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The Quiet Sting of Feeling Left Out (& How to Deal With It)

A few days ago, my six-year-old came home from a playdate with shoulders sagging and tears in his eyes. “Nobody wanted to play with me today,” he said. In that moment, I was catapulted back to my own grown-up version of the same sting, learning about a meeting I wasn’t invited to.

Brains of every age register that exclusion as actual pain; functional MRI studies show the anterior cingulate cortex lighting up during social rejection just as it does when we stub a toe.

We like to think adulthood vaccinates us against playground politics, yet a meta analysis of 120 Cyberball experiments (a virtual ball tossing game researchers use to simulate ostracism) finds that even brief exclusion tanks self-esteem and mood in participants well past puberty.

The long-running Harvard Study of Adult Development echoes the cost: people who nurture warm relationships live longer, are happier, and stay mentally sharper—decades of data distilled to one sentence, “Good relationships keep us healthier and happier, period.” 

So what helps? First, call the feeling by its name. Neuroscientists argue that labeling an emotion recruits the thinking parts of the brain and lowers its intensity; it’s like dimming a harsh light.

Next, treat yourself with the same gentleness you’d offer a friend; a 2025 systematic review shows self-compassion cushions the blow of social media comparisons and other modern snubs.

Then take a small risk: send the “Miss you! Coffee soon?” text. People with about five dependable friends report the highest well-being, while those averaging barely three lag behind, according to a recent Australian survey on friendship and mental health. Building (or rebuilding) those five can start with one invite.

When our kids feel iced out, the script shifts from fixing to listening. Researchers tracking online peer rejection found that children bounced back fastest when they felt supported by parents or teachers. So I sit on the kitchen floor, eye level with my son, and say, “That sounds rough. Tell me everything.” Only after he exhales do we practice what he might say tomorrow: “Can I have a turn after Jason?” or, if need be, “That hurts. Please stop.” 

Remember, modeling is powerful; when children see or hear their parents experience rejection or feeling left out, and they see a healthy, action-oriented response, they learn that resilience is an action verb.

It can be tempting to try and hide our own “negative” or “hurtful” feelings from our children. But being open with them about what’s going on in our world and how we’re dealing with certain issues can build our connection with them and boost their confidence. Of course, it’s important these conversations remain age-appropriate.

Sometimes exclusion crosses the line into bullying. If your child’s stomachaches multiply or their spark dims, loop in the teacher early and document patterns. Often, though, the remedy is simpler: genuine connection. Last night, while my toddler built block towers, my son and I drew a “friend web” on scrap paper: classmates, cousins, and neighbors. These circles and lines reminded him (and me) how many doors can swing open when one seems shut.

Feeling left out is universal, but it doesn’t have to be terminal. Name it, tend to it with kindness, and reach out, whether you’re six or thirty-five.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Why Gen Z is Saying “No” to Romance and What it Means for Us All

My son had his sixth birthday recently. He came home from school with a dozen notes and cards in his backpack, all of which were covered in hearts, glitter and the endearing best wishes of his closest female classmates.  

While I would say this slightly concerned me, I also know that this behavior is pretty normal in kindergarten. Children at this age often imitate what they see at home or in the media. They also develop a sense of feelings towards others, although child development professionals clarify these feelings are much more about companionship and friendship than romance.

In the middle of processing this, I stumbled across several recent surveys that shocked me. According to Pew Research Center, approximately 56% of Gen Z individuals (ages 18-29) reported being single, significantly more than previous generations at their age. An American Perspectives Survey found similar results:

Gen Z is the least likely of all current generations to seek or form romantic partnerships. 

After reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder if Gen Z students shared sweet little “love notes” in kindergarten. Did something change? What keeps them from seeking companionship and connection?

Experts suggest several possibilities. Dr. Jean Twenge, psychologist and author of “iGen,” points to the increased reliance on smartphones and social media, making face-to-face interactions daunting or even unnecessary for many. Digital interaction offers a safer, controlled environment, shielding young adults from the vulnerability inherent in traditional romance.

