I Love My Spouse, But I’m Thinking About Having an Affair
How can you love your spouse and be thinking about having an affair? Is that even possible? The whole thing is super confusing.
Well, believe it or not, there may be a logical explanation.
Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, says couples need both closeness and distance to sustain a level of sexual intimacy or gratification.
Many couples have been together 24/7 with very little time apart since the pandemic began. Time apart helps create sexual energy while you think about being with your spouse later in the day.
COVID has taken away a lot of the opportunity for anticipation. With the lowered level of sexual energy, many couples are bored. And they may not feel much attraction toward each other at all.
Since our brains crave novelty and excitement, the lackluster sexual energy at home may open the door to looking elsewhere for that excitement you used to experience with your spouse.
If you love your spouse, but you’re thinking about having an affair, consider these things…
“When you are feeling some emotional impulse, as in entertaining the idea of an affair, you have an opportunity to examine the impulse rationally, says Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity.
“Stop. Consider the consequences. The very same muscle you exercise when you consider the consequences of running a red light—smashing another car, getting a ticket, dying, can be exercised in this instance,” Haltzman says. “Thankfully, we don’t just live on instinct. We can think through the risks of our potential actions.”
Haltzman suggests considering all the things that could happen, such as contracting a disease and giving it to your spouse.
Plus, think about the hurt your spouse will feel when they find out.
“In my experience, most affairs are discovered,” Haltzman says. “Maybe not immediately, but at some point. You need to consider the impact on the person you have an affair with and the impact on your own body because you are keeping a secret from your spouse.”
There’s also the moral and practical issue, according to Haltzman. You made a promise to your spouse and to yourself to be faithful as one of the pillars of your marital relationship. And you promised that when nobody else was vying for your attention.
You have to guard against rationalizing your thought process.
Haltzman believes it’s possible to bring the sexual energy back into your marriage, even if you’re thinking about having an affair.
He also suggests taking the energy you were putting toward considering cheating and putting that energy back into your marriage.
Here’s how!
- Do new things together. When people are exposed to novel situations, exciting things, or new challenges together, it draws them together. New experiences with your spouse will increase your sense of attraction to each other.
- Create space and anticipation. Agree that you’ll spend the day apart—even if it’s on opposite ends of the house. Consider only communicating during the day by cellphone, so you can look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day.
- Play dress up. Staying at home all the time may lead to staying in pajamas or sweats and not caring for ourselves. Do something different. Consider what would be sexy to your spouse.
- Use your imagination for your marriage. Use your imagination to focus on and create sexual energy with your spouse instead of someone else.
- Get back to the basics. Do the things you did when you were apart and looking forward to being back together. Tease each other with text messages. Create adventure through the element of surprise. Laugh together. Write love notes and leave them in unexpected places. 😉
- Be willing to be playful. Go outside and stamp a message in the snow, go camping, or create art together. Make a funny video, create a themed date in your bathroom or somewhere else that’s fun.
While the idea of an affair may seem exhilarating, it’s a pretty risky business with potentially lasting and damaging consequences. Find out why you might be entertaining these thoughts. Then turn toward your spouse and be intentional about creating something different. These things could be the key to changing the sexual climate in your marriage.
Here are some other blogs you might find helpful:
- WHY PEOPLE REALLY HAVE AFFAIRS (IT’S NOT ALWAYS JUST ABOUT SEX)
- 3 WAYS GOOD COMMUNICATION CAN ENHANCE SEX IN MARRIAGE
- 3 WAYS TO HAVE BETTER SEX IN MARRIAGE
- HOW TO PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE FROM AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
You and your spouse are arguing constantly. Maybe there’s a never-ending tension-filled silence at home when you’re around your partner. Or you feel like you can’t ever believe anything your significant other says.
You’ve heard that marriages can be hard work. But you’re not sure if this is “good” hard work, if you just have problems to work through, or if your marriage is truly a toxic marriage.
Here are 10 signs that are often present in a toxic marriage and what you can do about it…
Destructive communication.
You react to each other most often with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or withdrawal/stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman, marriage researcher and therapist, calls these The 4 Horsemen. Each of these communication styles do a lot more to drive you apart than they do to bring you together. Healthy couples respond to each other as equals and approach conflict with respect for one another. They also take responsibility for their role in a conflict.
Conflict is never resolved or managed. It just grows.
