Guide for Guys: Supporting A Friend Facing Infertility
You’re hanging out with one of your friends, and he confides, We’ve been trying to get pregnant for over a year, and it just isn’t happening. It’s been hard on our marriage. What can you say to help, encourage, and support your friend who is facing infertility? What shouldn’t you say even though you may mean well?
How can you support your friend during this challenging time of crisis and grief?
As men, we often have some generally unhelpful tendencies in these situations. Let’s acknowledge them so we can try to avoid them:
✹ When presented with a problem, we want to fix it. Often, the better move is to try to feel it.
✹ We project the help, support, and needs we would have onto the person we’re trying to help.
We forget that everyone is different, and everyone is not us.
✹ We’re frequently uncomfortable with emotions or feelings – our own or someone else’s. This can cause us to withdraw or avoid people and not engage in hard conversations.
1. We Need To Do Better For Each Other. Empathy Is A Must.
Here are things we know about infertility:
- It’s a sensitive topic.
- It can cause stress in a marriage or relationship.
- It can cause different struggles for men than it does for women.
- Resources and support for men are often lacking.
Understand & Practice True Empathy
Brené Brown is a researcher who has studied empathy. She makes some helpful observations about it:
- Empathy is a skill. We might have to work on improving it. Keep trying.
- There’s a difference between empathy (I feel with you) and sympathy (I feel for you).
- Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person feels. It doesn’t require that we have experienced their exact situation.
- Empathy allows people to feel, be fully heard, and be accepted when they are struggling. It encourages compassion, authenticity and intimacy to flourish in our relationships. Empathy: It sounds like you’re in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.
Each person’s needs may be different. Healthy empathy will ask: How can I support you? What do you need? This is where discernment comes into play. Be aware: These common missteps can cause more harm than good:
- We’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so we say or do nothing.
- We try to encourage people by downplaying their feelings and struggles. This is just a speedbump. You got this! You’re so strong. You’re smart. You’ll figure this out!
- Often, we attempt to make people feel better by telling a story from our lives (or someone else’s) that we believe is worse. At least you… I know this guy who…
- We jump to fixing the problem instead of feeling it. Listen, medicine is great today. You’ve got all kinds of options. IVF has a high success rate.
- We ask questions that our friend may not be comfortable with. So, is it you or her? Do you really want kids? You think you’ll stay together?
It’s completely ok to say something like: I haven’t been through this, and I don’t know much about it, but whatever you need, I’m here for you. (Even if you’ve been through this or something similar or know someone who has, resist the temptation to assume things or compare situations. Understand that your friend has their own unique experience and needs support.)
★ This brief video provides a great explanation of empathy.
2. Know The Basics Of Infertility, But Don’t Feel Like You Need To Be An Expert.
Remember: Your friend doesn’t need you to be a fertility specialist. They need you to be a good friend. Knowing these basic things can help you be that caring friend.
- The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has found that at least 1 in 7 couples has fertility issues. The inability to have a child affects 6.7 million women in the U.S. That’s about 11% of the reproductive-age population.
- Infertility is NOT an inconvenience; it’s a condition* of the reproductive system that impairs the body’s ability to reproduce.
- Infertility affects men and women equally.
- In about 40% of infertile couples, the male partner is either the sole cause of or a contributing factor to infertility.
- 85% to 90% of infertility cases are treated with medication or surgery.
3. Practical Ways To Support Your Friend
Be generous with your time, energy, and emotional support. Be discerning and respectful, too. Your friend may only let you so far into this part of their life and marriage.
Your friend may need different things at different times. Sometimes they may just want you to listen. At times, they may want to do something fun and be distracted for a bit. Don’t be afraid to ask them what they need and follow their lead.
If your friend allows you to speak into this situation, here are some practical tips:
- Understand that infertility affects three primary things – your friend, their spouse, and their relationship as a couple. Take all three of these things into account.
- Understand that for most men, fertility issues impact how they view themselves. Your friend may feel less masculine/virile. Encourage him to follow his health professional’s advice instead of hollow or thinly veiled attempts to help him feel “manly,” which may come off as condescending and emasculating. Also, anonymous online support groups help many men with their sense of self.
