Sometimes you find yourself in relationships, social or romantic, with liars. You might say something like, “I can’t put my finger on it, but something is off about this person, explanation, or story.”
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Learning how to lead in a new marriage is hard. Trust me. I’ve got the scratches to prove it!
“WILL!! YOU’RE PUSHING ME UNDER A TREE!!!”
It was at this moment I realized my husband and I should not have gotten in the same canoe on this family trip.
You see, my husband (the most laid-back, easy-going guy ever) and I (an admittedly fiery redhead) had only been married 3 months when my family decided to go on a canoeing adventure over the 4th of July weekend.
Since we both love the great outdoors, neither of us thought it would be a problem! That is until I was pinned under a fallen tree while my kind, loving husband was steering us in the back of this two-person boat.
As I saw three spiders crawl onto my legs and felt my arm scratch up against the branches, I quickly pushed us away from the tree while he fervently apologized to me for not paying attention to where he was steering us. But it was a little late in my book. At this point, I had brushed off the spiders, tended to the scratches on my arm, and built up a wall of disappointment and anger against him.
I thought to myself, “This would be going so much better if I was the one in the back steering us. Why can’t he see that too and offer up his seat??”
Yikes.
You might be thinking something along the same lines about your relationship, too. Whether you’ve had a moment when your spouse pushed you under a tree (literally or figuratively), or maybe you’ve been feeling unsure about your role as a spouse. When should you be the one steering? When should you follow your spouse’s lead? I’ve got a few words for you.
First of all, know that there are times for both spouses to lead! After going a little further down the river, I realized how wrong I was to think that I should be the one steering the two of us. If it were me in the back, my competitive nature would have paddled us straight to the finish line with little to no time to stop and look at the scenery, play around and splash each other with our paddles, or talk with family in the boats around us. But since he was the one leading us, I was able to enjoy myself (outside of the whole tree thing) and embrace a moment where “winning” didn’t matter.
This was his moment to lead, even if he did mess up a little.
It’s also good to see that each spouse should lead in the ways that they are strongest. Will and I have decided that when it comes to caring for things, from plants to animals, or handling the finances and budget, that’s on me. But with planning get-togethers and deciding what we’ll eat throughout the week, he’s totally got those. My husband and I both recognize each other’s strengths and our own needs, so we can lead each other to be better versions of ourselves. And that really is the key.
SO! That being said, here are just a few questions and tips for you and your spouse to look over together and decide how you both can lead in the best ways possible.
- Ask yourself, “Where are areas that I know I’m lacking something (whether that’s a skill, a way of thinking, etc.)? Can my spouse help fulfill that need in our relationship?
- When my spouse is leading us, do I ever feel any resentment toward them? In what ways?
- Define each of your roles in your marriage and decide who gets to lead what/when.
- Once you’ve set boundaries around leading in certain areas, DO NOT overstep those guidelines! Trust your spouse to do it well and to do it their way.
- Do your best to gain a little humility. Ask your spouse to lead in ways you know you can’t (or shouldn’t).
Learning how to lead in a new marriage is hard. I promise there will be times you will accidentally pin your spouse under a tree, steer you both in the wrong direction, or maybe sink the boat altogether. But the key to a successful relationship is understanding that, as a team, it’s going to take some time to grow together, communicate strongly, and lead each other well. Thank goodness you get to figure it out together, spiders, scratches, and all.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
There is pretty much nothing more exciting and scary than thinking about crossing the threshold into your freshman year of college. Your parents won’t be telling you what time to get up or that you need to study. You can stay out as late as you like with whomever you like. Don’t feel like going to class? No problemo. The professor isn’t going to report you and your parents will never know. FREEDOM!
We asked some recent college grads what most surprised them about their freshman year, and here are some things they wished they had known:
ROOMMATES
95% of college freshmen have never shared a room with anybody, so you have to figure out how to communicate, handle conflict, respect each other’s differences and create clear boundaries. This is easier said than done, but worth the discussion for sure.