It’s true that there are some things the two of you will never totally agree on. In fact, Dr. Gottman has identified 10 common differences within marriage that couples may not agree on for the duration of their marriage. Issues surrounding parenting, family and in-laws, work/life balance, and sex are all areas you may never see the same way. A marriage isn’t toxic because of these differences. When the relationship is unable to manage the differences and learn how to respect and work with one another, resentment and bitterness creeps in and creates high levels of toxicity. Being different doesn’t mean one of you is deficient. The world and your family needs the differences you both exhibit.
Intimacy is non-existent.
There’s little to no connection physically, emotionally, or spiritually. It breaks my heart to hear a spouse say, “I’m lonely.” Living with someone you love and feeling unable to feel seen, heard, or valued can leave one feeling lonely. Sharing intimate moments, whether they are times of deep, relational, and emotional connection or sexual experiences may be difficult when the marriage is toxic.
Secrecy.
It’s not that you should share every detail and every interaction you have with your spouse. However, purposely withholding information, financial information, or heavily censoring interactions you have with other people is a sign that there’s some potentially serious disconnect within your marriage. This can destroy trust and lead to betrayal. A healthy marriage works to build trust. It also works to understand why you’d risk the trust of your spouse for self-gratification.
Constant criticism.
We can always find something wrong with our spouse. But, if you are constantly criticizing or constantly being criticized, your relationship is not in a good place. The tone of voice and nonverbal communication are significant indicators as to how you communicate and how it will be received.
You consistently seem to bring out the worst in each other.
Whether enabling negative behaviors or provoking one another, a toxic relationship encourages you to be your worst self. You may constantly react to one another with anger, hostility, jealousy or any number of emotions. You may find yourself being manipulative, deceitful, or controlling. In healthy relationships, people look for ways to humbly help one another be their best selves, not from a place of superiority, but one of love and care.
Never fighting the right fight.
This isn’t about being physical. Sometimes couples argue so much they never actually discuss the real issue. She’s frustrated he won’t help with the dishes after eating. He’s always complaining that the family is rushing to this and that event. She wants more sex. He wants more peace and quiet. They’ve argued about the same thing for years and never actually talked about the real issue. The issue may be about valuing family time or lack of intimacy. Sometimes digging into the roots and understanding the real issue takes time and the help of a professional counselor. You want to fight the right fight, the right issue, the real issue.
Control and isolation.
Controlling or being controlled can have severe consequences to one’s mental and emotional health. Dictating where the other goes, what they do, how much money they can spend, what they say and who they spend time with are strong indicators of a toxic marriage or relationship. This is unhealthy behavior. Seek professional help.
Disrespect and disregard for each other.
This may look like a total lack of care or interest in one another. Dismissing and neglecting one another’s being in the marriage is a deep sign of trouble. Stepping back and appreciating the strengths of your spouse and their contributions to both you as a person and the marriage is a sign of a vibrant relationship.
Neither of you is becoming a better version of yourself.
The relationship is having a negative impact on your character. You’re becoming deceitful, manipulative, or more self-centered. While this may not always be attributed to the marriage, it’s important to look at marriage and determine what type of character the marriage is feeding.
★ So, What Can You Do?
Self-Care.
You’re not expected to be perfect, but you can work to take care of yourself, mentally, physically and emotionally. Eating well, getting plenty of rest, setting aside time to meditate/pray and be mindful are all proven ways to help you think better. These things can also help you respond to stress in a productive way. Research by The Institute for Family Studies indicates couples who cultivate mindfulness through activities such as meditation “may experience a feeling of greater connection within their romantic and sexual relationships.”
Focusing on the friendship within the marriage is focusing on the marriage.
Separating the marital expectations from the growth of a friendship can help the two of you focus on getting to know one another again. Friends talk, listen, support and share. When the marriage itself feels toxic, focus on being a good friend to one another. You’ll be strengthening your marriage.
Communicate.
Numerous studies confirm the number one issue couples experience in marriage is poor communication. Have honest, non-judgmental conversation with your spouse about your concerns. Don’t blame. Don’t speak to your partner with contempt as though you have all the answers. There’s no guarantee your spouse will receive it well or even reciprocate. We can hope, but not expect. Part of being a healthy you is sharing your honest thoughts and emotions.
Schedule your fights.
Many toxic relationships are characterized by incessant arguing. Your mind has become trained to only communicate conflict, disagreement and strong, negative emotions. Set aside a time where you will discuss your disagreements and conflicts. This may give one spouse the security of knowing that issues will not be avoided while giving the other person the space to get their thoughts together. As you develop a pattern of dealing with your issues in a healthy, productive way at a given time, it will become easier to coexist. It will also be easier for you enjoy one another at other times because there’s no fear that you’re ignoring your issues.
