How to Find a Good Counselor for Your Child
Imagine being an 8-year-old and dealing with all the stuff they are dealing with today. As a parent, you can see something’s just off with your child. Maybe your kid’s teacher, guidance counselor, or some other adult in their life has noticed it. And now you’ve decided to take the brave step of finding a counselor for your child. Because you care so much, not just any counselor or therapist will do: you want to find a good one.
Here are some tips on finding a good counselor.
Don’t be shy to ask your network of people you know.
Ask your child’s pediatrician and talk to the school guidance counselor. Mention it to church youth workers. Definitely ask your friends. You may find out that more people have experience with child counselors than you thought. However, when you ask, be sure to ask what makes their recommended counselor good. I mean, just because they know the counselor doesn’t mean they are a good counselor. Or that he or she is the right one for your child.
Dr. Christina McCroskey says she and other pediatricians often hear from parents about which counselors are effective. Your child’s doctor may also have a better idea of what type of care your child may need.
Figure out all the letters.
MD, Ph.D., LMFT, LCSW, MSW, LPC. You’ve heard the terms psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, family counselors, therapists, etc. It can be overwhelming when you’re starting from scratch. Here’s a good list of different designations for mental health professionals. Like I said, your pediatrician can help you choose what your child needs. That’s a great place to start.
Gather your thoughts and be specific.
Whether someone recommended counseling or you’ve decided to go this route on your own, take some time to write down your concerns about your child and any potential triggers. It’s easy to get nervous on the spot and forget critical details. Writing it down can help you accurately communicate your concerns.
Research.
Ask around about counselors. Get on the internet and read their credentials, articles, or blogs they may have written. Check out their social media accounts. Find out how much experience they have. Learn what their areas of concentration are. You want someone who’s experienced working with children, not just counseling people in general.
Interview Potential Counselors One-On-One.
Good counselors should be used to being vetted to determine if they’re the best fit. You can do this in person or by phone, and maybe even through Zoom. If they are resistant and try to rush you to an appointment, move on to another counselor.
When you talk to them, ask…
- About their experience working with children.
- What methods they have used with children in their practice.
- How the parents are included in the process.
- How they differentiate between medical conditions and behavior issues.
- If they have a particular specialty.
- What they do to stay current in their practice.
Questions to ask yourself afterward:
- How did I feel after talking to them? Did I feel inspired, hopeful, and encouraged? You can speak to some counselors and feel like they are life-giving while others are so heavy and gloomy.
- Did I feel heard and understood? Were they genuinely listening to me or quick to diagnose and tell me what we needed?
- Were they empathetic?
- How would my child receive them? You know your child well. There’s a good chance that if you didn’t feel like they connected well, they might not connect well with your child.
- Is this person truly an advocate for the family?
Listen to your gut.
It’s ok for you to talk to multiple counselors until you find one that just feels right. I wouldn’t introduce the child to the counselor until you’ve chosen one.
Schedule a consultation.
Many counselors will schedule a one-hour consultation with new clients before asking you to commit your hard-earned dollars to their practice. If so, use this opportunity to learn more before you make a choice.
“As adults, it’s important not to assume that our youth can handle emotions. If we as adults struggle (with a fully developed brain), imagine the difficulty our youth are having with a developing brain and body,” says psychiatrist Dr. Cassandra Simms:
By taking your time, practicing patience, and showing due diligence, you are the best person to identify who can best help your child. Demonstrating your strong love by getting your child the help they need will be something that will pay off for years to come.
Other helpful blogs:
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
How to Find a Counselor Who Will Fight for Your Marriage
The hero saves the princess. He rescues her from the evil stepmother, eternal sleep, or whatever danger she faces. With one kiss, they live happily ever after. That was the childhood goal, right? Happily ever after?
What the stories failed to tell us is that happily ever after doesn’t just happen. My wife and I are approaching 17 years of marriage. I’d be lying if I told you it’s all been rainbows and sunshine. Don’t get me wrong; married life is great. Our relationship is stronger today because of the hurdles we’ve overcome.
