5 Common Problems in Marriage
There are lots of things that can make your marriage great. Inevitably, your marriage will run into some bumps and cracks in the road that can cause problems. Those problems don’t have to become craters in your journey. Awareness of common marital issues can help you avoid many of them. It can also prepare you to work through them when they seep into your marriage. Here are some of the most common problems couples experience in marriage.
1. Unspoken Expectations
You know the disappointment you feel when your spouse didn’t do something you fully expected them to do. You were coming home late from work and you expected him to have dinner on the table. Instead, there’s no dinner. He expected you to spend all your recreation time with him, yet you made plans with your girlfriends on Saturday night. But the catch is, these expectations were never spoken. They were just running through your mind.
Unspoken expectations are a setup for disappointment. We often don’t realize we have them until they aren’t met. We may expect our spouse to be able to anticipate our every need or know the keys to “making us happy.” They’ve come from our experiences, history, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes they’re informed by what we see through entertainment, social media, or other “seemingly” happy couples. We have expectations about parenting, household responsibilities, money, dealing with in-laws, sex, work, etc.
They become problems when we don’t talk about them. Write them down. Have conversations about them. Communicating about them helps prevent disappointment, frustration, and hurt. It will help you have realistic expectations that will bring you closer together.
2. Poor Communication
If you hear a couple discussing a problem they’re having in their marriage, you can almost guarantee there’s some miscommunication around the issues. What he is saying is not what she is hearing. And what she is saying is not what he is hearing. People hear things differently. Examples of poor communication that have become common in some marriages include: the silent treatment, criticism, listening only to respond, expecting your spouse to read your mind, and talking over one another. Poor communication or lack of communication can lead couples to have negative perceptions of their spouse purely based on a misunderstanding.
Knowing the communication traps that are easy to fall into is half the battle. Learning to hear, communicate, and understand one another’s thoughts, emotions, and desires can turn communication into a strength in your marriage.
3. Money
It’s been said many times that if a couple can learn how to work together regarding money, then they’ll be able to work through anything. Research tells us that money is the number one thing that couples argue about. Your spending habits reflect your values. Your values are important to you, just as your spouse’s values are important to them. It’s normally not the money itself that causes the issues, though. It’s coming into agreement on what to do with the money that causes arguments and disagreements.
Secret bank accounts and wild spending habits can destroy a marriage. Openly communicating with each other about future plans, necessary purchases, and your goals can help the two of you be on the same page regarding money matters. Working together regarding how you manage your money can set you up to overcome any issue you face in your marriage.
4. Technology and Social Media
With the rise of employees working from home and the increased integration of technology in every facet of our lives, couples are in the same bed at night during the time which used to be designated for pillow talk—but they’re not talking. Instead, they’re connecting with old friends, looking at videos, shopping, playing video games, surfing the net, and generally putting their attention toward their screen instead of their partner. It’s distracting couples from loving one another and causing others to compare their relationships to what they see on social media.
Setting aside screen-free time that allows the two of you time to focus on each other will help both of you feel valued within your marriage. Be intentional about nurturing your relationship and appreciating what makes your relationship satisfying.
5. Intimacy
When couples speak different intimacy languages and aren’t able to understand one another, it’s a recipe for marital conflict. Whether it’s understanding each other’s needs for connection and vulnerability, or romance and sex, if you don’t know what arouses your partner, then you run the risk of living with a big intimacy void in the marriage.
Open conversation to discuss what makes each of you feel the most connected. Periodically doing marital checkups to make sure you’re staying connected can strengthen your marital intimacy.
None of these problems have to destroy your marriage. Working together to deal with problems in marriage will create a bond and security that gives you the confidence that your marriage can make it through anything. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. Having other healthy married couples in your lives you can talk to or seeing a good marriage counselor can help you overcome problems that are very difficult for the two of you to solve together. Problems don’t have to be something that you dread. Instead, they can be opportunities to strengthen your relationship and bring positive growth.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Married. You and your spouse talk every day and you sleep in the same bed. You share bills and responsibilities. Of course, you have sex. You do all the things married couples do. Yet you so often feel unheard and unknown by your spouse.
You don’t feel like your spouse knows your hurts and pains. They’re unaware of what causes you to be fearful or insecure. When the two of you talk about personal or intimate matters, you don’t feel like your spouse gets you even though you shared exactly what you were thinking and feeling.
You’ve made comments to express your feelings that they didn’t get. Your conversations are not fulfilling. It’s made your sex life one-sided because you don’t feel known or heard so you’re not as into giving yourself to your spouse in that way. And you’re not sure if they notice or even care.
How does this happen?
One possible explanation is your spouse isn’t curious about you anymore. Curiosity pushes someone to want to know all the complexities of their spouse’s thoughts, personality, dreams, and feelings. It drives you to understand how past experiences affect your spouse in the present.
Curiosity can stop for several reasons:
- Your spouse believes they know all the important things there are to know about you.
- The busyness of life has subconsciously shifted the priorities.
- Your spouse has become more focused on themself.
- Complacency in the relationship and in their own personal growth.
