Seven Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
Does it seem like everyone has something to say about how youâre parenting?
Do you question whether or not youâre doing the right thing for your child?
Do you want assurance that youâre meeting your child’s needs?
Researchers and practitioners have sought for years to find what children need to thrive in a variety of waysâphysically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and behaviorally. The research is in. They might use a different word or two, but we have a good idea about what children need to thrive. Relationship is everything.
Dr. Mark Laaser and his wife, Debra Laaser, LMFT, have worked with individuals and couples for many years. Through their work, they found that in relationships, we all have desires in our hearts. Those desires begin in childhood and last throughout our lives.
1. To be heard and understood.
Your child needs you to hear and listen to them, even when what they say is difficult to hear. If they donât feel heard, they will either stop talking or begin to over-talk you.
2. To be affirmed.
Your child desires for you to recognize what they do. Whether for academics, arts, or athletics, you showing up means a great deal to your child. They may win or just participate, but your acknowledgment that they did a good job can make their little hearts happy. When they complete a task or chore, saying thank you (even if they don’t do it the way that you do it) is an additional way to notice their contribution to the family.
3. To be blessed.
Your child desires to know that you love them unconditionally for who they are not for what they do or accomplish. No matter how they behave (temper tantrums), how successful they are in athletics or not, how well they do academically or not, your child needs to feel your love and support.
4. To be safe.
Your child desires to feel safe, free from extraordinary fear, worry, and anxiety. There are conditions that parents canât control such as a global pandemic or natural disasters (tornado, hurricanes, fires). What you can do is ASSURE your child that you are right there with them. Being aware of your feelings will help you handle those of your child.
5. To be touched.
Your child needs and desires physical contact. As infants, children who donât receive physical touch often get a diagnosis of “failure to thrive.” According to Dr. Virginia Satir, âWe need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. And we need twelve hugs a day for growth.â
6. To be Chosen.
Your child desires to know that you want and cherish them as a member of the family. In my house, my sons often ask, âWho is your favorite child?â The truth is each one is my favorite child. Our family would not be the same if any of them were not a part of it. Likewise, your family would not be the same if any of your children were not a part of your family.
7. To be included.
Your child desires to know that as a member of your family, they matter, belong, and have significance. Find ways (age-appropriate) to include them in decisions (whatâs for dinner, family outings). Not only is their presence necessary, but their contribution to the family ideals and expectations is mandatory.
Parents want the best for their children through experiences and exposure. There will be times that you miss the mark as a parent. Your child may not make every team or production they try out for. You may get angry and raise your voice. Remember that what your child needs to thrive is for you to be an engaged (not perfect) parent who is seeking to meet the needs and desires of your childâs heart. There are probably a few things that youâre already doing, but if you see one that youâre not, choose one to focus on this week.
Other Lists Of What Children Need
How To Handle Public Toddler Temper Tantrums
Has your toddler ever had a meltdown or temper tantrum?
Does your child cry uncontrollably to get something they want?
Have you ever wished the floor would open up in the store and swallow you because of how your child was behaving?
If any of these things have happened to you, then you probably are the parent of a toddler who is in the middle of a tantrum. Inevitably, these behaviors are on full display in large public spaces like the line at the grocery store or in the middle of the aisle at a big box store. As a parent, you feel the weight of the stares and glares from the other customers and employees. Your heart rate rises. Your hands get sweaty. You may feel embarrassed or that you are the worst parent ever. All you want is for your child to please, please, please BEHAVE.
What do you do? How do you parent your toddler through a temper tantrum?
Here are a few strategies that can help you:
1. The best tantrum is the one that never happens.
Prepare your toddler before you go out. Remind them before you leave, that you arenât buying them anything, that you have a few things to get, and incentivize their good behavior beforehand. (“If you behave, weâll make some cookies when we get home,” or “Iâll read your favorite book to you,” or “Weâll watch some PBS Kids.”) This will help them to defer gratification and hopefully make your shopping easier.
2. Remain calm.
This may be easier said than done. When your child is losing it, as a parent you have to remain calm. Often we contribute to the intensity of the tantrum by escalating it because of our feelings of anger and embarrassment. Now is not the time to be concerned about what those people around you are thinking. It doesnât matter what they think about your parenting. It matters how you parent your child. Keep your focus on your child and not on a bunch of people that you may never see again. Remember, you can handle this and it is normal and natural for a toddler to have a temper tantrum.Â
3. Assess the situation. (Create a mental game plan.)
Now that you have taken a couple of deep breaths and are calm, do a quick mental checklist:
- Are they hungry?
