Tag Archive for: Parents

Making the Empty-Nest Transition

It’s coming and you know it’s coming, and you’re doing everything in your power NOT to think about it. But when your youngest child leaves and you’re alone with a deafeningly silent house, you’ll want to be ready for the transition.

Thousands of young people head off to college each year, leaving their parents with a lot of time on their hands. Although they understand their role has changed, they are not quite sure what that means. Everything is different. No more school sports. No need to buy so many groceries. The mess throughout the house? Gone. It’s officially an empty-nest.

Some parents are excited about this newfound freedom while others find this time rather depressing.

“Making this transition can be tough,” says Pam Johnson, licensed clinical social worker and mother of two adults who have flown the nest. “You have to stay focused on the idea that your child is becoming his own person and pursuing dreams, which was the goal all along. Instead of lamenting the fact they don’t need you anymore, think about what they do need and the opportunity you have before you. As parents, we often put off our own interests to focus our attention on the needs of our children. This is a new season filled with opportunities.”

Johnson recalls that when her daughter went off to college, she and her husband dealt with the transition differently. Her world was turned upside down, but her husband seemed to take everything in stride. When she asked him about it, he explained that their daughter was happy. And he felt confident they had given her a great foundation to stand on her own two feet.

Johnson offers these strategies for making the transition to the empty-nest:

  • Plan ahead. Don’t wait until your child leaves to think about how you will deal with your extra time. Plan some projects to occupy your time. Be intentional about scheduling weekend activities you can do as a couple.
  • Set limits for yourself. As your child settles into a new routine, there will be lots of demands on their time. Let your child make the first phone call and try to limit yourself to checking in once a week. E-mailing or texting are great ways to check in and be supportive without being intrusive.
  • Be there when your child needs you. The first few months may be hard for your child. Encourage perseverance. Send care packages and cards. Make your home a refuge to which they will want to return.
  • Consider the next thing. You have been given the gift of being a parent for a season of life. As that role changes into the empty-nest, you will want to consider what’s next. Keep your eyes and heart open to where you need to go in life and what you want your life to be about.

“Letting go is hard,” Johnson says. “You want to let go of them gracefully.

“Here’s a little secret. When they come home, you will be happy to see them come home AND you will be happy to see them go because you will have transitioned into new routines and rituals that aren’t all about them.”

Image from Unsplash.com

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

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Next Steps After Graduation

Parents of graduating seniors have probably heard more than once, “I can’t wait until I don’t have to listen to your rules and I can do whatever I want.”

Most seniors are giddy over the idea of heading off to college. They are eager to choose their own bedtime, where they keep their things and how late they stay out. As launching time approaches, many of these seniors who were super-confident at graduation start questioning themselves and their next steps after graduation: What if I chose the wrong college? What if I don’t make any friends? What if I am choosing the wrong career track?

Many parents are also experiencing a mixed bag of emotions. They are excited about their teen taking the next step, yet somewhat fearful about their future. Parents realize a big transition is coming and there are still nuggets of wisdom they wish to pass on, yet they don’t have much time to do it. They become clingy at a time when their teen is trying to be more independent. This can make for a very interesting and long summer.

Fortunately, all of this is a natural reaction to graduation.

What can you do to help your graduate successfully leave the nest with confidence?

Here are some tips on next steps after graduation—just for you.

  • Just listen. Let them talk about all of the things running through their mind. Try to do this without minimizing their feelings.

  • Remind them that they can choose to water seeds of doubt and let the lies grow or they can pluck them out quickly before the roots get too strong.

  • A little stress isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Any new journey will by definition produce anxiety. You can’t help but wonder about this, that and the other. The little bit of anxiety goes a long way to help us perform at our best.

  • Remind them that the applicant pools have never been larger than they are now. If they received an acceptance letter, they can rest assured that the institution believes they can handle the work. The letter speaks volumes about the preparedness they bring to the college campus.

  • Don’t believe that nobody on the college campus will care. There are many people on campus who want to see their students succeed.

  • As a parent, you may be struggling over your child’s next steps after graduation, too. Instead of trying to talk through this with your graduate, seek the wisdom and support of other parents who are already on this journey.

  • If you have always done your teen’s laundry, cooked their meals, managed their money and helped them get to school/job on time, STOP. Summer is a great time to learn how to do these things for themselves, since you won’t be accompanying them to college.

