How to Keep the Election from Ruining Your Marriage
Finally. After endless campaign ads, talking heads, polls and vote counting, the election is over. Now you’ve gotta figure out how to move forward and keep the election from ruining your marriage, especially if you live in a house divided.
One of you may be gloating over your candidate’s victory. But your spouse is licking his or her wounds, wondering how the nation will survive the next four years.
You CAN Keep the Election from Ruining Your Marriage
- First word of advice: be nice and kind. When our kids start playing sports, most parents drill into their kids, “Nobody likes a sore loser and nobody likes a gloating winner.” You can feel strongly about your stance and still be generous in the way you love and care for one another.
- Remember that your spouse is a multifaceted human being. Rarely do we look at a person and decide we can’t get along with them based on one aspect of who they are.
- Make a list of all the qualities you love about your spouse so that on the particularly challenging days you can refer to it. Let it remind you there’s a difference in how you feel about politics and how you feel about your spouse.
- Make sure you’re having more positive than negative interactions when you are together. Research indicates a ratio of five positives for every one negative will keep your relationship in the green zone.
- If you’ve been able to have civil conversation about politics in the past, but feel like things are too electrically charged right now, set some boundaries around what you will and will not have conversations about.
- Be intentional about making time for fun together. Doing things you both enjoy together typically brings about smiles, laughter and playfulness between the two of you. On the inside your brain is releasing dopamine, known as the “feel-good” hormone. It boosts your mood and makes you want to spend more time together because you associate that time with your spouse in positive ways and you want to repeat it.
- Guard against taking his or her political perspective as a personal affront against you. Family, religion and region of the country where they were raised are all factors contributing to a person’s political leanings. It likely has nothing to do with you, so your best move is to not engage.
- Focus on what you DO have in common. It’s just human nature to pay attention to what divides you, but it’s really in the best interest of your marriage to consider all you agree on. Chances are great there is more that unites you than divides you in your relationship.
When you get down to it, you probably both want what’s best for our country; you just disagree on what exactly that is and the best way to get there. It’s likely true you both want what’s best for your relationship, too. Keep in mind, while elections come and go, you married each other for the long haul. When your marriage matters more than who wins or loses in the election, your marriage becomes the winning team.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Why Do Couples Stop Talking?
When you got married, did you imagine endless conversations and an unending exchange of thoughts, ideas, dreams, and emotions? Fast forward a few years down the road and now you find yourself sitting in the bed or eating a meal together in sheer silence, feeling disconnected from each other…
Finding yourself in this place isn’t that unusual. Many couples experience times in their marriage where the talking to each other seems to stop. However, like anything else in marriage, conversations do take a little extra intentionality than when you first began. To start talking again, it helps to understand some of the reasons you may have stopped talking in the first place.
Here are 10 reasons couples stop talking and a few ways you can spark the conversations again:
1. You’re just out of words.
It’s easy to run out of things to talk about. At times it’s okay not to be talking each other’s ears off.
The ebbs and flows of marriage will often self-correct this situation. Conversation starters can begin casual conversations that get you below the surface and learning new things about your spouse. Sometimes sitting and simply enjoying each other’s presence, taking a stroll down memory lane, or embarking on new adventures all aid toward a new batch of conversation.
2. You’re tired and busy.
Life stacks up, and all of a sudden you find yourself lying in bed at the end of the day too exhausted to connect.
Stop, take a timeout, gain control of your schedule, and consider your priorities. Give yourselves the margin to gain your energy back and reconnect again.
3. You’re tired of having the same conversation over and over again with no resolution.
You know the argument… the one that never ends and neither of you can seem to agree or feel heard. You both feel like your feelings are being invalidated. This affects anything else you talk about, causing tension to build. Instead of saying the same things over and over, you choose to remain silent.
Giving attention to make sure you’re addressing the real issue and not just the symptoms may be the first step in removing the roadblock to your communication.
4. You live separate lives.
You work, exercise, talk to your set of friends, and golf. Your partner works, is a wine-tasting connoisseur, talks to their set of friends, and plays video games. You’re not sharing time, experiences, or interests.
