Why People Really Have Affairs (It’s Not Always Just About Sex)
Marital affairs are kind of like rust. On the surface, it’s apparent that a single, ugly event has happened. But underneath is a complex process of chemical reactions and driving forces that have built up over time. Affairs are complicated like that. And finding out why people really have affairs can be even more complicated.
Therapist Esther Perel describes an affair as having three essential elements:
- A secretive relationship
- An emotional connection
- A sexual chemistry
The word chemistry is used here because actual sexual activity doesn’t have to be involved to be a marital betrayal. To paraphrase Perel, the mere thought of a single kiss can be as powerful as hours of lovemaking.
It’s essential to understand emotional affairs-—when one is getting their emotional needs met by someone other than their spouse—are just as damaging to a marriage as sexual affairs. Not to mention the fact that emotional affairs often quickly escalate to sexual ones.
But what causes a spouse to stray? It’s tempting to want to peg the blame on a single factor. He just wasn’t getting enough from his wife, so we went hunting in the bars. She didn’t feel loved at home, and another man showed her attention.
Rarely do affairs boil down to one single reason. What leads up to the one-night-stand or the seductive conversations over text is usually a mix of ingredients that have been simmering for a while. To understand this, it might be more helpful to think of affairs as having contributing factors rather than reasons.
Let’s look at five of these contributing factors to help explain why people have marital affairs:
1. They let their guard down.
Good marriages do not prevent affairs. Just when you think, “I could never do that,” or “Our marriage is much too healthy for infidelity,” is when you are the most vulnerable. Anne Bercht, director of Beyond Affairs Network, writes that the keys to affair prevention are realizing your marriage is not immune because it’s good, and being informed. She says there is no such thing as affair-proofing your marriage. But “developing open, honest, respectful communication in your relationship, including the ability and commitment to give and receive constructive criticism” is a strong foundation to keep your guard up.
2. They let their marriage go out of focus.
We often become hyper-focused on work, stress, hefty schedules, or even kids. Especially kids. Life happens. It’s easy to fool ourselves and say we do this for our marriage. The problem is our marriage suffers because it’s not being focused on. It’s in these circumstances the doors to infidelity crack open. You can minimize this factor by ensuring your focus remains on your spouse.
3. They give a NOD.
Infidelity and marriage expert Scott Haltzman explains in his book, The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity, that an unfaithful partner gives a “NOD” toward an affair: Need, Opportunity, Disinhibition. The Need is something they feel is missing in their life, such as love, respect, attention, or emotional support. The Opportunity for the affair might be a business trip, an office party, the gym, or being alone with someone in your circle of friends. And the Disinhibition can be alcohol or drugs, but perhaps more often something such as resentment, depression, or a sense of entitlement.
What is interesting is the NOD can also be the key to avoiding infidelity. The more two people seek to meet each other’s needs in marriage, it minimizes the opportunities and disinhibition that leads to betrayal.
4. They were seeking something they feel they didn’t have.
Esther Perel says that affairs are less about sex and more about desire. “At the heart of an affair you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity…” The problem here is that often the other spouse doesn’t know these things are missing because they are never told. A healthy person communicates needs to their spouse.
5. They aren’t happy with themselves.
Many times, the affair is more about the unfaithful person than it is about the marriage or the other spouse. Perel, again, offers lots of wisdom here: “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are tearing away from, but the person we have ourselves become… We aren’t looking for another person as much as we are looking for another self.” Experiencing something missing from your marriage and seeing the NOD at work requires a hard inward look at yourself. It begs the question, “Am I happy with who I am? Am I about to let dissatisfaction with myself damage my marriage with this choice? “
The truth of the matter is we are all capable of having an affair. However, every spouse has the ability to say, even though I am capable, I will make the conscious choice not to walk through that door. As Anne Brecht puts it, be informed. Be aware of the contributing factors that can be at work and work to reverse those. Be open with your spouse and talk about these ideas. Together, make the conscious choice to remain steadfast in your marital relationship.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
4 Communication Exercises For Married Couples
Healthy communication lies at the root of any successful relationship. In marriage, this is even more of a necessity. Like our muscles, our communication skills also need to be worked out. There are practices we can make part of our regular routines that will strengthen communication in our marriage. Here are four communication exercises for married couples.
