4 Ways to Feel More Connected to Your Spouse
A look that needs no explanation, a touch on the arm that says I love you, an unexpected hug because even though you think you’re hiding it well—your spouse knows you need it. Pretty much all of the warm and fuzzies happen when you feel connected to your spouse. And there’s nothing quite like that feeling.
Having a deep connection with your partner enriches your marriage and makes it fulfilling. The understanding you have between each other, the romance, and delighting in the little things (like waking up together) always feels more natural when you feel connected to your sweetheart.
Sometimes, it can feel a little challenging to connect when other things in life keep popping up and vying for your attention. But don’t get discouraged, there are little things you can do each day to pull your spouse a little closer even when you’re apart.
Ways To Feel More Connected To Your Spouse:
1. Embrace the Micro-Moments of love.
You don’t need a grandiose plan to show the tenderness you feel towards your spouse. Think small and build from that. When you pass each other in the kitchen, touch each other. If you go to work, whether at the same or different times, kiss each other goodbye, say “I love you.” Write a note and stick in a lunch box, on the mirror or hide it somewhere you know your partner will find it. You could write a compliment, a note of anticipation to be together again—the options are endless. Send a text just because without any agenda beyond the desire to connect. (Don’t ask about what’s for dinner or bring up something they are responsible to do.) These small moments of connection can go a long way and they don’t take more than 30 seconds to do.
2. Rekindle the flame with a nickname.
It may sound funny at first, but whispering sweet nothings in your spouse’s ear can spark a smile, a kiss… maybe something more. Taking a moment to show adoration and endearment with a simple “honey,” “sweetie,” “boo,” maybe even “sexy,” or “hot stuff.”
Grab their attention, tell them you love them, and take a few moments to bask in who they are. Flirt with your spouse! Takes a little more effort, but anything worth your time does. Change your usual, “How was your day?” to “I’d love to make your day even better ;),” and choose what that connection looks like.
3. Do a task or chore for your spouse.
The catch is to not point it out, bring it up, or expect recognition. Do this as a reminder to yourself that you care for your spouse, that you’d go out of your way for them. Plus, if you had time to do something they normally do, by getting it out of the way, you’ve made more time to be together!
4. Be Intentional.
Being connected to your spouse means you make your interactions count. (That may mean being intentional amidst all your busyness and being sure they happen.) Run an errand with them. Ask them to run an errand with you. Make those car conversations count. Go for a walk around the block together. Tell them to dress up fancy for a night in or out.
Another way to be intentional is through conversation. Instead of saying “I like your outfit,” say, “That color is so flattering on you—it brings out your eyes.” Or when your partner is about to leave for work change, “Have a great day at work!” to “I’m so proud of you, you have such a skill for what you do!” These verbal affirmations communicate that you’re paying attention to what’s going on behind the scenes.
When your partner is telling you about their day, opening up about how they’re feeling, exploring a new topic for conversation, try giving them your full attention and some verbal affirmations. Not only will it show them that you’re present, but it’ll also show that you take interest in them, are still curious and want to know more about who they are today. Ask open-ended questions, “What got you interested in this?” “How can I be there for you?”
These 4 little ways to feel more connected to your spouse can make a big difference in your relationship! In marriage, the pursuit for each other never stops. You fall in love with each other over and over again as you continue to change and go through new experiences and seasons. If you want to try a new experience or need help sparking some conversation, we have some great free date nights you can do at home—check them out here! The two of you have a daily opportunity to express the love you share, and the more love you share, the more connected you’ll feel!
Some bonus blogs to keep that connection going!
- 3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage
- The 3 Most Important Things You Should Do for Your Spouse
- 10 Dates Every Couple Must Do Before Summer Ends
- 5 Days to Better Communication In Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
There are a lot of answers to questions I don’t want to find out: How long can my car run without an oil change? Would anyone notice if I walked out of the house wearing a crop-top?
And if you were to ask me, “Can a marriage survive without intimacy?” I’d tell you I wouldn’t want to find out. But then I’d ask, “Is that really what you mean?”
Because there’s a big difference between surviving and thriving. I can survive wearing a crop-top out in public, but I sure as heck wouldn’t thrive (at least how I picture myself thriving).
Do you want a surviving marriage or a thriving marriage?
Show me a thriving marriage, and I can’t help but show you a marriage chock full of intimacy.
