How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
“Of course my child knows I love them!” But do they? Really? To be clear, I’m not questioning whether you love your child; I’m questioning whether your child knows that you love them. Do they know how broad, wide, and deep your love is for them? There’s more to your child feeling loved than saying, “I love you! Goodnight!” every night.
Google Autocomplete can be illuminating. For those unfamiliar with it, as you begin typing a search into Google, Google begins to finish it for you with the most popular searches put into its search engine. So, typing, “How do I get my parents to” will autocomplete with the most popular searches that begin with the same phrase. This particular example is as heartbreaking as it is illuminating.
The number one autocomplete is: How do I get my parents to love me?
★ What would lead kids, tweens, and teens to google ways to get their parents to love them? Is there a disconnect somewhere? Are we overestimating how much affection our kids feel? Are we not communicating love in ways that resonate with our kids? Some kids don’t even think their parents like them, let alone love them. Even if you feel confident that your child knows they are loved, there’s always room to learn more ways to deepen it.
Here’s How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
1. Understand Your Child’s Heart.
- Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a great book, The Five Love Languages of Children, that suggests we all communicate and receive love uniquely. Sometimes the way we communicate love doesn’t match up with how our kids “hear” love and we love right past them. We might be providing tons of loving, affirming words, but our child might really feel loved the most when we spend quality time with them. His website is really helpful and has great resources!
- What do they ask of you? This can provide insights into how they receive affection.
- Do they ask you to come and play with them? (Love = Quality Time.)
- Do they ask if you think the picture they drew is pretty or if you are proud of their report card? (Love = Affirming Words.)
- Do they ask for help with homework or their hair? (Love = Helping Them.)
- How do they express love and affection to you? This also provides insight into their heart and what says, “I love you” to them.
- Do they want to sit in your lap and give you hugs? (Love = Physical Connection.)
- Do they like to make things for you like drawing you a picture or bring you things like a dandelion? (Love = Gifts, Tokens of Affection.)
2. Spend Time With Them.
- We can kid ourselves by saying things like, “I don’t spend a lot of time with my kids, but when I do, I make it count.” It’s great to “make it count” (quality time) but our kids need “a lot” of time, too (quantity time). There really is no substitute. Kids spell “love,” T – I – M – E.
- Be intentional. Look for and even plan for informal time together. Get on the floor and play with their toys with them. Watch them play video games. Take them with you to run errands or hang out with you while you’re working on the car. Lots of bonding happens organically just being together.
3. Expand The Bandwidth Of Your Communication.
- Your words are powerful. Not just what you say but how you say it. Remember, your body isn’t on mute. An angry “Because I said so!” could be a calm “Here’s why this is important…” Don’t underestimate the power of your words in forming your child’s perception of how you feel about them.
- Listen. Really listen. So many kids say their parents talk at them, not with them. You can’t make your child talk to you, but you can be present and create an atmosphere and relational environment where talking is much more likely to take place. Don’t be quick to jump in with a judgment or lecture.
- Say, “I love you.” Not just at bedtime, but say it at times when they don’t expect to hear it—when they’ve done something wrong and have to be corrected, when they are down on themselves and don’t feel lovable, random times like car rides or when they are just walking across the room. It is important that children understand that there is nothing that they can do to make you love them more or love them less.
- Other phrases that say “I love you” without saying “I love you.”
- I believe in you.
- I’m proud of you.
- I’m always here for you.
- I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Whether you know it or not, you are always sending messages revealing how you feel about your kids—and they are paying attention. Think about that for a second. If you think it’s possible that your children might wonder how much you love them, you don’t have to let them wonder. Be intentional and talk with them about it. With loving your kids, make sure it’s a show AND tell.
Dear Wife,
Congratulations on the birth of your new bundle of joy. You and your husband have started a great new chapter in your relationship. I’m sure you have fantasized about having the best family and you are probably looking forward to seeing how great a dad your husband will be.
That’s why I decided to sneak away from my wife and 7 kids and write to you. I want to help you help your husband be the great dad that he is. You see, if you’re anything like my wife and countless other wives I’ve talked to, one of the reasons you married him is because you thought he’d be a great dad. So here are a few things that are good to keep in mind as the two of you join together to raise your new little one.
He wants to be a great dad, too. It just may look different.