Economics plays a significant role, too.

Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and Chief Scientific Advisor at Match.com, highlights financial instability as a deterrent. Faced with student debt and uncertain job markets, Gen Z individuals prioritize financial and personal stability before venturing into relationships. Fisher calls this the “slow love” trend, where careful planning precedes commitment.

There’s also a shifting cultural landscape. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University, notes that Gen Z has grown up with heightened awareness around emotional health, consent, and individual identity. Young adults today are more inclined to invest energy in personal growth, mental health, and friendships before adding romance to the equation.

But what does this mean for the future?

While some view this as merely delayed milestones, others worry about long-term effects. Fewer relationships could result in lower marriage and birth rates, already concerns in countries facing population decline. Moreover, researchers like Eli Finkel from Northwestern University caution that prolonged loneliness and isolation might exacerbate mental health challenges already prevalent among Gen Z.

Yet, there’s hope. Experts stress adaptability and encourage intergenerational conversations.

Solomon suggests families and communities proactively teach relationship skills, emotional intelligence, and resilience. Offering safe spaces for honest dialogue about romance and relationships might empower young adults to navigate intimacy confidently and healthily.

As a parent and advocate for healthy relationships, I’m hopeful. Yes, romance might look different in the digital age, but our fundamental human need for connection and love remains unchanged. Perhaps Gen Z’s cautious, thoughtful approach will yield stronger, more intentional relationships—relationships built on solid emotional foundations. 

So, rather than despair, let’s commit to supporting the next generation in defining what healthy, committed romantic relationships look like and understanding why they matter. Maybe the future of “romance” can transition away from the fatigue of swiping left or right and move towards pausing, reflecting, and ultimately, choosing wisely.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

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Lifelong Friendships Improve Mental Health

Two years ago, the U.S. Surgeon General raised concern about the epidemic of loneliness in our country. Nearly half of all adults reported feeling lonely. Of course, there’s been speculation about why loneliness has become such a burden in our society. Some blame technology, while others point to the “false intimacy” social media creates. Some even point to culture as the culprit, claiming fierce individualism and push for “success at all costs” has eroded our desire to build friendships and community. Whatever the cause of loneliness, the antidote remains the same: deep connection through healthy relationships.

So, how do we turn the tide on loneliness?

It starts by understanding the need for relationships, specifically friendships. It turns out, lifelong friendships are not just nice to have; they’re vital for mental health. Studies show that close, enduring friendships are linked to lower rates of anxiety and depression, greater life satisfaction, and even better physical health. In fact, a 2020 study published in Psychological Science found that people who prioritized friendships in their youth reported better mental health in midlife. The effects of these relationships go far beyond feel-good memories; they help us identify healthy habits and relationship skills we carry into adulthood.

Friendships are, in many ways, our training ground for life.

Think about it: a strong friendship requires communication, empathy, and conflict resolution—the same skills we need in marriages, workplaces, and community relationships. Dr. Marisa Franco, psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, explains that friendships teach us how to build trust and create emotional safety. They’re the first relationships where we learn to navigate differences and boundaries outside our family unit.

But here’s the kicker: friendships also shape how we treat ourselves. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people with supportive friendships were more likely to engage in self-care and adopt healthier coping mechanisms. Simply put, good friends make us better people.

If friendships are so beneficial, why do some people seem to make friends effortlessly while others struggle?

The answer lies partly in personality and partly in life circumstances. Extroverts, for example, tend to find it easier to meet people because they thrive on social interaction. But even introverts can cultivate deep friendships by leaning into one-on-one connections rather than large group settings.

Life stage also matters. Kids and young adults often have built-in opportunities to meet peers—school, sports, and extracurriculars. As adults, those natural meeting places dwindle, making intentional effort more necessary. Other barriers like past trauma, social anxiety, or a demanding schedule can also make forming new friendships daunting.