- Understand that men, when faced with situations that cause stress, difficulty, or a sense of crisis or grief in their marriage, often try to stay “strong” for their spouse. This phenomenon is often called Partner-Oriented Self-Regulation (POSR).
They may bottle up their emotions, avoid bringing up the situation, and act like everything is normal. A person who “regulates” themselves in this manner mistakenly believes they’re helping their spouse. In reality, they may be sending a message to their spouse that they are unmoved and calloused. This can make a difficult situation worse. Encourage your friend to be honest, vulnerable, and real with his spouse as he seeks to support them. Assure your friend that this requires real strength.
When a couple is dealing with fertility difficulties, facing the issues as a team, maintaining quality communication, following health professionals’ and counselors’ advice, and having a sensitive support system are crucial. You can be confident that anything you do to encourage these things is being a good friend.
*There is division among medical professionals/global health experts over classifying infertility as a disease or a condition.
Sources:
Mapping men’s anticipations and experiences in the reproductive realm: (in)fertility journeys.
The male experience of infertility: a thematic analysis of an online infertility support group.
Emoting infertility online: A qualitative analysis of men’s forum posts.
Research-Based Tips for Supporting People With Infertility | Psychology Today
Resources:
Grieving Infertility and Miscarriages – First Things First
How to Give Support to Hopeful Fathers Facing Male Infertility
‘It tears every part of your life away’: The truth about male infertility | Men’s Health
How Infertility Affects Men Emotionally. Maternal Mental Health Institute
25 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Living with Infertility
What to Do When Friends Are Hurting Your Marriage
So, your wife has that one friend you think she always wants to talk about your problems with? Or your husband has a buddy that you think he wants to spend more time with than you? Have you ever felt that friends get in the way of your marriage? Friendships are essential, but they can interfere with your marriage if you’re not careful. By the way, your marriage is a friendship that should always come first.
But what do you do if friends are hurting your marriage? Do you demand that your spouse ditch the friends? Do you isolate your marriage from your friends? Let’s not get too drastic yet.
In the Early Years of Marriage Project, researchers found an interesting relationship between friendships and the success of a marriage. Friends have a powerful influence on romantic relationships, both directly – by providing or withholding approval or support, and indirectly – by acting as a sounding board for marital problems. The approval of friends and family members is a strong predictor of a relationship’s quality and stability.
So, what can you do when you don’t like your spouse’s friend? Here’s some advice from experts.
Acknowledge that friends are influential on your relationship, in both positive and negative ways.
Identify the real issues and talk about them. If you don’t like your spouse’s friends, ask why? Do you miss your spouse? Do you feel betrayed because they are confiding in someone else? Are you jealous? Your issue with your spouse’s friends may be the result of a more significant, underlying issue.
Do an intimacy inventory on your marriage. Maybe your spouse isn’t feeling emotionally connected in your relationship, so they seek it through a friendship.
Reframe your feelings. Don’t get stuck on the negative. Focus on the positive. What does the friendship add to your spouse and your marriage that’s positive?
Don’t issue ultimatums. If you don’t like your spouse’s friends, you don’t have to spend time with them. If you are confident that a friend is hurting your marriage, you should have a thoughtful discussion with your spouse. Issuing ultimatums without discussion puts your spouse in a challenging position. Open up to them about the issues you see.
A little caveat here regarding opposite-sex friendships: You and your spouse should definitely discuss boundaries when it comes to these. This can take the above advice to a deeper level. Opposite-sex friendships can cause the most damage to a marriage. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have them; I’m advising you to exercise extreme caution – and that’s a conversation with your spouse.
But, what if your friends are the issue? Here are some thoughts from the experts.
Come clean with your friend. If you’ve been complaining about your spouse to your friend, you need to let them know they are only getting one side of the story. Commit to refocusing the conversation with your spouse. Own that you’ve been confiding in a friend when you should be coming to your spouse with issues you see.
