How to Keep Your Marriage Strong Over Summer Break
School’s out, and my kids are excited about a fun-filled summer. Mom and Dad… not as much. Don’t get me wrong; I love summertime. But summer schedules can be hectic when you’re juggling different camps, vacations, and activities. Sure, the school year is crazy busy, but at least it’s consistent. Summer schedules are a little more challenging. Are any other parents feeling the crunch?
Summertime can add more stress to your marriage as well. Focusing on our relationship can get lost in the frenzy if we aren’t careful. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can keep your marriage strong over the summer, too.
Here are a few ways to get you started:
Date each other.
A regular date night is crucial to the health of your relationship. It can be so easy to fall into a routine in your relationship, especially when kids are in the picture. This is where date night comes in. Dating your mate takes a little more coordination if you have young children. If you don’t currently have a regular date night, now’s the time to start. Create a shared calendar on your phone (if you don’t already use one) and schedule one date night this month. Then flip to next month and plan another one. Keep it going. I mean it! Stop reading right now, and get those summer date nights on the calendar. I’ll wait…
Okay, now that you have dates scheduled… they are scheduled, right? Here are a few more ways to keep your marriage strong.
Make time for intimacy.
Before you put the calendars away, go ahead and schedule some time to get intimate. Wait a minute! Isn’t sex supposed to be spontaneous? Sure, but if you have little kids, you know the reality. Spontaneity is hard to come by. If you’re not intentional, it’s easy to let your sex life fall into the background. But your marriage needs sexual and physical intimacy. And what gets put on the calendar often gets done, am I right? So, decide how often and when and schedule it. Just to clarify, this is a conversation for the two of you. And don’t worry, just ’cause it’s scheduled doesn’t make it boring. [Read 3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage.]
Share a hobby or activity.
Identify at least one common hobby or activity and make time to do that together. You may need to break out the calendar and schedule it depending on the activity. But there may be hobbies you can do at home while the kids play. This doesn’t have to be a family activity, but it can be if you both agree that you’ll enjoy it just as much.
Daily check-ins.
As you’re going in different directions, getting the kids places, and working, it can be easy to spend less time talking as a couple. Carve out some time each day to check in with each other. Maybe it’s over coffee in the morning. Perhaps it’s 30 minutes outside together at the end of each workday.
When you check in on each other, give your spouse space to vent. If one of you is working from home while the kids are out of school, you may need an avenue to let go of stress. Give each other space to share what’s going on.
Show appreciation daily.
Nothing says love like appreciation, so don’t forget to show your appreciation to the one you share a life and home with. Here are some easy ways to show how much you appreciate your spouse:
- Send a text telling them how much they mean to you. (Bonus points if you’re specific about why you appreciate them.)
- Leave Post-it notes for them. If they leave for work, leave them in their bag or lunch. If your spouse stays home, hide notes somewhere they will find them throughout the day.
- Say it out loud and often. And say it in front of others, especially your kids.
- Give them a break (or at least a few hours) to do whatever they enjoy most.
Invest in your marriage.
Take an online course together. There are loads of resources to help strengthen your marriage during the summer or any other season. You can focus on intimacy, communication, parenting, or other topics. Investing in your marriage now strengthens it for the future.
Speak your spouse’s love language.
If the two of you have never taken Gary Chapman’s Love Languages assessment, now is the time. We all have a primary love language, and when someone speaks it to us, we feel loved and appreciated. We also usually express love using our primary language, so learning your spouse’s love language is crucial to helping them feel loved.
Hold hands.
An easy way to keep your marriage strong is to simply hold hands. Holding hands releases endorphins, a mood-boosting chemical. It also releases oxytocin, making you feel more bonded to your spouse. And it’s a stress reliever, too.
Make this summer a great one for your marriage. Not because of a big trip, but because you both chose to be intentional and turn toward each other.