People sometimes mean different things when they say intimacy. Some refer to emotional intimacy, that affectionate, emotional connection with your spouse.
Others take intimacy to mean, well, sex.
And both would be right. If you do some research, you will find that these are two sides of the same coin and that emotional connection and sexual connection are inextricably linked. The quality of one has an effect on the quality of the other.
Here’s what I mean: Jack thinks there’s a lack of physical intimacy in his marriage to Jill; sex has become mundane and much less frequent. Jill’s not too bothered by this, but believes that there’s a lack of emotional intimacy; they just don’t communicate and connect on a deep level. Jack doesn’t know much about that; he’s just hoping tonight might finally be the night.
What Jack and Jill might want to know is that neither physical nor emotional intimacy just happens. You have to work at both with intention and gusto.
And when Jack and Jill take the time to connect on an emotional level, their sex life can experience an uptick. Conversely, putting some more effort into their sexual relationship can easily deepen the level and bolster the volume of their emotional connection.
I like to think of it like this: building up intimacy in your marriage is like pedaling a bicycle. One pedal is emotional intimacy and the other is physical intimacy. Pushing one pedal forward brings the other around ready to be pushed. Repeat the cycle (see what I did there?) and you quickly gain momentum and acceleration.
And there are two things I know about pedaling a bicycle: it takes work, but the more you gain momentum, the easier it becomes to push the pedals. The same goes for emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.
So how do you push those pedals to build intimacy in your marriage so that it will thrive?
Make small connections throughout the day.
Key times are when you wake in the morning, before you leave for the day, when you come back together at the end of the day, and before you go to bed. Connect by bringing a cup of coffee in the morning, a goodbye hug, a hello kiss, asking, “How was your day?” Leaving love notes, or watching a funny show before bed. You choose your rhythm and kind of connection. Small things count big with intimacy.
Carve out time to spend with your spouse.
Shoot for one date-time a week, even if it’s at home with microwaved pizza watching a RomCom. Establish some basic rules: no cell phones, no talking family business, no kids in the same room (or floor, or house). Just be with each other.
Plan sex.
Have a Sex Schedule. Yes, you read that right. Plan the nights you’re going to have sex. This has worked wonders in my marriage. Scheduled sex helps my wife (who needs to warm up to the idea of sex sometimes) to anticipate it ahead of time. And it helps me (who needs no warming up whatsoever) to avoid wondering when the next time will be and to initiate with the confidence that I won’t be met with rejection. (A couple of caveats to scheduled sex: our rules are that either of us can call an audible and ask for a raincheck for any reason. And, unscheduled, spontaneous sex is certainly never off the table!)
Dedicate to communicate daily.
Talk, talk, talk. Try to go beyond casual conversation and go deeper with personal insights, feelings, dreams, and needs. Much of our communication is like a small business meeting: Did you pay the water bill? Are you driving Little Man to practice? Google “Questions that build intimacy” and have some pillow talk. Listen twice as much as you speak. Learn more about active listening here.
Can a marriage survive without intimacy? The truth is, yes it can, BUT it doesn’t have to. Even if you find yourself in a hard place right now where your marriage feels empty and neglected, you can commit yourself to do something different. Push one pedal and then the other. I repeat: it takes work and some time. Sometimes, one spouse in the relationship has to do the bulk of the pedaling before the other catches on. But it’s worth it. Plenty of couples have been where you are, changed up the dance, and would wholeheartedly tell you it’s worth the energy and effort to have a happy, healthy, intimate, thriving marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage
I have good news for you: an exciting sex life is salvageable and well within your reach for you and your spouse.
Here are three ways you and your spouse can take your sexual relationship from mundane to mind-blowing:
1. Don’t make fun the point of sex.
Wait, what? Did he just say that? Isn’t fun the point? Yes, I did, and no, it isn’t! It seems counterintuitive and requires a change in your thinking. Zack Brittle, certified therapist and blogger for the Gottman Institute, says sex isn’t just about the act itself (or at least it’s not all about the act), but rather it’s about sharing the body, mind, and soul as a couple. Sex is about connecting, bolstering intimacy, and exercising vulnerability with the one you’ve chosen to love the most. It’s a part of your relationship that’s meant to strengthen your relationship.
If the attention to your sex life with your spouse is centered merely on fun, you forget the overall essential role sex plays in your marriage, and the irony is that fun becomes a casualty. Focusing on connecting with your spouse in your sex life goes beyond the fun; it makes sex better.