As a result, spouses often don’t hear their partner’s cries to be heard. They miss the snarky comments, make assumptions about the marital silence, and overlook opportunities presented to show they hear and know you. You may be evolving or even changing, but your spouse still speaks to you based on how you thought when the two of you first got together.
What can you do about it?
Yes, you have to talk about it. The struggle of letting your partner know you’re feeling unheard and unknown is getting them to hear from you. Ironic, right? This is a conversation that my wife and I had for years before I finally heard her. Did I think I’d heard her before? Of course, I did! I’d listened to what she said and tried to treat her based on the words she said. However, she knew I didn’t hear her because I didn’t become genuinely curious about her. I was still interacting with her as if she hadn’t grown or evolved since we first met. Consequently, I was missing out on getting to really know her and her new ideas, dreams, and desires.
You’ve probably tried many times to get your spouse to really hear and know you. All to no avail.
Here are the keys to being truly heard by your spouse.
- Gentleness. Getting louder, forceful, or playing the blame game is not the way to get heard. Marriage therapist and researcher John Gottman has coined the phrase, “Gentle Start-Up.” You can attack your spouse with insults or approach your spouse with gentleness. It hurts to be married and feel unknown, but to approach your spouse with anger and rage is more likely to cause defensiveness than to birth helpful conversation.
- Be Direct. Don’t Hide Your Emotion. Your spouse does need to see your emotions in a healthy way. Nothing violent, abusive, or manipulative. Hurt, neglect, sadness, and loneliness are all real emotions that can help your partner understand the gravity of the problem.
- Perception. Approaching your spouse from the perspective that they do want to make you happy. They love you and want your marriage to work. Battling the tension between feeling like your spouse is not interested in you and knowing they love you and want you happy can be tough, but it is doable.
- Clarity. What makes you feel heard and known? When do you feel lonely within your marriage? It may take several conversations to communicate all that’s on your heart and even more for your spouse to get it. Repetition from a gentle spirit is helpful.
Don’t Give Up.
If the two of you are both well-intentioned and you both want the marriage to work, then keep pressing forward. Talking to other couples who have experienced similar struggles can be encouraging. Talking to a marriage counselor may be empowering. I’ve heard many spouses say that after so many years, “My spouse finally gets me!” When that happens, you go from the feeling of being unnoticed and unknown to experiencing levels of connectedness and intimacy that’s very difficult to find outside of a committed relationship. A marriage where you both feel heard and known is a relationship that offers the security and comfort which brings peace to the soul.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Find Good Relationship Advice
You want to have good relationships. You want a healthy marriage AND you want to be a great parent, a wonderful friend, fiancé, or co-worker.
But relationships are sometimes complex. They aren’t always easy. Issues arise. And if you’re like me, you could just use some help sometimes.
The internet gives us ENDLESS information on relationships. Just Google how to resolve conflict in marriage or how to parent a rebellious teenager. Then watch TONS of articles, blogs, videos, how-tos, and step-by-steps fill your screen.
It’s overwhelming.
And here’s the thing: can they all possibly be right? I mean, with literally thousands of resources out there on any given relationship subject, there’s got to be some conflicting information and something that’s not accurate. (As a matter of fact, there is.)
★ So when you and I are trying to get help in the area of healthy relationships, how do we know what kind of information to trust? How do you wade through the countless sources of information on your screen and determine which advice is legit?
I’ve been on both ends of this spectrum, searching for accurate relationship advice as well as writing relationship content as accurately as possible. And I can tell you there is a lot of good information out there, as well as a lot of bad.
Here are some pointers I’ve found helpful on how to identify reliable relationship advice.
Understand that relationships are something that’s actually researched.
Seriously, there’s a whole science behind it. There are a lot of experts and researchers out there looking at questions like what makes a marriage great, what kids need from their parents, what are the best ways to resolve disagreements, what role does intimacy play in relationships, etc. And, they’re observing and testing answers using psychological research techniques.
This is good to know because it tells us that there is, indeed, reliable information out there to tap into for our relationship questions and struggles. Good sources of information are typically (but not always) written by researchers who have either done the science themselves or by professionals who have used the science to counsel others. That’s usually what I want to look for when it comes to good relationship advice.
On the flip side of the coin… know that just because the word “research” shows up doesn’t always mean it’s great advice.
I’ve read countless articles using the words research says… or studies prove… or a survey of 500 people tells us… If you search for any kind of advice about relationships, you’ll find this, too. And it sounds very convincing.
But for many reasons, it doesn’t always mean you can trust the advice. For one thing, it’s easy for writers to twist the words of a piece of research out of context to fit their own point of view. Not to mention, a lot of research just plain isn’t done well. You don’t have to be any kind of research expert to take what you read or watch with a grain of salt or even sense there could be some missing information.
I’m not saying count these kinds of articles out. Give them a chance. Just approach them with a more critical eye. And here’s something I’ve found: if you come across an article that says some sort of research proves something, approach with caution. Researchers don’t try to prove anything. The goal of the research is to provide evidence of one thing or another and spark people to study the question even more. Claiming proof for something could be a big red flag that the writer could be twisting some facts.