Other blogs:
The Importance of MeaningLESS Conversations – First Things First
How to Talk About Sex in Marriage – First Things First
8 Ways To Care for Your Spouse’s Mental Health – First Things First
Sources:
Brain-to-brain coupling during handholding is associated with pain reduction
Walsh, C. M., Neff, L. A., & Gleason, M. (2017). The role of emotional capital during the early years of marriage: Why everyday moments matter. Journal of family psychology: Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 31(4), 513–519. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000277
Goldstein, P., Weissman-Fogel, I., Dumas, G., & Shamay-Tsoory, S. G. (2018). Brain-to-brain coupling during handholding is associated with pain reduction. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 115 (11), E2528-E2537. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1703643115
10 Tips for Surviving Summer Break
The end of the school year is right around the corner. This time of year is filled with field trips, field days, school programs, and parties. Then, it all comes to a close, and another school year is behind us. Bring on the summer!
It’s time for camps, vacations, and activities. Kids love summer. On the other hand, parents may not always be the biggest fan. Schedules change, and routines shift. Summertime often involves a lot of calendar juggling and planning.
Summertime doesn’t have to stress you out, though.
Here are some tips for summer survival:
Put a calendar in your kitchen or living room that everyone can see and keep up with.
If your summer looks like ours, there are lots of camps and activities to keep track of. The best way to make sure you’re all on the same page is to post a highly visible calendar. Get creative with colors for each family member. Just remember to make it simple enough that it doesn’t get overwhelming.
Schedule a weekly family meeting.
Summer schedules can change from week to week. A great practice is to schedule a weekly family meeting to discuss what’s coming up. Sunday evening could be an ideal time. Include the whole family and get input from the kids.
Adjust your school year routines, but don’t throw them out.
Kids need structure. Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you should throw all the routines out the window. If you’re like us, you still have a work schedule for the summer. Bedtimes may look different, and morning routines may shift, but structure brings security for your kids. We push bedtime back during the summer, and the kids usually wake up a little later. Just remember that you’ll have to adjust back to school year routines in a couple of months.
Schedule downtime for you as a family.
It’s tempting to stuff the calendar with camps and activities to keep the kids preoccupied. Make sure to schedule downtime and game nights for the family. Leave some time for the kids to be kids and entertain themselves.
Give your kids space.
Some kids need time to recharge (some parents, too). Set aside time for individual play or rest.
Be flexible.
Schedules are great, but also be flexible and spontaneous. Life happens, and plans change. That’s ok.
Make a chore list.
Kids are home more over the summer and have more free time. Make a list of all the chores around the house and assign everyone tasks. Get creative and post the list on the fridge or near the family calendar. You can even schedule out when chores need to be done. No matter your child’s age, there are age-appropriate chores for them.
Clarify expectations regarding technology.
Set ground rules in your house for screen use during the summer. We put timers on our kids’ tablets and gaming systems. There is a daily cutoff for technology. Also, consider requiring chores to be done before they can use the tech.
Schedule a date night with your significant other.
While working on that calendar, schedule a date night for you and your love. Intentionally make time for the two of you.
Ditch the pressure.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to make this the best summer ever. Your kids don’t need lots of activities and trips. They need you! It amazes me what my kids classify as the best days. It’s often just time spent together.
Make this summer a summer they’ll never forget – not because of trips or adventures, but because you enjoyed it as a family. Summers get more hectic as your kids get older. Take advantage of time with them when they’re young and make the most of it with these summer survival tips. Have a great summer!
Sources:
Arlinghaus KR, Johnston CA. The Importance of Creating Habits and Routine. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. 2019;13(2):142-144. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F1559827618818044
Malatras, J et al. First things first: Family activities and routines, time management and attention. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology. 2016; 47: 23-29. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2016.09.006.
Managing Expectations for Mother’s Day
Have you ever asked your spouse what they plan on doing for you on Mother’s Day? Raise your hand if they’ve replied:
Shoot… Is that THIS weekend?
or
Whatever you want to do, Babe.
or
Umm… nothing. You’re not my mom.
All wrong answers. That sinking feeling of being unappreciated, taken for granted and forgotten drowns out any last-minute plans they may try to scramble together. The damage has been done.
Your expectations to be thought of and celebrated have been shattered to dust. And if this isn’t the first, second, or third offense, you may even feel numb to it now. Disappointment is inevitable. No point in getting your hopes up, right?