Exercise #1: The Weekly Meeting
If your marriage is like mine, you’re busy. You both have schedules, and your kids have schedules… I think my kids’ schedules are often busier than mine. This exercise is excellent to carve out time to focus on your marriage intentionally.
Set aside a non-negotiable chunk of time (30 minutes is a good starting point) when you will have no distractions. No phones, no tablets, no television, no kids. This time is for you to discuss your relationship and check in on your marriage’s health.
So what do you talk about? Start here:
- How are we doing as a couple?
- Is there anything we need to finish addressing from this week?
- How can I make you feel more loved and appreciated?
You don’t have to stop here. These questions are just ideas to get you started.
As you dedicate this time each week, check out these keys to effective communication in marriage to enhance your communication.
Exercise #2: Connecting Through Breathing
The purpose of this exercise is to focus on your partner and remove distractions. To begin, sit facing each other, touching foreheads. Tilt your chins down, so you don’t bump noses.
Breathe at least seven deep breaths. Try to breathe slowly and in sync. As you get the hang of this exercise, you may choose to do more breaths or focus on breathing for a set amount of time. It’s all about connecting and focusing on one another.
When you need to slow down and refocus, this is a great practice. Once you have refocused on one another, take the time to talk about how your marriage is doing.
This exercise is ideal for clearing your minds and having a healthy conversation.
You’ve had conversations with your spouse, even arguments, and maybe straight-up fights about this issue or that problem, BUT those interactions often don’t lead to any solutions. But why is that exactly?
Join us for this 20-minute webinar to find out!
Exercise #3: Can I Get A Hand?
Often in marriage, misunderstandings come from not sharing our needs. Your spouse is not a mind reader, so it’s vital to communicate your needs clearly and effectively. This exercise will help.
In this exercise, you’ll both be working toward a common goal. Each person will place a hand behind their back, and together you’ll try to do a simple task such as buttoning a shirt, pouring a cup of coffee, or any other task around the house. Be as clear as possible in communicating with each other to accomplish the task together.
This was a pretty enlightening experience for me. We had some really good laughs AND I learned there were some things I could do to communicate more clearly with my wife.
Exercise #4: Active Listening
This exercise focuses on verbal and nonverbal communication.
Set a timer for 3-5 minutes. One spouse communicates whatever they are feeling or thinking, uninterrupted. The other spouse listens and communicates nonverbally. When the timer goes off, both of you discuss the experience.
Then switch roles and practice again.
These are just a few exercises you can practice to increase communication in your marriage. Healthy communication plays an essential role in any thriving relationship. Make exercising your communication muscles a priority in your marriage and take it to the next level.
Ready, set… time to work out!
Related:
How To Improve Bad Communication In Marriage
3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage
4 Things Every Couple Should Know About Communication In Marriage
How To Improve Bad Communication In Marriage
Every couple experiences little instances of communication breakdown. It just happens.
Of course, the little things can gradually chip away at your connectedness in your marriage. Small drops of water from a leaky pipe over time lead to big problems.
Minor bad communication habits are like that. Not that big of a thing in the moment, but given time… you get the picture.
So with that in mind, here are four common communication habit scenarios every couple experiences. The good news is, you can fix or improve bad communication with a little intention:
Scenario 1:
Fred asks Wilma if it’d be okay to go bowling with Barney tonight. Wilma replies, “Sure, you can go if you want.” However, Wilma’s tone of voice sounds less than enthused. And her crossed arms and frown suggests she’s not as approving as her words suggest.