All this goes to say, of course, to consider the source.
With any article or video, take a quick look at the author’s bio. Google them. Do they have a background in relationship research, education, or counseling? Are they associated with a university or an organization specializing in relationships like marriage or parenting? Do they have a product to promote? Does their writing seem to have an agenda? Does it sound like they have a chip on their shoulder (like they’re ready to pick a fight)? Or, are they simply trying to report the best information out there as objectively as possible? These are all important questions to consider.
Do a quick search on “reviews” or “criticism” of the author or the organization they represent. See what other people are saying about them.
I particularly like authors who are transparent about their own relationships and balance it with trustworthy fact-giving. Rather than making bold claims saying what they are doing in their own relationships is the way to go, thank you very much, they tend to admit where they’ve messed up before and humbly say let’s look at evidence of what’s healthy.
Prepare to do a little digging.
I’m confident telling you it’d be a mistake to only consider the first few pieces of relationship advice at the top of your search list. Sometimes these are reliable resources, but not always. The first sites popping up on a search list many times are determined by popularity factors or advertising dollars. This means you could very well be getting relationship advice based on opinions instead of qualified research, and on the fads families of “the rich and the famous” are doing. (This is just my two cents: it’s difficult for me to swallow trying to relate to Hollywood trends in marriage and parenting. I’m not dissing actors or performers; it’s just a totally different world from the norm, and it rarely reflects what we know to be healthy in relationships.)
Dig down below the first few search results and see what else lies beneath. This is often where you’ll find the real gold of reliable relationship advice.
Be cautious with sources that seem to run against the grain of what we already know to be healthy in relationships.
I get a little twitchy when I see titles like The Way We’ve Been Doing Marriage for Decades Is All Wrong! I don’t ignore those sources completely (Who knows?—they might have some good info after all…), but I do tend to read or watch it with a lot more discernment and savvy. Apply what’s been said above to these kinds of articles and determine for yourself if the information given is truly on the level.
Understand how easy it is to find information that supports your current view and quickly rest your case.
These days you can just about find anything that will claim to back up even the wildest of ideas on how to do healthy relationships. (“Survey Proves a Steady Diet of Tacos Will Improve Your Marriage” — I knew it!)
So if you’re simply trying to find something to support the opinion you already have, then guess what? You’re going to find it.
When approaching a piece of relationship advice that may run counter to your viewpoint, I find it helpful to give the information a chance. I’ll often think to myself, “Could there be the possibility that this differing opinion (other than mine) might have some truth to it?” And then, based on all the things I’ve talked about above plus a dose of common sense, I determine if the advice is worth taking.
If you truly want to learn what healthy marriages, parenting, friendships, dating, and work relationships look like, good information is out there for you to get your hands on. But it’s like swimming in the middle of the ocean. There is a virtual sea of information to swim through. Much of the advice is like currents which will guide you safely to the shore of healthy relationships. But there are some riptides of bad information that can drag you further out to sea.
One more thought to leave you with: finding relationship experts online can be extremely helpful.
But let’s not look past the fact that you probably have actual people around you in healthy (but not perfect) relationships who you can lean on. A get-together over coffee where you can ask this person (or couple) questions about how they do things in their relationships can provide some very practical wisdom.
Put the above ideas into practice, lean on the healthy people you know, and I guarantee you’ll learn more about what makes relationships healthy than you ever thought you could have.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
8 Ways To Care for Your Spouse’s Mental Health
Full transparency here: I’ve dealt with feelings of depression and anxiety through much of my adulthood. In fact, I brought it right with me into my marriage. Through it all, my wife has been a solid rock of support and encouragement for me and my mental health during those difficult times. And looking back, I’ve been able to catch a glimpse of what she was feeling for me:
I’m worried for his well-being. I know he isn’t himself. His heart is hurting. His mind is swarming. He’s just on edge all… the… time. There’s no life in his voice. He just has a sense of hopelessness, tension, defeat. And I just want him to be happy again so we can enjoy our life together like we once did.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Maybe you’ve had the same thoughts about your spouse. It’s difficult to see the person you love the most experiencing challenges like grief, sadness, anxiety, and stress. It impacts not only your spouse but also your marriage. And you want to help, but maybe you just don’t know how.
Fortunately, there is hope. How can you show care and support for your spouse’s mental health? Here are eight ways:
1. Remind them you are there.
One of the worst feelings someone can have who is experiencing emotional difficulties is feeling like they are alone in their predicament. The continual reminder that you are there for them, you’re there to listen, and you are not there to judge or think less of them because of what they’re going through means the world.
2. Encourage your spouse with The Big 3: Exercise, Diet, and Sleep.
These are the three best things we can do to help ourselves when our mental health is under attack. They are the “hubs” of self-care. Physical activity, especially cardio, and clean eating have been shown to improve emotional health. And I can’t tell you enough just how important sleep is to fight off stress, anxiety, and depression. Most people need 8-9 hours of sleep each night, and each one of those hours is precious to care for yourself. Encourage your spouse to maintain The Big 3 and join them in the mission to work out, eat clean, and sleep well.