You’ve probably figured out by now that motherhood is a thankless job. It’s not just what you do – it becomes who you are. It’s like breathing… and it’s natural, instinctual, automatic. But it’s also grueling, emotional and exhausting. So having your family acknowledge all that hard work AND celebrate it one day out of the entire year is not asking for too much.
But what trips up most couples is actually that – the ASKING part. “What are you going to do for me?” is a loaded question if you already have unspoken expectations of what you want.
But shouldn’t my spouse care enough to look at a calendar and plan ahead? Shouldn’t they know me well enough to know what I’d want to do/how I’d like to be celebrated? Shouldn’t they realize that even though I’m not THEIR mother, I’m a mother, and that’s what this holiday is all about?!
First, that’s a lot of shoulding… So let’s break down some expectation barriers together so we can all win on Mother’s Day.
Barrier #1: You expect your spouse to think and act like you.
It’s easy to believe that everyone (including your spouse) sees the world the way you do. This sets you up for some pretty unrealistic expectations and
disappointment. You want your spouse to magically know and do exactly what you would do (and probably are doing for your own mother). Maybe you expect them to…
- Speak the same love language as you. For example: Your spouse may think a signed card shows they care, while you long for a handwritten, thoughtful love letter. Or they may think flowers are the universal language of love, but you find them impractical and a waste of money. Or they may tell you to take the “day-off” and go get a massage or do your nails or whatever you want… but your love language is Quality Time, and you want to celebrate with your family (without any of the normal responsibilities of motherhood…)
- Have the same skills as you. For example: Your spouse is a spontaneous, in-the-moment kind of person. They don’t enjoy planning. So they wait ‘til the last minute to figure out what to do. But this seems lazy or unthoughtful to you (a planner) when really, it’s their natural temperament. Or they are very logical, and thinking of creative ways to show love is like speaking a foreign language to them. So they get you a super practical gift like new towels or a car charger when you want something meaningful.
Break down the barrier by realizing that your spouse is a unique individual.
They are not YOU. And that’s a good thing! Our differences make us stronger. Talk about your differences. You most likely are speaking different love languages, so discover what each other’s love language is and try to speak it fluently and frequently. If you already know each other’s love languages, a simple reminder can go a long way!
Barrier #2: You expect your spouse to read your mind.
Whether you’ve been together for 3 years or 30… your spouse cannot read your mind. We joke about this – but when was the last time you’ve thought or said, “You should know what I like! I’ve only told you 1 million times!”? Been there, said that way too often.
The real issue here is that you long to feel seen, understood, and known deeply. This requires intentionally working on your emotional intimacy, which is an ongoing process of growing in your understanding of each other’s feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, motivations, etc. You know what you want and need. But it changes over time and throughout different seasons of life.
Break down the barrier by telling your spouse exactly what you’d like for Mother’s Day and why it’s so important to you.
Sharing what would make you feel the most acknowledged, valued and celebrated doesn’t diminish your spouse’s effort; it encourages it. The more you tell your spouse how you feel loved the most and why, the more your spouse has the chance to love you in that way… and the deeper your emotional intimacy will grow.1 This doesn’t mean you have to plan the whole day. You just have to clearly communicate what you want or need. Leave the little details up to your spouse!
Barrier #3: You expect your spouse to be perfect.
No matter how hard your spouse tries, they’ll never be perfect. Expecting perfection sets unrealistic standards that will make them believe they aren’t good enough. It’ll push them away, and you’ll end up experiencing the opposite of what you wanted to feel.
Break down the barrier by realizing that your expectations may be unrealistic.
Take a moment. See if maybe you’re setting the bar too high so that it feels out of reach to your spouse. Have you criticized their efforts in the past? If you have, there’s a good chance they don’t want to fail again (and maybe they think they can’t fail if they don’t even try…). Think about what your spouse is good at and enjoys doing – that still fills your love tank. Telling them exactly how you’d feel loved and appreciated will set them up for success and set your expectations at a realistic level.
So this year, instead of asking what your spouse will do, try telling them what you’d like to do first.
Take the pressure off of them to decode your side-eye sighs and do your spouse a favor:
- Spell it out.
