4 Reasons Why Sex Matters In Marriage
Sex: The Ecstasy – and for some – The “Eh.” There’s probably no other part of marriage that can challenge couples more than their sex lives. It’s not uncommon for one spouse to have a much different sex drive than the other. It’s easy for a couple to experience seasons of their marriage when their sex life seems incredible and other seasons when it becomes boring and humdrum. Stress, health changes, medication, children, and relational issues can all impact and complicate your sex life. And talking about it can sometimes feel embarrassing or awkward.
These challenges within a couple’s sex life can cause conflict and misunderstanding. And it can make a person wonder: Just how much does sex matter in marriage?
According to marriage experts, sex matters, and it matters a lot. But maybe not for the usual reasons we think it does.
Here are four reasons why sex matters in marriage:
1. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are directly connected.
Sexual intimacy actually increases the emotional intimacy in marriage – that’s the affection, understanding, warmth, and compassion shared between a couple. In turn, emotional intimacy has a positive effect on sexual satisfaction and frequency in marriage. Often, one person in a marriage feels more of a need for emotional intimacy while the other leans toward sexual intimacy. Nothing abnormal about that. But understanding how both kinds of intimacy build on each other can help both people get in sync with sex in their marriage.
2. Sexual intimacy builds trust.
By its very nature, sex requires incredible vulnerability. You and your spouse literally “bare it all” to each other. You open yourselves up to the possibility of either acceptance or rejection from each other on a core level. That level of intimacy magnifies why trust is all the more important. When trust is strengthened, the marriage relationship grows stronger.
3. Sexual trust translates into deeper connection.
Sex is one of the parts of marriage shared between you and your spouse. It’s such a deep, unique, intimate connection – many people would rather talk openly about what’s happening in their bank than in their bedroom. What connects you in marriage is so very only between you and your spouse, it underlines the need to protect your marriage from anything that could threaten it.
4. Sex in marriage has health benefits.
We can’t overlook the fact that sex does the body and the mind good. It’s been shown that sex can boost your immune system, alleviate stress, increase self-confidence, improve heart health, and help with memory. Not to mention, you’re enjoying these benefits while bonding with the one you love the most. You’re connecting intimately while you boost your health. Win-win.
It’s worth working through the sexual issues that can come up and strengthening your sex life.
Keep in mind, you and your spouse are two different people with different sex drives and different outlooks on sex. As awkward as it may be sometimes, it’s important for spouses to talk openly about their sex life – expectations, what’s comfortable and uncomfortable, what turns each other on, what are mood killers, how important sex is for them, and their relationship needs. The more you and your spouse talk about why sex matters in your marriage as you build that precious trust and deepen that one-of-a-kind connection, the less awkward it becomes. Talking about it is key to working through differences and staying in a common rhythm, meeting each other’s needs through the various seasons of marriage.
Related: 10 Things Every Married Couple Needs To Know About Sex
Just like other parts of your marriage, strengthening your sex life strengthens your marriage. And also like all other parts of your marriage, sexual intimacy is an area that you continually grow in and learn about as a couple. Resources like the links found below can help. If problems persist with sex in your marriage, it may be worth seeing a professional counselor. Do what it takes to become closer in your sexual relationship like you would any other part of your marriage. Because at the end of the day, sex does matter to the strength and health of your marriage. ☆ Invest in your marriage this week.
Looking for more? Check out these related blogs!
3 Ways To Have Better Sex In Marriage
My Spouse Wants Sex More Than I Do
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What Does Trust Look Like in a Healthy Marriage?
“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships,” according to Stephen Covey. This is especially true when it comes to trust in marriage.
Trust is essential; without it, maintaining a healthy marriage relationship is difficult.
It’s a word that is thrown around, but few take the time to actually define it. Trust is the confidence or belief that you have in someone. From that belief, you create a picture in your mind of that person. Based on their behavior, they either confirm your initial, positive view or create a negative one. Your ability to trust in marriage is established in your relationship prior to entering your marriage and should continue to grow after you say, “I do.”
