5 Things You Don’t Need to Have in Common With Your Spouse
When I first started dating my husband 32 years ago (but who’s counting?), the first thing I noticed about him besides his legs was how different we were from each other.
I was concerned we didn’t have many things in common. Would this be a stumbling block to our future marriage?
Now, I see the benefits. I see how not acting the same, not thinking the same, interacting with others exactly the same, or even having a whole lot in common became a strength in our marriage, not a problem. The things we didn’t have in common caused us to respect each other and support each other better. I had to stop myself from continually thinking we had to have everything in common. I realized the words from Jerry Maguire were absolutely wrong. It’s not about seeking to complete each other, but learning to complement each other despite differences.
Here are some things you and your spouse DON’T need to have in common:
1. Personality
From the very beginning of our relationship, my husband and I were and are different. He liked Lakers’ Showtime of the ’80s while I was a fan of the Bad Boys of Detroit. I loved pro football, and he was a big college football fan. I am an extreme extrovert who loves being around many people. At the same time, he is much more comfortable around a small group of close friends. Neither one of us is right or wrong. Instead, we learned to respect and embrace our differences.
2. Common Interests and Activities
Many couples struggle with the idea that they must spend “all their time together.” Yes, you and your spouse need to spend intentional quality time together. You don’t need to spend every waking moment together or have all your interests and activities in common. While you are a part of a couple, it’s vital for you as an individual to grow and develop. The key is to support your spouse in their activities. I enjoy reading. My husband—not so much. It makes me feel loved and valued when he goes to a bookstore with me while I just wander around. Or he takes care of our family while I head to a bookstore. In both cases, he is demonstrating his care and support for me and my interests.
3. Family/Cultural Background
Although my husband and I come from the same racial & ethnic background, our families are very different. My family is composed of biological family and friends that become family. His family was basically made of his immediate family, aunts, uncles, and biologically-related cousins. It doesn’t matter if you come from a single-parent family with one child or a large family with several children. You could have been born in Georgia while your spouse is from Utah. As long as you recognize and appreciate what you each bring to your relationship, it will not suffer because of your cultural differences.
4. Political Beliefs
As a young adult, I watched James Carville and Mary Matalin work for 2 different presidential campaigns. I watched how they disagreed politically yet didn’t let it negatively affect their relationship. Political beliefs are deeply felt and long-standing. Allowing your spouse to hold their opinions, which differ from yours, causes us to create spaces of patience, understanding, and civility.
5. Housekeeping and Organizational Skills
As someone who is organizationally challenged, I am grateful that my husband and I don’t have this in common. If we did, we might have ended up on “Hoarders.” (Not really…) For him, everything has a place. For me, as long as I can find it, I’m good. The key is to respect each other and not mandate your spouse to change to be exactly like you. Remember, it’s about complementing each other, not making a clone.
Related:
Help! My Spouse and I Have Nothing in Common
We’re Total Opposites! Can Our Relationship Work?
★ For a long time, I wanted him to act like me, like the same things I liked; be involved with the same activities. I thought it would make our relationship better if we liked ALL the same things. I now understand and respect our differences. The fact that we are not the same and see things differently makes us STRONGER. We lovingly and consistently challenge each other to see old things in a new and unique way.
No matter where you are in your relationship, it’s vital to love and accept your spouse for who they are without spending all of your energy worrying you don’t have things in common.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
4 Things Every Couple Should Know About Communication In Marriage
“Why can’t we just talk about it?” Couples should know: Communication is essential in any relationship, but communication is at the core of marriage. Poor, unclear, or sporadic communication in marriage is its own problem, but unhealthy communication also makes it difficult to work on other marital issues like disagreements related to finances, sex, and dealing with in-laws.
Communication Is So Simple, So Why The Communication Breakdown?