3. Do everyday activities together.
When I’ve felt particularly out of sorts, my wonderful wife would invite me to go on an errand with her or to do something seemingly mundane with her around the house. The sheer act of being together and focusing on some activity — picking up the groceries, folding the laundry (lots of bonding happens over folding fitted sheets), getting the car washed (for an added bonus, jamming out to Led Zeppelin as your car shuffles through the automatic wash, an instant feel-good) — can help pull your spouse out of a funk.
4. Coach your spouse to choose their “Something to Look Forward to.”
Long ago, a friend of mine gave me this life-changing, simple piece of advice, and my wife has encouraged me with it: every week, choose that one thing that you’re going to look forward to on the weekend (or whatever the “end of the week” looks like for your spouse). It can be anything enjoyable: a hike, watching the football game, ordering pizza, eating that piece of cake in the fridge, a fishing trip, working in the yard, smoking some ribs, visiting your favorite fast food place. I’ve found that whatever setbacks I experience through the week, sometimes my “Something to Look Forward to” is what helps me to keep taking each step forward. Help your spouse find their “Something to Look Forward to” each week.
5. Experience some fresh air together.
There’s something about being outside in the open air and the warm sunlight that takes the edge off strong emotions. Invite your spouse to share some outdoor time, whether it’s hiking in the woods or sitting on the front porch to watch the sunset. You certainly don’t have to be an “outdoor person” to gain the benefits that clean air and the vitamin D from sunlight provides (which, by the way, has been shown to reduce depression and boost weight loss).
6. Be physically intimate with each other.
Physical touch, whether it’s sexual or non-sexual touch, like holding hugs or hand-holding, has been shown to help improve mental and emotional health, not to mention increase closeness and connection with each other. Healthy physical touch from someone who cares (that is, you) causes those feel-good chemicals to squirt through the brain, defending against feelings of sadness and anxiety. And don’t laugh, but scheduled sex is where it’s at. Hear me out. If your spouse is someone who, say, really enjoys sex, more than likely it’s a stress-reliever for them. When the two of you schedule your lovemaking, you give them something they can count on to simmer down the emotions while you, well, heat things up.
7. Encourage time with friends and family.
It’s easy for someone weighed down with heavy feelings to isolate themselves. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to reach out to others. When I’ve felt like this, my wife would sometimes say something like, “Why don’t you call up your friend Brian and see if he wants to watch the football game?” Or, “Why not go over to your mom’s house and take her some cookies” Being with others helps a heavy heart. And sometimes a person just needs a shot of encouragement to make that connection. Encourage time with someone they are close to when the mood is down.
8. Go on dates.
This is arguably the most important item on the list. Try to have a weekly date together. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive or even outside the house. As a matter of fact, take some of what’s above and make it a date: the “Something to Look Forward to,” time spent outdoors, ordering a pizza in, a walk around the neighborhood, a Netflix movie, or maybe even scheduled intimacy. The point is to have a meaningful time together. And remember: because your spouse is dealing with heavy emotions, you may have to be the one to prompt these dates.
If you observe that your spouse’s mental health doesn’t change for the better or gets worse, encourage them to visit a professional counselor. Offer to go with them if they are nervous or uncertain. Try to help them understand that talking to a counselor doesn’t mean they are “broken” or something “is wrong with them.” They are simply there to talk through some of the difficult feelings they’re experiencing.
One more thing: the battle to manage strong emotions like anxiety, sadness, or stress is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t expect instant improvements with a walk in the woods or a night out on the town.
And let’s not ignore the fact that your spouse’s struggles with mental health are hard on you as well; you feel the exhaustion and stress they feel. Be sure you are taking care of yourself. Get plenty of rest and exercise, and make sure you have a healthy support system you can turn to. Practice good self-care.
You are your spouse’s biggest support. And you have the power to instill a sense of hope in them with your love and encouragement. Choose at least one of the strategies above to do this week. Assure your spouse you are there for them no matter what. Go on a date. Share a walk outside. Whatever it is, let them know you are right there beside them. Believe me: it will mean the world to them.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Image from Unsplash.com
Why Spending Time Alone Is Good for Your Marriage
Name something that can help you have a long-lasting, thriving marriage. I’ll give you a moment to run through the usual answers… communication, working through conflict, intimacy, yadda, yadda, yadda. The one you’re looking for is…
Spending time alone.
You might crave it and don’t get enough of it. Perhaps your spouse craves alone time and you don’t understand it. This can be a landmine in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be. Talking about and understanding each other’s need for alone time can make your relationship better.
Here’s why spending time alone is good for your marriage.
Opportunity to nurture your own interests.
Not every couple shares all the same interests. While it’s important to share some interests, it’s also okay that you have some you don’t share. Don Cole, Master Counselor for the Gottman Institute, says it’s more important that couples support their partner’s interests as opposed to feeling obligated to share interests. These interests are part of what makes you the person your honey fell in love with.
