5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Feeling disconnected from your spouse can be as confusing as it is concerning. You might be wondering if you’re imagining things. (We all do this at times.) Or is this a normal feeling during a hectic season of life? (We all go through those times.) Is it a sign of something deeper and perhaps more troubling? (Maybe. But let’s not rush there.)
The question is: What will you do about this feeling of disconnection?
Here are five suggestions to help you get to the bottom of this situation.
1. Tell your spouse how you feel.
Sounds obvious, right? We often sit with these feelings for far too long without dealing with them directly. You can be as straightforward as I just wanted to let you know that I feel disconnected from you lately. Can we talk about it?
Your spouse might feel the same way, and you can begin to address it together. Your spouse might explain how they’ve been stressed out lately and offer to plan time together to reconnect.
2. Share your need to feel more connected with your spouse and include the actions and activities that help you feel connected.
We’re all wired differently. We experience connection uniquely. Your spouse might think that if there aren’t any obvious problems, all is well in your marriage. (If we’re keeping things real, this is often the default setting for many people.)
3. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
This is not a roundabout way to say this is all in your head. This is human nature. If you’re mentally burned out, emotionally spent, and/or physically exhausted– disconnected from your best self –you’ll feel disconnected from those around you.
You might need some alone time. Engage in some things that recharge and reenergize you. Don’t feel an ounce of guilt for taking care of yourself. This equips you to connect with others in meaningful ways.
4. Take a look at your circumstances.
Have there been some significant changes? Have you or your spouse’s schedules become crazy? (Has your child’s schedule become crazy?) Have your usual routines been disrupted? New career demands? Travel? Are in-laws stopping by more often? Any of these things can easily disrupt the typical ways you connect with your spouse.
If you can’t change your circumstances, you can intentionally carve out time to connect with your spouse. You might have to try some new approaches. Get creative. Be sure you’re getting the most out of your time together. (Don’t just sit on the couch and watch a movie. Snuggle it up on the couch and watch a movie.)
5. Don’t be afraid to get help.
By disconnected, do you mean things like:
- Uninterested in spending time with your spouse?
- Uninterested in resolving conflict?
- Uninterested in connecting emotionally?
- Uninterested in physical touch or sex?
These can be signs of deeper relationship issues that a date night isn’t going to fix. If you feel like your spouse is more of a roommate and less of a soulmate, it’s time to seek some counseling. Whatever you have to do to connect with your spouse is worth it.
BONUS: Focus on giving love, not receiving it. Watch what happens.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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What You Need to Know About Disenfranchised Grief
Grief is a response to loss. It’s characterized by feelings of sadness, hopelessness, depression, numbness, anger, and guilt. The goal of successful grief resolution is to reestablish emotional balance. Not everyone grieves the same things or expresses their grief in the same way. And then there’s what we call “disenfranchised grief.” (You probably know what it is, and you may have even felt it, but you might not know what to call it.)
Recognizing that loss comes in many forms has been one positive thing we’ve taken away from the pandemic. For example, loss of:
- A prom or graduation
- A dream wedding
- Funeral attendance
- Vacations
- Family reunions
- Other gatherings
People are more aware of “disenfranchised grief” now. Still, it’s helpful for us to think beyond the pandemic to other commonly overlooked losses. That way, we can support those suffering from them.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief:
- Grief that isn’t typically recognized by societal norms and/or lacks cultural expression.
- Grief that is often minimized, invalidated, stigmatized, marginalized, or misunderstood.
★ Disenfranchised grief (DG) leaves individuals to process their loss on their own or in secret. They lack the supportive benefits available to people whose losses are more socially accepted, expected, acknowledged, or understood. Often, people tell those in distress, “You didn’t even know them that well,” or “Move on,” or “Get over it.”
Even if we don’t understand it or agree with it, it doesn’t make the pain any less. The pain is REAL.
