Tag Archive for: Parents

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How to Balance Marriage and Children

Some couples marry and have lots of time to nurture their relationship before children come along. Other couples marry and bring children into the marriage relationship immediately. Either way, when children enter the picture, the marriage relationship often resembles two ships passing in the night, and finding your balance between your marriage and children can be hard.

There’s no question that parenting focuses a lot of energy and love toward the children. And sometimes it becomes a challenge to have anything left for your spouse.

While research indicates that marital satisfaction decreases when you have children, it doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel. Many assume that after children come along, the kids should be the main focus. But studies show that child-centered marriages are most at risk for distress. Focusing on building a strong marriage is a wonderful thing to give your children… and yourself. But, any parent can tell you that’s easier said than done!

In many instances both spouses are running 90 to nothing trying to juggle the kids, work, take care of household duties and care for their marriage. If couples don’t have their guard up, tyranny of the urgent can push date night to the bottom of the list in a flash.

“If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong—your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life,” says Elizabeth Pantley, mother, author and parenting expert.

Being intentional about taking care of your marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. Pantley offers some helpful (and free) tips to help you balance marriage and children that don’t require extra hours in your day.

  • Look for the good and overlook the bad. When you’re tired and stressed, it’s easy to focus on the negative. Train yourself to look for the good qualities in your spouse.

  • Give two compliments every day. Life often gets so crazy that you might think something like, “She sure looks pretty in that outfit,” or “I really appreciate the ways he engages our children,” without actually saying it. Think about how you feel when you receive a compliment. They aren’t hard to give and they don’t cost a dime.

  • Pick your battles. It’s easy to fall into the trap of fighting over silly things that truly won’t matter 24 hours from now. Before you gear up for battle, ask yourself if this is really a big deal. In many instances the answer is no.

  • Be intentional about spending time with your spouse. It might be early in the morning or in the evening after you’ve put the children to bed, or even better—a date night! This is the hardest part because the tyranny of the urgent typically reigns. Some parents have formed a co-op where they take turns taking care of each other’s children in order to allow for couple time.

While loving your children is important, making time for each other should be at the top of the list. After all, the heart of the family is marriage and it’s really important to keep that focus. Even though it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, your children will become adults in the blink of an eye. Then they’ll start their own families and it’ll just be the two of you again.

 ***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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4 Tips for Becoming a Team in Marriage

Becoming a team in marriage can be tough. After you marry, who should you approach first as your confidant, to ask for an opinion or to work through an issue? Your spouse or your parents? Many couples wrestle with this in the early stages of marriage.

One woman shared that she resented her husband of two years going to his mother about everything. He responded that he is closer to his mother and that she knows him better.

“My husband and I dealt with this in the first few years of our marriage,” says marriage educator, wife and mother, Gena Ellis. “When I showed up on my parents’ doorstep, my mother told me to go home. She said I didn’t live there anymore and I needed to go home to my husband. My husband was not being mean or hurting me. I was just spoiled and mad that things weren’t going my way, so I ran home to Mama. I am grateful my mom set these boundaries.”

Even though you love your spouse, learning how to get along together and grow your trust level takes time.

“I think a lot of men don’t realize how their relationship with their mom can lead to their wife’s insecurity in the marriage relationship,” says marriage coach Dr. David Banks. 

“For example, many well-intentioned men do not realize that confiding in mom after getting married is like being traded from one sports team to another and going back to your former coach for advice. This actually works against building trust in the marriage and figuring out how to rely on each other.”

Both Ellis and Banks agree that parents should receive, raise and ultimately, release their children.

“It is truly in a couple’s best interest if parents are a safety net rather than the first line of defense,” Ellis says. “If your adult child is having trouble ‘cutting the apron strings,’ helping him/her do that provides the best chance of a healthy and successful marriage. It is not helpful to say things like, ‘You will always have a room here.’ Or, ‘If she starts treating you bad, you just come home to Mama.’”

If you are a newlywed, Banks and Ellis offer these tips as you leave your parents and join forces with your spouse.