Begin doing something together: cooking, hiking, puzzles, learning a new skill together, etc. It sparks conversations, creates memories, and cultivates curiosity in your relationship..
5. There’s a lack of emotional safety in your relationship.
You don’t feel cared for or like you matter. When you do share, you feel judged, misunderstood, criticized, or dismissed. To prevent experiencing the sense of rejection, you shut down.
Have an open, honest conversation about how you’re made to feel when you share. Gently give specifics about comments made or expressions that hurt. Share with your spouse what an emotionally safe space feels like.
6. No one is taking the first step.
Neither of you wants the responsibility of initiating a conversation about what may be causing the lack of communication.
Choose to take the lead in meaningful conversation. Just like leading a dance, when one person leads, the other typically falls into rhythm and follows along.
7. Technology has taken over.
Distracted by the phone, social media, and all the technology trappings?
Consider phone-free and tech-free time just for the two of you to connect.
8. You’re ignoring the elephant in the room.
There’s a topic that needs to be brought out in the open, and it’s causing the potential for any other point of connection to be shut down.
There’s only one solution for this: have the hard conversation; but, make a commitment to discuss it in a healthy, respectful way. Remember to affirm each other’s opinions and feelings.
9. One of you is an introvert and the other is an extrovert.
If an extroverted partner doesn’t leave room for the introvert to talk… pretty soon, the introvert just gives up.
Discuss each other’s communication styles and how you can ensure that both of you have your thoughts and feelings heard and understood.
10. There is anger or unresolved conflict present.
Something has happened in the past which causes you or your spouse pain. And this pain short-circuits any kind of meaningful conversation you could have with your spouse.
Whatever has happened needs to be addressed in a safe environment. Each person’s pain needs to be validated. Seeking professional help may be the best option.
There are lots of reasons why couples stop talking, but you don’t want this to become the norm. You are always in the process of either connecting or disconnecting in marriage; there’s no such thing as maintaining the status quo. Reflect back on why you married your spouse in the first place and become a student of your spouse; there is always more to learn about them, and therefore, always more to talk about.
Understanding the reason you stopped talking in the first place can be the first step to reconnecting again. Ironically, talking together about why you aren’t talking can be the start of a beautiful dance. The goal to reconnect on a deeper level just might be, at the moment, the one thing both of you can talk about.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Image from Unsplash.com
How To Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
Much of your talk with your spouse is “business” talk. Sure, it’s stuff that has to be discussed so things run smoothly around the house day to day, but you really wish you had more meaningful conversations with your spouse. How do you move from “business” talk to deeper, meaningful conversations about your marriage, the health of your family, feelings, needs, and hopes? Meaningful conversations build intimacy and keep you and your spouse connected.
You need them and you definitely can have them!
Let’s look at the common roadblocks to meaningful conversations and how to remove them.
Roadblock 1. Busyness.
Conversations have a better chance of being meaningful if you and your spouse aren’t tired, distracted, or constantly interrupted. Pick a good time to talk. You may have to schedule some talk-time or get on a regular date-night schedule. Build margin into your day—maybe you both get up a little earlier so you can talk over breakfast or coffee. Maybe you go to bed a little earlier than usual so there is time for some pillow talk. Try having some “phone-free” zones set up in your day and week. Get out of “survival mode” and don’t let your day “happen to you.”
Bottom Line: Be intentional. Carve out time for meaningful conversation to happen.
Roadblock 2. Nobody Is Leading.
Take the lead in guiding conversations to deeper levels. They say there are usually three levels to typical conversations:
(3.) Talking about people. (Co-workers, friends, the kids, neighbors.)
(2.) Talking about events. (The news, the kids’ soccer games, what happened at work.)
(1.) Talking about ideas. (Feelings, needs, dreams, expectations, frustrations.)
Someone has to step up and make sure that conversations get down to Level 1. This might involve you being transparent, vulnerable, and opening up. Your spouse might meet you there.
Bottom Line: Be patient and keep setting the example by modeling the behavior you want to see more often. Here are 200 conversation starters for couples to take you deeper.
Roadblock 3. You’ve Had The Same Conversation A Million Times.