- Be clear and specific before any resentment starts to build. If you’re a planner, talk about it a couple of weeks in advance.
- If you like surprises, give your spouse a few options for things you’d like to do and let them choose!
You DESERVE to be celebrated, Mama. Mother’s Day is a great opportunity for your husband and family to do that. So be honest and open about what would make you feel appreciated and loved.
Source
1McNulty, J.K., et al. (2004). Positive Expectations in the Early Years of Marriage: Should Couples Expect the Best or Brace for the Worst?
Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Loved on Mother’s Day
It’s May, and you know what that means… Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day is a wonderful time to celebrate the women who have been influential in our lives. My mom, grandmothers, and mother-in-law have been significant in shaping me into the person I am.
But, this day is about all the moms in my life. And my wife is the most significant mom (don’t worry, my mom knows it’s true). She’s the one I chose to do life with. She’s the one who made me a dad. So, celebrate your mom, grandmothers, and mother-in-law, but also celebrate your wife. And I don’t mean just helping the kids make her feel special. Guys, you should make her feel all the love as well.
Here are some ideas to help you make sure that your wife feels all the love this Mother’s Day:
- Make a video asking your kids what Mom means to them. Here are some questions to kick you off. What does Mom say the most? What is Mom’s favorite thing to do? Of all the things you love about Mom, what do you love the most?
- Have the kids create a song about Mom and perform it for her on Mother’s Day.
- Help the kids make her breakfast or lunch. It doesn’t have to be extravagant… just from the heart. Let the kids lead out and choose what they want to make.
- Let her sleep in on Mother’s Day. This is a big win in my house. We all know moms need rest.
- In-Home Spa Day, anyone? My 6-year-old likes to paint nails and give foot rubs. You can all pamper Mom as a family.
- Homemade cards are always a win. Encourage the kids to make cards that represent their personalities.
- Does Mom love to travel? Spring is an excellent time for a day trip. What’s within driving distance in your area that she would love to visit?
- Is Mom crafty? What is her favorite craft? Whether she likes to paint, knit, or anything else, get some supplies together and create as a family.
- Does Mom love movies? Watch her favorite movie as a family. Create a movie theater experience for her, complete with popcorn and her favorite snacks.
Here are a few more ideas specifically for you fellas:
- Plan a date night or weekend getaway for just the two of you. Work out the details yourself.
- Be intentional about speaking her love language on Mother’s Day.
- Give her a massage. I don’t just mean a shoulder rub. Break out the massage oil and pamper her.
- Clean the house. Moms often feel the pressure to have a clean house. Take care of this for her.
Most importantly, let’s show Mom that she is loved and appreciated.
Research shows four factors had more effects on helping moms feel supported in well-being and parenting:
- Feeling loved unconditionally.
- Feeling comforted in distress.
- Authenticity in relationships.
- Satisfaction with friendships.
I’ve learned over the years (from both my mom and my wife) that celebrating Mom is less about the cost and more about the thought and heart that’s put into the gift. That’s what matters most.
Don’t let anything stop you. Make this the best Mother’s Day ever!
Sources:
Who mothers mommy? Factors that contribute to mothers’ well-being. Dev Psychol. 2015 December ; 51(12): 1812–1823.
Other blogs:
How to Celebrate Mother’s Day With a Difficult Mom – First Things First
Mom, Here Are 5 Reasons Why You Should Be Celebrated – First Things First
How to Stop the Cycle of Parental Burnout
I have a confession to make: I’ve been stressed and exhausted many times. I’ve felt burned out and ready to quit, but not from work obligations – from being a parent.
Parenting is tough. It’s demanding. Before our son was born 10 years ago, I recall people telling me everything would change. I don’t remember anyone telling me I’d be taking 2AM walks to stay sane. No one told me there would be days I’d question whether I could continue. The list of things I wish I’d known then is long.
Parental burnout is a real thing, but don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything. Researchers Hubert and Aujoulat found that “parental burnout results from situations where exhaustion occurs as a result of being physically and emotionally overwhelmed by one’s parental role.”
If you’ve been a parent for at least a couple of hours, you know that parenting stress is real. But when it consumes you, burnout sets in. There’s hope, though. You can stop the cycle of parental burnout.
