Why It’s Important To Care About Your Spouse’s Interests
You may find yourself in the spot where you and your spouse don’t have much in common in the way of interests or hobbies. Maybe you think you have nothing in common. And you may wonder, should I care about my spouse’s interests? If I don’t share my spouse’s interests, does that mean I don’t care about my spouse? Just how important is it to care about what they like to do??
Let me tell you about my situation. I fish. It’s what I do. My wife, not so much. Actually, not at all.
But I will tell you what my wife does do. She recognizes when I need to de-stress, and says, “Babe, you need to go fishing.”
Here’s my point: She does not at all share in my love of fishing. But she cares for me enough to support my love of fishing.
There are two bottom lines here. The first is, if you care about your spouse, you will naturally care about their interests. (Notice, I didn’t say you will share in them.)
Here’s why it’s essential:
- Your spouse’s interests (assuming they’re healthy interests) are what helps them be a better version of themselves. How fulfilled do you feel when you’re doing something you like? Do your interests give you a sense of meaning and identity? Of course. That’s why you take part in your interests. Your spouse feels the same way.
- Your spouse’s hobbies help them to practice self-care. Whether it’s fishing, scrapbooking, running, cooking, reading, or yard work, our interests serve to bring our stress and anxiety levels down a few notches. It’s part of how we maintain our mental health. What your mate does for fun allows them to de-stress and unwind.
- Your spouse’s interests help them to be a better spouse and parent. Add up the two previous points, and your spouse is in a better position to be what they need for your family.
The second bottom line is this: caring about your spouse’s interests doesn’t mean you have to share those interests.
There are ways to show care for your spouse and support them in their interests without feeling the need to invest waist-deep in those activities yourself.
Here are some possibilities:
- Encourage them to do what they enjoy doing in times of stress or anxiety. You know your spouse. You can tell when they need a break or just a mental health tune-up. Like anyone else, sometimes they may need a reminder that doing something they love is just what they need at that moment.
- Affirm and compliment them in their interests. When I catch a fish I’m proud of, I take a picture and send it to my wife. The truth: she couldn’t care less about how big a fish I caught. But she always compliments me on it and tells me, “Good job! Way to go! You are such a studly fisherman!” (Okay, I made that last one up, but I’m sure that’s what she’d say.) Let your spouse know you like them doing what they like doing.
- Participate as a “one-time experience.” Your spouse may feel supported if you participate once in what they like doing, understanding it’s not a regular thing. The outdoors may not be your thing, but joining your spouse on an easy hike, just this once, can show them your support. The point here isn’t that you’re going to try to love cooking, but that you love being with your spouse. And all this without the pressure of requiring yourself to take up hiking every weekend.
- Allow your spouse to be the expert. I love it when my wife asks me something about fishing because it allows me to tell her all I know about it. Truthfully, she may not remember the difference between a spinning rod and a fly rod. But she cared enough to ask me about something I love doing that I know she doesn’t love.
- Encourage growth in their interests. Part of the joy of having hobbies is they give you something to grow in knowledge and skill. It feels good to improve your ability to camp, sew, do woodworking, or paint. You are in the position to be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader with this.
You can offer lots of care and love for your spouse without feeling the need to take on a hobby you have no interest in.
I’d encourage you to share an honest conversation about the interests you share and don’t share. ✦ Don’t forget! Carve out time to do things together you both love to do. No matter what, be sure to let them know you love them loving what they love to do as well.
5 Things You Don’t Need to Have in Common With Your Spouse
When I first started dating my husband 32 years ago (but who’s counting?), the first thing I noticed about him besides his legs was how different we were from each other.
I was concerned we didn’t have many things in common. Would this be a stumbling block to our future marriage?
Now, I see the benefits. I see how not acting the same, not thinking the same, interacting with others exactly the same, or even having a whole lot in common became a strength in our marriage, not a problem. The things we didn’t have in common caused us to respect each other and support each other better. I had to stop myself from continually thinking we had to have everything in common. I realized the words from Jerry Maguire were absolutely wrong. It’s not about seeking to complete each other, but learning to complement each other despite differences.
Here are some things you and your spouse DON’T need to have in common:
1. Personality
From the very beginning of our relationship, my husband and I were and are different. He liked Lakers’ Showtime of the ’80s while I was a fan of the Bad Boys of Detroit. I loved pro football, and he was a big college football fan. I am an extreme extrovert who loves being around many people. At the same time, he is much more comfortable around a small group of close friends. Neither one of us is right or wrong. Instead, we learned to respect and embrace our differences.
