (44%) have sex at least once a week, and about 1 in 5 of these couples (23%) report that either they haven’t had sex at all in the past 12 months (11%) or only once or twice (12%).

In contrast, couples with greater control over their phones are more likely to report more frequent sex and date nights.

Smartphones get a lot of blame for relationship and mental health issues. There’s no doubt that correlations exist between relationship dissatisfaction, loneliness, anxiety, and smartphone usage. But smartphones themselves aren’t the real issue–phubbing is. Whether couples find themselves using their devices to avoid spending time together or they slowly slide into prioritizing their phones over each other, phubbing is a choice. It’s something to be aware of and practice against for the health of ourselves and our relationships.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Kev Costello on Unsplash

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The Cure for Loneliness

I gave a presentation to a local community group last week. At the end, someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, “I keep hearing all this stuff about how lonely we are. Is it really true? And what do we do about it?”

A few days later, The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services released an advisory statement. The headline read: New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States.

Awareness of the rise in loneliness and isolation in our country is the first step to finding a solution. The next steps are to understand why it’s happening and what to do about it. Let’s break it down.

Why is loneliness increasing in our country? Here are a few potential causes:

1: Children have not received emotional connections from parents and caregivers.

A meta-analysis of decades of research on the average American’s “attachment style” reveals today’s adults are more likely to have an insecure attachment style than a secure one. This means we desire relationships, but we are also fearful of them. 

 (Konrath, S. H., Chopik, W. J., Hsing, C. K., & O’Brien, E. (2014))

2: Concerns about societal issues create distrust.

One psychologist who dove deep into Americans’ insecure-attachment trend found a list of fears that people may be wrestling with, such as: war in Europe, trends in technology, school shootings in the news, and the national debt. When society feels scary, that fear can seep into your closest relationships.

3: Technology produces fake intimacy.

It’s no secret–  technology hinders us from creating deep emotional connections. There’s a large body of research revealing the impact of technology on relationships. Staying up-to-date with someone on social media is not the same as having them over for dinner or being a regular part of their life. Technology helps us form digital communities that can hinder us from forming more tangible relationships.

Faith Hill, a reporter and contributor to The Atlantic draws this conclusion in her recent article America’s Intimacy Problem: “All in all, we can’t determine why people are putting up walls, growing further and further away from one another… The good news is that if humans have the capacity to lose trust in one another, they can also work to build it back up.”

What do we do to build connection and trust back up?

Here are a few potential solutions suggested by the Surgeon General and mental health experts alike:

1: Create and use more community spaces.

Playgrounds, libraries, and community centers provide opportunities for human interaction and connection for children and adults. Creating these spaces is half the battle. To experience connection and reverse isolation, we must be willing to use them in our everyday lives.

2: Use connection as a healing remedy.

Because loneliness and isolation are risk factors for several major health conditions, healthcare professionals are well-positioned to assess their patients’ loneliness and isolation and suggest connection and relationship-building remedies.

3: Enable public policies that ensure connection.

At every level, the government can play a role in creating more avenues for connection. Increasing free and easy access to public transportation and providing family leave are a few ways to discourage loneliness and isolation from a systemic level. 

4: Consistently gauge your use of technology.

Only you can prevent fake intimacy from forming in your relationships. How often are you “liking” a picture rather than inviting a friend to coffee? Or scrolling on your phone rather than having a conversation with your spouse?

At its core, the loneliness epidemic has one cure: deep, meaningful relationships. While this ideal has many obstacles, prioritizing relationships is the first step forward. 

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Alex Ivashenko on Unsplash

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The How and What of “The Most Generous Interpretation” Method

It’s no secret that poor communication habits are the silent killers of many relationships.

Spouses, parents, children, and siblings often fail to connect, express, and respond to expectations and effectively work through conflict. In all relationships, it’s easy for individuals to misunderstand each other, not actively listen before responding, and miss verbal cues for connection.

As much as clear communication plays an important role in relationships, one method suggests the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) of people and their behavior plays an even bigger role in family health.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of the New York Times bestselling parenting book Good Inside, suggests that you can separate a person from their behavior. “Finding the MGI teaches [us] to attend to what is going on inside… (feelings, worries, urges, sensations) rather than what is going on outside (words or actions).”

Here’s a parenting example:

We had a few families over for dinner last week. My 4-year-old son enjoyed playing with all of his friends. When the night ended and everyone went home, I told my son it was time to take a bath. “No! I won’t take a bath. I’m not going to do it right now, and you can’t make me,” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

At that moment, I had a few response options:

1) Yell back with something like, “Don’t talk to me like that or you’ll be punished!”

2) Lay the guilt trip on with a statement like, “I just gave you a fun night with friends. You’re ungrateful.”

3) Make it about my emotions, saying, “It makes me really sad when you talk to me like that. I don’t deserve that.”

4) Use my Most Generous Interpretation by separating his behavior from who he is and following up with curiosity. “Wow, I hear how upset you are. Tell me more.”

I chose option four.

My son then told me he didn’t think it was fair for everyone to go home. He missed them and felt sad that they were gone. He started crying and told me he was extremely tired and didn’t think he had the energy to take a bath. So, I responded, “I get it. I’m tired, too. If we don’t take a bath before bed right now, then we have to wake up a little early in the morning to take one before school. It’s your choice. Bath tonight or in the morning?” He chose the morning option and was asleep in about 5 minutes. He woke up the next morning refreshed and ready to take a bath before school.

Some may interpret this method as “being too easy” on kids, but Dr. Kennedy suggests it’s actually framing their behavior in a way that will help them build critical emotion regulation skills for their future, and parents are preserving their connection and close relationship along the way.

“I often remind myself that kids respond to the version of themselves that parents reflect back to them and act accordingly,” Dr. Kennedy shares. “When we tell our kids they are selfish, they act in their own interest… but the opposite is true as well. When we tell our kids, ‘You’re a good kid having a hard time… I’m right here with you,’ they are more likely to have empathy for their own struggles, which helps them regulate and make better decisions.”

So, how does this method work in a marriage?

The next time your spouse snaps at you, ignores you, or does something to make you feel unseen or unheard, use the MGI rather than yelling, sulking, or blaming. Let them know you see them and want to know what’s going on inside, beyond their behavior outside.

Say something like, “You seem upset. Would you like to talk about it?” or “You seem distracted. Can we talk about what’s on your mind? I’m here with you.”

Choosing the Most Generous Interpretation isn’t easy. At the end of the day, it forces you to respond instead of react and to be curious rather than make assumptions. The connection and depth the MGI can bring to your family is worth the challenge.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

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