  • First, sit down together and talk about what it means to be a team.
  • Resist the urge to run to your parents at every turn. Set healthy boundaries for you as the couple and for your parents. Constantly turning to your parents creates difficulty in building trust and confidence in each other.
  • Watch the influences you allow around your marriage. People who have a negative view of marriage don’t typically help you to build a healthy relationship with your spouse. In other words, you may have hung out with people before marriage that you should see less often now.
  • Consider attending a marriage enrichment class. There are great tools to help you build a strong, lasting marriage.

“Loyalty is foundational to a healthy marriage team,” Banks says. “You may feel like your parents know you better and can offer better advice. But think of your marriage as your new team. Even though your old team knows you better, your job now is to make sure your new team knows you. This isn’t about giving up your relationship with your parents. It is about creating a new system where there is balance and everyone understands their appropriate role.”

 ***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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Is Date Night Dead?

Is date night dead? Date night may need some serious resuscitation. Redbook magazine found that 45 percent of couples rarely have date nights, while only 18 percent said they go out once a month.

This is sad news, since marriage experts say you can keep your marriage strong, healthy and adventuresome by spending regular time together doing something you both enjoy. Couples who intentionally spend time together often marvel at the positive impact it has on their marriage and family.

An astonishing 80 percent of marriages crumble, but it’s not because of something huge. It’s because they say they have become disconnected.

According to The Date Night Opportunity, a report by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project, couples who devote time specifically to one another at least once a week are way more likely to enjoy high-quality relationships and lower divorce rates.

How can a simple date actually help a marriage? 

Researchers say date nights provide opportunities to talk that may help couples deepen their understanding of one another and the relationship. Couples who engage in new activities that are fun, active or otherwise arousing — from hiking to dancing to travel to card games — enjoy higher levels of relationship quality. They also counteract the tendency to take each other for granted. Regular date nights may especially benefit couples who do more than the old standby of dinner and a movie.

Date nights may also:

  • Strengthen or rekindle that romantic spark in order to sustain the fires of love.
  • Strengthen a couple’s sense of commitment to one another. Partners who put each other first, steer clear of other romantic opportunities and cultivate a strong sense of “we-ness” or togetherness are happier than less-committed couples.
  • Relieve stress. They allow a couple to enjoy time away from the pressing concerns of their ordinary life.
  • Give couples an opportunity to support one another emotionally in trying times.

The report found that couples who spend time together at least weekly:

  • Are about three times more likely to say they are “very happy” in their marriages;
  • Report higher levels of communication and commitment;
  • Express higher satisfaction with their sexual relationship than couples who spend less couple time together.

If you haven’t been planning date nights, maybe you could try it out for the next six weeks. Consider setting aside an hour or two each week for a little adventure. If you don’t have a clue where to start or just need some fresh ideas, here are some tips.

Agree not to talk about the kids, your job or the in-laws. You don’t have to spend a ton of money – just play together! At the end of the six weeks, discuss any changes you have experienced in your relationship.

“Couple time” can make a serious difference in your relationship. Try it and see for yourself.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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Spring Break Staycation

Staying home doesn't have to be boring!

Almost everyone looks forward to spring break! For those who have a trip planned, the impatience and excitement are probably palpable. But, if you’re not going out of town, you might be anxious about the idea of planning fun activities for your “staycation.”

In this day and age, frugal, fun and free entertainment for your children for an entire week is not always easy to find. You probably already know your way around the area, so you won’t be stressed about spending a lot of money. And, there really are a lot of things for a family to do that cost next to nothing.

For starters, pull the family together and brainstorm ideas for your break. If your children are old enough, let them figure out all of the things they can do within your budget. This could be a great life lesson (you don’t have to tell them that) about getting to do a lot of things that cost a little money or one big thing that blows the entire wad.