2. Common Interests and Activities
Many couples struggle with the idea that they must spend “all their time together.” Yes, you and your spouse need to spend intentional quality time together. You don’t need to spend every waking moment together or have all your interests and activities in common. While you are a part of a couple, it’s vital for you as an individual to grow and develop. The key is to support your spouse in their activities. I enjoy reading. My husband—not so much. It makes me feel loved and valued when he goes to a bookstore with me while I just wander around. Or he takes care of our family while I head to a bookstore. In both cases, he is demonstrating his care and support for me and my interests.
3. Family/Cultural Background
Although my husband and I come from the same racial & ethnic background, our families are very different. My family is composed of biological family and friends that become family. His family was basically made of his immediate family, aunts, uncles, and biologically-related cousins. It doesn’t matter if you come from a single-parent family with one child or a large family with several children. You could have been born in Georgia while your spouse is from Utah. As long as you recognize and appreciate what you each bring to your relationship, it will not suffer because of your cultural differences.
4. Political Beliefs
As a young adult, I watched James Carville and Mary Matalin work for 2 different presidential campaigns. I watched how they disagreed politically yet didn’t let it negatively affect their relationship. Political beliefs are deeply felt and long-standing. Allowing your spouse to hold their opinions, which differ from yours, causes us to create spaces of patience, understanding, and civility.
5. Housekeeping and Organizational Skills
As someone who is organizationally challenged, I am grateful that my husband and I don’t have this in common. If we did, we might have ended up on “Hoarders.” (Not really…) For him, everything has a place. For me, as long as I can find it, I’m good. The key is to respect each other and not mandate your spouse to change to be exactly like you. Remember, it’s about complementing each other, not making a clone.
Related:
Help! My Spouse and I Have Nothing in Common
We’re Total Opposites! Can Our Relationship Work?
★ For a long time, I wanted him to act like me, like the same things I liked; be involved with the same activities. I thought it would make our relationship better if we liked ALL the same things. I now understand and respect our differences. The fact that we are not the same and see things differently makes us STRONGER. We lovingly and consistently challenge each other to see old things in a new and unique way.
No matter where you are in your relationship, it’s vital to love and accept your spouse for who they are without spending all of your energy worrying you don’t have things in common.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
4 Things Every Couple Should Know About Communication In Marriage
“Why can’t we just talk about it?” Couples should know: Communication is essential in any relationship, but communication is at the core of marriage. Poor, unclear, or sporadic communication in marriage is its own problem, but unhealthy communication also makes it difficult to work on other marital issues like disagreements related to finances, sex, and dealing with in-laws.
Communication Is So Simple, So Why The Communication Breakdown?
Communication occurs when both spouses effectively talk and listen to each other. One spouse says what they are thinking or feeling while the other spouse not only hears but listens. No one feels the need to ramble on. Spouses take turns without interjecting or interrupting. They provide verbal and nonverbal feedback, which lets their spouse know they were heard. Sounds simple enough, right? Why is the breakdown so easy?
What Is And What Should Never Be...
Often, we care more about being right than we care about our spouse or working together to solve the problem at hand. We speak when we should be listening; we hear but don’t really listen. We’re too busy thinking of our comeback. We let things escalate. We don’t feel safe being honest. Soon, it isn’t even communication; it’s a laundry list of past hurts, raw feelings, defensiveness, pride, snark, sarcasm, raised voices, or people withdrawing altogether.
The Song Remains The Same.
How do you break this cycle? We communicate differently. Recognize how you both communicate and change the tune. You may be more assertive at speaking while having trouble listening. Your spouse may be great at listening but have difficulty sharing what they think or feel. All isn’t lost if you discover you communicate differently. It’s important to remember that communication in marriage is a skill that can grow, develop, and flourish over time. When you find your groove, it can actually build intimacy in your marriage.
Four things couples should know about communication in marriage:
1. Communication is a Process.
No matter how good you get at communicating with your spouse, you will both still occasionally miscommunicate. There will always be good times and bad times sharing. When miscommunication occurs, recognize it, acknowledge it, and hit reset. It’s not a big deal or the end of the world. Focus on the process of communicating and building a stronger connection. You’ll both feel less dazed and confused.
