Tag Archive for: Relationships

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Tips for Getting Through Your Freshman Year of College

There is pretty much nothing more exciting and scary than thinking about crossing the threshold into your freshman year of college. Your parents won’t be telling you what time to get up or that you need to study. You can stay out as late as you like with whomever you like. Don’t feel like going to class? No problemo. The professor isn’t going to report you and your parents will never know. FREEDOM!

We asked some recent college grads what most surprised them about their freshman year, and here are some things they wished they had known:

ROOMMATES

95% of college freshmen have never shared a room with anybody, so you have to figure out how to communicate, handle conflict, respect each other’s differences and create clear boundaries. This is easier said than done, but worth the discussion for sure.

ABOUT YOUR PARENTS…

They may only be a phone call away, but they shouldn’t be coming onto campus to do your laundry, making sure you get to class, nagging you to study or setting up a party so you can get to know people. This is truly your chance to take advantage of what you’ve learned and put it into practice.

BE PREPARED TO:

  • Know how to do your laundry.
  • Live on a budget.
  • Manage your time. Don’t let the freedom go to your head.
  • Go to class.
  • Get involved in a few organizations to help you meet people.
  • Avoid the temptation to go home every weekend. 

ALCOHOL, DRUGS… AND SEX

No matter where you go to school, you might be shocked at the drug and alcohol scene. You may choose to stay away from it, but your roommate might not. (And it can definitely impact your relationship…) If you do choose to participate, don’t underestimate the kinds of things that can happen when you are under the influence. Chances are great that you will participate in behavior you otherwise would not get involved in.

Use your head. If you go to a party, get your own drink. Before you go somewhere alone, tell someone where you are going or even better – take somebody with you.

You should familiarize yourself with your college’s sexual misconduct policy and definition of consent and know what a healthy relationship looks like. Think about your boundaries ahead of time. 

Maybe you want to do some things differently at college, or perhaps there are some friendships you know you need to leave behind.

Freshman year is an opportunity for a fresh start and greater independence. Take this time to become who you really want to be and surround yourself with people who will help you reach your goals. The next four years are laying a foundation for your future, and how you spend your college years really does matter.

Sometimes, truth be told, the whole thing is super overwhelming, but nobody wants to admit that’s the case. If you ever feel like you’re in over your head, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are plenty of free resources on campus to help you adjust to campus life.

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4 Steps to Having A Mindful Marriage

Do you have a mindful marriage? Here’s how to find out…

Pop Quiz! How would your spouse answer the following questions right now?

  • What is their primary motivator at the moment?
  • Their biggest fear or concern?
  • What is the dream that is driving them?
  • What is their biggest source of frustration?
  • How do they feel about the health of your relationship?

If you have a hard time knowing how your spouse would answer those questions, is it possible that you are not as mindful of your spouse the way that you used to be? Is your marriage on “auto-pilot?” Has your life become so busy that you are not continuing to connect deeply with your spouse?

Having a “mindful marriage” means making the deliberate choice to be “in the moment” with your spouse, prioritizing your connection and minimizing distractions so that you can really give them your attention, stay close and keep your relationship healthy.

Having a “mindful marriage” doesn’t just happen. Our lives are so demanding and busy that it is easy for us to be “mind-full” of a million things instead of our spouse. There have definitely been times where I have felt more like the co-owner of a small business with my wife than I have felt intimately connected to her in my marriage. Conversations turn into little business meetings: “Did you pay that bill? It’s our turn to bring snacks to soccer practice. We are having dinner with the Smiths Friday. Did you run to the store?” Then on to the next thing…

We keep “Family, Inc.” running as smoothly as we can, but our marital relationship stagnates, or worse: we can even begin to drift apart.

4 Ways to Have a More Mindful Marriage

1. Make Routines Work For You

My wife and I have developed a bedtime routine that is simple and helps us stay connected. Your routine might be totally different. Before anyone dozes off, we ask each other the following questions and make sure that we are truly listening to the answers:

  • What was the best part of your day?
  • What was the hardest or most frustrating part of your day?
  • Is there anything we need to talk through? (We might set a time to have the actual conversation.)
  • We say “I love you” and “Goodnight.” (Then I might go watch the end of a game since I am a Night-Owl.) This routine or tradition has been wonderful and helps us focus on each other and keep our relationship grounded.

2. Set Boundaries For Technology

Technology is often the biggest obstacle to a mindful marriage. Our phones allow us to be constantly reached or distracted by notifications. There is always a screen nearby with something interesting on it. Keep technology in its place and protect mealtime, bedtime, some time, for actual conversations with your spouse.