Whether you’re looking to rekindle old friendships or forge new ones, here are some research-backed tips to get started:

Prioritize Quality Over Quantity:

Dr. Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist known for his research on social networks, suggests that humans can only maintain about five close friendships at a time. Focus on deepening connections rather than expanding your circle.

Be Vulnerable:

Sharing your struggles and joys helps build trust. Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, reminds us that “vulnerability is the birthplace of connection.”

Show Up Regularly:

Consistency is key. Whether it’s a weekly coffee date, monthly game night, or just texting to check in, regular interactions strengthen bonds.

Get Involved in Activities You Love:

Join a book club, volunteer group, or fitness class. Shared interests make for easy conversation starters.

Follow Up:

If you’ve met someone you click with, don’t be afraid to suggest a follow-up hangout. Building friendships takes initiative.

Embrace Differences:

Some of my richest friendships have been with people who don’t share my stage of life, beliefs, or background. Differences can be opportunities for growth, not barriers.

As I watch my kindergartener navigate the playground politics of who’s chasing who and why, I’m reminded of a simple truth: friendships take time. They require patience, a bit of courage, and a willingness to put yourself out there. But the payoff? It’s immeasurable.

Whether it’s the friend who calls you out lovingly when you’re veering off track or the one who shows up unannounced with coffee when life feels overwhelming, friendships remind us that we’re not alone. And isn’t that, at its core, what we all need?

So, here’s to lifelong friendships—the ones that see us through every stage of life and teach us what it means to truly belong. May 2025 be the year we give loneliness a run for its money.

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How Shame Harms Everything in Our Relationships 

Shame. It’s a small word, but it carries the weight of a wrecking ball. Unlike guilt, which says, I did something bad, shame whispers something far more sinister: I am bad. Left unchecked, shame can quietly sabotage our most precious relationships and leave us feeling trapped, isolated, and misunderstood, even around the holiday season.

As a mother of two and someone deeply immersed in the world of healthy relationships, I’ve seen how shame shows up in families, friendships, and romantic partnerships. It’s sneaky, often hiding in the shadows of perfectionism, defensiveness, or avoidance. But make no mistake: shame isn’t a passive passenger. It actively distorts how we view ourselves and how we connect with others.

Psychologist Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Shame differs from guilt in one key way: guilt focuses on behavior, while shame targets identity. It’s not “I made a mistake.” It’s “I am a mistake.”

It often starts early, rooted in our childhood experiences.

A critical parent, a humiliating moment at school, or even a well-intentioned but hurtful comment can plant the seeds. Over time, those seeds grow, shaping how we see ourselves and interact with others.

Unchecked shame doesn’t stay contained. It spills over, impacting how we love, argue, and show up in relationships. Studies show that it is closely linked to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression—all of which can erode connection and intimacy.

When we carry shame, we often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect ourselves.

For some, this looks like withdrawing emotionally, creating a wall to avoid vulnerability. For others, it manifests as perfectionism, trying to earn love and acceptance by being flawless.

One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who carry a high level of shame are more likely to engage in destructive relationship behaviors, such as criticism, blame, or avoidance. Why? Because shame convinces us that we’re unlovable, and we act out of fear of rejection.

The good news? Shame isn’t a life sentence.

With awareness and intentional effort, we can break free and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Name it to tame it.  

Brené Brown says shame thrives in secrecy. The first step to overcoming it is acknowledging it. Share your feelings with someone you trust—a friend, partner, therapist, or support group. Saying, “I feel ashamed about this,” robs shame of its power.

2. Challenge the narrative.

Ask yourself: Whose voice am I hearing when I feel this way? Often, shame stems from someone else’s expectations or criticisms, not our own truth. Replace those negative scripts with self-compassion.

3. Focus on connection.

Shame isolates, but vulnerability connects. Being open about your struggles can deepen relationships. For example, instead of lashing out when you feel insecure, try saying, “I’m feeling a little unsure right now. Can we talk about it?”