If they think they’ve already done everything there is to do nearby, you might suggest a few tried and true fun things to do such as:

  • A photo scavenger hunt. Come up with a list of things they have to find or do, and take pictures to document their find. Since there are no more phone booths to stuff into, you’ll have to get creative about what you ask them to do. Pinterest can help you with that.
  • Make kites. You can find everything you need at a craft store.
  • Build a fort in your family room. This is great for a rainy day. Grab blankets and sheets and throw them over furniture, card tables, chairs, etc., to build your fort. Have a picnic inside the fort when you finish.
  • Make playdough or goo. It’s easy to make and everybody loves the stuff! (At least the kids do…)
  • Go camping in the backyard. If you don’t own a tent, borrow one and have a camp out in the backyard complete with S’mores.
  • Pack a picnic and head out for the day. There are plenty of great parks in the area. Pack your quilt, Frisbee, Whiffle ball and bat, and enjoy a relaxing day at the park.
  • Build an obstacle course in the backyard or through the house. Let the kids build it and time you as you go through it.
  • Volunteer somewhere as a family. Find someone in your community who could use some assistance with their yard or planting a garden.
  • Just hang out. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out at the house for spring break. You aren’t a bad parent if every minute of the week isn’t scheduled. It’s actually good for children to have unscheduled time where they have to figure out how to entertain themselves.

Keep a journal together and take pictures throughout your week. Then, put it all together in a picture collage or scrapbook. It will help you remember the memories you create and it makes for great stories around the dinner table.

Image from Unsplash.com

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Tips for Creating a Family Safety Plan

In a matter of days there has been a mass shooting at a Florida school, a drive-by shooting at a local eatery and bar, and a tragic accident resulting in a young mother’s death. Some say these events make them want to go somewhere and hide. Unfortunately, running away from it all is not an option for most people, but you can take steps to help keep your family members safe. And creating a family safety plan is a great step in the right direction.

We have all been taught to “stop, drop and roll” in the event of a fire, and for years we have taught children about stranger danger in an effort to avoid child abductions. Now, ready.gov says we should be ready to “run, hide and fight.”

Although the thought of having this discussion with your kids can make you sad, talking about it and sharing ways your children can protect themselves may help them feel more secure. Your discussion will certainly vary based on age, however.

For elementary-age children, the American School Counselor Association recommends the following for making a family safety plan:

  • Try to keep routines as normal as possible. Children gain security from the predictability of routine, including attending school.
  • Limit a younger child’s exposure to television and the news. This is actually good for adults as well.
  • Be honest and share as much information as your child is developmentally able to handle. Listen to their fears and concerns. Reassure them that the world is a good place to be, but there are people who do bad things.

For older tweens and teens, specifically talk with them about how to take action should they find themselves in danger.

For example, if they see something, they should say something. Show them how to be aware of their environment and to notice anything that looks out of the ordinary.

In addition to these things, you can make a family plan to ensure everyone anticipates what they would do if confronted with an active shooter or some other type of violent situation. Look for the two nearest exits anywhere you go – the mall, a movie theater or restaurant – and have an escape path in mind or identify places you could hide.

If you ever find yourself in an active shooter situation, getting away from the danger is the top priority.

Leave your belongings behind and get away. Help others escape, if possible, but evacuate regardless of whether others agree to follow. Warn and prevent individuals from entering an area where the active shooter may be. Call 911 when you are safe, and describe the shooter, location and weapons if you can.

If you can’t escape, hide.

Get out of the shooter’s view and stay very quiet. Silence all electronic devices and make sure they won’t vibrate. Lock and block doors, close blinds and turn off lights. Don’t hide in groups – spread out along walls or hide separately to make it more difficult for the shooter. Try to communicate silently with police. Use text messaging or social media to tag your location, or put a sign in a window. Stay in place until law enforcement gives you the all-clear. Your hiding place should be out of the shooter’s view and provide protection if shots are fired in your direction.

As a last resort, fight.

Commit to your actions and act as aggressively as possible against the shooter. Recruit others to ambush the shooter with makeshift weapons like chairs, fire extinguishers, scissors, books, etc. Throw items to distract and disarm the shooter, and be prepared to cause severe or fatal injury to the shooter.

Clearly, this sensitive and intense topic should be handled with the utmost care. You know your family and what is in their best interest. These are trying times for everyone, so make sure you take the time to listen to your children. Encourage them to ask questions and to share their thoughts and feelings. Watch for any changes in their behavior, too, because stress and anxiety can show themselves in different ways depending on the child.

Our world has changed, and many are experiencing a level of fear and anxiety that has not been present before. Sticking our heads in the sand or being unprepared is not constructive, and although accidents happen and you can’t prepare for everything, the best offense may be a good defense. Just as “stop, drop and roll” has saved many lives, learning protective strategies to implement and creating a family safety plan in the event of violence can also make an impact.