The definition of being a great parent may be different for the two of you. And that’s a good thing. When he doesn’t do things the same way you do it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in being a great dad. It’s just different. Notice the things that he does and the way that he does them and be grateful. We change diapers differently. As long as it’s on there well, it’s good. We may put the baby to sleep differently. The way he tests the milk to make sure it’s warm enough may be different. Is the final result a warm bottle? That’s what matters. He wants you to know that it’s important to him that the baby properly wears a diaper, sleeps peacefully, and has warm milk to drink. His path to those results may look different.
Often the strength of the connection between dad and baby takes some time to grow.
Jerrold Shapiro, professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in Santa Clara, Calif., said that it is not uncommon for fathers to experience a delay in bonding with their children shortly after they are born. The baby has been in your womb for potentially 9 months. Your body has released oxytocin which strengthens your bond with your baby. The baby was a part of you.
Lots of guys are more visual. Some may not be as much of a doter when the baby is born. I was jealous of the bond my wife and our first child had in the first few months. When I didn’t have the same desire to hold the baby for hours like she did, I began to think something was wrong with me as a person. I questioned if I loved my child. But then around the 5 or 6-month mark when the baby’s face got more color, she could make facial expressions and talk (at least that’s what she was doing in my mind), I couldn’t get enough of her. Don’t expect him to be like you in his affection for the baby.
It may take him some time to figure out his role and when he does, he may take that role very seriously.
When our babies were born, my wife’s attention was wholeheartedly on the baby and recovery. It seemed as though she could hold the baby forever and do nothing. What was I supposed to do? I was unsure of myself at first. I wanted to be like her. And then I finally figured out my role, which may be different for your husband. However, I realized that I had to help my wife get her rest. I had to regulate how many people visited and how long they stayed. I had to make sure that the other parts of life got whatever attention it needed. And I became vigilant. This is new territory for both of you. The adjustment period takes time. Be patient with him and be thankful.
He can’t relate to you not wanting sex.
My doctor told us we had to wait 6-8 weeks before we had sex after the baby. Not having sex and not wanting to have sex are 2 different things. He probably doesn’t get how you aren’t the least bit interested in having sex. He may ask, get grumpy, or even drop hints. I don’t know what he may do. Your husband may be one of the “great” husbands that simply waits patiently without complaining. (If so, know that you’re the envy of my wife and many other wives.)
My encouragement to everyone else… is just be patient with him. He’ll probably try and be sensitive. He’ll try to understand. He may do good for a couple of days and then his desires may awaken again. He doesn’t—and he can’t—understand. His body didn’t go through what your body did. Never has, never will. Don’t hold that against him. Be patient with him until you’ve recovered enough. Give grace. Consider alternative ways to stay physically intimate during this season. (If this becomes an issue that creates serious tension, talk to a trusted married couple who has children or bring in the professionals.)
Having a baby did not make him a mind reader.
At some point, you may have some resentment for what he is or isn’t doing. He may not move quickly enough to change a diaper. He may not adjust his work schedule as much as you’d like. It may seem as though he’s making you carry a disproportionate amount of the load. The easy thing to do is to build resentment or begin to look at him with contempt and disdain—and next thing you know your marriage is filled with tension. Your husband wants you to know that he can’t read your mind. And there’s a good chance that he isn’t good at catching a hint either. He needs you to talk to him, be open with him, tell how you’re feeling, tell him what you need. Be specific. (Read this blog from a new mom who expected her husband to be a mind reader.)
He has thoughts on parenting as well.
I have met wives who thought they were just naturally the best parent ever.. And they wanted to make sure their husband knew it. According to Pew Research Center, 53% of Americans in 2016 said that mothers do a better job caring for a new baby. Your husband brings more than just his good looks and sexy body to the family. He may or may not have as many thoughts and opinions as you, but he has the ability to work as an equal parent. He needs the opportunity to contribute his thoughts on parenting the child, and he really wants you to work together. Value him as a parent.
Your new baby is a celebration and representation of the love you share and your togetherness. According to research, many couples cite children and parenthood as a major source of disagreement in their marriage. Let these nuggets help your marriage grow stronger as you raise your precious little one together. The best thing you can give your newborn is a healthy, stable marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Every parent at some point has asked the question, “Am I a bad parent?” You’re not alone if you’re thinking about questions like this:
- Am I doing this right?
- What am I doing wrong?
- Why don’t I have enough (time, money, energy) to do this?
- Do I have what it takes to parent my child?
- How have I let their behavior get this far?
- Am I ruining their life, education and future?