3. Have a Regular Date Night and Protect It

It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate or expensive. Just make sure there is a time when your spouse is your sole focus. Early in our marriage, we have shared a soda at the food court and just talked. We have had “in-house” dates. Prioritize this time and don’t let hectic schedules squeeze it out.

4. Be Deliberate

This is the whole point of a mindful marriage. Healthy, growing relationships don’t just happen. 

It’s hard! Don’t beat yourself up! The reality is that our minds are filled up with good stuff – things related to work, friends, hobbies. Truthfully, it often is family-related. Just don’t let family business squeeze the focus from family members. Wait until you see the reaction when your spouse realizes that you are truly focusing on them and giving them all your attention. You’ll be mindful that it is absolutely worth it!

Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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10 Rules To “Fight Nice” With Your Spouse

Is it even possible to fight nice with your spouse?

When my kids were younger and they disagreed (or worse) I would tell them, “Boys, fight nice!”

This always got concerned looks from any other parents hanging around. “Shouldn’t you be telling them not to fight?”

“Nope,” I would stand my ground. “I want them to learn how to fight constructively, how to fight fair, to learn how to compromise and work it out themselves. To fight nice.”

Do you and your spouse fight nice?

You are both individuals with different personalities, opinions, likes and dislikes, and needs. Disagreements should be expected and viewed as natural and healthy. There may be some things that you never agree on, and that’s OK. It’s good to ask, “Is this really a problem to be solved, or a tension to be managed throughout our marriage?” That question can be a helpful fight-stopper.

So how do the two of you as a couple currently navigate those inevitable disagreements? Maybe you guys get loud and animated. OK, some people are just loud and animated. That can be completely different than being intimidating, mean, spiteful and hurtful. That’s definitely NOT fighting nice. (Sometimes talking about how your parents handled disagreements when you were growing up can be illuminating to how you yourself – and your spouse – currently handle a disagreement.)

To The People Who Claim They Never Fight With Their Spouse

Was your wedding like, yesterday? (I’m still skeptical…)

You never fight? Really? Never? Maybe you are hung up on the word “fight.” Do you ever argue? Disagree passionately? Discuss heatedly? OK. Interesting.

Well, let me ask you this: Do you make decisions jointly? Do you ever discuss money or sex or parenting? Do both of you have power and a voice in the relationship?

Often, when couples say they never fight, it isn’t because they are both just super-ultra-mega nice or they have the “perfect” marriage. Usually, the dynamics of those relationships involve one person who dominates all the decision-making and one person that just bottles everything up and goes along. One spouse has the power, has the voice in the relationship, and the other spouse has neither. That’s not a healthy relationship. Learn to fight nice. It can actually strengthen your marriage.

Here’s another great question to ask yourselves: “Is it the two of us against the problem, or the two of us against each other?” This question alone can change the trajectory of each issue, and ultimately, your marriage!

Even if you do answer these questions openly and honestly with yourself and your spouse, conflict will always be there. Fights will still happen. So what do you do when they come? Here are 10 rules you and your spouse can follow so that you can fight nice:

10 Rules For Fighting Nice

  • Keep it about the problem, not the person.
  • Don’t use words like “never” or “always.” It’s never true.
  • Don’t intimidate, manipulate, or threaten your spouse.
  • It should NEVER get physical. That’s domestic violence.
  • Winning the argument isn’t worth losing your spouse.
  • Don’t bring up past, settled issues or re-open healed wounds.
  • Make sure BOTH of you have space to express yourself and feel heard.
  • Compromise. You both should feel like you gave a little and got a little.
  • Apologize and forgive. (Maybe some of the fighting wasn’t so nice.)
  • End by reaffirming your love for each other. When the fight finishes, consider it done.

Remember – disagreements, debates, arguments, heated discussions, even good ol’ fashioned fights are part of every marriage.

It might seem impossible in the heat of the moment, but they can be an opportunity to grow closer together and don’t have to drive you apart. The key is how you handle them. Sometime when both of you are calm cool and collected, have a conversation and agree to some rules for fightin’ nice.

Looking for more marriage resources? Click here!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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How to Know Whether We Should Get Engaged or Not

Considering these things can help you make a choice that's good for you.

Am I ready to be married… to this guy?

Should I take the next step of marriage with her?

Am I sure? Is he ready?

We get along well, but his career isn’t off the ground yet.

She and I have so much fun together. But she isn’t sure if she wants to live in the city or the suburbs.

I believe that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But the rest of my life may be a long time.

How can I make the perfect decision at the perfect time about the perfect person so that I may have a perfect life?