Communication occurs when both spouses effectively talk and listen to each other. One spouse says what they are thinking or feeling while the other spouse not only hears but listens. No one feels the need to ramble on. Spouses take turns without interjecting or interrupting. They provide verbal and nonverbal feedback, which lets their spouse know they were heard. Sounds simple enough, right? Why is the breakdown so easy?
What Is And What Should Never Be...
Often, we care more about being right than we care about our spouse or working together to solve the problem at hand. We speak when we should be listening; we hear but don’t really listen. We’re too busy thinking of our comeback. We let things escalate. We don’t feel safe being honest. Soon, it isn’t even communication; it’s a laundry list of past hurts, raw feelings, defensiveness, pride, snark, sarcasm, raised voices, or people withdrawing altogether.
The Song Remains The Same.
How do you break this cycle? We communicate differently. Recognize how you both communicate and change the tune. You may be more assertive at speaking while having trouble listening. Your spouse may be great at listening but have difficulty sharing what they think or feel. All isn’t lost if you discover you communicate differently. It’s important to remember that communication in marriage is a skill that can grow, develop, and flourish over time. When you find your groove, it can actually build intimacy in your marriage.
Four things couples should know about communication in marriage:
1. Communication is a Process.
No matter how good you get at communicating with your spouse, you will both still occasionally miscommunicate. There will always be good times and bad times sharing. When miscommunication occurs, recognize it, acknowledge it, and hit reset. It’s not a big deal or the end of the world. Focus on the process of communicating and building a stronger connection. You’ll both feel less dazed and confused.
2. Communication is a Skill.
We often think communication is easy because we have a mouth and ears. It’s true, however; healthy communication is a skill we learn and can continue to develop.
How we learned to communicate does impact our communication in marriage. What communication patterns were you and your spouse raised with? If a lot of yelling was modeled, it could become a default communication setting. Additionally, one of you may have observed how sharing thoughts and feelings was met with criticism and sarcasm. It might be hard to say, “The way I feel…”
You can learn new ways to communicate and change the patterns that lead to miscommunication and create distance between you and your spouse.
3. Communication Takes Practice.
The average couple spends 20 minutes per week communicating. For some people, that might sound about right. Studies also showed when couples communicated with each other for just five minutes a day, they felt more connected and understood. Understand that for many spouses, communication in marriage is a significant way they seek connection. Your spouse wants to know all about you to bond with you—your day, feelings, dreams, disappointments, and goals. Their communication needs involve quality and quantity—lots of in-depth communication.
Other spouses need together-time to connect. Talking might be optional. They are content to simply be with you and enjoy your company. Being quiet doesn’t mean anything is wrong. They aren’t trying to be distant or avoid conversation. They bond by being together doing an activity.
Neither is right or wrong. Identify your individual marriage communication needs and, if necessary, meet each other halfway. Find things that are “doing” like going for walks, working in the yard, putting a puzzle together, and adding some “talking” to it. Why not both?
4. Communication: A Two-Way Street to a Whole Lotta Love.
Communication is a two-way street. Your marriage can get somewhere if you learn to stay in your lane and respect the posted signs.
Sometimes, you need to stop and yield some time just to listen. Your spouse isn’t looking for any new construction; your mate just wants to be heard.
If you take too many forks on the road and don’t observe the posted speed limit, your spouse can’t keep up and will get lost.
All drivers should use “I” statements (I think, I feel, I need). No sharp “You” turns—don’t make your spouse a defensive driver. No parking in past, settled, healed wounds. Do not enter a mindset where your spouse is your adversary. Put your phone away—no distracted driving. (Use caution if there are children at play nearby.) When you’ve reached a dead end, pick up the conversation later.
As you learn how to merge with traffic safely, you will find your relationship traveling to exciting new destinations. There will be fewer icy road conditions and dangerous curves ahead. You’ll just enjoy the ride to deeper intimacy.
10 Years Gone…
Invest in some communication tools like The Magic of Communication In Marriage E-book or others. See where they take you!