The stress isn’t going anywhere, but there are some healthy ways to lessen the pressure.
Surround yourself with a community.
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
I never quite understood that until we had our first child. But it’s true. Raising a child isn’t easy. Mine didn’t come with a how-to guide.
Surround yourself with people who want what’s best for you. Think about grandparents, other parents, or friends who care about your well-being. You need people in your life to help care for your child when you need it and to help you care for yourself. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak or less than. Any person who has raised a child knows the stress involved.
Today’s action:
Text one person and invite them over. Ask them to hold you accountable for taking time for yourself.
Take care of yourself.
When you’re responsible for a little one, it’s easy to put all your energy into making sure you meet their needs. When they get all your energy, there’s nothing left for you.
Have you ever been on a plane and heard the safety speech? If the airbags are deployed, put yours on before you try to put on someone else’s. That sounds counterintuitive to parenting, but it’s so true. If you don’t care for yourself, you won’t have anything to give. Being a parent is the best reason I’ve ever had to take good care of myself.
Exercise, eat healthy foods, get rest (when you can), or meditate. Will it be easy? No. Is it important? Extremely!
Today’s action:
Put down your phone. Go get a glass of water, and take deep breaths as you drink. Make it your goal to do that three times today.
Give yourself grace.
You won’t be a perfect parent, and that’s ok! We all mess up. I don’t think I could list all the mistakes I’ve made. As my kids have gotten a little older, I ask them for lots of grace, too. I apologize when I make a mistake.
Don’t fall into the social media comparison game, either. You may see someone who looks like the perfect parent – but remember, social media usually shows the best moments. You may not see all the tears it took to get that perfect photo.
Today’s action:
Allow yourself to make mistakes. Tell yourself, “My child doesn’t need a perfect parent – they need a present parent.”
Take a break when you need it.
If your child is in childcare or school, take a day off every once in a while to be alone. Enjoy doing what you like to do. Maybe that’s getting outdoors, taking a long bath or chilling with a movie. And don’t feel guilty about it. You have permission to take time for yourself.
Today’s action:
Schedule an hour this week to take a break. Right now, ask your support system to help you make this happen.
Set boundaries.
Boundaries help to protect your time and your relationships. You may have to say no to some good things. As my children have become more independent, I’ve found that I can say yes to more things I want to do.
Prioritize your well-being and relationships when opportunities come your way.
Today’s action:
Ask, “What have I said yes to that I don’t have margin for?” Then do your best to take that off your list.
Parenting isn’t easy, but you can do it. If you already feel burned out and have nothing left to give, reach out to a professional, coach or counselor. You don’t have to walk this road alone.
Other blogs:
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent – First Things First
Can Self-Care Become Selfish? – First Things First
5 Signs You Need Some Alone Time
Sources:
Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 1021.
Beating burnout. Harvard Business Review, 98-101.
Does My Teen Need Screen Time Limits?
Short Answer: Yes, your teen needs screen time limits, but it’s not quite that simple. What screen time limits look like depends on your teen and your relationship with them. The limits you set have much less to do with the screens and much more with the teens.
★ Eyes On The Prize: You’re raising a future adult. You’re working yourself out of a job.
Long Answer: I was waiting for the “On-Air” light on the set of a local talk show. My segment was about technology and families, particularly teens, smartphones, and social media. I was excited because:
I’m passionate about how technology affects families and relationships, so I’ve been following the research for some time.
And I’m parenting a teen, and I talk to other parents about these issues. I’m in this with you. I know it’s hard.
My mind was on my messaging as I waited for that light to come on. What do I tell parents about screens and teens? Easy.
Emphasize parenting principles.
1. There’s no substitute (app, program, setting, filter) for a strong, healthy relationship between a parent and their teen.
2. Talking to teens about screen time and technology is an ongoing thing. It requires talking about many other unrelated things. Things THEY want to talk about when THEY are open to talk. ★ If parents don’t put in genuine relationship work, teens won’t hear their parents talk about screen time (or just about anything else).