2. Communication is a Skill.
We often think communication is easy because we have a mouth and ears. It’s true, however; healthy communication is a skill we learn and can continue to develop.
How we learned to communicate does impact our communication in marriage. What communication patterns were you and your spouse raised with? If a lot of yelling was modeled, it could become a default communication setting. Additionally, one of you may have observed how sharing thoughts and feelings was met with criticism and sarcasm. It might be hard to say, “The way I feel…”
You can learn new ways to communicate and change the patterns that lead to miscommunication and create distance between you and your spouse.
3. Communication Takes Practice.
The average couple spends 20 minutes per week communicating. For some people, that might sound about right. Studies also showed when couples communicated with each other for just five minutes a day, they felt more connected and understood. Understand that for many spouses, communication in marriage is a significant way they seek connection. Your spouse wants to know all about you to bond with you—your day, feelings, dreams, disappointments, and goals. Their communication needs involve quality and quantity—lots of in-depth communication.
Other spouses need together-time to connect. Talking might be optional. They are content to simply be with you and enjoy your company. Being quiet doesn’t mean anything is wrong. They aren’t trying to be distant or avoid conversation. They bond by being together doing an activity.
Neither is right or wrong. Identify your individual marriage communication needs and, if necessary, meet each other halfway. Find things that are “doing” like going for walks, working in the yard, putting a puzzle together, and adding some “talking” to it. Why not both?
4. Communication: A Two-Way Street to a Whole Lotta Love.
Communication is a two-way street. Your marriage can get somewhere if you learn to stay in your lane and respect the posted signs.
Sometimes, you need to stop and yield some time just to listen. Your spouse isn’t looking for any new construction; your mate just wants to be heard.
If you take too many forks on the road and don’t observe the posted speed limit, your spouse can’t keep up and will get lost.
All drivers should use “I” statements (I think, I feel, I need). No sharp “You” turns—don’t make your spouse a defensive driver. No parking in past, settled, healed wounds. Do not enter a mindset where your spouse is your adversary. Put your phone away—no distracted driving. (Use caution if there are children at play nearby.) When you’ve reached a dead end, pick up the conversation later.
As you learn how to merge with traffic safely, you will find your relationship traveling to exciting new destinations. There will be fewer icy road conditions and dangerous curves ahead. You’ll just enjoy the ride to deeper intimacy.
10 Years Gone…
Invest in some communication tools like The Magic of Communication In Marriage E-book or others. See where they take you!
Healthy communication in marriage can spur growth and connection. It may take time. Little by little, the levee breaks, and it becomes easier to be transparent and vulnerable. You’re using communication to solve problems together instead of creating problems through poor or infrequent communication. Your marriage bond is more robust. You feel free to share thoughts and feelings. You made it a point to improve communication in your marriage, and now you are enjoying the fruits of your labor!
Related:
6 Ways Poor Communication Can Affect Your Marriage
Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Friends are people we confide in, have fun with, and can be ourselves around. Does this sound like your spouse? If so, fantastic! It’s great to be best friends with the person you share your life with. If not, never fear; you can be a better friend to your spouse. Let’s be real for a minute… life and kids can make friendships challenging to maintain, especially with those in our own house.
Here are 5 ways you can be a better friend to your spouse:
Build playfulness into your daily routine.
Friends are people we love to laugh with. To be a better friend to your spouse, take the temperature of the playfulness of your marriage. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of the daily routine. When you add kids to the mix, your time is even more stretched. Look for ways to be playful throughout the day. My wife and I are notorious for love taps on the butt. It’s playful and flirty all in one! Win-Win!
Explore each other’s interests.
Remember when you were first dating? You wanted to know everything your boyfriend or girlfriend was interested in. Well, interests change. If you haven’t continued the conversation, then dive back in. Good friends know what each other likes. To be a better friend, show a genuine interest in your spouse’s hobbies or passions.
Have a regular date night… and don’t talk about the kids.
Life is busy, am I right? Having a regularly-scheduled date night is vital to your marriage. Don’t get stuck on just dinner, either. Get creative! Talk to your spouse about what is fun for them and for you and mix up the date nights. Maybe that means going bowling, taking a couple’s paint class, ax throwing, a bike ride, cooking together, watching a movie at home, or stargazing.