Seek Counseling.
As stated earlier, sometimes counseling is necessary. If your spouse isn’t willing, you may choose to seek counseling on your own to help understand the root issues of the toxicity. You may also find out what, if any, contributions you have made to the relationship’s toxic nature.
Find ways to express gratitude.
There’s something good about your spouse. Otherwise, you would have never been attracted to them. Relationship expert Dr. Jack Ito says, “little acts of love and kindness go a long way (in marriage).” Help your brain see the good in your spouse by showing and expressing gratitude for the good, regardless of how big or small it is.
Talk with healthy couples. Limit interaction with toxic couples.
You can expect to be contaminated with more poison when you continually interact with other toxic couples. During this season when you’re trying to eliminate toxicity, it’s crucial that you interact with couples who are relatively healthy—not perfect, but healthy. You won’t find any perfect couples.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Does My Wife Love Me?
The COVID-19 pandemic has put stress and strain on all facets of our lives, perhaps none as significantly as marriages. Chances are you’re reading this because you’ve felt this rift in your relationship with your wife, and you may be wondering, has she lost that loving feeling? And if so, what do I do?
Hope is not lost, gentlemen. Below, I offer you some ideas on how to think and what to do when you’re asking, “Does my wife love me?“
Ask yourself, what do I mean by the word “love?”
Are you wondering if she isn’t committed to your marriage anymore? Or does her not loving you mean she’s acting irritable, disrespectful, or mean toward you? Or does it mean she seems distant and non-engaging? These are all very different iterations of what it may mean to feel unloved. Nail down what it is about “love” that she doesn’t seem to be delivering at the moment as you perceive it.
Then ask, “What are the observable characteristics I’ve seen that makes me think this way?“
When you’re in the same room, does she clam up and avoid talking to you? Does she not seem as interested in sex and continually reject your advances? When you try to talk about anything, does she respond negatively or withdraw? These are all observable behaviors you can see in your spouse. However, one word of caution: as you take note of the things you see, you are not stockpiling ammunition to bring down on your spouse later on. You aren’t building your argument to prove that your wife doesn’t love you.
Rather, the purpose for noticing these behaviors is two-fold: first, it helps you consider the next bullet point below. And secondly, when it does come time to talk with your wife about your concerns (which is addressed later on), it is easier to explain to your spouse things that you “see” rather than things that you “feel.”
Consider other factors outside of yourself that may be causing what you observe in your wife.
It’s very easy to think the issue is with you when you feel as though your wife isn’t being as loving toward you as before. But before we jump to conclusions and become defensive, we need to consider whether you see your wife acting the way she does for entirely different reasons.
If she has been experiencing the stress, strain, and anxiety of everything going on in her world, she may not be withdrawing from you; she may just be withdrawing.
In the words of Billy Joel, “Tell her about it.”
Bring your concerns up to her. Be sure to pick a time and place where you can focus and the air isn’t thick with tension. Ask her if this is a good time to talk or whether another time would be better.
Be gentle and kind in your words, and avoid placing blame or assuming motives. Tell her what you observe, and use “I” statements. For example, I am concerned for our relationship. When we are in the same room, I see us not talking as much as we used to, and I feel like you’re avoiding eye contact with me. I just want to be sure I’m not doing anything that you see is a problem, or if the problem may be something else.
And then… listen. Just listen. Ask questions. Become a passionate detective with the goal to learn and understand. And I can’t stress this enough: avoid coming off defensively. Here’s the thing: the problem may be something you’re doing or not doing. And now you’ve given her the platform to voice her issue. Hear her concern, listen to understand rather than rebut, and make it your goal to come to a resolution with her rather than to defend yourself.
Memorize these words: How Can I Help?
If your wife indicates that you are indeed doing something (or not doing something) that is contributing to the problem, the next step is to understand what you can do differently to make your relationship stronger.
However, it might be that those other factors mentioned above are at play. If that is the case, your job is to support. And not for the sake of “gaining her love back,” but so that your wife can be the best version of herself she can.
Keep in mind the way you can help may simply be to be present and to listen. Guys can be fixers. We like to fix problems. Sometimes, our wives don’t want things fixed as much as they want to be understood. (I know—this seems counterintuitive to most husbands. But if we can learn this one little lesson, it changes the landscape of our marriage so much more for the better.)
Lead the dance.
