How Your Family Can Celebrate Black History Month All Year Round
February 28th will come and go. Another Black History month completed. Your kids did a neat Black History project at school. You learned about Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, slavery, and Frederick Douglass. Now it’s back to normal. But you don’t want it to be. You want Black History month to positively impact how you see your country and see people of different races and ethnicities. You want to figure out how February can be a starting point for celebrating the unique contributions of diverse Americans and not just a time that’s limited to February.
As families, we have less control over what schools teach, society markets, or our government regulates. However, as a family, you can use the month of February to start conversations, enrich your experiences, and learn about different cultures. Hopefully, you’ll ignite a curiosity that can only be filled by continuing to engage in practices that celebrate African Americans’ contributions and the many rich heritages that make up America.
Here are some ways your family can celebrate Black History month all year round. None of this takes much work. It merely takes being intentional. Pretty soon, your kids will look forward to learning from and interacting with people of many different cultures.
Experiences
Often, the best way to learn about a culture and history is to immerse yourself in that culture.
Each month, visit a black-owned or uniquely black-operated establishment: restaurants, clothing stores, entertainment spots, places of worship, barbershop, boutique, etc.
You may get a few looks.
It’s ok. They are only trying to understand why you’re there.
Choose a day of the month to listen to music from predominantly black artists: jazz, blues, black gospel, hip hop, R&B, etc. (Think Motown Monday or Friday night Jazz.)
Experience the difference. Discuss what’s different from what you’re used to. What made you comfortable or uncomfortable? What’s good about it? What’s similar to what you’re used to?
Education
Visit museums, watch documentaries and movies, and read books.
As a family, choose a few months out of the year (for instance, once a quarter) to learn something new. You may watch a documentary or visit a museum. Read or listen to audiobooks. Libraries are full of children’s books that highlight various achievements and contributions of African Americans.
You may follow a theme throughout the year—for instance, music. You might visit the National Museum of African American Music, watch documentaries on the Harlem Renaissance, or play jazz throughout your home on Pandora or Spotify.
Another example—sports. You might learn about the Negro Baseball League, Jackie Robinson, Hank Aaron, etc.
*Terms to Google: Harlem Renaissance, The Great Migration, Langston Hughes, Zora Neale Hurston, Miles Davis, Tuskegee Airmen*
Discuss how what you’ve learned has influenced this country. How have the contributions made America a stronger or better nation? What have you learned that was not so positive?
Relationships
Develop authentic relationships with African Americans where you learn about their experiences. Of course, no one person or family represents the entire African American population. You’re learning about the individual and how their experience as an African American has impacted their life. Their experience as an African American will be different than another African American. Eat with them. Spend time together. Go to places of entertainment with them. Initiate conversations to better understand their story. Be willing to be uncomfortable to better understand.
Check your motives in the process. Do it for the right reasons, not just to check off the box to say you’ve done it, but out of a genuine desire to better understand differences. Diversity brings richness to a community that can’t be gained any other way. We have diverse relationships because we all benefit from them.
Curiosity often begets more curiosity. It’s easy to turn the calendar and return to being with those we’ve always been with. Talking to the ones we’ve always talked to. And listening to what we’ve always listened to.
But we can all be better. We become better through continual exposure, knowledge, and understanding. Let February launch us all to be better.
Related blogs:
- How to Talk to Your Child About Black History Month
- How Does Our Marriage Promote Diversity?
- 6 Things You Can Do to Help Your Child Be Diversity Aware
- 8 Ways to Teach Your Children About Race
- Racial Differences: How to Have Conversations and Build Relationships
- 10 Things You Should Know Before Talking with a Friend About Your Racial Differences
The Difference Between Sacrifice and Compromise in a Relationship
We throw the words compromise and sacrifice around quite a bit in relationships. But what exactly do they mean? And don’t they mean the same thing?
Well, the short answer is, not exactly. It’s complicated, kind of like relationships are sometimes. Read on to see what I mean.
Both sacrifice and compromise require someone to lose or give something up, but in two very different ways.
Compromise involves people meeting in the middle to solve a problem. Each person gives in a little… or a lot. Here’s a simple example: one person wants to meet for coffee at 11:00, while the other prefers 11:30. They meet in the middle and decide on 11:15. Each person gave up 15 minutes; problem solved.
Sacrifice is different, though. It requires one person to meet another where they are. They give up something to accommodate the other person regardless of whether they respond or give back. Another simple example: one person can only meet at 11:00 for coffee. Rather than reschedule, the other person gives up a prior engagement to meet with this person.