Date nights don’t have to be expensive either. Oh, yeah… don’t talk about the kids (if you have them). This date night is for the two of you, your friendship, and your marriage.
Show your spouse they are your priority.
When your spouse was your boyfriend or girlfriend, you probably ditched hanging out with friends to be with them. You skipped out on shopping or playing golf just to spend more time with them. This should carry right over into your marriage.
I have a friend who is a high school teacher. When he asks his students who has a boyfriend or girlfriend, he always raises his hand, too. He has been happily married for over 15 years, but he knows he can never lose the interest he had in his wife when she was his girlfriend. Don’t lose that interest!
Make time to talk and listen.
Friends talk about everything. They are people we can confide in and share our emotions and desires with. Your spouse should be the best friend you have. Carve out time in your day to have deep conversations and check in on each other.
Make it a point to ask, “How was your day?” then sit and listen. Don’t listen to fix something or add commentary but listen to genuinely understand how their day was. If they ask for your input, then offer it, but don’t expect to always say what is on your mind. This works both ways.
You can be a better friend to your spouse. The two of you can continue to rekindle your close friendship. Protect your friendship and protect your marriage.
Take your spouse by the hand, tell them you love them, and you want to be their best friend.
Related:
4 Ways to Be More Present With Your Spouse
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
How To Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
4 Ways to Feel More Connected to Your Spouse
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Is Grit the Secret Ingredient to Successful Relationships?
How gritty are you?
Is your marriage gritty?
Do you teach your kids to be gritty?
In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Harvard-trained psychologist and researcher Angela Duckworth examines what it takes to stick things out and accomplish long-term goals.
Grit has everything to do with how we do family relationships.
Don’t mistake grit with talent (which Duckworth describes as the rate at which a person improves a skill). Grit isn’t how intensely you want something. Instead, grit is an attitude. It is a relentless, determined work ethic—despite setbacks, defeats, and hard days.
It’s a “never-give-up” attitude.
Who do you know that is truly gritty? Grit is what drove Thomas Edison to succeed as an inventor. As a boy, teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” Edison was fired from his first two jobs for being “unproductive.” He reportedly experienced 1,000 failed attempts before successfully inventing the lightbulb. (Edison reported that, rather than failing 1,000 times, the lightbulb was an invention with 1,000 steps. Now that’s grit.)
Great things are achievable in ordinary people through gritty determination.
Duckworth quotes sociologist Dan Chambliss, “…the main thing is greatness is doable. Greatness is many, many individual feats, and each of them is doable.“
Grit is more than just a trait for inventors, athletes, or business leaders; grit is a significant family value.
Duckworth’s research points to a high correlation between grit and marital longevity. People with a gritty determination have a can-do attitude toward building a healthy, strong marriage—despite struggles, conflict, and tension. Gritty couples say, “No matter what we have to do, we’re going to make this work. We’re committed to this marriage.” [Note: There are some situations in marriage that are unhealthy and unsafe. “Grit” is NOT enduring a dangerous relationship. See the note at the bottom of the article.]
For parents, the nagging question is, how do you teach grit to your children? Duckworth offers some great answers.
First, grit is best taught with a balanced parenting style. In other words, parents who connect through affection and encouragement, while also creating structure and appropriate expectations, have a parenting style that fosters grit.
It’s a balance between love and support with accountability and parental toughness.
Second, gritty kids want to take after gritty parents. Duckworth explains that “if you want to bring forth grit in your child, first ask how much passion and perseverance you have for your own life goals.”
Third, Duckworth suggests that extracurricular activities are especially beneficial in developing grit in kids. An organized activity requiring a child to overcome challenges or criticism from peers, coaches, or teachers fosters grit. Bad days, lack of energy or motivation can help teach kids to push through and be gritty.
Let’s get practical. Do hard things.
Duckworth shares a very practical strategy for developing grit in her teenage children called the “Hard Thing Rule.” There are three parts:
- Everyone in the family, including the parents, has to do a Hard Thing. A “Hard Thing” is anything that requires deliberate practice. For a parent, in addition to the skills they use at work, it might be yoga, running, or completing a degree. For kids, it might be ballet, piano, or soccer.
- You can quit your Hard Thing. But there’s a catch. You can’t quit until “your season is over, the tuition payment is up, or some other ‘natural’ stopping point has arrived.” In other words, you can’t quit on the day your coach yells at you, or you have to miss a party because you have practice.