The thing is, even if the issue isn’t you, and you do listen and help your wife to feel understood about what she’s feeling, there’s a possibility that she’s not going to pop back immediately into full-on lovey-dovey mode. Things like this take time to process and work through. Take the initiative and show her how much you love her. Speak her love language. Write her love notes, send her flowers, be extra diligent with laundry and cleaning, take the kids away from her for a while so she can rest—anything that helps her to feel loved and supported. When we lead the dance and take initiative without her having to ask, more often than not our spouse will get excited about dancing again.
Don’t be afraid to seek help.
If you’re still questioning your wife’s love, problems persist or you find difficulty in reaching a resolution, consider seeing a marriage counselor together. And again, you might have to be the one to lead the dance and bring this up to your wife.
Fellow husbands, we are in challenging times. Our marriages are being challenged. And it may seem like your wife just isn’t that into you anymore. But hope is rarely lost. You have within your power the tools to contribute positively to your marriage, even when your spouse doesn’t seem to show the love.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
We expect things to be different after marriage, and one of the more difficult changes is in our friendships, and especially our opposite-sex friends. Often, while we share similar stages of life with our friends, your marital relationship should be the primary relationship. It’s pretty likely that you and your spouse want what is in the best interest of your marriage.
Many couples bring a variety of things into the relationship—including that comfy couch from your bachelor pad or that well-worn t-shirt or sweatshirt, mismatched plates, cookware, and friends of the opposite sex. While it may be easy for you all to decide what old items to discard, it becomes much more difficult to have the conversation with your spouse about ending and/or adapting long-standing or even newly-established opposite-sex friendships. These innocent friendships often create a rift between spouses, especially when our spouse sees the relationship as no big deal but there is something in your gut that makes you super uncomfortable.
If you find that you and your spouse are having more and more unresolved discussions about these “friendships,” you may be in the “Danger Zone.” In the Danger Zone, you and your spouse may find yourself:
- Emotionally disconnected from each other
- Not communicating well
- Having unresolved conflicts
- Decreasing in physical intimacy
If you see, DANGER, DANGER, DANGER, take heed. Dr. Shirley Glass, licensed marriage and family therapist, has found that “82% of the unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, ‘just a friend.’ The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love.”
How should I begin this conversation with my spouse?
Ask Questions
Internal Questions:
- Look at the person in the mirror.
- What really is bothering me? Do I feel ignored? Insecure? Disrespected? Jealous?
- Am I asking my spouse to look at their opposite-sex friendships while I have not examined my own?
- What about this relationship makes me uncomfortable?
- Does my spouse share a past romantic relationship with this friend?
- Does this remind me of something from my past relationships?
- Do I know my spouse’s friend? Are they doing things for the friend that they won’t do at home?
Relational Questions:
- What is the state of my marriage? Is it healthy? Do we laugh together? Play together? How well do we communicate? Handle conflict? How is our intimate life?
- Are we nurturing our marital relationship?
- Have we talked about boundaries? Does my spouse include me in the friendship?
- Am I invited to go hang out together with the friend?
- Are we in the “Danger Zone?”
Once you have considered the above questions, find the right time and place to begin the conversation with your spouse.
- Use “I statements” (Speak from your own point of view—“I feel, I need, I think…”)
- Be respectful
- Ask questions of your spouse
- Actively listen to them
- Being aware prevents you from approaching a slippery slope
Having this conversation is meant to create and establish relational boundaries that you both can agree on as well as be held accountable. Additionally, you should be open about how you feel about it when your spouse has opposite-sex friends, but do so in a controlled and positive way. Avoid opening an accusatory conversation because you’re feeling hurt or slighted. Choose to respond instead of react. Seek to understand your spouse and the situation first, then open the conversation as a way to strengthen your marriage.
Being aware of the danger zone, paying attention to warning signs and being respectful of your spouse’s perspective will enable you both to be on the same page and do what is best for your relationship. This does not mean that you and your spouse can never have opposite-sex friends. No matter the difficulty, talking and being open about boundaries is necessary to build a strong, lasting relationship.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What to Do When Your Spouse Isn’t Supportive
I know how you feel. I get a really big, life-goal idea in my mind about every two weeks. And when I drop my best-laid plans on my wife as if it’s a slam-dunk, somehow she just doesn’t see it the way I do. And that’s when things can blow up.
Let me suggest some things I have learned:
I have learned that letting my mind go too far down the decision-making trail before I make my spouse aware of what I’m thinking is not a good thing.
