Tag Archive for: Parenting

Change, Stress, and Happiness

For the last seven years, I’ve had the pleasure of working for First Things First, Inc. (FTF).

We’re a non-profit dedicated to helping every family have healthy relationship skills to pass down from generation to generation. I’ve served in several roles at FTF, but for the last twelve months, I’ve been honored to serve as President and CEO. 

This is my first of many articles to be published in this column for The Chattanooga Times Free Press.

Mitchell Qualls, our Vice President of Operations, is handing me the baton. I will continue to share research-based relationship skills and best family practices with you. I’m so grateful for the dedication and exceptional content Mitchell created over the last two years. I know many families in our community have been encouraged and empowered through his writing.

So, here we are in another time of transition.

A different byline will appear in this column. A new season is approaching. The holidays and the hustle and bustle are right around the corner. If there’s one thing that’s certain to stay the same in life, it’s change.

I’m thirty-two years old, I’ve been married to my husband Daniel for almost nine years, and we have a sweet, rambunctious three-year-old named Strider. At least once a week, my husband and I talk about what we can do to create a more consistent schedule. We’re convinced consistency will make daily life easier and make everything fall into place.

But the truth is, no matter how well we plan, we can always expect change.

We can’t prohibit the flu from taking over our household. We can’t keep the tree from falling down in our yard during a storm. We can’t stop mechanical issues from happening in our car. As much as we might wish it wasn’t true, change is here to stay.

However, we can choose how we support each other when change inevitably occurs.

In 2021, Cleveland Health Clinic reported people experience increased stress symptoms when going through change, and these symptoms increase the more change we encounter.

So, we’ve already determined change is inevitable, and now we know stress is also unavoidable. What’s the solution if we can’t avoid it?

A 2017 research article published in the Innovation in Aging journal through Oxford University Press revealed healthy family relationships can limit stress, increase the production of mood-boosting chemicals in your brain, and create a sense of belonging and unconditional love.

In other words, the best way to deal with life changes and the stress they create is to have a solid support system to rely on.

While we can’t plan for change, we can work toward building stronger relationships and families that will help us weather the storms and enjoy the sunshine on the other side.

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family Review, strong families have six significant qualities in common:

1: Appreciation/affection

2: Commitment

3: Positive communication

4: Time together

5: Strong coping skills

6: Spiritual well-being.

Over the next six weeks, we’ll take a closer look at each of these six qualities and suggest ways to assess them in your relationships, along with practical tools you can use to strengthen your family for generations to come.

I look forward to continuing this relationship journey alongside you.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

/0 Comments/by
,

Three Big Obstacles to Putting First Things First

Remember me?

It’s been over 3 months since I last wrote a column. On July 24th, we welcomed a new little girl to our family, Larkin Maeve Hall. She’s the sweetest baby, easygoing going, and loves to sleep… which is very different from what we experienced with her now four-year-old brother. What they say is true – no two babies are alike.

I worked until I went into labor, and then some.

I may have sent a text or ten from the hospital bed, and I may have taken a phone call or five while in labor. I’m not a workaholic. There were loose ends that needed to be tied before I could shut down my brain and focus. One week after Lark was born, I found myself checking emails, messaging staff, and wondering if I should just “stop by the office for a quick check-in.” My husband gently reminded me on multiple occasions to put my phone away and unplug so that I could enjoy the season we were in. After a bit of force, I realized that I wasn’t practicing what I preach. I needed to set sturdy boundaries for myself to give my family attention and connection. I needed to put first things first. 

Personalities, responsibilities, and experiences play a large part in someone’s ability to step away from their work, but I believe there are even bigger elements at play, and multiple research studies reinforce my theories.

Here are three big obstacles to putting first things first, and what we can do about it.

Obstacle 1:

Technology creates unrealistic expectations for responsiveness and availability.