Healthy communication in marriage can spur growth and connection. It may take time. Little by little, the levee breaks, and it becomes easier to be transparent and vulnerable. You’re using communication to solve problems together instead of creating problems through poor or infrequent communication. Your marriage bond is more robust. You feel free to share thoughts and feelings. You made it a point to improve communication in your marriage, and now you are enjoying the fruits of your labor!
Related:
6 Ways Poor Communication Can Affect Your Marriage
Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Friends are people we confide in, have fun with, and can be ourselves around. Does this sound like your spouse? If so, fantastic! It’s great to be best friends with the person you share your life with. If not, never fear; you can be a better friend to your spouse. Let’s be real for a minute… life and kids can make friendships challenging to maintain, especially with those in our own house.
Here are 5 ways you can be a better friend to your spouse:
Build playfulness into your daily routine.
Friends are people we love to laugh with. To be a better friend to your spouse, take the temperature of the playfulness of your marriage. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of the daily routine. When you add kids to the mix, your time is even more stretched. Look for ways to be playful throughout the day. My wife and I are notorious for love taps on the butt. It’s playful and flirty all in one! Win-Win!
Explore each other’s interests.
Remember when you were first dating? You wanted to know everything your boyfriend or girlfriend was interested in. Well, interests change. If you haven’t continued the conversation, then dive back in. Good friends know what each other likes. To be a better friend, show a genuine interest in your spouse’s hobbies or passions.
Have a regular date night… and don’t talk about the kids.
Life is busy, am I right? Having a regularly-scheduled date night is vital to your marriage. Don’t get stuck on just dinner, either. Get creative! Talk to your spouse about what is fun for them and for you and mix up the date nights. Maybe that means going bowling, taking a couple’s paint class, ax throwing, a bike ride, cooking together, watching a movie at home, or stargazing.
Date nights don’t have to be expensive either. Oh, yeah… don’t talk about the kids (if you have them). This date night is for the two of you, your friendship, and your marriage.
Show your spouse they are your priority.
When your spouse was your boyfriend or girlfriend, you probably ditched hanging out with friends to be with them. You skipped out on shopping or playing golf just to spend more time with them. This should carry right over into your marriage.
I have a friend who is a high school teacher. When he asks his students who has a boyfriend or girlfriend, he always raises his hand, too. He has been happily married for over 15 years, but he knows he can never lose the interest he had in his wife when she was his girlfriend. Don’t lose that interest!
Make time to talk and listen.
Friends talk about everything. They are people we can confide in and share our emotions and desires with. Your spouse should be the best friend you have. Carve out time in your day to have deep conversations and check in on each other.
Make it a point to ask, “How was your day?” then sit and listen. Don’t listen to fix something or add commentary but listen to genuinely understand how their day was. If they ask for your input, then offer it, but don’t expect to always say what is on your mind. This works both ways.
You can be a better friend to your spouse. The two of you can continue to rekindle your close friendship. Protect your friendship and protect your marriage.
Take your spouse by the hand, tell them you love them, and you want to be their best friend.
Related:
4 Ways to Be More Present With Your Spouse
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
How To Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
4 Ways to Feel More Connected to Your Spouse
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Should You Tell Your Friends and Family about Your Marital Problems?
Have you ever walked over a frozen pond and realized just how thin the ice was? I have. You quickly understand that you need to step… very… carefully.
It’s the same when considering telling your friends and family about your marital problems. One wrong step can mean an icy plunge. It’s slippery, and it’s dangerous.
So should you or shouldn’t you? I wish I could tell you a definite “yes” or “no,” but it’s a complicated question. It depends on several things.
Before you unload your marital issues on someone, you need to ask yourself some essential questions:
1. What is your ultimate goal?
There are good reasons and not so good reasons to disclose the problems happening in your marriage to someone. Are you…
Seeking someone to tell you how you’re contributing to the problem?
Looking for advice from an older, wiser married person who’s been through it?