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Outdoor Family Adventures

When temperatures are extremely hot, it’s hard to think about going outside and doing anything except jumping in a pool—and even that feels like jumping into a big bathtub! It’s a shame—because there are so many fun things to take advantage of, wherever you live. When the temperatures cool off a bit and there are only a few weeks before school starts, it’s the perfect time to plan some end-of-summer outdoor adventures with your family.

According to the National Wildlife Federation, childhood has moved “indoors” over the past two decades. The average American boy or girl spends just four to seven minutes in unstructured outdoor play each day, and more than seven hours each day in front of an electronic screen.

Children are out of shape, tuned out and stressed out because they’re missing something essential to their health and development: connection to the natural world.

An ongoing research project called Child of Our Time follows the growth of 25 children from the time they are born until they become adults. They have documented some interesting findings about children who play outside.

  • One of the benefits of playing outside is that children laugh more. This is good because laughter is a stress reliever and it helps stimulate the immune system.
  • Another benefit of outside play is better health. Researchers found that children who engage in outside play have the potential to have stronger bones and muscles from activities like running and jumping. They also get vitamin D just from being in the sun. When children are active, they are less likely to battle obesity and more likely to do well in school.
  • Additional studies show that children who play outside are more likely to be adventurous and open to new experiences. They tend to be better at making friends and have longer attention spans. Outdoor play fuels the imagination and teaches children how to be resourceful by creating their own entertainment.

What are you waiting for? Put the iPhone down, pull your kids away from their gaming devices and head outdoors for some family adventures.  Experience the benefits an active lifestyle can bring while making some great memories!

If you’re short on ideas, here are a few to get you started:

  • Ride bikes through the park.

  • Visit the zoo.

  • Look up hiking trails near you and set out!

  • If you are brave and your children are old enough, check out a zipline adventure.

  • Grab some cardboard boxes and go sledding down a big, grassy hill.

  • Teach your children how to play kick the can, hopscotch and freeze tag.

  • Get out (or rent) the kayaks or paddleboards and travel down a local river or creek.

  • Create your own Summer Olympics and get all the neighborhood kids and parents involved. Sack races, egg toss, three-legged race and the wheelbarrow race are excellent backyard Olympic events.
  • Take your teens whitewater rafting.
  • Find a bridge, country road or local park and take a leisurely stroll.

Playing outside with your children is not only great exercise, it’s also a fantastic opportunity to bond as a family. If having outdoor family adventures is new for you, your kids may balk at first but once they experience the fun, they won’t want to stop. Are you up for the challenge?

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Serving Makes a Difference

Joe Bradford grew up without a father and lived in poverty. He was one of a few black students at a predominantly white school. As a result of a computer hacking crime, he went from standout college student to prison inmate fighting to stay alive.

After serving time at a maximum-security prison, Joe was diagnosed with severe kidney disease that left him permanently disabled. Unable to make a living, he moved into public housing, where the fatherless and oppressed neighborhood children won his heart.

Today, “Papa Joe” leads a diverse team of volunteers, offering aid and the message of hope to inner-city children and families in seven at-risk communities in the Nashville area through Elijah’s Heart.

“I heard the story of Joe’s life and thought to myself, ‘This story needs to be told and it would make a great movie,’” says Darren Moorman, co-producer of the movie Unconditional.

“We have all either been in a place of intense pain, are in a place of intense pain or we know someone who is in that place,” Moorman says. “No matter how dark your circumstances are, when you have the opportunity to help others, it makes you feel better even if your circumstances don’t immediately change.”

Unconditional, starring Michael Ealy, chronicles the life of a celebrated children’s author and illustrator named Sam.

Happily married, she lives with her husband on a ranch where she keeps her beloved horse.

Sam’s storybook life comes to a devastating end when her husband dies from a senseless act of violence. She loses her faith and her will to live. Grief-stricken, Sam plans to take her own life. However, a death-defying encounter with two children thwarts her plan and leads to a reunion with Joe Bradford, “Papa Joe,” her oldest friend.

This reunion sends Sam on a journey of reconciliation, second chances, forgiveness, sacrifice and the true meaning of unconditional love. Over time, she finds her will to live returning as she witnesses Papa Joe’s selfless dedication to Nashville’s forgotten children.