- Did they miss their naptime?
- Are they not feeling good?
- Did you make changes to your normal routine?
- Are YOU stressed and overwhelmed?
- Maybe there is no reason at all except they are toddlers.
However, if you can pinpoint the triggering factor, such as your toddler being hungry, bringing or getting them a small snack can allow them to calm down at least until you finish this errand. If they are tired, it may be in your best interest to get them home as soon as possible. If they are angry because you said ânoâ to something they wantedâbe the parent.
4. Focus on your child.
With your game plan in mind, focus on your child. Find a quiet space in the store, if possibleâif not, offer to go to the car to calm down. (Leave your cart with an employee and tell them you will hopefully be right back.) When you get to the carâlook your child in the eye, speak softly and calmly, and empathize with them. (Ahh, you really are tired; I know, you are hungry.) Then give them directions. This may be the time to throw in an incentive. (When we go back to the store, if you behave, when we get home weâll have a snack before naptime.) You are laying the groundwork for important child development pieces like learning to control their emotions, learning to defer gratification, and learning mom means business.
5. If you have a very sensitive child…
It may seem more difficult to deal with tantrums when you have a “sensitive child.” No matter the temperament of your child, it is fine to have appropriate behavioral expectations of them. It is important to remember that children respond differently to correction. For some, it only takes âthat lookââothers require more. The goal of discipline is to teach. A slight deviation from the normal routine could really send a sensitive child into orbit. Being keenly aware of your childâs temperament (and your own emotional state) is vital for effectively dealing with a tantrum.
You have made it through your toddlerâs public tantrum.
Was it hard? Maybe. Will it happen again? Probably. I love the saying, âOnce you have gone through something, you know how to go through something.â
Become a student of your child. Now is the time to think about ways to prepare for the next toddler temper tantrum. Keep snacks in your bag. Either go alone or wait until after naptime. Go to the store when itâs not really crowded.
Parenting is a HARD job, especially with toddlers. You may feel frustrated, anxious, distressed, positive, satisfied, and overwhelmed all in the SAME DAY, even on the SAME TRIP. There is no parenting handbook that has all the answers for every situation, contrary to what those judgy people in the store believe. As parents, we are not perfect, and neither are our kids. Our children donât need Perfect Parents. They need Present Parents. Parenting a toddler is just one stage in your parenting journey. All you can do is try to do your best to meet the needs of your children for where they are developmentally.
Constantly putting yourself down is of no benefit to anyone. Practice self-care. Be careful what you say to yourself because you will believe it. Make time for yourself. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Talk to friends. In the words of flight attendants, âPut your mask on first, then help others.â We are so busy making sure everyone around us is okay, we often neglect to care for ourselves. This has a huge impact on our childrenâthey can pick up on our stress and frustration. Be your best self so you can be at your best for your child, wherever and whenever.
Image from Unsplash.com
Why Do Secure Relationships Matter for Children?
Do you want to increase the likelihood that your child grows up to make emotionally healthy decisions?
Would you like to increase the likelihood that your child will perform well academically in school?
Do you want to increase the likelihood that your child will have healthy relationships?
Iâm guessing your answer to each of those questions is yes. News flash. This doesnât happen by getting little Johnny to walk by age 1, read by age 2, and play the piano by age 3.
â A secure relationship between you and your child is one of the most significant factors contributing to your childâs development.â
Your child, even as a baby and a toddler, experiences and learns a thousand new things about their world every day. They are learning what to do when they get hurt, donât get their way or get mistreated by someone. They’re also finding out how to handle it when they make mistakes and encounter something thatâs too hard for them.
Secure relationships help children develop emotionally.
The environment that parents provide for them is significant. It helps to determine whether they will have positive growth experiences or develop unhealthy emotional coping skills. Harvard researchers tell us, âThe single most common factor for children and teens who develop the capacity to overcome serious hardship is having at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.â
The trust they have for you as a parent and for the relationship is vital for their development.
Being available to listen, encourage and comfort them when they experience frustration and disappointment can help them learn healthy ways to cope with trauma and stress. When the positive and secure relationship of a parent is present in your childâs life, they are less likely to develop poor relationship skills and unhealthy emotional responses. Feeling secure gives them the ability to develop a true sense of self, develop emotionally, and cultivate strong relationships.