Here are key trust areas in a healthy marriage:
1. Trust that we are a team, first and foremost.
In many marriage ceremonies, the statement, “Forsaking all others” is included. When you think about that vow, it means that you and your spouse became a family on the day you married and are TEAM #1. You went from ME to WE! That means making your marriage the priority. Yes, over self, over friendships and family, and over children.
2. Trust that you will be faithful.
Trusting your spouse to only share their physical self with you is a hallmark of marital faithfulness. Being faithful is not just limited to your physical relationship.
It also includes being trustworthy and honest about how and with whom:
- You’re sharing your emotions, dreams, struggles, and goals.
- You spend your time.
- You spend your money (and how much debt you have).
3. Trust that you will not purposefully try to control or harm me.
It’s important that an environment of safety and security be present in a healthy marriage. Even in the midst of normal conflict, be intentional to care for, love, and respect each other.
Choose words that inform, not inflict harm on your spouse.
4. Trust that you love me for me, not for what you can get from me.
Your spouse needs to feel loved for who they are on the inside not how they look on the outside. Being assured that your spouse would choose you again despite any physical or financial changes only forms a stronger bond between you.
5. Trust that we will turn to each other, not on each other.
In marriage, you will experience ups and downs, sadness, and hurts. As you go through the down times, leaning on each other helps lighten the load.
Knowing your spouse has your back provides a sense of security in a healthy, trusting marriage.
There is no better feeling than reaching out your hand to your spouse, and they reach back out to you.
★ Now that we have talked about ways to trust in a marriage, it’s key to examine yourselves and the experiences that shaped the way you trust individually. Your trust picture becomes shaped by the experiences you have with friends, family, and co-workers.
Unfortunately, you may have experienced betrayals and disappointments in past relationships, even with friends and family.
In order to move past hurts and create a positive trust atmosphere in your marriage, you may want to ponder these questions:
How have friends/family/past relationships broken my trust?
Have I taken betrayals from my past out on my spouse?
Has my spouse given me a reason not to trust?
Now, you can begin to move past those hurts across a bridge to a brighter and more trusting marital relationship.
Past hurts don’t have to be passed hurts. Build trust.
Check out more marriage resources here!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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How we watch television, communicate with extended family, and even play video games with friends has changed tremendously in the last 20 years. Change is inevitable.
But what about when your spouse changes? Notice I said, “when,” not “if.” TV viewing, phone communication, and gaming was and is going to change. And there’s a good chance your spouse will also, which can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be.
There are 1,000 different changes a person may go through during the course of a long-lasting committed relationship. Some good and some not so good. (For the purposes of this blog, we’ll spend the majority of time focusing on changes that are meant to be for good.)
It may be a change in lifestyle, such as eating habits, a massive weight loss effort, or a change in thinking about things like politics, family, religion, etc. I’ve watched my spouse change and admittedly, it can be uncomfortable. You may question the security of the marriage, whether your spouse will still like you, or how it will affect how you do life together. Though you may know your spouse is growing and evolving as a person, the uncertainty can create anxiety.
There also may be the concern of, “Will we grow apart?” You had grown to really like the person you married. Now they’re changing. You’re not sure whether the two of you will continue to get along and enjoy one another.
Yes, there are some changes that are not healthy. They may be triggered for a number of reasons. Discussing those is for another blog.
In general, people grow, evolve, mature, and change as they learn and experience more of life. What drives couples apart is when we hold our spouse back from growth out of insecurity or fear.
How do you deal with a changing spouse?
Is the change bad for them as a person? Did they stop drinking or going to clubs? Did they start eating a vegan diet? Are they forming some new beliefs? If they’re changing for the intended betterment of themselves, then you should explore what really concerns you. Understanding their motivation can give you insight into the mind of your spouse.
Communicate from a place of curiosity, not fear or defensiveness. You will never stop getting to know your spouse. It’s easy to become comfortable with the image of your spouse, but marriage can stay fresh when you are continuing to learn about your spouse. Their changes don’t necessarily make your current way of thinking and doing things wrong. Your spouse may question things that you or they have done for years. They may not want to do them anymore. Be willing to ask questions and listen to their thought process.