3. Stay informed about the technology your teen uses, but, more importantly, stay informed about your teen. Notice their moods, changes in their behavior, and how they spend their time. Is your teen generally responsible and trustworthy? Developing appropriate life skills? Well-rounded and balanced? Have things like pornography, sexting, and cyberbullying already been a part of their screen use?
4. Leading by example is essential when it comes to screen time and technology.
What is your relationship with technology? Are you modeling the behaviors you’d like to see from your teen?
On-Air!
And to my frustration, the host only wanted to talk about kids being abducted because of what they posted online. Wow.Oh.Okay.Um.Yeah. We can talk about all that, I guess. This is the kind of stuff parents are up against when talking to their teens about screens.
What makes it HARDER to talk about screens with teens?
- The media feeds parents a steady stream of sensationalized, scary stories.
- The research in this area, frankly, is all over the place. (To be fair, we’re talking about relatively new and constantly-evolving technology.) This can confuse and frustrate well-intentioned parents. Examples?
I could link to studies to “prove” all of the following:
- Screens keep teens from socializing. No, they help teens socialize.
- Screens hinder cognitive development. No, they help cognitive development.
- Screens hurt teens’ mental health. No, hurting teens gravitate to screens. Or, screens can help heal teens’ mental health. (I think all three can be true.)
- Screens make it harder to keep teens safe. No, they make it easier to keep teens safe.
- Screens interrupt teens’ sleep patterns. No, they can help repair those patterns.
Teens quickly point out any hypocrisy between their parent’s message and their parent’s example. And teens are often more tech-savvy than their parents.
These screens on smartphones, tablets, and laptops are already ingrained in your average teen’s life. In positive, practical ways:
- Online learning.
- Homework and projects.
- Virtual college visits.
- Work and sports scheduling.
- Connecting with family & extended family.
- Shopping for stuff they need.
- Outlets for creativity & developing new skills & hobbies.
- Not getting lost driving.
- Calling for help if they need it.
- Simply texting that practice has been canceled is a huge help.
A screen is a tool. How is your teen using it? True, it’s a powerful tool, but screens aren’t good or bad. And they are here to stay.
So, let’s get practical.
Here are some adaptable ideas about screen time limits that may (or may not) help your teen.
⇨ I don’t usually make a point about this, but the links in this blog take you to the info you want and need. Click ’em for some deeper practical information for screens and your unique teen!
- Screens can isolate. Screen use only in “common areas” of the house. No screens in their bedroom. Or no screens in their bedroom at night.
- Screens can distract. (Part 1) Screens get put to “bed” in the kitchen or the parent’s bedroom to charge overnight, so teens can read, think, and even be “bored” before they fall asleep. Teens can use old-fashioned alarm clocks. ☆ Are You Up For It?
Set the example. Everybody’s phone charges overnight outside the bedroom. You might unwind and fall asleep better, too!
- Screens can distract. (Part 2) “Notifications” are a phone’s way of saying, “Notice me now!” But notifications can be turned off completely, muted, put in “Do Not Disturb” mode or “Driving Mode.” Help your teen learn to check their phone when they need to, not when their phone wants them to. Here’s notification help.
- Screens can demand. Most smartphones come with Screen Use Monitoring weekly reports. These reports show time spent on social media, entertainment, productivity, etc. ☆ Are You Up For It? Offer to compare your report with your teen’s. Make a game out of it. You can both set goals for next week!
Talking To Your Teen About Screens… And Other Things.
- It can be challenging to get your teen to talk about anything. Here’s help. And here.
- In general, you’re working toward a conversation with your teen, not a confrontation.
- Try to have a genuine dialogue. Listen to your teen’s ideas and input. It’s not a weakness to collaborate, negotiate, and have some give and take. Agree to boundaries that leave room for your teen to prove they’re responsible and trustworthy. Being clear about consequences for choices outside those boundaries is essential.
- Screens can tempt even the BEST teen into making BAD decisions – it happens. Try responding instead of reacting. Pornography. Sexting. Cyberbullying. Posting things that come back to haunt them when they apply for a job or college.
- Try to interact with your teen and their screens. The fancy term is “joint media engagement.” Watch ’em play some video games. Ask them to show you the funny Tik Toks. Ask about posts that confused/frustrated/angered them today? This can start great conversations.