Whether it’s a boss texting at 9 am on a Sunday or a colleague with a question while on vacation, technology has created an expectation for urgent responsiveness. “The expectation of constant availability… can lead to longer working hours and a lack of separation between work and personal life,” state researchers Priya Keshwani and Shweta Patel in their 2023 report: The Impact of Technology on Work Life Balance. “The boundary between work and leisure time becomes blurred, making it challenging for individuals to fully disconnect and recharge.”  

Solution: Verbally set boundaries and expectations with your coworkers.

Our First Things First team established a rule: Email is the primary source of communication for all work-related items. If an emergency occurs or an urgent matter needs to be addressed, a text or a phone call is acceptable even after hours. What defines an emergency? Something that will harm someone or the mission of the organization if not urgently addressed. All other matters can be responded to within a 24-48 hour period.

Obstacle 2:

A lack of support for parents means the parent/child relationship suffers.

You’ve heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to support a parent. A 2018 survey by Pew Research indicates that 15% of parents feel completely unsupported by their family or community, while 40% feel slightly or somewhat unsupported. This means over half of parents don’t feel they have the support they need to create the secure relationship with their children they desire.

Solution: Actively ask for help and accept assistance when it comes.

This is easier said than done and doesn’t look the same for every parent. In my recent experience, many friends and family assumed I was “fine” because it was our second baby, she was a good sleeper, and I’m a “high energy” individual who can “handle more than the average person.” When I expressed my need for a break to my Mom, she appeared in a heartbeat and said, “Thanks for letting me know what you need.” When friends asked if they could come to see the baby, I said “Yes, but please bring coffee, food, or grocery items with you!” 

Obstacle 3:

The average pace of life is faster, which means deep connection is harder to obtain.

It can be easy for families to assume that the more we do together, the closer we become. But a recent study conducted by Dr. Robert Whitaker, director of the Columbia-Bassett research program at Columbia University in New York City, found family connections are made at home. Whitaker reports that “the essence of family connection is children feeling that they are accepted and nurtured at home, which allows them to learn what their strengths and weaknesses are in a safe environment as they are building their identity.”

Solution: Slow down and create an environment where children are seen, heard, and feel like they belong.

“Adults do not need to make grand gestures to bond with their children,” says Elaine Reese, a professor of psychology at the University of Otago in Dunedin, New Zealand. “Having meaningful conversations is more important for your connection than taking them on expensive trips or doing extravagant things together.”

In essence, putting first things first isn’t easy, especially in our constantly connected, individualistic, and fast-paced world.

But, the next generation depends on it and the health of our families is determined by it. So, the question is how will you overcome the obstacles to putting first things first in your own life?

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

/0 Comments/by

How Parenting Style Predicts Teen Mental Health

Parenting is a complex reality where influence meets responsibility. Parents shape a child’s present and future. 

After recent surges in adolescent mental health problems and suicide, the nation’s leading public health authorities have declared an emergency.

Gallup, a global analytics and advisory firm, launched a study in the summer of 2023 to better understand the fuel behind the teen mental health crisis. Before seeking to understand the current state of teen mental health, it’s important to review the decades of research that link parenting styles to teen mental health.

In the mid-20th century, a significant surge of empirical research on parenting and child development took place. Pioneering psychologists Eleanor Maccoby, Diana Baumrind, and G.R. Patterson laid the foundation, highlighting the pivotal role of firm but warm parenting styles in fostering socially competent and mentally healthy children. Baumrind’s concept of “authoritative parenting” emphasized the necessity of considering a child’s needs while maintaining parental authority in decision-making. The essence of authoritative parenting lies in the delicate balance of affection, responsive attention to a child’s needs, and setting expectations for responsible behavior. 

Research spanning over a thousand studies has consistently affirmed that authoritative parenting predicts fewer mental health issues and problematic behaviors in adolescents.

Conversely, both authoritarian and permissive parenting styles correlate with higher risks of mental health problems and behavioral issues. 

The significance of parental influence goes beyond theoretical frameworks. Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ National Longitudinal Survey of Youth (NLSY97) emphasizes that qualities such as responsiveness, routine experiences, and parental monitoring predict fewer internalizing and externalizing problems in youth. The longitudinal nature of studies like the NLSY97 reveals the enduring effects of parenting into adulthood. Better relationships with parents during adolescence significantly correlate with improved physical and mental health well into an individual’s late 30s. 