Share your concerns while still giving your spouse the freedom to grow. The changes your spouse goes through do affect you and your relationship. Change isn’t always easy. Encourage your spouse to better themselves. Discuss the effects that changes can have on the relationship and the family. That will help everyone’s eyes be wide open as your spouse and sometimes the entire family changes their lifestyle. Stay connected and committed to the relationship as your spouse is learning new things.
Be patient. Your spouse may not understand how they’re changing during the process. This makes it difficult for them to communicate all their thoughts and desires. There may be some flip-flopping, for example going from vegan and back to non-vegan as they learn and become settled on what they feel is best for them. It’s a process. Keep a long-term view. Frustration may set in. Remember it’s a process that sometimes includes trial and error.
Know that you’ve changed. We’re all changing. Some in small, subtle ways. Others in big, major ways. Your changes could be easier to adjust to. Some people simply adjust to change more easily than others. Knowing there are some things that are different about you since the two of you met can give you comfort that change is inevitable. It can also be positive for the relationship.
As a married couple, part of our desire is to help our spouse be the best version of themselves. You grow with each other even if it appears your spouse is the one doing the growing. Through communication, understanding, and commitment to the relationship, you may simply be getting a birds-eye view of your spouse growing from good to great.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
3 Easy Ways to Make Your Marriage More Fun
What sounds better than a fun, fulfilling marriage? Nothing!!
If you’re married, you know keeping things interesting takes a little effort, but what things in life worth having don’t? You’ve signed up for a lifelong pursuit of your spouse and to fall in love with them over and over again. Having fun together helps naturally draw you closer and rekindle the flame.
1. Add elements of surprise!
- Text your spouse something spicy during the workday. Make it out of the blue and with no business attached, (aka, no talk about what’s for dinner or what needs to get done) just some good flirtatious banter.
- Surprise your spouse by wearing their favorite outfit or favorite outfit under your outfit (if you catch my drift) and suggest an impromptu date night.
- Send them something at work—could be something as small as a coffee or as grandiose as an edible arrangement.
- Pick something up for them while you’re out running errands just because.
2. Play together!
- Play is essential to having fun in marriage. There are not only relationship benefits to playing together but health benefits! The National Institute for Play (NIP) believes (and has the research to back it up) that play can dramatically transform our personal health and our relationships. It can be board games, video games, a puzzle, a Minute To Win It challenge, Dominos, cards, tag around the house, strip poker, or whatever your favorite way to spark some healthy competition is.
Play generates optimism, novelty makes perseverance fun and leads to mastery. Additionally, it gives your immune system a bounce, fosters empathy, and promotes a sense of belonging and community. Each of these by-products is an index of personal health, and their shortage predicts impending health problems and personal fragility.
3. Don’t shy away from passion!
- Light the candles, turn on some music, turn down the bed or change up the location, and enjoy the intimacy. Take time to be curious about your spouse, compliment them, cuddle up close, and turn off the phones. Alone time can be so beneficial and adventurous. It can reignite the passion and give you lovely serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin boosts (aka, the happy chemicals in your brain).
BONUS: Free date nights!
- Surely you’ve heard it before, so you’ll hear it again: Date your spouse. The romance doesn’t need to go down as the anniversaries go up. Try new places, carve out quality time, cultivate intimacy, and enjoy being one on one. There are tons of date night ideas, free virtual date nights, and date night DIYs right here on our site free to you!
It’s easy to have fun in your marriage when you realize having fun means creating fun! Enjoy laughing together, kissing one another, and everything in between.
Some more blogs you may be interested in:
- How To Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
- Couples Who Play Together
- 4 Ways to Be More Present With Your Spouse
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges
There are days you wake up and have no motivation to go to work. Times when you don’t feel like seeing your in-laws and weekends and there’s no desire to get out of the bed anytime between Friday evening and Monday morning. However, when the lack of motivation creeps into marriage and you begin struggling to even want to work through marital challenges, it’s time to sound the alarm.
Incessant arguing. Constantly feeling hurt and empty. Money issues. The never-ending feeling of being lonely. It can feel like the easy answer is to stop trying.
Is it unusual to get to a place in your marriage where you want to give up?