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Body Image and Your Kids

Did you know that nearly half of girls ages 3 to 6 worry about being fat, and about one-third would change a physical attribute, such as their weight or hair color? That’s what Stacey Tantleff-Dunn found when she conducted a study at the University of Central Florida.

Girls and boys of all ages feel bombarded with messages of how they should look and what defines beauty. Based on these definitions, they begin a lifelong quest to be beautiful – often doing unhealthy things that could impact them for the rest of their lives.

“Between movies, television shows and airbrushed photos in magazines showing women with ‘perfect bodies,’ impressionable young girls get the idea that it just isn’t acceptable to be anything but a size 6 or smaller,” says Pamela Kelle, licensed nutritionist and registered dietician.

“What many don’t realize is what they see on the screen isn’t real. Their body was never intended to be that size, yet they go on fad diets and do all kinds of obsessive workout routines to get themselves down to their dream weight. The only problem is, even when they get to the size they wanted to be there is still this small voice inside saying, ‘It’s not good enough.’”

Just recently, CVS Health stated they would stop significant image touch-ups in its advertising for beauty products. The company said it has a responsibility to think about sending messages of unrealistic body images to girls. From this point forward, they become committed to not “materially” altering photos used in stores, on websites and on social media by changing a model’s shape, size, skin or eye color or wrinkles. They will use a watermark to highlight materially unaltered images beginning this year.

“There is a connection between unrealistic body images and bad health effects, especially in girls and young women,” says Helena Foulkes, president of the pharmacy division at CVS.

“At every turn, sometimes even in the home, teens become bombarded with negative messages about how they look,” Kelle says. “I strongly encourage parents to be aware of how they talk about food and weight. Many parents talk negatively about their own looks. Teen girls pick up on this and often internalize it. If mom doesn’t think she looks good, the daughter thinks she must not look good either. The goal for our kids should be overall health, not a certain weight.”

You can protect your kids from the dangerous lies in the culture. If you want to teach your children about healthy body image, Kelle’s tips can help you out:

  • Encourage and model healthy eating and exercise;
  • Provide healthy foods and nutritious meals consumed by the whole family;
  • Don’t talk negatively about your own body; and
  • Don’t expect perfection.

All their lives, women hear things like, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts,” and “You can’t judge a book by its cover”. Nonetheless, they are bombarded by messages that say looks are the most important thing. As parents, we have to be conscious about the messages we are sending to our kids – both girls and boys.

Imagine a museum visitor tumbling right into a valuable, centuries-old painting at a busy exhibition.

It actually happened on a visit to a Leonardo da Vinci-themed show when a young boy was so intently focused on the piece of art that he stumbled. As he tried to steady himself, he tore a hole “the size of a fist” in a $1.5 million artwork. Do you think they threw the valuable piece of art in the dumpster? No. They recognized its value and began work to restore it to its original beauty.

It would be a really good thing if we could help our children see themselves for the valuable, irreplaceable masterpieces they are. We all come in different colors, shapes and sizes, and we are all distinctly different from anyone else. That’s not a bad thing, it’s actually a beautiful thing.

Looking for more? Watch this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

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Easy Ways to Help Your Child Develop Fine Motor Skills

As a parent, you might be in too much of a hurry if:

  • You talk on the phone when your child tells you about their day;
  • Your kids eat most meals in the car;
  • You dress your child when she can dress herself – buttoning, zipping, finding her coat, etc;
  • Your child constantly hears, “Are you ready?” or “Hurry up!”;
  • Your child never completes a project at play time;
  • You don’t have time to read to your child or let him/her read to you; and
  • You don’t have enough time to talk with and listen to him/her.

Why does this matter? All of these activities help your child develop fine motor skills critical for reading and writing.

“In order for a child to develop holistically, fine motor skills are very important,” says Lu Lewis, early childhood educator. “When you slow down and allow your child to do the activities listed above, you allow him to learn eye-hand coordination. His hands and eyes learn to work together. For example, when you give a child something to cut out, their eyes see what you want them to cut and their hands cut what their eyes see.”

Even simple things like a baby grasping for an object is a fine motor skill.

When a parent always gives the rattle to the baby, it robs them of an opportunity to learn this skill.