Wilma is sending mixed messages to Fred. Her words don’t match her non-verbal cues. She feels bad saying no, but she would really love for him to stay home and spend time with her. This leaves Fred in a no-win situation: Should he accept her verbal permission and go, or stay home because of her tone and body language?
The Fix:
Wilma needs to be honest with her feelings and maybe work out an alternative. Perhaps he can go out tonight and plan on quality time with Wilma the next evening.
If Fred senses the mixed message, he needs to politely ask his wife, “Dear, I appreciate you letting me go tonight, but your tone and crossed arms seem to be telling me something else. Am I reading you right?”
Scenario 2:
Pam has had a rough day at work; her boss just seems incompetent, and her co-workers lazy. She shares with her husband Jim that evening. Jim makes several suggestions on how to handle things. Pam walks away feeling misunderstood.
You’ve had conversations with your spouse, even arguments, and maybe straight-up fights about this issue or that problem, BUT those interactions often don’t lead to any solutions. But why is that exactly?
Join us for this 20-minute webinar to find out!
The Fix:
The issue here is Pam just wants to be heard. There are times for solutions—this isn’t one of them for Pam. It would do Jim good to gently ask Pam during the conversation, “Hon, is this one of these things where you want some help fixing this or where you just want me to listen and try to understand?” Pam would feel appreciated just being asked that.
Knowing Jim is a fix-it kinda guy, Pam could prep Jim a little and say, “I want to share what happened today, and I don’t really need anything to be fixed; I just need you to listen.”
Scenario 3:
Rachel tries to tell Ross the chores she’d like his help with this weekend. Ross is currently engaged in the game on TV. When she’s finished, Ross blankly looks up at her and says, “Huh?” Rachel walks away frustrated while Ross sits there confused.
The Fix:
Rachel should understand Ross’s mind is in the game. It’s sometimes difficult for people to switch from one “mindset” to another. Rachel might ask her husband, “Would it be okay, when you get to a pause in the game, to talk some about this weekend?“
Ross needs to consider how important this conversation is for his wife. If the topic were more urgent, he’d definitely need to put the game on hold and give his wife his full attention. In this case, he might pause the game and say something like, “Babe, I know this is important to you. Could we wait until halftime to talk, and I can give you my full attention?”
Scenario 4:
Zach assumes Kelly is taking the garbage out. He notices the can is not by the curb. He says to her, “Hey Kel, the garbage hasn’t been taken out yet.” Kelly, a little miffed, replies, “Good observation, Zach…”
Zach just wants to see the garbage get out on time. But his first whammy is that he “assumes.” Add this to the fact he expects Kelly to read his mind, and bad communication results.
The Fix:
The problem is in his approach. Zach needs to put assumptions aside and be more direct (and still respectful): “Hey Kel, were you planning to take the garbage out? I thought you said you were but wanted to be sure I heard you right.” [And if Zach were really considerate…] “If not, I can do it.” With this approach, Kelly needs to remember she and Zach are a marital team and consider where he is coming from. Without making assumptions of her own, she can politely reply with something like, “Thanks for reminding me. I’ll take care of it in just a minute.”
★ It’s the little things that count. The same can be said for improving communication in marriage. Hopefully, you can relate to at least one of these scenarios. It’s often an easy fix, but a significant one. Acknowledge these scenarios with your spouse in your own relationship. Laugh about it; say, “Yup, that’s us!” and then take the simple steps to fix the leaky pipe of bad communication. Soon the small drops will be water under the bridge.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
“But we’re only just friends!” or “I have to talk to Karen in Accounting for work!” These can be the typical responses from people having emotional or “virtual” affairs. According to several sources like psychologists Kristina Coop Gordon and Erica A. Mitchell at The University of Tennessee Knoxville, data indicates that emotional or “virtual” affairs are rising. Big time.
So, how do you protect your marriage from an emotional affair?