I would’ve answered this question with a loud “NO WAY” when I first got married, but then I talked to a couple who’d been married for over 40 years. I asked a simple question: “Did you ever want to give up on your marriage?”
They looked at me like I was crazy and said “Are you kidding me? Yes!” Then, they shared some dark moments in their marriage. Moments of betrayal of trust and times of extreme disconnect. They admitted there were times when they just weren’t sure. But, they also said, “We’re glad we stuck in there because we wouldn’t trade these 40 years for anything.”
How’d they do it? How did they stay motivated when they were experiencing difficult marital challenges? The couple told me their secret: “You just have to remember.”
“Remember what exactly?”
Remember your why.
Why’d you get married in the first place? People marry for several different reasons: love, kids, a passion for another, to have companionship. Your why doesn’t have to match anyone else’s why. The neverending nature of your why can help you outlast the temporary challenges you face in marriage.
Remember your story.
Pictures. Videos. Experiences. Memories mean little without the story attached to them. You look at them to remember the story. It connects you with the positive energy captured during the moment that’s worth remembering. Let that energy motivate you to keep going. Your story helps you remember what you’ve built together.
It isn’t just about reliving your past. It’s about guiding and maintaining your perception of your spouse and your marriage. It is about truly seeing the person you’re with. It’s about being reminded of who you are and even how you’ve evolved over the years.
Remember to never stop connecting.
Keep searching for better ways to communicate, be playful, and spend quality time with one another. Regardless of how challenging marriage gets, to stop communicating is never the answer. Connecting in hard conversations, through disappointments, and in the midst of hurt is better than not communicating at all. Anytime you stop talking, you’ll slowly feel the wedge between the two of you grow bigger.
Remember you’re not alone.
Hearing a couple who had been married for 40 years share some of their darkest moments was motivational for my own marriage. They were proud to have made it 40 years, and I could sense they felt their life was better for it. Since then, I’ve learned many couples, if not most couples, have gone through difficult moments where they felt like giving up was really the best option on the table. So, when you find yourself hurting and questioning if it’s worth it to hang on, reach out to other couples who have walked the road before you and made it to the other side in one piece. Connecting with other healthy couples who are willing to be honest and real can inspire you to stay focused on your marriage when it appears hopeless. Also, a good marriage counselor can help you work through some of the toughest marriage challenges.
Remember yourself.
Sometimes we get so focused on what our spouse is or isn’t doing we lose sight of ourselves. Research shows when a person has a negative perception of work, family, themselves, and just life in general, they are more likely to be unhappy in their relationships. Continue to grow and practice good self-care. It may help you to get a fresh perspective that can help you thrive in the midst of some of the most difficult times.
When you remember these things, you’ll realize no matter how big the problems may seem, your commitment to each other is bigger. The urge to stop trying is real. But, you have everything you need in your memory bank to fight the urge to quit and help your brain to keep moving forward. The darkest part of a cave is right before you see the light. Focus on using the tools you have to get to the light and stop the darkness from making you a permanent resident.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
5 Common Problems in Marriage
There are lots of things that can make your marriage great. Inevitably, your marriage will run into some bumps and cracks in the road that can cause problems. Those problems don’t have to become craters in your journey. Awareness of common marital issues can help you avoid many of them. It can also prepare you to work through them when they seep into your marriage. Here are some of the most common problems couples experience in marriage.
1. Unspoken Expectations
You know the disappointment you feel when your spouse didn’t do something you fully expected them to do. You were coming home late from work and you expected him to have dinner on the table. Instead, there’s no dinner. He expected you to spend all your recreation time with him, yet you made plans with your girlfriends on Saturday night. But the catch is, these expectations were never spoken. They were just running through your mind.
Unspoken expectations are a setup for disappointment. We often don’t realize we have them until they aren’t met. We may expect our spouse to be able to anticipate our every need or know the keys to “making us happy.” They’ve come from our experiences, history, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes they’re informed by what we see through entertainment, social media, or other “seemingly” happy couples. We have expectations about parenting, household responsibilities, money, dealing with in-laws, sex, work, etc.
They become problems when we don’t talk about them. Write them down. Have conversations about them. Communicating about them helps prevent disappointment, frustration, and hurt. It will help you have realistic expectations that will bring you closer together.