Secure relationships allow kids the freedom to be kids.
Establishing yourself as the parent who values relationships and sets and follows through on discipline, is the loving leader, and is in charge, is actually comforting for children. Children have the brain development of⊠you guessed it, children. When children donât feel like their parents are in control, they struggle.
For example:
You tell your child to pick up their blocks and you leave the room. You come back in the room and they havenât picked up their blocks. Then, you tell them, “Unfortunately, we will have to put the blocks away” because they didnât do what you asked them to do. They then throw themselves on the floor and throw a temper tantrum. You respond by saying, “Okay, you can play with the blocks,” because you donât want them to be upset with you. This creates confusion in the mind of the child as to who is actually leading or in charge. When parents do the parent “stuff” like set boundaries to keep kids safe and establish routines to help them grow and develop, then the security of the relationship allows kids the freedom to be kids.
Secure relationships give kids a sense of belonging.
In addition to having a true sense of self, every child wants to know they belong. A secure relationship with their parent(s) reinforces that they belong to the family and that they canât fail bad enough to change that fact. As researcher John Bowlby has shown, a secure relationship with the parent sets children up for healthier interactions with other children, better grades, and great self-confidence as they grow and explore the world.
Secure relationships give kids the confidence to try new things, explore, and make mistakes.
Children make all kinds of mistakes. Itâs how they learn. They try to pour their own cereal and milk and spill a full carton of milk on the floor. While you may be freaking out because money is tight and you really canât afford to lose a gallon of milk on the floor, your child is doing exactly what they are supposed to doâtry new things. However, what you do as a parent sends a message as to whether this relationship is safe and secure. If you scream and yell, and act like they committed an unforgivable act, then you may be sending the message that trying new things and making a mistake when youâre doing something new isnât acceptable.
You could also be sending the message that youâre only happy with your child when they âdo right,â but “I donât really like you when you make mistakes.” That doesnât make a child feel like their relationship with you is secure. It can make your child feel like they must earn your love and approval.
A Different Approach
However, what if you came alongside your child after theyâve spilled the milk and recognized that they were simply testing their own capabilities? They are trying to learn and do new things, and since you know that, the approach is different. Simply teaching them how to carry out the task, setting boundaries so they understand authority and permission, and helping them clean up their mess in a calm manner sets the stage for your child to feel secure in their relationship with you. They learn that their mom or dadâs love and care for them is not dependent on being the perfect child.
That relational security gives them the confidence to try something else that they couldnât do before without fear that if they make a mistake, they may lose their parentâs love. It provides them with an assurance that the next time they experience frustration, there is someone (the parent) who can help them overcome their emotions. They also begin to recognize the need for boundaries and permission to help them not end up in situations they arenât prepared for.
We want our children to be willing to discover new things and solve problems. We also want them to recognize and build positive relationships, and learn to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Providing a secure relationship in the home is a great way to give your child the best opportunity to develop.
Other Related Blogs:
How do I make my child feel secure?
We pull up to the little league baseball field where Iâm about to have three different kids with three different practices on three different fields. There are only two parents. But before I can barely shift the van into park, my 11-year-old son darts out of the van, grabs his baseball equipment and sprints to his field.
Why does this make me as a father smile every time it happens? Itâs not because heâs a future major leaguer or that he is so happy to get away from us. Itâs because he used to be an insecure kid, insecure about his baseball skills. He was unsure of himself, his ability to make friends on the team, and didnât always handle the disappointment of striking out or misplaying a ball very well.
A child that feels secure feels loved and free to make decisions, form relationships, and solve problems. They also react well to emotional stress. How do you help your child to feel secure?
Be the Parent
As a parent, you are in chargeâyou are the authority. You set the structure and the rules in your home. You also demonstrate what love and relationship look like, but you donât look for your child to validate you as a person or as a parent. Children feel more secure when they and the people in their lives have clear roles. When their parent is acting out the responsibilities of a parent, thereâs clarity and order in your childâs life.
Set Limits and Boundaries
I have seven kids and they all seem to read from the same book that tells them to test the limits. Children are hard-wired to find out how far their parents will allow them to go. When a child doesnât have any limits or boundaries, it may seem as though they are getting what they want. The opposite is the case.
Family experts agree that children feel safer when limits and boundaries are established and knowing that there are consequences for going beyond the boundaries. Your child learns what behavior is expected of them. A child who knows what to expect is better able to enter in and out of relationships with non-family members because theyâve learned to recognize what is appropriate.