Examples of losses that are frequently disenfranchised include:
- death of an “ex,” an absent sibling or parent
- loss of someone who was not a “blood relative”
- loss of a co-worker or pet
- an adoption that fell through
- loss of possessions, loss of location due to a relocation or move
- loss of mobility or health, loss of a body part
- infertility, miscarriage, stillborn child
- incarceration of a friend or family member
- deaths due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, suicide*, or overdose
- loss of personality due to dementia, etc.
Frequently, the loss itself may not be disenfranchised, but the manner in which an individual grieves may be.
Those around them may criticize the length of their grieving process or the form their grief takes. Societies and cultures can have “unwritten rules” when it comes to grief. People often question, criticize, or invalidate expressions outside those “rules.” These things can complicate the grieving process.
For many circumstances that individuals experience, there is no “race for the cure,” support group, lapel ribbon, hotline, celebrity fundraiser, foundation, or “public awareness” campaign. There may not even be a Hallmark card for it. This doesn’t mean that feelings of grief are invalid or illegitimate.
Often, people don’t even know they are experiencing DG, let alone know how to work through it.
Instead, people have a tendency to minimize or invalidate their loss by comparing it to what a person (or society) believes is a “legitimate” loss.
Disenfranchised Grief. They say if you can name it, you can tame it. It might begin by being honest with yourself, admitting you’re grieving, and not feeling guilty about it.
Stop faking smiles. Then find some support. The people around you are probably more than willing to help you. They just might not recognize your “outside the box” loss.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help or to utilize resources like The Grief Recovery Method.
For those of us who may know someone experiencing DG, support might begin by expanding our definitions of “loss” and “grief.” We can follow up by making ourselves available to those who are hurting and grieving. We can listen and empathetically validate their sense of loss.
About 2.5 million people die in the United States each year. They all leave an average of five grieving people behind. Not all those grieving people grieve the same.
If we can expand our perspective on grief, we can expand our support to those who are grieving. People are hurting, and we can help.
*If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, there are a number of websites and organizations with excellent resources for you. HelpGuide is a great place to start, along with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
OTHER HELPFUL BLOGS:
How to Help Your Child Deal With Grief
6 Things You Can Do to Help a Child Who Is Grieving the Death of a Parent
4 Ways You Can Help Someone Who Is Grieving the Death of a Loved One
In a time of remote work, remote school, and social distancing, how you communicate with your co-workers is extremely important. Hard conversations with co-workers can cause a certain level of uneasiness. It can often be difficult to know how and when to approach a certain topic or situation. Thanks to COVID-19, stress levels for many working remotely (I’m in that boat), parents uncertain about school (Hey, that’s my boat, too!), and those who have continued to report to work amid a pandemic (that’s my wife’s boat) have been elevated. Some of these “boats” often seem like “sinking ships,” and a lack of or unclear communication can be the iceberg that takes the ship down.
So how do we approach these tough conversations when we are not all present in the same place?
First and foremost, we need to identify the issues that we are having.
- Do you feel like someone has unrealistic expectations of you?
- Do you have unrealistic expectations of or resentment toward co-workers?
- Are you overworked or under-worked?
- Do you feel that your co-workers are not sensitive to your particular situation?
- Do you feel like others are not carrying the same workload as you?
All of these can lead to unnecessary stress, and the solution for many of them is communication and clarity.
- Pick the right time. How and when we communicate can be just as important as what we communicate. We want to be cognizant of the setting of these hard conversations with co-workers. We may not have the ability to be face-to-face so we need to take extra precautions to ensure we are able to talk whether over the phone or via video. Choose a time that is convenient for all involved parties and sensitive to everyone’s schedules. Make sure you are not stressed, tired, or hungry. ☆ Also, remove distractions as much as possible. (Silence your phone and set it aside. Turn off notifications on your computer or tablet.)