2. Poor Communication
If you hear a couple discussing a problem they’re having in their marriage, you can almost guarantee there’s some miscommunication around the issues. What he is saying is not what she is hearing. And what she is saying is not what he is hearing. People hear things differently. Examples of poor communication that have become common in some marriages include: the silent treatment, criticism, listening only to respond, expecting your spouse to read your mind, and talking over one another. Poor communication or lack of communication can lead couples to have negative perceptions of their spouse purely based on a misunderstanding.
Knowing the communication traps that are easy to fall into is half the battle. Learning to hear, communicate, and understand one another’s thoughts, emotions, and desires can turn communication into a strength in your marriage.
3. Money
It’s been said many times that if a couple can learn how to work together regarding money, then they’ll be able to work through anything. Research tells us that money is the number one thing that couples argue about. Your spending habits reflect your values. Your values are important to you, just as your spouse’s values are important to them. It’s normally not the money itself that causes the issues, though. It’s coming into agreement on what to do with the money that causes arguments and disagreements.
Secret bank accounts and wild spending habits can destroy a marriage. Openly communicating with each other about future plans, necessary purchases, and your goals can help the two of you be on the same page regarding money matters. Working together regarding how you manage your money can set you up to overcome any issue you face in your marriage.
4. Technology and Social Media
With the rise of employees working from home and the increased integration of technology in every facet of our lives, couples are in the same bed at night during the time which used to be designated for pillow talk—but they’re not talking. Instead, they’re connecting with old friends, looking at videos, shopping, playing video games, surfing the net, and generally putting their attention toward their screen instead of their partner. It’s distracting couples from loving one another and causing others to compare their relationships to what they see on social media.
Setting aside screen-free time that allows the two of you time to focus on each other will help both of you feel valued within your marriage. Be intentional about nurturing your relationship and appreciating what makes your relationship satisfying.
5. Intimacy
When couples speak different intimacy languages and aren’t able to understand one another, it’s a recipe for marital conflict. Whether it’s understanding each other’s needs for connection and vulnerability, or romance and sex, if you don’t know what arouses your partner, then you run the risk of living with a big intimacy void in the marriage.
Open conversation to discuss what makes each of you feel the most connected. Periodically doing marital checkups to make sure you’re staying connected can strengthen your marital intimacy.
None of these problems have to destroy your marriage. Working together to deal with problems in marriage will create a bond and security that gives you the confidence that your marriage can make it through anything. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. Having other healthy married couples in your lives you can talk to or seeing a good marriage counselor can help you overcome problems that are very difficult for the two of you to solve together. Problems don’t have to be something that you dread. Instead, they can be opportunities to strengthen your relationship and bring positive growth.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Married. You and your spouse talk every day and you sleep in the same bed. You share bills and responsibilities. Of course, you have sex. You do all the things married couples do. Yet you so often feel unheard and unknown by your spouse.
You don’t feel like your spouse knows your hurts and pains. They’re unaware of what causes you to be fearful or insecure. When the two of you talk about personal or intimate matters, you don’t feel like your spouse gets you even though you shared exactly what you were thinking and feeling.
You’ve made comments to express your feelings that they didn’t get. Your conversations are not fulfilling. It’s made your sex life one-sided because you don’t feel known or heard so you’re not as into giving yourself to your spouse in that way. And you’re not sure if they notice or even care.
How does this happen?
One possible explanation is your spouse isn’t curious about you anymore. Curiosity pushes someone to want to know all the complexities of their spouse’s thoughts, personality, dreams, and feelings. It drives you to understand how past experiences affect your spouse in the present.
Curiosity can stop for several reasons:
- Your spouse believes they know all the important things there are to know about you.
- The busyness of life has subconsciously shifted the priorities.
- Your spouse has become more focused on themself.
- Complacency in the relationship and in their own personal growth.
As a result, spouses often don’t hear their partner’s cries to be heard. They miss the snarky comments, make assumptions about the marital silence, and overlook opportunities presented to show they hear and know you. You may be evolving or even changing, but your spouse still speaks to you based on how you thought when the two of you first got together.