- Ask your teen how social media makes them feel about themselves and their life. Then listen and listen. When it comes to social media, encourage your teen to create, not just consume.
★ Eyes On The Prize: You’re raising a future adult, and screens are gonna be part of their life.
One day, you won’t be there to limit their screen time, but you can prepare them now.
Today, more than anything, your teen needs you.
FYI: I shared an interview experience that disappointed me. Check out this “On-Air” experience that went well!
Other blogs:
How to Create Social Media Rules in Your Marriage – First Things First
When (and How) Should I Give My Child A Cell Phone? – First Things First
How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent – First Things First
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
Your Ultimate Guide to Screen Time
Have you paused lately to look around at our technological world? From smart home devices to self-driving cars, it’s a lot to take in. And then, we have to guide our children on how to engage with all this – and talk about screen time. It’s overwhelming to hear all the different voices, from professionals to friends, telling us how our kids should use technology. Our kids are growing up in a world where digital identities are just as real as physical ones. And it’s not like there’s a well-laid out manual for helping your child navigate an ever-changing technological world.
You may be wondering, “What in the world do I do here?”
We can ask a different question, though. It’s this: “How can my family use technology without allowing technology to use us?”
As you make your plan, consider your personal situation. Based on American Academy of Pediatrics research, these general guidelines can help you navigate technology use in your home.
Screen time: the good and the bad.
Screen time isn’t wrong in and of itself. It’s all about how you use it. There are many benefits to co-viewing with younger children and using technology to promote learning and conversation.
Too much screen time can be linked to:
- Obesity
- Irregular sleep
- Behavioral problems
- Lower academic performance
- Violence
Benefits of screen time:
- Exposure to new ideas and information
- Connection to family and friends who are geographically distant
- Co-viewing and co-playing with your child can promote healthy development
- Digital tools can promote school readiness or enhance learning
Recommended screen time limits per the American Academy of Pediatrics.
- Birth to 18 months: No screens, except for video chats with family and friends.
- 18 months to 2 years: Limit screen time and view with your child. Introduce high-quality educational programming.
- 2-5 years: Limit screen time to an hour a day (outside of academics) and watch together, if possible.
- 6-12 years: Place consistent limits on screen time as determined by the family. Ensure that screen time doesn’t impact your child’s sleep, exercise, or behavior.
Tips for setting screen time guidelines.
Be conscious of your screen usage.
The first tip is to look in the mirror. Kids learn from what they see. You may need screen time limits as much as they do.
Create a Family Media Use Plan.
Creating a plan as a family is powerful. Of course, you, as the parent, have to determine how much screen time your child has. But there is power in allowing them to craft how that looks and what other activities they can be involved in to ensure they exercise their physical and creative skills.
Utilize screen time limits on devices.
Most devices have parental controls for screen time usage. Use all the tools at your disposal.
Balance screen time with quality personal time.
Children need parental or caretaker engagement to develop emotionally and socially. Ensure that you’re balancing their screen time with your presence.
Avoid screens at mealtime.
Meals are a fantastic way to connect as a family. Focus the time on discussing what everyone’s day was like or asking questions to spur conversation.
Avoid screens in the bedroom.
A child’s bedroom is a great place to play and rest. At a young age, avoid allowing them to take screens into their room as much as possible.
Turn off all screens during family outings.
Screens can be distracting when the family is engaging in activities together. Turn off screens for all family members (parents included).
Unplug from screens at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
Our brains need time to decompress and rest. Spend this time reading together to prepare everyone for a restful night.
What this means for you.
Your child is going to use screens. It’s how they connect with the world. Do your best to help guide how they use screen time in a healthy way. Sure, you may bend or break the rules at times. You may need to give in to more screen time ‘cause you need a break or have to get something done. That’s ok. Your child will continue to develop and grow. What they need more than strict tech rules is an involved parent. Make sure they are getting outdoors and playing and creating. If you haven’t navigated screens well up to this point, that’s ok. There’s no better time to start than the present.