“A mom once asked me if it was bad if she didn’t play with her child all the time,” Lewis says. “In today’s society, I think many people believe they are not being good parents if they are not always entertaining their child. The truth is your child needs to play for a period of time with an object in order to complete a play cycle and concentrate to the point that it is etched into their long-term memory. Many educators see children in their classroom who are always dependent on an adult to complete a project for them because they have never completed a project by themselves.”

Believe it or not, helping your child develop fine motor skills is not complicated.

Just including your child in your day can help develop these skills. Folding laundry, talking with your child as you cook, letting him walk with you to the mailbox and allowing him to open the mailbox and grab the mail, asking him to get a pan or utensil for you, and allowing him to play in the tub with toys are all activities that help to naturally develop these necessary skills.

“Most parents I work with really want their child to do well,” Lewis says. “Sometimes parents do things they believe are helping their child when they are actually hindering their development. The number one thing I would tell parents is to slow down, relax and let your child truly experience life.”

In addition to including your child in your daily activities, Lewis encourages parents to:

  • Walk with your child down the street and count bricks or pick dandelions.
  • Encourage them to sit at the kitchen table while you fix dinner and string beads or sort blocks by color instead of watching television or playing on the computer.
  • Incorporate time for your child to play every day.

“Learning is a human endeavor,” Lewis says. “It takes place from one human to another and it requires your most precious commodity, time.”

For more insight on parenting, download our E-book “4 ways to stay connected after Baby” Download Here

Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

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Holiday Traditions

When you think about celebrating the holidays, what traditions comes to mind? Baking gingerbread men with your children? Taking the entire family to cut down the family tree the day after Thanksgiving? Or maybe, it’s the extended family progressive dinner that takes place every Christmas Eve.

“Traditions are often what make the holidays meaningful,” says Dr. Susan Hickman, clinical psychologist. “They are like the support beams for a building, communicating to children that in all the rush and seemingly randomness of our lives, there are still some things we hold sacred which remain relatively unchanged over the years.”

These annual celebrations create memories and bring generations together. They give families a structure around which to organize time and events since people are much more likely to take family photos and “rehearse” what transpired as they look back on the photographs and videos.

In an informal survey, we asked about meaningful traditions. Here are a few of the responses.

Many years ago, Betty Bergin began collecting antique crystal candlesticks – one for each of her four children. As children have started their own families, the Bergins have loved finding the crystal treasure that best represents each new addition to the family. Every Christmas Day, the candlesticks fill the center of their Christmas table. When their oldest son found his life mate, he announced it by giving them a crystal candlestick.

“What a precious memory that is to me, that at 31, he saw value in our tradition,” says Bergin.

“My favorite holiday tradition as a child was getting to open one present on Christmas Eve,” says Anne Hooser. “It was the same gift every year – a brand new nightgown. I remember when I was in my late twenties and had not been home for Christmas in many years, my mother sent me a present to be ‘opened Christmas Eve.’ It was a brand new nightgown! When I opened it up I just felt loved.”

For more than 50 years, Lorena Garza Gonzalez’s family has re-enacted the journey of Joseph and Mary in the traditional Mexican “Posada.” Now their children and friends of all ethnic backgrounds and ages help, share and sing to celebrate the occasion, which is followed with tamales, menudo, frijoles borrachos, and many sweet-pleasers.

“Traditions are so important in family,” says Gonzalez. “This is one I hope my children will continue for years to come.”

Special celebrations give families the time and place to discuss what is important to them.

“We often hear people talk about wanting to avoid getting into any discussions that might create conflict at these types of gatherings,” Hickman says. “Some of the best family discussions I can recall occurred during our holiday traditional celebrations. Sometimes there was conflict, but conflict isn’t always bad. Just because people disagree doesn’t mean it has to escalate into a fight or that you don’t love each other. In fact, when children see family members handle conflict appropriately, it is a great lesson for them.”

Consider ways you can incorporate holiday traditions, whether old or new, into your celebrations. It just might keep you focused on the things that really matter. For every family the traditions are different, but they all allow for a greater sense of shared identity and meaning. There is something very comforting about being able to think ahead and anticipate participating in a longstanding family tradition.

Image from Unsplash.com

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