It’s worth noting that with so many people working strange hours from home and using texts, phone calls, Facetime, and Zoom, the separation of work and home life has become muddled. Emotional affairs crackle across electronic devices as conversations easily slide from a work project to personal problems, usually innocently at first.
Working from home can be contributing to the rise in emotional infidelity in another way. You may be spending a lot more time at home with your spouse. This can quickly lead to conflict, taking each other for granted, or just plain boredom—making you more susceptible to an emotional affair without even knowing it. Some researchers are concerned this surge in virtual emotional affairs could lead to a surge in sexual infidelity when things get back to “normal.”
Many couples are on guard against sexual infidelity but don’t give as much thought to emotional infidelity. This is dangerous for several reasons:
- Emotional affairs often escalate to sexual affairs.
- Emotional affairs are often easier to justify because they blur the lines between co-worker/friend/someone you have an inappropriate connection with.
- Connecting emotionally with someone other than your spouse means disconnecting emotionally from your spouse. That spells all kinds of trouble.
- Co-workers, exes, and “friends” are just a click away.
Here are five ways to protect your marriage from an emotional affair. Pay attention.
- Invest in your spouse and your marriage. Schedule routines that keep you communicating and connected. Get creative—schedule a stay-at-home date night and dress fancy for your favorite dinner.
- Have an honest talk with your spouse about boundaries that will protect your marriage. This isn’t about your “rights” or even trust. It’s about what your spouse needs to feel secure in your love. Include electronic devices in the conversation. Check out these resources for this ongoing convo: Help! My Spouse HATES to Talk About Boundaries! and 4 Steps for Setting Good Boundaries.
- If you have come close to or crossed the line, have friends for your marriage who ask you the hard questions and keep you accountable if necessary.
- If you can’t avoid someone altogether, keep everything professional, to a minimum, and your spouse in the loop.
- Seek professional marriage help if necessary.
Stay connected to your spouse. Do your marital work with them. Don’t let conflicts or disagreements turn into bitterness or resentment. Handle that stuff quickly.
★ Where you invest is where you’ll get your returns.
If you’re both working from home, don’t take this opportunity for granted. Flirt with that hottie at your home office! Schedule times to have coffee breaks together, “working” lunches, and maybe even some activities in the afternoon that would make HR blush.
You got this!
Related Articles:
5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage
Am I Having an Emotional Affair?
Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
How to Move Past an Emotional Affair
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage
What if I told you you could say some magic words that would take your sex life to the next level in your marriage?
Let’s try it. Ready? Say them aloud slowly and clearly:
Koh-mew-nick-hey-shon.
Did it work?
Probably not. Magic words don’t really work that way.
But there’s good news! There is something that can bring your marital sex life to the next level! (And it’s magical, in a sense!) Communication.
Lots of research has shown us how communication and sexual satisfaction in marriage are positively linked.
How you talk to each other could determine how fulfilling your bedroom activities are. Here’s why:
- Good communication in marriage is conditional; it depends on using effective communication skills in a healthy way.
- Good marital sex is conditional; it depends on setting the right atmosphere that good communication provides.
Public Service Announcement: We have to make a distinction between good marital sex and, well, just sex. Any couple can “do the deed.” No communication needed for that. But you do need healthy communication for you and your spouse to have fulfilling, satisfying, amazing, bring-two-bodies-and-two-hearts-together-makes-our-marriage-stronger kind of sex.
I think you get the picture…
So, with that simple but very important concept in mind, here are three ways good communication can enhance sex in marriage:
1. Good communication gives you a greater sense of connection, closeness, trust, and intimacy, which spells out better sex later on. Good communication is great foreplay.
Author and speaker Dr. Gary Chapman tells us that, because satisfying marital sex depends so much on other areas in our marriage being healthy, foreplay doesn’t begin once you hop into bed. It starts way before. It’s how you handled that tough morning conversation, the deep discussion you had over coffee, the laughter you shared. All of these interactions throughout the day set the stage for what happens in the bedroom at night.