In my mind, I’ve often already walked down the road to success. I’ve already imagined how wonderful this decision will be. And I’ve already anticipated that my spouse is going to react by being completely supportive and on board. The issue lies in the already. What I often fail to do is invite my spouse with me on this road before my mind is already made up. And that’s unfair to her. It’s as if I’ve already made the decision for her.
I have learned that my spouse might have some ideas that change my direction. And that is a good thing.
When she gives me reasons as to why something may not work out the way I see it (and dang it, they’re good reasons), it feels like a total disregard for my dreams and aspirations. The truth of the matter is that my spouse (the person who I’ve partnered with to walk down this road of life, I have to remind myself) does indeed support me and wants what’s best for both of us.
And this is backed up by research. Marriage researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn found that with couples who labeled themselves as “happy” or “mostly happy,” an extremely high number of partners said they care about their spouse, want the best for them, and are “for” their spouse, even during painful times and arguments.
✸✸ At the end of the day, decisions such as these aren’t just a me thing; it’s a we thing. And her input to this decision is extremely valuable, sometimes resulting in a better outcome than I had imagined. ✸✸
Finally, I have learned that my relationship with my spouse actually gets stronger when we struggle over a decision together.
And, the outcome of the decision normally comes out better than what I had originally anticipated. The very act of wrestling through the decision itself brings us closer together and makes us feel more valued, and solidifies us as a team.
So what do you do when you have a big idea and you want your spouse to be supportive? Here are some steps you can take:
1. Take some time to consider the implications of your idea.
Remember that this decision doesn’t affect you alone. It affects both your marriage and your spouse.
2. Don’t think of it as a decision made, but an idea to be considered.
So you want to change jobs, or go vegan, or cut way back on the kids’ sports schedules? It helps you be more open to the feedback of your spouse when you label this as an idea to be explored rather than a decision that’s already iron-clad in your mind.
3. Reframe how you bring your idea up to your spouse.
“I’ve decided I want to change jobs and work from home permanently, and I’m going to start looking next week. Isn’t that exciting?” See how that sounds? Decision already made.
Notice the difference here: “I’ve been thinking of what it would look like to change jobs and work from home. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I have some ideas. I don’t know what this might look like in the end, and I’d like your help in thinking about this.“
Framing your idea so that you are open to feedback makes it more palatable, inviting, and open for discussion. And consequently, it can make a big difference in how supportive your spouse’s response is.
4. Be prepared to approach the idea at a slower pace.
When you’re excited about an idea, it’s difficult to not want to see it happen right now. But when you are bringing your spouse in on the decision-making process, be ready to take some time. It might take more than one discussion. Great decisions are rarely made in a short amount of time. Embrace the process that you and your spouse get to embark on, and allow it to make your connection to each other stronger.
5. Bring your spouse in on the decision-making process.
Invite your spouse in on the discussion. Ask them what they think, if they see better ways of approaching the idea, and what different scenarios may look like. For example, what does it look like to quit your job now versus quitting your job in one year?
Be ready to approach your idea in ways different than you originally had thought. Your spouse may take it and add caveats, as what if we did this…, or even right out reject the idea as you see it playing out. Keep in mind that you are a team and this is a decision that affects both of you.
✸✸ Relationship researchers Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, and Susan Blumberg suggest establishing some ground rules for these kinds of discussions, such as allowing one person to speak their full mind without interruption and then clarifying what you think you heard. If the discussion gets heated, take a time-out for 20 minutes and reconvene with calmer emotions. ✸✸
And if your spouse is still not supportive…
This is a very real possibility, no matter how well you’ve presented your idea. If that’s the case, take a deep breath. Understand that even though your spouse doesn’t support your idea, it doesn’t mean they don’t support you as their partner or your marriage as a whole. Circumstances also change with time. It’s possible your big life-goal idea may present itself to be a better idea in the future.
Remember that you are a TEAM.
- Don’t let this issue or idea divide you.
- Don’t think in terms of who won and who lost.
- Do not let your relationship become adversarial.
- Don’t look at your spouse as the enemy of your idea or dreams. (You might not be on the same page—yet.)
- Be on guard that anger and frustration don’t turn into bitterness or resentment—these will wreak havoc on your marriage.
And one thing you can count on: if you’ve presented your idea in a way that invited open feedback and scrutiny from your spouse, they’ll be much more likely to be supportive of the idea when that future opportunity comes about.
