8 Ways to Manage Family Time
The beginning of the school year, for some, actually feels more like a new year. Families are getting acquainted with new schools, new teachers and new schedules, not to mention a buffet line of new opportunities for extracurricular activities. If parents aren’t careful, they will have kids involved in three different activities, going in opposite directions. As a result, learning to manage family time is now even harder.
How many times have you found yourself grabbing the kids from school, running by a fast-food place for dinner and heading out to practice with one child trying to finish homework in the car and the other throwing on their practice clothes? Many parents have resigned themselves to believing this is life as we know it and the goal is to survive.
Before your family life becomes a runaway train, consider what is best for your family when it comes to afterschool activities and the amount of time you spend together. Many loud voices will tell you all the things your child needs to participate in for future success. Certainly, extracurricular activities can make your child’s life richer, but they can also create additional stress and anxiety for the entire family.
When you rarely sit down for a meal together or have the opportunity to connect, relationships can suffer. Plus, trying to keep up can be exhausting. So, how much is too much?
Here are some suggestions from kidshealth.org to help you manage activities and family connectedness:
- Set ground rules ahead of time. Plan on kids playing one sport per season or limit activities to two afternoons or evenings during the school week.
- Know how much time things require. Does your child realize soccer practice is twice a week or more, right after school? Then there’s the weekly game. Will homework suffer?
- Set priorities. School comes first. If kids have a hard time keeping up academically, they may need to drop an activity.
- Know when to say no. If your child is already active but really wants to take on another activity, discuss what needs to be dropped to make room for something new.
- Stay organized with a calendar. Display it on the refrigerator so everybody can stay up-to-date. And if you find an empty space on the calendar, leave it alone! Everyone needs a chance to just do nothing.
- Even if kids sign up for the season, let them miss one or two sessions. Sometimes hanging out on a beautiful day is more important than going to one more activity, even if you’ve already paid for it.
- Try to balance activities for all of your kids — and yourself. It hardly seems fair to expend time and energy carting one kid to activities, leaving little time for another. Take time for yourself and spend time together as a family.
- Create family moments. Plan a few dinners when everyone can be home at the same time.
As a parent, when you manage family time, it’s a precious commodity. And your children will grow up in the blink of an eye. Plan now to set your family priorities, avoid unnecessary activities and be intentional about spending time together as a family.
Parenting to encourage your child’s independence is not easy. I remember the day well. I went to pick up our daughter from school. She got in the car with a smirk on her face and blurted out, “Why did you let me fail my tree project?” I asked her exactly how I let her fail her project. “You didn’t help me,” she replied. However, I distinctly remember asking her if she needed any help when she brought the assignment home, and she said no. She then told me I needed to go talk with her teacher about it and fix it.
I reminded her that I did not have a problem with the teacher, but I mentioned that if she would like to talk with the teacher, I would be happy to stand in the hallway. I don’t think she was super happy about my response, but we headed up to the teacher’s room and she did all the talking.
Fast forward to today. My daughter still talks about this experience, not because she is still angry at me, but because she learned some important things that day: how to talk with an authority figure about a difficult situation, what it means to problem-solve, and that while her parents are supportive, they will not snowplow the road of life for her. Don’t think for one minute that there wasn’t a lot of drama around that moment or that we got it right all the time as parents, because we didn’t.
One thing is for sure though: teaching your child independence is a powerful gift. When parents take the lead in situations such as this, they can rob their children of a potential transformational experience.
Karen Fancher, a college professor, lamented in a blog post about the number of students who show up on campus unprepared to navigate life on their own.
“We are now observing a different parenting style: ‘Lawnmower Parents,’” says Fancher. “These are the parents who rush ahead to intervene, saving the child from any potential inconvenience, problem or discomfort… this kind of parental behavior can have long-lasting, detrimental effects on your child.”