My wife likes to complete jigsaw puzzles – big ones. Me – not so much. Jigsaw puzzles help to keep her mind sharp, provides her recreation, it’s peaceful and gives her a sense of joy to complete. All these things make her an even better spouse. I’m not a fan of jigsaw puzzles, so when I try to help, we quickly realize that the joy is absent. She’d still be stuck on 500-piece puzzles if she didn’t have some alone time to nurture that interest. Instead, 10,000 piece puzzles have become the norm.
As long as spending time together is a priority, making space for alone time may help you develop a stronger sense of who you are which will increase the intimacy the two of you share.
Leisure and Relaxation.
Everyone needs time to sit and do nothing or enjoy activities that aren’t stressful or taxing to the brain. Not having to worry about attending to kids and letting go of the expectations others may have of you, unwinding, and being carefree, even if it’s just for an hour, can make you a better partner. Research suggests that leisure and relaxation help you have a clearer mind that is better able to think positively and make good decisions.
Yes, relaxing with your spouse is great. Sometimes what is relaxation for one is work for the other. (Can you say “jigsaw puzzle?”) Taking alone time to relax can recharge you. You’ll be better able to respond to your spouse as the two of you work through everyday life.
Prevent Burnout.
Parental burnout, similar to professional burnout, is a real thing according to the research. (You’re thinking, I didn’t need research to tell me that.) Parental burnout can cause you to become irritable, exhausted, and less tuned in to your kids much less your spouse. It strips the joy from your relationships when you constantly feel like you’re living for others and not taking time to get recharged.
When you need time alone, it’s not your family that’s the problem. The need to recharge and give your body some energy to work with is real.
Growing more comfortable in your own skin.
It’s easy to subconsciously fall into a space where you need the approval of others, particularly your spouse. While it’s good and sometimes necessary to get affirmation or validation for your thoughts and perspectives, you shouldn’t rely on your spouse exclusively for validation.
Spending time alone is good for your marriage because it can help you be more self-aware, and clarify emotions and desires. This helps you guard against becoming reliant on your spouse or anyone else for your self-worth.
Alone with your thoughts.
I’ve had lots of conversations where my thoughts were expressed before they were anywhere near being fully developed. (Introverts can relate to this all too well.) When this happens, you feel like you’re only sharing a part of yourself without the whole story. Getting alone with your thoughts sometimes becomes the key to you being understood. They don’t get interrupted by the spontaneous needs of all those wonderful people living with you who desire your attention.
Alone time is a great opportunity to just be in the moment and collect your thoughts. It’s great for dreaming, planning, being grateful, etc. Not for negative thoughts which can build resentment, but helpful thoughts that can move you toward better understanding yourself, your spouse, and those around you.
See your partner with fresh eyes.
Being away from your partner for some alone time can help you appreciate the greatness of your partner. We can take one another for granted when we’re always working on something for one another or the family. A walk, a nice drive, or some exercise can do wonders in helping your perception of your spouse improve. As research indicates, as your perception of your spouse improves, the relationship is likely to improve as well. Some alone time may be exactly what’s needed to see your spouse with the right eyes.
Spending time alone is not a bad thing. If you become obsessed with spending time apart from your spouse, then there may be some marital issues to address. However, taking some time to invest in you may make you more fun and engaging to your spouse and help you be the person you want to be in your marriage.
Talking and agreeing with one another about the need for some alone time can strengthen your marriage in amazing ways! Explore it!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Will having an open marriage increase your happiness? Maybe you’ve seen the trend among celebrities “celebrating” an open marriage situation. Maybe you’ve even thought about adopting an open marriage relationship with your spouse.
I’d like to help you with some answers. Answers based on research, common sense, the multitudes of couples I’ve worked with, and what we know about healthy marriages.
The goal I have for you is to have the information you need to make an informed decision. Why? Because your marriage matters.
Here’s what I have come to know based on research and experience:
1. Marriage is exciting.
But there’s a point where marriage seems to lose its steam. The novelty, newness, and the excitement of what once came so naturally and easily wears off. Suddenly, sex, connection, and the sense of security and happiness don’t just “happen” on their own.
☆ This is the point where many people experience difficulty. And sadly, it’s where many marriages begin to end.
2. If this is happening in your marriage but you want to avoid divorce, there’s a (seemingly) easy solution: arrange an open marriage.
You can have your cake and eat it, too! Excitement and novelty are shot back into your life, and you can still stay with your spouse! (As long as there’s an understanding between the two of you.) It seems like a real easy fix. You don’t have to work so hard at maintaining all that connection and intimacy. Except for one thing…
3. Marriage is meant to take effort.
I know that sounds cliché. But the problem isn’t that things come less “naturally” in marriage, like sex or connection or a sense of security. That’s actually normal. A healthy marriage doesn’t just “happen.” It takes attention. It takes purposeful action. It’s through the intentionality, the (sometimes tense) communication that your marriage is strengthened.
Because here’s a little secret: your marriage is like a living organism. It’s either getting stronger or it’s dying. There is no status quo in marriage. And an open marriage assumes that you can keep the status quo of your marriage steady while trying to get your sexual needs met by someone other than your spouse.
I’ve worked with lots and lots of couples. And I’m here to tell you: It just doesn’t happen that way.