But a great marriage takes work. It’s two people committed to seeing the best in each other and working daily to make their relationship the best it can possibly be. It means seeking out resources to learn and grow. It means surrounding yourself with people who want to see your marriage succeed.
And sometimes, it means seeking help from a professional. A counselor who will fight for your marriage can do wonders for your relationship. Counseling isn’t just for marriages in distress, either.
But where do you start? How do you find a counselor who will be beneficial to your marriage?
If you’re considering counseling, ask yourself these questions:
- What’s the main thing I think we need help with? Look at what’s going on in your marriage. Identify areas where you could use some help to grow.
- What is your goal? Identify a goal for your marriage. Maybe you need to address some issues. Perhaps you are looking to enhance a specific area of your relationship.
- What do I hope happens as a result of going to counseling?
How to Find a Counselor Who Will Fight for Your Marriage
Michele Weiner-Davis, marriage therapist and director of The Divorce Busting Center, offers this advice for selecting a counselor:
First and foremost, ask friends and family for references.
Find out if people you know and trust have had positive experiences with counseling. Ask who they worked with.
Find a therapist with specific training and experience in marital therapy.
Marital therapy isn’t the same as individual therapy, and it requires different skills. Seek out someone who has the training to help you achieve your goals.
Ensure that the therapist desires to help you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage.
Some counselors may be more concerned about the individual as opposed to the relationship. Ask them when they see divorce as a reasonable alternative. The answer to that question can reveal a lot about their desire to see a relationship succeed.
Make sure you feel comfortable with your therapist.
They should not side with either you or your spouse. Instead, their role is to help you achieve a goal you both set for your relationship. You should both have the freedom to speak up if you feel uncomfortable in any way.
Ask what their relationship values are.
Knowing their values will help gauge their willingness to help your marriage succeed. Successful marriages don’t look the same for every couple. Make sure your therapist is open to helping you explore different avenues to a successful marriage.
Set goals together.
This process involves you, your spouse, and your therapist. The only way to gauge progress is to have set goals.
Most marital problems are solvable.
Find a therapist who wants to help you solve them. Everyone is capable of change. With set, agreed-upon goals, you can both work to achieve what you desire.
Trust your instincts.
You know when someone is helping or willing to help. If you question whether a therapist has your marriage’s best interests at heart, don’t stay with them.
Your marriage is your most important relationship. Invest the time, energy, and money to have the best relationship possible. No two marriages are the same, and someone else’s success isn’t your success. If you feel like counseling will help your relationship, find a counselor who will fight for your marriage to be the best it possibly can.
Other helpful blogs:
- Will Counseling Work For Me?
- Why Should I Consider Counseling?
- Maximize Your Marriage Video Series
- DOWNLOAD: 5 Things Every Happily Married Couple Does Every Day
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What Do You Do When You Know Your Marriage Needs Help?
We had been married for about a year and I was really frustrated. My husband owned his own business and to me, it felt like it was the mistress in our marriage. He worked long hours which meant I spent a lot of time by myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t have friends I could spend time with. I did plenty of that, but I really wanted time with him.
I knew Jay wasn’t intentionally trying not to be with me. In reality, he had a demanding job and it revolved around other people’s schedules. In the midst of feeling lonely and frustrated, I knew I needed help. The question I had was, “What do you do when you know your marriage needs help?” At that particular moment, I reached out to a friend who had been married forever. I knew I could count on her to listen and give me sound words of wisdom.
Thirty years of marriage and a career focused on marriage have taught me a lot about what to do when my marriage is in trouble.
Truth be told, it would be unusual to be married for any length of time and not have troubled times. It’s the reality of two people coming together, trying to do life together. It’s often complicated. Unexpected challenges can throw you for a loop. The good news? Although perfectly good marriages get derailed, the right help can often get the marriage back on track and moving on down the rails.
Here are 4 things you can do if you find yourself in a marriage that feels like it is in trouble.