According to Fancher, this parenting style can lead to children being poorly equipped to deal with routine growing and learning experiences, along with a lack of personal motivation or drive since they only know how to follow the path the “Lawnmower Parent” has already prepared. Perhaps the most potentially-devastating outcome occurs because the “Lawnmower Parent” repeatedly demonstrates their lack of trust in their child’s ability to accomplish things on their own. As a result, their child will lack independence and may feel they aren’t good enough to do things for themselves. If that sounds really scary to you in terms of preparing your child for the real world, there are ways you can intentionally avoid being a “Lawnmower Parent.”
For example, let your children speak for themselves. When you go out to eat, let them order. Teach them to ask for directions. When they ask to do something after school with a friend, let them orchestrate the details instead of doing it for them.
As your child enters middle and high school, there are opportunities for them to do even more for themselves. When it comes to dealing with things at school, resist the urge to take matters into your own hands. Process with them, but let them handle it as much as possible. When drama occurs in friendships, ask them how they think they should handle the situation instead of jumping in with the answers.
In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey makes two powerful statements worth remembering when it comes to raising children. First, begin with the end in mind, as in, don’t lose sight of your goal to raise confident adults who know how to function independently of their parents. Secondly, seek to understand before understood. Be curious. Ask your child to tell you more. Many teens complain that their parents never listen, but seeking to understand requires us to listen.
As parents, we may or may not have the answers our kids need. And it’s not always easy to step back and let them do things on their own. It may even be messy. Although we may fear that they will fail or get hurt in the process, remember that many people learn best from their mistakes and gain confidence through independence. And sometimes, they just need to figure things out for themselves.
“Honey, what does this “+” sign mean on this stick?”
“It means you’re gonna be a dad.” Whoa!
I immediately have to make a choice, and it may seem easy, but it’s not. The fact is, I’m NOT excited about this unplanned pregnancy in our marriage.
This is going against the carefully thought-out plan we concocted so that our child(ren) could have the best life and be in the best position for success while also allowing me and our family to be successful at the same time.
No, I’m still not excited. On the other hand, my wife is jumping through the roof with excitement.
Hold up, did she let this happen on purpose? Do I fake it and join in with her? Am I honest with her? Am I sensitive? Should I let her have her moment or am I being real with myself and her?
Fast forward: 11 years and SIX kids later. Yep, six. (None were planned, although some were more of a surprise than others. For instance, conceiving while changing birth control methods). And guess what? My wife and I worked through it all, together and honestly.
Because of my wife’s understanding when I was honest and transparent about my concerns, not just about how life would change, but about my deep resentment that she wanted a baby right then even though I didn’t, we made it through the fears and the guilt.
There are legitimate, deeply personal reasons for not being excited about an unplanned pregnancy.
- Concerns about how it will affect the marriage.
- Not where you want to be in your career.
- Financial considerations.
- Effects of pregnancy and childbirth on a woman’s body.
- Just don’t feel ready to be a parent.
The idea that I was wrong for initially feeling rejection toward the baby is damaging. Marriage is intended to be a place where honesty, transparency and reality can take place without judgment. It’s a place where you can handle an emotion personally, without taking the emotion personally (let that sink in). My wife took it personally that I thought she was being selfish and even divisive by wanting the baby. But she quickly realized that my emotions came from a place of fear, guilt and anxiety.
What got us through?
We talked and we disagreed. We expressed the strong emotions we had, but we did it together. When outsiders said hurtful things, we told one another and we cared for each other. We acknowledged where both of us were and decided that it was ok, because it was real. But we never forgot that together, we ultimately had what we needed to take on the privileged position of parenthood.
By the way, guess who was the first person to buy a book to read to the baby in the womb? You got it: Me! Now that I think about it, our process may have made us better parents. I can definitely say that how we handled our unplanned pregnancy strengthened our marriage and deepened our emotional intimacy.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Do you remember those lively dodgeball games during recess? What about freeze tag, kickball, Four Square or climbing on the jungle gym? Many parents today probably have great memories of running around outdoors during recess. And, chances are pretty good that after school, you played outside after you finished your homework. However, that’s not the case for many kids, and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) is concerned about how a lack of play is affecting them.