Questioning yourself as a parent can be a GOOD thing! (But be careful!)
When we became parents, we dreamed of our child’s future—what type of schools they would attend, the activities that they would participate in, and the friends they would have. Never in that dream did we consider a “global pandemic” or multiple years of listening closesly to CDC guidelines and upheaving our routines time after time again. Let alone how it would affect school, interaction with friends, and our family.
But you deserve Reset Button for yourself and your family. You don’t have to camp out with fear and guilt. But it does require some introspection:
- As a family, what are our priorities?
- What can I control and what can I not control?
- When it comes to my children, what type of relationship do I want?
- What does my child need from me as their parent?
Accept that you did the best that you could.
You’ve made it through years of uncharted territory, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, make it a learning opportunity. Have a family meeting and have a conversation with your children to see how they are doing. Take the emotional temperature of your family. Learn, then let yourself off the hook.
Recognize that there will always be transitions.
Take some time to process how you have changed as a parent and what you may want to change going forward.
From Guilt to Action
Asking yourself these questions can move you from feeling guilty to taking action:
- Am I confusing being a good parent with being a perfect parent?
- Am I taking care of me to be the best version of myself?
- Is the issue really exhaustion from work, virtual schooling and parenting?
- What are the lessons that I can teach my children during this time?
- Am I the parent that my child needs me to be during this time?
Asking yourself these questions can help you learn from this time:
- What have I learned from and about my kids?
- How has my family benefitted from this time?
- What has been a struggle for us?
- How will we as a family be different by this time next year?
- How will I parent differently moving forward?
It’s always good to be trying to improve as a parent, but it is easy to fall into the perfection trap and end up sitting in feelings of fear and guilt. Instead, choose to see the potential for growth.
Do you mind if I pretend we are sitting at a coffee shop, and you just said, I think my teen hates me, and we just have a chat? Cool. Oh, who am I? I’m the father of four kids who were teens and one who still is. (I’m looking forward to being a retired teen parent.) I’ve also spent 25 years in classrooms working with teens. So you’re having coffee with as close to a teen expert as you’re probably going to get in this imaginary coffee shop. It will help if you pretend we are really close friends, too, so I can be pretty blunt with you.
I have so many questions for you, my imaginary coffee partner: What was your relationship with your teen like before now? Have you considered how this unique time may have changed your teen? Have you considered how this unique time may have changed you? Is it possible that something has magnified some pre-existing issues in your relationship? Have you considered that teenagers may be here on earth to trouble their parents?
Bottom Line: Your teen probably doesn’t hate you. But they might.
Let me share the wise words of American author Ralph Waldo Emerson. (By the way, I taught English. Please pass the cream.) Anyway, he says in his essay Self-Reliance that “Every great man must learn how to estimate a sour face.” Paraphrased for our purposes, “Every great parent must learn how to estimate an I hate you from their teen.”
I’m trying to lovingly raise a future independent adult. I’m operating from principles, for a purpose — not for popularity. Some of the wisest things I did as a parent were met with fierce anger from my kids and some of the dumbest things I did as a parent were met with great joy from my kids. I’m not into this parenting thing for an approval rating from someone whose brain literally will not fully develop for a few years. I’m trying to work myself out of a job by preparing my teen for the real world.
So, I’ve had to ask myself if my child was mad at me because I’m doing what’s right as a parent or if my child was mad at me because I blew it and was way out of line and I needed to make it right.
Do I need to stick to my guns or be honest, humble myself, and apologize? That’s kinda why I said: Your teen probably doesn’t hate you. But they might.
Don’t Rush to Judgment.
I wouldn’t rush to any judgments or hard conclusions. You may be really stressing out about the future and your finances. Maybe some things have affected you more than you realize. Maybe you are treating your teen like you don’t like them. Are you taking care of yourself? (Mmm… This is a great latte!)
And don’t forget how things might be affecting your teen. They might be worrying about the future and your finances, too. Or, they might not understand how to process the stress and anxiety that they feel. They might be bored. You become the prime target for them to take out their frustrations.
Finally, there’s the possibility that something else has revealed and even magnified some issues in your relationship with your teen. That’s okay. Face them head-on and capitalize on it to connect or maybe reconnect with your teen. This blog, pretty much written by a teenager, might give you some pointers for connecting with your teen. It was really helpful for me.
One parenting adage remains true: Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Give that equation some real thought. Hang in there. Thanks for having coffee with me.