And here’s where it becomes even more ironic: when you do focus on connection, sex becomes a lot more fun, adventuresome, and playful! (For a more in-depth look at the relationship between sex and intimacy, check out our Marriage Course: Discover Deeper Intimacy In Your Marriage!)
2. Dedicate to communicate.
Say it with me: Communication affects the sex. (Doesn’t that rhyme nicely?) Couples who struggle with communication struggle with other areas of their marriage, including their sex life; it’s all connected. But those who work on better, healthier ways to communicate thoughts, feelings, and needs with each other experience more connection, friendship, and intimacy. And this, as we’ve learned, is directly correlated with healthy (and fun) sex!
There are many resources out there for improving marital communication (see the links below for some great advice), but what I would emphasize to you here is frequency and depth of communication. Strive to communicate on a daily basis with your spouse, and aim for deeper levels of conversation than simply small talk. Work on communicating your opinions, dreams, ideas, needs, and emotions with each other — and listening to those of your spouse without value judgment. Simply listen to understand and draw closer to the one you love the most.
One more thing needs to be said about communication and sex.
Working on your marital communication is vital; however, marital sex is even better when you work on talking about sex. According to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, only 91% of couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another report sexual dissatisfaction. (So, Salt-N-Pepa had it right when they rapped “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…” back in the 90s.)
Talking with your spouse about what turns you on, your interests and preferences, vulnerabilities, and sexual playfulness can be uncomfortable for many. But the good news is that it’s a learned skill that can greatly increase your comfort level. In her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, therapist Michele Weiner-Davis says the right way to approach conversations about sex with your spouse is very much akin to approaching healthy conversation all around: Pick a time you both feel ready to talk; don’t talk when you’re tired, angry, or in a bad mood; pick a safe, comfortable environment; use “I” messages and talk about what you want rather than criticize. The more you wade into the discomfort of talking about sex, the more comfortable and natural it quickly becomes.
3. Super-glue your marriage — including your sex life — to the top of the priority scale.
This is crucial, especially if you have children (of any age) running around your house. Life is busy, schedules are hectic, money is tight. Attention to your marriage and your spouse must supersede these potential speed bumps. A wise person once said, “Show me your calendar and your checkbook, and I’ll show you what’s important to you.”
Set reminders on your phone to leave love notes. Schedule date times. Adjust your monthly budget to include some funds — even if it’s a small amount — toward nicer dinners (alone) or romantic gifts. ☆ Pay attention to your spouse’s love language — how is it that they feel most loved? Work out childcare with family or neighbors so you can get two hours alone with your spouse. Trade babysitting services with another parent — you’ll watch their kids one night and they’ll watch yours another.
Prioritizing your marriage doesn’t take doing anything elaborate.
It’s the small things that build and grow a marriage. But it has a direct and powerful impact on your sexual relationship. Foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom; rather, the turn-ons, attractions, and mood-making happen during continual moments of boosting your spouse to the top of your priority list.
Fun, playful sex is within the reach of you and your spouse, and you can bounce boredom out the window with some simple, intentional strategies. So here’s your assignment: Pursue your spouse. (No, not in a creepy, follow-them-around-all-day kind of way.)
- Remember when you were first dating, and there was nothing in your focus except this person?
- Remember how things were fun, but that wasn’t the point — you were just wanting to be together and get to know them better?
- Do you remember how you talked and talked, and actually listened with interest?
- And remember how you set the time and energy to be with that person, and it didn’t matter that you had to wake up early the next morning, or that you were tired from the work day, or that you barely had any cash in the account?
Pursue your spouse like this, and watch your marriage—including your sex life—be rejuvenated and energized.
Great articles for improving your marital communication:
- Communicating Effectively
- Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage
- 6 Tips to Have a Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse
- The Importance of MeaningLESS Conversations
- Talk to Me Like Lovers Do – Date Night Video
Also:
10 Things Every Couple Needs to Know About Sex
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
10 Things Every Married Couple Needs to Know About Sex
Everyone knows how to do “it,” but few people know the secrets to body-aching, soul-connecting, “I feel closer to you than ever” sex. What if sex wasn’t just doing it? What if sex was more satisfying physically AND emotionally? (Maybe it wouldn’t only be a Saturday night thing?) Here are 10 things EVERY married couple needs to know about sex.