Routines and Consistency
Predictability is great for children. This may come in the form of regular morning, evening, and bedtime routines. This also may be through family mealtime or family rituals. Your children will experience lots of change in the world they live in. Being able to look to the home for consistency provides security in what can be a chaotic world. Click here for great information on establishing routines and structure in the home.
Time and Affection
Laughing, playing, being silly, hugging, saying âI love you,â and just hanging out are key to helping your child feel secure. This helps your child know that they belong and have a place in this world because they have a place in their family. It reinforces that they are loved, that they have value, and that they are worth spending time with. Click here for ways to show your child affection.
Availability
My son has experienced a range of emotions playing baseball. There are times where he and a teammate didnât get along and other times he has been frustrated because he was not hitting the ball well. Weâve talked. Sometimes, Iâve just listened. Weâve discussed solutions. But more importantly, as parents, we have learned to be available to help and support, not necessarily solve the problem. One of my favorite questions is, âWhat do you think is best and why?â The freedom to solve his own problems builds self-confidence.
We always aim to be available to help him think through the issues he encounters. And sometimes he makes the wrong decisionâwhich gives us the opportunity to help him learn and grow. Your children will experience failure, stress, and a host of other emotions. You want them to feel safe to experience life and have the confidence to respond in a positive and healthy way.
Give Children Responsibilities
Children who contribute to the daily life of the family learn that they have something to give. The Center for Parenting Education says that children who have family responsibilities gain a sense of pride from knowing that they are capable of contributing to their environment. My 4-year-old has the responsibility of making sure everyone has silverware for each meal. It doesnât have to be much and it can grow over time. My 11 and 13-year-olds are responsible for washing the dishes. They know that without silverware or clean dishes, the family doesnât eat. They are contributing to the life of our family.
Know When to Seek Professional Help
If your child continually expresses an inability to feel safe and it is impacting their ability to cope, then it may be time to seek professional help. As a parent, sometimes we need the assistance of an objective professional to help us tweak our parenting to meet the individual needs of our children. It certainly is not a sign of failure to ask for help. Parenting to your childâs uniqueness can be challenging for sure.
As a parent, you can provide your child with a safe and stable environment to help them feel secure. Your child picks up on the cues you send based on how you respond to the stress of a pandemic like COVID-19 or the anger you may feel when someone you love is mistreated. Working to feel secure as a parent will only help you as you aim to help your child feel secure.
Short answer: Show affection as much as you can.
Often, we use the words âaffectionâ and âloveâ interchangeably. While understandable, and they can certainly overlap, Iâm going to make a distinction between love and affection. Affection is adoration, fondness, liking someone. So our question would change to:
How much should I show my child that I adore them, I am fond of them and that I like them?
See the difference that makes?
Or let me put it this wayâa baby doesnât understand the self-sacrificial love that you have for them deep in your heart, but just holding them and cuddling demonstrates affection. And they pick up on it. And it has long-term developmental consequences.
Or how about this? How would a teen receive an âI love youâ if there was never any affection shown toward them? Those words would be meaningless.
Showing your child affection communicates security, belonging, acceptance, and that they are liked.
Sometimes as parents we stumble over the simplicity and the importance of showing affection. I hope my kids know and trust that I love them, but I also hope they know that I really like and enjoy them, too.
I have five kids. As babies, they were all held, snuggled, and rocked. There is no better feeling in the world than having one of my little babies asleep on my chest. My youngest is now 14. He was my only âsnugglyâ little one.
Wow. Things are a lot different now. Showing affection evolves at different ages and stages as our kids grow up. My 14-year-old son doesnât want to be âsnuggledâ and he definitely isnât going to fall asleep on my chest. (Even hugs, if his friends are around, are kinda iffy.) But he appreciates a pat on the back after he mowed the yard or a hand on his shoulder if we are waiting in line. He really loves hearing that I noticed the heel-kick he did in a soccer game.
Each of my five children is a unique individual. Even when they were little, each had their own personality. One of the first parenting lessons I learned was that what one child needed in terms of affection from me was different from another child. I also learned that the ways I showed affection to them that seemed meaningful to me and came naturally to me did not necessarily translate into affection from my kids’ point of view, so I had to learn what they needed.
I had to spend time with each of them and learn about their individual hearts.