How to Stay Positive When Everything Seems to Be Falling Apart
We were about a month into our COVID-19 quarantine when it finally happened. There had been some ups and downs, of course, but I was feeling pretty good and able to stay positive as an individual, husband, and father. My family was handling it all surprisingly well. I was getting tons of work done. I felt like I was leading the family well. Then I finally snapped.
During the month or so of quarantine, I had been straining, working from home, fearful about my wife working in the medical field, stressed about a son doing middle school online, anxious about a son doing college online, sad for two adult children out of work, worried about one adult child still working in “essential services,” and totally uneasy about my at-risk mother-in-law. ALL of this under ONE roof. (You catch all the emotions in there? I didn’t.) But we were actually navigating it fairly well and trying to stay positive – movie nights, game nights, lots of good conversations. We got this!
Then it all started to unravel. Then I unraveled. Big time.
In the span of a few days:
- My wife was filing for unemployment.
- We had a brush with a tornado that left us with a yard full of fallen trees.
- We had no power to our house for days.
- My car broke down while I was getting ice to keep food from spoiling. (It all spoiled anyway.)
- We had friends who completely lost their homes and we were heartbroken.
- We had all-new financial pressures.
Things were starting to pile up. Stress and worry were at all new levels.
I ignored it – too much to get done!
After about four days of trying to adjust to Generator Life and a bunch of new problems and expenses, I was soon trying to stay positive and hold my world together with threads and patches.
Then, in a single moment, life came undone. (Of course, it did.) The reality is, I came undone. Ironically, it was actually a relatively small thing that did it. Something so small that it would have been no big deal in any other context. Straw. Camel. Back. You know the saying.
I’ll admit it – I was lying in bed crying with the door locked, feeling fragile and helpless.
How did it get to this? I’m stronger than this! What if anyone in my family sees me like this?
If we can allow ourselves to be honest, vulnerable, transparent humans for just a second, you might be feeling it, too. You might be close to snapping. Maybe you are on the edge of being overwhelmed. You may have already broken down. Your story and circumstances might have some major things going on in them that make my little pity party look pitiful.
What do you do to stay positive when it all seems to fall apart?
Here’s what I learned after I snapped back from my snap:
- Acknowledge your emotions and share them with people that you trust. For a while, I had been suppressing or burying emotions and needs deep down, trying to play it cool, but making myself a ticking time bomb.
- Be real with your kids, your spouse, and your friends, because they have their “moments” too. Kids don’t need their parents to be perfect; they need them to be real. It’s good for them to see you work through imperfection and real-world problems.
- Guard your mindset! Be careful what you look for in life, because you’ll find it. If you look for everything that is wrong, you’ll find it and focus on it. If you look for what is going right, that’s there, too. Find it and focus on it. You can acknowledge what’s wrong and still practice gratitude for what’s right. Remember what is really important – people.
- Practice self-care. I was afraid to be honest with myself and the people around me – people that I know would help me, let me blow off steam, and help me process my emotions. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s more than okay to take care of yourself! Practice self-care. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can take care of yourself—physically and emotionally.
- Breathe. Think. Act. Take a moment to take some deep breaths, think about what you can and can’t control, and then respond appropriately – don’t react. Don’t make important decisions when you aren’t your best self or you’ve gone to pieces.
- Focus on helping others. This may sound counter-intuitive, but nothing feels better than helping someone with their problems. It actually makes our brain release happy chemicals and it may take your mind off your problems or even put them in perspective.
It’s okay to have a “moment”; it’s not okay to stay there. We’ve all been at a place where we felt like it was just one bad thing after the other and we’ve felt overcome by stress, anxiety, anger, or sadness. Give yourself permission to be real, but also develop a plan to stay positive the next time you feel overwhelmed and about to break down.
How to Establish a Family Quiet Time
Some people saw How to Establish a Family Quiet Time and thought, “Yeah right. There’s just no way. You haven’t been to my house. You don’t know my kids.”
I am just one of the latest work-at-home dads who is amazed at just how much activity, noise, and energy can be expended by my co-inhabitants. Who are the co-inhabitants? Two daughters (7 & 13), 5 sons (ages 5 months – 11 yrs), 1 wife (can’t put her age, it’s a violation of the code). That’s eight other people. Noise is the default. Not having some quiet time is not an option either. Otherwise, I’m really gonna lose my mind.
I’m not going to try and convince you on the importance of quiet time. I haven’t met a parent yet who doesn’t crave it when they are home all day with their children. I’m just going to empower you to establish a quiet time.