Ask yourself, “Is my spouse right about this friend?” If your spouse wants what is best for you and is looking out for your best interests, take the time to consider their concerns. Maybe your friend is divisive or a bad influence. Maybe your friend doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Reassure your spouse that they are your first priority. Your relationship is your most significant friendship. Make sure your spouse knows you feel that way.
Friends should have a positive impact on you and your relationship.
It’s essential to nurture your marriage and ditch friends that hurt your marriage, but if you need to remove friends to have a healthier relationship, it’s best to make that decision together.
Other resources:
How To Talk To Your Spouse About Opposite Sex Friends E-book
I Don’t Like That My Spouse Has Opposite-Sex Friends
Sources:
Are Your Spouse’s Friends Interfering in Your Marriage?
When You Don’t Like Your Friend’s Friend
What do you do when you don’t like your friend’s friend? This is a tricky but common situation.
And for the record, we aren’t talking about someone in your friend’s life who just rubs you the wrong way. This goes considerably deeper than personality. Still, let’s leave no room for misunderstanding.
First, let’s ask some clarifying questions.
- Could it be you? Are you the jealous type? Prone to overreacting? (Sorry. Had to ask.)
- Could this person be awful at first impressions? How much have you been around them? (Without being all gossipy, is anyone else in your friend circle picking up on this?)
- Is this person truly toxic? A bad influence on your friend? Are you legitimately worried about your friend?
Okay, so number three is on the table. You’re worried about your friend. They seem to have a blind spot about this person, and this “friend” negatively influences them. This obviously isn’t cool.
Second, let’s wrap our heads around what’s going on.
- This person may be in a bad season of life, and their negativity is affecting your friend.
- This person may be making lifestyle choices that you know go against your friend’s values, and you see your friend heading that way.
- He or she may be in a bad relationship, divorcing, or divorced, and they are poisoning your friend’s relationship or view of marriage.
- This person might be vocal about their views on sex, faithfulness, integrity, and they’re encouraging your friend to move outside their boundaries and character.
- Your friend may be in a vulnerable position and highly susceptible to influence.
- You may have already seen changes in your friend that concern you.
If you see any of these things, or something similar, a conversation with your friend is in order.
Research shows that we are wired to catch and spread emotions and behaviors just like we catch and spread a cold or virus.
Psychologists use the term “social contagion” to describe how individuals or groups influence us. Simple examples include yawns and smiles, but they can also include infidelity and divorce. As much as we want to think we’re our own person, we are all susceptible to the influence of others — both positive and negative. It’s not uncommon to see it happening to our friends while they’re oblivious to it. We have blind spots.
What do you do when your friend has a toxic friend who is a bad influence on them?
Friends help friends see their blindspots. Sometimes our friend’s immediate response is gratitude. Sometimes it can be anger or resentment. Often, it depends on the rapport you have with your friend and the trust you’ve developed in that relationship.
Bottom line: You have to use your judgment. Do you have “relationship capital” built up with your friend to call them out on how they’re changing or being influenced? Has the “threat” risen to the level that you are willing to risk your friendship?
You’re a quality friend for caring. You gotta do something about this because that’s what quality friends do. But you’re also aware that this sort of thing can go sideways and, worst-case scenario, you could lose a friend over it.
Know this. Believe this. You’re responsible for bringing your concerns to your friend.
Be tactful, respectful, and direct. Your friend is responsible for how they respond. Truth. You have to know that you’re doing what good friends do. Your friend is responsible for their reaction, which is entirely out of your control. Are you prepared to lose a friend because of your sense of duty, responsibility, loyalty, and being a quality friend?
Sadly, this is what it often comes down to in the short term. Sometimes your friend will be grateful after they’ve processed what you’ve said, heard similar things from other friends, or experienced some negativity. But it’s hard on you to lose some standing with a friend or have to watch them learn something the hard way.
Keep your concern about your friend front and center rather than negativity about your friend’s friend who has you concerned. You won’t regret speaking the truth from a caring heart.
Other helpful blogs:
Valuable Relationships Make You a Better Person
My Friends Are Getting Divorced and It’s Affecting My Marriage