Compromise is a team effort toward a common goal, resolving conflict or disagreement. It’s mutual by its very nature. Everyone involved must give up something for it to be called compromise. A compromise works out differences.
A sacrifice is a solo act done to strengthen the bond between two people. One person gives something up for the relationship; the other person doesn’t necessarily have to, although relationships generally thrive when sacrifice is mutual. Sacrifice seals commitment.
The nature of sacrifice and compromise gets hairier when you consider different levels and depths of relationships.
Here’s what I mean.
Compromising on a coffee time with a co-worker is one thing. Settling with your spouse on how to raise your kids, save money, or where you’ll spend the holidays is a totally different ballgame. Deeper relationships call for deeper considerations.
Perhaps not so much with sacrifice. Giving up a career, living in a particular city, or spending a lot of time with other people is considered good in some relationships, but downright crazy in others.
**Compromise happens in all healthy relationships to some degree. Sacrifice is probably more appropriate for long-term, committed relationships. And problems can occur when we get those two concepts mixed up.**
As a matter of fact, it’s possible to sacrifice for the wrong reason. An interesting piece of research found that when one romantic partner gave something up for the good of the relationship, both partners had higher than average relationship satisfaction.
On the flipside, both partners felt less satisfied in their relationship when a partner gave something up to avoid guilt or hurt feelings.
Did you catch that? The same behavior—sacrificing for one’s partner—had opposite effects depending on the motive behind it. Your reason for sacrifice makes a difference.
What can we take away from these ideas?
- Disagreements happen. Compromise can help solve problems and keep relationships healthy.
- Sacrifice isn’t always the best option, like maybe in a new dating relationship. It can even be harmful. But when it is appropriate (think marriage), both people benefit from it.
- Compromise costs, but it’s typically refundable. If a compromise doesn’t work, you can usually step back and try something else.
- Sacrifice is also costly, but it usually has a no-return policy. It’s risky. And it shouldn’t be done recklessly.
- Carefully weigh your relationship’s depth and outlook (and the issue you need to solve) before sacrificing or compromising.
Some say compromise is the foundation of a relationship. Others say throw compromise out the window and selflessly sacrifice.
I say there’s a time and a place for each: compromise freely and sacrifice wisely.
Related blogs:
- DOWNLOAD: STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS EBOOK
- 6 WAYS TO AGREE TO DISAGREE WITH MY SPOUSE
- HOW TO HAVE HARD CONVERSATIONS WITH CO-WORKERS
- COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The Year of Change
If 2020 were a movie, the storylines would make your head spin. Murder hornets, politics, a pandemic, and quarantine. Racial unrest, job loss, and Zoom. Economic roller coasters, working and learning from home, professional from the waist up, and more.
Add in crazy and unpredictable twists, turns, drama, pain, loss, even unexpected joy, and you have quite the Drama-Sci-Fi-Action-Thriller-Documentary.
We may have been taking some things for granted (until 2020).
Thank goodness 2020 is almost in the rearview mirror. Goodbye and good riddance! It’s pretty unlikely anybody will be sad to see it go.
But, like a lot of other life experiences, while nobody would wish to go through some of what 2020 brought us, there might be a few folks who wouldn’t trade what they learned about things we often take for granted. For example:
- the value of spending time with people we love and care about face to face (not over Zoom or FaceTime);
- the privilege of being by someone’s bedside when they’re sick;
- your presence at your family member or friend’s wedding;
- getting to go to work;
- going out to dinner and a movie for a date night;
- being live and in person at a sporting event;
- attending a faith-based service;
- throwing a party for friends;
- being able to attend the funeral of a loved one;
- children being able to go to school and the teachers who pour into them;
- the amazing truckers, first responders, grocery store workers, team members in the food processing industry; and
- just being able to go outside and be around others.
We could add way more to this list, I’m sure.
The point is, major disruption offers the opportunity for growth. Even when things normalize a bit, we (hopefully) won’t forget that all the things we thought were just a way of life aren’t necessarily so.
Embracing Change
Life can change in an instant, and we saw that during this year of change. The things we thought were so important took a back seat. Caring for our existing relationships and building new ones with people who aren’t “just like us” took on greater importance. The pandemic actually showed what can happen when we all come together to help meet others’ needs.
There were monumental accomplishments, too.
Individuals figured out how to help farmers get food from their fields and into the hands of hungry people. Right in the middle of the quarantine, people helped those who lost their homes in the tornadoes. We figured out how to host drive-in concerts and worship services. And we celebrated milestones through technology, drive-by parades, and window visitation at nursing homes.