The AAP states that the most powerful way children learn isn’t only in the classroom or libraries, but rather on playgrounds and in playrooms.
The importance of playful learning for kids cannot be overemphasized.
Experts define play as an activity that is fun and engaging, which could define a number of activities. But the difference in play and other activities is that play has no set outcome. There’s no score to achieve and nothing to produce. It’s just good, old-fashioned fun.
“We’re recommending that doctors write a prescription for play, because it’s so important,” says pediatrician Michael Yogman, M.D., lead author of the AAP report. “Play with parents and peers is fundamentally important for developing a suite of 21st-century skills, including social, emotional, language and cognitive skills, all needed by the next generation in an economically competitive world that requires collaboration and innovation. The benefits of play are HUGE in terms of mitigating stress, improving academic skills and helping to build the safe, stable and nurturing relationships that buffer against toxic stress and build social-emotional resilience.”
Research indicates that family playtime enhances communication and tends to create a positive environment.
Letting the child direct the playtime is also a benefit. In fact, it can help parents learn their child’s areas of interest.
Through the years, children’s playtime has been threatened, especially as schools have removed recess from the schedule to focus more on academics. A national survey of 8,950 preschool children and parents found that only 51 percent of children walked or played outside once a day with a parent. Additionally, surveys have found that as many as 94 percent of parents have safety concerns about outdoor play.
It’s not surprising that technology also impacts play. According to media research, the average preschooler watches 4.5 hours of television a day. This trend is associated with greater risks of obesity. Factor in the time that kids of all ages spend on their personal devices and it’s easy to see that screen time has replaced playing outdoors. And if we’re honest, it’s not just preschoolers who are living a sedentary lifestyle.
“Media use such as television, video games, smartphone and tablet apps are increasingly distracting children from play. It’s concerning when immersion in electronic media takes away time for real play, either outdoors or indoors,” says pediatrician Jeffrey Hutchinson, M.D., report co-author.
The report encourages educators, pediatricians and families to advocate for and protect unstructured play and playful learning in preschools and schools because of the numerous benefits it offers in all areas of life and development.
If play isn’t something that comes naturally to you, that’s ok! These 9 ways to play with your kids can get the ball rolling:
- Have a water fight with buckets, squirt guns and the hose.
- Build a fort in your back yard or with the furniture and sheets in your family room.
- Blow bubbles.
- Visit a children’s museum.
- Make chalk drawings on the sidewalk.
- Rake the leaves into big piles and jump in them.
- Go for a walk in the rain and stomp in the mud puddles.
- Play with Play-Doh.
- Build something out of Legos.
“The next time your child wants to play with you, say yes. It’s one of the best parts of being a parent, and one of the best things you can do for your child,” Dr. Yogman says. “Play helps children learn language, math and social skills, and lowers stress. Play is important both for children and their parents since sharing joyful moments together during play can only enhance their relationship.”
How to Stop Children from Lying
Ever caught your child in a lie? I have.
My son would ALWAYS tell me the truth when he was younger – no matter what. As he has grown, telling the truth has been a bit more challenging for him. In middle school, he would lie at the drop of a hat. I would get so frustrated, and my reactions only made the situations even worse.
Now that he’s in high school, he still lies from time to time, but thankfully not as often. I am indeed beginning to understand something as a parent: Stopping a child from lying has more to do with my reaction to the lie than the actual lie itself. In fact, I’ve discovered a strategy that works.
Ready to hear it?
This strategy focuses more on the child than the lie they tell. When children lie, we have to focus on how lying triggers our reaction to the act of lying itself. Children with traumatic backgrounds often lie to survive, and all children lie because they’re afraid or stressed. But often, it really is more about our reaction or overreaction that ignites lies in children.
When your child lies, start by asking yourself three things:
- Is there an unmet need?
- Does my child have a fear?
- Do I overreact?
Then, try these steps to help your child stop the cycle of lying:
- Once you hear your child lie, check your mindset and your reaction. Encourage and reassure your child that you love them. Be calm and walk away if you’re upset.