1. Foreplay Begins With Each New Day.
Great sex starts outside the bedroom, long before the first button is unbuttoned. If sex is the high point of how the bodies and emotions of two people become connected—start that connection early and often, without expecting sex (or anything) in return.
Connect Emotionally: Listen, share feelings, do the dishes, help with the kids, don’t nag, give a sincere compliment, say “thank you.”
Connect Physically: Hold hands, give a quick shoulder rub, sit with your arms around each other. (In other words, sex shouldn’t be the only time you touch.)
2. Do Your Sex Homework.
- Know what turns you on!
- Know what turns your spouse on!
- What kills sex dead for you?
- What kills sex dead for your spouse?
- Talk with your spouse about these questions.
(This takes the guesswork out of sex.)
3. Talk About Sex.
Talk about your sex life, what you like, what you don’t like, and what you’d like to try. Do some things make you uncomfortable? Are there things your spouse could do that might make sex better? What brings you sexual fulfillment? How often would you each like to have sex?
(This DISCOVER INTIMACY TOOLKIT can get those conversations started.)
4. New Is For You!
Keep sex fresh and adventuresome! Excite your partner by doing the unexpected. Don’t approach sex in the same way or do the same things in the same place! That’ll leave you and your spouse bored, unsatisfied, and in a rut.
5. Expectations Are Everything.
People are wired differently—that includes libidos. Sexual interest can be affected by stress, fatigue, medication, season of life, and problems in other parts of the relationship. Some people need to connect emotionally before they can connect sexually. Some people need to connect sexually before they can connect emotionally. Communication is the key!
6. Sometimes, Focusing On Having More Sex Will Get You Less.
Remember, sex is not an end in itself. Sex is a means to an end. The “end” is deeper intimacy, a stronger connection, and a healthier relationship. Focusing on other ways to increase intimacy, strengthen your connection, and grow your relationship frequently results in more sex! Nothin’ wrong with that!
- What are three activities that make you feel close to each other?
- When do you feel closest and most connected to your spouse?
- When do you feel most loved?
7. Sex = Give & Take!
Sometimes, you might not have sex when your spouse doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes, you might have sex when you don’t feel like it. Understanding this and respecting each other will set the stage for some great sex! Sex shouldn’t be transactional. Sex should be intimate and treasured. When sex is “weaponized” or becomes a demand or entitlement—you’re not gonna have a good time. (If that’s frequently the situation, talk about it or get help from a counselor.)
8. A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action!
When you finally have time alone, talking about finances, kids or in-laws can kill the mood. Don’t get me wrong—there are important marriage and family things to talk about. But if you want to get down to the business of love, leave those conversations for another time and take time to enjoy each other.
9. Keep Sex Fun and Playful
Sex is serious business, but if it feels more like work than fun, it’s less likely to happen! Playing together helps you associate fun and good vibes with your spouse, and that’s a good thing. Little things like winking at each other, using that signal that says, “Let’s go somewhere private,” or flat-out flirting can do wonders. Perhaps you’ve seen the TikToks where people simply walk into the room in their birthday suit while their spouse is playing video games. That’s an attention-getter for sure. And there’s always strip poker…
10. Less Stress = More Sex
The things that take up your mental and physical energy can impact whether you’re in the mood for love. Helping each other out can lighten the load and make you feel more like a connected team. So that means getting that to-do list done in half the time by working together frees you up for a little party later on. (Note: Sex can also relieve stress, too!) Give these four little magic words a try: How. Can. I. Help. Then watch what happens.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How Often Should We Have Sex?
What if I told you that there was a number—a magical number—that defined the exact rate you and your spouse should have sex each and every week so both of you experience wonderful, marital, sensuous bliss that will last over the entire span of your marriage, “until death do you part?”
Well, do I have news for you… You won’t find that magic number recorded anywhere!
While research does suggest that couples that have sex at least once per week are happier than those who have sex less than that, it still doesn’t provide a solid answer to the question of how often a couple should have sex. All we know is that once a week is the average rate for couples who are happy.
But before you click the X and stomp off in frustration, hear me out. Because while determining the magic number is about as elusive as Bigfoot riding a unicorn, there may still be a number that produces a little magic.
If you do some research, what you will find are experts who say that there is no prescribed, scientific, formulaic number of times a couple should be having sex, but the magic number is what you make it. Raffi Bilek, a couples’ counselor and the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, tells Health, “The truth is that whatever is comfortable for you and your partner is your normal. You don’t need to be having sex any more or less than you’d like.”