Looking for someone to point you toward a good marriage counselor?
These can be good reasons. Make sure you are talking to someone you can trust.
Are you…
Just needing to vent and blow off steam?
Looking for someone to agree that you are right and your spouse is wrong?
Looking for permission to keep doing what you’ve been doing in your marriage?
These usually aren’t great reasons. It can be counterproductive and hurt your spouse.
2. Who do you want to tell, and why?
Good listeners know there are three sides to a story: your side, your spouse’s side, and what’s really going on. You don’t need a cheerleader. You need someone willing to listen carefully and be willing to call you out for the part you play.
On the other side of the coin, talking to someone who is naturally going to take your side, like your mother or best friend, isn’t going to help your situation. You’re just making enemies for your spouse. Think about that.
Even worse, let’s say you just want to vent your dirty marriage laundry, and you choose, say, your mother. When the rant is over, you might feel better and move on. But guess who isn’t moving on? That’s right: Mom. This is going to make the next family gathering very awkward.
Consider talking to someone distant enough to be neutral and objective—and who will call you out when necessary and remind you of your core values and goals.
3. What are the possible outcomes that could come from telling someone?
Sure, you might feel better if you vent. But at what price? Will your friend or family member see your spouse in a positive or negative light?
If you tell someone, will the news about your marital problems spread among the family or the friend circle? Could your spouse end up feeling hurt from this? Would you say the same things about your marriage or your spouse if they were standing with you?
4. Are you having a conversation with someone that you should have with your spouse?
Often, we have conversations with other people that we haven’t even had with our spouse. If you haven’t engaged with your spouse to work toward solutions and growth, it’s unfair to do your marriage work with someone else. Do your relationship work with your spouse.
Related: How To Tell If Someone Is Trustworthy
It’s one thing to seek out encouragement and accountability. We need people in our lives who help us recalibrate and refocus. It’s definitely wise to learn from marriage veterans. Be discerning about what you share about your marriage and with whom.
Complaining to people about your spouse or running them down is always out of line.
I know you want to do what’s healthy for your marriage. You want to work through the problems. Give yourself 48 hours to gain a sense of calm and honestly answer the above questions for yourself before you make a decision to tell friends or family about your marital problems. Walk across the thin ice toward your spouse. Honor them with your words no matter who you are talking to. Rule of Thumb: If it’s not constructive, it’s probably destructive.
Related:
How to Find Good Relationship Advice
STAYING TOGETHER: Resist The Urge To Trash Husbands
☆ Have questions about this article? Post them in the comment section below!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Move Past an Emotional Affair
Your marriage has been blindsided by an emotional affair. One of you is struggling with thoughts and feelings of betrayal, shock, and hurt. One of you is struggling with thoughts and feelings of confusion, guilt, and sadness. How can your marriage move past this? The good news is, your marriage can not only move past this emotional affair; it can grow stronger because of this difficult circumstance—but both spouses need to be willing to to navigate the aftermath well, both individually and together.
The Spouse Who Had The Emotional Affair
Maybe you weren’t even sure you were having an emotional affair. You might have slid down the slippery slope of innocent friendship to emotional dependency and intimacy with someone who’s not your spouse. Maybe there were issues in your marriage that made it easier for you to begin to disconnect from your spouse and build a relationship with someone else. Maybe this is all about you and the little spark you got from the novelty of someone new and the secrecy of your interaction with them.
Bottom Line: You were doing marital work with someone who wasn’t your marriage partner. You crossed the boundary of faithfulness, exclusivity, deception, and betrayal.
Please read this account of how this individual was able to move past an emotional affair and how their marriage survived and grew stronger. ★ Note the steps that were taken.
[Information in brackets is mine.]- I admitted it: Shame can only exist in secret. When I was able to voice what was really going on, all the complexities of why I allowed it to go as far as it did and how I had realized the line had been crossed, the shame that surrounded the entire situation dissipated. [This is the first step. Friendships that are innocent don’t have to be kept a secret from your spouse and are nothing to be ashamed of. Come all the way clean with your spouse.]