- Ask questions and listen. There could be a simple misunderstanding or lack of feeling heard. Listen to your co-workers and ask questions. Be sure you are expressing your perspective clearly and without assumptions. Lack of clarity can lead to many misunderstandings within the workplace, and this time of working remotely can greatly affect clarity. In the words of Stephen Covey, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
- Be intentional with your conversation. Identify what the issue is and stay on topic. It’s easy to get sidetracked, but the focus must be on addressing the root of the conflict and resolving it.
- Don’t assume. As stated earlier, ask clarifying questions. (I am not a mind reader, and I am sure you are not either.)
- Choose your words wisely. Express what you are feeling, but avoid doing so harshly. Think through what you want to say. (Something I had to learn was to pause, breathe, and think before I respond or say something that could be harsh.)
- Don’t forget the positive. Even difficult conversations have room to share the positive. Praising the work or contribution of team members may be more important now than ever.
- Seek a resolution. Work together to resolve the root of the problem or conflict. Come up with a solution collectively. Compromise may be needed, but you will be stronger as a team if you can resolve the issue, learn from the situation, and move forward together.
I have heard it said that we are not all in the same boat but we are all in the same ocean. We each have different circumstances and stresses that affect our relationships. Don’t let your relationships suffer because of misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, and unresolved issues. You have the ability to navigate difficult conversations with co-workers and come out stronger. Difficult times often produce immense growth.
Tips for a Highly Happy Marriage
Do you ever feel like you and your spouse are roommates instead of lovers? Does it feel like your marriage is in a constant state of chaos? Have you caught yourself wishing for a life you don’t have?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you aren’t alone.
Truth be told, there are many chaotic marriages out there where both spouses are feeling disconnected and lonely.
When people feel disconnected in their marriage, anxiety, distrust, uncertainty and suspicion often creep in. Couples stop believing they are on the same team and start looking out for themselves. This leads to feeling the need to have the last word, always be right and a “my way or the highway” attitude which certainly doesn’t create an environment where a relationship can thrive and grow.
The first step toward changing the direction of your relationship is to identify what is creating chaos or disconnectedness.
Usual and customary suspects include children, career, community commitments, busyness and phubbing (otherwise known as snubbing your mate in favor of your smartphone).
Clearly, you can’t ship the children off; jobs matter, and it’s unrealistic to think that technology won’t be part of your relationship. However, if you are resolved that something needs to change, it might help you to know what research reveals about how happily married couples keep their marriages out of the ditch.
In her book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Harvard-educated researcher Shaunti Feldhahn uncovered 12 things highly happy couples do.
Here are a few of them that you can apply to your own relationship:
- Remember the little things. There are a few small actions that matter a lot to men and women. In fact, surveys indicate that consistently doing these five things will likely make your spouse feel deeply cared for.
- For women: Notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it. Tell him when he does a great job. Mention in front of others something he did well. Show him you desire him sexually. Make it clear that he makes you happy.
- For guys: Hold her hand. Leave her messages during the day. Put your arm around her. Sincerely tell her she is beautiful. Pull yourself out of a funk.
- Believe that your spouse is well-intentioned and truly cares about you. It is unlikely they began their day plotting how to make your day miserable.
- Sometimes going to bed mad is a good thing. When conflict and anger are hard to resolve, sometimes sleeping on it overnight can lead to a quicker resolution.
- Boss your feelings around. Highly happy couples lead their feelings instead of letting their feelings guide their actions.
- Cultivate generosity. According to the research, generosity toward one another is one of the greatest contributing factors to a happy marriage.
- Hang out together. In the beginning, you were friends. Couples who cultivate their friendship over time seem to have happier marriages than couples who do not.
- Get in over your head. Highly happy couples were willing to put it all on the line for the sake of their marriage. The research showed they have dramatically increased security and happiness.
If you are tired of the chaos and feelings of disconnectedness in your marriage, try incorporating some of these habits into your marriage. Although creating an environment for your marriage to grow and thrive may not happen overnight, these habits could be just what your relationship needs.
Other resources:
Discover Deeper Intimacy In Your Marriage – First Things First
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