4. Marriage takes a great deal of trust.
And an open marriage is not fertile ground to grow trust. But wait a minute, you say. What about all the celebs who have declared their own open marriages, who have said that trust is better than ever before?
Let me stop you right there. With respect to Hollywood actors everywhere, when have we ever known the celebrity lifestyle to ever look like real life? I’m not going to say what is good or not good for those in the fame spotlight, but for the 99.9% of the rest of us, is it really fair to base the health of our relationships on those which we absolutely cannot relate to?
Here’s the thing about trust: it has to have an object. You trust your spouse for something. That you are the most important part of their life. You trust that they are reliable. And you trust that absolutely nothing else would get in the way of your relationship. At the very heart of marital trust is the idea that you are the only one for me and there’s not a single thing or person that’ll stand in the way of that. And what I’ve come to know over time is, this is what every person really wants in marriage: for their spouse to be all in.
Open marriage may be fun, adventurous, a bit taboo, but it isn’t all in.
5. People often (mistakenly) believe the healthiest thing for them is what everybody else seems to be doing.
Well, first of all, we know that just isn’t necessarily true. (Haven’t you ever been asked if everyone was jumping off the bridge, would you do it, too??)
The funny thing is, despite all the TV specials, opinion articles, and celebrity news out there about the awesomeness and benefits of open marriages, very, very few people actually have an open marriage.
In one study, around 3% of adults in the U.S. reported being in an open sexual relationship. And 12% reported having ever been in an open sexual relationship in their lives. (Keep in mind these numbers reflect all open sexual relationships, not just marriage—cohabitating, any committed romantic relationship.)
And let’s do the math: ¾ of those who are in or have ever been in an open sexual relationship are no longer in one, and there must be a reason. Oddly, you won’t find these people ever being interviewed on TV specials or opinion articles.
To further the point: the vast majority of people out there still value good ol’ fashioned monogamous marriage. A Penn State study reports that a whopping 98% of women and 97% of men still believe monogamy is very important.
The bottom line:
Not everyone is doing it. And for those out there who have done it and are no longer, no one has thought to ask them, how come? Doesn’t it kind of make you wonder?
That’s what I have come to know about marriages in light of the supposed “open marriage craze.” But let me also tell you one thing I don’t know (along with everyone else out there).
We don’t (yet) know what open marriage happiness looks like in the long term.
No one has done any long-term studies to measure overall happiness in open marriages. Sure, you’ll come across some articles reporting claims that satisfaction, happiness, and trust is the same or even more than in monogamous marriages. But much of this is either based on either severely limited research or writers with agendas who just plain bend the numbers.
So, here’s the question to ask yourself: Do I want to take my marriage down a potentially dangerous path based on something so few people are actually doing? Open marriage goes against what researchers have known for generations about what makes a healthy marriage.
☆ Ultimately, we know very little about the long-term impact of open marriages.
It’s not a gamble I’d be willing to take, and as an advocate for healthy relationships, I wouldn’t want you to take that gamble, either.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Move Past an Emotional Affair
Your marriage has been blindsided by an emotional affair. One of you is struggling with thoughts and feelings of betrayal, shock, and hurt. One of you is struggling with thoughts and feelings of confusion, guilt, and sadness. How can your marriage move past this? The good news is, your marriage can not only move past this emotional affair; it can grow stronger because of this difficult circumstance—but both spouses need to be willing to to navigate the aftermath well, both individually and together.
The Spouse Who Had The Emotional Affair
Maybe you weren’t even sure you were having an emotional affair. You might have slid down the slippery slope of innocent friendship to emotional dependency and intimacy with someone who’s not your spouse. Maybe there were issues in your marriage that made it easier for you to begin to disconnect from your spouse and build a relationship with someone else. Maybe this is all about you and the little spark you got from the novelty of someone new and the secrecy of your interaction with them.
Bottom Line: You were doing marital work with someone who wasn’t your marriage partner. You crossed the boundary of faithfulness, exclusivity, deception, and betrayal.
Please read this account of how this individual was able to move past an emotional affair and how their marriage survived and grew stronger. ★ Note the steps that were taken.
[Information in brackets is mine.]- I admitted it: Shame can only exist in secret. When I was able to voice what was really going on, all the complexities of why I allowed it to go as far as it did and how I had realized the line had been crossed, the shame that surrounded the entire situation dissipated. [This is the first step. Friendships that are innocent don’t have to be kept a secret from your spouse and are nothing to be ashamed of. Come all the way clean with your spouse.]
- I stopped it: I wrote my ex co-worker a lengthy email telling him our friendship had crossed a line and that I felt it was unfair to ourselves and our spouses to continue it. I let him know that I had told my husband and encouraged him to tell his wife and take time refocusing on his marriage too. [Inform this person that your relationship is over. Full stop. Your spouse might want to read your email or listen via conference call. This is one of the first steps in rebuilding trust with your spouse.]
- I set personal boundaries: Hindsight is 20/20, so I was able to look at my mistakes and create a guide for boundaries in future opposite-sex friendships. Such as, I will never write another man something that I wouldn’t want my husband to read. [Your spouse will likely have input for the boundaries to protect your marriage. Be willing to do whatever it takes.]