Internationally, studies echo these findings, emphasizing the universal benefits of firm and warm parenting. While genetic factors may play a role in parenting responses, empirical evidence highlights that changes in the parent-child relationship distinctly impact adolescent mental health, suggesting a deeper influence than genetics alone. 

Understanding the impact of parenting on teen mental health is crucial.

So, which parenting practices best predict mental health outcomes? According to the 2023 Gallup study, the most powerful parenting practices identified in the survey relate to regulation and enforcement. The results show it’s less likely an adolescent will be in good mental health when their parents are passive or set little to no boundaries. Likewise, it is more likely adolescents will be in good mental health when parents share expectations, build routines, and provide tasks and responsibilities to be completed. Also, daily displays of affection and responding quickly to a child’s needs both predict better mental health.

Parents carry a large weight on their shoulders. For some, this information and hypothesis may make the weight feel even heavier. Seeking connection over control and setting firm boundaries when needed will provide the best outcome for your relationship and your child long-term.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

/0 Comments/by

From Two-Parent Households to Two-Household Children

The well-known statistic still rings true: about half of all first-time marriages in the United States end in divorce.

This stat increases in likelihood of subsequent marriages, reaching 70% for third-time marriages, according to a research-based article released by Forbes earlier this year. 61% of dissolved marriages involve children under the age of 18 living in the home.

What happens to the children whose parents choose to part ways?

For many years, the kids almost always ended up living with just one parent, typically the mom. But recent studies reveal a new trend is dramatically on the rise in the U.S.–joint physical custody. This means a child resides with each parent for an equal or significant amount of time.

A 2022 study released by Demographic Research revealed that the number of divorces ending in physical joint custody rose from 13% in 1985 to 34% in 2010. “Although the increase is steepest among high-income couples, it’s happening across the socioeconomic spectrum,” says Daniel Meyer, a social work professor at the University of Wisconsin at Madison who studies child custody.

How do the children fair who spend an equal or significant amount of time between two households?

A 2018 study released by the Family Process Journal reveals on average, children in shared arrangements tend to fare slightly better than those in sole custody on a variety of metrics, including life satisfaction, stress levels, and self-esteem. That being said, the majority of couples who share custody are usually better off financially, have higher levels of education, and have a more amicable relationship. This makes sense, considering it takes money to provide for a child and have consistent means of transportation.

While there are many advocates for joint physical custody and research shows the scenario is beneficial for children overall, it’s important to note in some situations—like if one parent is abusive or unstable, for example—sole custody is in fact what’s best for the child. 

Since the 19th century, full custody has been generally granted to the mom. However, in America’s earlier days, fathers were automatically given custody of their children because they were seen more as property. As women began to take on a more domestic role, these social dynamics shifted. Today, custody battles rage on for years, even as joint custody becomes more common. The reason? America is built on the premise there can be two parents, but only one household. Therefore, joint custody is difficult to measure and researchers are confident children in joint custody homes are often reported twice- because they are living in two households. Benefits, such as tax returns and medical insurance, can only be granted per household, which assumes all children are part of only one.

What does this mean for the future of families in America?

Here are three things to consider around this new “two household child” reality.

  1. Policies, procedures, and systems need to change for joint custody children and parents to receive the support and benefits they need. While a two-parent household is supported as the most beneficial for children and communities long-term, separation and divorce will inevitably continue. With a better understanding of joint custody and the value it can provide for children, it’s in our nation’s best interest to reevaluate the current workings around child custody and divorce proceedings. 
  2. Increased access to marriage education, therapy, and support could prevent some marriages from ending in the first place. Of course, custody wouldn’t be a topic of conversation if marriages were healthier. Supporting families begins with seeking to better understand what’s causing marriages to dissolve and providing assistance when possible. PewResearch and Forbes recently reported the number one reason for divorce was due to a lack of commitment in the relationship, with 75% of individuals saying they could no longer fulfill their wedding vows due to lack of desire and compatibility. Lack of commitment significantly surpassed infidelity and domestic abuse as reasons for divorce. 
  3. Joint custody may provide a sort of remedy to the “fatherlessness” crisis our country has faced for the last century. According to 2023 data released by the Census, the proportion of children growing up with a resident dad is at its highest since 1989. Slightly more than three-quarters of children today (75.9%), or 54.5 million of our nation’s 72.3 million, can count a resident dad as a housemate. Decades of research show children who grow up with their dads being consistently present in their lives are more likely to thrive physically, emotionally, and socially than children who grow up without their dads. 