- I stopped it: I wrote my ex co-worker a lengthy email telling him our friendship had crossed a line and that I felt it was unfair to ourselves and our spouses to continue it. I let him know that I had told my husband and encouraged him to tell his wife and take time refocusing on his marriage too. [Inform this person that your relationship is over. Full stop. Your spouse might want to read your email or listen via conference call. This is one of the first steps in rebuilding trust with your spouse.]
- I set personal boundaries: Hindsight is 20/20, so I was able to look at my mistakes and create a guide for boundaries in future opposite-sex friendships. Such as, I will never write another man something that I wouldn’t want my husband to read. [Your spouse will likely have input for the boundaries to protect your marriage. Be willing to do whatever it takes.]
- I reinvested in my marriage: Obviously no marriage is perfect. There is always work that needs to be done. With my energy and attention refocused on my husband, we grew stronger, together. [This is the key. Your marriage is in the ICU. The “what came first” question doesn’t matter. It’s time to reconnect with your spouse and pour your energy and attention into your marriage.]
I would only add to that excellent advice that you need to apologize to your spouse, ask for their forgiveness and express your commitment to them and your marriage.
If you want to move past the emotional affair, communicate your willingness to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and your relationship. ☆ You may need professional help to break out of the fantasy world you created and to deal with the addiction-like dynamics of your experience. You may also need professional help to reconnect with your spouse and to pour yourself into your marriage.
Emotional affairs can be just as shocking and damaging to a spouse as a sexual affair. Your spouse might bounce back and forth between hurt, anger, and normalcy. Be open to their needs, whether it is to answer questions or be alone. Understand it will take more than words and it will take time.
You need to be open to and compliant with any accountability related to your phone or other devices as you begin to rebuild trust. You need to accept any other accountability that your spouse deems necessary, including whatever else they need to feel secure, heal, and continue to rebuild trust (even if you think they’re going overboard or being unreasonable). They are probably navigating severe anxiety and hypervigilance. This is not the time to try to negotiate; it’s the time to live out true self-sacrificial love.
This is when you need good friends who are for your marriage and accountability.
The Spouse Who Was Betrayed By The Emotional Affair
You didn’t make your spouse have an emotional affair. Know this, believe this, feel this, but it is also true that affairs do not happen in a vacuum. There is always a context to infidelity and betrayal. The marriage and the affair are usually connected.
Often, the marital context allows for a better understanding of the emotional affair. As marriage therapist Esther Perel points out, “The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.” As the therapist puts it, “The betrayed spouse, to one degree or another, can be one dimension of the infidelity—just like narcissism, low self-esteem, addiction, or a mid-life crisis can be a key for understanding your spouse’s [emotional] infidelity.”
But make no mistake, your spouse chose to have an emotional affair. Probably in a series of little choices. It all could have been avoided by choosing to ignore a text, to not eat lunch with a coworker, to unfollow someone on social media, to not divulge things to someone that only a spouse should hear. They could have chosen to work on your marriage.
At a minimum, you should know the following:
- Who the emotional affair partner was.
- How long the affair lasted.
- How often they met.
- Where they met.
- How they communicated. (Email, secret texting apps, phone or burner phone, etc.)
If the marriage survives, this information is essential to avoid future affairs and for appropriate accountability and to put boundaries in place. Take time to think about what would be most helpful for you to know. Sometimes when affairs are uncovered, the betrayed spouse says they want to know every single detail of the relationship, only later to discover that all that information wasn’t really helpful.
Understand that men and women generally view emotional affairs differently. In fact, according to a survey by VictoriaMilan.com, an online affair dating site (the U.K.’s AshleyMadison.com) for people who are already married or in relationships, there are some clear distinctions between how men and women view emotional affairs.