Just when you think you know what is coming next in the movie, the plot takes an unexpected twist that will have you sitting on the edge of your seat. Oh, and don’t forget the Kleenex.

“The film’s intent is not merely to entertain, but to inspire viewers to unite and serve in their own communities,” Moorman says. “We hope that after seeing this movie, people will realize that we all can do something to help others, especially the at-risk, fatherless children.”

This film shows how one person’s life can have a truly profound effect on the world around him and spark hope for others.

One person can make a difference for good. So can you.

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How You Can Father From a Distance

Many men find themselves trying to father from a distance due to work, divorce or military deployment. Fathering from a distance can be especially trying with celebrations, plays and concerts often occurring during the week. How can dads stay connected while they are away and not feel like a third wheel upon their return?

Brian Vander Werf travels almost every week for work. Even though his girls have never known a time when their dad was home all week, it is important to him to stay connected and in the loop while he is away.

“Before I leave, I make it a point to get with each of my girls to find out what is on their calendars for the week,” says Vander Werf. “I want to know about tests, ballgames, concerts or other events that are happening. I share with them where I will be and what is happening in my world that week, and I want them to know that even though I am away, they are important to me and I care about what is happening in their world. Also, I make sure I get my hugs in before I hit the road!”

When he travels, Vander Werf stays connected via texting and evening phone calls.

“There is no question that staying connected while I am on the road can be complicated,” Vander Werf says. “My girls are older and texting seems to be one of the best solutions at the moment. I have really struggled with it because that is not my thing and not my idea of a great way to connect, but it is definitely a big part of their world so I find myself texting back and forth a lot with the two of them.”

Do his girls know they can contact him throughout the day if they needed him? “Most definitely!” he says. “They know I am in tune and paying attention. I would want to know if something was up.”

Technologically, dads have lots of options for staying connected to their children. Here are some ways you can connect:

  • Let your child pick out a book for you to read together at a designated time each evening.
  • If you won’t be able to talk while you are away, create a video before you leave for them to watch while you are away. You could even hide it and leave clues behind so they have to search for the surprise.
  • Record yourself reading a book and leave it under your child’s pillow.
  • Write and hide messages in places you know they will be found throughout the week.
  • Write letters to your children and include something fun or crazy in the letter.
  • If they have a special event, arrange for flowers, pizza or a card to be delivered that day.

“Staying connected isn’t always easy,” Vander Werf says. “However, it is absolutely worth it! Even though I am out of town, my girls know I love and care about them.”

Image from Unsplash.com

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The Legacy of a Mother

It has been said that life is about leaving a legacy. Mother’s Day is a great time to celebrate the legacy of moms and those who have come alongside us as stand-in moms, whether for a season at college or life in general.

According to a 2017 study of 2,000 American moms with kids between 5 and 12, commissioned by Welch’s, being a mom is the equivalent of working at least 2 1/2 full-time jobs. The study found that a mom works an average of 98 hours per week. 

The average mom starts her day around 6:23 a.m. and doesn’t stop until 8:31 p.m. And, she is lucky to get an hour and seven minutes to herself each day. Four out of 10 moms said their lives feel like never-ending series of tasks all week.

This information made me think about my life as a mom and my mother’s life as she parented three children, many of those years on her own.

My brother Lee was two years older than I and my sister Diane is 5 years younger than I.

My mom was 22 years old when she had my brother, and the doctors said he had a 50/50 chance of survival. On day seven, they took him out of the incubator and sent him home. At 4 months old, Lee became diagnosed with cerebral palsy. The physicians said he would be a quadriplegic, unable to walk.

At 10 months, my mother suspected a hearing problem when she noticed that Lee did not respond when she called his name. A hearing test confirmed a severe to moderate hearing problem. Lee was enrolled at the speech and hearing center when he was 2, where they learned he had significant learning challenges.

Growing up, I witnessed my mom being a ferocious mama bear when it came to making sure my brother had what he needed to learn and grow.

My sister and I certainly were not neglected, but my brother had some pretty focused needs. My mom stepped completely out of her comfort zone to advocate for Lee and make a difference for many others who faced all kinds of challenges. At one point she was the statewide president of the association for children with learning disabilities. Not only did my brother learn to walk and talk, he also graduated from high school with a special diploma and went on to do great things.