There’s no point in ignoring the reality of two household children. While the complexities are obvious, it’s time to figure out a new path to support them. The answers will undoubtedly be complicated, but necessary nevertheless. 

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at lauren@firstthings.org.

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

/0 Comments/by

When it Comes to Parenting, Quality Matters More than Quantity

My son was born four years ago. I took a three month maternity leave and eased my way back into work, a luxury many parents do not have. I remember calling my sister-in-law one night (who is also a working mom) and sobbing to her about my life. I’m a horrible mom. My son is being cared for by someone else. Will he even know me? What if he thinks someone else is his mom?

My sister-in-law told me the best advice I’ve ever been given as a working parent, “Lauren. It’s the quality of time spent with him that matters, not the quantity.”

Her words calmed my nerves and made me view each moment I spent with my son that much more precious. But the best part is: her words are backed by research.

Dr. Melissa Milkie, Professor of Sociology at the University of Toronto, completed research in 2015 that focused on the effects of parental involvement with children. The study revealed that quantity of time mattered far less than the quality of interaction, especially for children under the age of 12. 

As parents, we often find ourselves doing a lot of things for our children. Making dinner, cleaning up, doing laundry, taking them from here to there. What if we seized the opportunity to not only “do” but to “be” for our children? What if we were to “be” intentional through connecting with them in conversation, playing with them and letting them lead activities?

Dr. Dan Siegal, a New York Times Bestselling Author and professor of psychiatry at UCLA, says just 10 minutes of intentional uninterrupted time of play, conversation and sharing of experiences with your child can do wonders for your relationship with them, as well as their confidence, brain development and behavior. That’s right, just 10 minutes.

If you’re a working parent, you may be thinking, “I don’t have 10 minutes!” Here are few ideas to find those 10 minutes in your day:

  • Before work/school: Talk about the schedule of the day, how each other is feeling, what you’re excited or nervous about.
  • After work/school: Play with your child, but let them LEAD. No phones, no screens, just unhindered time for connection and fun.
  • Involve your child in cooking or doing chores: This may sound scary, but even just asking them to be present in the kitchen while you make dinner or sweep the floor can make them feel like they’re important to you and an integral part of your world. You can always ask questions, sing songs or play “I Spy” while you fold clothes or peel potatoes.
  • Before bed: Read with your child. Talk about what you enjoy in the story and anything new you may have learned. Or follow up on your day. Take turns sharing the best thing that happened to you that day, one thing new you may have tried, or one way you helped someone else. 

Here’s a little inside secret: I started using the 10 minute theory with my son three years ago. While it has relieved some pressure, it has ultimately helped me to see our relationship through a different lens. And it’s helped me to realize just how much time I DO have with him and how much each second matters.

Being a parent is about more than just being around your child. It’s about being connected with your child.

/0 Comments/by

25 Questions to Ask Your Family This Christmas

Merry Christmas and happy holidays from all of us at First Things First! We hope that this year gives you the opportunity for your family to get to know each other better. And what better way to get started than with Christmas questions?

Here are some great Christmas questions to help your family connect and grow together during this season.