This is very common. You’re not alone. Some couples just kinda run out of stuff to talk about and they default to, “How was your day… whatcha got going on this week… anything new at work?” This can become a little cliché. (The answers, by the way, are “Good… the usual… no.”)
YOU NEED NEW STUFF TO TALK ABOUT! Consider taking up a hobby together. Have a book club just between the two of you. Start listening to some podcasts, TED Talks, or audiobooks.
Bottom Line: Stretch yourself. Be a lifelong learner and you’ll find more meaningful things to talk about.
Roadblock 4. Not Having Family Meetings or Regular Check-In Times.
Write this down: Sunday Nights @ 8:30. This is the time set aside for you and your spouse to check in with each other and keep your fingers on the pulse of your marriage. Take turns talking and listening to each other. No interrupting. The speaker can air whatever is on their heart. (Pro-Tip: Use “I” Statements instead of “You Statements.” “I feel – I need – I think…” This usually goes over better than, “You always… you never… your mother…”) BONUS: Use this time to decide if you need to call a family meeting and what you need to talk about during it.
Bottom Line: Again, prioritize the time. Put it on the schedule. You will be having a healthy, two-way dialogue about meaningful things in no time.
Roadblock 5. You Need To Improve Your Listening Skills
There. I said it. Do you and your spouse not have meaningful conversations because you dominate the conversation, interrupt, make it all about you, or don’t give your spouse your full attention? Are you more of a “talker” and your spouse is more of a “listener?” Are you the extrovert and your spouse is more introverted? All of this will impact the quality of your conversations. Learn “active listening skills.” Ask open-ended questions. Become curious about your spouse. (Check out this article on active listening skills—especially the Six Levels of Listening.) Are you an external processor—you need to talk to figure out what you think? Is your spouse an internal processor—they need to think for a while to figure out what to say?
Bottom Line: Notice the differences in how you both communicate and respect those differences. There is no one right way.
Roadblock 6. Avoidance
Is there an issue or incident that has caused you or your spouse to clam up? Maybe there was a major breach of trust, someone may have done something incredibly hurtful, a fight or argument may have never been settled, or there is a major issue you both know you completely disagree on and frequently fight about. Avoidance is not allowing conversations to reach a meaningful level because it might go there. It might stir an issue back up with all of its associated emotions.
If you want meaningful conversations, you are both going to have to face this and deal with it constructively to the satisfaction of each of you. After this hurdle, meaningful conversations should start flowing again.
Bottom Line: If it were that easy, you probably would have dealt with it by now. It might be time to call in the pros and let a reputable, qualified marriage counselor guide you both through this process.
★ Look, here’s the thing, you and your spouse might have huge differences in your definitions of “meaningful.” This might be where you need to start. Here comes a big fat fancy word: “metacommunication.” It just means “talking about talking.” All you might need is to have a talk about how you talk. Come up with a shared definition of “meaningful.” Talk about both of your communication needs and expectations. Check it out—you’re having a meaningful conversation!
Further Reading
KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
HOW TO INCREASE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR HOME
6 WAYS POOR COMMUNICATION CAN AFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE
3 GREAT DATES TO ENHANCE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR MARRIAGE
THE MAGIC OF COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE E-BOOK
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What if I told you that your perception of your spouse—whether you see them in a positive or negative light—determines your total marriage satisfaction both now and in the future?
And then, what if I said your perception of your spouse is something you have the power to determine?
It doesn’t take much to put us on a track where we see everything our spouse does or says as negative. Perception is our reality and it picks up momentum. It’s like the proverbial snowball that begins rolling down a hill. One annoyance, one disagreement, one little thing your spouse says that rubs you the wrong way can cause a perpetually growing snowball of thinking the worst of your spouse.
Of course, at times bigger things are at play, especially if there’s been a major incident that compromises the trust of your marriage. But assuming these incidents are fewer and farther in between, it’s safe to say that a negative outlook on your spouse is something that reinforces itself over time.
It turns out, the way spouses perceive each other has so much to do with both present and future marital satisfaction. In a recent groundbreaking study, Samantha Joel and Paul Eastwick, in collaboration with many other researchers, found that what mattered most in a happy, healthy marriage included perceived partner commitment (which ranked top of the list), appreciation for one’s partner, and perceived partner satisfaction. In other words, if I believe my spouse is truly committed to and happy with our marriage, and if I appreciate them (and if they feel the same way), then our chances for marital satisfaction are much, much greater.
