How long should a couple be engaged before getting married? Great question! There isn’t a “magic number” and it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is how well you both really know each other and if you are both ready– individually and relationally –for that big “forever” next step.
To help guide you through this thought process, let’s see what some experts have to say and what conclusions they’ve gathered from research.
According to a recent study, the average engagement length for U.S. couples was 15 months. The study represents feedback from more than 25,000 couples married in 2019.
There are different factors that can play into having a longer and shorter engagement. It boils down to what is best for you two. It’s important to know the difference between having a reason for a long engagement and one of you not wanting to commit and pick a wedding date.
Reasons for having longer engagement:
- Are you still in school?
- Are you long distance?
- Are you living abroad?
- Are you saving money for the wedding to pay for it upfront?
- Do you have commitments that are presently keeping you busy and you need time to plan?
- Most importantly, are you still getting to know each other?
John Van Epp, author and relationship expert, believes that within “three to six months you can begin to know someone, but like looking through a microscope at its lowest power, you can only see certain things in that amount of time.”
Dating someone for an extended period allows you to see certain things that may not become evident right away. Having history together provides understanding into who they really are because you have seen how each other handles different kinds of situations. You may not need a long engagement because you’ve already taken the time to put in the relationship work to get to know each other well. The important thing is that the relationship is ready for marriage.
“A relationship needs time for things to normalize. Many people are very flexible in the infancy of a relationship, but as time goes by they become less flexible. By taking things slow and easy you give your relationship time to grow up and you get to see how the person will really treat you.” says relationship expert, Julie Baumgardner.
A study by the Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies: Mate Selection Processes and Marital Satisfaction, found that couples who dated for more than two years consistently scored higher on marital satisfaction than those who dated less than two years.
According to research done by John Birtchnell and John Kennard. MRC Social Psychiatry Unit, Institute of Psychiatry, London, “couples which are better acquainted before marriage have significantly higher rates of marital quality.” And in the case of couples
who are less acquainted, they experience greater problems when they face the inevitable difficulties of marriage.
“Long engagements are helpful when individuals are at significantly different places in their lives,” says Scott Haltzman, author and relationship expert. So, if you or your partner are in the midst of some of those things listed above, it might be better to take some time on the front end to get it sorted before the wedding. It also allows time for premarital education.
Haltzman also says that a prolonged engagement gives couples an opportunity to engage in premarital education so that they can learn skills that helps couples navigate the marriage journey. Pre-marital education is incredibly important no matter how long you are engaged.
In addition, Scott Stanley, a marriage guru and research professor at the University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies, argues that one of the primary reasons premarital education has value is because it slows couples down and fosters greater deliberation. In the article, Making a Case for Premarital Education in Family Relations Academic Journal, Stanley says the lack of time in a premarital relationship has been shown to correlate with higher rates of divorce in the subsequent marriage.
However, there is a growing love for shorter engagements. Remember, it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. If you have dated a really long time, gone through pre-marital education, seen each other respond to problems, differences, and stressors, you might not need a long engagement.
Though being engaged feels separate from dating because of the mutual desire for commitment for the future, there is some overlap in this limbo. You aren’t married yet and you’re more than a girlfriend/boyfriend– nonetheless, you’re still dating and your goal is to continue getting to know each other so that there aren’t any big surprises about a person after you marry them.
What it boils down to is figuring out what is best for the two of you based on where your relationship is right now. Have you laid a strong foundation? Are you rushing things? Are you listening to other people’s opinions versus making a decision that is right for the two of you?
It’s a case by case basis, so don’t feel like you have to find a perfect equation, figure out what works for you.
Consider these blogs for some additional resources:
- 5 Common Misconceptions You Should Know About Marriage Before You Say “I Do”
- Conversations Every Engaged Couple Should Have Before They Say, “I Do”
- 7 Things You Need to Know Before “I Do”
- We’re Getting Married And Everyone Is Giving Us Advice… Who Do We Listen To?
- Free online Premarital Class!