4. Seek professional help.

If shame feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can be transformative. Approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help people heal from deep-seated shame.

As a mom, I’ve thought a lot about the kind of emotional legacy I want to leave for my kids. I know they’ll make mistakes—just like I do. But I never want them to confuse their missteps with their worth. So, when my 5-year-old son spills his milk or struggles with a new task, I remind him: “It’s okay to make mistakes. You’re still learning, and I’m proud of you for trying.”

We all deserve that kind of grace, no matter our age.

Shame is a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to define us. By addressing it head-on, we can create relationships built on authenticity, empathy, and mutual respect. Imagine a world where we feel safe to say, “I messed up, but I’m still worthy of love.” That’s the kind of world I want for my kids—and for all of us.

So, let’s start today. Let’s name the shame, rewrite the story, and reclaim the connection we all deserve.

Your turn: What’s one small step you can take this week to silence shame’s voice? Whether it’s sharing your feelings with someone you trust or simply being kinder to yourself, remember: you’re worth it. Always.

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Friendships: Quality Over Quantity

I introduced my 4-year-old son to the Broadway musical “Wicked” last week. Shameless plug, it’s one of my all-time favorite soundtracks.

As the cheeky but pointed song “Popular” blared through the speakers, he asked, “Mom, what does that word mean – popular? Is it important to be popular?”

Good question, kid. Here’s what I found.

Research from the last two decades reveals that Americans prefer a few close, intimate relationships over many superficial ones.

Even in the era of social media influencers who gain popularity through hundreds of thousands of followers, we innately know these numbers do not provide the connection we seek.

A review, or meta-analysis, of 38 studies released by the research group Frontiers in Psychology found that having a few high-quality adult friendships can significantly predict well-being and protect against mental health issues such as anxiety and depression for a lifetime.

On the flip side, people with a large amount of low-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely

This is a risk factor greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day, according to the Public Library of Science Medical Journal.

So, how can you tell if a relationship (romantic or platonic) is of quality or not? Ask yourself these questions:

  • Can I be honest and vulnerable with this person, and are they always open and honest with me?
  • Do I value this person for who they are rather than just for what they do?
  • Can I rely on this person?
  • Do we communicate openly, regularly, and respectfully with one another?
  • Do they encourage me to grow as a person and make good decisions?

While low-quality friendships may decrease your potential long-term health benefits, daily interactions with familiar faces or acquaintances can bolster your confidence, provide stability, and increase “feel good” chemicals in your brain. 

Small connections with strangers—a barista, clerk, co-worker, or neighbor—can be surprisingly sustaining.

Dr. Gillian Sandstrom conducted research that found people who have more superficial interactions regularly are happier than those who have fewer. Also, people tend to be happier on days when they have more than their average number of simple interactions.

In short, research confirms popularity isn’t the goal. It’s more beneficial to build relational depth with a few close people.

But being friendly and interacting with strangers can boost your mood in the short term. As 20th-century artist Pablo Picasso once said, “When you are young and without success, you have a few good friends. Then, later on, when you are rich and famous, you still have a few… if you are lucky.”

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

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Effective Grandparents Practice Quality Over Quantity

My grandmother passed away last week. She was 85, and her health had been slowly declining for a few years. But it didn’t make the news any easier to hear when she passed.

When I was growing up, my grandmother and I spent a lot of time together.

Some of the time was regularly scheduled, as she cared for me a few days a week while my parents worked. But the majority of the time we spent together was prompted by me. I loved being with her. We played, shopped, watched movies, and talked about life for hours. She made me feel seen, heard, and cared for. Nurturing was her superpower.

I know I’m lucky to have lived within 15 minutes of my grandparents for most of my life, which provided ample opportunities to see and spend time with them.

But research shows quality time between grandparents and their grandchildren matters more than quantity.

A longitudinal study recently published in The Journal of Family Issues found that grandparent relationship quality, but not grandparent contact, was linked to multiple late adolescent outcomes, such as mental health and relationship skills. The study also found positive associations between a high-quality grandparent relationship and their grandchild(ren)’s self-worth and perceived competence in close friendships throughout their life.