- Address the problem. Later, when your child is working on homework or watching TV, talk about how much it bothers you when he or she lies to you. Let them know that no matter what, you want them to feel safe enough to tell you the truth. It is essential for your child to trust you and understand that everything is going to be okay, so try not to overreact.
- Remember that discipline is about teaching, not punishing your child. This will help you create a positive and safe atmosphere for them, and provide security in the relationship.
- Think about your example. If your child hears or sees you telling lies, it will be easier for them to mimic what they see you do. Always be the example for your children in everything – they are watching!
- Build value in truth-telling and celebrate the successes of being honest by affirming their choices to tell the truth. Do not celebrate catching them in a lie (gotcha moments).
Remember, how you handle it when your child lies can either build up or tear down your relationship. If you want to stay connected, work to establish and maintain a safe environment and focus on changing the behavior in a positive way. Though you may not see results overnight, they will eventually learn to catch and redirect themselves.
Image from Unsplash.com
3 Ways to Help Your Kids Launch
Getting your kids ready to launch is not easy. I remember it like it was yesterday. She bopped up to the front door of her new school in pigtails, all ready for her first day of kindergarten. After giving her a big hug, I walked back to the car with leaky eyes, feeling all the feels.
I was excited for our daughter’s new adventure, but I knew the page had turned and things would be different from that point forward. Beyond knowing numbers, letters and how to spell an 11-letter last name, I hoped we had given her a fierce sense of adventure and thirst for learning that would serve her well through the years.
Fast forward to 2010. There I was again, except this time the drop-off was different. She was actually moving into a dorm and we were driving home. Wasn’t this the goal, to work ourselves out of a job? I mean, this is what we’d been preparing her for throughout her life, right? As we drove away, my eyes started leaking again. I thought about all we tried to instill in her from the time she entered kindergarten to high school graduation, in between eye rolls, heavy sighs and being “the only parents who… (you fill in the blank)” and I wondered what actually did sink in. Once again, I found myself praying we’d prepared her for the road ahead.
Whether your child is heading off to kindergarten or launching from the nest, letting go can be hard. Sometimes it can feel like a real identity crisis, especially since the focus has been on the children for so many years. Now it’s time to pull back a bit and let them gain their footing.
If this is a first for you, here are some things to help you navigate how to help your kids launch.
- Remind yourself that one of the ultimate goals of parenting is launch. If you need a little motivation, just think about the alternative: a 30-year-old sitting on your couch, playing video games day and night.
- Get busy. In the midst of perhaps a tinge of identity crisis, think about all of the things you wanted to do over the years, but never had the time or energy because you were focused on your children’s needs. The silence at home can initially be deafening, but finding something to do with the additional time on your hands can soften the blow of coming home to an empty house. It can also help you avoid second-guessing your parenting and whether or not you have given your child what it takes to be successful.
- Connect with parents who are a bit beyond you in the parenting journey. Don’t look for perfect parents, though. Instead, look for the ones who haven’t been afraid to let their kids fly, fail and fly again. It’s encouraging to know parenting isn’t about perfection, but about being present and allowing your children to learn and grow into the person they are called to be.
Just last week my daughter reminded me that she’s 25 and she’s good.
I laughed on the outside, but on the inside, maybe not so much. Don’t get me wrong: I love that she is living her life and being responsible, but I think even when your kids are grown, you still look out for them and want the best for them. During a conversation with a dad a few weeks ago about adult children, he said, “Once a parent, always a parent.” That statement is definitely true, but how you engage is very different. Hopefully, your adult child doesn’t need you as much, but they’ll want to be around you because they enjoy your company.
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
In Dr. Phil Zimbardo’s TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) talk about the demise of guys, he states that boys are flaming out academically and wiping out socially with girls and sexually with women.
In response to Zimbardo’s talk, Dr. Gary Wilson explains why guys are flaming out and what we can do about it. He bases his reasoning on years of research concerning the neuroscience of reward, sex and bonding.