Here’s what they discovered:
- 72% of men said sexual affairs were worse than emotional affairs.
- 69% of women said emotional affairs were worse than sexual affairs.
- 76% of women said they would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair
- Only 35% of men said they would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair.
- 80% of men said they would forgive an emotional affair.
- Only 30% of women indicated they would forgive an emotional affair.
According to this and other research, women are much more unforgiving of emotional connections while men are much more unforgiving of physical ones. Again, understand that, in general, men and women look at emotional affairs very differently.
This is important to acknowledge as you work toward understanding what happened, heal, rebuild trust, grow in security, and strengthen your marriage. Take care of yourself so that you are physically and emotionally healthy and whole.
When you’re ready, you need to offer and communicate true forgiveness. Be open and willing to change as an individual and in how you relate to your spouse. You can’t “dance the same dance” anymore. This is your new, second marriage even though it is with the same spouse. Be intentional about making it strong and healthy!
Expect good and bad days, ups and downs, three steps forward and two steps back. Healing as an individual, healing for your spouse, and healing as a couple is a process. Don’t be discouraged by bad days or setbacks. Have a friend who is for your marriage who can keep you accountable, and you can be honest with and vent to.
Don’t blame and focus on their affair partner. This is understandable but completely counter-productive, can re-traumatize you, fuel intrusive thoughts, and impede healing.
Find resources that work for you. Don’t hesitate to seek out professional counseling for yourself and marriage counseling for you both.
★ Only about 15% of marriages break up directly because of infidelity and end in divorce. According to counselors, couple’s therapists, and marriage coaches, whether the marriage will survive is based on how each spouse responds to the emotional affair.
Some Other Helpful Resources:
- How To Rebuild Trust In Marriage
- Will My Spouse Ever Forgive Me
- How To Save A Marriage That Is Falling Apart
- I Can’t Forgive My Spouse
- Infidelity And Forgiveness
- How Fear Impacts Your Marriage
- Does Your Marriage have Backbone
- How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor
- 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Do you have realistic expectations for your marriage? Fast forward to being married. You text your spouse about how long your day is and how you’ll be home late. They respond saying they actually got to go home early and can’t wait until you get home.
You think to yourself, “Ah, so glad they’re getting home early, now they can get started on dinner and some of the dishes that have piled up.”
You walk in the door and let out a big sigh with the clank of your keys on the key tray and just as you’re about to say “I love you. How was your day?” you see the dishes still in the sink and the second thing your spouse says after “Hey!” is “What’s for dinner?”
I imagine you’re frustrated at this point. Your day was long and coming home to more things to do and no time to relax was not how you pictured the night going. However, did your spouse know your expectation was for them to do those things? Normally you take care of the dishes and dinner!
No one can meet an expectation they don’t know is there.
Unrealistic expectations are also unspoken expectations. If you and your spouse hadn’t talked about what you expect each other to do when one spouse gets home late, then it’s unrealistic to believe they would know what you want.
When you have unspoken expectations or aren’t willing to meet halfway, there’s no chance for either you or your soon-to-be spouse to win. What seems to be a very realistic expectation to you is very unrealistic to them because there’s been a lack of communication. You run the risk of resentment and disappointment when you judge your spouse on expectations they can’t meet or didn’t know existed in the first place.
Common Unrealistic Expectations:
Your partner is responsible for your happiness.
Your husband/wife will definitely play a role in your happiness, but they can’t be the only source. Think about things that make you happy and things that make your spouse happy. Are they all the same? Probably not. They can be your everything without being everything for you. You, like them, are human. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll fall short, and ultimately, that’s okay if you handle it in a healthy way.
Your spouse will anticipate what you want and all of your needs since you’re married now.