In other words, grandparents can influence their grandchildren for a lifetime.

However, their influence is built through the depth of their presence rather than frequency. Similar to research on family dynamics within a household, the relationship between married grandparents also bears weight on grandchildren. A healthy, kind, and connected relationship between grandma/grandpa creates a stable environment for a child to establish a sense of belonging and confidence within their family.

What does quality time between grandparents and grandchildren look like? Here are four things to consider.

1: Stay connected with Mom and Dad first.

Parents are (and should be) the gatekeeper to their children. If grandparents do not have a solid relationship with their own son/daughter or son/daughter-in-law, it will be difficult to create a firm foundation with their grandchildren. Also, when grandparents are spending time with their grandchildren, they must follow the rules, boundaries, and cadence of Mom and Dad. This will build trust between the whole family.

2: Let the grandchildren have a voice.

It can be easy for grandparents to have expectations about what their grandchildren should do or how they should act, but it’s more important to connect with them than to control them. Grandparents should ask questions and invest in what their grandchildren are already interested in, rather than trying to sway them in a certain direction out of self-interest or a desire to pass down a specific hobby or pastime.

3: Make the family legacy known, but only when it matters.

Grandparents can certainly share stories and insights about great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but it’s important to do so in a way that expresses family values and connection, not drama, apathy, or disdain. Children are more confident and feel supported when they know they are part of something bigger than themselves, especially when that “something bigger” is positive and life-giving. If those examples don’t exist, grandparents can consider waiting until the child is developmentally prepared to discuss some of the lessons learned from past generations.

4: Do communicate between time spent together.

While quality matters more than quantity, sending a card, making a phone call, or scheduling a quick Facetime between visits will help everyone stay connected and cared for. Grandchildren need to know that their grandparents are still there for them even when they’re not physically present.

I spent the night with my grandmother well into my late twenties, before my son was born, and before she moved into an assisted living facility. She wasn’t perfect, and she knew that, but she was wholly present and interested in our lives. I’m grateful for her, as I know all grandchildren are for caring, loving grandparents.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

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3 Reasons You’re Not Crazy for Caring About Your Mental Health

One of my friends just ended a long-term relationship with a woman he really cared about because they weren’t on the same page about mental health. 

My friend carries wounds from an emotionally abusive parent and PTSD from years of active military service. The woman he was in a relationship with had two children. 

As they were taking steps toward marriage, he suggested they go to therapy together to work through some things and create as stable a foundation as possible for their family. “I’m sorry you think I’m crazy,” she responded. After a few more conversations, the couple decided to call it quits and go their separate ways.

Tomorrow is May 1, the first day of Mental Health Awareness Month. While the COVID-19 pandemic spurred 1 in 6 Americans to begin seeing a therapist for the first time, the stigma around mental health and therapy remains strong.  

A 2021 survey published by Forbes revealed 47% of Americans believe “seeking therapy is a sign of weakness.” 

As someone who has seen the effects of mental health on marriages, parent/child relationships, families, and communities at large, I couldn’t let Mental Health Awareness Month come and go without drawing attention to the significant impact it has on us all, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.

To my newly single friend who took a stand, here are three reasons why you’re not crazy for caring about your mental health:

1: Mental health impacts your quality of life.

When your mental health is strong, you can enjoy life, stay positive, and regulate emotions. You’re more productive, more motivated, and more capable of positively impacting the people around you. 

You have a heightened ability to cope with stressful situations, overcome challenges and reflect a positive attitude. When your mental health weakens, you can easily become stuck in cycles of negative thinking and self-doubt.

2: Mental health impacts physical health.

Studies also show that when you’re struggling with mental health, your immune system becomes compromised. (Which means you’re more vulnerable to getting sick.) On an even bigger scale, studies show that mental health issues are linked to a higher risk of strokes, heart attacks, and certain types of cancers.