This is all well and good, unless, of course, you and your spouse can’t come to an agreement on what is “comfortable” and “normal.” (Which probably describes a majority of couples out there.)
So then, how do you move forward with this touchy subject?
The truth of the matter is that the magic number is one that you and your spouse have to determine for yourselves. It’s your magic number. And here are some steps to move toward that:
You’ve got to talk about it.
Start the conversation, and approach it with a great deal of respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions. Discuss with each other:
- Are you someone who can get turned on before you have sex or do you have to be well into the foreplay before you are actually in the mood?
- Do you need to have sex to feel emotionally connected to your spouse, or do you need to feel emotionally connected to your spouse to have sex?
- How does stress affect your desire for sex?
What turns you on about the other person? Is seeing particular behaviors or attitudes more likely to get your motor running? (E.g. I love it when she is in a good mood, I’m really attracted to him when I see him being an active father, She really steams up the room when we watch a great football game together…)
More than likely, you’re not going to hammer this out in one sitting. It’s an ongoing process and conversation to find a mutually satisfying rhythm to your sex life.
Determine an actual, magical number for your relationship.
This is your mission, should you choose to accept it. Why is this important? It gives you a goal and informs each person in the marriage what they can expect.
You may need to compromise and meet in the middle.
Now, the person who wants sex more may get it less. And the person who wants sex less may get it more than they want. But let’s be honest: no one has ever died from not getting as much sex as they wanted. And if you are the one who wants sex less, you may need to be willing to give in a little more than you’d like (with healthy, reasonable expectations, of course). However, you both may find your comfort level increasing with the magic number, especially if you…
Pay close attention to each other’s intimacy needs.
Some people need to feel emotionally secure and close before they’re willing to even think about sex. If that’s your spouse, you have a job to do—find ways to meet their emotional needs (and not just because you want to have sex).
Other people feel emotionally secure by being physically intimate. If that’s your spouse, you may need to spice things up a little more than you’re used to. If you keep each other’s pathways to connection in your sights, finding that magic number can come more easily than you expect.
One more thing to keep in mind: Magic numbers can change. Life goes through seasons. Children come into the picture. Or they leave the house. Health issues arise. People take medication. Temporary periods of stress or exhaustion come into the picture. All these things can affect how often the magic happens. The key here is to continue to be sensitive to each other’s needs and feelings and to continue to communicate.
Magic numbers don’t have to be as mythical as unicorns, and it’s possible for things to be magical in the bedroom for both of you in your marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
My Spouse Wants Sex More Than I Do
If your spouse wants sex more than you do, here are a few words of wisdom. I probably drive a little faster than my wife is sometimes comfortable with (and she’s not afraid to let me know). On the other hand, she is more cautious on the road (and I don’t dare say anything from the passenger seat). My wife is definitely a beach person. I’m much more of a woods-and-lake kind of person. I binge on books. My wife binges on Netflix. Differences are often what makes marriage interesting. But there’s one difference that often shows up in marriages that causes all kinds of awkwardness, quarrels, and misunderstandings.
That’s right: pizza toppings.
Just kidding. The answer is sex. And more specifically, sex drives. More often than not, one person wants it more than the other. And many couples struggle to find an answer to this marital difference that seems to be as old as time.
What do you do when your sex drives aren’t in sync?
Marriage therapist and author Dr. Pat Love (yes, that’s her real name!) provides some insight into this question in her book Hot Monogamy.
She introduces the concept of people who are either “sexy body” or “sexy brain” kind of people. Chances are, if there is a difference in sex drive in a relationship, then one person is more of a “sexy brain” while the other is more of a “sexy body.”
“Sexy Body”/”Sexy Brain”
“Sexy body” people have a body that’s always ready for sex. They typically desire sex on a daily basis. Even when stressed out, they can easily be aroused, and sex even makes them feel better when in a state of stress or anxiety. “Sexy body” folks can even desire sex with their spouse in the middle of being upset with them.
This is all a complete mystery to “sexy brain” people. And it’s easy to label those “sexy body” people as horn-dogs. But before we begin throwing labels around, it’s important to remember that, for “sexy body” people, sex is a way they feel the closest to their spouse. It’s how they connect on both a physical and emotional level. It’s a major pathway through which they experience love.