☆ Fine. Wonderful. But what if I don’t perceive my spouse in these ways?
Then there is some work to do. But the good news is, with diligence and perseverance, it’s possible to change your perception.
Below are seven ways to stop assuming the worst about your spouse. But one caveat needs to be made before working through these: changing your perspective is a mental exercise. And like any exercise, it needs to be practiced consistently before you start seeing results.
- Ask: What led you to start assuming the worst about your spouse? Can you narrow it down to an incident or a season of life? What was going on during that time? Were you experiencing feelings of stress, sadness, anger, grief, or pain? Reflecting on what started the snowball can shed light on the origins of negative thoughts and provide a frame of reference for how to change them. Even if you can’t pinpoint how the negative thoughts started, you can still work to change them.
- Practice gratitude. Research has shown that when we consciously consider all that we are thankful for and express that gratitude, our emotional and relational health improves. So ask yourself: What are the qualities I truly appreciate about my spouse? What positive contributions do they make to our relationship? And then, thank them. Express your thankfulness to them on a daily basis. It might help to keep a daily gratitude log, with each day’s entry simply finishing the sentence, “Today I am thankful for my spouse because…” Exercising gratitude is a very significant tool for eliminating negative thoughts about your spouse.
- Change the climate of your relationship. Make it your mission to connect more with your spouse. Create opportunities for simply being together, having calm, easygoing conversations, laughing and joking. Here’s a great idea: Ask your spouse out on a date. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but put effort into it and romance your spouse. Regular doses of courtship and connection can help change a negative perception and help you stop assuming the worst about your spouse.
- Keep your own health in check. Many times negative thoughts (about anything) emerge from the fact that we aren’t taking care of ourselves, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. And then those negative thoughts quickly find a target, usually the person closest to us. Adopt a lifestyle of self-care. Eat clean, get plenty of sleep, and get in some regular physical activity. Get outside more and absorb some sunshine.
- Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Stimulate your thinking with books, articles, or educational videos. Throw away negative self-talk and mental put-downs, and start affirming yourself. Keep in mind that these aren’t just shallow, feel-good therapeutics. Self-care is a lifestyle that can improve your relationship with your spouse.
- Avoid negative talk, exaggerated talk, and the comparison game. All three of these serve to push that snowball of negative thinking faster and faster down the hill. Do everything you can to withhold negative comments, name-calling, and hostile sarcasm, even in the face of conflict. Practice healthy conflict-resolution techniques and take a time-out when necessary. Avoid using phrases such as You never… or You always… And be especially careful not to measure your spouse up against the people you see on television or social media. Those images don’t reflect reality (even on reality shows), which means your spouse would never be able to win that comparison game.
- Avoid scorekeeping. One sure-fire way of growing the negative-thought snowball is to keep reflecting back on all the wrongs and annoyances (no matter how big or small) that your spouse has committed in the past. And if you want to make matters even worse, keep reminding them of those wrongdoings. But, if you want to stop assuming the worst about your spouse, practice forgiveness, let the past go, and move on. This does not mean you don’t learn from the past or simply forget it. It does mean you choose not to let past events control the lens through which you see your spouse.
- Practice empathy. A good bit of research tells us that the practicing empathy does a lot for relationship health and how we think of our spouse. Empathy helps you to consider what it’s like to be in your spouse’s shoes, to take on their feelings, and spark compassionate action. This keeps your negative assumptions and thoughts toward your spouse in check. When you begin to think the worst about your spouse, stop and seek to understand what’s going on in their mind and heart at the moment.
I’m not going to lie. Trying to stop assuming the worst of your spouse isn’t easy. Sometimes it feels more like trying to stop an avalanche rather than a snowball. But if you make a regular practice of the above exercises—not just try them out, but dive into them with grit and determination—you’ll place yourself well on the road to changing your perspective and boosting your marriage satisfaction to the next level.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Too much of anything can become a bad thing. We need moderation to keep the balance in our relationships, self-talk, marriages, and so on. Asking the question “Is negativity hurting my marriage?” shows some great self-awareness and motivation to figure out how negativity can affect relationships.