ABOUT YOUR PARENTS…
They may only be a phone call away, but they shouldn’t be coming onto campus to do your laundry, making sure you get to class, nagging you to study or setting up a party so you can get to know people. This is truly your chance to take advantage of what you’ve learned and put it into practice.
BE PREPARED TO:
- Know how to do your laundry.
- Live on a budget.
- Manage your time. Don’t let the freedom go to your head.
- Go to class.
- Get involved in a few organizations to help you meet people.
- Avoid the temptation to go home every weekend.
ALCOHOL, DRUGS… AND SEX
No matter where you go to school, you might be shocked at the drug and alcohol scene. You may choose to stay away from it, but your roommate might not. (And it can definitely impact your relationship…) If you do choose to participate, don’t underestimate the kinds of things that can happen when you are under the influence. Chances are great that you will participate in behavior you otherwise would not get involved in.
Use your head. If you go to a party, get your own drink. Before you go somewhere alone, tell someone where you are going or even better – take somebody with you.
You should familiarize yourself with your college’s sexual misconduct policy and definition of consent and know what a healthy relationship looks like. Think about your boundaries ahead of time.
Maybe you want to do some things differently at college, or perhaps there are some friendships you know you need to leave behind.
Freshman year is an opportunity for a fresh start and greater independence. Take this time to become who you really want to be and surround yourself with people who will help you reach your goals. The next four years are laying a foundation for your future, and how you spend your college years really does matter.
Sometimes, truth be told, the whole thing is super overwhelming, but nobody wants to admit that’s the case. If you ever feel like you’re in over your head, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are plenty of free resources on campus to help you adjust to campus life.
Is it even possible to fight nice with your spouse?
When my kids were younger and they disagreed (or worse) I would tell them, “Boys, fight nice!”
This always got concerned looks from any other parents hanging around. “Shouldn’t you be telling them not to fight?”
“Nope,” I would stand my ground. “I want them to learn how to fight constructively, how to fight fair, to learn how to compromise and work it out themselves. To fight nice.”
Do you and your spouse fight nice?
You are both individuals with different personalities, opinions, likes and dislikes, and needs. Disagreements should be expected and viewed as natural and healthy. There may be some things that you never agree on, and that’s OK. It’s good to ask, “Is this really a problem to be solved, or a tension to be managed throughout our marriage?” That question can be a helpful fight-stopper.
So how do the two of you as a couple currently navigate those inevitable disagreements? Maybe you guys get loud and animated. OK, some people are just loud and animated. That can be completely different than being intimidating, mean, spiteful and hurtful. That’s definitely NOT fighting nice. (Sometimes talking about how your parents handled disagreements when you were growing up can be illuminating to how you yourself – and your spouse – currently handle a disagreement.)
To The People Who Claim They Never Fight With Their Spouse
Was your wedding like, yesterday? (I’m still skeptical…)
You never fight? Really? Never? Maybe you are hung up on the word “fight.” Do you ever argue? Disagree passionately? Discuss heatedly? OK. Interesting.
Well, let me ask you this: Do you make decisions jointly? Do you ever discuss money or sex or parenting? Do both of you have power and a voice in the relationship?
Often, when couples say they never fight, it isn’t because they are both just super-ultra-mega nice or they have the “perfect” marriage. Usually, the dynamics of those relationships involve one person who dominates all the decision-making and one person that just bottles everything up and goes along. One spouse has the power, has the voice in the relationship, and the other spouse has neither. That’s not a healthy relationship. Learn to fight nice. It can actually strengthen your marriage.
Here’s another great question to ask yourselves: “Is it the two of us against the problem, or the two of us against each other?” This question alone can change the trajectory of each issue, and ultimately, your marriage!
Even if you do answer these questions openly and honestly with yourself and your spouse, conflict will always be there. Fights will still happen. So what do you do when they come? Here are 10 rules you and your spouse can follow so that you can fight nice:
10 Rules For Fighting Nice
- Keep it about the problem, not the person.