  1. What is a new family Christmas tradition you would like to start?
  1. What smell reminds you of Christmas?
  1. What is the single most meaningful Christmas gift you’ve ever received, and why was it so special?
  1. If time and money were not a concern, how would you decorate the outside of your home?
  1. Candy canes, of course, are the traditional candy of Christmas. If you could have your way, what would be the official candy of Christmas?
  1. You have a beautiful 50-foot pine tree in your front yard that you are allowed to decorate with only one color of lights. Which color would you choose?
  1. What is your favorite family memory from this past year?
  1. Of course, red and green are the traditional colors of Christmas. What two other colors do you think could— or should —become the standard for the season?
  1. At Christmastime, which do you honestly enjoy more— giving or receiving?
  1. What is the first Christmas you can remember? What do you remember about it?
  1. Do you have any ethnic or family traditions that you honor during the Christmas season?
  1. What holiday food do you enjoy the most?
  1. Which event or aspect of the Christmas season do you look forward to most of all?
  1. If snow could fall in any flavor, what flavor would you choose?
  1. What has been your most memorable Christmas?
  1. If you could Christmas shop-until-you-drop at any one store or website, which would yo choose?
  1. What is one thing your family does together during the holidays that you enjoy the most?
  1. If you could indulge in only one type of cookie this holiday season, which cookie would you be eating a lot of?
  1. If you could invite any famous person to your house for Christmas dinner, whom would you invite?
  1. What would be the ideal way for you to spend Christmas Eve?
  1. On a scale of one to ten (with one being very relaxing and ten being very stressful), how stressful is the holiday season for you?
  1. What brought you joy this year?
  1. If you could spend Christmas anywhere in the world, where would you choose?
  1. What is something from the past year that you are truly thankful for?
  1. What is your favorite Christmas movie?

BONUS: Family Christmas Questions Challenge! How many words can you make from the letters in Christmas? (Example: Stir.)

The holiday season can get hectic and pull your family in all different directions. Try to stay connected and enjoy each other during the holidays. Give each other the gift of growing, meaningful relationships.

/0 Comments/by

10 Tips for Managing Screen Time During The School Year

It takes patience and consistency to find what works best.

We live in a digital world, so screens are a huge part of our everyday lives. And with school back in session, kids use screens more frequently during the day. Managing screen time during the school year is a big deal for all of us. And since we all spend a lot of time with technology, it’s up to us to help our children have a healthy relationship with their screens. 

Managing screen time during the school year is essential for our kids’ development. 

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, too much screen time can have side effects, including:1

  • Sleeping problems.
  • Poor self-image.
  • Less time spent outdoors.
  • Lower grades.
  • Attention disorders.

Define how much screen time is enough.

The American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t have a set recommendation for kids 6 and older. They do recommend that parents set consistent limits and ensure that screens don’t replace sleep and physical activity.2

Explain to your kids that too much time sitting watching screens is not healthy.3,4 Establish consequences if they break the rules you set for them.

Practice what you preach. 

The hardest part of managing your child’s screen time may be managing your own. Kids learn by watching. They will establish their relationship with technology based on your relationship with technology. If you always have the TV on or scroll through your phone whenever you have free time, they will probably do the same. 

If you want your child to learn responsible technology use, model it for them.

Adjust the limits based on the day.

Different days may call for different screen limits. For some families, school days may mean no screens. For others, screen usage may be significantly reduced during school nights. Weekends may get extended screen time. You know your family and should do what’s best for your household. The most essential aspect of screen time is balance. Kids need physical activity and creativity. Make sure they are spending time being active, whether structured or unstructured.

Make bedrooms screen-free.

Keep TVs, video games, and computers in common areas. This keeps kids from disappearing with a screen for hours. It also helps you know what they are using screens for and how much time they spend on them. Screen-free bedrooms are a little more challenging with phones and tablets. Charging devices (even your own) overnight in a common area can be helpful.

Studies show that using screens before bedtime makes it harder for kids to fall asleep. It also reduces sleep quality. And when kids are tired, it’s harder for them to learn.5 

Give your kids other options to keep them active instead of screen time.

They can take walks, ride bikes or scooters, or play outside. Offer other indoor activities, like board games or crafts. Set aside time to play with them. Kids need to be active daily. Even if you can’t be active with them, you can encourage and support them in their activities.