What can you do about it?
Yes, you have to talk about it. The struggle of letting your partner know you’re feeling unheard and unknown is getting them to hear from you. Ironic, right? This is a conversation that my wife and I had for years before I finally heard her. Did I think I’d heard her before? Of course, I did! I’d listened to what she said and tried to treat her based on the words she said. However, she knew I didn’t hear her because I didn’t become genuinely curious about her. I was still interacting with her as if she hadn’t grown or evolved since we first met. Consequently, I was missing out on getting to really know her and her new ideas, dreams, and desires.
You’ve probably tried many times to get your spouse to really hear and know you. All to no avail.
Here are the keys to being truly heard by your spouse.
- Gentleness. Getting louder, forceful, or playing the blame game is not the way to get heard. Marriage therapist and researcher John Gottman has coined the phrase, “Gentle Start-Up.” You can attack your spouse with insults or approach your spouse with gentleness. It hurts to be married and feel unknown, but to approach your spouse with anger and rage is more likely to cause defensiveness than to birth helpful conversation.
- Be Direct. Don’t Hide Your Emotion. Your spouse does need to see your emotions in a healthy way. Nothing violent, abusive, or manipulative. Hurt, neglect, sadness, and loneliness are all real emotions that can help your partner understand the gravity of the problem.
- Perception. Approaching your spouse from the perspective that they do want to make you happy. They love you and want your marriage to work. Battling the tension between feeling like your spouse is not interested in you and knowing they love you and want you happy can be tough, but it is doable.
- Clarity. What makes you feel heard and known? When do you feel lonely within your marriage? It may take several conversations to communicate all that’s on your heart and even more for your spouse to get it. Repetition from a gentle spirit is helpful.
Don’t Give Up.
If the two of you are both well-intentioned and you both want the marriage to work, then keep pressing forward. Talking to other couples who have experienced similar struggles can be encouraging. Talking to a marriage counselor may be empowering. I’ve heard many spouses say that after so many years, “My spouse finally gets me!” When that happens, you go from the feeling of being unnoticed and unknown to experiencing levels of connectedness and intimacy that’s very difficult to find outside of a committed relationship. A marriage where you both feel heard and known is a relationship that offers the security and comfort which brings peace to the soul.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Find Good Relationship Advice
You want to have good relationships. You want a healthy marriage AND you want to be a great parent, a wonderful friend, fiancé, or co-worker.
But relationships are sometimes complex. They aren’t always easy. Issues arise. And if you’re like me, you could just use some help sometimes.
The internet gives us ENDLESS information on relationships. Just Google how to resolve conflict in marriage or how to parent a rebellious teenager. Then watch TONS of articles, blogs, videos, how-tos, and step-by-steps fill your screen.
It’s overwhelming.
And here’s the thing: can they all possibly be right? I mean, with literally thousands of resources out there on any given relationship subject, there’s got to be some conflicting information and something that’s not accurate. (As a matter of fact, there is.)
★ So when you and I are trying to get help in the area of healthy relationships, how do we know what kind of information to trust? How do you wade through the countless sources of information on your screen and determine which advice is legit?
I’ve been on both ends of this spectrum, searching for accurate relationship advice as well as writing relationship content as accurately as possible. And I can tell you there is a lot of good information out there, as well as a lot of bad.
Here are some pointers I’ve found helpful on how to identify reliable relationship advice.
Understand that relationships are something that’s actually researched.
Seriously, there’s a whole science behind it. There are a lot of experts and researchers out there looking at questions like what makes a marriage great, what kids need from their parents, what are the best ways to resolve disagreements, what role does intimacy play in relationships, etc. And, they’re observing and testing answers using psychological research techniques.
This is good to know because it tells us that there is, indeed, reliable information out there to tap into for our relationship questions and struggles. Good sources of information are typically (but not always) written by researchers who have either done the science themselves or by professionals who have used the science to counsel others. That’s usually what I want to look for when it comes to good relationship advice.
On the flip side of the coin… know that just because the word “research” shows up doesn’t always mean it’s great advice.