For more help with your marriage, click here.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The 3 Most Important Things You Should Do for Your Spouse
What if you could do just three things that would revamp, recharge, and revitalize your marriage? Just three things. Your marriage is worth that!
When I was a kid, I had this toy car that resembled the black-and-red van from the iconic television show, The A-Team. (For you younger generations, you can ask Siri or Alexa or the Google or whatever you kids are into these days about that).
In order for the car to roll across the floor on its own, you had to rev it up several times along the ground before you let it go. And if you revved it up enough, watch out! You could pop wheelies, jump ramps, and all kinds of other tricks that were reminiscent of the fancy driving of A-Team member B.A. Baracus (again, ask the Google).
★ In our work with couples, we’ve been asked many questions such as: How can we keep the communication going in our marriage? How do we re-spark intimacy? How can we feel like we did when we first met? ★
In essence, the questions boiled down to this: How can you keep your marriage revved up and rolling full speed?
There are probably as many ways to answer this as there are the number of times A-Team leader Hannibal said, “I love it when a plan comes together…”(the answer is, a lot…Google, man, Google). However, without a doubt, there are three important things you should do for your spouse that will impact so many other aspects of your relationship. And even if you focus on just these three, they will have your marriage flying higher than Murdock’s helicopter (that’s A-Team-speak for “It’ll be awesome”).
Key #1: Take care of yourself.
Right off the bat, this sounds counterintuitive and possibly even a little selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking.
But here’s the thing—if you pay only a small amount of attention to your physical, emotional, and mental health, there’s not much of your self left to give to the one you love the most.
I’ve experienced this in my own marriage. In the past, I felt so wrapped up in my job (for the sake of providing for my family, of course, or so I told myself), rattled by stress and constrained by deadlines, that all I had to offer my wife when I got home at night was the leftovers of my being. I was tired. My body was in poor health. And my mind was spent. I wanted to connect with my wife, but the wheels had fallen off the A-Team van.
So, self-care is actually one of the most selfless gifts you can give to your spouse. Give a little to your self, and you’ll find you have so much more to give to your spouse. And then, watch things rev up and the wheelies fly!
Key #2: Have realistic expectations for your spouse.
Having expectations of your spouse is normal. But there is a fine line between great expectations that make a marriage great and unrealistic expectations that make a marriage unrealistic.
The bottom line is this: It’s unrealistic to see your spouse as the be-all-end-all for your happiness. Everyone wants to see their spouse happy, but happiness can’t be induced by another person. Putting that kind of pressure on your mate sets them up to fail at something they weren’t meant to do and can cause all kinds of tension and conflict.
Dr. Gary Chapman calls these kinds of expectations “If Onlys.” If only my spouse would work less… cook more… watch more of “The A-Team”—then I’d be happier.
Unrealistic expectations can be counteracted with creating spoken, shared expectations that are truly realistic and healthy. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman lists several expectations that healthy couples have in their relationship:
- Be good friends.
- Trust one another.
- Be fully committed to each other.
- Have a satisfying sex life.
- Manage conflict constructively.
- Watch lots of “The A-Team” together. (Okay, I made this one up. But you never know what this may do for your relationship!)
Key #3: Pursue your spouse!
I don’t mean in a creepy, follow-them-to-work, stalker kind of way.
Let’s put it this way: Remember that feeling you had in the first couple of years in your relationship? When you were setting up that big surprise romantic date? When you were anticipating giving them that special gift you had been hiding? How talking to your spouse late into the night vitalized your feelings for them?
There’s a good reason you had these feelings. Research indicates that the newness of romantic attraction causes a neurochemical called phenylethylamine (PEA) to squirt through your brain, causing feelings of heightened romance, physical attraction, and physical and emotional energy. And, it motivated you to keep on pursuing your spouse!
But, the research also says that this chemical is only active in your brains in the first one or two years of marriage. After that, it takes more work to rev things up.
The great news is that it’s not rocket science, and it doesn’t take an insurmountable amount of effort to keep the wheels rolling and get the PEA squirting again. Regularly pursue conversation and have a curiosity about your spouse. Pursue romance and new experiences. Pursue laughter, fun and connection, too. Continue to be curious about their dreams, likes, dislikes, and goals. You get the picture.
Gifts That Keep On Giving
Finally, remember that self-care, realistic expectations, and the pursuit of your spouse are three gifts you can give to the one you love the most that keep on giving. Write these down somewhere you will see them. Talk about them with your spouse. Make them a regular part of your daily rhythm and practice. Watch your marriage rev up, make tracks, burn rubber, and hammer down.