As amazing as that would be, being married doesn’t make you or them a mind reader. Sorry if this is a bummer for you! I’m definitely guilty of this. I often think… “Well, since my husband knows me more intimately than anyone else and since we’ve been together so long, he’ll do things without me asking. He’s just that aware. That loving. That good.” As time and experts will tell, the only way my husband can truly know what I need is by me talking to him about it. It doesn’t make his actions any less genuine because he didn’t come to the conclusion on his own (another unrealistic expectation I held when we were dating). Instead it gives him the opportunity to love and care for me in the way I specifically want and need.
The way you approach an expectation is the only right way.
If we’re honest, being right feels good, and there’s a comfort in doing things your way instead of someone else’s. However, there’s a time to set aside the “right way” if it means you get to a resolution. Choose your battles. If you expect your spouse to do the dishes, then putting the bowls on the bottom rack instead of the top rack like you do needs to be okay. Is the job still getting done? In short, yes!
You will handle conflict the same way.
You two have to come to an agreement together on how you will handle/manage conflict. If one of you needs space and the other needs to talk it out immediately, find a compromise that benefits both of you, like a timeout, and choose a time to talk about it a little bit later. Or, if your spouse feels like something needs to be said in the moment, be willing to listen first and then take a timeout. It’s important to voice your expectations so the health of your marriage doesn’t suffer on the account of unspoken words!
A Few Realistic Expectations:
- Communicate well and often; talk about how you’re feeling on a regular basis.
- Speak to each other with kindness, no matter what.
- Show respect to each other in every situation.
- Pursue each other daily.
- Say “I love you” every chance you get.
- Give your best effort at all times, and know this looks different depending on the week!
On your wedding day, you’ll vow to go above and beyond for each other, love one another wholeheartedly (flaws and all), and support each during all of the “for better or for worse” times. Remember, you’re starting your marriage with vows to meet halfway and sacrifice your preferences. Don’t let unrealistic expectations keep your marriage from being the wonderful relationship it has the potential to be.
Here are some blogs I think you might find helpful as well:
- Conversations Every Engaged Couple Should Have Before They Say, “I Do”
- 8 Must-Have Conversations for Couples
- How to Prepare Yourself for Marriage
- How to Deal With Unspoken Expectations
- EXPECTATION FRUSTRATION PART 1: Unspoken Expectations
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
It’s that time of year! The leaves are changing colors and falling. There’s a cool breeze in the air. Pumpkin spice is the flavor of the season. We’ve moved past the laid-back summer and now it’s FALL, the season of football, fun… and romance.
Here are several romantic fall fun date ideas that bring out the best in the season and in your relationship!
(Be aware that there may be limited availability due to social distancing constraints. Have fun, but be safe!)
- Go to a pumpkin patch. Select a pumpkin. Take it home and carve it.
- Bake seasonal goodies (pies, cakes, cookies) together.
- Go antique shopping.
- Take a carriage ride.
- Go to a drive-in movie.
- Listen to your favorite old songs and dance around your home.
- Take a scenic walk.
- Go camping.
- Go apple picking in an orchard.
- Take a scenic train ride.
- Take a scenic drive to see fall foliage.
- Go to a Fall Festival.
- Go for a hike.
- Watch a scary movie.
- Go for a bike ride.
- Host a game night with friends and family.
- Take a day trip.
- Have a picnic either in a park or your backyard.
- Go for a wine or cider tasting.
- Go horseback riding.
- Stargaze and see who can find the most constellations.
- Rake the leaves, like adults. Jump in the leaves, like kids.
- Sit in front of a fire and read a book out loud together.
- Go to a high school football game.
- Movie marathon/binge watch your favorite TV series.
- Go on a local history tour.
- Take a painting class.
- Have a bonfire in your backyard and make S’mores.
- Go on a fall getaway weekend.
- Take part in a First Things First Virtual Date Night!
Conversation Starters:
Check out this list of 200 questions for couples to get the conversation started.