I’ve read countless articles using the words research says… or studies prove… or a survey of 500 people tells us… If you search for any kind of advice about relationships, you’ll find this, too. And it sounds very convincing.
But for many reasons, it doesn’t always mean you can trust the advice. For one thing, it’s easy for writers to twist the words of a piece of research out of context to fit their own point of view. Not to mention, a lot of research just plain isn’t done well. You don’t have to be any kind of research expert to take what you read or watch with a grain of salt or even sense there could be some missing information.
I’m not saying count these kinds of articles out. Give them a chance. Just approach them with a more critical eye. And here’s something I’ve found: if you come across an article that says some sort of research proves something, approach with caution. Researchers don’t try to prove anything. The goal of the research is to provide evidence of one thing or another and spark people to study the question even more. Claiming proof for something could be a big red flag that the writer could be twisting some facts.
All this goes to say, of course, to consider the source.
With any article or video, take a quick look at the author’s bio. Google them. Do they have a background in relationship research, education, or counseling? Are they associated with a university or an organization specializing in relationships like marriage or parenting? Do they have a product to promote? Does their writing seem to have an agenda? Does it sound like they have a chip on their shoulder (like they’re ready to pick a fight)? Or, are they simply trying to report the best information out there as objectively as possible? These are all important questions to consider.
Do a quick search on “reviews” or “criticism” of the author or the organization they represent. See what other people are saying about them.
I particularly like authors who are transparent about their own relationships and balance it with trustworthy fact-giving. Rather than making bold claims saying what they are doing in their own relationships is the way to go, thank you very much, they tend to admit where they’ve messed up before and humbly say let’s look at evidence of what’s healthy.
Prepare to do a little digging.
I’m confident telling you it’d be a mistake to only consider the first few pieces of relationship advice at the top of your search list. Sometimes these are reliable resources, but not always. The first sites popping up on a search list many times are determined by popularity factors or advertising dollars. This means you could very well be getting relationship advice based on opinions instead of qualified research, and on the fads families of “the rich and the famous” are doing. (This is just my two cents: it’s difficult for me to swallow trying to relate to Hollywood trends in marriage and parenting. I’m not dissing actors or performers; it’s just a totally different world from the norm, and it rarely reflects what we know to be healthy in relationships.)
Dig down below the first few search results and see what else lies beneath. This is often where you’ll find the real gold of reliable relationship advice.
Be cautious with sources that seem to run against the grain of what we already know to be healthy in relationships.
I get a little twitchy when I see titles like The Way We’ve Been Doing Marriage for Decades Is All Wrong! I don’t ignore those sources completely (Who knows?—they might have some good info after all…), but I do tend to read or watch it with a lot more discernment and savvy. Apply what’s been said above to these kinds of articles and determine for yourself if the information given is truly on the level.
Understand how easy it is to find information that supports your current view and quickly rest your case.
These days you can just about find anything that will claim to back up even the wildest of ideas on how to do healthy relationships. (“Survey Proves a Steady Diet of Tacos Will Improve Your Marriage” — I knew it!)
So if you’re simply trying to find something to support the opinion you already have, then guess what? You’re going to find it.
When approaching a piece of relationship advice that may run counter to your viewpoint, I find it helpful to give the information a chance. I’ll often think to myself, “Could there be the possibility that this differing opinion (other than mine) might have some truth to it?” And then, based on all the things I’ve talked about above plus a dose of common sense, I determine if the advice is worth taking.
If you truly want to learn what healthy marriages, parenting, friendships, dating, and work relationships look like, good information is out there for you to get your hands on. But it’s like swimming in the middle of the ocean. There is a virtual sea of information to swim through. Much of the advice is like currents which will guide you safely to the shore of healthy relationships. But there are some riptides of bad information that can drag you further out to sea.
One more thought to leave you with: finding relationship experts online can be extremely helpful.
But let’s not look past the fact that you probably have actual people around you in healthy (but not perfect) relationships who you can lean on. A get-together over coffee where you can ask this person (or couple) questions about how they do things in their relationships can provide some very practical wisdom.
Put the above ideas into practice, lean on the healthy people you know, and I guarantee you’ll learn more about what makes relationships healthy than you ever thought you could have.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