I get it. Deciding to get engaged or not is huge.

No, it’s not marriage, but it’s a major (and I mean major) step in that direction. Often, there’s a ring, engagement parties, questions about a timeline, etc. The news is blasted on social media. Everyone is celebrating that THE RIGHT PERSON has been found. 

And after all that, other things follow… questions, judgments, self-doubts, uncertainty, and the risk of humiliation and failure.

Questions like, “What if I’m not ready? What if I don’t know my partner well enough? What if there’s still more within me that I need to work out?” 

These are all valid questions! But I’m not sure they’re the only questions you’ll want to be asking.

Approaching engagement and marriage from the perspective of making the right choice RISK-FREE may set you up for disappointment. And trying to check all the boxes on your never-ending personal and relational checklist might leave you marriage-less.

There’s no exhaustive list to foolproof your engagement decision. But as a married man who’s also a premarital education facilitator/coach, I can offer you some things to think about…

Consider these things:

Do you feel genuinely safe with this person?

Can you be your whole emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical self with them? Are you able to be vulnerable? Or do you hold back because you’re not sure how they’ll react? Does your prospective spouse walk with you through your emotions to help you grow as an individual? Are you a better person because of this relationship?

Is this someone you want to learn how to do life with?

Notice, I didn’t ask if this is someone you can do life with. Is he or she bringing a healthy version of themselves into the relationship? If so, you’re both more likely to learn how to navigate through all life’s ups, downs, successes and failures. You have no idea what the future holds. But while you’re dating, you can see how your prospective spouse handles life’s challenges. Is selfishness an issue? Do you value one another’s thoughts, feelings and wants? How do you handle the unexpected as a couple?

Are we both ready to help one another be our best selves? 

If you’re looking for marriage to complete you, then once again, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. But if you love this person so much that you want to bring all of yourself into a marriage to love, support, and encourage them, then you may be in a good place. Are you ready for THAT? Are you secure enough to not lose yourself in that journey?

Don’t try to find these answers alone. 

Talk to healthy married couples and close family. Discuss these things with your best friends and with the one you’re thinking about getting engaged to. Don’t necessarily look to them for answers. Instead, let them help you talk through your thoughts, fears, and emotions.

There’s nothing wrong with premarital education BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED. 

I know many who appreciated doing marriage prep before they made a decision. It prevented a lot of embarrassment from calling off an engagement after realizing that this wasn’t the person they wanted to marry. No rule says you can’t have these conversations before getting engaged. And if you have these conversations before you take that next big step, you’re more likely to enjoy the journey and be at peace with your decisions.

Looking for more engagement resources? Click here!

Image from Pexels.com

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Does Your Marriage Have Backbone?

“Happy anniversary!” she said as she threw a gift to (at) me while I laid in bed watching television. My wife had waited until midnight on our anniversary just to make absolutely certain that I had forgotten our special day.

You’ve seen it in a movie or on television- someone has forgotten their wedding anniversary (ALWAYS the husband) and at the last minute they try to save face and come up with some gift or at least a sorry excuse to get out of it. Well, my wife had obviously seen those shows, too – and she vindictively made sure I had no chance whatsoever.

As the clock struck midnight, the day had come and gone and I was officially THAT husband.

Was she angry and hurt? Absolutely, and justifiably so! Did I feel awful? You bet. Was our relationship um… tense for a while? Oh, you better believe it. Listen, in over 25 years of marriage, we have hurt each other in far worse ways. We have left scars. We laugh about The Forgotten Anniversary now, but we have done some things to each other that are absolutely not funny. Heck, we have both done things that many people these days would say are easily divorce-worthy.

But we are still together and happy and closer than ever. Our relationship has been strengthened by working through those hard, sometimes heartbreaking difficulties. We’ve bent but have never broken.

You see, from Day 1, we agreed that the “D word,” divorce, was not an option. It just wasn’t ever on the table.

We know we are not alone in our struggles. Have you ever thought any of the following in your marriage?

  • This used to be fun. It isn’t fun anymore.
  • We’ve just grown apart, simple as that.
  • I just don’t feel it anymore.
  • The romance, the warm, fuzzy feeling is gone.
  • I wish my husband/wife was more like _______.
  • I fell in love but now I’ve fallen out of it.
  • Marriage just isn’t what I expected or hoped it would be.
  • Maybe we both would be happier starting over with other people.

I’ll be honest – at some point I have thought ALL of those thoughts. I’m pretty sure my wife has also. (I’m too afraid to ask and confirm it. Why stir the pot, right?) Yet we have hung in there for 25 years, sometimes just surviving, other times thriving. How do we do it? Have we cracked the “marriage code?” Are we special? Nope.