Step 1: Get Your Mind Right.
You’ve got to believe it can be done. They may resist and scream. They may dig deep into their bag of tricks to block the entry of a quiet time into your home. Don’t believe the lie. They don’t know what’s good for them. Hear the voice of the man with 7 kids: “It can be done. You can do it.” It may not be perfect the first time, but whatever you do, don’t believe the lie. Which takes us to step #2.
Step 2: Prepare To Be Persistent.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. You didn’t ride your bike perfectly the first time you took off the training wheels. They don’t believe that you’re serious unless you stick with it. Kids are wired to resist anything that their parents say is good for them at first, at least it seems that way. It’s not impossible just because it didn’t work out the first time. You’re going to have to stick with it.
Step 3: Family Meeting.
Gather the troop together and tell them, “Each day, we are going to have some quiet time in this home. It helps our minds to relax and our bodies to rest. You may not think you need it, but I, as your parent need it and your body will thank you for it. There is no room for negotiation on the fact that there will be a quiet time. You may negotiate what can be done during quiet time.”
Step 4: Explain Why Their Quiet Time Is Your Productive Time.
In order to get more of the ‘me’ you like later, I’ve got to get done what I can now so that we can enjoy one another later.
Step 5: Establish Quiet Time Rules.
Acceptable activities during quiet time: Sleep, lay in bed, read, write, meditate. Prohibited activities include: Video games, calling/texting with outside people, playing with siblings. Quiet time is as much about your mind being quiet as it is simply taking a nap.
Note: Play that is not noisy and only involves one person is acceptable for my seven and up crew. For instance, my 7 year old may sit on her bed and play with her dolls for a full hour. My 9 year old may sit on his bed and build legos. My instructions to them, “I should not hear you. I should not see you. You should not need to ask me anything.” If they ask me something about the legos or the dolls, they are automatically prohibited from playing with them during quiet time.
Step 6: Establish When And How Long.
Routines and Consistency is the name of the game. If your children had quiet time at school, schedule family quiet time at a similar time. Schedule quiet time around the same time each day. In our house, our routine is lunch at 12:00, play outside til 1:30, quiet time 1:30-2:30. For our kids under 7, that normally means a nap or at least laying in the bed. The others – read, nap, write, build something. The key- they are in a space all to themselves and need no attention. (Note: You may start at 30 minutes as opposed to an hour. And no, we don’t wake the kids up after an hour if they are asleep. Are you kidding me?)
Optional: Set a timer in their room. You don’t know how many times my children have fallen asleep looking at the time countdown. I count that as a parental win. Otherwise they like to ask, “Is it time yet?”
Step 7: Set And Enforce Consequences For Quiet Time Violations.
The keys to good consequences are that you have to find out what means most to your child. Then you must be willing to enforce it the first time. This is where having your mind right and believing that it can be done is key. Suggestions: Add time—5 minutes for each violation. Eliminate dessert from dinner. Decrease screen time. Earlier bedtime.
Remember, this may be new for your child. They may not have expected this from you. They are going to test you. Your biggest weapon is enforcing the consequences while staying cool, calm and collected. If you don’t enforce the consequences quickly, then you may get frustrated when they violate the rule again and lead you to believe that it’s a hopeless cause.
Step 8: Implement.
Be firm. Follow your plan. Keep the vision of peace and quiet in front of you. Celebrate the victory, however small it may be at first. Let them know that we’ll all get better at it.
Practical Tips
- Send kids to the bathroom first!
- No eating during quiet time. May give them snacks right before quiet time, but not sugary snacks. Design your schedule for what works best. Kids always want to eat. So decide if they eat before or after and stick with it, but not during.
- Check in on them and encourage them if they are doing good. If they’re asleep, let ‘em sleep.
- Enforce consequences. That’s how they know you mean business.
- Be productive in whatever you decide to do during this time – work, yoga, emails, nap, etc. (Yes, naps are productive.)
Implementing anything new in your family can be challenging, but having a family quiet time is good for your kids and good for you! It might take some time to get it down, but it is definitely worth it!
How do I get my teen to talk to me? My first thought was to think back on all my experience parenting and working with teens. My first thoughts are frequently wrong. I realized that my 14-year-old son, Jude, was sitting right next to me. Ding, Ding, Ding! He has the best credentials to answer this question. Why not ask him? He’s the expert!