- Don’t use words like “never” or “always.” It’s never true.
- Don’t intimidate, manipulate, or threaten your spouse.
- It should NEVER get physical. That’s domestic violence.
- Winning the argument isn’t worth losing your spouse.
- Don’t bring up past, settled issues or re-open healed wounds.
- Make sure BOTH of you have space to express yourself and feel heard.
- Compromise. You both should feel like you gave a little and got a little.
- Apologize and forgive. (Maybe some of the fighting wasn’t so nice.)
- End by reaffirming your love for each other. When the fight finishes, consider it done.
Remember – disagreements, debates, arguments, heated discussions, even good ol’ fashioned fights are part of every marriage.
It might seem impossible in the heat of the moment, but they can be an opportunity to grow closer together and don’t have to drive you apart. The key is how you handle them. Sometime when both of you are calm cool and collected, have a conversation and agree to some rules for fightin’ nice.
Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Know Whether We Should Get Engaged or Not
Considering these things can help you make a choice that's good for you.
Am I ready to be married… to this guy?
Should I take the next step of marriage with her?
Am I sure? Is he ready?
We get along well, but his career isn’t off the ground yet.
She and I have so much fun together. But she isn’t sure if she wants to live in the city or the suburbs.
I believe that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But the rest of my life may be a long time.
How can I make the perfect decision at the perfect time about the perfect person so that I may have a perfect life?
I get it. Deciding to get engaged or not is huge.
No, it’s not marriage, but it’s a major (and I mean major) step in that direction. Often, there’s a ring, engagement parties, questions about a timeline, etc. The news is blasted on social media. Everyone is celebrating that THE RIGHT PERSON has been found.
And after all that, other things follow… questions, judgments, self-doubts, uncertainty, and the risk of humiliation and failure.
Questions like, “What if I’m not ready? What if I don’t know my partner well enough? What if there’s still more within me that I need to work out?”
These are all valid questions! But I’m not sure they’re the only questions you’ll want to be asking.
Approaching engagement and marriage from the perspective of making the right choice RISK-FREE may set you up for disappointment. And trying to check all the boxes on your never-ending personal and relational checklist might leave you marriage-less.
There’s no exhaustive list to foolproof your engagement decision. But as a married man who’s also a premarital education facilitator/coach, I can offer you some things to think about…
Consider these things:
Do you feel genuinely safe with this person?
Can you be your whole emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical self with them? Are you able to be vulnerable? Or do you hold back because you’re not sure how they’ll react? Does your prospective spouse walk with you through your emotions to help you grow as an individual? Are you a better person because of this relationship?
Is this someone you want to learn how to do life with?
Notice, I didn’t ask if this is someone you can do life with. Is he or she bringing a healthy version of themselves into the relationship? If so, you’re both more likely to learn how to navigate through all life’s ups, downs, successes and failures. You have no idea what the future holds. But while you’re dating, you can see how your prospective spouse handles life’s challenges. Is selfishness an issue? Do you value one another’s thoughts, feelings and wants? How do you handle the unexpected as a couple?
Are we both ready to help one another be our best selves?
If you’re looking for marriage to complete you, then once again, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. But if you love this person so much that you want to bring all of yourself into a marriage to love, support, and encourage them, then you may be in a good place. Are you ready for THAT? Are you secure enough to not lose yourself in that journey?
Don’t try to find these answers alone.
Talk to healthy married couples and close family. Discuss these things with your best friends and with the one you’re thinking about getting engaged to. Don’t necessarily look to them for answers. Instead, let them help you talk through your thoughts, fears, and emotions.
There’s nothing wrong with premarital education BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED.
I know many who appreciated doing marriage prep before they made a decision. It prevented a lot of embarrassment from calling off an engagement after realizing that this wasn’t the person they wanted to marry. No rule says you can’t have these conversations before getting engaged. And if you have these conversations before you take that next big step, you’re more likely to enjoy the journey and be at peace with your decisions.