According to Wilson, most boys seek porn by age 10. At that age, a brain that is suddenly fascinated by sex drives the boys. Thanks to high-speed internet, boys have access to unending novelty. The boy’s brain releases dopamine with each new image, and he will keep going as long as he can keep clicking.
Eventually, the brain wires itself to everything associated with porn such as: being alone, constant clicking, voyeurism, shock and surprise – instead of learning about real sex, which involves interaction with a real person, courtship, commitment, touching, being touched and emotional connection.
Porn Is A Serious Addiction for Boys
In 2009, a Canadian researcher attempting to study the impact of porn could not find any college males who weren’t using porn, so he had no control group for his research. He asked 20 male students who had been using porn for at least a decade if they thought porn was affecting them or their relationships with women. All of them said they didn’t think so. However, many of these males were dealing with social anxiety, performance anxiety, depression and concentration problems.
“Of all the activities on the internet, porn has the most potential to be addictive,” says Wilson. “Everything in the porn user’s life is boring except porn.”
Interestingly, there are thousands of men, young and old, who are giving up porn. Why? Because it is killing their sexual performance.
A guy in his 20s reports, “I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists off and on for the last eight years. I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, severe memory impairment, tried numerous medications, dropped out of college twice, have been fired twice, used pot to calm my nerves, and have been approached by women but they quickly left because of my weirdness.
“I have been a hardcore porn addict since age 14.” He says, “I stopped porn completely two months ago. It has been hard. I have quit all of the medication I was taking. My anxiety is nonexistent… My memory and focus are sharper than they have ever been and my erectile dysfunction is gone. I feel like I have a second chance at life.”
“Widespread youthful erectile dysfunction has never been seen before,” Wilson says. “This is the only symptom that gets their attention.”
The high-speed internet has taken porn to a new level and it is messing with our children. Watching porn digitally rewires boys’ brains in a totally new way for change, constant arousal, novelty and excitement. This creates real issues when it comes to romantic relationships that grow gradually and subtly.
Do your children know what healthy relationships look like? Have you taught them about the perils of the internet? Are you paying attention to their computer use?
It’s time to take back our boys. Their health and future relationships are hanging in the balance.
Steps for Keeping the Peace in Broken Homes
“How do I get my ex to be consistent with discipline?”
“Sometimes I find it very hard not to talk bad about my ex in front of the children.”
“Nothing makes my blood pressure go up faster than when my ex says they will do something and they don’t.”
“I honestly believe my ex does things intentionally to get back at me.”
In the aftermath of a divorce, people often realize that instead of being better off as they hoped, they’ve traded one set of problems for another. There are a lot of frustrated moms and dads who don’t understand why they can’t agree on anything after the divorce when it comes to parenting.
Life is Different
Even if you’ve lived with this person for years, learning how to live separate lives while still parenting your children well may be tricky. There may be things your ex is doing that you totally don’t agree with, but you have to figure out how to work within the boundaries of your new relationship while always considering what’s in your child’s best interest.
For starters, it’s important to plan how you’ll manage as a single parent.
- Get organized so you can move forward. Take time to sort through activities, job demands, a budget, available resources, friends who can provide support and backup, etc. This will help you to be more in control of your situation and to focus on what’s important.
- Focus on family. Set expectations, keep the lines of communication open, establish boundaries and set aside time to be together as a family.
- Throw perfection out the window. It isn’t about having it all together. It is more about doing the best you can under hard circumstances.
- Ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. There are resources available, but you have to make the connection. Neighbors, friends and co-workers are often ready and willing to step up to the plate when you need them.
- Take one day at a time. After you’ve put a plan together, don’t get overwhelmed by the big picture.
This transition time can be very challenging. Working your plan can help you bring some order into your life. It can also help you keep your cool when things don’t go as planned with your ex.
Keep the Children out of the Middle
An old African proverb says, “When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.”
“Biological parents who fight and refuse to cooperate are trampling on their most prized possession – their children,” says stepfamily expert Ron Deal. “Elephants at war are totally unaware of what is happening to the grass because they are far too consumed with the battle at hand. Little do they know how much damage is being done.”