In so many instances, people said for years, “We could never do that,” or “That would never work.” The pandemic helped us see we could make it work, and it probably won’t return to the way things were before after it’s over. Maybe the pandemic helped discover a better way forward. Wouldn’t that be a shocker?!
Speaking of moving forward and embracing change this year, this is my final column here as I seek to strengthen marriages across the globe in my new role at the WinShape Foundation.
Over the last 21 years, it’s been an incredible privilege to journey with you through life. Hopefully, the research and insights I’ve shared helped us all build strong relationships in every season and get through tough times (like 2020) together.
Mitchell Qualls, Operations Director for First Things First, will step in to continue bringing you relevant and relatable family-strengthening information. He is very passionate about helping people strengthen their relationships through writing content and facilitating events (when we’re able to do that again).
Mitchell married his high school sweetheart, Dalet, in 2004, and they have two children, Yadi and Bella. He is an avid baseball fan and loves running and hiking with his family.
Wishing you all the best in 2021!
A Letter from Julie Baumgardner
Dear First Things First friends and supporters,
If I had to choose two words to describe 2020, they would be: unexpected change. Who knew? The first two months were just rolling along and then… BOOM! Nothing was as we expected it to be. In hindsight, I don’t know why we’re all so surprised. Life is nothing but one change after the other. Yet somehow these BIG UNEXPECTED CHANGES seem to take us by surprise.
In spite of the pandemic, the First Things First team has continued to provide resources to people helping them navigate through COVID-19 during some of their most challenging moments. This makes me excited and proud all at the same time.
An unexpected personal event occurred in my own life when I received a call asking me if I would consider interviewing for a position. For the first time in 23 years, I felt strongly that I was supposed to walk through that door.
In January, I will be taking on the role of Senior Director at the WinShape Foundation working on an international initiative to strengthen marriages across the globe. I truly believe this is what I have been called to next. And yes, now my life is going to change. All from a phone call.
Can you even believe it?!
FTF is in good hands with Lauren Hall who has been named interim CEO. She has been our Director of Communications for five years and has done an incredible job leading us into the world of all things virtual. With the depth and strength of the FTF team, Lauren will continue to carry out the mission and vision of First Things First.
I love FTF and wholeheartedly believe in every aspect of the work. The FTF team is like my family. They are a gifted group of people who are sold out to helping people have healthy relationships in every area of life. Strong, dedicated, fun, gifted, and creative are just a few of the words I would use to describe them. I will miss them for sure, but know that they are prepared to carry on.
At the moment, I am wavering between sadness about leaving and excitement about the road ahead. I fully intend to continue to support FTF financially and take advantage of the resources they create.
Thank you for your support and encouragement through the years. FTF would not be where it is without you.
Sincerely,
How Practicing Gratitude Can Strengthen Relationships
As Thanksgiving approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude and how it impacts me and my relationships. Think for a minute about what it feels like when someone says to you, “Your smile made my day!” or “Thank you for checking in on me.”
Several studies confirm the benefits of being grateful:
- Grateful people are happier, healthier, have stronger relationships, and are more resilient in adversity.
- Gratitude leads to positive behaviors toward your spouse and others. The feeling of gratitude motivates responsiveness to a spouse’s needs. The perception of gratitude results in feelings of gratitude in the other spouse, creating a positive cycle over time.
- Gratitude is linked to higher subjective well-being across the lifespan.
- Everyday gratitude acts as a kind of “booster shot” for romantic relationships, leading to greater connection and satisfaction.
There’s something about not being taken for granted and feeling valued that makes people feel better. Gratitude warms your heart and can lift both the giver and the receiver out of despair.
Gratitude impacts how we relate to others and how we feel about our circumstances. What you choose to focus on is where your focus remains. Concentrating on the negative when things are hard can overwhelm you, and it teaches your brain to hone in on the worst. The alternative is to choose gratitude and find things you can appreciate during all the hard stuff going on in your life.
I once received an unexpected package in the mail. It was a bubble machine from a friend that included a note saying how much she appreciated our friendship. She encouraged me to put that bubble machine to good use in our neighborhood to lift people’s spirits. Trust me when I tell you, that bubble machine brought a lot of joy and laughter to people young and old.
Practicing gratitude doesn’t have to be complicated, time-consuming, or expensive. It’s an intentional effort though to acknowledge what we are thankful for and a willingness to receive gratitude from others.