Have them earn screen time during the school year (and beyond).

It’s okay to make your kids complete homework and specific tasks or chores before you allow them to have screen time. There are different ways parents can put this into practice. One option is that homework and chores come first. Then they can have a set amount of screen time depending on how long it is until bedtime. Another is to allow them to earn screen time by completing chores. You can create a system where a task earns X amount of screen time.

Encourage your children’s creativity.

If your child loves watching videos or playing video games, encourage them to create their own. My daughter loves to make videos when we travel. She wants to show others the places she visits and tell them about her experiences. We don’t share these, but she is learning how to vlog. When she gets a little older, she can learn how to create these and make them shareable. 

Engage with your child’s technology. 

Watch videos with your kids and learn to play their games. Both of my kids enjoy watching YouTube creators. We watch with them so we can understand what they are watching, but also learn with them. My son loves to watch a former NASA engineer, and my daughter enjoys cooking videos. We’ve learned a lot as a family through their videos. It’s also common in our house to have family video game nights. Let’s just say MarioKart tournaments get intense!

Look for ways to engage screens as a family through games, videos, or apps.

Use mistakes as teachable moments. 

As your child learns more about technology and screens, they will make mistakes. They may accidentally visit an inappropriate site, watch content you would not approve of, or go over their screen time. Mistakes are great learning opportunities. 

Questions to consider moving forward:

  • What’s one way you can improve your own screen-time habits?
  • What are routines you can start to encourage physical activity and creativity?
  • What area in your house can you designate as a tech-charging zone?
  • What are activities your child can engage in that don’t involve screens?
  • What task can your child complete to earn screen time?
  • What’s one show that your family can watch and use to grow together?

Managing screen time requires patience. Pick one or two of these that you can implement, and choose the easiest for your family. The key is consistency. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right all the time. Remember, their mistakes (and ours) make for great teachable moments.

Other articles:

Your Ultimate Guide to Screen Time

How Much Should You Limit Kids’ Screen Time and Electronics Use?

Screen Time for Kids: Guidelines, Boundary Setting, and Educational Recommendations

Sources:

1American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Screen Time and Children.

2American Academy of Pediatrics. Children and media tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

3U.S. National Library of Medicine. Health risks of an inactive lifestyle.

4Barnett, T.A., et al. (2018). Sedentary behaviors in today’s youth—approaches to the prevention and management of childhood obesity: A scientific statement from the American Heart Association. https://doi.org/10.1161/CIR.0000000000000591.

5Chang, A.M., et al. (2015). Evening use of light-emitting eReaders negatively affects sleep, circadian timing, and next-morning alertness. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1418490112.

Moreno, M.A., et al. (2016). Media use in school-aged children and adolescents. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2016-2592.

/0 Comments/by

7 Ways To Deal With Adult Children Who Make Poor Decisions

Stand strong. Love powerfully.

As you were raising your children you emphasized the importance of treating each other with respect, making wise choices and doing the right thing. So, why do your adult children make poor decisions?

Seriously, let’s be honest. As a parent, it’s sometimes hard not to experience anger, perhaps some guilt and even resentment toward your grown children when you watch them repeatedly treat you or others disrespectfully, make poor decisions with money or their career, or make poor choices in general.

You may even question where you went wrong as a parent…“How could this child have grown up in our home and be making life-altering decisions that are affecting them AND the lives of their loved ones and friends?” you ask yourself over and over again.

☆ While you might be initially tempted to swoop in and rescue, take a deep breath and keep reading.

Before you beat yourself up and allow guilt to invade your mind, stop. It’s highly likely you did everything you could to help prepare your child for adulthood. Questioning every decision you made as a parent isn’t helpful for anyone. 

Here are some ways you can still be a guide for your grown child and give yourself peace of mind – even if they’re making poor decisions.

Communicate.

If you have a voice at all in your child’s life, now would be a good time to ask to have a conversation with them. As the parent of an adult child, how you approach this conversation can make the difference in whether or not you’ll be afforded the opportunity to continue to speak into their life. BEFORE you have this conversation, process through your own emotions in order to be as unemotional as possible while you’re talking with them. Also, think about what really needs to be said.