- You get to pick your Hard Thing.
As a family and relationship educator, it makes me wonder: If grit was a more common character quality, would we see more successful marriages, healthier parenting styles, and overall relationship satisfaction?
Perhaps it starts with you.
Maybe it means you are more intentional about pressing through your small, doable feats even when you’re not motivated. Maybe you model more grit for your family and lead by example. Perhaps this week, you and your family can pick your Hard Thing to practice.
Don’t be afraid to get your hands gritty.
I’m convinced—and I hope you are, too—grit is a good thing and something we all can use in our family.
Related:
10 Things Healthy, Happy Families Do
How To Encourage A Growth Mindset In Kids
The Blessing Of The Skinned Knee
Got some gritty thoughts on grit? Share them in the comments below!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Should You Tell Your Friends and Family about Your Marital Problems?
Have you ever walked over a frozen pond and realized just how thin the ice was? I have. You quickly understand that you need to step… very… carefully.
It’s the same when considering telling your friends and family about your marital problems. One wrong step can mean an icy plunge. It’s slippery, and it’s dangerous.
So should you or shouldn’t you? I wish I could tell you a definite “yes” or “no,” but it’s a complicated question. It depends on several things.
Before you unload your marital issues on someone, you need to ask yourself some essential questions:
1. What is your ultimate goal?
There are good reasons and not so good reasons to disclose the problems happening in your marriage to someone. Are you…
Seeking someone to tell you how you’re contributing to the problem?
Looking for advice from an older, wiser married person who’s been through it?
Looking for someone to point you toward a good marriage counselor?
These can be good reasons. Make sure you are talking to someone you can trust.
Are you…
Just needing to vent and blow off steam?
Looking for someone to agree that you are right and your spouse is wrong?
Looking for permission to keep doing what you’ve been doing in your marriage?
These usually aren’t great reasons. It can be counterproductive and hurt your spouse.
2. Who do you want to tell, and why?
Good listeners know there are three sides to a story: your side, your spouse’s side, and what’s really going on. You don’t need a cheerleader. You need someone willing to listen carefully and be willing to call you out for the part you play.
On the other side of the coin, talking to someone who is naturally going to take your side, like your mother or best friend, isn’t going to help your situation. You’re just making enemies for your spouse. Think about that.
Even worse, let’s say you just want to vent your dirty marriage laundry, and you choose, say, your mother. When the rant is over, you might feel better and move on. But guess who isn’t moving on? That’s right: Mom. This is going to make the next family gathering very awkward.
Consider talking to someone distant enough to be neutral and objective—and who will call you out when necessary and remind you of your core values and goals.
3. What are the possible outcomes that could come from telling someone?
Sure, you might feel better if you vent. But at what price? Will your friend or family member see your spouse in a positive or negative light?
If you tell someone, will the news about your marital problems spread among the family or the friend circle? Could your spouse end up feeling hurt from this? Would you say the same things about your marriage or your spouse if they were standing with you?
4. Are you having a conversation with someone that you should have with your spouse?
Often, we have conversations with other people that we haven’t even had with our spouse. If you haven’t engaged with your spouse to work toward solutions and growth, it’s unfair to do your marriage work with someone else. Do your relationship work with your spouse.
Related: How To Tell If Someone Is Trustworthy
It’s one thing to seek out encouragement and accountability. We need people in our lives who help us recalibrate and refocus. It’s definitely wise to learn from marriage veterans. Be discerning about what you share about your marriage and with whom.
Complaining to people about your spouse or running them down is always out of line.
I know you want to do what’s healthy for your marriage. You want to work through the problems. Give yourself 48 hours to gain a sense of calm and honestly answer the above questions for yourself before you make a decision to tell friends or family about your marital problems. Walk across the thin ice toward your spouse. Honor them with your words no matter who you are talking to. Rule of Thumb: If it’s not constructive, it’s probably destructive.
Related:
How to Find Good Relationship Advice
STAYING TOGETHER: Resist The Urge To Trash Husbands
☆ Have questions about this article? Post them in the comment section below!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How To Establish Trust In Marriage From The Start
What’s the difference between a loving, warm marriage and one full of friction and conflict? Trust. There are probably many items on your checklist for having a strong marriage. If there’s one that ought to be at the top of the list, it’s trust.