Now that you know practicing gratitude strengthens your relationships, you may be looking for ways to incorporate thankfulness into your life on the regular. If so, you’ll be glad to know there are lots of ways you can show people how thankful you are.
Here are five ways to practice gratitude that will strengthen your relationships:
- Tell someone how much you appreciate ______________. Thankfulness says, “You matter.”
- Write thank you notes to people you are close to, including your children, spouse, parents and friends who wouldn’t necessarily expect anything.
- Write a letter thanking someone who has deeply impacted your life. Tell them you appreciate the ways they have encouraged and supported you.
- Be intentional about expressing appreciation out loud. Sometimes we think about how grateful we are on the inside, but we forget to verbally say it to the person. It can be something as simple as telling your neighbor (instead of just thinking it) how much you enjoy all the flowers blooming in their yard or telling a family member how much you appreciate them checking in on you.
- Keep a gratitude journal focusing on what you are thankful for in different relationships in your life. This is especially great for those times when you are struggling and need a good reminder of all you can be thankful for.
Practicing gratitude isn’t always easy, and it may even seem hard to be thankful right now, but our relationships will be much stronger and happier when we express our thankfulness to the people in our lives.
Photo by Nicholas Bartos on Unsplash
What To Do When Your Family Disagrees About Politics
“There are two things you don’t talk about: religion and politics.” I’ve heard that phrase since childhood. Seems like useful advice, but is the best way to address politics with your family not addressing it? Maybe it is, especially if your family disagrees about politics. Still, I don’t think it has to be the only choice.
As families come together for the holidays during a presidential election year, politics can be a sticky subject. If your family disagrees about politics, you have two choices. Either you don’t talk about it or establish some ground rules for how you’ll address the disagreements. Remember, first and foremost, your family’s relationships are more valuable than being right about a political dispute.
Here are some ideas for how to keep the conversations civil when family members disagree:
(If you decide to engage in politics…)
Be respectful.
We don’t always agree with our family, whether that’s lifestyle choices, parenting styles, politics, the list goes on, and it’s okay. We’re humans, not robots. We should have opinions and passions, but just because I disagree with you doesn’t mean I should disrespect you. If you embark on a political discussion and the encounter gets heated, put on the brakes. Before the conversation begins, lay some ground rules. A few rules could be no raising voices, no profanity, and no personal insults. The relationship is more important than voicing your opinions.
Be open to learning.
Our political beliefs are often influenced by our individual situations. It’s okay to ask someone who disagrees with you politically why they believe what they believe. Don’t ask to respond but ask to understand. When we know the why behind someone’s political beliefs, we are often more compassionate toward that belief. This isn’t about swaying them to your side but genuinely understanding their point of view. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I disagree but understand and respect your viewpoint.” Being right should not be the goal; maintaining the relationship should be.
Be prepared to stop the conversation.
Politics bring on passion. When our heart rate increases and we get very passionate about what we’re discussing, we have a greater chance of speaking before we think. Be careful not to let your passion lead you to say something that will negatively impact the relationship. Remember, our goal here, if you choose to approach the subject of politics, is to have a civil discussion without damaging our family. A great way to pause a conversation is to say, “Thanks! You’ve given me something to think about. Can we come back to this topic at a later time?” Both parties feel heard.
Parents, this is for you… lean in. Be cautious about how you engage in political disagreements with kids around. Politics is an alien world to young children and can be very nasty. It’s not fair for kids to feel like they have to choose sides when family disagrees. They are watching what you say and how you react to those who disagree with you. Do take the opportunity to talk to them about the political process. Maybe have that discussion at your home. Check out this resource: How to Guide My Child Through Election Season.
So when your family disagrees about politics, remember this… relationships are more important than politics. As you prepare to gather for the holidays, this year may look a little different. It may be a little more stressful. But be diligent not to let political opinions damage the relationships you have with your loved ones.
10 Ways To Create Comfort In Your Life
Close your eyes. Imagine drinking your favorite drink, smelling your favorite candle, sitting in front of the fire snuggled in a blanket, taking the first bite of your mom’s mac ‘n’ cheese, getting a shoulder rub, and smelling freshly-baked cookies—then taking a bite of one straight from the oven.
Open your eyes. What did you feel? For many, the word comfort comes to mind—something many of us are looking for during these very challenging times. Finding a place of comfort allows us to escape from the stressful things happening around us and experience soothing moments.
It’s a challenge for many to find relief or comfort from stress, anxiety, and uncertainty, yet we desperately need to. Many folks are great at creating comforting moments for others, but when it comes to being intentional about creating comfort in their world, well, not so much.
