This engagement season is something you’ve looked forward to. Being able to tell your family and friends that someone loves you so much that they want to spend their life by your side. In this season of excitement, planning begins and you ask each other questions about what you want your life together to look like.
However, for some of you, this season is weathering you. You’re tired of your fiancé saying, “What’s the rush on getting married?” “Why do we need to pick a date for the wedding? Let’s take our time.” Or something along the lines of, “Can we just enjoy being engaged for a while?”
I understand how frustrating that can be. You’re ready to run with the momentum. You’re committed and you don’t feel the need to postpone the inevitable.
If you feel like there’s something getting in the way of your fiancé wanting to continue forward, be a compassionate investigator and figure out why.
One reason could be that you were planning to marry during the pandemic and have had to rethink your wedding. This planning shift can muddy the conversation because it is something that has been outside of your control. If you two aren’t wanting to do an intimate wedding and would rather keep your plans, choosing a new date is in order. However, that in itself can be stressful. There is uncertainty right now with the ever-changing guidelines from the CDC. Plus, you’re in the midst of navigating a new normal. You are not alone, though. You are with 64% of couples having to postpone due to COVID-19. What should encourage you is that only 4% of those have completely canceled the wedding according to Forbes.
You have an opportunity to evaluate the next steps together. If you have been quarantining together and have been struggling to get along, take some time to evaluate what’s going on. Talk about what you two can do to fix the problems. Acknowledge that this could be a part of the hesitation to set a date. Here is a blog with questions to ask each other before coming out of quarantine.
If you know quarantine isn’t the culprit in the feet dragging to pick a date, here are some insights from relationship experts.
Psychologist Dr. Seth Myers is the author of Love Prescription, frequent blogger for Psychology Today and guest on “Good Morning America” and “The Early Show. ” He has spent years working with couples at his private practice in Los Angeles. Meyers suggests having a sit-down dinner with your fiancé with a calendar and notebook in hand and discuss the wedding. If you have an idea of when you want to be married by, lead with that. If your fiancé says that it’s too soon, ask why and provide solutions.
For example, if finances are a concern, be willing to compromise. Suggest a smaller wedding that you two could afford given your present financial circumstances. If your fiancé says that finances aren’t the only thing keeping him/her from setting a date, pull out your notebook and say you’ll make a list of what needs to happen in order to move forward and start planning. Give him/her a reasonable timeline and be as flexible as possible.
Dr. Meyers says if your fiancé keeps making excuses as to why the goals cannot be accomplished and continues in the “What’s the rush to get married?” mindset, it may be an appropriate time to consider having a conversation about calling off the engagement.
Be careful of letting “buts” get in the way of what is best for you both. Author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk,” Dr. John Van Epp reminds us that it’s easy to make ourselves think that we have to stay in a relationship. He says that’s not true, though. Just because you’ve dated forever, live together, you don’t want to break their heart, and/or love their friends and family doesn’t mean you need to be together. It’s a tough call to make when you’re invested, but it’s necessary if it’s best for the both of you.
Your feelings are valid, and what you’re going through others have experienced as well. At the end of the day, you are making a life-changing decision, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you want to continue to get to know your fiancé better and navigate this season in a way that gets you to a wedding date here are two blogs to help. One is on expectations and the other is on questions to ask before “I Do.”
Marriage is a beautiful thing when both people are all in. I hope that this helps guide you in what you need to do next.