Lee passed away at the age of 56, having lived an incredible life. Although he faced many challenges, nothing discouraged him from embracing and living life full-on. Though he was far from perfect in the world’s eyes, Lee took his opportunities very seriously. Whether volunteer coaching middle school football or basketball or taking people’s dirty dishes in the cafeteria at K-25 Gaseous Diffusion Plant in Oak Ridge, Lee was all in. One time his basketball team lost by one point at the buzzer. As the coaches assessed the situation outside the locker room, one of the coaches asked Lee what he thought. He looked up and said, “I did my job.” He loved people and became affectionately referred to as the Mayor of Oak Ridge.

After my brother passed away, I was thinking about my mom’s legacy. For 60 years of her life, I’m pretty positive my mom worked at least 2 1/2 full-time jobs as she parented the three of us. Even on the most challenging days, she just kept putting one foot in front of the other and carried on. My mom’s example made a profound impact on her family.

Watching my mom navigate life taught me how to be strong, passionate and relentless. I learned that taking risks and stepping out of your comfort zone is part of living a full life. Through her love of cooking and entertaining, I have carried on many of her traditions and started some of my own. I also learned the importance of doing things right the first time. And yes, to my horror, I have opened my mouth at times to say something and heard my mom’s words come out with a phrase I’m sure I swore I would never say to my child. Sometimes you just have to laugh, right?

Every year on Mother’s Day, we celebrate the legacy of moms, whether they gave birth, chose to adopt or became one in some other way. Sometimes motherhood can feel like a thankless job. Truth be told, it is the chance to give the gift of life and leave a powerful impression on children. To my mom, the women who have spoken into my life, and all of the moms and women who have filled the role of mom through the years: Thank you!

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10 Traps for First-Time Parents

It’s your first child. Naturally, you’re going to be highly motivated to pull out all the stops, learn all the tricks and be the “perfect” parent. Since your child doesn’t come with an owner’s manual, you’ll more than likely rely on friends, family, the internet and your own ideas about what’s appropriate and what to expect from your child.

Dr. Kevin Leman, author of First-Time Mom, says many first-timers who are trying to be great parents push their firstborn a little too hard. There’s a tendency to approach parenting from the perspective of raising the perfect child. Unfortunately, the child often gets buried underneath those high expectations and can feel as if they never measure up.

“Your firstborn child is already going to be highly motivated,” says Leman. “Instead of using conditional love and asking them to continually jump through new hoops, choose to be a nurturing, encouraging presence.”

Leman identifies 10 traps first-time parents often fall into:

A critical eye.

Be aware of your standard of behavior. When is the last time you had a perfect day? Children are the same way. Training takes time and the standard is not perfection. Accept your child as he is and recognize that he is not going to excel at everything.

Overcommitment.

Children want to be a part of a family and they want to identify with their home. When you choose to live an overcommitted life, you are training your child to identify her heart with what is outside the home.

Not enough Vitamin N. 

First-time parents often fall into the trap of thinking that they can make their child happier and better adjusted by what they give to their child and the experiences they provide for their child. Vitamin N stands for No! Too often, giving our child things becomes a substitute for being their parents.

Lack of Vitamin E.

One of the biggest myths today is the concern over self-esteem. Instead of telling your child how wonderful she is just for being a child, you want to teach your child to think in a constructive, positive manner. Esteem comes from accomplishing something and from giving something back. If a child learns how to do something and her parents comment about what a great job she did, she recognizes that the most significant people in my life – my mom and dad – notice what I’ve done and what I’ve accomplished and recognize that I have a role to play.

Playing the competition game.

Human development is not a race. Early development does not guarantee that a child will be above average her entire life. Instead of comparing your child, enjoy him.

Overexcitement.

As a first-time parent, you will go through many trials and anxieties for the first time. Babies do best with calm, confident parents. It gives them a sense of security, serenity and peace. Your baby will take his cues from you. Don’t treat minor instances like they are life and death occurrences.

Over-discipline. 

As a first-time parent you may not be as familiar with age-appropriate behavior. As a result, you’re more likely to over-discipline your child. Your goal is not to control your child, but to be in authority in a healthy way. One mother told how her 9-month-old walked up to the couch and grabbed some decorative pillows. The mom said she told her daughter not to throw them on the floor. The child looked her straight in the eyes and threw them on the floor. Instead of recognizing this as age-appropriate behavior, the mother viewed it as intentionally defiant behavior on the part of her child.