And for Pete’s sake, go Google The A-Team. You’ll thank me later.
Other blogs to check out:
My Marriage Doesn’t Make Me Happy
Are You Setting A Good Example Of Self-Care For Your Family?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How To Help Your Spouse Deal With Anxiety
For me, it often happens in the evening (though not always). It feels like a sudden Visitor at your door who comes in unannounced and spreads an uncomfortable, heavy, warm, wet blanket over you, gradually but quickly covering your whole body, and I feel it mainly in my chest. As soon as I feel myself covered, I’m very aware of the sense of unexplained dread that’s overcome me. Often my vision narrows and it’s difficult to concentrate on what people are saying. I can feel my heart pounding. My breathing is shallow. And it’s hard not to just sit there, paralyzed, and feel intense fear for something that I don’t know how to define.
Sometimes it takes a long while for the feeling to gradually dissipate. Other times, it just sort of leaves quickly, like it wanted to slip quietly out the back door without anyone noticing. It’s exhausting. And the most frustrating part, every time, is the nonsensical, illogical way the Visitor just comes and goes, without any sort of reason, at least none that I can think of.
Anxiety attacks are a beast, and I’ve experienced them for years. Every time I’ve had to deal with anxiety, my wife, Kristin, has been there right beside me, walking the road. She can tell when the Visitor is at the door because she can hear me trying to catch my breath.
Feeling anxious?
She’ll gently ask me this, and I never find it threatening nor snarky. This is in large part due to the fact that we’ve had some very open and real discussions about what I experience. What I appreciate the most is her understanding, even though she hasn’t felt what I feel when I have these attacks.
If you are married to someone who struggles with anxiety, you may feel powerless to help them. Kristin and I want to offer you some tools and concepts to help you be a support for the one you love most when anxiety comes bursting through the door.
What Is Anxiety Exactly?
It helps to have a basic understanding of anxiety itself. Anxiety is actually a natural, normal process the brain goes through to help a person cope with stress. It causes an apprehension or fear of something to come, and this typically serves to protect a person from harm and danger.
However, this process is only made to come and go as needed. It’s not meant to pop up without warning and interfere with everyday life.
This unhealthy anxiety is ambiguous; it can feel differently depending on the person feeling it, and it reveals itself in a variety of ways. Many (like myself) feel panic attacks with no apparent reason. Others may experience a phobia of certain objects or activities. Some have an irrational fear of social situations or worry about their health.
Researchers can’t pinpoint an exact cause of this kind of anxiety. A mix of genetics, environmental factors, and brain chemistry seems to be likely, but this doesn’t exactly narrow it down. Therefore, there are a variety of ways professionals treat anxiety, from coping exercises such as deep breathing and other lifestyle changes to therapy and medication. (The Gottman Institute offers a great article here about using mindfulness to deal with difficult emotions like anxiety.)
This all can seem very complex to you, the spouse, who sees how anxiety is plaguing the one you love. And you might be wondering, what in the world could I ever do to help?
What Spouses Can Do
In fact, you are not powerless to help your spouse who has anxiety. Anxiety isn’t exactly something you can “fix,” but it can be managed. And as someone dealing with anxiety, a supportive spouse is the most important person to have in your corner.
Here are some thoughts on how to help your spouse deal with anxiety:
- Understand that your spouse doesn’t know why they struggle with anxiety. Even if they know what triggers it, such as work deadlines or having to engage with a particular person, the feeling itself just seems irrational. Even more elusive is how to get rid of that feeling. It’d be easy to put the blame of the anxiety on the person feeling it or to say, just stop feeling that way, but this is no help. As a person who experiences this, I can tell you that if I knew what it was I was doing that caused a panic attack, I’d immediately change course. And I appreciate my wife understanding this.
- Be present. One of the worst feelings—over and above the anxiety itself—is watching a person leave the room because they don’t know how to help. My wife’s presence is comforting and reassuring, even if neither one of us knows how to “stop the feeling.” Sometimes Kristin, if she is doubting what she should do, will say, I’m going to stay here with you until you tell me you want to be alone. And I can honestly say I have never asked to be alone during a panic attack.
- Gently direct toward some healthy coping strategies (and away from unhealthy ones). Again, my wife is good at this (she’s had lots of practice). When I feel an attack coming on, she will gently and respectfully steer me in another direction, maybe to watch a TV show with her or to take a walk. She understands the need to redirect my focus. Other good coping strategies include self-care, meditation, deep breathing exercises, physical exercise, eating a healthy diet, aromatherapy (such as using candles, oil, or incense), and spending time outdoors in nature.