1. Surround yourself with people who are in healthy marriages.
Too often, when things are hard it’s super tempting to hang around people who will “take your side” and offer lots of advice that they sincerely believe is helpful. In reality, their advice isn’t always beneficial. It would be like taking your car to someone who is not a mechanic and asking them what they think is wrong with your car. Then you let them tinker with it when they really have no clue how to fix the problem. What’s most helpful is to have people who are willing to listen, hold you accountable for your part, and help you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
★ Before we talk about anything else, I think it‘s important to say that if you find yourself in a marriage where someone is or might be emotionally or physically abusing you, you should seek help immediately. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you create a plan to get to a safe place. The number is 1−800−799−7233. Thehotline.org also has lots of helpful information.
2. Counseling is for sure an option.
Just like you would not put your children in the hands of just anyone, you don’t want to put your marriage into someone’s hands just because they have the title of counselor or marriage and family therapist after their name. Check out reviews online. Also, ask trusted friends if they know of counselors that have been helpful to their marriage or friends’ marriages.
When you do call a marriage counselor or therapist to make an appointment, ask to have a 10-15 minute conversation with them to find out more about their experience with your particular issue. Tell them what your expectations are and what your end goals are. Do you want them to be directive in their approach or do you want more of an opportunity to process what is going on? All of this will be helpful information to them as they talk with you.
If you don’t feel like they are relatable or have enough experience with your issue, say “Thanks for your time” and move on. Even if your spouse does not want to go to counseling, it doesn’t mean you can’t work on making your marriage better. It only takes one person to decide to do things differently to change the marriage dance.
3. Online coaching and experiences.
These can also be helpful for you as an individual or as a couple. One word of caution: many people who have experienced and reached the other side of a crisis together become experts about their own situation, but present themselves as experts who can help others survive similar crises. Be careful to avoid putting your marriage into the hands of well-meaning people who may not have the experience necessary to be helpful to you.
4. There are many resources (including some outstanding books) you might find helpful.
- DivorceBusting by Michele Weiner-Davis
- 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John and Julie Gottman
- The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted by Gary Chapman
- Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On—Together or Apart by Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom and Kristina Coop Gordon
- Fighting for Your Marriage, by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg.
In case you are wondering what my friend said, she asked if I had shared my frustrations with Jay. I told her I had not. She encouraged me to talk with him, but to really think about my words carefully. She also reminded me that we’re on the same team and that the goal was to figure out together the best way forward. I took her advice. Although she has left this earth, I can still hear her voice in my head on the hard days reminding me that my marriage is worth fighting for, and asking for help is courageous and wise.
If you were to ask me now (almost 31 years into marriage) if it’s been worth it, I would say without a doubt. BUT, that doesn’t mean we haven’t had our share of hard times. There have been plenty, but it feels like the hard times were like good seasoning on food. It permeates through and just makes it better. Our marriage is better because of the hard times and being willing to ask for help.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Are you considering counseling? The Counseling Problem:
I don’t want people to know that I’m getting counseling! We can work this out ourselves! Counseling might do some good for other people, but I don’t need it.
Counseling is one of those things that sadly often gets stigmatized or viewed as good for other people. If you are brave enough to bring it up, you’ll see it is helping many of your friends work through issues in their relationships and their lives. Don’t write off counseling as a tool.
Have you ever had a friend who shared a problem with you and you were able to see the solution so clearly, you passed on some awesome advice? Problem solved!
But, when it comes to your life and your problems, that clarity is all out the window and you have no clue what to do.
Why is it sometimes so easy to see other people’s problems clearly, but our own problems feel so much more complicated? The difference between your friend’s problem and yours is that it’s difficult to see our own situations objectively (or from a third person perspective). We have all kinds of blind spots, biases, and really only have one perspective – ours.
The Counseling Solution
Our own inability to see our problems clearly is why counseling can be so helpful. There are several BIG benefits to seeking counseling or therapy, either individually or as a couple.
Benefits of Meeting with a Counselor:
- They help us see those things that are in our blind spots. This is often the biggest hurdle – admitting that we don’t see it all and know it all about ourselves.
- The counselor can help us talk about things that are difficult to talk about. They can be a safe person to talk to. They can function as a mediator and ensure that a conversation doesn’t become a confrontation.
- Some problems we wrestle with are flat-out complicated – they might involve chemicals in our brains or generations of our family history. We might not have the tools to tackle those issues.