What are you working with?
- Do you or your spouse see what hasn’t been done when you get home first?
- Do you see more things you or your spouse can improve on than what you or they are doing right?
- When things are tough, do you or your spouse feel like it’s only going to get worse?
- Do you or your spouse talk down about each other to other people?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, let’s see if there’s a perspective shift you can lean into so we can replace some negativity with positivity!
In an article for Thriveworks, Taylor Bennett interviewed Matthew Solomon, a Love and Happiness Coach who specializes in relationships, communication, and negativity and why it’s important to be aware of it.
Here’s his advice on how to confront the negativity.
1. Acknowledge the negative mindset.
If you’re this far into the blog, chances are you’re being proactive or looking for a way to deal with the negativity in your marriage. Acknowledging is the first step for really any issue you may face. No one can fix a problem or meet an expectation they don’t know is there. By being mindful of what’s happening between you and your spouse, you’re setting yourself up to take the next step.
2. Understand the why behind negative thoughts.
Psychological research shows negativity bias can explain why we have an aptitude to see the negative more easily.
“Earlier in human history, paying attention to bad, dangerous, and negative threats in the world was literally a matter of life and death. Those who were more attuned to danger and who paid more attention to the bad things around them were more likely to survive.”
In another article by The Atlantic, researchers, led by Geraldine Downey, address negativity’s impact on a marriage and whether a marriage is successful.
They found that people who are insecure were more likely to act negatively out of their sense of protection from rejection. “Their own fear of rejection no doubt intensified the distress they felt, because for them an argument wasn’t just about a specific issue but a sign of deep problems and an ominous signal that the relationship was in jeopardy.”
You don’t want to just survive your marriage, you want to thrive in it. However, to thrive, you have to do more than see the negativity that’s hurting your marriage; you must overcome it, find the root of what is causing the spiral, and slow it down so it doesn’t take the good parts down with it.
3. Choose new thoughts that benefit you (and your spouse).
When you want the best for yourself and your spouse, it takes an active willingness and effort to improve. Some great ways to get yourself in the mindset (and with time, habit) of seeing the good, positive things are by choosing to do things to serve your marriage.
Try implementing these tips into your marriage:
- Do not take negativity personally.
- If your spouse rejects your offers of help, it’s okay.
- Spend time with positive people who are for your marriage.
- Invite your spouse to do some fun activity with you at least once a week.
- Acknowledge your partner’s positive accomplishments and efforts.
- Encourage your partner to try new things.
Sometimes it’s hard finding the right words to say or refraining from saying things you want to say, but know negativity won’t help in the long run—and acknowledging that some work still needs to be done is okay. If we’re honest with ourselves, anything worth having takes time, energy, and practice. A healthy, happy marriage is worth having. Have the tough conversations, try to stay positive, and celebrate the little wins as you reach them!
Additional Resources:
- Is My Marriage in Trouble?
- Secrets of Long-Term Marital Bliss
- 8 Must-Have Conversations for Couples
- Tips for a Highly-Happy Marriage
- What If My Marriage Doesn’t Make Me Happy?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Image from Pexels.com
Here’s the thing, whether you’ve been married for five years or 50, you are still two unique people from different backgrounds with varied life experiences. Each of you has different ingrained likes and dislikes, unique communication styles and approaches to conflict, mismatched habits, and even tiny little quirks and idiosyncrasies. You’re two “I’s.” You are gonna bicker, argue, and, yes, even fight sometimes in your marriage.
That might sound like a strange thing to say, but if you are invested in your marriage and you want it to grow, you know there will be some growing pains that have to be worked through. The enemy of a good marriage is a ho-hum marriage where people go through the motions on a daily basis with no real emotion and motivation to do anything any different.
3 Benefits Of Fighting in Your Marriage.
- You Build Trust. When you realize that your spouse will listen to your needs respectfully and make good-faith efforts to meet them, trust goes through the roof!