Under-discipline.

The flip side of over-discipline is letting your child do whatever they want without any consequences. With firstborns in particular, you need to lay out exactly what the age-appropriate rules are and follow up. Since firstborns don’t have an older sibling to model behavior, you must be specific about what you want them to do.

Letting other people raise your child.

It is too easy to give into your parents’ or in-laws’ advice. As a first time parent, it may take you awhile to assume your role as a full-fledged adult. You are the parent. No one knows your child better than you. Be responsible for the decisions you make in raising your child.

Allowing your child to be the center of the universe.

Up until age two a child’s favorite word is “mine,” which is totally appropriate. Past this age, teach children how to share and interact with a variety of other children. Teach your child to be aware of other people and not just selfishly barge ahead.

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

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8 Ways to Help Boys Become Men

When it comes to strength and courage, males have always dominated society. Therefore, it may surprise you that boys are having a hard time growing up and understanding what it really means to be a man.

In fact, research indicates that boys are in real trouble.

They receive lower grades than girls. Two-thirds of them have learning disabilities. Boys are the suspects in 8 out of 10 arrests for alcohol and drug charges. They are also responsible for more than 70 percent of juvenile crimes.

“You can’t go to a newsstand without seeing a steady stream of magazine articles questioning the role of males in today’s society,” says Dr. Kirk Walker, retired headmaster at McCallie School. “It is rare that you pick up a newspaper without reading of the problems males are experiencing and causing – and most of the articles concentrate on the problems facing adolescent males. Something is amiss and the national statistics are chilling.

“Six-year-old boys who kill do not have a relationship with strong adults who can rescue them. In most boys’ lives, human moments and interactions are gradually being replaced with electronic ones; the power of the human touch replaced by a touchpad. The values of honesty, integrity and responsibility are replaced with the values of popular culture. A culture dominated by fame, sex and violence.”

Tim McGraw’s hit song Grown Men Don’t Cry says, “I don’t know why they say grown men don’t cry.” Actually, there are a number of people questioning why our society teaches boys it is not okay to cry.

Michael Thompson’s book, Raising Cain, stresses that it is critical for parents to give their boys permission to have a full range of human emotions – including permission to cry. Thompson believes that helping boys develop an emotional vocabulary helps them to better understand themselves and to communicate better with others. These skills will help them develop into well-rounded adults.

Dr. William Pollack, author of Real Boys, agrees with Thompson. He says that boys are beginning to question the double standard of masculinity. That double standard pushes boys and men to choose between being the kind of tough, competitive, unfeeling, uncommunicative man traditionally celebrated as “masculine” (the boy code) and being the kind of open, expressive, egalitarian man now heralded as ideal by much of contemporary society.

“If we don’t let our boys cry tears, they’ll cry bullets,” says Pollack.

“Depriving boys of the opportunity and encouragement to grow beyond the strict guidelines of the ‘boy code’ leaves many boys with an impoverished repertoire of emotions, a sense of shame at their weakness, sadness, anger and aggression,” Walker says. “Some have said that we are in an ‘anger epidemic.’ The boys feel fragile and respond to that feeling by hurting themselves and others.”

Walker believes that parents as well as the community-at-large play a critical role in the lives of boys.

Adolescent boys are not “guided missiles.” Instead, they’re “guidance-seeking” missiles. Boys need and want positive role models to help them define themselves.

If you want to help boys in the journey from boyhood to manhood, here’s what Thompson encourages:

  • Recognize and accept the high activity level of boys and give them safe places to express it.
  • Talk to boys in their language in a way that honors their pride and masculinity.
  • Be direct with them.
  • Let them solve problems and be consultants.
  • Teach boys that emotional courage is courage. Courage and empathy are the sources of real strength in life.
  • Use discipline to build character and conscience, not enemies.
  • Model a manhood of emotional attachment.
  • Teach boys there are many ways to be a man.

“It is our responsibility to break the stereotype of what the popular culture defines as a ‘real’ man,” Walker says. “It is our responsibility to help a boy learn to be ‘real’ and to be a man. And it is our responsibility to help a boy define his self-worth in ways that are worthwhile to his community and to himself.”

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