Hopefully, you have some good friends that can help you can talk through problems, but don’t forget, sometimes you need to consider counseling. And, that’s totally ok.
Looking for relationship resources? Click here!
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Eric was married with two children. Life at home was good, and he considered his relationship with his wife to be healthy. They frequently spent time together and intimacy between the two of them was good. He never considered having an affair or needing to affair-proof his marriage until he faced a potentially compromising situation with a co-worker.
“Contrary to popular belief, most people do not set out to have an affair,” says Dr. Shirley Glass, infidelity expert and author of Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. “Eric’s situation is all too common. It is faulty thinking to believe that being attracted to someone else means something is wrong at home. It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage.”
Appropriate Boundaries Are Important for Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
“The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries,” Glass says. “In a culture where men and women are working so closely, you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur. Especially at a time when you might be vulnerable—like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is where a man and woman who are ‘just friends’ innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage.”
According to research, 25 percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point.
Glass says that openness, honesty and self-disclosure defines intimacy in marriage. Anything that interferes with that creates walls of secrecy and should be a signal of looming danger. For example, meeting the same person every morning for breakfast in a public place without telling your spouse creates a wall of secrecy in your marriage. If you’re uncomfortable talking with your spouse about it, that’s a warning sign.
Interestingly, only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage for their affair partner actually end up with them. Many say they wish the affair had never happened and that they had worked on their marriage instead.
So, how can you guard against an affair?
- Establish clear boundaries.
- Stay connected to each other and keep the lines of communication open.
- Instead of creating walls of secrecy, talk with your spouse. Eric came home to his wife and told her about what happened with his co-worker. They were able to talk openly about strategies for clearer boundaries. This strengthened their relationship.
- If you feel attracted to someone else, never let them know.
- Watch out for outside influences that encourage infidelity. For example, avoid an environment where other people are fooling around. Be on guard at business socials where drinking and dancing happen and spouses aren’t present.
- If you have experienced infidelity in your marriage, it’s possible to survive it and be stronger than before. Unfortunately, it takes time for the wounds of betrayal to heal, and both parties must be willing to work together to move the marriage forward.
If you are working through infidelity, Glass recommends the following:
- Stop the affair. The betrayed person cannot begin to heal until the affair is over.
- Replace deception with honesty. The person who had the affair must agree to be accountable and create a safe and open environment by letting their partner know where they are.
- Because someone has violated trust, you must tell the story of the affair. The only way to tear down the wall of deception is to have an open window – no secrets. Usually, partners want all of the details. They need to put all of the missing pieces together and ask questions. The partner who had the affair must be patient, understanding and willing to share information. This is one way to rebuild intimacy.
- Identify vulnerabilities in your relationship and begin to work on them.
- Discuss what faithfulness and commitment mean to you. Just because a relationship is not sexual does not mean you are not having an emotional affair.
- Understand that this is a very difficult process and you may need professional help to work through your issues.
Eric was able to take a potentially harmful situation and turn it into one that fostered more open communication and trust in his marriage. The window of openness and the sharing of uncomfortable situations actually builds a marriage up instead of tearing it down.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
It was an all-too-familiar conversation. Jody went to see a marriage counselor hoping to receive guidance for getting her marriage back on track.
“After seeing the counselor twice, he told us, ‘You have three choices. You can separate for a period of time, file for divorce or keep on working,’” says Jody. “We were looking for someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage. Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn’t seem to care whether or not our marriage survived. We weren’t neutral about wanting to save our marriage. He was.”
According to Dr. Willard Harley, psychologist and author of numerous books including the internationally best-selling book, His Needs, Her Needs, this is not unusual.
During one woman’s first visit with a therapist, she specifically said that divorce was not an option. However, at the end of the 50 minute-session, the therapist told her he thought she really should consider divorce. There was no violence in the marriage – simply love gone cold.
“People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage,” says Harley. “Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be nondirective or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage.
“How can a plan possibly achieve its goal when there is no goal?” Harley asks. “It’s no wonder that most marriage counseling is so ineffective.”
This does not mean that couples should not seek help. In fact, Harley encourages troubled couples to find a marriage counselor to help save their marriage.
