Shame. It’s a small word, but it carries the weight of a wrecking ball. Unlike guilt, which says, I did something bad, shame whispers something far more sinister: I am bad. Left unchecked, shame can quietly sabotage our most precious relationships and leave us feeling trapped, isolated, and misunderstood, even around the holiday season.
As a mother of two and someone deeply immersed in the world of healthy relationships, I’ve seen how shame shows up in families, friendships, and romantic partnerships. It’s sneaky, often hiding in the shadows of perfectionism, defensiveness, or avoidance. But make no mistake: shame isn’t a passive passenger. It actively distorts how we view ourselves and how we connect with others.
Psychologist Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Shame differs from guilt in one key way: guilt focuses on behavior, while shame targets identity. It’s not “I made a mistake.” It’s “I am a mistake.”
It often starts early, rooted in our childhood experiences.
A critical parent, a humiliating moment at school, or even a well-intentioned but hurtful comment can plant the seeds. Over time, those seeds grow, shaping how we see ourselves and interact with others.
Unchecked shame doesn’t stay contained. It spills over, impacting how we love, argue, and show up in relationships. Studies show that it is closely linked to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression—all of which can erode connection and intimacy.
When we carry shame, we often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect ourselves.
For some, this looks like withdrawing emotionally, creating a wall to avoid vulnerability. For others, it manifests as perfectionism, trying to earn love and acceptance by being flawless.
One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who carry a high level of shame are more likely to engage in destructive relationship behaviors, such as criticism, blame, or avoidance. Why? Because shame convinces us that we’re unlovable, and we act out of fear of rejection.
The good news? Shame isn’t a life sentence.
With awareness and intentional effort, we can break free and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
1. Name it to tame it.
Brené Brown says shame thrives in secrecy. The first step to overcoming it is acknowledging it. Share your feelings with someone you trust—a friend, partner, therapist, or support group. Saying, “I feel ashamed about this,” robs shame of its power.
2. Challenge the narrative.
Ask yourself: Whose voice am I hearing when I feel this way? Often, shame stems from someone else’s expectations or criticisms, not our own truth. Replace those negative scripts with self-compassion.
3. Focus on connection.
Shame isolates, but vulnerability connects. Being open about your struggles can deepen relationships. For example, instead of lashing out when you feel insecure, try saying, “I’m feeling a little unsure right now. Can we talk about it?”
4. Seek professional help.
If shame feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can be transformative. Approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help people heal from deep-seated shame.
As a mom, I’ve thought a lot about the kind of emotional legacy I want to leave for my kids. I know they’ll make mistakes—just like I do. But I never want them to confuse their missteps with their worth. So, when my 5-year-old son spills his milk or struggles with a new task, I remind him: “It’s okay to make mistakes. You’re still learning, and I’m proud of you for trying.”
We all deserve that kind of grace, no matter our age.
Shame is a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to define us. By addressing it head-on, we can create relationships built on authenticity, empathy, and mutual respect. Imagine a world where we feel safe to say, “I messed up, but I’m still worthy of love.” That’s the kind of world I want for my kids—and for all of us.
So, let’s start today. Let’s name the shame, rewrite the story, and reclaim the connection we all deserve.
Your turn: What’s one small step you can take this week to silence shame’s voice? Whether it’s sharing your feelings with someone you trust or simply being kinder to yourself, remember: you’re worth it. Always.
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