- Talking it out helps. When I feel the pressure of anxiety coming on, Kristin will often ask me if I know where it might be stemming from. Sometimes, as we talk, we can identify some possible triggers, such as an impending work deadline or an inevitable difficult conversation I need to have with another person. My wife is really good at helping me think out what’s the worst that can come out of this situation? When I verbalize with her that the worst-case scenario isn’t all that bad, it helps to alleviate the anxiety. At other times, Kristin is also very good at reading when talking may not be very productive. This is usually when I’m in full-on panic mode and I can’t think straight enough to make conversation. In this case, she helps me with other coping strategies.
- Encourage rest. Exhaustion and fatigue are bullies to anxiety management. Getting to bed early or taking a short power nap in the afternoon helps me (I avoid long naps because it interferes with my sleep at night). I appreciate it when Kristin guides me to make rest a priority.
- If anxiety persists despite using coping strategies, it might be good to encourage your spouse to seek professional help through their physician or a counselor.
There are times when I have felt very inadequate because I didn’t know how to fix what I was experiencing. It’s easy to feel that something is “wrong” with you. And even more so, I’ve wondered just when my wife was finally going to be over me and this “problem.”
Kristin is very quick to put me in my place (in a good way). She assures me that nothing is “wrong” with me, that she doesn’t judge or think negatively of me because of my anxiety, and that she’ll be there no matter what to help me however she can. Without that, no coping exercise, medication, or therapy session would be nearly as effective.
You are in the prime position to be the main support for your spouse struggling with anxiety. You don’t have to “do” anything about it. Simply walk the road with them. Be in their corner. Encourage them. Be understanding. And be assured that your support means the world.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship click here.***
I’m Bored With My Spouse!
It’s your dining room table, you and your spouse are having dinner. And it happens. You realize that you can’t think of anything else to say. It hits you — I’m bored with my spouse.
How did this happen to us? We were the fun couple. Conversation was always easy for us. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. How and why did things change for us?
For many couples, the beginning of the relationship is full of fun and excitement. You enjoyed activities full of wonder and adventure. Now things have changed. Before jumping to any conclusions, this might just be a new season in your relationship. You’re chomping at the bit to go out and try something new, while your spouse seemingly sits there like a bump on a log. What do you do now?
If you are feeling or have felt this way, here are some things you need to consider.
1. Is your spouse okay?
Often, losing interest in activities that used to be fun and bring someone joy is a symptom of an underlying physical or mental health problem. Being listless and restless, just wanting to lay around, not feeling like doing anything — especially if this has been going on for more than two weeks — can be a sign of a physical or mental health problem. Be supportive. Encourage your spouse to get a physical.
2. Your boredom is ultimately something you need to address.
There is a big difference between, “I’m bored.” and “My spouse is boring.” It could also be that BOTH statements are about you. If you look up the multiple definitions of boredom like I did, here’s what you may find. Being bored is “feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.” Another definition of boredom is “an emotional or psychological state when an individual is left without anything in particular to do or is not interested in their surroundings or feels that a day or period is dull or tedious.” You will notice (in both definitions) that the onus is on the individual and not anyone else, including your spouse.
It may be helpful to seek out ways to engage with your spouse.
3. Get curious about your spouse. Ask questions like:
- What do you like best about our relationship?
- Is there something that you would like to try but have been too afraid to?
- What would be your dream vacation?
- What are some things that you are most thankful for now?
- What’s something new we could try together?
- What fun things did you do as a kid? As a teenager?
4. Give yourself and your spouse permission to have some time ALONE.
You BOTH might need some alone time. This is normal and healthy. The idea is to do something that refreshes and recharges your batteries and something that promotes growth, so that when you do spend time together, it’s more interesting and fulfilling. Your relationship involves two unique individuals. You and your spouse want to bring your best selves into the relationship.
Find ways to nurture yourself, then you can nurture your relationship.
Boredom is a tricky thing. On the one hand, it’s normal for boredom to pop up here and there. Don’t overreact to it, just find some creative ways to get out of the rut. On the other hand, prolonged boredom can signal something deeper is at work. Don’t hesitate to call in the pros.
Other helpful blogs:
3 Great Dates To Enhance Communication In Your Marriage
Help! My Spouse And I Have Nothing In Common
How To Find Common Interests With Your Spouse
Why It’s Important To Care About Your Spouse’s Interests
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