Other blogs:
Seven Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
5 Ways to Build Teamwork in Your Family – First Things First
How to Talk to Your Teen About Sexting – First Things First
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them – First Things First
Sources:
Children and too much screen time – Mayo Clinic Health System
Physical Activity Counters Impact of Kids’ Screen Time
5 ways screen time can benefit children and families – Child Trends
Physical Activity Counters Impact of Kids’ Screen Time
Guidelines on physical activity, sedentary behaviour and sleep
Media and Young Minds | Pediatrics
Media Use in School-Aged Children and Adolescents | Pediatrics
Why You Need Screen Time Limits, Too (Not Just Your Kids!)
Hey, Mom or Dad! If you’re like me, managing screen time for your kids can be a struggle. How much should they have? What impact is that tiny screen having on their development? What about when they’re on screens at school? I get it. The questions about screen time limits can be overwhelming.
There are countless articles addressing screen time for kids.
In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics has several age-specific recommendations in Media and Young Minds. To name a few, they recommend no media for children 2 and younger and only one hour per day for children ages 2 to 5. Well, I’ll be the first parent to raise my hand and admit I dropped the ball there.
Maybe you’re right there with me. If so, don’t feel bad. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about parenting over the past nine years, it’s that we need to give ourselves (and our kids) a lot of grace. We didn’t get a parenting handbook the day they were born, and they didn’t get a child handbook, either. We’re all learning as we go.
Now back to those pesky screens. They’re everywhere, and they’re part of everyday life. So, we need a plan to use them (and not let them use us).
Limiting screen time is very important for your child’s development, but limiting your own is just as important.
Oh no, he didn’t just say that!
Yes. Yes, I did!
You want to be a good parent. You know that the best way your child learns is through example. Your kids learned to walk and eat by watching you do it. Whatever trait they’ve learned, they learned from someone. Technology usage is no different.
And this isn’t just about teaching your kid how to use technology effectively. It’s about you using it effectively and managing your screen time.
Setting downtime from screens has many benefits.
Here are just a few:
- It improves your physical health.
- Frees up time to play.
- Allows you to make better social connections.
- Boosts your mood.
Those benefits are for you, not just your kids.
I know I’m asking a lot. Don’t worry, I’m looking in the mirror challenging myself here, too. I need to set better screen boundaries for myself.
So, where do we start?
Here are a few ways you can help set limits for the entire family.
1. Create tech-free zones in the house.
Talk to your family and create some tech-free areas or times at home. The dinner table is an excellent place to start. Make a rule that while you eat dinner, no phones or TV. But what are you going to do? I’m so glad you asked. Take this time to ask questions. Check in on each other’s days. Grab a list of random questions and work through those.
2. Establish tech-free times.
Maybe you can have a weekly game or movie night. A movie involves a screen, but you can put all other devices on airplane mode or away while the movie is on. Implement those movie theater rules. Set aside times for you and your partner to be tech-free after the kids go to bed. Be intentional about your time together.
3. Turn off notifications.
Turning off my notifications was one of the best things I ever did with my phone. The only notifications I get are messages and the weather. When your notifications are off, you choose when you use the technology. You don’t let the little ding dictate your usage. Researchers have even proven the little notification ding gives us a shot of dopamine.
4. Track screen time.
This one is for everyone. Most phones or devices have screen time or screen health settings. Track the usage for the family. Set sleep times for all devices and limit screen exposure before bed so it doesn’t interfere with sleep quality. Monitor what you use your device for and when.
Modeling healthy technology use for your kids will help them in so many ways. Remember, not all screen time is bad, and there are plenty of creative ways to use technology as a family. Just being intentional about your usage and setting some limits can create positive change now and in the future.
Other helpful blogs:
5 Ways to Build Teamwork in Your Family – First Things First
When (and How) Should I Give My Child A Cell Phone? – First Things First
How to Create Social Media Rules in Your Marriage – First Things First
Sources:
https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-our-addiction-to-pleasure-destroying-us
https://www.verywellfamily.com/cut-kids-screen-time-for-health-621154
https://www.verywellfamily.com/kids-and-technology-when-to-limit-it-and-how-621145
https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/138/5/e20162591/60503/Media-and-Young-Minds