Put It Into Practice! Read up on some resources for more meaningful conversations in your marriage, including this and this. If you want to go into a deep dive for deeper communication, work through this fun online communication course as a couple.
2. Good communication increases vulnerability. Baring it helps you bare it all!
“Bear” with me on this (pun totally intended).
Marital sex is often a reflection of how other relationship exchanges with our spouse go down, including how you communicate. So, if your points of communication include moments when you feel like you can “bare it all,” (you can share your true feelings, thoughts, and needs) then this helps you to feel more vulnerable and open in the bedroom. It increases your ability to feel secure with your body and to “let go” a little when having a fun romp with your spouse.
Put It Into Practice! Incorporate “deeper level” questions into your conversations:
- What are the top 3 things you need from me in our relationship?
- What is a dream you would love to see fulfilled (no matter how unrealistic)?
- Who’s had the greatest influence on you as a person?
- When do you feel the most loved by me?
3. Good communication about sex can enhance sex. So… talking about sex leads to better sex!
Studies tell us sexual communication among couples—discussing what they like, what they don’t like, what’s a turn-on, what positions they enjoy, and so on—is linked to satisfying marital sex.
Couples often need to work through the awkwardness they might feel with sexual communication. It’s important to remember this is a process. The more you engage in sexual communication, the more natural it becomes. Sexual communication both increases connectedness and improves what goes on in the bedroom.
Put It Into Practice! Schedule a regular weekly time to talk about sex. Focus on a specific question each time, like:
- What gets you in the mood?
- Which things turn you on about me?
- What positions feel the best for you?
- What kind of foreplay (besides good communication, of course!) sets the stage for you?
- What’s something new you’d like to try in the bedroom?
There are no magic words you can just say to make sex more mind-blowing. But over time, the words you say, the communication you share between you and your spouse, can make marital sex more magical. Try some of these practices this week. Make them a habit and watch the magic move from words to the bedroom.
Great articles for improving your marital communication:
- Communicating Effectively
- Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage
- 6 Tips to Have a Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse
- The Importance of MeaningLESS Conversations
- Talk to Me Like Lovers Do – Date Night Video
- 10 Things Every Couple Needs to Know About Sex
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
So, what do you do if you think your spouse’s friends are hurting your marriage?
It’s essential to proceed with great care. Your goal is to voice your concern in a way that’s respectful to your spouse. How you approach the subject can move you toward resolution or, in the opposite direction, toward conflict.
Proceeding with care means you need to ask yourself some crucial questions before talking with your spouse about it.
What exactly am I seeing, hearing, and experiencing that makes me feel this way?
- Can I name something specific which makes me think my spouse’s friends are bringing harm to our relationship?
- What are my spouse’s friends’ marriages like?
- Is this a new friend that concerns me?
Is what I’m seeing in my spouse’s friends hurting my spouse as a person?
- Have I seen this person have a negative impact on my spouse?
- Is it causing my spouse to be someone they aren’t?
- Do these friends care about my spouse’s well-being?
Is there something going on within me (rather than my spouse) causing these negative feelings to be triggered?
- What are my own friendships like? Is there anything lacking that may influence how I’m feeling about my spouse’s friends?
- Am I taking care of myself? Am I trying to be my best self in my marriage?
Is there something between my spouse and their friends going against what we stand for in our marriage?
- Do my spouse’s friends know how things work in our marriage?
- Do they openly support our marriage?
Having a good, productive conversation with your spouse means you will need to consider the answers to some of these questions. The hope is for you to approach your spouse calmly and respectfully with your thoughts and feelings. Can you come to a common understanding of what is causing your sentiments and agree on how to move forward?
★ Here’s how to do that.
Try to approach your spouse when neither of you is feeling stressed. It might help your spouse focus more on the conversation if you ask them to set aside a time to talk.