Parents who want to reduce the negative effects of divorce on their children should strive to be effective co-parents because it reduces between-home conflict and increases cooperation. Taming your tongue, for example, is critical to cooperating. Conflict containment starts with controlling your speech. You cannot be an effective co-parent without doing so.
“Parents have to remember and accept the fact that while they can end a marriage to someone, they will never stop being parents,” Deal says. “While you may be relieved to be out of the marriage, your children have been in a transitional crisis. How well they recover from that crisis has a lot to do with you, the parents. The key to successful co-parenting is separating the dissolution of your marriage from the parental responsibilities that remain.”
According to Deal, children successfully adjust to the ending of their parents’ marriage and can fare reasonably well if:
- The parents are able to bring their marital relationship to an end without excessive conflict.
- Children are not put into the middle of whatever conflicts exist.
- There is a commitment from parents to cooperate on issues of the children’s material, physical, educational and emotional welfare.
Many ex-spouses have a tough time cooperating about anything, let alone the nurturing and disciplining of their children. Some things are just plain hard, but you want the best for your kids.
Co-parenting does not mean sharing all decisions about the children or that either home is accountable to the other for their choices, rules or standards. Each household is autonomous, but there’s shares responsibility for the children. Rules or punishment from one home may not cross over to the other home, to make matter more complicated.
For example, if your child gets in trouble on Thursday and he loses his television privileges, in an ideal world it would be great if your ex were willing to enforce the consequence over the weekend. That may not happen, so the consequence would go into effect when your child returns home to you Sunday evening. Telling your ex that he/she has to enforce your consequence usually leads to more conflict between the parents and more angst for your child.
Deal believes effective co-parenting should look something like this:
- Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household.
- If possible, schedule a monthly “business” meeting to discuss co-parenting matters. Make a list of things of things to go over. A word of caution: Do not discuss your personal life or that of your ex. If the conversation drifts away from the children, redirect it toward your children and their activities, schedules, etc.
- Never ask your children to be spies or tattle-tales on the other home. That kind of thing creates more stress for your child. If you hear about something that happened while they were with their other parent, listen and try to stay neutral.
- When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, it’s not helpful to capitalize on their hurt or berate the other parent.
- Having everything they need in each home will keep the kids from having to bring basics back and forth.
- Try to release your hostility toward the other parent so that the children can’t take advantage of your hard feelings. Bitterness, hurt and anger keep you from being the person and the parent your children need.
- Do your best to keep your promises and be reliable; broken promises or unreliability can hurt your kids deeply.
In the midst of a complicated and difficult situation, you have the opportunity to show integrity, honor and respect. Even when you don’t like someone anymore or you don’t think they deserve it, respectfulness goes a long way.
- Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement.
- If you plan to hire a babysitter for more than four hours while the children are in your home, consider giving the other parent first rights to that time.
- Suggest that younger children take a favorite toy or game as a transitional object.
- If you and your ex can’t resolve a problem, change in custody or visitation, agree to problem-solve through mediation rather than litigation.
Moving On
“The reality is many parents who were poor marriage partners are good parents and their children enjoy them very much,” Deal shares. “Give your ex-spouse the opportunity to be wonderful with the children, even if he/she wasn’t wonderful with you.”
You are traveling in uncharted waters. While you probably have friends who have experienced this and are willing to give you advice, it may not be right for your family.
A father once said that it had been six months since his divorce and it was time for his “kid” to get over it. Children of divorce don’t ever “get over it.” They may learn how to cope with it, but every day for the rest of their lives they will have to make decisions that are a result of their parents’ divorce.
As time goes by, you may feel like you are moving on, adjusting and putting this chapter in your life behind you. However, this is not something your children will ever “put behind them.” At every turn your child will gain new insights and more questions. They must understand the divorce was not their fault. Equally as important is being intentional about modeling healthy relationship skills with your children.
Additional Resources:
The Smart Stepfamily: Seven steps to a Healthy Family – Ron Deal
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce – Judith Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakesless
Looking for more? Check out this video by JulieB TV on this topic!