- I reinvested in my marriage: Obviously no marriage is perfect. There is always work that needs to be done. With my energy and attention refocused on my husband, we grew stronger, together. [This is the key. Your marriage is in the ICU. The “what came first” question doesn’t matter. It’s time to reconnect with your spouse and pour your energy and attention into your marriage.]
I would only add to that excellent advice that you need to apologize to your spouse, ask for their forgiveness and express your commitment to them and your marriage.
If you want to move past the emotional affair, communicate your willingness to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and your relationship. ☆ You may need professional help to break out of the fantasy world you created and to deal with the addiction-like dynamics of your experience. You may also need professional help to reconnect with your spouse and to pour yourself into your marriage.
Emotional affairs can be just as shocking and damaging to a spouse as a sexual affair. Your spouse might bounce back and forth between hurt, anger, and normalcy. Be open to their needs, whether it is to answer questions or be alone. Understand it will take more than words and it will take time.
You need to be open to and compliant with any accountability related to your phone or other devices as you begin to rebuild trust. You need to accept any other accountability that your spouse deems necessary, including whatever else they need to feel secure, heal, and continue to rebuild trust (even if you think they’re going overboard or being unreasonable). They are probably navigating severe anxiety and hypervigilance. This is not the time to try to negotiate; it’s the time to live out true self-sacrificial love.
This is when you need good friends who are for your marriage and accountability.
The Spouse Who Was Betrayed By The Emotional Affair
You didn’t make your spouse have an emotional affair. Know this, believe this, feel this, but it is also true that affairs do not happen in a vacuum. There is always a context to infidelity and betrayal. The marriage and the affair are usually connected.
Often, the marital context allows for a better understanding of the emotional affair. As marriage therapist Esther Perel points out, “The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.” As the therapist puts it, “The betrayed spouse, to one degree or another, can be one dimension of the infidelity—just like narcissism, low self-esteem, addiction, or a mid-life crisis can be a key for understanding your spouse’s [emotional] infidelity.”
But make no mistake, your spouse chose to have an emotional affair. Probably in a series of little choices. It all could have been avoided by choosing to ignore a text, to not eat lunch with a coworker, to unfollow someone on social media, to not divulge things to someone that only a spouse should hear. They could have chosen to work on your marriage.
At a minimum, you should know the following:
- Who the emotional affair partner was.
- How long the affair lasted.
- How often they met.
- Where they met.
- How they communicated. (Email, secret texting apps, phone or burner phone, etc.)
If the marriage survives, this information is essential to avoid future affairs and for appropriate accountability and to put boundaries in place. Take time to think about what would be most helpful for you to know. Sometimes when affairs are uncovered, the betrayed spouse says they want to know every single detail of the relationship, only later to discover that all that information wasn’t really helpful.
Understand that men and women generally view emotional affairs differently. In fact, according to a survey by VictoriaMilan.com, an online affair dating site (the U.K.’s AshleyMadison.com) for people who are already married or in relationships, there are some clear distinctions between how men and women view emotional affairs.
Here’s what they discovered:
- 72% of men said sexual affairs were worse than emotional affairs.
- 69% of women said emotional affairs were worse than sexual affairs.
- 76% of women said they would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair
- Only 35% of men said they would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair.
- 80% of men said they would forgive an emotional affair.
- Only 30% of women indicated they would forgive an emotional affair.
According to this and other research, women are much more unforgiving of emotional connections while men are much more unforgiving of physical ones. Again, understand that, in general, men and women look at emotional affairs very differently.
This is important to acknowledge as you work toward understanding what happened, heal, rebuild trust, grow in security, and strengthen your marriage. Take care of yourself so that you are physically and emotionally healthy and whole.
When you’re ready, you need to offer and communicate true forgiveness. Be open and willing to change as an individual and in how you relate to your spouse. You can’t “dance the same dance” anymore. This is your new, second marriage even though it is with the same spouse. Be intentional about making it strong and healthy!
Expect good and bad days, ups and downs, three steps forward and two steps back. Healing as an individual, healing for your spouse, and healing as a couple is a process. Don’t be discouraged by bad days or setbacks. Have a friend who is for your marriage who can keep you accountable, and you can be honest with and vent to.
Don’t blame and focus on their affair partner. This is understandable but completely counter-productive, can re-traumatize you, fuel intrusive thoughts, and impede healing.
Find resources that work for you. Don’t hesitate to seek out professional counseling for yourself and marriage counseling for you both.
★ Only about 15% of marriages break up directly because of infidelity and end in divorce. According to counselors, couple’s therapists, and marriage coaches, whether the marriage will survive is based on how each spouse responds to the emotional affair.
Some Other Helpful Resources:
- How To Rebuild Trust In Marriage
- Will My Spouse Ever Forgive Me
- How To Save A Marriage That Is Falling Apart
- I Can’t Forgive My Spouse
- Infidelity And Forgiveness
- How Fear Impacts Your Marriage
- Does Your Marriage have Backbone
- How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor
- 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
Have you ever had a fight with your spouse as you were walking out the door to work and actually thought to yourself, “I can’t wait to get to work to talk with so-and-so because he/she is such a good listener and gets me.”