Be specific with your spouse about what you’ve observed that concerns you. Use “I” statements to own your own feelings. People usually respond better when they don’t feel like they are being accused and put on trial. Approach the conversation with a calm… paced… voice.
This is the message you want to communicate: I’m concerned for you and our marriage because… [Avoid making blanket accusing statements like, “Your friends are ruining our marriage by doing such-and-such.”] Be sure to let your spouse know your ultimate goal is for your marriage to be as healthy as it can, and you don’t want anything to stand in the way of that. Acknowledge you realize how important it is for your spouse to have friends—but friends that are for you and your marriage.
This is important: Allow your spouse to speak about this subject. Naturally, they might be on the defensive; that’s okay. Simply hear them out and calmly reinforce your primary concern.
The place you want to get to is the security that your marriage is no longer being threatened. So, you and your spouse need to come to an agreement as to how that can happen.
- Does a particular activity with friends need to be modified or stopped altogether?
- Maybe time with friends needs to be limited?
- Does my spouse need to have a conversation with their friends about what our marriage stands for?
- Does my spouse need to distance herself from one of her friends?
- Do I need to change something in my own mindset to help me feel better about my spouse’s friends?
- Do my spouse and I need to spend more time together?
Friends are important. But they should never cause a problem for your marriage.
Take time to ask yourself the important questions and plan a calm, conversational approach. If needed, seek professional help to determine a solution, preferably involving both you and your spouse. Remember, these conversations aren’t always easy, and it might not all be settled in your first talk. Hard conversations, handled well, are well worth having for a stronger marriage.
Related:
How to Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
What to Do When Your Spouse Lacks Empathy
My Friends Are Getting Divorced and It’s Affecting My Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Have you had to navigate this in your marriage? What suggestions do you have? Be sure to leave them in the comments section below!
Friendships are a valuable possession. Without them, you have an increased risk of loneliness. With them come connection and support. But what about when there’s a question mark as to whether the friendship is helping or hurting your marriage?
Friendships can play a crucial role in the health of your marriage. I’ve had friends support my wife and me through some extremely difficult times. I look back and wonder how different our marriage would be if not for some of those amazing relationships. On the other hand, I’ve listened to friends do and say things that can cripple or sabotage a marriage.
Just like a virus, your friends can spread their values, priorities, and attitudes. Research shows that the tighter the friend group, the more easily these things spread. This can be a positive or a negative depending on your friends.
Are friends important? Yes. Can friends influence your marriage? Studies have found that being friends with someone who gets divorced makes someone 147% more likely to get divorced themselves.
When you’re in that uncomfortable place of trying to determine if a particular friend is hurting your marriage, here are some things to consider.
- Is your friend for your marriage? Are they for marriage, in general? Some people have a sour outlook on marriage; they are generally cynical toward marriage and have difficulty believing that it won’t eventually end in pain. Does your friend encourage you to turn away from your marriage or lean into it?
- How do they talk about their own spouse? If your friend is constantly complaining about their spouse, unless you are intentional about doing something different, it becomes easy to join in. Therapist and author Michelle Weiner-Davis says the more you complain about your spouse, the less likely you want to go home and be more loving to them. And while she was specifically talking about wives, the same is certainly true the other way around.
- Are you discussing things with your friends you should be discussing with your spouse? It’s ok to bounce ideas off your friends. But this should never replace intimate or tough conversations with your spouse.
- Is your friendship helping you be a better person? Is your friendship encouraging you to be more thoughtful or selfish? Are they encouraging you to look out for you regardless of the impact on the ones you love? Yes, there are times when a friend must help you focus on yourself. Your good friends will help you be healthy, not self-centered.
- Does your friend always take your side? Friends who only tell you what you want to hear aren’t going to help your marriage. Good friends of your marriage will help you better communicate with your spouse. Instead of saying things like that, “I can’t believe your spouse would do something like that,” they ask questions like, “Have you asked your spouse about it?” They use some discernment to help you see things clearly.