- You Move Forward When You Don’t Hold Back. When both of you understand that you can be real, genuine, open, and transparent with each other and it is totally safe, your relationship will grow by leaps and bounds. You will reach new levels of intimacy.
- You Know Where You Stand With Each Other. So many couples attribute thoughts, motives, and feelings to each other and end up reacting to non-existent phantoms instead of their spouse. When you fight well with each other, it’s all on the table. And that’s a good thing!
Some people are intimidated by change (and their spouse) and they are fine to go along to get along. Some spouses are comfortable making all the decisions. But when it comes to finances, parenting, sex, and other topics, the marriage is at its best when BOTH spouses are bold and honest, and bring their differences to the table and work through them. This is what it means to be a TEAM.
The intimidated, conflict-avoidant spouse may have to learn to speak up. The intimidating, conflict-dominant spouse may need to sharpen those listening skills quietly.
There is no medal for the most passive spouse. When it comes to fighting in marriage, you may be bottling-up tensions, disagreements, hurt feelings, unmet needs, and unfulfilled expectations, and all the “little things” that accrue during years of marriage which are far more dangerous for your health and the health of your marriage. Stuffing it all down, ignoring it, or pretending everything is okay eventually leads to acidic bitterness, corrosive resentment, and a sense of entitlement to go outside your marital boundaries and do things that will devastate your marriage. Bring that stuff to the surface in a healthy, productive way.
Dr. John Gottman, researcher, writer, lecturer, and all-around couples guru said this: “Our research has shown that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. All couples have them—these problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. They are either fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.”
Or, as I put it to my oldest son who is inching toward the altar, “Marriage is picking the set of problems you will have the rest of your life.” Doesn’t that sound romantic? He didn’t think so either. But it is so reassuring in marriage to know we are both different and it is totally okay. We might have some iron sharpening iron moments, but it’s safe and ultimately our differences can complement instead of compete.
There was a school of thought that happy couples don’t fight. The reality is that happy couples fight right. Gottman elaborates by saying that even how often a couple fights is not what determines the success of a marriage, but rather, it is how a couple fights. Respect is the name of the game. As long as couples respect each other, fighting in and of itself is not a threat to the marriage relationship.
How Can You, As A Couple, Fight Respectfully?
- Make sure BOTH of you have space to express yourself and be heard.
- Keep it about the problem or the behavior—not the person.
- Avoid words like “never” or “always.” It’s never always true.
- Don’t bring up past, settled issues or re-open healed wounds.
- Winning the fight isn’t worth losing your spouse.
- Compromise. You both should feel like you gave a little and got a little.
- Apologize and forgive. (Maybe some of the fighting wasn’t so nice.)
- End by reaffirming your love for each other. When the fight is done, it’s done.
- DON’T intimidate, manipulate, or threaten your spouse. That’s psychological and verbal abuse.
- It should NEVER get physical. That’s domestic violence.
Plan Your Fights.
The “Speaker-Listener Method,” created by The University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, empower couples to truly communicate. Couples set aside a half-hour each week and take turns with one person as the speaker and one person as the listener. The speaker respectfully says whatever they want; the listener just listens. They then move toward a healthy, productive dialogue about the issue, hoping to get to the root cause and take the time to brainstorm solutions.
One of the benefits of this method is that it provides room for a quiet spouse to have the floor and speak up while perhaps putting the talkative spouse in a position to truly actively listen. Another benefit of this method is that often couples realize that they have been having the wrong fight all along. (It’s not enough to “fight.” You want to get to the right fight—the one that makes the biggest difference in your relationship and your marriage. Maybe the fight isn’t really about finances, it’s about one spouse feeling like they have no voice in financial decisions.)
We’ve all kind of been trained to think that all conflict is bad and all peace is good. But in marriage, honest conflict surpasses a dishonest peace. Growth in trust and intimacy occurs where there is honest (sometimes hard) communication. You want to keep your marriage on the grow! You’ve got this!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Deal with a Spouse Who Can’t Handle Conflict
Does this describe anyone you know? Avoids conflict at all costs. Hates when someone is mad at them. Shuts down when emotions get intense. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to describe your spouse. I was describing myself. I’m the spouse who can’t handle conflict at times. Though I sometimes justify the behavior, I know it’s not healthy. I know it affects my marriage in so many negative ways.