“Sexy brain” people, obviously, are a bit different. It’s difficult for them to be sexually aroused if they are feeling stress, anxiety, or fatigue. And for many people, this equals the majority of the time. And if they are upset at their spouse, well, chances are nil that anyone is going to experience any kind of hanky-panky.
“Sexy body” people often don’t understand this at all, and quickly jump to the conclusion that their spouse is prudish, frigid, or just plain abnormal. But not so fast. “Sexy brain” people simply have to feel a sense of connection, security, and calm in order to be more open to physical intimacy. Emotional engagement with their spouse is a prerequisite for desiring sex.
This does not mean that “sexy brain” people don’t enjoy sex. In fact, they do. However, clearing the to-do list, getting enough rest, and feeling an emotional attachment to their spouse makes sex easier to desire and more enjoyable. “Sexy brain” people are still, well, sexy.
What “sexy body” people need to remember:
- Understand that your “sexy brain” spouse is perfectly normal in how they think about sex; it’s just different from you, and differences aren’t bad.
- Be reasonable with your expectations. Let’s be real: you could be up for sex every time your spouse changes their socks. But this simply isn’t how your spouse operates, nor should they be pressured to operate that way. (As a matter of fact, the more “sexy brain” people are pressured to have sex, the less they want to have sex. The pressure equals stress, and stress equals no sex.)
- Learn about your spouse’s preconditions for being in the mood. How can you connect with your spouse emotionally? How can you help alleviate stress for them? And can you do these things in a way that’s sincere and not because you want to have more sex?
What “sexy brain” people need to remember:
- You have to make time for sex. Physical intimacy is an important part of the marriage relationship. Therefore, taking care of yourself means not allowing stress to become an overwhelming factor in your life. You maybe even ask for help in order to alleviate some stress and be sure you get sufficient rest. This helps in making sex more enjoyable for you.
- Understand that if you consistently say no to your “sexy body” spouse, it causes them to wonder if they are unattractive to you. A “sexy body” person needs to know that their spouse still thinks they’re hot stuff. And when you show them they are (at least to you), then it makes a huge difference in their esteem and confidence. Not to mention, it makes the connection between you as a couple stronger.
- Ask yourself, what is it your partner does that is a real turn-on? Sometimes the stress and fatigue you feel blur the attraction you actually have for your spouse. They are blockades to getting turned on. Asking this question can bring what it is about your spouse that gets your blood pumping back into clarity.
Finally, think about this: the needs of “sexy brain” and “sexy body” people actually can work together to become more in sync with each other’s sex drives.
Here’s what I mean. When a “sexy brain” person lets their “sexy body” spouse know they are desirable, attractive, and sexy (either by telling them or showing them by being more open to having sex), they might find the pressure to have sex is toned down.
And when the “sexy body” person is sincerely intentional about connecting on an emotional level frequently, they may find that their “sexy brain” mate is more easily aroused and able enjoy sex more.
Wins all around.
The key is to talk.
Communicate about your differences. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Seek to understand what makes them a “sexy brain” or a “sexy body” kind of person. Become a student of your spouse. You just may find that your differences bring you closer together, and you can begin to work on other marital questions like what toppings you’re going to order on your pizza.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.**
Think hearing loss really doesn’t have an impact on your relationships? You might want to think again.
Lorina knew that she had some hearing loss, but didn’t really think it was that big a deal.
“I knew over the years my hearing loss had increased, but it wasn’t until my friend pointed out to me that I was constantly saying, ‘What?’ and ‘Huh?’ and strongly encouraged me to get my hearing tested that I thought it might really be a thing,” says Lorina, who had moderate hearing loss on one side and severe loss on the other side.
“When I was fitted with a hearing aid, I was amazed!” Lorina says. “I could not believe the difference in the clarity of people’s words and the sounds I was able to hear that I had no idea I was missing. It even impacted my relationship with my husband.”
“We hear stories like Lorina’s all the time at the Speech and Hearing Center,” says Erica Newman, president and CEO. “In fact, just the other day, I was reading a study about the impact of hearing loss on marriage.”
Couples in the study used words like “embarrassment” and “frustration” most frequently to describe how hearing loss impacted their relationships. One spouse would say, “I’m listening, but I can’t hear you.” The other spouse would say, “I can hear you, but I can’t understand you.”
“The number one thing the study found that changed in marriages where someone experienced hearing loss was spontaneity,” Newman says.