Looking for more engagement resources? Click here!
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“Happy anniversary!” she said as she threw a gift to (at) me while I laid in bed watching television. My wife had waited until midnight on our anniversary just to make absolutely certain that I had forgotten our special day.
You’ve seen it in a movie or on television- someone has forgotten their wedding anniversary (ALWAYS the husband) and at the last minute they try to save face and come up with some gift or at least a sorry excuse to get out of it. Well, my wife had obviously seen those shows, too – and she vindictively made sure I had no chance whatsoever.
As the clock struck midnight, the day had come and gone and I was officially THAT husband.
Was she angry and hurt? Absolutely, and justifiably so! Did I feel awful? You bet. Was our relationship um… tense for a while? Oh, you better believe it. Listen, in over 25 years of marriage, we have hurt each other in far worse ways. We have left scars. We laugh about The Forgotten Anniversary now, but we have done some things to each other that are absolutely not funny. Heck, we have both done things that many people these days would say are easily divorce-worthy.
But we are still together and happy and closer than ever. Our relationship has been strengthened by working through those hard, sometimes heartbreaking difficulties. We’ve bent but have never broken.
You see, from Day 1, we agreed that the “D word,” divorce, was not an option. It just wasn’t ever on the table.
We know we are not alone in our struggles. Have you ever thought any of the following in your marriage?
- This used to be fun. It isn’t fun anymore.
- We’ve just grown apart, simple as that.
- I just don’t feel it anymore.
- The romance, the warm, fuzzy feeling is gone.
- I wish my husband/wife was more like _______.
- I fell in love but now I’ve fallen out of it.
- Marriage just isn’t what I expected or hoped it would be.
- Maybe we both would be happier starting over with other people.
I’ll be honest – at some point I have thought ALL of those thoughts. I’m pretty sure my wife has also. (I’m too afraid to ask and confirm it. Why stir the pot, right?) Yet we have hung in there for 25 years, sometimes just surviving, other times thriving. How do we do it? Have we cracked the “marriage code?” Are we special? Nope.
We survived because we both agreed that divorce was never going to be an option. It just wasn’t ever even a consideration. We wouldn’t let it happen.
So… that just leaves a lot of intentional, hard work:
- Learning how to manage conflict and how to communicate.
- Learning that love is an action, not a feeling.
- Having friends that are for your marriage.
- Learning to say things like “Sorry” and “I forgive you.”
- Having older couples as mentors.
- Not keeping score and not looking to “even” it.
So many marriages are built on a wishbone.
I wish he was different, I wish our marriage was more fun, I wish she would change, I wish I still felt that romance. I wish, I wish, I wish. But there is no “marital wishbone.” Wishbones won’t support you, especially during the hard times.
Instead, you need a “marital backbone.”
Backbone means, I understand no marriage is perfect and no person is perfect, even me. Backbone means we will keep working at it, get help, hang in there and have the hard conversations. It remembers that we made promises to each other. Most of all, marital backbone means doing the loving thing – even when we absolutely don’t feel like it.
(Yes, even when he forgets your anniversary.)
Marriage can be hard work. But what if you put your backbone into it?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Looking for more resources for your marriage? Click here!
Everyone has bad days and faces challenges in life, and we all need encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes in our efforts to be helpful and to avoid awkwardness, we say things like, “Look at the bright side of things,” or “Think positive.” While well-intentioned, the words may not be super helpful. We need to be more supportive.
The reality is, allowing people to be vulnerable, open and honest about where they are can be a real gift. We live in a world where 1 in 4 people struggles with anxiety about different aspects of life. Just telling them to be positive or pointing out what we see as the “silver lining” does not provide a solution or make things better for them.
What might be more helpful than mere words is your presence as they walk the road.
Acknowledge the reality at hand by being there and by saying, “I can tell this is so hard,” or “In the midst of the storm, it is hard to see past all the challenges.” Asking, “What can you do for yourself today that will be comforting as you try and sort things out?” can also make a world of difference in how they view the situation.