- Do they respect your spouse? Your spouse may not have been who your friend would’ve picked for you. Even amid the differences, friends should learn to respect your decisions and the differences between them and your spouse. After all, you married your spouse, not your friend.
As you reflect on your friendships, it should be clear whether your friendship is supportive of you being the best version of yourself.
Not just as a spouse, but as a person. Good friends can help you see whether you’re just trippin’ or if you’re missing something important. Overall, they should help you be closer to your spouse while also helping you know if you’re losing yourself in your marriage in a negative way.
Don’t be afraid to make necessary adjustments to your relationships. As you go through different seasons of life, what you need from a friend may change. There’s nothing wrong with that. Letting some friends go can be helpful. Adjusting the amount of time you spend with friends may change. And holding tight to some friends may be imperative.
In all this, keeping your marriage as a priority is a must. A friend that helps you do that is a friend that’s helping your marriage, not hurting it. The study, “Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else is Doing it Too: Social Network Effects on Divorce in a Longitudinal Sample” did discover something extremely hopeful. “Interestingly, only outside support from friends and family predicted marital success in the time period examined.”
Related:
My Friends Are Getting Divorced and It’s Affecting My Marriage
Can A Friendship Make You Thrive?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
5 Things You Should Have In Common With Your Spouse
How much do I need to have in common with my spouse for our marriage to be healthy and happy? Do we need to like all the same things for this to work?
These are valid questions faced by many engaged or newly-married couples. We all want to be compatible with our partner, we want to share interests and likes, but do we need to have everything in common?
You should have some things in common with your spouse, but it doesn’t have to be everything. There is beauty in our differences. Marriage thrives even when we are different.
Here are some things you should have in common with your spouse:
Goals.
It is vital to have some shared goals, such as family size and career aspirations. You don’t want to get three years into marriage to find out you have different plans for children. You also don’t want your marriage to suffer because one person desires to climb the corporate ladder while the other does not. It doesn’t mean you both need to be ambitious in your career, but you need to discuss those ambitions and have a common goal that addresses what you both want. The same goes for family goals.
Values.
Values are critically important as you are establishing your marriage. When you share common values such as honesty, loyalty, transparency, faith, etc., you have a foundation upon which to build your marriage. You don’t have to share all the same values, but you need to share core values.
Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously.
I’m gonna share a secret with you. Ready? Marriage is hard. Doing life with someone isn’t easy. Injecting humor into the relationship helps alleviate stress. Have a shared understanding of what humor is. Do you see humor as jokes, pranks, sarcasm, goofiness? Talk about what humor means to each of you and make sure you are on the same page. You don’t want one spouse’s humor to be insulting to the other. A fun marriage is a happy marriage.
Boundaries.
Boundaries are crucial to your marriage, but what are boundaries? Think of a guardrail on the highway. Why is it there? To keep you out of the ditch. Boundaries work the same way. Do you both have the same boundaries on opposite-sex friends? This will be huge for your marriage. Talk about it now. Here is a resource for you: How to Talk to Your Spouse About Opposite-Sex Friends.
Friends and Family.
Friends and family are important. Have a conversation early about this. Do each of you continue to maintain all of your friendships and habits with friends? Do you come to an agreement about how often each of you hangs out with friends? Where does family fall in your marriage? Family is important, but the family you are building is more important. Agree on some common boundaries for friends and family that keep your marriage at the forefront.
Related:
Help! My Spouse and I Have Nothing in Common
We’re Total Opposites! Can Our Relationship Work?
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
You and your partner aren’t going to have everything in common, and that’s okay. Relationships can thrive in our differences. Your marriage will be fuller when you both embrace what makes you unique. You should have some things in common with your spouse, talk about these, and lay the groundwork for a happy, healthy marriage.
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