Since your spouse and I have a lot in common, let me give you some tips on how to deal with a spouse who can’t handle conflict.
Look at yourself first.
Are you combative? Is winning the conflict more important to you than the relationship? Do you approach every small issue like it’s a big deal? You may have come from a family where everyone fussed, cussed, and discussed while your spouse may be more reserved. Create a safe, nonjudgmental space to discuss differing opinions. It’s important that both of you are heard, valued, and respected.
Tone of Voice Matters.
Yelling, screaming, and an overly aggressive tone will lead to your spouse shutting down. Express your thoughts and emotions with your words and a quieter intensity. That way, you’re better able to focus on the issue.
Ask, “When is a good time to talk about this issue?”
Some conflict-avoidant people experience anxiety just engaging in disagreements. Give your spouse the opportunity to mentally address their anxiety, get their thoughts together, and enter the conversation with a more relaxed mindset.
If your spouse says something like, “I don’t want to talk about this right now,” don’t hear that they don’t want to talk to you. Instead, keeping in mind that tone of voice matters, ask when is a good time? Your spouse will feel respected while you’re getting a commitment to address the issue.
Be Patient.
Your spouse continually has internal battles. Their desire is to engage wholeheartedly and resolve the conflict versus their tendency to shut down, become defensive, or stonewall. Where you may be much better at communicating your thoughts, emotions, and wants, your spouse may bounce back and forth from being defensive to being vulnerable. Revisiting conversations that you thought were resolved isn’t unusual when your spouse is working to do better at engaging in conflict. Be understanding if they share more of themselves in a follow-up conversation. Of course, you’d like them to have shared it the first time, but they may have been more focused on avoiding the conflict than resolving the issue the first time.
Encourage your spouse to speak first when possible.
People who avoid conflict will often change their thoughts because of what their partner has already said in an effort to keep the peace. Encouraging your spouse to speak first increases the likelihood they will express their true thoughts and desires.
Don’t talk over them or finish their statements.
This sends the message that you don’t respect their perspective or opinion. Your spouse needs to communicate their perspective and not have it done for them.
Start with “I,” not “You.”
Instead of accusing, (You always…) use an “I” statement that reflects your own feelings and subjective experiences. Avoid criticizing your partner, because fights are often not about our partners. They are usually about our feelings and expectations.
Focusing on what you know, think, feel, and want as opposed to making statements about what you believe your spouse knows, thinks, feels, and wants leads to better communication and understanding during conflict.
Together, decide on a plan to deal with conflict.
There are many techniques available. The speaker-listener technique is a good one. Learning a technique, even though it may not come naturally at first, can help you focus on the issue and the solution while ensuring that both of you feel heard.
Don’t expect change, but celebrate growth.
Your spouse will most likely never begin to lean into conflict the way you do. It may always be an effort for them to engage in disagreements. By building a track record of resolving issues, being heard, and overcoming their anxieties, they may become more willing to come to the table and work through any disagreements. Affirm and celebrate progress.
You and your spouse are wired differently for a variety of reasons. What you may think is a peaceful conversation or debate may be causing your spouse anxiety because they see it as conflict. Never forget: you’re on the same team. Conflict is inevitable within marriage. Your different personalities are meant to complement one another. It will take effort and time for both of you. Your challenges are different. Patiently loving one another and gently working together to work through the issues you’re sure to face will strengthen your relationship and pass on a healthy legacy to those you influence.
I’m 16 years into my marriage and no, I still don’t look forward to conflict. But the understanding my wife and I have for each other has helped us to tackle and resolve some large marriage and family issues TOGETHER. We’re better for it and so is our marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Should We Fight In Front Of The Kids?
Let’s be honest. We probably already do fight in front of the kids. Whatever you want to call them—“polite” disagreements, heated arguments, emotional debates, full-on shouting matches—we have them. We don’t necessarily plan to; they can just happen. A calm, respectful conversation can escalate quickly to savage verbal bloodsport. And guess who is taking it all in?