3: Mental health impacts relationships for generations to come.

When parents or caregivers carry unaddressed (or even under-addressed) mental health issues, these same issues are more likely to be passed down to the child. 

While several studies have shown mental health issues, disorders, and illnesses to be genetic, environmental factors and parental/caregiver connection highly impact the probability of a child developing mental health issues at some point during their life. 

In 2021, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) reported 44% of teens ages 12 to 17 said they felt “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness.”

This was up from 26% in 2009. In the same research, the CDC found “youth who feel connected… at home were found to be as much as 66% less likely to experience health risk behaviors related to… mental health in adulthood.” 

It’s easy to assess the risk of not taking care of our physical health. What’s at stake if you don’t eat well or exercise regularly? You’ll gain weight, have high blood pressure, develop chronic illnesses, shortened lifespan, etc. 

If you’re a skeptic as to whether or not seeking help for your mental health is a sign of weakness, answer this question: What’s at stake if you don’t?

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Joice Kelly on Unsplash

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The Cure for Loneliness

I gave a presentation to a local community group last week. At the end, someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, “I keep hearing all this stuff about how lonely we are. Is it really true? And what do we do about it?”

A few days later, The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services released an advisory statement. The headline read: New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States.

Awareness of the rise in loneliness and isolation in our country is the first step to finding a solution. The next steps are to understand why it’s happening and what to do about it. Let’s break it down.

Why is loneliness increasing in our country? Here are a few potential causes:

1: Children have not received emotional connections from parents and caregivers.

A meta-analysis of decades of research on the average American’s “attachment style” reveals today’s adults are more likely to have an insecure attachment style than a secure one. This means we desire relationships, but we are also fearful of them. 

 (Konrath, S. H., Chopik, W. J., Hsing, C. K., & O’Brien, E. (2014))

2: Concerns about societal issues create distrust.

One psychologist who dove deep into Americans’ insecure-attachment trend found a list of fears that people may be wrestling with, such as: war in Europe, trends in technology, school shootings in the news, and the national debt. When society feels scary, that fear can seep into your closest relationships.

3: Technology produces fake intimacy.

It’s no secret–  technology hinders us from creating deep emotional connections. There’s a large body of research revealing the impact of technology on relationships. Staying up-to-date with someone on social media is not the same as having them over for dinner or being a regular part of their life. Technology helps us form digital communities that can hinder us from forming more tangible relationships.

Faith Hill, a reporter and contributor to The Atlantic draws this conclusion in her recent article America’s Intimacy Problem: “All in all, we can’t determine why people are putting up walls, growing further and further away from one another… The good news is that if humans have the capacity to lose trust in one another, they can also work to build it back up.”

What do we do to build connection and trust back up?

Here are a few potential solutions suggested by the Surgeon General and mental health experts alike:

1: Create and use more community spaces.

Playgrounds, libraries, and community centers provide opportunities for human interaction and connection for children and adults. Creating these spaces is half the battle. To experience connection and reverse isolation, we must be willing to use them in our everyday lives.

2: Use connection as a healing remedy.

Because loneliness and isolation are risk factors for several major health conditions, healthcare professionals are well-positioned to assess their patients’ loneliness and isolation and suggest connection and relationship-building remedies.

3: Enable public policies that ensure connection.

At every level, the government can play a role in creating more avenues for connection. Increasing free and easy access to public transportation and providing family leave are a few ways to discourage loneliness and isolation from a systemic level. 

4: Consistently gauge your use of technology.

Only you can prevent fake intimacy from forming in your relationships. How often are you “liking” a picture rather than inviting a friend to coffee? Or scrolling on your phone rather than having a conversation with your spouse?

At its core, the loneliness epidemic has one cure: deep, meaningful relationships. While this ideal has many obstacles, prioritizing relationships is the first step forward. 

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First and can be contacted at [email protected].

Photo by Alex Ivashenko on Unsplash

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