How do you establish trust in marriage from the start?
1. Trust is built over time.
Trust is built through moments that confirm for your spouse that you are who they think you are. How you respond when someone speaks negatively about your relationship or how you care for each other during a difficult time will either confirm or cause questions about who you are. Don’t be disappointed when you find areas where trust needs to grow, especially early in your marriage. Opportunities will come that will strengthen your trust or give the two of you something to work through.
2. History matters.
Do you trust in your marriage easily? Is it difficult for you to trust? Have things happened in your past that make trusting someone hard? How have your past experiences affected your ability to trust? You want your spouse to have a fair opportunity to be trusted and not be the victim of your past experiences with other people. However, it’s important to be aware that your past is not to be forgotten but to be used as a learning experience. Talking through your ability to trust helps you develop clear expectations. Your past shouldn’t control your ability to trust. Rather, it provides understanding to help build trust.
3. Believe your spouse’s actions.
There’s a saying, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” When dating, it’s easy to create a mental image of what you think your spouse will be like once you’re married. This can cause you to ignore the behaviors that give a more accurate picture of each other. Many people have trusted others in spite of all the evidence showing that they are not trustworthy. And other times, you may have withheld trust from people despite the person being extraordinarily trustworthy.
4. Be open and honest about everything.
This includes the big stuff: family, money, in-laws, parenting, the future, and sex. Avoid the temptation to keep secrets and withhold information. Setting aside time to talk honestly about finances or your expectations of the in-laws, for example, is important.
★ As quick as transparency can build trust in marriage, secrecy can betray it.
5. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Be willing to hold each other accountable for your words and actions. You can’t build trust by telling your partner what they want to hear. If you say you’ll be home from work at six, then follow through. Trust is built when your spouse has confidence that the words you say are true.
Related: How To Tell If Someone Is Trustworthy
6. Admit mistakes.
Don’t let pride get in the way. Trust will not stand if built on the premise of perfection. It’s built on the promise that the two of you have the relationship’s best interest at heart. Admitting your mistakes sends the message that the relationship is more important than you being right.
7. Consider the effects decisions will have on your marriage.
Nearly everything you do will affect both you and your spouse. (There is no I in Us.) Talking through decisions together helps you understand the potential effects. Before making personal commitments, get in the habit of talking to your spouse.
★ Ask the question, “How will this affect you and affect us?”
Establishing a solid foundation of trust in marriage can provide the groundwork to building trust that’s as strong as a 100-year-old oak tree with deep roots. Some foundations aren’t solid. It’s good to know early that a person can’t be trusted. It’s not wise to trust someone to be honest if they continue to build a record of dishonesty. Trust will grow if you’re consistent in your words and actions.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
You see things differently than you used to. You’re living a healthier lifestyle. You go out less. You interact differently with people. You’re investing more time into hobbies.
You love the way you feel—happier, healthier, and less stressed—except in your marriage. Your spouse seems agitated with you which just doesn’t make any sense.
Shouldn’t they be glad you’re improving and becoming a better person?
Your spouse may not see it that way, especially at first. Here’s why!
Feelings of insecurity.
Change often feels threatening. They might feel like you’re moving away from them with all the changes. It might be time to sit down and talk with your spouse about your “why” behind all the changes.
Feeling judged.
If your spouse feels judged by your attitude toward them, it might be time to ask yourself, “Am I actually becoming a better version of myself?”
Feeling Manipulated.
If there’s the slightest feeling you’re trying to change your spouse, you can expect there will be tension.
Related: My Spouse Has Changed.
★ As you grow and continue to better yourself, it will affect your marriage and your family. Naturally, your spouse may see it from a different perspective.
How can you work through it?
Never stop talking to one another.
Regularly talking to your spouse about what’s important to you gives them the chance to support you even if they aren’t “joining” you.
Understand their concerns.
Resist the temptation to get defensive. Put effort into listening to their concerns. Believe the best about your spouse.
Don’t try to change your spouse.
There are strengths in your differences. Their path to becoming the best version of themselves will look different.
People respond to change differently. Through one’s eyes, it’s great and through another set of eyes, it’s potentially destructive. The uncertainty leads to unrest.
The ultimate test is: Does your change have a positive impact on your marriage?
Patience, empathy, and understanding must be the foundations of your communication with each other to help change be seen as growth to better yourselves and your marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