There is definitely a marital dimension to how you fight, over what, how often, and how you make up. But what about the parental dimension? What about that little person at the dinner table, or playing within earshot, hearing the brawl through the wall?
We have a large body of research on how “interparental conflict” or fighting affects kids.
Here’s what we know:
- Kindergartners whose parents had harsh and frequent fights were more likely to struggle with depression, anxiety, and behavior issues by the time they were in seventh grade.
- When parents are fighting, it’s physiologically traumatic for kids. Their blood pressure increases (even in very young babies).
- If you play audio of two adults fighting who are not the parents of a child, even that has a negative effect on the child.
- Depression, anxiety, rule-breaking, and aggression can be a behavior of a child who experiences their parents disagreeing regularly.
- Arguing in front of a child can be incredibly damaging to their psyche, as it creates a sense of instability and insecurity. This can manifest as guilt and a feeling of responsibility, leading to lifelong feelings of inadequacy.
- Parents tend to have their worst fights in front of their children.
- Family discord can actually alter children’s brains and make them process emotions differently. So, kids who witness their parents arguing a lot at home may struggle in social situations and have trouble making friends.
- Regardless of what parents are fighting about, children tend to blame themselves.
- The typical married couple has about eight “disputes” a day. Children witnessed their parents’ arguments about 45 percent of the time.
Here’s the thing: kids are smarter than we realize or think they are, and their development and intelligence begin at birth. Here’s the other thing: fighting, arguing, tension, instability, and volatility all have an effect on children whether we perceive it immediately or not. Here’s yet another thing: disagreeing, arguing, and even fighting are part of marriage.
★ So, how do we as parents mitigate the negative effects of fighting in front of the kids?
Story Time. Average American Family. (Mine.)
Sitting at the dinner table, son (6th grade) says he wants to try out for the school football team.
(Seemingly benign statement.) Not an uncommon thing to talk about at dinner. My wife immediately encourages him to try out. I counter with my uncertainty about football and brain health. (Still a civil conversation.) We go back and forth a bit. (Voices get a little louder and a little more intense.) My son is chiming in here and there. (It becomes clear that my wife and I are not on the same page on this.) She’s thinking I’m being overly cautious and robbing our son of fun and character-building. I’m thinking she is being cavalier with our son’s brain and there are other ways to have fun and build character. (This could quickly get personal. And ugly.)
What happens next is so important. And it is so simple. But our emotions usually have their way with us and innocent, common, organic conversations quickly escalate into harsh and harmful fighting that hurts our kids. My wife simply says, “Why don’t we discuss this later?” Me, “Dude, your mom and I will talk this through and let you know what we decide.” Conversation changes. Dinner is enjoyed. No harm done. Our son saw us disagree, have a debate, and stay on the same team.
Here’s what else we know:
- Parents who can resolve conflicts and emerge with warm feelings toward each other instill better coping skills and emotional security in children, studies show. This requires admirable self-control, and not all marital battles can be worked out so calmly.
- Marital battles that spark uncontrolled emotional outbursts should happen in private or in the presence of a therapist, and name-calling, threats, or other forms of aggression are never okay. But seeing Mom and Dad emerge from less hard-to-control disagreements satisfied, without resentment, can yield big rewards for children, according to researchers and experts in conflict resolution.
- Parents who expressed warmth and empathy toward each other during arguments also fostered a sense of security in their children that their families would be okay, according to a two-year study of 416 U.S. families.
- The research complements findings from a 2009 study by Dr. E. Mark Cummings that children whose parents have constructive conflicts, showing support and affection for each other, and exhibit better social skills, including cooperation and empathy for peers.
- Even if parents fight sometimes, a higher ratio of positive to negative exchanges is linked to less sadness and worry in children and teens, according to a recent five-year study of 809 families. Displays of warmth and mutual support helped offset children’s fears about parental discord.
It’s not whether parents fight, but how they fight in front of the kids that matters. And how they make up.
All conflict between parents is not harmful to children, but some conflicts may be very harmful for children to observe. Children may even benefit from observing constructive conflicts. However, destructive conflicts are linked to multiple problems in children and are stressful for them to hear or witness. Click HERE for how to fight in front of your kids.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