What followed was me talking with my teen about talking with my teen.
(He even grabbed my laptop at times and started typing, “You gotta tell parents this!”)
Me: Is it helpful for parents to find out what you are into and learn all about it so they can build some common ground? Like, “Is your teen into skateboarding? Learn all about skateboarding so you can talk to them! Now you can ask if they ‘push mongo’ and if they can ‘aciddrop into a melongrab.’”
Jude: (Laughing Hysterically) You don’t even know what those words mean, do you?
Me: Um, no… I Googled them.
Jude: That stuff might help. It might come off as forced and lame.
Me: Bottom line, I can’t make you talk to me, can I?
Jude: (Kinda Smugly Triumphant) Nope!
Me: (Sigh) Let me type that…
Bottom Line: You can’t make them talk. Sorry. You can’t point the remote at them and press “Unmute.” The good news, however, is that you can adopt a parental posture and create an environment where a real conversation has a much higher chance of happening.
Jude: I like the “unmute” thing!
Me: Hey, thanks; I just think…
Jude: (Interrupting) Just tell them to spend time with their kids. That’s it.
Me: You just told them.
Jude: What? Wait! Are you just typing out what I say?
Me: Yup. Keep talking… I might make it sound more adult-y and mix in some of my thoughts.
According to a real-life teenager, there is no magic formula, but here are five things for parents to think about…
1. Some teens are just quiet or go through quiet phases.
You remember being a teenager, right? Well, it’s way harder now, according to Jude. It’s more cutthroat, more emotionally charged, and more adultish—social media amplifies all that exponentially. Jude says teens genuinely feel like you just won’t get it. It’s not an insult. They often process issues internally or with their peers. Resident Teen Expert encourages you to be patient.
Big Idea: Make a standing offer to be available to talk about anything whenever they want to.
2. Spend time with them not obviously trying to force a “big” talk.
You might be dying to hear about what is going on deep inside their world and incredibly anxious to speak into it. But just offer to watch them play video games, play some Uno, (Jude: Dude. We’ve never played Uno.), or go grab a bite to eat with no agenda other than to enjoy their company. Make small talk. Don’t sweat silences.
Big Idea: Don’t force it. Spend time with them and see what happens organically. Small talk often leads to BIG TALK.
3. Don’t freak out when you hear something that rattles you.
Jude says this is “super important.” If they do open up to you, you will hear some stuff. Maybe some shocking stuff. If you freak out, it might be a loooong time before they open up to you again. Keep a good poker face. Jude: And don’t bombard them with a million questions. Don’t lecture. Me: Got it! Empathize. Probe gently. Listen, then listen some more. (Check out this article on active listening skills—especially the Six Levels of Listening.)
Big Idea: So many teens say that their parents don’t listen and just talk at them, not with them.
Me: So, how do I do with all this?
Jude: Um…
Me: Okayokayokay! I’ll work on it!
4. You might not be the person they feel comfortable talking with right now.
Jude: Some stuff I just feel better talking to Davin about. (His older brother.) As a parent, I’ve had to settle for… are they talking to someone? Someone I trust? For some topics and even some phases of teenage life, I realized my teen was more comfortable talking to Mom. I had to work to get to a place where I was just happy they had someone to talk to that I knew would basically give them the same input that I would. It might be an older sibling, their aunt, a teacher, or a coach. I know I can trust my sister, their favorite aunt, to give me a heads-up if she hears something I need to know about.
Big Idea: Encourage them to cultivate relationships with people they are comfortable talking to.
5. Talk to them. But be real. Be transparent. Be vulnerable.
This speaks for itself. Sometimes we expect our teens to give us things we aren’t willing to give them. Me: Am I real with you, Jude? Jude: Yeah. Maybe too real… Me: So that’s a compliment?
Big Idea: Make sure you are giving conversationally what you hope to get from your teen.
Me: You get the final word.
Jude: Spend time with them, listen, don’t lecture. Just tell parents to spend time with their kids.
Me: You just did again. What do you think of this blog?
Jude: This blog goes hard.
And then, on the way to school the next morning, out of nowhere…
Jude: We told them not to lecture, right?
What’s The Big Idea?
- Offer to be available to talk about anything whenever they want to. Be patient.
- Don’t force it. Spend time with them and let conversations grow organically. Small talk often leads to deeper conversations.
- Practice good listening skills. Don’t talk at them; talk with them.
- Encourage them to cultivate relationships with people they are comfortable talking to and that you can trust.