“Couples need to understand that there are times when even the strongest of marriages needs additional support and motivation. Frequently, only a professional marriage counselor or marriage educator can provide that,” Harley says. “An effective marriage counselor or educator will help you avoid or overcome intense emotional trauma associated with a failing marriage, create a plan that will help your marriage, and motivate you to complete that plan.”
Whether your marriage is in significant distress or just in a tough spot, Harley’s tips can help you pick an effective marriage counselor.
- Before setting up the first appointment, ask certain questions to make sure the counselor will help you accomplish your goals of making the marriage mutually fulfilling.
- Ask to schedule a 10-15 minute phone interview. If the counselor is not willing to have an initial phone conversation, eliminate that counselor from consideration.
- During the interview, ask about the following:
- What is your goal for our marriage? (Answer: To help you both achieve marital fulfillment, and save your marriage).
- What are your credentials and years of experience in marriage counseling? (Answer: a graduate degree in mental health (Master’s or Doctorate in Psychology or Social Work, with clinical supervision in marriage counseling).
- This is our problem (briefly explain). Do you have experience helping couples overcome that problem, and what is your success rate? (Answer: Experience helping couples overcome that particular problem with more than 75% success).
- After both spouses have a chance to speak to a few potential counselors, Harley suggests choosing the one that answers those questions appropriately. Then set up your first appointment.
Jody and her husband ultimately decided to divorce.
Looking back at the whole scenario, they question if divorce should have even been an option. At the time, they both felt hopeless about their marriage. Without a recovery plan, divorce seemed to be the only answer for them.
If the counselor had given them a plan to save their marriage, they might be happily married today. They will always wonder if a more encouraging counselor would have helped change the course of their family’s life.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Resources for Dealing with Porn Addiction
Perhaps you believe that you or someone you love is addicted to pornography. While you may be tempted to keep it quiet, there are lots of resources to help with recovery.
In her book, An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall says there’s no easy answer. As the wife of a porn addict, she learned she had to disengage from trying to fix him. Instead, she had to take care of herself.
“You have to build your own personal foundations under you—boundaries, standards, tolerations, and requirements,” says Hall. “It was not an option to tolerate this in my home. I learned that one of the first steps toward recovery, whether you are the person addicted or the spouse, is to seek help from a trained counselor.”
Hall learned that some counselors empower the spouse who is dealing with the difficulty of being married to a sex addict. Others simply don’t understand the nature of sexual addiction.
“Working with a counselor who doesn’t get it can leave you feeling shredded,” Hall says. “I have hundreds of letters that bear out this point.”
When looking for a counselor, Hall suggests you ask:
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Where did they get their counseling training?
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Have they had specific training in dealing with sex addiction? Where? When?
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What is their approach in dealing with this subject?
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Does the counselor network with national groups who deal with this subject?
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How many people have they counseled on this issue?
After the session, ask yourself:
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Did the counselor treat me with respect?
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Does this person view me as a partner in my own healing or as a project?
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Did the counselor hear me or lecture me?
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Does the counselor encourage or discount my intuition?
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Is this person’s belief system compatible with mine?
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Did I feel safe?
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Did they offer any resources—books, pamphlets, websites and/or support groups for more information about sexual addiction?
Next Steps
If you suspect a problem, but aren’t sure, you can take a sex addiction screening test developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, an expert on sexual addiction and recovery. You can take it online at faithfulandtrue.com under the self-assessment tab.
If you know you have a porn addiction, Dr. Mark Laaser, author of The Pornography Trap and Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, suggests you begin by admitting the problem. Talk with an accountability partner and seek help. Put blocks on your computer and put the computer in a public place. Be straightforward about what would tempt you. Porn is in the mind of the beholder; certain things are universally considered porn, but other things like catalogs and magazines could be pornographic to an addict.
“With help from a trained counselor, we are seeing evidence that people can successfully recalibrate their brain,” says Laaser. “By demonstrating sexually pure behavior, you can rewire your brain to be satisfied with sexual purity in your marriage. Though it is not an easy process, there are people who have been successful.”
You can find additional secular or faith-based resources on these websites:
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