Some of the things I learned over time that have helped me figure out the best ways to express affection to my kids are:
Pay close attention to what they ask of you.
This can provide insights into how they receive affection. Do they ask:
- You to come and play with them? Quality Time.
- If you think the picture they drew is pretty? Affirmation.
- If you can help with their hair? Touch.
Pay close attention to how they express affection to you.
This also provides insight into their heart and what means affection to them. Do they:
- Want to sit in your lap and give you hugs?
- Like to make things for you like drawing you a picture or bring you things like a dandelion?
- Tell you they like hanging out with you while you work on the car?
â Spend Time With Them. â
- Learn their âaffection language.â When my daughter was about 5, I took her to a movie and put my arm on the back of her seat. She immediately asked me to move my arm. Point noted!
- Let them set the agenda for what you do together. Get on the floor and play with their toys together. Watch them play video games. If you are present and engaged, you are saying you like them and like spending time with them. (Put your phone away.)
- Take them with you to run errands or hang out with you while youâre working on stuff. Show that you just enjoy their company. Lots of bonding happens organically just being together.
- Notice and express gratitude for the little things they do. Donât reserve praise for big things. âThanks for telling me a little about your day.â âI appreciate you helping bring the groceries in.â This communicates that you notice and like them.
Spend time with your child and become a student of their heart. Tell them that you love them but also tell them that you like them, you enjoy spending time with them, how proud you are of them, and that you believe in them. This all translates to affection to your child.
Many kids today donât think their parents even like them, let alone love them. You are communicating how you feel about your kids all the time. And they are watching.
How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
âOf course my child knows I love them!â But do they? Really? To be clear, Iâm not questioning whether you love your child; Iâm questioning whether your child knows that you love them. Do they know how broad, wide, and deep your love is for them? Thereâs more to your child feeling loved than saying, âI love you! Goodnight!â every night.
Google Autocomplete can be illuminating. For those unfamiliar with it, as you begin typing a search into Google, Google begins to finish it for you with the most popular searches put into its search engine. So, typing, âHow do I get my parents toâ will autocomplete with the most popular searches that begin with the same phrase. This particular example is as heartbreaking as it is illuminating.
The number one autocomplete is: How do I get my parents to love me?
â What would lead kids, tweens, and teens to google ways to get their parents to love them? Is there a disconnect somewhere? Are we overestimating how much affection our kids feel? Are we not communicating love in ways that resonate with our kids? Some kids donât even think their parents like them, let alone love them. Even if you feel confident that your child knows they are loved, thereâs always room to learn more ways to deepen it.
Here’s How To Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
1. Understand Your Childâs Heart.
- Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a great book, The Five Love Languages of Children, that suggests we all communicate and receive love uniquely. Sometimes the way we communicate love doesnât match up with how our kids âhearâ love and we love right past them. We might be providing tons of loving, affirming words, but our child might really feel loved the most when we spend quality time with them. His website is really helpful and has great resources!
- What do they ask of you? This can provide insights into how they receive affection.
- Do they ask you to come and play with them? (Love = Quality Time.)
- Do they ask if you think the picture they drew is pretty or if you are proud of their report card? (Love = Affirming Words.)
- Do they ask for help with homework or their hair? (Love = Helping Them.)
- How do they express love and affection to you? This also provides insight into their heart and what says, âI love youâ to them.
- Do they want to sit in your lap and give you hugs? (Love = Physical Connection.)
- Do they like to make things for you like drawing you a picture or bring you things like a dandelion? (Love = Gifts, Tokens of Affection.)
2. Spend Time With Them.
- We can kid ourselves by saying things like, âI donât spend a lot of time with my kids, but when I do, I make it count.â Itâs great to âmake it countâ (quality time) but our kids need âa lotâ of time, too (quantity time). There really is no substitute. Kids spell âlove,â T – I – M – E.Â
- Be intentional. Look for and even plan for informal time together. Get on the floor and play with their toys with them. Watch them play video games. Take them with you to run errands or hang out with you while youâre working on the car. Lots of bonding happens organically just being together.
3. Expand The Bandwidth Of Your Communication.
- Your words are powerful. Not just what you say but how you say it. Remember, your body isnât on mute. An angry âBecause I said so!â could be a calm âHereâs why this is importantâŠâ Donât underestimate the power of your words in forming your childâs perception of how you feel about them.
- Listen. Really listen. So many kids say their parents talk at them, not with them. You canât make your child talk to you, but you can be present and create an atmosphere and relational environment where talking is much more likely to take place. Donât be quick to jump in with a judgment or lecture.