We survived because we both agreed that divorce was never going to be an option. It just wasn’t ever even a consideration. We wouldn’t let it happen.

So… that just leaves a lot of intentional, hard work:

  • Learning how to manage conflict and how to communicate.
  • Learning that love is an action, not a feeling.
  • Having friends that are for your marriage.
  • Learning to say things like “Sorry” and “I forgive you.”
  • Having older couples as mentors.
  • Not keeping score and not looking to “even” it.

So many marriages are built on a wishbone.

I wish he was different, I wish our marriage was more fun, I wish she would change, I wish I still felt that romance. I wish, I wish, I wish. But there is no “marital wishbone.” Wishbones won’t support you, especially during the hard times.

Instead, you need a “marital backbone.” 

Backbone means, I understand no marriage is perfect and no person is perfect, even me. Backbone means we will keep working at it, get help, hang in there and have the hard conversations. It remembers that we made promises to each other. Most of all, marital backbone means doing the loving thing – even when we absolutely don’t feel like it.

(Yes, even when he forgets your anniversary.)

Marriage can be hard work. But what if you put your backbone into it?

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Looking for more resources for your marriage? Click here!

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5 Things You HAVE To Do The Morning of Your Wedding (Part 2)

Your wedding day is one of the most stressful times of the engagement season. But there are things you can do the morning of your wedding to help you relax and enjoy the day!

Picture this: For two years you’ve been planning this awesome party for all your friends and family to enjoy.

You’ve got everything completely lined up, from the menu for the day to the height of every candle. Everyone involved has a detailed spreadsheet of where they need to be and when, and you are excited beyond belief! Not only will you get to hang out with all your favorite people, but you get to MARRY your most favorite person! Can it get much better than that?!

However, there’s this (ever so slight) hint of fear that’s always looming over. There’s a lot that could go wrong the morning of your wedding in all those details! And, on top of that, everyone constantly tells you that something will go wrong, and you’re just expected to accept that. Even more, you’re making a life-long commitment to one person that you’ve known for less than your family’s known you. It’s a big deal!

But there are a few things you can do to soothe those worries, calm your nerves, and fully enjoy the day! It requires focused attention to your emotional and mental needs, but here are 5 ways you can do just that!

To care for your emotional and mental needs the morning of your wedding:

  • Do some breathing exercises as soon as you wake up. And, if you have even just one extra minute, lie in bed and take a sec to really realize what’s happening today. Don’t run through the list of things to happen or panic about all that can go wrong. Just take in the fact that you’re marrying your best friend!
  • Have a poppin’ playlist ready to go! Your bridal party is going to want to get excited with you before you walk down the aisle! If you have too much on your plate, give the job to a friend – but just make sure you’re not taking it too seriously. Plus, singing and dancing will help with your stress levels, too!
  • Schedule time with your bridal party to have fun. Whether that means playing some card games or just sharing your favorite memories of the bride/groom, it’s a great way to distract you from the craziness around you and enjoy the time with your girls/guys!
  • Remember that it’s only one day. No matter what happens, it will all be done with in 24 hours. And, as long as you and your love are married by the end of the day, what else really matters? (The answer is nothing, in case you were wondering…)
  • Unplug from all devices. Even better, just pack your phone in your honeymoon bag! Give all the important contact info to a friend and trust that everyone will be able to figure things out. You need to focus on the only thing that matters: becoming one with your spouse – not whether or not your guests are supposed to follow the parking signs you put out, or just make their own path (which they’re going to do anyway, trust me). You don’t need the extra stress, so just avoid it all together from the beginning!

A wedding day really can be the happiest day of your life!

There is so much that goes into this one day, but it is truly worth it. And besides, once it’s over, you’ll have a spouse to adventure through life with! Hopefully, with the help of these 5 tips, you and your love can fully enjoy your special day and all that comes with it.

*(This is part two of a series. To see the first part, click here!)

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5 Things You HAVE To Do The Morning of Your Wedding (Part 1)

These tips can help you care for yourself on the big day!

Wedding planning: The thing that everyone tells you to enjoy, but you more so feel like you’re drowning without a lifeline. BUT you’ve made it! You’ve finally arrived to the morning of your wedding day! It’s here! Now… what was that thing you HAD to tell your DJ today? And why have THREE people asked you for your florist’s phone number?? And WHERE is your maid of honor?!?

The morning of a wedding can be kind of a mess! But I have some fresh tips to share with you!