This thought may feel completely harmless to you at first, but once you know the warning signs of an emotional affair, it’s much easier to pinpoint what could snowball into a much bigger problem.
Do you send and receive texts with a friend or co-worker that you wouldn’t want your spouse to see?
At work, do you intentionally time your visit to the breakroom or to make copies to hopefully run into a certain person?
Are you having more conflict and less interest in your spouse as your relationship is deepening with this co-worker or friend?
These are all warning signs of an emotional affair in bloom.
It’s ironic that we can know very reliably that the two most popular times for cheaters to contact their cheating partners are Mondays between 8 AM–9 AM and Fridays between 9 PM–10 PM. It makes sense if you think about it. But take sex out of the infidelity, and it can seem very difficult to pin down when a harmless, platonic friendship or working relationship has become something that threatens the very core of your marriage.
So, what exactly is an emotional affair?
It’s when a spouse is getting an emotional need met by someone other than their partner. Perhaps they begin to make you happier than your partner and you begin to seek affirmation from this individual, or you become emotionally dependent on them, or you take your problems to them instead of your spouse. This is not just friendship. It’s an emotional attachment that should be reserved only for your spouse. It opens doors that should remain closed. You are doing your marital work with someone other than your spouse. (You’re basically “dating” someone emotionally.)
Emotional affairs also create an emotional distance from your spouse. In other words, not only are you getting emotionally entangled and closer with someone other than your spouse, but you’re creating emotional distance between you and your partner and getting further away from them. As you connect more and more with this person, you are disconnecting more and more from your spouse.
One of the biggest warning signs of an emotional affair is secrecy.
Does your spouse or partner know about this person and the friendship you share? Do you hide meetups, texts, and phone calls from your spouse? If your spouse knew how much time and energy you devoted to thinking about this person, communicating with this person, and the “tingles” you feel when you are with this person—would they feel betrayed? Would your spouse think you have stepped outside the boundaries of your marriage and your faithfulness to them?
Remember when your spouse gave you the “tingles?” Now they are locked in a battle they don’t know about which could be difficult to win. An emotional affair partner will always have the benefit of being in an idealized state and partner in a fantasized “relationship,” but your spouse will always be a real person in your real world—warts and all.
In marriage, innocent friendships aren’t hidden from your spouse, they are shared with your spouse.
“But we haven’t had sex or any kind of physical relationship! This can’t be cheating or an ‘affair!’”
In emotional affairs, instead of an actual physical relationship, there is flirting, sexual fantasizing, sexual tension, or sexual talk. (It is possible that all that is keeping this emotional relationship from becoming sexual is a set of circumstances, geography, one person’s conscience. Or it’s just a matter of time.)
People can easily and quickly go from:
Acquaintances —-> Friends —> Emotionally Codependent —> Physically Involved.
Emotional affairs are the most common form of infidelity and often are the gateway to a full-blown sexual affair. “A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships” – The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).
Emotional affairs are becoming increasingly more common because they can start out very innocently and are easily written off as friendships. Many couples are on guard against sexual infidelity, so emotional infidelity catches them off guard. The AAMFT found that about 45% of men and 35% of women have admitted to having an emotional affair.
Here are 20 very telling signs that your friendship is turning into an emotional affair:
- You put more effort into your appearance for him/her than for your spouse.
- You lie to your spouse about talking to and/or seeing him/her.
- You’re spending more time with him/her than you do with your spouse.
- You’re texting with him/her while trying to keep it a secret from your spouse.
- You laugh more with him/her than with your spouse.
- You think about him/her more than you think about your spouse.
- You compare your spouse to him/her in unfavorable ways.
- You feel more understood by him/her rather than your own spouse.
- You tell him/her things about yourself that you have not shared with your spouse.
- Your emotions for him/her are growing more powerful and intense.
- You keep your meetings and conversations secret from your partner.
- You say and do things with him/her you never would do in front of your spouse.
- You make a point to arrange private talk time with him/her.
- You are withdrawing from your spouse as you draw closer to your “friend.”
- You are preoccupied and daydream about him/her more and more.
- You have no interest in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually. Instead, those feelings are toward another person.
- You and your spouse spend less time together.
- When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond with, “We’re just friends.”
- You think “crush-like” thoughts like, “He/she would love this song/shirt/book!”
- You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse, or you no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
We often try to live in a black and white world and emotional affairs don’t fit as neatly into black and white, either/or thinking.
They exist in the grey world of our feelings, intentions, and motives. You have to be honest with yourself, but don’t underestimate your ability to rationalize, justify, and plain fool yourself about what’s really going on. If your relationship with someone is an innocent friendship, lay it out—completely—with your spouse and see if they are comfortable with it. Your spouse may be in a better position to evaluate this friendship than you are. Ultimately, your spouse’s feelings on the issues of faithfulness, exclusion, deception, and betrayal are the feelings that count.
Check out the resources, quizzes, and help for rebuilding your marriage after an emotional affair HERE.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