You can be intentional, even in times of extreme stress, about building soothing moments into your day that allow you to escape. If you’re thinking you just can’t afford to do that, here’s hoping you will reconsider. You really can’t afford not to. We all need moments that allow for a break in the action to hit the refresh button. It’s good for us, and it’s good for the people around us.
Here are some ways to create comfort in your life:
- Make a list of all the things you love that make you happy. Do some of those things daily.
- Indulge in your favorite comfort meal. You know, all the stuff you would typically say, “I shouldn’t be eating this…” Eat that and savor every second of it guilt-free.
- Take time out for a walk. Make a point of looking up at the sky, watching the trees, and looking for wildlife. Pay attention to your breathing. Avoid thinking about things that are stressful in your life at the moment. Literally, take a break.
- Laugh. Watch a funny show or talk to that friend who always makes you laugh.
- Listen to soothing music, read a book or magazine, work on a puzzle, or on your hobby. Doing something that distracts you from the day’s stress and anxiety can be relaxing and bring comfort.
- Sit outside in the sun and enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet. Or lock yourself in the bathroom, light a candle, and soak in a warm bath.
- Pray or meditate. Many find this comforting.
- Spend time with your pet. If you don’t have one, some shelters are letting people foster pets during the pandemic. You can always ask to visit your neighbor’s pet. Research shows spending time with a pet has health benefits and brings comfort.
- Think about all the good things happening in your life. Having gratitude for what you do have can bring comfort in the face of challenges.
- Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers because you’re worth it. If flowers are your thing, make a bouquet from your yard or grab some from the store and place them where you’ll see them frequently throughout your day.
You don’t have to do all (or any) of these things to create more comfort in your life. Choose things that bring you the most comfort or make your own list. The goal is to create an environment in your home that is comforting and safe where relationships can thrive. Now get comfy!
Related: 5 Signs You Need Some Alone Time
How to Plan for the Holidays Without Getting Stressed Out
For many of us, planning for the holidays is just another thing to add to our long list of things that stress us out. I felt the pressure as I walked into Home Depot over the weekend—I was greeted by a HUGE variety of holiday decor.
OMG! It’s that time of year, again.
This year, like no other, will cause you to search for the true meaning of the holidays and new ways to celebrate.
As you prepare for this upcoming holiday season, here are a few questions to consider:
- What’s the meaning of the holidays to you and your family?
- In the past, what have the holidays looked like?
- What are some of your family’s favorite holiday traditions?
- This year, what will be different?
- What needs to change?
Personally, the holidays are a time of celebration and gathering. It usually includes families who travel and friends who are like family. Food and fun are the centerpieces of activity. However, this year requires more conversation and planning beyond the menu and what football game is on television. Below are some ideas to consider as you make your holiday plans.
Think About Other Years The Holidays Were Different. Learn From Them!
This year will be like no other, but there may have been some years that didn’t go according to tradition. I recall one Thanksgiving where I had to work on the day after, but I wanted to have dinner with my out-of-town family. We decided to meet midway between our homes so we could be together. The only thing open was a southern-style restaurant. We were the only people there, and the food was pretty good. Was it our traditional holiday? No. But it is one of the ones that my children talk about and remember the most.
Consider Creating New Traditions.
Change is not always comfortable for our near and extended family. A tradition becomes a tradition because it has meaning, and it occurs over time. Traditions take many forms: from using Grandmother’s china and silverware to who carves the turkey. As your family grows, it’s inevitable that change will occur. You may have had to create new traditions or adapt old ones. Different doesn’t mean deficient. It’s just different.
Create A Plan.
You have considered how things used to be. Now, think about the new possibilities for the holidays. It’s ok to look at a variety of conditions in order to create a plan that works for your family this year. (You may need to work on contingency plans as well.)
Here are some thoughts that may enhance your planning:
- What are the latest health guidelines and recommendations?
- Are we willing to travel? If not, will we allow family to come to us?
- How many people can attend?
- Should we be tested before gathering?
- Should we gather in homes or try to find a large space for our festivities?
- Can we celebrate earlier? Later?
Talk and Listen to Family
Seek out your family to discuss plans. Everyone may not be on the same page and that’s ok. Be open and willing to be flexible with the plan. Listen for concerns and fears, but also new opportunities. Remember the meaning of the holidays and how you can work together to make it come together this year.
Family and friends are what matter. The holidays are moments of concentrated time we have with those we care about the most. It may not look the same as it has in the past. It may actually be better because we’re keeping first things first.