Regardless of whether you yourself are about to be in this position or if you only know someone who is, there are 5 things the bride and groom can do the morning of the wedding to help fill their physical needs. (I’m NOT saying, though that these things will make everything run smoothly, I’m just saying they’ll help.) Anyway, without further ado… Here are 5 things you NEED to do the morning of the wedding! (By the way, this is the first part of a series. To see the second piece about caring for your emotional and mental needs, click here!)

Here are the first five things to care for your physical needs the morning of your wedding:

1. Drink. Water. And. Eat. Food.

This one might seem pretty obvious right now, but trust me. You’ll need to be reminded. Have your bridesmaids/groomsmen, mom, or whoever else is by your side throughout the day carry some snacks and water on them and periodically feed you! Trust me, no one wants a fainting bride or groom. (Pro Tip: Brides, bring a straw so you don’t mess up your lipstick!)

2. Only drink ONE cup of coffee, if any.

If coffee is part of your regular routine, don’t just cut it out together! Having a caffeine headache on the day of your wedding would not be pleasant. However, be sure to limit your intake. You’re going to be jittery enough as it is, and you won’t need caffeine’s help on that one!

3. Bring an emergency kit.

These can seriously be a life saver. I once had the zipper of a bridesmaid dress completely burst open 5 minutes before we walked down the aisle. The only way I made it through it was because someone was smart enough to pack a sewing kit in the emergency supplies. If you need a list, here’s a good one!

4. Practice your vows.

Whether you’re goin’ old school traditional or you chose to write your own, practicing those words (out loud!) will help prevent you from fumbling over them in just a few hours. Even though saying “waffely wedded wife” is funny, it’s still a little embarrassing…

5. Make someone in charge of getting your honeymoon items into the getaway car.

It might work that you yourself can do that, but having a friend double check is always a great idea! Have a list of what they need to check on before the send-off so that you don’t have to make an emergency trip back to your place (or worse, the venue) to grab whatever you forgot! (Bonus tip: Put someone in charge of taking your veil and bouquet, too!)

Don’t forget that this day is once-in-a-lifetime!

If you’re panicking about the suitcase you forgot or passed out on the stage from lack of food, it might not be the fondest of memories to look back on. To take a look at how you can fill your emotional and mental needs the morning of your wedding, click here!

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How to Be More Supportive

Everyone has bad days and faces challenges in life, and we all need encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes in our efforts to be helpful and to avoid awkwardness, we say things like, “Look at the bright side of things,” or “Think positive.” While well-intentioned, the words may not be super helpful. We need to be more supportive.

The reality is, allowing people to be vulnerable, open and honest about where they are can be a real gift. We live in a world where 1 in 4 people struggles with anxiety about different aspects of life. Just telling them to be positive or pointing out what we see as the “silver lining” does not provide a solution or make things better for them.

What might be more helpful than mere words is your presence as they walk the road.

Acknowledge the reality at hand by being there and by saying, “I can tell this is so hard,” or “In the midst of the storm, it is hard to see past all the challenges.” Asking, “What can you do for yourself today that will be comforting as you try and sort things out?” can also make a world of difference in how they view the situation.

Whitney Hawkins Goodman, licensed marriage and family therapist, posted a graphic on Instagram containing common positive statements that are meant to be helpful, but might not necessarily be beneficial to someone who is really struggling. She contrasted those statements with ones that offer validation and hope instead.

Instead of saying, “See the good in everything,” Goodman suggests trying, “It’s probably really hard to see any good in this situation.

We’ll make sense of it later.” Or, instead of, “Just be positive,” what about, “I know there’s a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?” The truth is, it’s super hard to see the good in anything when you literally can’t see your way out of the pit. With these statements, you aren’t trying to sugarcoat the problem, and you are giving them the opportunity to consider whether there is potential for something good to happen.

Think about the hard times in your own life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe to express yourself because you aren’t sure how another person will respond. What we are looking for in moments like this is empathy. 

It can be uncomfortable to see someone you care about struggling. What you really want to do is fix the problem, but you can’t and usually you shouldn’t. In the midst of not being sure what to say or do, our tendency is to “Don’t just sit there; Do something.” Perhaps in this instance we should turn the tables and say, “Don’t do something; Just sit there. 

It’s freeing for both parties if you are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and get into the trenches with them, even if you can’t fix it for them.

However, you can listen, hold their hand and help them find perspective. In doing so, you are allowing them to feel what they feel without inadvertently being judgmental or condescending, and that is powerful.

Sometimes we underestimate the power of just showing up. You don’t have to have all the right words. Nor do you have to figure out best next steps. It’s OK not to be OK sometimes.

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