- Model the openness, vulnerability, and transparency that you are hoping to get in return.
Why You Need To Get Your Kids To Help Around The House
You’re probably less interested in the “why” of getting help around the house, and more interested in the “how” of it. I get it, but you need to understand the “why” first and believe it.
Taking care of yourself—physically and mentally—is incredibly important, especially right now. Stress, anxiety, fear, and plain old fatigue will all take their toll on you. That toll will impact you and the people that you care about. I see it in myself and in my own home. I feel fragile, a lot.
You know the deal. I’m at home, trying to put in a full day’s work and finish my projects, making sure school work gets done, keeping an eye on my at-risk mother-in-law, and generally holding down the fort—including keeping it clean and organized. Oh, and when my wife gets home, I try to have dinner ready and we try to do Family Movie Night or Game Night and keep all the sequestered happy. It is a daunting task, and I’ve never felt so exhausted. You feeling it too? It often feels like a lose-lose situation.
If I focus time on my kids and mother-in-law, I feel like a bad employee.
If I focus time on my work, I feel like a bad dad and son-in-law.
I can’t possibly do it all. I just feel stressed out and guilty.
When in the world am I supposed to take care of myself?
Start with the basics.
The house needs to be kept up and your kids need stuff to do.
Those dots connect themselves, but how do you do this without having another thing to do?
I got the ball rolling by laying out expectations in a family meeting.
I also sent out this text message in our family group text after days of exhaustion:
Hey Family! I know everyone is taking care of their own living areas but we need to work together on shared spaces like the kitchen, dining area, and living room. We are trying to stay afloat – Mom is working full time, I’m working full time from home, and Grandmom isn’t our maid. (Thanks for all you do, Grandmom!)“
Some Stuff That Needs Doing:
- Kitchen needs to be swept and mopped.
- Dining room & front door area swept and mopped.
- Living room vacuumed.
- Lawn mowed when it dries.
- General sanitizing wipe down.
- Help with cooking dinners.
- General cleaning up after yourself, especially in the kitchen.
There’s enough for everyone to do a little. Thanks in advance. Hope this isn’t received as snarky. Totally sending with a heart full of love for all of you. Just need help. You guys are my favorite! ❤
That was the text. I didn’t have high hopes. I figured a couple of kids (maybe) in drips and drabs would hopefully mark a few things off the list in the upcoming week. Maybe there would be a little less work for Grandmom and me.
Then something incredible happened.
My son, who is without a doubt the “lone wolf” of the whole crew, immediately came down and started sweeping the kitchen. What? Soon, everyone started popping out of their rooms and joined in. They cranked out a very thorough cleaning of everything. We even game-ified the cleaning by adding some rounds of Nintendo Wii in-between cleaning jobs. In a couple of hours, the house was spic & span – and get this – we all had time freed up to do our stuff. Even me!
I can’t call it a Christmas Miracle. It was like something out of some wholesome unrealistic sitcom or Disney Channel show. It worked. But let me be clear, I was fortunate this time. It usually doesn’t play out like that. But I learned some valuable info that day…
There is no way I can keep up with housework, school work, and work work AND have time and energy left for self-care plus some gas left in the tank to have a little quality time with my wife when she gets home from work. You can’t give what you don’t have.
And my kids can and will and need to help.
Let’s Break It Down
So how do I keep this ball rolling? If you break down my text, you might find some reasons why it was effective that might help you get your kids helping more around the house, have some structure in their day, and burn off some energy. Hopefully, this will lower your stress levels by freeing you up for working on work and remember, working on yourself.
Here’s what I did in my text to get my kids to help around the house:
- Started positively.
- Acknowledged what they were already doing.
- Was realistic and honest about our new situation.
- Listed very specific things that needed to get done.
- Gave them a choice of what they wanted to do.
- Thanked them in advance.
- Tried to preclude any misinterpretations.
- Affirmed my love for them and that family is the most important thing.
- And here is the kicker – I TOLD THEM I NEEDED HELP. (I didn’t suggest it. I didn’t imply it. And I didn’t say, “It would be nice.”)
I probably should have added a timeframe for the work to be done by. Missed that one.
We made it a challenge and made it fun. We worked together and multiplied our efforts.
Apply these principles in a way that works for your kids at their ages.
Just don’t try to do it all yourself. And don’t sweat it if it all doesn’t get done. It isn’t going anywhere. Take care of yourself.