This should not be a lecture or interrogation. Ask them about what they’re trying to accomplish. Express your concern for what you see them doing or how you see them behaving. You might be able to offer wisdom, suggest other people for them to talk with, or resources to assist them in getting back on track. Avoid fixing it for them. 

Set boundaries.

Regardless of whether you’re able to have a conversation with your child, if you’ve not already set very clear boundaries for them, now is the time. Sometimes parents feel like they’re being unloving when they do this. In reality, the exact opposite is true. This is one of the most loving things you can do to help them move forward in a healthy way. Consider boundaries such as: 

  • You’ll not tolerate being treated disrespectfully, so if they can’t be respectful, they can’t be in your home. 
  • If they’re dealing with addictive behavior, you’re willing to help them get the help they need, but you won’t support their habit.1
  • They won’t be able to access your money, even if something were to happen to you.
  • Giving them money to bail them out of financial mistakes will not be possible.  
  • Taking responsibility for their behavior in any way won’t happen.
  • Moving back home is not an option. OR if moving back home could be an option, it wouldn’t happen without a contract in place about what will happen while they are at home and a move-out date set. A warning: if you choose to let them move back home, even with a contract in place, it could be very difficult to get them out.

Avoid enabling.

No matter how old your child is, your role as parent never stops, but it does change. When they’re adults, you’re more the coach or advisor on the sidelines, not their manager. It is incredibly painful to watch your children make poor decisions and not swoop in to fix it. Unless you want your 30, 45, 50-year-old child expecting you to continue to make everything alright for them, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT enable them by taking responsibility for their actions. Don’t confuse enabling with loving your adult child.2 

Don’t cave.

This may require you to pull together a group of trusted friends to support you and help you stay strong. We love our children. Following through on our commitments to keep the boundaries that are in place and not rescue them can feel so unloving. It just goes against everything in us as parents. Yet, standing strong and following through with what you said you would do is actually the most helpful thing you can do for your child to encourage movement in a healthy direction.

Manage your emotions.

Parenting adult children who make poor decisions can be like a roller coaster ride. One minute you think you are making progress and the next day you are in the pit again. It’s tempting to let them have it, but don’t. You do need to be able to process your emotions, but don’t do it with your child. Talk with a trusted wise friend or seek out counseling. Let the tears flow, put words to the disappointment, anger and resentment you feel, grieve what you thought would be that is not, and make a plan for how you will continue to live as fully as possible even in the midst of your adult child living in turmoil. This is vital.

Don’t let their behavior put a damper on your love for them.

Sometimes it’s hard not to take your adult child’s behavior personally as though they are doing it just to get back at you. While that is possible, it isn’t necessarily true. They still need to know there is nothing they could do to make you love them more or love them less. Your love for them isn’t conditional.

Live your life.

When people ask you how you are, in your heart of hearts, you feel like you are only doing as well as your children are doing. At some point, we have to separate our adult child’s behavior from ourselves and choose not to let them rob us of all of our joy in life. I’m not saying we don’t grieve. What I am saying is, we don’t allow it to consume us.

It’s funny—as our children move from one stage to the next, we think to ourselves, “Wow, I’m glad we are past that.” believing the next stage will be easier only to find out the current stage has its own set of unique challenges. When we finally believe we’ve arrived at a place where our adult children can function on their own, we find even this season of parenting has its own set of challenges, especially because they can do so much damage that is completely out of our control, but we can be impacted immensely by it. 

Being the parent of adult children who make poor decisions or behave badly is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage and tenacity to do what you know is in their and your best interest. Stand strong. Love powerfully. And, in those moments when you are weak and deviate from the plan, give yourself some grace, get back up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Sources

1Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation. (2018, August 24). Boundaries in Addiction Recovery. 

2Smith, K. (2018, March 14). What Is the Difference Between Supporting and Enabling? PsychCentral. 

Image from Unsplash.com

/90 Comments/by