“The spouse with the hearing loss felt embarrassed when they had to ask people to repeat themselves because they associated it with being slow-witted and disturbing to the flow of normal conversation, so they just didn’t say anything. They found themselves wondering, ‘If I have to repeat myself three times, is it worth saying?’ Little side comments, a spontaneous exchange or funny off-the-cuff conversations stopped happening. This impacts closeness in the relationship and undermines confidence, intimacy, sharing and playfulness. It also impacts shared activities such as watching television together.”
A 2009 British study found that out of 1500 people surveyed with hearing loss:
- 44% reported that their hearing loss caused relationships with important people in their lives to suffer.
- 34% reported the breakdown in communication brought about the loss of relationships, including marriage.
“Often when I am at a health fair, a spouse will walk up to me and point out their spouse, saying, ‘He/she needs to come see you, but I can’t get them to make an appointment,’” Newman says. “My response to them and to everybody is, we all need to have our hearing checked at age 50 so people have a baseline to work from.”
When Lorina finally did get hearing aids, she said it rocked her world.
“I have spent most of my life having people only on my left side because that was my good ear,” Lorina says. “Now I can have people on either side of me. We have also turned the television way down. I had no idea we had the volume cranked up so high. One of the funniest things that happened after getting my hearing aids was when I had my son in the car with me and I noticed a rattle in the back of my car. When I said something about it, he said, ‘Mom, it’s been there for forever!’”
Newman says that while getting your hearing checked can be scary, most of her patients who get hearing aids wish they had done it sooner. She believes their quality of life improves and their relationship with their loved ones is better as well.
Communication is key in building and maintaining relationships. Anything that hinders it can create loss of connectedness and intimacy. Hearing loss is often easy to deal with and improve with a little effort. Sometimes it takes the help of others who can see or hear things you cannot. Don’t let fear or stubbornness put a damper on your relationships. It may cause you to miss out on what is going on around you.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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8 Must-Have Conversations for Couples
How do you know if love will last? Some say you don’t, that it’s just the luck of the draw. Many believe that the more a couple has in common, the more likely they will be compatible over time. Others say, not so fast. With more than 40 years of love and relationship research under their belt, The Gottman Institute says that whether love will endure is about how couples address their differences and support one another’s needs and dreams. And it all starts with these 8 conversations for couples.
By studying thriving couple relationships, The Gottman Institute found that people connect and fall in love by talking.
John and Julie Gottman and their co-authors, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, discovered eight crucial conversations that couples need to have. These must-have conversations can help couples know that love will last or help rekindle a “lukewarm” passion. The authors made the topics into dates for the book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
These conversation-based dates can potentially help couples increase understanding and commitment. It doesn’t matter how long they have been together.
The topics:
Trust and Commitment.
Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner you’re reliable. Choosing commitment means accepting your partner as he or she is, despite their flaws. I mean, we’re all flawed in some way, right?
Conflict.
Like it or not, conflict is a part of every healthy relationship. There is a purpose behind it. And it’s a chance to take your relationship to a deeper level.
Sex and Intimacy.
Romantic, intimate rituals of connection keep a relationship happy and passionate. Couples who talk about sex have more sex. (Want to find out more? Read this: How to Have More Sex in Marriage.)
Work and Money.
Money issues usually aren’t about money at all. Instead, they are about what money means to each person. Who knew? Learning what money means to each person can help take your relationship to a totally different place.
Family.
It’s common for relationship satisfaction to decrease after you have a baby. And the more kids you have, the more that can happen. But it doesn’t have to! Couples who maintain their sexual relationship and learn how to manage conflict in a way that builds up their relationship can avoid this drop in relationship happiness. So, do what you can to keep sex healthy in your marriage.
Fun and Adventure.
People are often so busy “adulting” that they underestimate the importance of play and adventure in their relationships. They are vital components of a successful and joyful relationship. While couples may not agree on what constitutes play and adventure, learning more about the one you love can be part of the fun. Couples who play together really do have more fun.
Growth and Spirituality.
The only constant in a relationship is change. How each person supports the other partner is key. Relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together. They can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning to the world.
Dreams.
Honoring each other’s dreams is the secret ingredient to creating love for a lifetime. When dreams are honored, everything else in the relationship gets easier.
The Gottmans say that every strong relationship results from a never-ending conversation between partners.
This book about must-have conversations will guide you through how to talk and listen to each other well.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Image from Unsplash.com