- Say, âI love you.â Not just at bedtime, but say it at times when they donât expect to hear itâwhen theyâve done something wrong and have to be corrected, when they are down on themselves and donât feel lovable, random times like car rides or when they are just walking across the room. It is important that children understand that there is nothing that they can do to make you love them more or love them less.
- Other phrases that say âI love youâ without saying âI love you.â
- I believe in you.
- Iâm proud of you.
- Iâm always here for you.
- I was wrong. Iâm sorry. Please forgive me.
Whether you know it or not, you are always sending messages revealing how you feel about your kidsâand they are paying attention. Think about that for a second. If you think itâs possible that your children might wonder how much you love them, you donât have to let them wonder. Be intentional and talk with them about it. With loving your kids, make sure itâs a show AND tell.
Let me set the scene for you. Iâm working from home, sitting at my computer trying to crank out a report and meet a deadline in an hour.Â
The following sequence of events happens:
- My 9-year-old son goes running down the hall and slides on the floor into the door as if he were sliding into 2nd base. (I guess he misses baseball.)
- I calmly stand up and say, âAre you crazy? Donât do that anymore.â (50â– Nice and cool.)
- Next, my 11-year-old son breaks a glass bowl in the kitchen.
- I, truly irritated, go to the kitchen to investigate and help clean up the mess. (100â– Hot, but bearable.)
- Then my 2-year-old is yelling at my 4-year-old, âLet me have it. Itâs mine. Let me have it!â as tears are flowing down his face. Of course, he gets louder and louder each time.
- I put my referee suit on and very frustratingly resolve the issue. (150â– Feels like Iâm in the desert with no water.)
- And then my 13-year-old daughter innocently enough walks in and asks me to set up Zoom on the iPad so she can get on a video with her friends.
- And now, Iâm ready to lose it. My very first thought, (picture blood vessels bursting out of my forehead, âLeave me the -beep- alone!â (212â– I’m at my boiling point.)
Iâve gone from calm, to irritated, to frustrated, to downright angry because no one will let me get my work done. Donât they know the pressures that we are under right now?! Donât they know that if I donât get these reports completed, I could be the next one to be laid off or have his salary reduced?!
There are 2 distinct doors to choose at this moment:
- Behind Door #1: Blow up and let my 13-year-old and all the other kids have it. Check out the blog, How Your Emotions Affect Your Child to learn more about what else is potentially behind door #1.
- Behind Door #2: Take a timeout.
The timeout is an extremely useful tool that has helped me with my own children. It is so important because when I reached the boiling point, my body had literally undergone a chemical transformation as adrenaline and cortisol was now rushing to my defense. I was not capable of thinking rationally because my brain was out of balance at that moment.
The timeout becomes vital to provide an opportunity to literally calm your nerves. It can be made to be real dramatic which helps to get the focus onto the issue and off the person.
Some creative ways to take a timeout and not blow up on your kids.
Throw a flag.
(Stole this one from the NFL) When a team commits a foul. One referee throws a flag. Then all the referees huddle to discuss the foul and make sure thereâs agreement on the consequences (e.g. 15 yard penalty). Play doesnât resume until the foul was acknowledged by the referee and the consequence was administered. And then itâs on to the next play. (The referees are always calm, direct and clear when they discuss the foul that was committed and the penalty.) If one of them has committed a foul thatâs about to cause you to blow up on your kids, have a makeshift flag (i.e., bandana, handkerchief, napkin, old rag) and throw it to the spot of the foul. And if your spouse is available, discuss the foul with them. Sometimes the referee picks up the flag and says that no foul was committed. Sometimes your kids didnât do anything wrong, the stress of life just got to you. Donât be too proud to pick up your flag and say no foul was committed.
Hit the Pause Button.
(Thank Hal Runkel, marriage and family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting for this one.) When we pause, everything freezes. Time stops. We donât yet act on the next thought that comes to mind. We’re giving ourselves time for the adrenaline to settle down. Hal Runkel says, âKids donât want cool parents. They want parents that keep their cool.â Hitting the pause button helps you keep your cool. Make your pause button noisy. It can be a buzzer like the one that comes with board games like Taboo or a little wheezy toy. This draws attention to the fact that there is an issue that makes me want to explode and we need to deal. These are drastic times which call for drastic measures. Let your drastic measure be hitting the pause button.