1. What makes you the happiest?
2. What’s worse? The barista getting your order wrong? Or finding a motorcycle in a parking spot you thought was empty?
3. What food best describes your personality?
4. What are your five most important personal values?
5. What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you?
6. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
7. Who is the person, currently alive, that you most want to meet right now?
8. What is your favorite type of romantic gesture?
9. What crazy thing do you want to try someday?
10. What’s one thing I can do to improve our relationship?
Now is the perfect time to get adventurous by exploring your community and creating quality time with each other. Play and fun builds intimacy in your relationship.
Now, go have some romantic FALL FUN as you try out these date ideas!
6 Exercises to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
When your relationship has a high level of emotional intimacy, you share your feelings, needs, fears, successes, and failures knowing you will continue to be loved and cared for by your partner.
Building strong intimacy in your marriage can give your marriage the satisfying fulfillment you desire.
Here are 6 exercises to strengthen emotional intimacy in your marriage:
1. Do something new and engaging together.
- Prepare new, exotic meals together from beginning to end. Search recipes for some cuisine the two of you would like to try. Together, buy the groceries, prepare the meal, and of course, eat together.
- Learn a new language together. Focus on learning relationship-specific words that will help you express appreciation, be affectionate, and flirt.
- Create a marriage bucket list and then get started on completing your list.
Research shows that doing new activities can reignite the passion in your relationship. They help the two of you experience challenges, successes, and failures together. You’re able to see each other’s authentic self without the pressure of being perfect.
2. Show affection.
- Each day, give each other a deep, passionate kiss for at least 20 seconds. Your body will release chemicals in your brain helping you to increase the connection between you. (We aren’t responsible for whatever happens next.😉 )
- Each day, give each other a great big hug for a minimum of 20 seconds. This has a similar effect of increasing the bond and connectedness. Just good, old-fashioned affection.
- Cuddle. Yes, that simple. Cuddle and rest in each other’s presence.
3. Do marriage enrichment together.
- Take a class.
- Attend a retreat.
- Participate in a marriage webinar.
- Read a book together and talk about it.
- See a good marriage counselor.
All are good ways you can invest in your marriage to help you share, grow closer to each other and strengthen emotional intimacy.
4. Make time to talk.
- Practice focused, uninterrupted talking and listening. Take 15-30 minutes each day to share whatever is on your heart. Your one goal is to make sure that each of you feels heard and understood. Some days the conversation may be a rundown of the day. Other days you may each reveal deeper levels of transparency and vulnerability.
- Be curious. Ask each other questions. Be vulnerable and transparent as you share your thoughts. Increase your intimacy with these 200 conversation starters for couples.
- Set aside regular time to connect. Dr. Linda Duncan, a marriage researcher and Professor Emeritus at Tarleton State University, shares that couples can build intimacy by intentionally connecting at four distinct points throughout their day: 1. When you wake up. 2. Before you depart for the day. 3. When you reconnect after work/school. 4. As you go to bed.
How you connect at each of these four moments can have a tremendous impact on the intimacy within your relationship. “Connecting” can be as simple as getting your spouse a cup of coffee and saying “Good morning,” giving them a kiss goodbye, and saying “I love you,” giving them a hug when they get home, and some pillow talk before saying “goodnight.”
5. Celebrate your togetherness.
- Stroll down memory lane, revisit memorable date nights, or look at pictures and videos while reminiscing on the experiences you’ve shared.
- Take 15 minutes to exchange genuine compliments or express appreciation for each other.
6. Make the most of pillow talk.
- Eliminate the tech devices and potential distractions. Invest that time into one another.
- Give kids a bedtime or at least a quiet time when they are in their rooms for the night leading up to bedtime.
- Share with each other how they can make you feel safe, cherished, and valued.
- Talk about what arouses each of you.
Each of these 6 exercises on their own may not strengthen your emotional intimacy. However, if you do these with a heart of gratitude and appreciation toward your partner and you make them a habit, you’ll begin to feel closer and more connected. You’ll find yourself sharing more of yourself and getting to know your partner more fully.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