Whitney Hawkins Goodman, licensed marriage and family therapist, posted a graphic on Instagram containing common positive statements that are meant to be helpful, but might not necessarily be beneficial to someone who is really struggling. She contrasted those statements with ones that offer validation and hope instead.
Instead of saying, “See the good in everything,” Goodman suggests trying, “It’s probably really hard to see any good in this situation.
We’ll make sense of it later.” Or, instead of, “Just be positive,” what about, “I know there’s a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?” The truth is, it’s super hard to see the good in anything when you literally can’t see your way out of the pit. With these statements, you aren’t trying to sugarcoat the problem, and you are giving them the opportunity to consider whether there is potential for something good to happen.
Think about the hard times in your own life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe to express yourself because you aren’t sure how another person will respond. What we are looking for in moments like this is empathy.
It can be uncomfortable to see someone you care about struggling. What you really want to do is fix the problem, but you can’t and usually you shouldn’t. In the midst of not being sure what to say or do, our tendency is to “Don’t just sit there; Do something.” Perhaps in this instance we should turn the tables and say, “Don’t do something; Just sit there.
It’s freeing for both parties if you are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and get into the trenches with them, even if you can’t fix it for them.
However, you can listen, hold their hand and help them find perspective. In doing so, you are allowing them to feel what they feel without inadvertently being judgmental or condescending, and that is powerful.
Sometimes we underestimate the power of just showing up. You don’t have to have all the right words. Nor do you have to figure out best next steps. It’s OK not to be OK sometimes.
As I think back to when my children were first born, there are many memories that come to mind of being bombarded with all the things that babies need. I remember attending a presentation for a $1,000 high chair. It was implied that if I didn’t purchase the high chair, I really didn’t love or wasn’t very concerned about the safety of my child. And I’ll admit, I began to struggle with the paradox of what my child needs versus what I, in my parenting, want my child to have.
If I were keeping it totally honest, I really wanted that high chair. Not for all the safety reasons or the fact that it would grow with my child, but the honest truth was I thought it made me look good to others. I heard messages that said to be a good parent, you provide what your children NEED, but even more so what they WANT.
Let’s talk about this struggle.
I should’ve owned stock in LeapFrog due to the number of their electronic toys that I purchased for my son, only because they were educational and would help with his language skills, color recognition, etc., or so I thought. I felt so disheartened when I found him playing with an empty 2-liter bottle rather than the toys I bought.
That was a pivotal point for me. I recognized that I was seeking external approval from friends and family rather than looking inside, and I realized what I was really teaching my sons. While I had taught them that they could have everything they wanted, I never taught them that there was a difference between a want and a need.
I composed a list of things that my sons really need from me, emotionally. It included:
- Love
- Time with me
- Support
- Discipline (teaching)
- Comfort
- Consistency
- Teaching them values of hard work, sacrifice, persistence, grit, etc.
That was the easy part. The hard part was changing the expectations and behaviors of my sons. Every time we went to a store, their expectation was to get something because they WANTED it. Really, they wanted it because I taught them to expect it by usually getting them something. They didn’t like the word NO.
After one especially rough trip, we had a meeting of the minds.
- I no longer took them to the store with me.
- I explained to them the difference between a want and a need in practical terms.
For example…
Need: Food (home-cooked); Want: Eating Out
Need: Shoes; Want: $200 name-brand that you are going to outgrow in 3 months.
Need: Uniforms for school; Want: Name-brand pants that you are going to get grass stains in and holes in the knee.
You get the idea.
As I look back, I’m so glad I made that pivot.
Even though that $1,000 high chair was fancy, I can’t put a dollar value on the lessons learned. My sons have grown into young men who know their worth doesn’t come from things like the right shoes or clothes or cars. And when they start parenting, they will know the difference between a want and a need.
Looking for more parenting resources? Click here!
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