Set a 90-second timer.
Use your phone, microwave timer, watch, or just count. Did you know that we only stay mad (chemically) for 90 seconds? According to Jill Bolte Taylor, brain researcher and author of A Brain Scientistâs Personal Journey, anger triggers a chemical reaction within the brain that lasts for 90 seconds. After that, we either turn our attention elsewhere or replay the story and reignite the anger. Youâre about to lose your mind at the expense of your kids. You can often sense when that 90-second count starts. Stop, take a deep breath and set a timer.
Simply call a timeout.
Form a “T” with your hands and say, “Timeout.” Doesnât get more straightforward than that.
If you start to blow up on your kids or even get a few moments into your blow-up and then catch yourself and recognize the need for a timeout (this happens to me a lot), thatâs ok. All isnât lost.
Take a timeout the moment you recognize you need it. Take it from my experience; donât start to blow up on your kids, realize that youâre blowing up, know that you should take a timeout, but since youâve already started, choose to keep blowing up. Don’t do that!
If you do, youâre essentially saying, “I know that Iâm not thinking rationally, that my adrenaline has thrown off my thought process, and that Iâm in the middle of reacting, but Iâm going to stay on that path anyway.” Pride or stubbornness should not get in the way of a timeout.
The best time to come up with a plan is before you need it.
Have an age-appropriate conversation with your kids. Discuss the timeout, its purpose and implementation. Then use it.
Not only are you protecting your children and yourself, youâre also modeling self-control and teaching them how to regulate their emotions. And in the process, youâve put yourself in a better position to get the results you really want: a family that is considerate, loving and respectful of one another. That beats fewer broken dishes any day.
Letting Your Child Fail
I have always prided myself on being a good friendâthe type of friend that seeks to protect those I care about from hurt, harm or dangerâeven self-inflicted hurt, harm, or danger. I was in no way prepared for the gigantic increase in those protective feelings when I became a MOTHER. The idea that my babies (now 21, 16 and 13) would feel even an ounce of pain or disappointment that I could not prevent was unfathomable to me.
Thatâs when the Mama Bear persona took over: Iâm going to protect my children from everything that can harm them, and letting them fail is not an option. I was diligent with child-proofing and safety concerns.
So, I put covers in the outlets. I gave away furniture that had sharp edges and never left them alone in the tub or in their high chair. I had gates and locks on cabinets, door handles, and even the toilet seat (sometimes to my detriment.) It was my responsibility to keep them safe!
It was a long time before I knew that I was taking every responsibility onto myself. I had the pleasure of meeting Hal Runkel, a marriage and family therapist, and the words that he shared changed this Mama Bearâs life. He said, âYou are responsible to your children, not for them.â
Huh, what?! Who they are is because of me, right??? That is the breeding ground for Mom Guilt. I had to make a major shift in my thinking. Yes, when they are infants and toddlers we have to be more diligent in our protections, but as they grow and develop, itâs our job to teach them how to make good decisions and wise choices for their lives.
Then, I remembered the lesson taught to me by my mother as I got older. I would ask my mother if I could go do something. Her response was, âGena, I donât want you to, but if you feel like you have to, go ahead.â Another, huh, what?! moment. I was asking for a clear yes or no answer. What she introduced into my life was natural and logical consequencesâthe old If/Then Theorem. If I go to the movies and behave well, good for me. If I go to the movies and act like an idiot, well, then I suffer the consequences. That changed my parenting life and the life of my boys. I realized letting my children fail sometimes was part of being a caring mom.
The first time I remember allowing a natural and logical consequence for my son was on a 3rd grade field trip. In K-2, I would check his backpack and agenda for things to sign. In order to support the teachers, we were asked to give our children a little more independence and responsibility. So, it was his responsibility to bring his agenda and field trip forms. I knew about the trip and reminded him to get me to sign the form. He did not get me to sign the form and consequently, he did not attend that field trip. Was that fun for me to see my child disappointed? No, but I had to teach him that there are rewards and consequences in life.
My son is now a junior in high school, preparing to make the decision on where to spend his college days. I hope by teaching him that he owns the responsibility for his actions and decisions EMPOWERS him to grow and protect HIS name and reputation and chart HIS own course for the future.
Are you in Mama Bear Mode? Are you keeping your child safe, or keeping your child from developing personal responsibility and being prepared for their future? Letting your child fail may be one of the best things you can do for them.
